Character First

Alertness
Being aware of what is taking place around me so
I can have the right responses
Attentiveness
Showing the worth of a person or task by giving
my undivided concentration
Availability
Making my schedule and priorities secondary to
the wishes of those I serve
Benevolence
Giving to others’ basic needs without having as
my motive personal reward
Boldness
Confidence to say or do what is true, right,
and just
Cautiousness
Knowing the importance of right timing in
accomplishing right actions
Compassion
Investing whatever is necessary to heal the hurts
of others
Contentment
Realizing that true happiness does not depend on
material conditions
Creativity
Approaching a need, a task, or an idea from a
new perspective
Decisiveness
The ability to recognize key factors and finalize
difficult decisions
Deference
Limiting my freedom so I do not offend the tastes
of those around me
Dependability
Fulfilling what I consented to do, even if it means
unexpected sacrifice
Determination
Purposing to accomplish right goals at the right
time, regardless of the opposition
Diligence
Investing all my energy to complete the tasks
assigned to me
Discernment
Understanding the deeper reasons why things
happen
Discretion
Recognizing and avoiding words, actions, and
attitudes that could bring undesirable
consequences
Endurance
The inward strength to withstand stress and do
my best
Enthusiasm
Expressing joy in each task as I give it my
best effort
Faith
Confidence that actions rooted in good character
will yield the best outcome, even when I cannot
see how
Flexibility
Willingness to change plans or ideas without
getting upset
Forgiveness
Clearing the record of those who have wronged
me and not holding a grudge
Generosity
Carefully managing my resources so I can freely
give to those in need
Gentleness
Showing consideration and personal concern for
others
Gratefulness
Letting others know by my words and actions
how they have benefited my life
Honor
Respecting others because of their worth as
human beings
Hospitality
Cheerfully sharing food, shelter, and friendship
with others
Humility
Acknowledging that achievement results from the
investment of others in my life
Initiative
Recognizing and doing what needs to be done
before I am asked to do it
Joyfulness
Maintaining a good attitude, even when faced
with unpleasant conditions
Justice
Taking personal responsibility to uphold what is
pure, right, and true
Loyalty
Using difficult times to demonstrate my
commitment to those I serve
Meekness
Yielding my personal rights and expectations
with a desire to serve
Obedience
Quickly and cheerfully carrying out the direction
of those who are responsible for me
Orderliness
Arranging myself and my surroundings to
achieve greater efficiency
Patience
Accepting a difficult situation without giving a
deadline to remove it
Persuasiveness
Guiding vital truths around another’s mental
roadblocks
Punctuality
Showing esteem for others by doing the right
thing at the right time
Resourcefulness
Making wise use of what others might overlook
or discard
Responsibility
Knowing and doing what is expected of me
Security
Structuring my life around that which cannot be
destroyed or taken away
Self-Control
Rejecting wrong desires and doing what is right
Sensitivity
Using my senses to perceive the true attitudes
and emotions of others
Sincerity
Eagerly doing what is right with transparent
motives
Thoroughness
Knowing what factors will diminish the
effectiveness of my work or words, if neglected
Thriftiness
Allowing myself and others to spend only what is
necessary
Tolerance
Accepting others at different levels of maturity
Truthfulness
Earning future trust by accurately reporting past facts
Virtue
The moral excellence evident in my life as I
consistently do what is right
Wisdom
Making practical application of truth in daily
decisions
© Copyright Character First. Permission granted to reproduce for non-commercial use. Updated Jan 2011 • 877.357.0001 • http://www.characterfirst.com
char•act•er: the inward values that determine outward actions
®

MORE THAN CONQUERORS

More Than Conquerors – Part 1
Sermon Delivered on January 22nd, 2017
By: Pastor Greg Hocson
Text: Romans 8:28-39
Introduction
Romans 8:37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
Brothers and sisters, we are not just conquerors, we are more than conquerors. It is true that we
have enemies and they lay charge against us. They accuse us and seek to condemn us. The goal
of those who are against us is to separate us from the love of God. But our enemies will fail
because these things have already been settled in Heaven.
Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God’s elect? Who is he that condemneth? Who shall
separate us from the love of Christ?
The answer to these three big questions is no one and nothing! Oh, Christians, this is what it
means to live victoriously in Christ Jesus. And we should know and stand firm in this
realization! And if we know who we are; if we know whose we are; know what we have in
Christ; and if we know who won the battle; then it makes sense to take courage and expect
victory in our lives!
Today, consider with me the “When, How and Why” of our conquest.
I – When are We More than Conquerors?
There are two ways we could ask the question “when”?
1. At what time or day or month or year or period?
Romans 8:37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
When Paul said Christians are “more than conquerors” he meant that this truth is now and not in
the future. The tense of the verb is present tense not future. It does not say, you will be more
than conquerors, it says, you are more than conquerors. Now, right now. It is a present reality. As
I have said last Sunday, we may not always see it, we may not always feel it, we may not always
live like it but it is true nonetheless.
Oh, to be fully awake and alive to this truth. With Christ on our side, even before the contest
against Satan begins, “We are more than conquerors!” We are not waiting for the final buzzer to
sound or the last out to be made. Christ has already conquered the enemy of our soul. Amen!
Many times I hear preachers say, “Stay faithful to God because we read at the end of the Book;
We win!” But actually we don’t have to read the Book of Revelation to know that we win. The
Bible reveals who wins this Spiritual Battle far before the end of the Book!
Genesis 3:14 And the LORD God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art
cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust
shalt thou eat all the days of thy life: 15: And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and
between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel.
Genesis 3:15 is called the “Protoevangelium”. The word is derived from the Greek prefix proto
meaning “first” and evangelion meaning “gospel” or “good news.” Protoevangelium is the term
for the first declaration of the Gospel. It is a prophecy that Christ will overcome the devil and
redeem mankind. On the cross, our Lord Jesus Christ “bruised”, that is, crushed the devil’s head,
defeating him forever.
Hebrews 2:14 Forasmuch then as the children are partakers of flesh and blood, he also himself
likewise took part of the same; that through death he might destroy him that had the power of
death, that is, the devil; 15: And deliver them who through fear of death were all their lifetime
subject to bondage.
‘We win!’ We are more than conquerors. And that theme is constantly proclaimed throughout the
Bible. God has repeatedly declared victory over the life of every Believer:
Moses said in …
Deuteronomy 20:44 For the LORD your God is he that goeth with you, to fight for you against
your enemies, to save you.
For the Lord your God is He who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies, to give
you victory.
Notice what Jesus said in …
John 16:33 These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye
shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.
The Apostle John in …
1 John 5:4 For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that
overcometh the world, even our faith.
What wonderful truth from the Scripture! Christ defeated the enemy of our soul on the Cross and
gave us the victory even before our battle began.
Then another way to ask the question when is …
2. Under what circumstance or what occasion?
When are we more than conquerors? Under what circumstance or under what occasion?
Romans 8:37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
In all these things. Which things? The “all these things” Paul is referring to, can be found
in verses 33-35.
Romans 8:33 Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God’s elect? It is God that
justifieth. 34: Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again,
who is even at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us. 35: Who shall
separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or
nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36: As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we
are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. 37: Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors
through him that loved us. 38: For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor
principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, 39: Nor height, nor depth, nor
any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our
Lord.
Paul did not say that we are more than conquerors when we are out of all these things. No, but he
did say, that, we are more than conquerors while in the midst of these things. In the midst of all
the accusation and condemnation from the enemies against us, we are more than conquerors. In
the midst of the oppression and persecution from the enemies against us, we are still more than
conquerors. In the midst of tribulation, distress, persecution, famine, nakedness, peril and
sword, we are more than conquerors.
We are more than conquerors does not mean we are exempted from difficulties in life. God
does not promise to remove trouble, but that through trouble we will be overcomers. Many of us
have the idea that victory occurs when we are living lives that are free from troubles, afflictions
and heartaches. Paul says that reality is something far different. We are more than conquerors in
spite of everything the enemies can throw at us.
This is what makes us more than conquerors. We are more than conquerors in spite of those who
charge us and challenge our relationship with the Lord. God has “justified” us and nothing will
ever change His mind. We are more than conquerors in spite of those who condemn us and those
who would declare that we are unworthy before the Lord. Jesus Christ died for us on the cross
and shed His blood to save us and no one can undo what He did for us on the cross! We are more
than conquerors in spite of those who confound us and things which seek to separate us the love
of Christ.
We are “more than conquerors” not by avoiding these things, but by triumphing over them
through Jesus Christ. Our pain in our suffering is very real, but so is God’s purpose.
So far from these afflictions separating us from the love of Christ, they are more than conquered.
That is, they are not only deprived of all power to do us harm, they minister to our good, they
swell the glory of our victory. – Hodge
Paul is not out of touch, for he himself suffered much. He suffered tribulation, distress,
persecution, hunger, nakedness, danger of the sword, – yet in all these things, or in the middle of
all these things he is confident that we are more than conquerors.
This is not to say that the fiery darts don’t hurt, they do hurt, the conflict is real, it is not a picnic,
but even hurt is blessed by God some way to increase our blessedness. God overrules all of these
for his good, bringing him forth from the furnace as gold refined, and also in their final issue; for
“our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal
weight of glory.”
“In the world, persecutors and oppressors are judged as the conquerors; but here, those are
pronounced to be such, who are oppressed and persecuted. They are the servants of Him whom
the world put to death, but who said to His disciples, ‘Be of good cheer, I have overcome the
world.’” (Haldane, R. An Exposition on the Epistle to the Roman)
“More than conqueror” is one who, by the grace and the gift of God, and in the strength of God
within him, actually takes the very things that are designed to destroy him, and they become
stepping stones instead of stumbling blocks. That is being “more than conquerors.”
II – How are We More than Conquerors?
Romans 8:37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
Paul tells us that the only reason that we are victorious in this life is “through Him that loved
us”. Our victory does not lie within ourselves; our victory rests in Him alone! Only because of
Him. It is through Jesus Christ. If you try to conquer this world or the trouble and suffering that
comes your way, you will be defeated. If you try to do it yourself, you will be defeated. It is only
through Christ that we overcome the world. Why? Jesus Christ is the only One Who has
overcome the world.
The key words are “through him who loved us”. God lets us know that it is not our strength that
gets us through the storms. It is not your wisdom or mine, that sees us through the dangerous
deception of false doctrine. It is not our abilities that save us from our hardships but the ability,
the strength, and the wisdom of Christ who loved us. It is all by the grace and power of the
Redeemer.
III – Why are We More than Conquerors?
Romans 8:37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
Why do we have such privilege and assurance and confidence? It is because He loved us. Note
the tense points to the past, which directs our attention to His love expressed on the Cross, the
great demonstration of His love.
”Him that loved us” is referring to His sacrifice. We are guaranteed to be more than conqueror
and it was because of His love that was clearly demonstrated on the cross.
Romans 8:34 Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again,
who is even at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us.
Paul associates Christ’s love for us with His death on the Cross as we read in …
Ephesians 5:2 And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an
offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour.
And in Galatians Paul associates Christ’s love with Calvary’s love declaring…
Galatians 2:20 I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me:
and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me,
and gave himself for me.
In the Revelation John writes …
Revelation 1:5 And from Jesus Christ, who is the faithful witness, and the first begotten of the
dead, and the prince of the kings of the earth. Unto him that loved us, and washed us from our
sins in his own blood,
Here is the great secret of our victory, the source of our triumph. This is the only explanation
how a weak, timid believer, who often hurt by the fiery darts of the enemies, and still “more than
a conqueror” over his many and mighty foes. To Christ who loved him, who gave Himself for
him, who died in his stead, and lives to intercede on his behalf, the glory of the triumph is
ascribed.
And this is the song we sing …
1 Corinthians 15:57 But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus
Christ. 58: Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the
work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.
Conclusion
The most profound reality is this universe is that God loved us in Christ. He loved you and me.
Why? How could He loved us? All we deserve is His wrath and condemnation. The only answer
we could get from the Scripture is – He loves us because God is love. What powerful effect and
transformation this love should have in on our lives!
Let me encourage you to seriously and constantly meditate on the glory of the love of Christ for
you. This cannot be done if the mind is always full of earthly thoughts. Do not be satisfied with
vague and general thoughts of the love of Christ but think of it in its magnificent glory.
Ephesians 1:17 That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded
in love, 18: May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth,
and height; 19: And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled
with all the fulness of God.
But let me remind you that the truth of God’s love is not the absence of struggle, conflict and
trouble but rather triumphing in and over all these.
Dear ones, that’s how the Holy Spirit describes the true people of God in all their conflict. In all
these things we are more than conquerors. Let this truth sink in, take that home and meditate
upon it.
So, my fellow “super conquerors”, what should we do with this information? I think we should
seek the Lord’s face and ask Him for the faith to live like a “super conqueror” even when we
don’t like that’s what we are. I think we should seek His help to live in victory, even when we
feel defeated. I think we should just take God at His Word and leave the details with Him!
I pray that God would drive this truth home to us that we might leave here undefeated because
Satan has been defeated. May we leave here victorious because through Jesus Christ who loved
us, we are more than conquerors.
Is your hope in Jesus Christ? If your hope and trust is not in Christ, you are not more than
conqueror.
2 Timothy 2:25 In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will
give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth; 26: And that they may recover
themselves out of the snare of the devil, who are taken captive by him at his will.
If your hope and trust is not in Christ you are conquered, you are a captive of the enemy the
devil. You are under the power of Satan. Cry out to God. Flee to Him who came to destroy the
works of the devil.
1 John 3:8 He that committeth sin is of the devil; for the devil sinneth from the beginning. For
this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that he might destroy the works of the devil.
AMEN!

100 WAYS TO MOTIVATE YOURSELF

title: 100 Ways to Motivate Yourself :
Change Your Life Forever
author: Chandler, Steve.
publisher: The Career Press
isbn10 | asin: 1564145190
print isbn13: 9781564145192
ebook isbn13: 9780585415680
language: English
subject Motivation (Psychology) ,
Self-actualization (Psychology)
publication date: 2001
lcc: BF503.C48 2001eb
ddc: 158.1
subject: Motivation (Psychology) ,
Self-actualization (Psychology)
cover
Page 1
100 Ways to Motivate Yourself
Revised Edition
Change Your Life Forever
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100 Ways to Motivate Yourself
Revised Edition
Change Your Life Forever
Steve Chandler
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Copyright © 2001 by Steve Chandler
All rights reserved under the Pan-American and International Copyright
Conventions. This book may not be reproduced, in whole or in part, in
any form or by any means electronic or mechanical, including
photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval
system now known or hereafter invented, without written permission
from the publisher, The Career Press.
100 WAYS TO MOTIVATE YOURSELF
Cover design by Cheryl Finbow
Edited by Robert M. Brink and Jodi Brandon
Typeset by Ellen S. Weitzenhofer
Printed in the U.S.A. by Book-mart Press
To order this title, please call toll-free 1-800-CAREER-1 (NJ and
Canada: 201-848-0310) to order using VISA or Master Card, or for
further information on books from Career Press.
The Career Press, Inc., 3 Tice Road, PO Box 687,
Franklin Lakes, NJ 07417
http://www.careerpress.com
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Chandler, Steve, 1944-
100 ways to motivate yourself : change your life forever / by
Steve Chandler.—Rev. ed.
p. cm.
Includes index.
ISBN 1-56414-519-0 (pbk.)
1. Motivation (Psychology) 2. Self-actualization (Psychology) I.
Title One hundred ways to motivate yourself. II. Title.
BF503 .C48 2001
158.1—dc21
00-065106
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To Kathryn Anne Chandler
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Acknowledgments
To Robert Brink and Jodi Brandon for the masterful editing, to Lindsay
Brady for the ongoing perception of success, to Stephanie Chandler for
tirelessly working the cosmos, to Kathy for more than I can say, to Jim
Brannigan for the representation, to Fred Knipe for the music on New
Year’s Eve, to Ron Fry for Career Press, to Karen Wolf for the
international distribution, to Nathaniel Branden for the psychology, to
Colin Wilson for the philosophy, to Arnold Schwarzenegger for a day to
remember, to Rett Nichols for the tension plan, to Graham Walsh for
the Tavern on the Green, to Terry Hill for the century’s first real
mystery novel, to Cindy Chandler for the salvation, to Ed and Jeanne
for the Wrigley Mansion, to John Shade for the fire, to Scott Richardson
for the ideas, to Ann Coulter for the wake up calls, to Steven Forbes
Hardison for coaching and friendship beyond the earthly norm, and to
Dr. Deepak Chopra for unconcealing the creative intelligence that holds
us all together.
And to the memory of Art Hill:
without whom,
no life, no nothin’.
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Contents
Preface: Cyber Motivation 11
Introduction: You have no personality 15
100 Ways
1. Get on your deathbed 19
2. Stay hungry 21
3. Tell yourself a true lie 23
4. Keep your eyes on the prize 24
5. Learn to sweat in peace 25
6. Simplify your life 27
7. Look for the lost gold 31
8. Push all your own buttons 33
9. Build a track record 34
10. Welcome the unexpected 35
11. Find your master key 36
12. Put your library on wheels 38
13. Definitely plan your work 41
14. Bounce your thoughts 42
15. Light your lazy dynamite 44
16. Choose the happy few 45
17. Learn to play a role 47
18. Don’t just do something…sit there 48
19. Use your brain chemicals 50
20. Leave high school forever 52
21. Learn to lose your cool 54
22. Kill your television 56
23. Break out of your soul cage 57
24. Run your own plays 58
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25. Find your inner Einstein 60
26. Run toward your fear 62
27. Create the way you relate 64
28. Try interactive listening 66
29. Embrace your will power 67
30. Perform your little rituals 68
31. Find a place to come from 70
32. Be your own disciple 71
33. Turn into a word processor 73
34. Program your biocomputer 73
35. Open your present 75
36. Be a good detective 76
37. Make a relation-shift 78
38. Learn to come from behind 79
39. Come to your own rescue 82
40. Find your soul purpose 85
41. Get up on the right side 90
42. Let your whole brain play 91
43. Get your stars out 93
44. Just make everything up 93
45. Put on your game face 96
46. Discover active relaxation 98
47. Make today a masterpiece 99
48. Enjoy all your problems 101
49. Remind your mind 103
50. Get down and get small 106
51. Advertise to yourself 108
52. Think outside the box 111
53. Keep thinking, keep thinking 113
54. Put on a good debate 117
55. Make trouble work for you 119
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56. Storm your own brain 122
57. Keep changing your voice 124
58. Embrace the new frontier 126
59. Upgrade your old habits 128
60. Paint your masterpiece today 130
61. Swim laps underwater 132
62. Bring on a good coach 133
63. Try to sell your home 138
64. Get your soul to talk 140
65. Promise the moon 141
66. Make somebody’s day 142
67. Play the circle game 143
68. Get up a game 147
69. Turn your mother down 150
70. Face the sun 150
71. Travel deep inside 152
72. Go to war 153
73. Use the 5% solution 155
74. Do something badly 157
75. Learn visioneering 159
76. Lighten things up 162
77. Serve and grow rich 164
78. Make a list of your life 165
79. Set a specific power goal 168
80. Change yourself first 169
81. Pin your life down 170
82. Take no for a question 172
83. Take the road to somewhere 174
84. Go on a news fast 175
85. Replace worry with action 178
86. Run with the thinkers 181
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87. Put more enjoyment in 182
88. Keep walking 184
89. Read more mysteries 186
90. Think your way up 188
91. Exploit your weakness 189
92. Try becoming the problem 191
93. Enlarge your objective 193
94. Give yourself flying lessons 195
95. Hold your vision accountable 197
96. Build your power base 199
97. Connect truth to beauty 200
98. Read yourself a story 202
99. Laugh for no reason 203
100. Walk with love and death 205
Afterword: Teach yourself the power of negative thinking 213
Index 217
About the Author 223
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Preface
Cyber Motivation
When this book was first written (in 1995), the entire world was not yet
living in cyberspace. The Internet was a relatively new idea, and very
few of us knew how big a part of our lives it would become.
As the new millennium dawned, a strange thing began to happen.
People everywhere were writing again, just as people did in the 1800s
when they took their quills out to write letters and diaries. The age of
mind-numbing television viewing had been eclipsed by the age of chat
rooms and e-mail.
This wonderful evolutionary jump in civilization gave this little book
that you are holding in your hands right now brand-new life. All of a
sudden the fight for limited shelf space in bookstores was not as
important to a book’s success. What became most important was the
book’s word-of-mouth “buzz” over the Internet.
Soon people were e-mailing other people about this book and the
Internet bookstores (with infinite shelf space) were selling copies as fast
as Career Press could print them. I began getting e-mails from readers
as far away as Taiwan and Japan and as close as my computer screen.
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When we leave this world, we will ask ourselves one question: What’s
different? What’s different because I was here? And the answer to that
question will be the difference that we made.
All of our thoughts and feelings won’t matter any more when we are on
our deathbeds asking that question. What will matter is the action we
took and the difference that it made.
Yet we continue to obsess about our thoughts and become fascinated
with our feelings. We are offended by other people. We want to prove
we are right. We make other people wrong. We are disappointed in
some people and resent others. It goes on and on and none of it will
matter on that deathbed.
Action will be all that matters.
We could have made a difference every hour, every day, if we had
wanted to.
So how do we do that? How do we motivate ourselves to get into
action? How do we live a life of action and difference-making?
Aristotle knew the answer.
In the original preface to the original edition of this book, Aristotle gave
the answer. The answer lies in motion. The answer lies in movement.
So what follows is the original snow angel preface to the original edition
of the book. It’s re-dedicated to everyone who has written to me about
it:
When I was a child growing up in Michigan, we used to make angels in
the snow.
We would find a fresh, untouched patch of snow and lie on our backs in
it. Then, flapping our arms, we’d leave the impression of wings in the
snow. We would then get up and admire our work. The two
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movements, lying down and flapping our arms, created the angel.
This memory of Michigan in the winter has come back to me a lot in
recent weeks. It first happened when someone asked me what the
connection was between self-motivation and self-creation.
While answering the question, I got a picture of snow. I had a vision
that the whole universe was snow, and I could create myself any way I
wanted by my movement. The movement of the actions I took would
create the self I wanted to be.
Aristotle also knew how to create a self through movement.
He once said this: “Whatever we learn to do, we learn by actually doing
it; men come to be builders, for instance, by building, and harp players
by playing the harp. In the same way, by doing just acts we come to be
just: By doing self-controlled acts, we come to be self-controlled; and
by doing brave acts, we become brave.”
This book contains 100 moves you can make in the snow.
Steve Chandler
Phoenix, Arizona
January, 2001
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Introduction
You Have No Personality
That each of us has a fixed personality is a myth. It is self-limiting and it
denies us our power of continuous creation.
In our ongoing creation of who we are, nothing has a greater impact on
that process than the choice we make between optimism and pessimism.
There are no optimistic or pessimistic personalities; there are only
single, individual choices for optimistic or pessimistic thoughts.
Charlie Chaplin once entered a “Charlie Chaplin Look-alike Contest” in
Monte Carlo and the judges awarded him third place!
Personality is overrated. Who we are is up to us every moment.
The choices we make for our thinking either motivate us or they do not.
And although clear visualization of a goal is a good first step, a joyfully
motivated life demands more. To live the life you want to live, action is
required. As Shakespeare said, “Action is eloquence.” And as
psychologist and author Dr. Nathaniel
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Branden has written, “A goal without an action plan is a daydream.”
Motion creates the self. In my experience as a teacher, consultant, and
writer, I have accumulated 100 ways of thinking that lead directly to
motivation. In my work as a corporate trainer and public seminar leader,
I have often read and researched many volumes of a psychologist’s or
philosopher’s work to find a single sentence that my seminar students
can use. What I am always looking for are ways of thinking that
energize the mind and get us going again.
So this is a book of ideas. My sole criterion in assembling these ideas
was: How useful are they? I’ve drawn on the feedback I’ve gotten from
my corporate and public seminar students to know which ideas make
lasting impressions on people and which don’t. The ones that do are in
this book.
Since its first printing in 1996, this little book has enjoyed a success I
never imagined. During its first five years of sales (sales that have
continued to be strong every year, knock on wood) we have seen the
emergence of the Internet as the world’s primary source of information.
People have not only been buying this book on the Internet, but they’ve
been posting their reviews. What’s wonderful about Internet bookstores
is that they feature reviews by regular people, not just professional
journalists who need to be witty, cynical, and clever to survive.
One such reviewer of 100 Ways in its original edition was Bubba
Spencer from Tennessee. He wrote:
“Not a real in-depth book with many complicated theories about how to
improve your life. Mostly, just good tips to increase your motivation. A
‘should read’ if you want to improve any part of your life.”
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Bubba gave this book five stars, and I am more grateful to him than to
any professional reviewer. He says I did what I set out to do.
“Making the simple complicated
is commonplace; making the
complicated simple, awesomely
simple, that’s creativity.”
—Charles Mingus,
legendary jazz musician
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100 Ways
1. Get on your deathbed
A number of years ago when I was working with psychotherapist
Devers Branden, she put me through her “deathbed” exercise.
I was asked to clearly imagine myself lying on my own deathbed, and to
fully realize the feelings connected with dying and saying good-bye.
Then she asked me to mentally invite the people in my life who were
important to me to visit my bedside, one at a time. As I visualized each
friend and relative coming in to visit me, I had to speak to them out
loud. I had to say to them what I wanted them to know as I was dying.
As I spoke to each person, I could feel my voice breaking. Somehow I
couldn’t help breaking down. My eyes were filled with tears. I
experienced such a sense of loss. It was not my own life I was
mourning; it was the love I was losing. To be more exact, it was a
communication of love that had never been there.
During this difficult exercise, I really got to see how much I’d left out of
my life. How many wonderful feelings I had about my children, for
example, that I’d never explicitly expressed.
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At the end of the exercise, I was an emotional mess. I had rarely cried
that hard in my life. But when those emotions cleared, a wonderful
thing happened. I was clear. I knew what was really important, and who
really mattered to me. I understood for the first time what George
Patton meant when he said, “Death can be more exciting than life.”
From that day on I vowed not to leave anything to chance. I made up
my mind never to leave anything unsaid. I wanted to live as if I might
die any moment. The entire experience altered the way I’ve related to
people ever since. And the great point of the exercise wasn’t lost on me:
We don’t have to wait until we’re actually near death to receive these
benefits of being mortal. We can create the experience anytime we
want.
A few years later when my mother lay dying in a hospital in Tucson, I
rushed to her side to hold her hand and repeat to her all the love and
gratitude I felt for who she had been for me. When she finally died, my
grieving was very intense, but very short. In a matter of days I felt that
everything great about my mother had entered into me and would live
there as a loving spirit forever.
A year and a half before my father’s death, I began to send him letters
and poems about his contribution to my life. He lived his last months
and died in the grip of chronic illness, so communicating and getting
through to him in person wasn’t always easy. But I always felt good that
he had those letters and poems to read. Once he called me after I’d sent
him a Father’s Day poem, and he said, “Hey, I guess I wasn’t such a bad
father after all.”
Poet William Blake warned us about keeping our thoughts locked up
until we die. “When thought is closed
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in caves,” he wrote, “then love will show its roots in deepest hell.”
Pretending you aren’t going to die is detrimental to your enjoyment of
life. It is detrimental in the same way that it would be detrimental for a
basketball player to pretend there was no end to the game he was
playing. That player would reduce his intensity, adopt a lazy playing
style, and, of course, end up not having any fun at all. Without an end,
there is no game. Without being conscious of death, you can’t be fully
aware of the gift of life.
Yet many of us (including myself) keep pretending that our life’s game
will have no end. We keep planning to do great things some day when
we feel like it. We assign our goals and dreams to that imaginary island
in the sea that Denis Waitley calls “Someday Isle.” We find ourselves
saying, “Someday I’ll do this,” and “Someday I’ll do that.”
Confronting our own death doesn’t have to wait until we run out of life.
In fact, being able to vividly imagine our last hours on our deathbed
creates a paradoxical sensation: the feeling of being born all over
again—the first step to fearless self-motivation. “People living deeply,”
wrote poet and diarist Anaïs Nin, “have no fear of death.”
And as Bob Dylan has sung, “He who is not busy being born is busy
dying.”
2. Stay hungry
Arnold Schwarzenegger was not famous yet in 1976 when he and I had
lunch together at the Doubletree Inn in Tucson, Arizona. Not one
person in the restaurant recognized him.
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He was in town publicizing the movie Stay Hungry, a box-office
disappointment he had just made with Jeff Bridges and Sally Field. I
was a sports columnist for the Tucson Citizen at the time, and my
assignment was to spend a full day, one-on-one, with Arnold and write a
feature story about him for our newspaper’s Sunday magazine.
I, too, had no idea who he was, or who he was going to become. I
agreed to spend the day with him because I had to—it was an
assignment. And although I took to it with an uninspired attitude, it was
one I’d never forget.
Perhaps the most memorable part of that day with Schwarzenegger
occurred when we took an hour for lunch. I had my reporter’s notebook
out and was asking questions for the story while we ate. At one point I
casually asked him, “Now that you have retired from bodybuilding,
what are you going to do next?”
And with a voice as calm as if he were telling me about some mundane
travel plans, he said, “I’m going to be the number-one box-office star in
all of Hollywood.”
Mind you, this was not the slim, aerobic Arnold we know today. This
man was pumped up and huge. And so for my own physical sense of
well-being, I tried to appear to find his goal reasonable.
I tried not to show my shock and amusement at his plan. After all, his
first attempt at movies didn’t promise much. And his Austrian accent
and awkward monstrous build didn’t suggest instant acceptance by
movie audiences. I finally managed to match his calm demeanor, and I
asked him just how he planned to become Hollywood’s top star.
“It’s the same process I used in bodybuilding,” he explained. “What you
do is create a vision of who you want to be, and then live into that
picture as if it were already true.”
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It sounded ridiculously simple. Too simple to mean anything. But I
wrote it down. And I never forgot it.
I’ll never forget the moment when some entertainment TV show was
saying that box office receipts from his second Terminator movie had
made him the most popular box office draw in the world. Was he
psychic? Or was there something to his formula?
Over the years I’ve used Arnold’s idea of creating a vision as a
motivational tool. I’ve also elaborated on it in my corporate training
seminars. I invite people to notice that Arnold said that you create a
vision. He did not say that you wait until you receive a vision. You
create one. In other words, you make it up.
A major part of living a life of self-motivation is having something to
wake up for in the morning—something that you are “up to” in life so
that you will stay hungry.
The vision can be created right now—better now than later. You can
always change it if you want, but don’t live a moment longer without
one. Watch what being hungry to live that vision does to your ability to
motivate yourself.
3. Tell yourself a true lie
I remember when my then-12-year-old daughter Margery participated
in a school poetry reading in which all her classmates had to write a “lie
poem” about how great they were.
They were supposed to make up untruths about themselves that made
them sound unbelievably wonderful. I realized as I listened to the poems
that the children were doing an unintended version of what Arnold did
to clarify the picture of his future. By
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“lying” to themselves they were creating a vision of who they wanted to
be.
It’s noteworthy, too, that public schools are so out of touch with the
motivational sources of individual achievement and personal success
that in order to invite children to express big visions for themselves they
have to invite the children to “lie.” (As it was said in the movie ET,
“How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?”)
Most of us are unable to see the truth of who we could be. My
daughter’s school developed an unintended solution to that difficulty: If
it’s hard for you to imagine the potential in yourself, then you might
want to begin by expressing it as a fantasy, as did the children who
wrote the poems. Think up some stories about who you would like to
be. Your subconscious mind doesn’t know you’re fantasizing (it either
receives pictures or doesn’t).
Soon you will begin to create the necessary blueprint for stretching your
accomplishments. Without a picture of your highest self, you can’t live
into that self. Fake it till you make it. The lie will become the truth.
4. Keep your eyes on the prize
Most of us never really focus. We constantly feel a kind of irritating
psychic chaos because we keep trying to think of too many things at
once. There’s always too much up there on the screen.
There was an interesting motivational talk on this subject given by
former Dallas Cowboys coach Jimmy Johnson to his football players
before the 1993 Super Bowl:
“I told them that if I laid a two-by-four across the room, everybody
there would walk across it and not fall, because our focus would be that
we were going to walk
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that two-by-four, But if I put that same two-by-four 10 stories high
between two buildings only a few would make it, because the focus
would be on falling. Focus is everything. The team that is more focused
today is the team that will win this game.”
Johnson told his team not to be distracted by the crowd, the media, or
the possibility of losing, but to focus on each play of the game itself just
as if it were a good practice session.
The Cowboys won the game 52-17.
There’s a point to that story that goes way beyond football. Most of us
tend to lose our focus in life because we’re perpetually worried about so
many negative possibilities. Rather than focusing on the two-by-four,
we worry about all the ramifications of falling. Rather than focusing on
our goals, we are distracted by our worries and fears.
But when you focus on what you want, it will come into your life.
When you focus on being a happy and motivated person, that is who
you will be.
5. Learn to sweat in peace
The harder you are on yourself, the easier life is on you. Or, as they say
in the Navy Seals, the more you sweat in peacetime, the less you bleed
in war.
My childhood friend Rett Nichols was the first to show me this principle
in action. When we were playing Little League baseball, we were
always troubled by how fast the pitchers threw the ball. We were in an
especially good league, and the overgrown opposing pitchers, whose
birth certificates we were always demanding to see, fired the ball in to
us at alarming speeds during the games.
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We began dreading going up to the plate to hit. It wasn’t fun. Batting
had become something we just tried to get through without
embarrassing ourselves too much.
Then Rett got an idea.
“What if the pitches we faced in games were slower than the ones we
face every day in practice?” Rett asked.
“That’s just the problem,” I said. “We don’t know anybody who can
pitch that fast to us. That’s why, in the games, it’s so hard. The ball looks
like an aspirin pill coming in at 200 miles an hour.”
“I know we don’t know anyone who can throw a baseball that fast,” said
Rett. “But what if it wasn’t a baseball?”
“I don’t know what you mean,” I said.
Just then Rett pulled from his pocket a little plastic golf ball with holes
in it. The kind our dads used to hit in the backyard for golf practice.
“Get a bat,” Rett said.
I picked up a baseball bat and we walked out to the park near Rett’s
house. Rett went to the pitcher’s mound but came in about three feet
closer than usual. As I stood at the plate, he fired the little golf ball past
me as I tried to swing at it.
“Ha ha!” Rett shouted. “That’s faster than anybody you’ll face in little
league! Let’s get going!”
We then took turns pitching to each other with this bizarre little ball
humming in at incredible speeds. The little plastic ball was not only
hilariously fast, but it curved and dropped more sharply than any little
leaguer’s pitch could do.
By the time Rett and I played our next league game, we were ready.
The pitches looked like they were coming in slow motion. Big white
balloons.
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I hit the first and only home run I ever hit after one of Rett’s sessions. It
was off a left-hander whose pitch seemed to hang in the air forever
before I creamed it.
The lesson Rett taught me was one I’ve never forgotten. Whenever I’m
afraid of something coming up, I will find a way to do something that’s
even harder or scarier. Once I do the harder thing, the real thing
becomes fun.
The great boxer Muhammad Ali used to use this principle in choosing
his sparring partners. He’d make sure that the sparring partners he
worked with before a fight were better than the boxer he was going up
against in the real fight. They might not always be better all-around, but
he found sparring partners who were each better in one certain way or
another than his upcoming opponent. After facing them, he knew going
into each fight that he had already fought those skills and won.
You can always “stage” a bigger battle than the one you have to face. If
you have to make a presentation in front of someone who scares you,
you can always rehearse it first in front of someone who scares you
more. If you’ve got something hard to do and you’re hesitant to do it,
pick out something even harder and do that first.
Watch what it does to your motivation going into the “real” challenge.
6. Simplify your life
The great Green Bay Packer’s football coach Vince Lombardi was once
asked why his world championship team, which had so many multitalented
players, ran such a simple set of plays. “It’s hard to be
aggressive when you’re confused,” he said.
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One of the benefits of creatively planning your life is that it allows you
to simplify. You can weed out, delegate, and eliminate all activities that
don’t contribute to your projected goals.
Another effective way to simplify your life is to combine your tasks.
Combining allows you to achieve two or more objectives at once.
For example, as I plan my day today, I notice that I need to shop for my
family after work. That’s a task I can’t avoid because we’re running out
of everything. I also note that one of my goals is to finish reading my
daughter Stephanie’s book reports. I realize, too, that I’ve made a
decision to spend more time doing things with all my kids, as I’ve tended
lately to just come home and crash at the end of a long day.
An aggressive orientation to the day—making each day simpler and
stronger than the day before—allows you to look at all of these tasks
and small goals and ask yourself, “What can I combine?” (Creativity is
really little more than making unexpected combinations, in music,
architecture, anything, including your day.)
After some thought, I realize that I can combine shopping with doing
something with my children. (That looks obvious and easy, but I can’t
count the times I mindlessly go shopping, or do things on my own just to
get them done, and then run out of time to play with the kids.)
I also think a little further and remember that the grocery store where
we shop has a little deli with tables in it. My kids love to make lists and
go up and down the aisles themselves to fill the grocery cart, so I decide
to read my daughter’s book reports at the deli while they travel the
aisles for food. They see where I’m sitting, and keep coming over to
update me on what they are choosing. After an hour or so, three things
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have happened at once: 1) I’ve done something with the kids; 2) I’ve
read through the book reports; and 3) the shopping has been completed.
In her book, Brain Building, Marilyn Vos Savant recommends
something similar to simplify life. She advises that we make a list of
absolutely every small task that has to be done, say, over the weekend,
and then do them all at once, in one exciting focused action. A manic
blitz. In other words, fuse all small tasks together and make the doing of
them one task so that the rest of the weekend is absolutely free to create
as we wish.
Bob Koether, who I will talk about later as the president of Infincom,
has the most simplified time management system I’ve ever seen in my
life. His method is this: Do everything right on the spot—don’t put
anything unnecessarily into your future. Do it now, so that the future is
always wide open. Watching him in action is always an experience.
I’ll be sitting in his office and I’ll mention the name of a person whose
company I’d like to take my training to in the future.
“Will you make a note to get in touch with him and let him know I’ll be
calling?” I ask.
“Make a note?” he asks in horror.
The next thing I know, before I can say anything, Bob’s wheeling in his
chair and dialing the person on the phone. Within two minutes he’s
scheduled a meeting between the person and me and after he puts down
the phone he says, “Okay, done! What’s next?”
I tell him I’ve prepared the report he wanted on training for his service
teams and I hand it to him.
“You can read it later and get back to me,” I offer.
“Hold on a second,” he says, already deeply absorbed in reading the
report’s content. After 10 minutes or so,
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during which time he’s read much of what interests him aloud, the report
has been digested, discussed, and filed.
It’s a time management system like no other. What could you call it?
Perhaps, Handle Everything Immediately. It keeps Bob’s life simple. He
is an aggressive and successful CEO, and, as Vince Lombardi said, “It’s
hard to be aggressive when you’re confused.”
Most people are reluctant to see themselves as being creative because
they associate creativity with complexity. But creativity is simplicity.
Michelangelo said that he could actually see his masterpiece, “The
David,” in the huge, rough rock he discovered in a marble quarry. His
only job, he said, was to carve away what wasn’t necessary and he
would have his statue. Achieving simplicity in our cluttered and hectic
lives is also an ongoing process of carving away what’s not necessary.
My most dramatic experience of the power of simplicity occurred in
1984 when I was hired to help write the television and radio
advertisements for Jim Kolbe, a candidate for United States Congress
running in Arizona’s Fifth District. In that campaign, I saw firsthand
how focus, purpose, and simplicity can work together to create a great
result.
Based on prior political history, Kolbe had about a 3 percent chance of
winning the election. His opponent was a popular incumbent
congressman, during a time when incumbents were almost never
defeated by challengers. In addition, Kolbe was a Republican in a
largely Democratic district. And the final strike against him was that he
had tried once before to defeat this same man, Jim McNulty, and had
lost. The voters had already spoken on the issue.
Kolbe himself supplied the campaign with its sense of purpose. A
tireless campaigner with unwavering
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principles, he emanated his sense of mission and we all drew energy
from him.
Political consultant Joe Shumate, one of the shrewdest people I’ve ever
worked with, kept us all focused with consistent campaign strategy. It
was the job of the advertising and media work to keep it strong and
simple.
Although our opponent ran nearly 15 different TV ads, each one about a
different issue, we determined from the outset that we would stick to
the same message throughout, from the first ad to the last. We basically
ran the same ad over and over. We knew that although the district was
largely Democratic, our polling showed that philosophically it was more
conservative. Kolbe himself was conservative, so his views coincided
with the voters’ better than our opponent’s did, although the voters
weren’t yet aware of it. By having each of our ads focused on our
simple theme—who better represents you—we gained rapidly in the
polls as election night neared.
The nightlong celebration of Jim Kolbe’s upset victory brought a huge
message home to me: The simpler you keep it, the stronger it gets.
Kolbe won a close victory that night, but he remains in Congress today,
more than 10 years later, and his victory margins are now huge. He has
never complicated his message, and he has kept his politics strong and
simple, even when it looked unpopular to do so.
It’s hard to stay motivated when you’re confused. When you simplify
your life, it gathers focus. The more you can focus your life, the more
motivated it gets.
7. Look for the lost gold
When I am happy, I see the happiness in others. When I am
compassionate, I see the compassion in other
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people. When I am full of energy and hope, I see opportunities all
around me.
But when I am angry, I see other people as unnecessarily testy. When I
am depressed, I notice that people’s eyes look sad. When I am weary, I
see the world as boring and unattractive.
Who I am is what I see!
If I drive into Phoenix and complain, “What a crowded, smog-ridden
mess this place is!” I am really expressing what a crowded, smog-ridden
mess I am at that moment. If I had been feeling motivated that day, and
full of hope and happiness, I could just as easily have said, while driving
into Phoenix, “Wow, what a thriving, energetic metropolis this is!”
Again, I would have been describing my inner landscape, not Phoenix’s.
Our self-motivation suffers most from how we choose to see the
circumstances in our lives. That’s because we don’t see things as they
are, we see things as we are.
In every circumstance, we can look for the gold, or look for the filth.
And what we look for, we find. The best starting point for
self-motivation is in what we choose to look for in what we see around
us. Do we see the opportunity everywhere?
“When I open my eyes in the morning,” said Colin Wilson, “I am not
confronted by the world, but by a million possible worlds.”
It is always our choice. Which world do we want to see today?
Opportunity is life’s gold. It’s all you need to be happy. It’s the fertile
field in which you grow as a person. And opportunities are like those
subatomic quantum particles that come into existence only when they
are seen by an observer. Your opportunities will multiply when you
choose to see them.
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8. Push all your own buttons
Have you ever peeked into the cockpit of a large airliner as you boarded
a plane? It’s an impressive display of buttons, levers, dials, and switches
under one big windshield.
What if, as you were boarding, you overheard the pilot say to the
co-pilot, “Joe, remind me, what does this set of buttons do?”
If I heard that, it would make it a rough flight for me. But most of us
pilot our own lives that way, without much knowledge of the
instruments. We don’t take the time to learn where our own buttons are,
or what they can do.
From now on, make it a personal commitment to notice everything that
pushes your buttons. Make a note of everything that inspires you. That’s
your control panel. Those buttons operate your whole system of
personal motivation.
Motivation doesn’t have to be accidental. For example, you don’t have
to wait for hours until a certain song comes on the radio that picks up
your spirits. You can control what songs you hear.
If there are certain songs that always lift you up, make a tape or CD of
those songs and have it ready to play in your car. Go through all of your
music and create a “greatest motivational hits” tape for yourself.
Use the movies, too.
How many times do you leave a movie feeling inspired and ready to
take on the world? Whenever that happens, put the name of the movie
in a special notebook that you might label “the right buttons.” Six
months to a year later, you can rent the movie and get the same inspired
feeling. Most movies that inspire us are even better the second time
around.
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You have much more control over your environment than you realize.
You can begin programming yourself consciously to be more and more
focused and motivated. Get to know your control panel and learn how
to push your own buttons. The more you know about how you operate,
the easier it will be to motivate yourself.
9. Build a track record
It’s not what we do that makes us tired—it’s what we don’t do. The tasks
we don’t complete cause the most fatigue.
I was giving a motivational seminar to a utility company recently, and
during one of the breaks a small man who looked to be in his 60s came
up to me.
“My problem,” he said, “is that I never seem to finish anything. I’m
always starting things—this project and that, but I never finish. I’m
always off on to something else before anything is completed.”
He then asked whether I could give him some affirmations that might
alter his belief system. He correctly saw the problem as being one of
belief. Because he did not believe he was a good finisher, he did not
finish anything. So he wanted a magical word or phrase to repeat to
himself that would brainwash him into being different.
“Do you think affirmations are what you need?” I asked him. “If you
had to learn how to use a computer, could you do it by sitting on your
bed and repeating the affirmations, ‘I know how to use a computer. I am
great at using computers. I am a wizard on a computer’?”
He admitted that affirmations would probably have no effect on his
ability to use a computer.
“The best way to change your belief system is to change the truth about
you,” I said. “We believe the truth
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faster than we believe false affirmations. To believe that you are a good
finisher, you must begin by building a track record of finished tasks.”
He followed my suggestions with great enthusiasm. He bought a
notebook and at the top of the first page he wrote, “Things I’ve
Finished.” Each day, he made a point of setting small goals and finishing
them. Whereas in the past he would be sweeping his front walk and
leave it unfinished when the phone rang, now he’d let the phone ring so
he could finish the job and record it in his notebook. The more things he
wrote down, the more confident he became that he was truly becoming
a finisher. And he had a notebook to prove it.
Consider how much more permanent his new belief was than if he had
tried to do it with affirmations. He could have whispered to himself all
night long, “I am a great finisher,” but the right side of his brain would
have known better. It would have said to him, “No you’re not.”
Stop worrying about what you think of yourself and start building a
track record that proves that you can motivate yourself to do whatever
you want to do.
10. Welcome the unexpected
Most people do not see themselves as being creative, but we all are.
Most people say, “My sister’s creative, she paints,” or “My father’s
creative, he sings and writes music.” We miss the point that we are all
creative.
One of the reasons we don’t see ourselves that way is that we normally
associate being “creative” with being “original.” But in reality, creativity
has nothing to do with originality—it has everything to do with being
unexpected.
You don’t have to be original to be creative. In fact, it sometimes helps
to realize that no one is original.
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Even Mozart said that he never wrote an original melody in his life. His
melodies were all recombinations of old folk melodies.
Look at Elvis Presley. People thought he was a true original when he
first came upon the scene. But he wasn’t. He was just the first white
person to ever sing with enthusiasm. His versions of songs, however,
were often direct copies from African-American rhythm and blues
singers. Elvis acknowledged that his entire style was a combination of
Little Richard, Jackie Wilson, and James Brown, as well as a variety of
gospel singers.
Although Elvis wasn’t original, he was creative. Because he was so
unexpected.
If you believe you were created in the image of your Creator, then you
must, therefore, be creative. Then, if you’re willing to see yourself as
creative, you can begin to cultivate it in everything you do. You can
start coming up with all kinds of unexpected solutions to the challenges
that life throws at you.
11. Find your master key
I used to have the feeling that everyone else in life had at one time or
another been issued instruction books on how to make life work. And I,
for some reason, wasn’t there when they passed them out.
I felt a little like the Spanish poet Cesar Vallejo, who wrote, “Well, on
the day I was born, God was sick.”
Still struggling in my mid-30s with a pessimistic outlook and no sense of
purpose, I voiced my frustration once to a friend of mine, Dr. Mike
Killebrew, who recommended a book to me. Until that time, I didn’t
really believe that there could be a book that could tell you how to
make your life work.
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The name of the book was The Master Key to Riches by Napoleon Hill.
It sat on my shelf for quite awhile. I didn’t believe in motivational books
or self-help. They were for weak and gullible fools. I was finally
persuaded to read the book by the word riches in the title. Riches would
be a welcome addition to my life. Riches were probably what I needed
to make me happy and wipe out my troubles.
What the book actually did was a lot more than increase my earning
capacity (although by practicing the principles in the book, my earnings
doubled in less than a year). Napoleon Hill’s advice ultimately sparked a
fire in me that changed my entire life.
I soon acquired an ability that I would later realize was self-motivation.
After reading that book, I read all of Napoleon Hill’s books. I also began
buying motivational audiobooks for listening to in my car and for
playing by my bed as I went to sleep each night. Everything I had
learned in school, in college, and from my family and friends was out
the window. Without fully understanding it, I was engaging in the
process of completely rebuilding my own thinking. I was, thought by
thought, replacing the old cynical and passive orientation to life with a
new optimistic and energetic outlook.
So, what is this master key to riches?
“The great master key to riches,” said Hill, “is nothing more or less than
the self-discipline necessary to help you take full and complete
possession of your own mind. Remember, it is profoundly significant
that the only thing over which you have complete control is your own
mental attitude.”
Taking complete possession of my own mind would be a lifelong
adventure, but it was one that I was excited about beginning.
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Maybe Hill’s book will not be your own master key, but I promise you
that you’ll find an instruction book on how to make your life work if you
keep looking. It might be The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, The Last
Word in Power by Tracy Goss, Frankenstein’s Castle by Colin Wilson,
or The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden. All those
books would have worked the primary transformation for me, and they
have all taken me higher up the motivational ladder. Your own key
might even come from the spiritual literature of your choice. You’ll find
it when you’re ready to seek. It’s out there waiting for you.
12. Put your library on wheels
One of the greatest opportunities for motivating yourself today lies in
the way you use your drive time.
There is no longer any excuse for time in the car to be down time or
frustrating or time that isn’t motivating. With the huge variety of
audiotapes and CDs now available, you can use your time on the road
to educate and motivate yourself at the same time.
When we use our time in the car to simply listen to hip-hop or to curse
traffic, we are undermining our own frame of mind. Moreover, by
listening to tabloid-type “news” programs for too long a period of time,
we actually get a distorted view of life. News programs today have one
goal: to shock or sadden the listener. The most vulgar and horrific
stories around the state and nation are searched for and found.
I experienced this firsthand when I worked for a daily newspaper. I saw
how panicked the city desk got if there were no murders or rapes that
day. I watched as they tore through the wire stories to see if a news item
from another state could be gruesome enough to save the front
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page. If there’s no drowning, they’ll reluctantly go with a near-drowning.
There is nothing wrong with this. It’s not immoral or unethical. It feeds
the public’s hunger for bad news. It’s exactly what people want, so, in a
way, it is a service.
But it reaches its most damaging proportions when the average listener
to a car radio believes that all this bad news is a true and fair reflection
of what’s happening in the world. It’s not. It is deliberately selected to
spice up the broadcast and keep people listening. It is designed to
horrify, because horrified people are a riveted audience and advertisers
like it that way.
The media have also found ways to extend the stories that are truly
horrible, so that we don’t hear them just once. If a plane goes down, we
can listen all week long as investigators pick through the wreckage and
family members weep before the microphones. A week later, playing
the last words of the pilots found in the black box, on the air, extends
the story further.
In the meantime, while we are glued to our news stations, air safety is
better than ever before. Literally millions of planes are taking off and
landing without incident. Deaths per passenger mile are decreasing
every year as the technology for safe flight improves. But is that news?
No. And because my seminar schedule requires that I travel a lot by air,
I can see up close what the so-called “news” has done to our psyches.
Simple turbulence in the air will cause my fellow passengers’ eyes to
enlarge and their hands to grip their armrests in terror. The negative
programming of our minds has had a huge impact on us.
If we would be more selective with how we program our minds while
we are driving, we could have some exciting breakthroughs in two
important areas: knowledge and motivation. There are now hundreds of
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audiobook series on self-motivation, on how to use the Internet, on
health, on goal setting, and on all the useful subjects that we need to
think about if we’re going to grow.
As Emerson once said, “We become what we think about all day long.”
(I first heard that sentence, years ago, while driving in my car listening
to an Earl Nightingale audio program!) If we leave what we think about
to chance, or to a tabloid radio station, then we lose a large measure of
control over our own minds.
Many people today drive a great deal of the time. With motivational
and educational audiobooks, it has been estimated that drivers can
receive the equivalent of a full semester in college with three months’
worth of driving. Most libraries have large sections devoted to
audiobooks, and all the best and all the current audiobooks are now
available on Internet bookseller’s sites.
Are all motivational programs effective? No. Some might not move you
at all. That’s why it’s good to read the customer reviews before buying
an audio program over the Internet.
But there have been so many times when a great motivational audio
played in my car has had a positive impact on my frame of mind and my
ability to live and work with enthusiasm.
One moment stands out in my memory above all others, although there
have been hundreds. I was driving in my car one day listening to Wayne
Dyer’s classic audio series, Choosing Your Own Greatness. At the end
of a long, moving argument for not making our happiness dependent on
some material object hanging out there in our future, Dyer said, “There
is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.”
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That one thought eased itself into my mind at that moment and never
left it. It is not an “original” thought, but Dyer’s gentle presentation, so
filled with serene joy and so effortlessly spoken, changed me in a way
that no ancient volume of wisdom ever could have. That’s one of the
powers of the audiobook form of learning: It simulates an extremely
intimate one-on-one experience.
Wayne Dyer, Marianne Williamson, Caroline Myss, Barbara Sher, Tom
Peters, Nathaniel Branden, Earl Nightingale, Alan Watts, and Anthony
Robbins are just a few motivators whose tapes have changed my life.
You’ll find your own favorites.
You don’t have to find time to go read at the library. Forget the library.
You are already driving in one.
13. Definitely plan your work
Some of us may think we’re too depressed right now to start on a new
course of personal motivation. Or we’re too angry. Or we’re too upset
about certain problems.
But Napoleon Hill insisted that that’s the perfect time to learn one of
life’s most unusual rules: “There is one unbeatable rule for the mastery
of sorrows and disappointments, and that is the transmutation of those
emotional frustrations through definitely planned work. It is a rule
which has no equal.”
Once we get the picture of who we want to be, “definitely planned
work” is the next step on the path. Definitely planned work inspires the
energy of purpose. Without it, we suffer from a weird kind of intention
deficit disorder. We’re short on intention. We don’t know where we’re
going or what we’re up to.
When I was a training instructor at a time-management company many
years ago, we taught people in business how to maximize time spent on
the job. The
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primary idea was this: One hour of planning saves three hours of
execution.
However, most of us don’t feel we have time for that hour of planning.
We’re too busy cleaning up yesterday’s problems (that were caused by
lack of planning). We don’t yet see that planning would be the most
productive hour we spend. Instead, we wander unconsciously into the
workplace and react to crises. (Again, most of which result from a
failure to plan.)
A carefully planned meeting can take a third of the time that an
unplanned free-for-all takes. A carefully planned day can take a third of
the time that an unplanned free-for-all day takes.
My friend Kirk Nelson manages a large sales staff at a major radio
station. His success in life was moderate until he discovered the
principle of definitely planned work. Now he spends two hours each
weekend on his computer planning the week ahead.
“It’s made all the difference in the world,” he said. “Not only do I get
three times the work done, but I feel so in control. The week feels like
my week. The work feels like my work. My life feels like my life.”
It is impossible to work with a definite sense of purpose and be
depressed at the same time. Carefully planned work will motivate you
to do more and worry less.
14. Bounce your thoughts
If you’ve ever coached or worked with kids who play basketball, you
know that most of them have a tendency to dribble with only one
hand—the one attached to their dominant arm.
When you notice a child doing this, you might call him aside and say,
“Billy, you’re dribbling with just the
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one hand every time, and the defender can easily defend you when you
do that. Your options are cut off. You need to dribble with your other
hand, too, so that he never knows which way you’re going to go.”
At this point Billy might say, “I can’t.” And you smile and say, “What
do you mean you can’t?”
And Billy then shows you that when he dribbles with his subdominant
(weaker) hand and arm, the ball is all over the place. So, to his mind, he
can’t.
“Billy,” you say. “It’s not that you can’t, it’s just that you haven’t.”
Then you explain to Billy that his other hand can dribble just as well if
he is willing to practice. It’s just a matter of logging enough bounces. It’s
the simple formation of a habit. After enough practice dribbling with his
other hand, Billy will learn you were right.
The same principle is true for reprogramming our own dominant habits
of thinking. If our dominant thought habit is pessimistic, all we have to
do is dribble with the other hand: Think optimistic thoughts more and
more often until it feels natural.
If someone had asked me (before I started my journey to
self-motivation that began with Napoleon Hill) why I didn’t try to be
more goal oriented and optimistic, I would have said, “I can’t. It’s just
not me. I wouldn’t know how.” But it would have been more accurate
for me to just say, “I haven’t.”
Thinking is just like bouncing the basketball. On the one hand, I can
think pessimistically and build that side of me up (it’s just a matter of
repeatedly bouncing those thoughts). On the other hand, I can think
optimistically—one thought at a time—and build that habit up.
Self-motivation is all a matter of how much in control you want to be.
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I read somewhere that we humans have up to 45,000 thoughts a day. I
can’t vouch for the accuracy of that figure, especially because I know
some people who seem to have no more than nine or 10. However, if it
is true that we have 45,000 thoughts, then you can see how patient we
have to be about turning a pessimistic thought habit around.
The overall pattern won’t change after just a few positive bounces of the
brain. If you’re a pessimist, your bio-computer has really been
programmed heavily in that direction. But it doesn’t take long before a
new pattern can emerge. As a former pessimist myself, I can tell you it
really happens, however slowly but surely. You do change. One thought
at a time.
If you can bounce it one way, you can bounce it the other.
15. Light your lazy dynamite
Henry Ford used to point out to his colleagues that there wasn’t any job
that couldn’t be handled if they were willing to break it down into little
pieces.
And when you’ve broken a job down, remember to allow yourself some
slow motion in beginning the first piece. Just take it slow and easy.
Because it isn’t important how fast you are doing it. What’s important is
that you are doing it.
Most of our hardest jobs never seem to get done. The mere thought of
doing the whole job, at a high energy level, is frequently too off-putting
to allow motivation to occur.
But a good way to ease yourself into that motivation is to act as if you
were the laziest person on the planet. (It wasn’t much of an act for me!)
By accepting that you’re going to do your task in a slow and lazy way,
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there is no anxiety or dread about getting it started. In fact, you can
even have fun by entering into it as if you were in a slow-motion
comedy, flowing into the work like a person made of water.
But the paradox is that the slower you start something, the faster you
will be finished.
When you first think about doing something hard or overwhelming, you
are most aware of how you don’t want to do it at all. In other words, the
mental picture you have of the activity, of doing it fast and furiously, is
not a happy picture. So you think of ways to avoid doing the job
altogether.
The thought of starting slowly is an easy thought. And doing it slowly
allows you to actually start doing it. Therefore it gets finished.
Another thing that happens when you flow into a project slowly is that
speed will often overtake you without your forcing it. Just as the natural
rhythm inside you will get you in sync with what you are doing. You’ll
be surprised how soon your conscious mind stops forcing the action and
your subconscious mind supplies you with easy energy.
So take your time. Start out lazy. Soon your tasks will be keeping the
slow but persistent rhythm of that hypnotic song on Paul McCartney’s
Red Rose Speedway album, “Oh Lazy Dynamite.”
The dynamite is living inside you. You don’t have to be frenzied about
setting it off. It lights just as well to a match struck slowly.
16. Choose the happy few
Politely walk away from friends who don’t support the changes in your
life.
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There will be friends who don’t. They will be jealous and afraid every
time you make a change. They will see your new motivation as a
condemnation of their own lack of it. In subtle ways, they will bring you
back down to who you used to be. Beware of friends and family who do
this. They know not what they do.
The people you spend time with will change your life in one way or
another. If you associate with cynics, they’ll pull you down with them. If
you associate with people who support you in being happy and
successful, you will have a head start on being happy and successful.
Throughout the day we have many choices regarding who we are going
to be with and talk to. Don’t just gravitate to the coffee machine and
participate in the negative gossip because it’s the only game in town. It
will drain your energy and stifle your own optimism. We all know who
lifts us up, and we all know who brings us down. It’s okay to start being
more careful about to whom we give our time.
In his inspiring book Spontaneous Healing, Andrew Weil recommends:
“Make a list of friends and acquaintances in whose company you feel
more alive, happier, more optimistic. Pick one whom you will spend
some time with this week.”
When you’re in a conversation with a cynic, possibilities seem to have a
way of disappearing. A mildly depressing sense of fatalism seems to
take over the conversation. No new ideas and no innovative humor.
“Cynics,” observed President Calvin Coolidge, “do not create.”
On the other hand, enthusiasm for life is contagious. And being in a
conversation with an optimist always opens us up to see more and more
of life’s possibilities.
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Kierkegaard once said, “If I were to wish for anything, I should not wish
for wealth and power, but for the passionate sense of the potential, for
the eye which, ever young and ardent, sees the possible. Pleasure
disappoints, possibility never.”
17. Learn to play a role
Your future is not determined by your personality. In fact, your
personality is not even determined by your personality. There is no
genetic code in you that determines who you will be. You are the
thinker who determines who you will be. How you act is who you
become.
Another way of seeing that might be contained in these related thoughts
from Star Trek’s Leonard Nimoy: “Spock had a big, big effect on me. I
am so much more Spock-like today than when I first played the part in
1965 that you wouldn’t recognize me. I’m not talking about appearance,
but thought processes. Doing that character, I learned so much about
rational logical thought that it reshaped my life.”
You’ll gather energy and inspiration by being the character you want to
play.
I took an acting class a few years ago because I thought it would help
me deal with my overwhelming stage fright. But I learned something
much more valuable than how to relax in front of a crowd. I learned
that my emotions were tools for me to use, not demonic forces. I
learned that my emotions were mine to work with and change at will.
Although I had read countless times that our own deliberate thoughts
control our emotions, and that the feelings we have are all caused by
what we think, I never trusted that concept as real, because it didn’t
always feel real.
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To me, it felt more like emotion was an all-powerful thing that could
overcome my thinking and ruin a good day (or a good relationship).
It took a great acting teacher, Judy Rollings, and my own long struggles
with performing difficult scenes to show me that my emotions really
could be under the complete control of my mind. I found out that I
could motivate myself by thinking and acting like a motivated person,
just as I could depress myself by thinking and acting like a depressed
person. With practice, the fine line between acting and being
disappeared.
We love great actors because it seems like they are the characters they
play. Poor actors are those who can’t “be” their part and therefore don’t
convince us of their character’s reality. We hoot at those people. We
call it bad acting.
Yet we don’t realize that we ourselves miss the same opportunities in
life when we can’t “be” the person we want to be. It doesn’t take
authentic circumstances to be who you want to be. It just takes
rehearsal.
18. Don’t just do something…sit there
For a long time, all by yourself, sit quietly, absolutely alone. Completely
relax. Don’t allow the television or music to be on. Just be with yourself.
Watch for what happens. Feel your sense of belonging to the silence.
Observe insights starting to appear. Observe your relationship with
yourself starting to get better and softer and more comfortable.
Sitting quietly allows your true dream life to give you hints and flashes
of motivation. In this information-rich, interactive, civilized life today,
you are either living your dream or living someone else’s. And unless
you
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give your own dream the time and space it needs to formulate itself,
you’ll spend the better part of your life simply helping others make their
dreams come true.
“All of man’s troubles,” said Blaise Pascal, “stem from his inability to sit
alone, quietly, in a room for any length of time.”
Notice that he did not say some of man’s troubles, but all.
Sometimes, in my seminars on motivation, a person will ask me, “Why
is it that I get my best ideas when I’m in the shower?”
I usually ask the person, “When else during your day are you alone with
yourself, without any distractions?”
If the person is honest, the answer is never.
Great ideas come to us in the shower when it’s the only time in the day
when we’re completely alone. No television, no movies, no traffic, no
radio, no family, no talkative pets—nothing to distract our mind from
conversing with itself.
“Thinking,” said Plato, “is the soul talking to itself.”
People worry they will die of boredom or fear if they are alone for any
length of time. Other people have become so distraction-addicted that
they would consider sitting alone by themselves like being in a sensorydeprivation
tank.
The truth is that the only real motivation we ever experience is
self-motivation that comes from within. And being alone with ourselves
will always give us motivating ideas if we stay with the process long
enough.
The best way to truly understand the world is to remove yourself from
it. Psychic entropy—the seesaw mood swing between boredom and
anxiety—occurs when you allow yourself to become confused by
massive input. By being perpetually busy, glued to your cell phone, out
in
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the world all day with no time to reflect, you will guarantee yourself an
eventual overwhelming sense of confusion.
The cure is simple and painless. The process is uncomplicated.
“You do not need to leave your room,” said Franz Kafka. “Remain
sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen. Simply wait. Do not
even wait. Be quite still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to
you to be unmasked. It has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.”
In other words, don’t just do something…sit there.
19. Use your brain chemicals
There are drugs that you can use to motivate yourself with and I’m not
talking about amphetamine or crack (a deadly form of child’s play).
Instead, you can get into those energizing chemicals in your system that
get activated when you laugh…or sing…or dance…or run…or hug
someone. When you’re having fun, your body chemistry changes and
you get new biochemical surges of motivation and energy.
And there isn’t anything you do that can’t be transformed into something
interesting and uplifting. Victor Frankl has written startling accounts of
his life in the Nazi concentration camps, and how some prisoners
created new universes unto themselves inside their own minds. It might
sound absurd, but truly imaginative people can access their inner
chemical creativity in the loneliness of a prison cell.
Don’t keep trying to go outside yourself searching for something that’s
fun. It’s not out there anywhere. It’s inside. The opportunity for fun is in
your own energy system—your synergy of heart and mind. That’s where
you’ll find it.
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Pro football Hall of Famer Fran Tarkenton recommends looking at any
task you do as fun.
“If it’s not fun,” he says, “you’re not doing it right.”
People who get high on marijuana often find they can laugh at anything.
The problem with them is that they think this kind of “fun” is inherent in
the marijuana. It’s not. The capacity for fun was already there inside of
them. The marijuana just artificially opened them up to it. But the
physical and psychological price paid for such a drugged opening is not
worth the high. (I wish I didn’t know this first hand, but I do.) The price
drug users pay is this: Their self-esteem suffers because they didn’t
create the fun they had—they thought the drugs did it for them. So they
keep shrinking, the more they use, into greater paranoia and
self-disgust. Soon they’re using the drug just to feel normal.
William Burroughs, a former drug addict and author of Naked Lunch,
discovered something that was very interesting and bitterly amusing to
him after finally recovering from his addictions.
“There isn’t any feeling you can get on drugs,” he said “that you can’t
get without drugs.”
Make a commitment to yourself to find the natural highs you need to
stay motivated. Start by finding out what it does to your mood and
energy to laugh, to sing, to dance, to walk, to run, to hug someone, or to
get something done.
Then support your experiments by telling yourself that you’re not
interested in doing anything that isn’t fun. If you can’t immediately see
the fun in something, find a way to create it. Once you have made a
task fun, you have solved the problem of self-motivation.
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20. Leave high school forever
Most of us feel like we’ve been left stranded in high school forever.
Like something happened there that we’ve never shaken off.
Before high school, in our earlier and more carefree childhoods, we
were creative dreamers filled with a boundless sense of energy and
wonder.
But in high school something got turned around. For the first time in our
lives, we began fearing what other people were thinking of us. All of a
sudden our mission in life became not to be embarrassed. We were
afraid to look bad, and so we made it a point not to take risks.
I’ll never forget something that happened to my friend, Richard
Schwarze, in high school. (He is now a respected photographer, and I
won’t need to ask his permission to tell this story about him.) Richard
and I were walking home from school one day and all of a sudden he
stopped in his tracks, his face frozen with horror. I looked at him and
asked what was wrong. I thought he was about to suffer some kind of
seizure. He then pointed down at his pants and wordlessly showed me
where his belt had missed a loop!
“I spent the whole day like this!” he finally said. It was impossible for
him to measure what everybody thought of him as they passed him in
the halls, perhaps seeing the belt had missed a loop. The damage to his
reputation was probably beyond repair.
That was high school.
Today when I give my seminars on motivation, I love the periods when
I take questions from the audience. But many times I can see the
painfully adolescent looks of self-consciousness on people’s faces when
they ponder the risk of asking a question in front of the group.
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This habit of worrying more about what others think of our thoughts
than we do about our own thinking usually begins in high school, but it
can last a lifetime.
It is time to be aware of what we’re doing and, once again, leave high
school. It’s time to reach back to those pre-high-school days of innocent
creativity and social fearlessness, and draw on that former self.
By the way, I finally came up with a way to deal with the moments of
silence that fill a seminar room when I ask for questions. I go to the
board and make five circles. Then I tell the audience that I used to say
in my classes, “If there are no questions at this point, we’ll take a
break.” People always want to take a break, so there wasn’t much
incentive for asking questions. But questions are the most fun part of a
seminar for me, so I came up with this game: After five questions—we
take a break. Now I find people in the audience urging people around
them to join in asking questions so we can take our break sooner.
Although it’s an amusing artificial way to jump-start the dialogue I’m
looking for, what it really does is take the pressure off. It takes the
participants out of high school.
Most people don’t realize how easily they can create the social
fearlessness they want to have. Instead, they live like they are still
teenagers, reacting to the imagined judgments of other people. They end
up designing their lives based on what other people might be thinking
about them. A life designed by a teenager! Would you want one?
But you can leave that mind-set behind. You can motivate yourself by
yourself, without depending on the opinions of others. All it takes is a
simple question. As Emerson asked, “Why should the way I feel depend
on the thoughts in someone else’s head?”
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21. Learn to lose your cool
You can create a self that doesn’t care that much about what people
think. You can motivate yourself by leaving the painful
self-consciousness of high school behind.
Because our tendency is to go so far in the timid, non-assertive
direction, it might be a profitable over-correction to adopt these internal
commands: Look bad. Take a risk. Lose face. Be yourself. Share
yourself with someone. Open up. Be vulnerable. Be human. Leave your
comfort zone. Get honest. Experience the fear. Do it anyway.
“Show me a guy who’s afraid to look bad,” said actor Rene Auberjonois,
“and I’ll show you a guy you can beat every time.”
The first time that I ever spoke to author and psychotherapist Devers
Branden it was over the telephone, and she agreed to work with me on
building my own self-confidence and personal growth. It wasn’t long
into the phone conversation before she asked me about my voice.
“I am very interested in your voice,” she said, with a tone of curiosity.
Hoping she might be ready to give me a compliment I asked her to
explain.
“Well,” she said. “It’s so lifeless. A real monotone. I wonder why that
is.”
Embarrassed, I had no explanation. This conversation took place long
before I had become a professional speaker, and it was also long before
I ever took any acting lessons. It was long before I learned to sing in my
car, too. Yet I was completely unaware and very surprised that it
seemed to her that I was coming across with a voice like someone out of
Night of the Living Dead.
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The truth was that during that period in my life, I was living scared.
Things weren’t going well for me financially, I had serious health
problems in my family, and I had that mildly suicidal feeling that
accompanies an increasing sense of powerlessness over one’s problems.
(I now think one way a lot of men hide their fears is by assuming a
macho kind of dull indifference. I know now that’s what I had done.
That a psychotherapist could hear it immediately in my voice was
unnerving, though.)
Trying to understand why I covered fear with indifference, I
remembered that back in my high school the “cool” guys were always
the least enthusiastic guys. They spoke in monotones, emulating their
heroes James Dean and Marlon Brando. Brando was the coolest of all.
He was so indifferent and unenthusiastic you couldn’t even understand
him when he spoke.
One of the first homework assignments Devers Branden gave me was to
rent the video Gone with the Wind and study how fearlessly Clark
Gable revealed his female side. This sounded weird to me. Gable a
female? I knew Gable was always considered a true “man’s man” in all
those old movies, so I couldn’t understand what Devers was talking
about, or how it would help me.
But when I watched the movie, it became strangely clear. Clark Gable
allowed himself such a huge emotional range of expression, that I could
actually identify scenes where he was revealing a distinctly female side
to his character’s personality. Did it make him less manly? No.
Curiously, it made him more real, and more compelling.
From that time on, I lost my desire to hide myself behind an indifferent
monotonous person. I committed myself to get on the road to creating a
self that included
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a wider range of expression, without a nervous preoccupation with
coming off like a man’s man.
I also started noticing how much we seem to love vulnerability in others
but don’t trust it in ourselves.
But we can learn to trust it!
Just a little at first. Then we can build that vulnerability until we’re not
afraid to open up into an ever-widening spectrum of self-revelation. By
losing face, we connect to the real excitement of life. And what if I
don’t always come off as an indifferent man’s man? Frankly, my dear, I
don’t give a damn.
22. Kill your television
My brother used to own a T-shirt store and one of the most popular
shirts for sale said, “Kill Your Television.” I bought that T-shirt with the
picture of a TV being blown up. It still makes people nervous to look at
it when I wear it today.
You can actually change your life by turning off your television. Maybe
just one evening a week, to start with. What would happen if you
stopped trying to find life in other people’s shows and let your own life
become the show you got hooked on?
Cutting down on television is sometimes terrifying to the electronically
addicted, but don’t be afraid. You can detox slowly. If you’re watching
too much television and you know it, you might find it useful to ask this
one question: “Which side of the glass do I want to live on?”
When you are watching television you are watching other people do
what they love doing for a living. Those people are on the smart side of
the glass, because they are having fun, and you are passively watching
them have fun. They are getting money, and you are not.
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There’s nothing wrong with occasionally watching other people do what
they love doing. But the average household now does this for seven
hours a day! Are they living on the side of the glass that will advance
their lives? (Big advertisers hope not.)
Here’s a good test for you to determine if television motivates you more
than books do: Try to remember what you watched on television a
month ago. Think hard. What effect are those shows having on the
inspired side of your brain? Now think about the book that you read a
month ago. Or even the e-zine you read last week. Which made a more
valuable and lasting impression? Which form of entertainment better
leads you in the direction of self-motivation?
Today the growing fascination with going online is an improvement over
television, especially if you interact. Communicating inside thoughtful
chat rooms and sending and receiving e-mail both grow the brain.
Television does the opposite.
Groucho Marx once said he found television very educational. “Every
time someone turns it on,” he said, “I go in the other room to read a
book.”
23. Break out of your soul cage
Our society encourages us to seek comfort. Most products and services
advertised day and night are designed to make us more comfortable and
less challenged.
And yet, only challenge causes growth. Only challenge will test our
skills and make us better. Only challenge and the self-motivation to
engage the challenge will transform us. Every challenge we face is an
opportunity to create a more skillful self.
So it is up to you to constantly look for challenges to motivate yourself
with. And it’s up to you to notice when
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you’re buried alive in a comfort zone. It’s up to you to notice when you
are spending your life, in the image of the poet William Olsen, like a
flower “living under the wind.”
Use your comfort zones to rest in, not to live in. Use them consciously
to relax and restore your energy as you mentally prepare for your next
challenge. But if you use comfort zones to live in forever, they become
what rock singer Sting calls your “soul cages.” Break free. Fly away.
Experience what the philosopher Fichte meant when he said, “Being
free is nothing. Becoming free is heavenly.”
24. Run your own plays
Design your own life’s game plan. Let the game respond to you rather
than the other way around. Be like Bill Walsh, the former head coach of
the San Francisco 49ers. Everybody thought he was a kind of eccentric
because of how extensively he planned his plays in advance of each
game. Most coaches would wait to see how the game unfolded, then
respond with plays that reacted to the other team. Not Bill Walsh.
Walsh would pace the sidelines with a big sheet of plays that his team
was going to run, no matter what. He wanted the other team to respond
to him.
Walsh won a lot of Super Bowls with his unorthodox proactive
approach. But all he did was to act on the crucial difference between
creating and reacting.
You can create your own plans in advance so that your life will respond
to you. If you can hold the thought that at all times your life is either a
creation or a reaction, you can continually remind yourself to be
creating
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and planning. “Creation” and “reaction” have the same letters in them,
exactly; they are anagrams. (Perhaps that’s why people slip so easily out
of one and into the other.)
Many of us can spend whole days reacting without being aware of it.
We wake up reacting to news on the clock radio. Then we react to
feelings in our body. Then we start reacting to our spouses or our
children. Soon we get in the car and react to traffic, honking the horn
and using sign language. Then, at work, we see an e-mail on our
computer screen and react to that. We react to stupid customers and
insensitive bosses who are intruding on our day. During a break, we
react to a waitress at lunch.
This habit of reacting can go on all day, every day. We become goalies
in the hockey game of life, with pucks flying at us incessantly.
It’s time to play another position. It’s time to fly across the ice with the
puck on our own stick ready to shoot at another goal.
Robert Fritz, who has written some of the most profound and useful
books on the differences between creating and reacting, says, “When
your life itself becomes the subject matter of the creative process, a
very different experience of life opens to you—one in which you are
involved with life at its very essence.”
Plan your day the way Bill Walsh planned his football games. See the
tasks ahead as plays you’re going to run. You’ll feel involved in your life
at its very essence, because you’ll be encouraging the world to respond
to you. If you don’t choose to do that, the life you get won’t be an
accident. As an old Jewish folk saying puts it, “A person who does not
make a choice makes a choice.”
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25. Find your inner Einstein
The next time you see a picture of Albert Einstein, realize that that’s
actually you. See Albert Einstein and say, “there I am.”
Every human has the capacity for some form of genius. You don’t have
to be good with math or physics to experience genius level in your
thinking. To experience Einstein’s creative level of thinking, all you
have to do is habitually use your imagination.
This is a difficult recommendation for adults to follow, though, because
adults have become accustomed to using their imaginations for only one
thing: worrying. Adults visualize worst-case scenarios all day long. All
their energy for visualization is channeled into colorful pictures of what
they dread.
What they don’t comprehend is that worry is a misuse of the
imagination. The human imagination was designed for better things.
People who use their imaginations to create with often achieve things
that worriers never dream of achieving, even if the worriers possess
much higher IQs. People who habitually access their imaginations are
often hailed by their colleagues as “geniuses”—as if “genius” was a
genetic characteristic. They would be better understood as people who
are practiced at accessing their genius.
Recognition of the power of this genius in all of us prompted Napoleon
to say, “Imagination rules the world.”
As a child, you instinctively used your imagination as it was intended.
You daydreamed and made stuff up. You were a daydream believer by
day and in your right brain at night you sailed down a river of dreams.
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If you go back into that state of self-confidence and dream again, you’ll
be pleasantly surprised at how many innovative and immediate solutions
you come up with to your problems.
Einstein used to say, “Imagination is more important than knowledge.”
When I first heard he’d said that, I didn’t know what he meant. I always
thought additional knowledge was the answer to every difficult problem.
I thought if I could just learn a few more important things, then I’d be
okay. What I didn’t realize was that the very thing I needed to learn was
not knowledge, but skill. What I needed to learn was the skill of
proactively using my imagination.
And once I’d learned that skill, the first task was to begin imagining the
vision of who I wanted to be. Songwriter Fred Knipe once wrote a song
about this. It was for the soundtrack of a video produced for teenagers
about how to visualize themselves succeeding at what they wanted to
do:
“That’s you / in your wildest dreams / doing the wildest things / no one
else can do. If you / just love and keep those dreams / the wildest
dreams / you’ll make yourself come true.”
To make ourselves come true we need to develop the strength to dream.
Dreaming, in its proactive sense, is strong work. It’s the design stage of
creating the future. It takes confidence and it takes courage. But the
greatest thing about active dreaming is not in the eventual reaching of
the goal—the greatest thing is what it does to the dreamer.
Forget the literal attainment of your dream for now. Focus on just going
for it. By simply going for the dream, you make yourself come true.
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26. Run toward your fear
The world’s best-kept secret is that on the other side of your fear there
is something safe and beneficial waiting for you. If you pass through
even a thin curtain of fear you will increase the confidence you have in
your ability to create your life.
General George Patton said, “Fear kills more people than death.” Death
kills us but once, and we usually don’t even know it. But fear kills us
over and over again, subtly at times and brutally at others. But if we
keep trying to avoid our fears, they will chase us down like persistent
dogs. The worst thing we can do is close our eyes and pretend they don’t
exist.
“Fear and pain,” says psychologist Nathaniel Branden, “should be
treated as signals not to close our eyes but to open them wider.” By
closing our eyes we end up in the darkest of comfort zones—buried
alive.
Janis Joplin’s biography, which chronicled her death from alcohol and
drug abuse, was aptly titled Buried Alive. To Janis, as to so many
similarly troubled people, alcohol provided an artificial and tragically
temporary antidote to fear. It is no accident that in the old frontier days
the nickname for whiskey was “false courage.”
There was a time in my life, not too many years ago, when my greatest
fear of all was public speaking. It didn’t even help that fear of speaking
in front of people was people’s number one fear, even greater than the
fear of death. This fact once caused comedian Jerry Seinfeld to point
out that most people would rather be in the coffin than delivering the
eulogy.
For me, it ran even deeper than that. As a child I could not give oral
book reports. I’d plead with my teachers to let me off the hook. I would
offer to do two, even
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three written book reports if I didn’t have to do the oral one.
Yet as my life went on, I wanted to be a public speaker more than
anything. My dream was to teach people everywhere to learn the ideas
that lead to self-motivation, the ideas that I had learned. But how could
I ever do this if stage fright left me frozen with fear?
Then one day as I was driving in Phoenix flipping through the radio
stations looking for good music, I accidentally happened upon a
religious station where a histrionic preacher was yelling, “Run toward
your fear! Run right at it!” I hastened to change the station, but it was
too late. Deep down I knew that I had just heard something I needed to
hear. No matter what station I turned to, all I could hear was that
madman’s words: “Run toward your fear!”
The next day I still couldn’t get it out of my mind, so I called a friend of
mine who was an actress. I asked her to help me get into an acting class
she had once told me about. I told her I thought I was ready to
overcome my fear of performing in front of people.
Although I lived in a high state of anxiety the first weeks of that class,
there was no other way around my fear. There was no real way to run
from it any longer, because the more I ran, the more pervasive it got. I
knew I had to turn around and run toward the fear or I would never
pass through it.
Emerson once said, “The greater part of courage is having done it
before,” and that soon became true of my speaking in public. Fear of
doing it can only be cured by doing it. And soon my confidence was
built by doing it again and again.
The rush we get after running through the waterfall of fear is the most
energizing feeling in the world. If
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you are ever in an undermotivated mood, find something you fear and
do it—and watch what happens.
27. Create the way you relate
We can’t create our truest selves without creating relationships in the
process. Relationships are everywhere. Relationships are everything.
“There is no end to relationship,” said the Indian spiritual leader
Krishnamurti. “There may be the end of a particular relationship, but
relationship can never end. To be is to be related.”
I have trained many corporations with a four-part seminar series. The
first three parts are on self-motivation, and the final part is on
relationship building. Sometimes CEOs ask me up front, ahead of the
training, if I don’t have that ratio out of balance.
“Shouldn’t you have more of it be on relationship building?” they ask.
“After all, team-building and customer relations are surely more
important than self-motivation.”
I stand by my ratio. We can’t relate to others if our relationship with
ourselves is poor. A commitment to personal motivation comes first.
Because who wants to have a relationship with someone who is not
motivated in any way?
When we do get to the fourth part, relationship building, the focus is on
creativity. Creativity is the most neglected and yet most useful aspect of
relationship building.
In relationships most of us think with our emotions rather than our
minds. But to think with our feelings instead of our minds puts us in the
unresourceful state that Colin Wilson describes as being upside-down.
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When we view relationships as opportunities for creativity, they always
get better. When our relationships get better, we are even more
motivated.
My youngest daughter, Margie, was in fourth grade when a very shy girl
in her class accidentally put a large black mark on her own nose with an
indelible marker. Many of the kids in the class pointed at her and started
to laugh. The little girl was finally reduced to tears of embarrassment.
At some point Margie walked over to the girl to give her some comfort.
(Margie’s astonished teacher related this story to me.) Impulsively,
Margie picked up the marker and marked her own nose, and then
handed the marker to another classmate and said, “I like my nose this
way. What about you?”
In a few moments the entire class had black marks on their noses, and
the shy girl who was once crying was laughing. At recess, Margie’s class
all went out on the playground with marked noses, and they were the
envy of the school—obviously into something unusual and “cool.”
This story is interesting to me because of how Margie used her
creativity and her mind instead of her emotions to solve a problem. She
elevated herself up into her mind, where something clever could be
done. If she had used her feelings to think with, she might have
expressed anger at the class for laughing at the girl, or sadness and
depression.
Any time you take a relationship problem up into the mind, you have
unlimited opportunities to get creative. Conversely, when you send a
relationship problem down the elevator into the lower half of the heart,
you risk staying stuck in the problem forever.
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This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t feel anything. Feel everything!
Notice your feelings. Just don’t think with them. When there’s a
relationship problem to be solved, travel up your ladder to the most
creative you. You’ll soon realize that we create the relationships we
have in our lives; they don’t just happen.
“We are each of us angels with only one wing,” said the Italian artist
Luciano de Crescenzo, “and we can only fly embracing each other.”
28. Try interactive listening
The principle of using interactivity as a creativity-builder is not
restricted to computer games or chat rooms. Once we become fully
conscious of this principle, we can find ways to become more
interactive everywhere. We can even make conversations with our
family and friends more interactive than they once were.
We all have certain business associates or family members that we think
of as we do television sets. As they speak to us, we have a feeling that
we already know what they’re going to say. This lowers our own
consciousness level, and a form of mental laziness sets in.
Whereas in the past we might have just passively suffered through other
people’s monologues, we can now begin introducing more interactivity.
In the past we might have punctuated our sleepy listening with
meaningless words and phrases, such as “exactly” and “there you go,”
but we weren’t truly listening. But that passive approach shortchanges
ourselves and the people we are listening to.
“When we are listened to,” wrote Brenda Ueland, “it creates us, makes
us unfold and expand. Ideas actually begin to grow within us and come
to life.”
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The more thoughtful our questions get to be, the more interactive the
conversations. Look for opportunities for interactivity to motivate
yourself to higher levels of experience.
29. Embrace your willpower
I can’t tell you how many people have told me that they have no
willpower. Do you think the same thing? If you think you have no
willpower, you are undermining your own success. Everyone has
willpower. To be reading this sentence, you must have willpower.
The first step in developing your willpower, therefore, is to accept its
existence. You have willpower just as surely as you have life.
If someone were to put a large barbell weight on the floor in front of
you and ask you to lift it and you knew you could not, you would not
say “I have no strength.” You’d say, “I’m not strong enough.”
Not strong “enough” is more truthful language, because it implies that
you could be strong enough if you worked at it. It also implies that you
do have strength.
It is the same with willpower. Of course you have willpower. When you
accept that little piece of chocolate cake, it is not because you have no
willpower. It is only because you choose not to exercise it in that
instance.
The first step toward building willpower is to celebrate the fact that
you’ve got it. You’ve got willpower, just like that muscle in your arm. It
might not be a very strong muscle, but you do have that muscle.
The second step is to know that your willpower, like a muscle in your
arm, is yours to develop. You are in charge of making it strong or letting
it atrophy. It is not
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grown by random external circumstances. Willpower is a deliberate
volitional process.
When I left college to join the army, one of the reasons I decided to sign
up was because I thought it might help teach me to develop my
self-discipline. But somehow I had not been aware of the “self” in
self-discipline. I wanted discipline to be given to me by someone else. I
found out in boot camp that others do not give willpower and
self-discipline. The drill sergeant might have been persuasive and
inspiring (or at times terrifying), but he couldn’t make me do anything
until I decided to do it. Nothing happened until I generated the will to
make it happen.
Make a promise to yourself to be clear and truthful about your own
willpower. It is always there.
30. Perform your little rituals
See yourself as a shaman or medicine man who needs to dance and sing
to get the healing started.
Make up a ritual that is yours and yours alone—a ritual that will be your
own shortcut to self-motivation.
As you read through these various ways to motivate yourself, you might
have noticed that action is often the key. Doing something is what leads
to doing something. It’s a law of the universe: An object in motion stays
in motion.
The great basketball player Jack Twyman used to begin each practice
session by getting to the court early and taking 200 shots at the basket.
It always had to be 200 shots, which he counted out, and it didn’t matter
if he already felt tuned up after 20 or 30 shots. He had to shoot 200. It
was his ritual, and it always got him into a state of self-motivation for
the rest of the practice session or game.
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My friend Fred Knipe, now an Emmy award-winning television writer
and comedian, does something he calls “driving for ideas.” When he has
a major creative project to accomplish, he gets in his car and drives
around the desert near Tucson until ideas begin to come to him. His
theory is that the act of driving gives the anxious, logical left side of his
brain something to do so the right side of his brain can be freed up to
suggest ideas. It’s like giving your child some toys to play with so you
can read the evening e-mail on your computer.
In his book about songwriting, Write from the Heart, John Stewart
writes about composer and arranger Glenn Gould, who had a ritual for
finding a new melody or musical idea when he seemed to be stuck and
nothing was coming. He’d turn on two or three radios at the same time,
all to different stations. He’d sit and compose his own music while
listening to music on the three radios. This would short-circuit his
conscious mind and free up the creative subconscious. It would
overload the left side of his brain so the right could open up and create
without judgment.
My own ritual for jump-starting self-motivation is walking. Many times
in my life I have had a problem that seemed too overwhelming to do
anything about, and my ritual is to take the problem out for a long, long
walk. Sometimes I won’t come back for hours. But time and again
during the course of my walks something comes out of nowhere—some
idea for an action that will quickly solve the problem.
One of the reasons I think this ritual works for me is that a ritual is
action. Starting a ritual is taking an action that leads toward finding the
solution. The dancing medicine man is already doing something.
Make up little rituals for yourself that will act as self-starters. They will
have you in action before you
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“feel like” getting into action. Rituals always override your built-in
hesitation so that you can get yourself motivated in a predictable,
controllable way.
If you are not a writer or painter or poet, you might be thinking right
now that this does not apply to you. But that’s what I would call the
creative fallacy. In fact, your entire life is yours to create. There are no
“creative” professions that stand apart from others, like an exclusive
club.
Martin Luther King Jr. used to say, “Be an artist at whatever you do.
Even if you are a street sweeper, be the Michelangelo of street
sweepers!”
31. Find a place to come from
Most people think they’ll feel good once they reach some goal. They
think happiness is out there somewhere, perhaps not even too far away,
but out there all the same.
The problem with putting off feeling good about yourself until you hit a
certain goal is that it may never happen. And you know all the time
you’re striving for it that it may never happen. So, by linking your
happiness to something you don’t have yet, you’re denying your power
to create happiness for yourself.
A lot of people use personal unhappiness as a tool, as proof of their own
sincerity and compassion. Yet, as Barry Kaufman points out eloquently
in To Love Is to Be Happy With, being unhappy is not necessary. You
can be happy and also be sincere. You can be happy and also be
compassionate. In fact, loving someone while you are unhappy does not
show up like love at all.
“Love,” says the great American spiritual teacher, Emmet Fox, “acts the
part.”
Songwriter Fred Knipe talked to me recently about how we human
beings have learned to use and abuse
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unhappiness—he said he had made a list for me of the secret reasons
why people think they should feel bad.
“If I feel bad, then that proves I am a good person,” he said. “Or, if I
feel bad, I am responsible. If I feel bad, I’m not hurting anybody. If I
feel bad, it means that I care. Maybe if I feel bad, it proves I’m being
realistic and aware. If I feel bad, it means I’m working on something.”
That list gives us powerful motivation to be unhappy. But as Werner
Erhard (personal transformation pioneer) has always taught in his
well-known est seminars, happiness is a place to come from, not to try
to go to.
I once saw Larry King interviewing Werner Erhard by satellite from
Russia, where Erhard was living and working. Erhard had mentioned
that he might be moving back to the United States soon, and Larry King
asked him if coming home would make him happy.
Erhard paused uncomfortably, because in his view of life nothing makes
us happy. He finally said, “Larry, I am already happy. That wouldn’t
make me happy, because I come from happiness to whatever I do.”
Your happiness is your birthright. It shouldn’t depend on your achieving
something. Start by claiming it and using it to make your self-motivation
fun all the way and not just fun at the end.
32. Be your own disciple
So, why do I claim we have no willpower? Is it a misguided desire to
protect myself? Is there a secret payoff in saying I have no willpower?
Maybe if I absolutely deny the existence of willpower, I am no longer
responsible for developing it. It’s out of my life! What a relief!
But, here’s the final tragedy: The development and use of willpower is
the most direct access to happiness
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and motivation that I’ll ever have. In short, by denying its existence, I’m
shutting my spirit down.
Many people think of willpower and self-discipline as something akin to
self-punishment. By giving it that negative connotation, they never get
enthused about developing it. But author William Bennett gives us a
different way to think of it. Self-discipline, he notes in The Book of
Virtues, comes from the word “disciple.” When you are self-disciplined,
you have simply decided—in matters of the will—to become your own
disciple.
Once you make that decision, your life’s adventure gets more
interesting. You start to see yourself as a stronger person. You gain
self-respect.
American philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson used to talk about the
Sandwich Island warriors who believed that when they killed an enemy
tribesman, the courage of that dead enemy passed into the warrior’s
living body. Emerson said that the same thing happens to us when we
say no to a temptation. The power of that dead temptation passes into
us. It strengthens our will.
When we resist a small temptation, we take on a small power. When we
resist a huge temptation, we take on huge power.
William James recommended that we do at least two things every day
that we don’t want to do—for the very reason that we don’t want to do
them—just to keep will-power alive. By doing this, we maintain our
awareness of our own will.
33. Turn into a word processor
If you associate the word “willpower” with negative things, such as
harsh self-denial and punishment, you will
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weaken your resolve to build it. To increase your resolve, it’s often
useful to think of new word associations.
To weight lifters, failure is success. Unless they lift a weight to the
point of “failure,” their muscles aren’t growing. So they have
programmed themselves, through repetition, to use the word “failure” in
a positive sense.
They also call what we would call “pain” something positive: “the
burn.” Getting to “the burn” is the goal! You’ll hear bodybuilders call
out to each other: “Roast ’em!” By consciously using motivated
language, they acquire access to inner power through the use of the
human will.
Zen philosopher and scholar Alan Watts also used to hate the word
“discipline” because it had so many negative connotations. Yet he knew
that the key to enjoying any activity was in the discipline. So he would
substitute the word “skill” for “discipline” and when he did that he was
able to develop his own self-discipline.
Language leads to power, so be conscious of the creative potential of
the language you use, and guide it in the direction of more personal
power.
34. Program your biocomputer
If you’re a regular consumer of the major news programs, you belong to
a very persuasive and hypnotic cult. You need to be de-“programmed.”
Start by altering how you listen to electronic radio gossip, the news, and
shock and schlock TV shows. Program out all the negative, cynical, and
skeptical thoughts that you now allow to flow into your mind unchecked
when you hear the news.
“Headless Woman Found in Topless Bar!”
That was an actual headline in a daily New York City newspaper. I used
to work for a city newspaper,
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and I remember how hard the editors in the newsroom would search for
the most shocking stories they could find.
The news is not the news. It is the bad news. It is deliberate shock. The
more you accept it as the news, the more you believe that “that’s the
way it is,” and the more fearful and cynical you will become.
If we realized exactly how much vulgar, pessimistic, and manipulative
negativity was deliberately packed into every daily newspaper and most
television shows and Hollywood movies, we would resist the temptation
to flood our brains with their garbage. Most of us are more particular
about what we put in our automobile’s gas tank than we are about what
we put in our own brain every night. We passively feed ourselves with
stories about serial killers and violent crime without any conscious
awareness of the choice we’re making.
How do we change it? By worrying about it? No. Rather than fretting
about crime and apathy and whatever you wish would change in the
world, it’s often very motivational to heed the words of Gandhi, who
said, “You must be the change you wish to see.”
San Francisco writer and musician Gary Lachman wrote a captivating
essay called “World Rejection and Criminal Romantics” in which he
observed, “It’s the Ted Bundys that get television coverage, not the
thousands of self-actualizers who work away at self-transformation
quietly and anonymously. And it’s their influence, not that of the Ted
Bundys, that will shape the face of the coming century.”
Often we don’t have an opportunity to skip the media reports of crime
and scandal, so it’s important that we listen in a way that always
programs out the effect. We are pretty good at doing this when we pass
the
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tabloids in the grocery store checkout line. We smile at them even
before reading that aliens are living in the White House. We need to
take that same attitude toward what passes as “serious” media.
Once you’ve gotten good at factoring out the negative aspects of the
media today, take it a step further: Make your own news. Be your own
breaking story. Don’t look to the media to tell you what’s happening in
your life. Be what’s happening.
35. Open your present
Practice being awake in the present moment. Make the most of your
awareness of this hour. Don’t live in the past (unless you want guilt) or
worry about the future (unless you want fear), but stay focused on
today (in case you want happiness).
“Until you can put your attention where you want it,” said Emmet Fox,
“you have not become master of yourself. You will never be happy until
you can determine what you are going to think about for the next hour.”
There is a time for dreaming, planning, and creative goal setting. But
once you are complete with that, learn to live in the here and now. See
your whole life as being contained in this very hour. Let the microcosm
become the macrocosm. Live the words of the poet William Blake and
his description of enlightenment:
“To see a world in a grain of sand
and heaven in a wild flower
hold infinity in the palm of your hand
and eternity in an hour.”
Sir Walter Scott said he would trade whole years filled with mindless
conformity for “one hour of life
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crowded to the full with glorious action, and filled with noble risks.”
It’s amazing what can be done by people who learn to relax, pay
attention, and focus, appreciating the present hour and all the
opportunity it contains.
It is said that in America we try to cultivate an appreciation of art, while
the Japanese cultivate the art of appreciation. You, too, can cultivate
the art of appreciation. Appreciate this hour. This hour, right now, is
pure opportunity.
The great French philosopher Voltaire was on his deathbed when
someone asked him, “If you had 24 more hours to live, how would you
live them?” Voltaire said, “One at a time.”
36. Be a good detective
In your professional life, whatever it is, always be curious. When you
meet with someone, think of yourself as a bumbling but friendly private
detective. Ask questions. Then ask follow-up questions. And then let
the answers make you even more curious. Let the answers suggest even
more questions. This will motivate you to higher levels of consciousness
and interest.
When you prepare a meeting with someone, prepare your questions.
Cultivate your curiosity. Don’t ever be at a loss for questions to ask.
Most of us do the opposite. We prepare our answers. We rehearse what
we are going to say. We polish our presentation, and strengthen it, not
realizing that our host would much rather talk than listen to us.
If you are in business, you know that when prospective customers
contract for long-term services, they want a company that’s truly
interested in them, that understands them, that will be a good consultant
to them. To
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show a prospect that you are genuinely interested, you must be the
person who asks the most thoughtful questions. To convince a company
that you understand it, you will ask the best follow-up questions—based
on its answers. To convince a company that you will be a good
consultant to them over the course of the contract, you will have
out-learned your competitors by the inventiveness and quantity of your
questions. Your curiosity will get you the business. But you can’t just
rely on impulsive, on-the-spot questioning. Being prepared is the secret.
Preparing your questions is even more important than preparing the
presentation of your services.
Indiana’s former basketball coach Bobby Knight always said, “The will
to win is not as important as the will to prepare to win.” This is not only
useful in business. If you are about to have an important conversation
with your spouse or teenager, it is very useful to prepare your curiosity
rather than your presentation.
When you prepare your curiosity, you always seem to have one more
question to ask before you leave, just like Lt. Columbo from the old TV
show now showing in reruns on cable. As the character played by Peter
Falk, Columbo disarmed his subjects by asking so many seemingly
impromptu questions. Like a disorganized but innocently charming
child, he would ask about the tiniest things. As he prepared to leave, he
always paused at the door, as if absent-mindedly remembering
something he forgot to ask. “Excuse me sir,” he would say,
apologetically. “Would it inconvenience you if I asked you one more
question?”
Great relationship-builders ultimately learn that the sale most often goes
to the most interested party and the quantity and quality of your
questions will measure your level of interest. You might be thinking that
this
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doesn’t apply so much to you because you’re not in business, or you
don’t sell for a living. But heed the words of Robert Louis Stevenson:
“Everybody lives by selling something.”
In Follow the Yellow Brick Road, Richard Saul Wurman writes about
physicist Isidor Isaac Rabi, who won a Nobel Prize for inventing a
technique that permitted scientists to probe the structure of atoms and
molecules in the 1930s. Rabi attributed his success in physics to the way
his mother used to greet him when he came home from school each day:
“Did you ask any good questions today, Isaac?”
By asking questions in your relationships, you are already creating the
relationship, and you are already self-motivated. You don’t have to wait
for the other person to make it happen.
37. Make a relation-shift
Motivate yourself by giving someone else the ideas necessary for
self-motivation. You can have any experience you want in life simply
by giving that experience away to someone else. John Lennon called it
“instant karma.”
In most of our relationships we stay focused on ourselves. We’re
fascinated by how we’re “coming off.” We’re constantly monitoring
what others must now be thinking of us. We live as if mirrors surround
us.
Norman Vincent Peale used to observe that shy people were the
greatest egomaniacs on earth, because they were so focused on
themselves. You can see that when you observe the body language of a
shy person. The looking down and turning in. The curling-up with
self-consciousness—as if surrounded by mirrors.
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When we shift our focus to the other person in the relationship,
something paradoxically powerful happens. By forgetting ourselves we
start to grow. I have developed an entire seminar around this one shift.
It is called “Relation-Shift.”
Spencer Johnson, author of The One-Minute Sales Person, calls it “the
wonderful paradox: I have more fun, and enjoy more financial success,
when I stop trying to get what I want and start helping other people get
what they want.”
If you want to be motivated, shift your inspiration to someone else.
Point out the strengths of the other individual to him or her. Offer
encouragement and support. Offer guidance in his or her own
self-motivation. Watch what it does for you.
38. Learn to come from behind
Progress toward your goals is never going to be a straight line. It will
always be a bumpy line. You’ll go up and then come down a little. Two
steps forward and one step back.
There’s a good rhythm in that. It is like a dance. There’s no rhythm in a
straight line upward.
However, people get discouraged when they slide a step back after two
steps forward. They think they are failing, and that they’ve lost it. But
they have not. They’re simply in step with the natural rhythm of
progress. Once you understand this rhythm, you can work with it
instead of against it. You can plan the step back.
In The Power of Optimism, Alan Loy McGinnis identifies the
characteristics of tough-minded optimists, and one of the most
important is that optimists always plan for renewal. They know in
advance that they are going
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to run out of energy. “In physics,” says McGinnis, “the law of entropy
says that all systems, left unattended, will run down. Unless new energy
is pumped in, the organism will disintegrate.”
Pessimists don’t want to plan for renewal, because they don’t think there
should have to be any. Pessimists are all-or-nothing thinkers. They’re
always offended when the world is not perfect. They think taking a step
backward means something negative about the whole project. “If this
were a good marriage, we wouldn’t have to rekindle the romance,” a
pessimist would say, dismissing the idea of taking a second honeymoon.
But an optimist knows that there will be ups and downs. And an
optimist isn’t scared or discouraged by the downs. In fact, an optimist
plans for the downs, and prepares creative ways to deal with them.
You can schedule your own comebacks. You can look ahead on your
calendar and block out time to refresh and renew and recover. Even if
you feel very “up” right now, it’s smart to plan for renewal. Schedule
your own comeback while you’re on top. Build in big periods of time to
get away—even to get away from what you love.
If you catch yourself thinking that you are too old to do something you
want to do, recognize that you are now listening to the pessimistic voice
inside of you.
It is not the voice of truth.
You can talk back. You can remind the voice of all the people in life
who have started their lives over again at any age they wanted to. John
Housman, the Emmy award-winning actor in The Paper Chase, started
acting professionally when he was in his 70s.
I had a friend named Art Hill, who spent most of his life in advertising.
In his heart, however, he always wanted to be a writer. So in his late
50s, he wrote two books that got published by a small publishing house
in
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Michigan. Then, when he was 60 years old, Hill had his first national
release with I Don’t Care if I Never Come Back, a book about baseball
published by Simon and Schuster. The book was a popular and critical
success, and his dedication page is something I treasure above any
possession I own:
“To Steve Chandler—who cared about writing, cared about me, and one
day said, ‘You should write a book about baseball.’ ”
Nobody cares how old you are but you. People only care about what
you can do, and you can do anything you want, at any age.
Dr. Monte Buchsbaum of the Mount Sinai School of Medicine in New
York has been one of many scientists conducting research into the
effects of aging on the brain. He is finding that it isn’t aging that causes
a brain to become less sharp, it’s simply lack of use.
“The good news is that there isn’t much difference between a
25-year-old brain and a 75-year-old brain,” said Buchsbaum, who used
his positron emission tomography laboratory to scan the brains of more
than 50 normal volunteers who ranged in age from 20 to 87.
The memory loss and mental passivity that we used to believe was
caused by aging has now been proven to be caused by simple lack of
use. The brain is like the muscle in your arm: When you use it, it gets
strong and quick. When you don’t, it grows weak and slow.
Research at the UCLA Brain Research Institute shows that the circuitry
of the brain—the dendrites that branch between cells—grows with
mental activity.
“Anything that’s intellectually challenging,” said Arnold Scheibel, head
of the Institute, “can probably serve as a kind of stimulus for dendritic
growth, which means it adds to the computational reserves in the brain.”
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Translation: You can make yourself smarter.
“Whoever told you that you cannot increase your intelligence?” asks
Dr. Robert Jarvik, inventor of the artificial heart. “Whoever taught you
not to try? They didn’t know. Flex your mind. Develop it. Use it. It will
enrich you and bring you the love of life that thrives on truth and
understanding.”
Research shows that mathematicians live longer than people in any
other profession do, and we never used to know why. Now, in further
studies done at UCLA, there has been a direct connection established
between dendrite growth and longevity. Mental activity keeps you alive.
Lose your mental challenges, and life itself fades away.
Don’t listen to the voice inside that talks about your age, or your IQ, or
your life history, or anything it can slow you down with. Don’t be
seduced. You can start a highly motivated life right now by increasing
the challenges you give your brain.
39. Come to your own rescue
After a seminar I gave in Vancouver, Canada, Don Beach, the sales
manager of Benndorf Verster, one of that city’s top businesses, sent me
a tape of a song that he wanted me to hear.
He said it reminded him of what I had been teaching his team about
self-esteem. The song was a live performance by the old folk-singing
duo, Sonny Terry and Brownie McGee. The song is called “Love, Truth
and Confidence.” It’s about how we foolishly chase after love and try to
discover the ultimate truth, while ignoring something much more vital to
our happiness: confidence.
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The chorus of the song goes like this: “Love and truth / you can find /
any place, anywhere, any time / but you can just say ‘so long’ / once
confidence is gone / nothing matters anymore.”
I never knew the true power of self-confidence until I began working
with Dr. Nathaniel Branden and his wife Devers Branden. Both are
authors and psychotherapists with the Branden Institute for
Self-Esteem, and they have provided me with the most powerful
insights I’ve ever received into how I operate as a human being.
Dr. Branden’s book, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, is unlike any other
psychology book on the market, because in addition to its eloquently
written philosophy on how to build inner strength, it also contains a full
year’s worth of practical, powerful, user-friendly exercises to raise your
own consciousness and self-esteem. His sentence-completion exercises
are so effective and exciting that if you do them, I can say without a
trace of exaggeration, you can get tens of thousands of dollars worth of
personal growth therapy for the price of a single book.
Before you assume that Branden’s notion of self-esteem is the same as
that being bandied about by New-Age educators, you must read his
work and listen to his tapes. Most people today think others can bestow
self-esteem on us. Such misguided thinking leads to phenomena such as
classes without grades and work without standards for excellence.
Perhaps you have heard about that Little League group in Pennsylvania
that wanted to eliminate keeping score from baseball games because of
the damage that losing does to children’s self-esteem.
When we confuse pampering and coddling with instilling self-esteem,
we really encourage the upbringing of young, sensitive children who
have no inner strength
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whatsoever. When it comes time for such overpraised, underachieving
kids to find success in the competitive global marketplace, they will be
confused, fearful, and ineffective.
The concepts taught by Nathaniel and Devers Branden are intellectually
ruthless and unsentimental. Some of the best ideas go all the way back
to Branden’s years working with the great novelist and objectivist
philosopher Ayn Rand.
The Brandens have taught me how to objectively explore the
weaknesses in my own thinking and to challenge the self-deception that
was undermining my effectiveness in life.
“To trust one’s mind and to know that one is worthy of happiness is the
essence of self-esteem,” writes Dr. Branden. “The value of self-esteem
lies not merely in the fact that it allows us to feel better, but that it
allows us to live better—to respond to challenges and opportunities
more resourcefully and appropriately.”
The two ideas contained in the Brandens’ work that have most helped
me are: 1) “You can’t leave a place you’ve never been”; and 2) “No one
is coming.”
I used to believe that I could run from all my frightening thoughts and
beliefs about myself. But all that ever did was create deeper internal
fears and conflicts. What I really needed was to get all my fears into the
sunshine and demystify them. Once I systematically began to do that, I
was able to dismantle those fears, as a bomb squad dismantles a bomb.
Acceptance and full consciousness of those fears—and the
self-sabotaging behavior they led to—was “the place I had never been.”
Once I was in that place, I could leave.
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The notion that “no one is coming” was somehow terrifying to accept.
The idea that no one was going to rescue me from my circumstances is
an idea that I might never have accepted. That idea sounded too much
like the final abandonment. It contradicted all my childhood
self-programming. (Many of us, even as grown-ups, devise very
elaborate and subtle variations on the “I want my mommy” theme.) The
Brandens showed me that I could be much happier and more effective if
I valued independence and self-responsibility above dependency on
someone else.
When you accept the idea that “no one is coming” it is actually a very
powerful moment, because it means that you are enough. No one needs
to come. You can handle your problems yourself. You are, in a larger
sense, appropriate to life. You can grow and get strong and generate
your own happiness.
And paradoxically, from that position of independence, truly great
relationships can be built, because they aren’t based on dependency and
fear. They are based on mutual independence and love.
Once, in a group therapy session, a client of Dr. Branden’s challenged
him on his principle that “no one is coming.” “But Nathaniel,” the client
said, “it’s not true. You came!”
“Correct,” admitted Dr. Branden, “but I came to say that no one is
coming.”
40. Find your soul purpose
How do you know what your true life is? Or what your soul’s purpose
is? How do you know how to live this purpose? The answers to these
questions are yours for the taking, but you must seize the answers and
not wait to be given them. No one will give you the answers.
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One good clue as to whether you are living your true life is how much
you fear death. Do you fear death a lot, just a little, or not at all?
“When you say you fear death,” wrote David Viscott, “you are really
saying that you fear you have not lived your true life. This fear cloaks
the world in silent suffering.”
When mythologist Joseph Campbell recommended that we “follow our
bliss,” many people misunderstood him. They thought he meant to
become a pleasure-seeker, a selfish hedonist from the “me generation.”
Instead, he meant that in order to find out what your true life could be,
you should look for clues in whatever makes you happy.
What gets you excited? In the answer to that question, you’ll discover
where you can be of most service. You can’t live your true life if you’re
not serving people, and you can’t serve people very well if you are not
excited about what you’re doing.
What makes you happy? (I know I already asked, but the fear that
“cloaks the world in silent suffering” comes from not asking that
question enough times.)
In my own professional life I have finally found that teaching makes me
happy, writing makes me happy, and performing makes me happy. It
took me many years of unhappiness to finally reach the point of despair
necessary to ask the question: What makes me happy?
I was the creative director for an ad agency and I was making a good
deal of money producing commercials, meeting with clients, and
designing marketing strategies. I could have done this type of work
forever, but my horrible fear of death was my clue that I was not living
my true life.
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“People living deeply,” wrote Anaïs Nin, “have no fear of death.” I was
not living deeply. And it took me a long time to get clear answers to my
question: What makes me happy? But any question we ask ourselves
often enough will eventually yield the right answer. The problem is, we
quit asking.
Fortunately for me, in this rare instance of persistence in the face of
extreme discomfort, I didn’t quit asking. The answer came to me in the
form of a memory—so colorful it was almost like a movie scene. I was
driving at night in my car 10 years earlier, and I was as happy as I had
ever been. In fact, I was driving around aimlessly so that I could keep
my feeling of happiness preserved and contained within that car—I
didn’t want anything to interrupt it. It was so profound that it lasted for
hours.
The occasion had been a speech I had just given. The subject of it was
my recovery from an addiction, and the night that I spoke I was running
such a high fever, and I had such a fear of speaking in public that I tried
to call the talk off. My hosts wouldn’t hear of it.
Somehow I made it to the podium and, probably because my fever and
flu were so intense, I spoke freely, without caution or
self-consciousness. The more I spoke about freedom from addiction, the
more excited I got. My creativity just soared. I remember the audience
laughing as I spoke. I remember them jumping to their feet and cheering
when I was finished. It was the most remarkable night of my life.
Somehow I had reached people in a way I’d never reached people
before, and their own expressions of joy lifted me higher than I had ever
been.
It was that memory of that moonlit night, driving in my car, that came
back to me 10 years later after I’d
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spent weeks repeating to myself the question, “What makes me happy?”
Now I had the picture, but I had no idea how to act on it. But at least I
knew what my true life was, and I knew that I wasn’t living it.
Then one day one of my major advertising clients asked me to hire a
motivational speaker for a big breakfast meeting they were having for
their sales staff. I didn’t know of anyone in Arizona who was any
good—the only motivational speakers I was familiar with were the
national ones whose tapes I’d listened to so often in my car, people such
as Wayne Dyer, Tom Peters, Anthony Robbins, Alan Watts, and
Nathaniel Branden. But Alan Watts was dead—and the rest were
probably far too expensive for our little breakfast.
So I called Kirk Nelson, a friend of mine who was sales manager at
KTAR in Phoenix, and asked his advice. “The only person in Arizona
worth hiring is Dennis Deaton,” he said. “He speaks all over the
country, and he’s usually booked, but if you can get him, do, because
he’s great.”
I finally reached Deaton in Utah, where he was giving seminars on time
management. He agreed to come back to Phoenix in time for our
breakfast and give a 45-minute motivational talk.
Kirk Nelson was right. Deaton was impressive. He held the audience
spellbound as he told stories that illustrated his ideas about the power
that people have over their thoughts, and the mastery that they can
achieve over their thinking. When he finished speaking and came back
to the table where we had been sitting, I shook his hand and thanked
him, and I found myself making a silent vow that someday soon I would
be working with this man.
It wasn’t long after that that he and I were indeed working together. It
was at a company called Quma
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Learning, Deaton’s corporate training facility based in Phoenix,
Arizona. Although I began with Quma as its marketing director
—creating advertisements, video scripts, and direct-mail pieces—I soon
worked my way up to the position of seminar presenter.
My first big thrill came when Deaton and I were both invited to speak at
a national convention of carpet-cleaning companies. It was the first time
I had ever shared the stage with him, and I was to go on first. He was in
the audience when I spoke, and I have to admit I had worked harder
than I’d ever worked in my life in preparation for this event.
The participants had heard Deaton before at previous conventions and
loved him, but they’d never heard me. After my presentation was over,
they clapped enthusiastically and as Deaton passed me on his way to
the stage he was beaming with pride as he shook my hand. (Unlike
myself, Dennis Deaton has very little professional jealousy of other
speakers. He was happy for my success. I have to admit that my
favorite moment occurred when, after he was introduced, someone in
the audience teasingly shouted out, “Dennis who?”)
Many people get confused and believe that living their true life means
getting lucky and finding a suitable job with an appreciative boss
somewhere. What I have come to realize is that you can live your true
life anywhere, in any job, with any boss.
First find out what makes you happy, and then start doing it. If writing
makes you happy, and you’re not writing for a living, start up a
company newsletter or your own Web site. When I first realized that
speaking and teaching made me happy, I started a free weekly
workshop. I didn’t wait until something was offered to me.
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Whatever goal you want to reach, you can reach it 10 times faster if
you are happy. In my sales training and consulting, I notice that happy
salespeople sell at least twice as much as unhappy salespeople. Most
people think that the successful salespeople are happy because they are
selling more and making more money. Not true. They are selling more
and making more money because they are happy.
As J.D. Salinger’s character Seymour says in Fanny and Zooey, “This
happiness is strong stuff!” Happiness is the strongest stuff in the world.
It is more energizing than a cup of hot espresso on a cold morning. It is
more mind-expanding than a dose of acid. It is more intoxicating than a
glass of champagne under the stars.
If you refuse to cultivate happiness in yourself, you will not be of
extraordinary service to others, and you will not have the energy to
create who you want to be. There is no goal better than this one: to
know as you lie on your deathbed that you lived your true life because
you did what made you happy.
41. Get up on the right side
Since I was a child, I’ve always been intrigued with the idea that you
could have a great day just by getting up on the right side of the bed.
Later in life, during my years as a largely unsuccessful songwriter, one
of the few successes I had was with a country rock song that I co-wrote
with Fred Knipe and Duncan Stitt. It was called “The Right Side of the
Wrong Bed.”
Today my fascination is not so much with the right side of the bed as it
is with the right side of the head—or to be more precise, the right side
of the brain.
In the 1930s, brain surgeons discovered the different functions of the
two halves of the brain while working
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with epileptics. In 1950, Roger W. Sperry of the University of Chicago
(and later of Cal Tech) made the greatest breakthroughs in discovering
that dreams, energy, and creative insight come from the right side of the
brain, while linear, logical, short-term, and shortsighted thinking come
from the left.
The best explanation of how “whole-brain” thinking surpasses left-brain
thinking or right-brain thinking is in a book written by British
philosopher Colin Wilson called Frankenstein’s Castle. Wilson reveals
that we have more control over drawing vital energy and creative ideas
from the “right brain” than we ever realized. And what stimulates the
right brain the most is a high sense of purpose.
If you had to carry a heavy sack of sand across town, your left brain
might get upset and tell you that you were doing something boring and
tedious. However, if your child were injured badly and she weighed the
same as the huge bag of sand, you’d carry her the same distance to the
hospital with a surprising surge of vital energy (sent from the right
brain). That’s what purpose does to the brain. Self-motivation gets more
and more exciting as the left brain gets better and better at telling the
right brain what to do.
42. Let your whole brain play
Suicide rates go down during times of war because many people begin
to feel useful and challenged enough times during the day. This
encourages them to us both sides of the brain harmonically. In less
eventful times, people tend to slip into using just one side of the brain
and get trapped into feeling useless.
Most people unconsciously wait for an external crisis, such as a
threatened bankruptcy or an attack on the
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street or the burning down of their home or an unwanted divorce, or a
war, to kick in their whole-brain thinking.
But that passive misuse of the brain leads to a life of reaction rather
than creation. When Oliver Wendell Holmes said “most people go to
their graves with their music still in them,” he just as easily could have
said that most people live in their left brain only. When Thoreau said
“most men lead lives of quiet desperation,” he was describing what life
is like if you stay trapped in left, linear, short-sighted thinking.
But the irony is that the left brain has gotten an unfairly negative
reputation, simply because people stay trapped there. When people
learn that the left brain is there to connect with the right, then it takes
on new power and function. When people stay trapped in linear, flat,
and logical left-brain thinking and never activate the creative right side
of the brain, they lose their love of life. The right brain comes alive
during dreaming at night while the left brain sleeps. But it is possible (as
artists, poets, and saints can attest) to have the same two-sided interplay
that we had as children, while we are awake. We simply have to fire it
up by using the left brain to call on the right. This is what happens when
we make love, play games, write poetry, hold a baby, or face a
threatening crisis: The left brain commands the right brain to come alive
and get involved. That is when you get whole brain thinking, or what
psychologist Abraham Maslow called “peak” experiences.
The three best ways to activate whole-brain thinking are through 1)
goal-visualization, 2) joyful work, and 3) revitalizing play. Rather than
wait for external crises to appear, create internal challenge games of
your own—goals and purposes—that lead you in growth toward the
motivated person you want to become.
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The real excitement in studies of the power of the right brain lies in its
suggestion of a neurological basis for personal transformation. It’s not
just motivational puff or secular evangelism to say that we possess
unlimited creative energy, and we can use it to create the lives we want.
“In fact,” writes Colin Wilson, “we can learn to live on a far, far higher
level of power. And that is what the left brain was intended for. Its
farsightedness gives it the ability to summon power. Yet it hardly makes
use of this ability. It could be compared to a man who possesses a magic
machine that will create gold coins so that he could, if he wanted, pay
off the national debt and abolish poverty. But he is so lazy and stupid
that he never bothers to make more than a couple of coins every
day—just enough to see him through until the evening…or perhaps he is
not lazy: only afraid of emptying the machine. If so, the fear is
unnecessary. It is magical, and cannot be emptied.”
Most people regard their right brain with a sense of wonder. They think
inspiring thoughts “came to them” out of the blue. “Last night I had the
strangest dream!” they will say, not knowing how much control they
really have over that magical machine.
43. Get your stars out
Terry Hill is a writer who has lived all over the world and has been a
friend of mine since we met each other in the sixth grade in
Birmingham, Michigan. His short story, “Cafes Are for Handicapping,”
features an intriguing character named Joe Warner who liked to tell
stories about horse racing.
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Joe Warner told the story of being in the press box at Belmont when
Secretariat put away the Triple Crown by 31 lengths.
“And I looked beside me when he was coming down the stretch at all
these hardened, cigar-chomping New York newspapermen and they all
had tears running down their cheeks like little babies. ‘Course I couldn’t
see too clear myself for the tears in my eyes. I was 23 at the time. And
it was the first Triple Crown in my lifetime. Imagine that.”
That story brought me even closer to a question I’ve been asking all my
life. Why do we cry when we see huge accomplishments? Why do we
cry at weddings? Why do I cry when the blind girl jumps with her horse
in the movie Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken? Or when the Titans win the
game in Denzel Washington’s Remember the Titans? Why did those
sportswriters cry to see that horse win by 31 lengths?
This is my theory: We weep for the winner inside of all of us. In these
poignant moments, we cry because we know for a fact that there is
something in us that could be every bit as great as what we are
watching. We are, for that moment, the untapped greatness we are
seeing. But we get tears in our eyes, because we know the greatness
isn’t being realized. We could have been like that, but we aren’t.
Terry Hill also gives public talks on creativity. His own work in
advertising and public relations throughout the years has won countless
awards and, as one might expect, he presents some learned and
sophisticated formulae for “creating.” But he finishes all his talks by
saying it is really a simple thing to be creative—all you do is “get your
stars out.” That’s how you tap into the untapped you.
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His reference is to Seymour: An Introduction by J.D. Salinger. Seymour
is writing a letter to his brother Buddy, who has chosen to become a
professional writer. Seymour tells his brother that writing has always
been more than a profession, that it has been more like Buddy’s religion.
He says that Buddy will be asked two very profound questions when he
dies about the writing he was doing: 1) “Were most of your stars out?”;
and 2) “Were you busy writing your heart out?”
Terry Hill’s advice to his audiences on the subject of creativity is to
make sure you “get your stars out.” This is another way of saying let the
stars that are in you shine freely. Don’t force them out. Just let them
shine.
Although Hill’s audiences are usually advertising people and writers, his
recommendations apply to all of us. Our lives are ours to create. Do we
want to create them in a lackluster way or do we want to be inspiring?
When we write our plans and dreams, we need to write our hearts out.
In shooting for the stars, it’s time to get a bit wild. Wild hearts can’t be
broken.
44. Just make everything up
Sometimes in my seminars I will ask the people in the audience to raise
their hands if they think of themselves as “creative.” I’ve never had
more than a fourth of the audience raise their hands.
I then ask the people how many of them were able to make things up
when they were younger—make up names for their dolls, make up a
game to play, make up a story for their parents when the truth looked
less promising.
All hands go up.
So, what’s the difference? You made stuff up as a child, but you’re not a
creative adult? The difference is
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that we have charged the word “creative” with meaning something truly
extraordinary. Picasso was creative. Meryl Streep is creative. Wyclef
Jean is creative. But me?
So one of the ways to get started creating goals and action plans is to
just “make them up,” like you did as a kid. Think of creating in simpler
terms. Think of it as something all humans do very easily. French
psychologist Emile Coue said, “Always think of what you have to do as
easy and it will be.”
45. Put on your game face
I used to hate to study for tests in high school. Nothing could have been
more boring. But one day Terry Hill and I decided to make a game of it.
We decided to challenge each other by making up mock tests for each
other. The only rules were that we had to ask 30 questions, and the
answers had to appear in the text that we were going to be tested on in
the classroom the next day.
Because we were both competitive and loved games, we worked very
hard to come up with the most ridiculously difficult questions we could
devise. “What was Magellan’s middle name?” “How many of Custer’s
children were daughters?” “What is the 23rd word in the Gettysburg
Address?” We also tried to anticipate the other’s toughest questions and
learn the obscure answers.
On the morning of the real test we presented each other with our own
tests, always twice as hard as the real test. As we each took each other’s
test there was much happy yelling and laughter. But by the time we
took the real test in school, we were more than ready. In fact, we often
looked across the classroom at each other during the real test and rolled
our eyes with disdain at the simplicity and stupidity of the real exam.
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By changing our study into a challenging game, we had taken the
“work” out of the task and replaced it with play. Did we work as hard?
Harder! But by transforming work into play, we increased our energy
and our sense of creativity.
Most people who play a lot of golf or tennis work much harder at their
games than they do at work. All people work harder at play than they
do at work, because there’s no resistance. Golfers are working harder on
the golf course than they are at their professions. They don’t always
know this (although their spouses usually do) because it doesn’t feel like
work—it feels like fun. They bring more energy, innovation, and zest to
what they’re doing out on the course because it’s a game. They also
bring an ongoing commitment to increasing their skills. Everyone is
interested in getting better at the games they play.
As for the effect of games on energy, consider a bunch of guys playing
poker all night. Because poker is a game, people can play it all night
until the sun comes up. When they finally come home to sleep, you
might be tempted to ask them, “How did you manage to stay up all
night? Were you drinking coffee and cokes?” No, they confess, they
were drinking beer. “But shouldn’t beer slow you down and make you
tired?” Not if you are playing a game! In fact, you’ll also learn that they
were probably smoking cigars and eating junk snacks as well. Not
generally known as stimulants. What was stimulating was the game. The
joy of competition.
Playwright Noel Coward once said, “Work is more fun than fun.” I
included that quote in a seminar guidebook for a sales group a year ago
and one of the participants in the back of the room raised his hand and
said, “Yeah, Steve, who is this Noel Coward guy? I figure with
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a quote like that he’s either a porn star or a professional golfer.”
That line got a great laugh at my expense, but it also revealed a truth
(which almost all humor does). People believe that the fun jobs are
always somewhere else. “If only I could get a job like that!” “If only I
had been a pro golfer.” But the truth is that fulfilling and fun work can
be found in anything. The more we consciously introduce game-playing
elements (personal bests listed, goals, time limits, competition with self
or others, record-keeping, etc.) the more fun the activity becomes.
I recently worked on a project with a young man in Phoenix who was
selling three times as much office equipment as the average salesperson
on his team. He said he didn’t understand his co-workers who got
depressed easily, took rejection hard, and struggled with putting their
deals together.
“I don’t take this that seriously,” he smiled. “I love all my sales
challenges. The tougher the prospect is, the more fun I have selling.
There is absolutely nothing personal or depressing in any of this for me.
When I meet a new sales prospect, it’s a chess game.”
Whatever it is you have to do, whether it’s a major project at work, or a
huge cleaning job at home, turning it into a game will always bring you
higher levels of energy and motivation.
46. Discover active relaxation
There is a huge difference between active relaxation and passive
relaxation. When we play video games, play computer games, play
cards, work in the garden, walk the dog, go into a chat room, or play
chess, we are interacting with the unexpected, and our minds are
responding. All
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of these activities increase personal creativity and intellectual
motivation. They are all active pursuits.
Active relaxation refreshes and restores the mind. It keeps it flexible
and toned for thinking. Great thinkers have known this secret for a long
time. Winston Churchill used to paint to relax. Albert Einstein played
the violin. They could relax one part of the brain while stimulating
another. When they returned to workday pursuits they were fresher and
sharper than ever.
Most of us try to deaden the mind in order to relax. We rent mindless
videos, read pulp fiction, drink, smoke, and eat until we’re foggy and
bloated. The problem with this form of relaxation is that it dulls our
spirit and makes it hard to come back to consciousness.
I accidentally discovered the restorative powers of video and computer
games when I played some with my then-9-year-old son Bobby. What
began as a way to make him happy and spend time with him became a
brain-challenging pursuit. The complexity of computer football,
basketball, and hockey games now rivals chess and The New York
Times Sunday crossword puzzle. It requires stimulating recreational
thinking.
“Thinking is the hardest work we do,” said Henry Ford, “which is why
so few people ever do it.” But when we find ways to link thinking to
recreation, our lives get richer. We become players in the game of life
and not just spectators.
47. Make today a masterpiece
Most of us think our lives accumulate. We think they are adding up to
something. We think of our lives as being strung together like a long
smoky train, so that we can add new freight cars when we’re feeling
right,
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and dump the others on a siding somewhere when we’re not.
But when basketball legend John Wooden’s father said to him, “Make
each day your masterpiece,” Wooden knew something profound: Life is
now. Life is not later on. And the more we hypnotize ourselves into
thinking we have all the time in the world to do what we want to do, the
more we sleepwalk past life’s finest opportunities. Self-motivation flows
from the importance we attach to today.
John Wooden was the most successful college basketball coach of all
time. His UCLA teams won 10 national championships in a 12-year
time span. Wooden created a major portion of his coaching and living
philosophy from one thought—a single sentence passed on to him by his
father when Wooden was a little boy— “Make each day your
masterpiece.”
While other coaches would try to gear their players toward important
games in the future, Wooden always focused on today. His practice
sessions at UCLA were every bit as important as any championship
game. In his philosophy, there was no reason not to make today the
proudest day of your life. There was no reason not to play as hard in
practice as you do in a game. He wanted every player to go to bed each
night thinking, “Today I was at my best.”
Most of us, however, don’t want it to be this way. If someone asks us if
today can be used as a model to judge our entire life by, we would
shriek, “On no! It isn’t one of my better days. Give me a year or two and
I’ll live a day, I’m certain of it, that you can use to represent my life.”
The key to personal transformation is in your willingness to do very tiny
things—but to do them today.
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Transformation is not an all-or-nothing game, it’s a work in progress. A
little touch here and a small touch there is what makes your day (and,
therefore, your life) great. Today is a microcosm of your entire life. It is
your whole life in miniature. You were “born” when you woke up, and
you’ll “die” when you go to sleep. It was designed this way, so that you
could live your whole life in a day.
48. Enjoy all your problems
Every solution has a problem.
You can’t have one without the other. So why do we say that we hate
problems? Why do we claim to want a hassle-free existence? When
someone is emotionally sick, why do we say, “He’s got problems”?
Deep down, where our wisdom lives, we know that problems are good
for us. When my daughter’s teacher talks to me during open house and
tells me that my daughter is going to be “working more problems” in
math than she worked last year, I think that’s wonderful. Why do I think
it’s wonderful when my daughter gets more problems to solve, if I think
problems are a problem?
Because somehow we know that problems are good for our children. By
solving problems, our kids will become more self-sufficient. They’ll trust
their own minds more. They’ll see themselves as problem-solvers.
Because we ourselves are so superstitious about our own problems, we
tend to run from them rather than solve them. We have demonized
problems to such a degree that they are like monsters that live under the
bed. And by not solving them during the day, we tremble over them at
night.
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When people took their problems to the legendary insurance giant W.
Clement Stone, he used to shout out, “You’ve got a problem? That’s
great!” It’s a wonder he wasn’t shot by someone, given our culture’s
deep superstition about problems.
But problems are not to be feared. Problems are not curses. Problems
are simply tough games for the athletes of the mind and true athletes
always long to get a game going.
In The Road Less Traveled, one of M. Scott Peck’s central themes is
that “problems call forth our wisdom and our courage.”
One of the best ways to approach a problem is in a spirit of play, the
same way you approach a chess game or a challenge to play one-on-one
playground basketball. One of my favorite ways to play with a problem,
especially one that seems hopeless, is to ask myself, “what is a funny
way to solve this problem? What would be a hilarious solution?” That
question never fails to open up fresh new avenues of thought.
“Every problem in your life,” said Richard Bach, author of Illusions,
“carries a gift inside it.” He is right. But we have to be thinking that way
first, or the gift will never appear.
In his groundbreaking studies of natural healing, Dr. Andrew Weil
suggests that we even regard illness as a gift. “Because illness can be
such a powerful stimulus to change,” he writes in Spontaneous Healing,
“perhaps it is the only thing that can force some people to resolve their
deepest conflicts. Successful patients often come to regard it as the
greatest opportunity they ever had for personal growth and
development—truly a gift. Seeing illness as a misfortune, especially one
that is undeserved, may obstruct the healing system. Coming to
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see the illness as a gift that allows you to grow may unlock it.”
If you see your problems as curses, the motivation you’re looking for in
life will be hard to find. If you learn to love the opportunities your
problems present, then your motivational energy will rise.
49. Remind your mind
Perhaps you have noted an idea in this book, or another recent book
that you’ve read, that you want to hold on to. It might be an idea that
you knew, the moment you saw it, would always be useful to you. You
might even have underlined it for future reference.
But what if the book goes on the shelf, or gets loaned to a friend, and is
forevermore out of sight and out of mind? This is a very common
experience, and there is a remedy: Start treating self-motivational ideas
as if they were songs.
You can find ways to rewind these ideas so they’ll play again and again
until you can’t get them out of your head. That’s how belief systems are
restructured to suit our goals. Place the thought you want to remember
into the jingle track in your brain so that it can’t get out.
You can create a new self by learning the beliefs you want to live
by—one thought at a time. Learn these thoughts as you would the lyrics
for a song you had to perform on stage. A friend of mine used to learn
his parts in musicals by placing index cards with song lyrics all over his
office, home, and bathroom mirror. He sometimes had them on the
dashboard of his car. Why? He was making a conscious visual effort to
reach the backside of his own mind.
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The trick is to keep this motivation going. To deliberately feed your
spirit with the optimistic ideas you want to live by. Any time a thought,
sentence, or paragraph inspires you or opens up your thinking, you need
to capture it, like a butterfly in a net, and later release it into your own
field of consciousness.
For me, discovering an exciting idea in a book or magazine is like a true
peak experience. It makes the world bright and incomprehensible. I get
that tingle in my spine. I get that “Oh, yes!” feeling. Why am I this
lucky? And the more I deliberately fill my mind with the words and
phrases that originally stirred the peak experience, the easier it is to
remember that life is good.
“This,” writes Colin Wilson in New Pathways in Psychology, “is why
people who have a peak experience can go on repeating them: because
it is simply a matter of reminding yourself of something you have
already seen and which you know to be real. In this sense, it is like any
other ‘recognition’ that suddenly dawns on you—for example, the
recognition of the greatness of some composer or artist whom you had
formerly found difficult or incomprehensible, or the recognition of how
to solve a certain problem. Once such a recognition ‘dawns’ it is easy to
reestablish contact with it, because it is there like some possession,
waiting for you to return to it.”
During my talks on self-motivation, one of the questions I’m asked most
often is “How do I keep this going?” People say, “I love what I’ve
learned today, but I’ve often gone to seminars that got me motivated
and then a few days later I was back to my old pessimistic self, doing
exactly what I used to do.”
If I were in the mood to be blunt, I would answer the question this way:
Why, if you love what you’ve learned
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about self-motivation, would you ask me how to keep it going in your
life? The person in this room best equipped to answer your question is
you. So I’ll ask you, “How will you keep this going in your life?” I bet
you could give me 10 ways you could do it. And I bet that if this were a
foreign language you had to learn you would set aside a certain amount
of time each day to review it, to read it out loud, and to make certain
you learned it. I bet you’d buy tapes or CDs for your car and even
arrange small study groups. So the real question is this: Is mastering the
art of motivation as important as learning another language?
Even a single phrase, placed prominently in a home or office, can have
a huge impact on your life. In Arnold Schwarzenegger’s childhood home
in a poor town in Austria, his father framed and hung the simple words,
“Joy Through Strength.” It’s not hard to see what effect that idea had on
Arnold’s life.
Once while I was attending a Werner Erhard seminar, I had some free
time during a break so I wrote myself a letter. I put down all the ideas I
wanted to remember from the seminar and I sealed them in an envelope.
I took it home and a month later I mailed it to myself. When I opened it
at work and read it, it was like a fresh experience all over again.
I was so impressed by how effective this was for me that I employed the
idea in one of my own seminars. I had everyone in the audience write
out the important insights they’d received and what they intended to do
differently in their lives from this moment on. When the people were
finished, I asked them to seal the letters into the envelopes I’d provided
and address the envelopes to themselves. I told them I would hold them
for a month and then mail them all.
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The reports I got back were remarkable. Some people said seeing those
thoughts written to themselves in their own handwriting brought the
whole seminar back to them. They felt a rush of excitement and a new
commitment to take action.
Are you willing to remind yourself to treat yourself to your own best
thoughts? Are you willing to set visual traps and ambushes, so you’ll
always see words and thoughts you know you want to remember?
50. Get down and get small
The fewer goals you set each day, the more you feel “pushed around”
by people and events that are beyond your control.
You suffer from a sense of powerlessness. Rather than creating the
reality you want, you are only reacting to the world around you. You
have much more control over the activities of your day than you realize.
By increasing your conscious use of small objectives, you will see the
larger objectives coming into reality.
Most people participating in the free enterprise system have become
thoroughly convinced of the power of setting large and specific
long-range goals for themselves. Career goals, yearly goals, and monthly
performance goals are always on the mind of a person with ambition.
But often those people overlook altogether the power of small
goals—goals set during the day that give energy to the day and a sense
of achieving a lot of small “wins” along the way.
In his psychological masterpiece, Flow: The Psychology of Optimal
Experience, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi refers to large goals as “outcome”
goals and small goals
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as “process” goals. The beauty of “process” goals is that they are always
within your immediate power to achieve. For example, you might set a
process goal of making four important telephone calls before lunch. On
a sheet of paper you make four boxes, and as you make each call you
fill in a box, and when the four are made, you file the paper in your goal
folder and go enjoy lunch. Because you’ve earned it.
You can set process goals, for example, before a conversation with a
person. I want to find these three things out, I want to ask these four
questions, I want to make these two requests, and I want to pay my
client one compliment before I leave.
Process goals give you total focus. When you are constantly setting
process goals, you are in more control of your day, and you feel a sense
of skillful self-motivation.
At the end of the day, or the beginning of the next day, you can check
your progress toward your “outcome” goals. You can adjust your
process goals to take you closer to the outcomes you want, and always
keep the two in harmony.
Let’s say it’s now the end of a long, hard day. You have a half hour
before you have to go home. If you’re not in the habit of setting process
goals, you might say, “I guess I ought to do some paperwork or make a
call or two before I go home.” You look at the pile of paper on your
desk, or you mindlessly thumb through phone numbers, and all of a
sudden someone comes by your desk to chat. Because you have nothing
specific to do you engage in conversation and, before you know it, the
half hour is gone and you have to go home. Even though you didn’t
leave anything specific unfinished, you still have that vague feeling of
having wasted time.
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Now what happens if you use that half hour to set and achieve a process
goal? “Before I go home tonight I’m going to send out two good letters
of introduction with all my marketing material included.” Now you have
a process goal and only a half hour in which to do it.
When the person comes by your desk to chat, you tell him you’ll have to
talk to him later because you’ve got some things “that have to get out”
by five.
People who get into the swing of setting small goals all day long report a
much higher level of consciousness and energy. It’s as if they are
athletes constantly coaching themselves through an ongoing game. They
are happier people because their day is being created by the power
inside their own minds, and not by the power of the world around them.
51. Advertise to yourself
I often start the day by drawing four circles on a blank piece of paper.
The circles represent my day (today), my month, my year, and my life.
Inside each circle I write down what I want. It can be a dollar figure, it
can be anything, and the goals can change from day to day—it doesn’t
matter. There is no way to get this process “wrong.”
But by writing the goals down, I am like an airline pilot who is
consulting his or her map prior to takeoff. I am orienting my mind to
what I am up to in life. I am reminding myself of what I really want.
We wouldn’t think, before an airline flight, of poking our heads into the
cabin and saying to the pilot, “Just take me anywhere!” Yet that’s how
we live our days when we don’t check the map.
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Sometimes in my seminars on motivation, people observe that they
“don’t have time” for goal setting. But the four-circle system I described
takes only four minutes!
Once during a workshop on goal setting, I asked if anyone in the
audience had any interesting experiences with visualization. We had
been discussing sports psychologist Rob Gilbert’s observation that
“losers visualize the penalties of failure, and winners visualize the
rewards of success.”
A young couple shared a story about how they had wanted for years to
buy their own home but never got the money together to do it. Then one
day, after reading about the practice of “treasure-mapping” (posting
pictures of what you want in life somewhere in your office or home),
they decided to put a picture on their refrigerator of a new house, the
kind they dreamed of owning.
“In less than nine months, we’d made the down payment and moved in,”
said the amazed husband. His wife added, “Alongside the photo of the
house we eventually put a little thermometer that we filled in as our
savings toward a down payment grew.”
I have heard many similar stories about how treasure mapping has
worked for people. I have also read books and attended seminars that
explain why. Most of them discuss what happens to the subconscious
mind when you send it a picture of something you want. Because the
subconscious mind only communicates with vividly imagined or real
pictures, it will not seek to bring into your life anything you can’t
picture.
Without advertising our goals to ourselves, we can lose sight of them
altogether. It is possible to go an entire week, or two or three, without
thinking about our main goals in life. We get caught up in reacting
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and responding to people and circumstances and we simply forget to
think about our own purpose.
I have an example of how this practice worked in my life: Three years
ago I was interested in giving more seminars on the subject of
fund-raising. I had co-authored a book called RelationSHIFT:
Revolutionary Fund-Raising with University of Arizona development
director Michael Bassoff. We had done some successful seminars on the
subject, and I wanted to do more. So, on the wall of my bedroom I put
up a white poster board, and on that board I put up a lot of pictures and
index cards with my goals on them. I wanted to have all those goals in
front of me when I woke up each morning, even though I only spent a
minute or two looking at the board each day.
One of the index cards I had pinned to my goal board simply contained
the bold-markered letters, “ASU.” It was almost lost among the
hodgepodge of photos and goals I’d covered the board with, and I’m
certain I only barely noticed it each morning as I got up. I put it up there
because I thought it would be great if I could give seminars to Arizona
State University, especially now that I was living in the Phoenix area. I
really thought nothing more of it.
One day at the offices of the corporate training company where I
worked, I was asked to shake the hand of a new employee, Jerry. I
asked Jerry to come in and sit down. We talked in my office for a few
minutes about his joining the company. I asked him about his family and
he casually mentioned that his parents were living in town, and that his
mother worked at ASU.
Normally, that would have meant nothing. ASU is a very well-known
and oft-mentioned presence in the Phoenix area. But something went
off in my mind when
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he said that, and I know in hindsight that “something” was my daily
view of my goal board.
My ears perked up when he said “ASU” and I asked him, “What does
your mother do at ASU?” “She’s the chief administrative assistant to the
development director at the ASU Foundation,” he said. “They’re in
charge of all the fund-raising at the University.”
I really brightened at that point, and I told Jerry about my past work in
fund-raising at the University of Arizona in Tucson, and how I’d always
wanted to do similar work at ASU. He said he’d be delighted to
introduce me to his mother and to the development director himself.
Within a month, ASU fund-raisers were attending my seminar in
“RelationSHIFT” and I had realized one of the goals on my board.
I honestly believe that if I had not had a goal board up in my bedroom,
Jerry’s mention of ASU would have gone right past me.
And this illustrates something important. We need to advertise our own
goals to ourselves. Otherwise, our psychic energy is spread too thin
across the spectrum of things that aren’t that important to us.
52. Think outside the box
Once I attended a new business proposal presentation by Bob Koether,
in which he had his prospective customers all play a little nine-dot game
that illustrated to them that the solutions to puzzles are often simple to
see if we think in unconventional ways.
As people laughed and tore up their puzzles in frustration when Koether
showed them the solution, he stood up to make his final point.
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“We restrict our thinking for no good reason,” said Koether. “We do
things simply because that’s the way we always did them. I want you to
know that our commitment in serving your company is to always look
outside the box for the most innovative solutions possible to our
problems. We’ll never do something just because that’s the way we have
always done it”
To many business leaders pitching a lucrative account, this kind of
puzzle-solving exercise would simply be considered a clever
presentation. But to Bob Koether, it was a symbolic expression of his
whole life in business.
Once, on a Xerox-sponsored trip in Cancun, Mexico, Bob and Mike
spent the day out in treacherous waters on a fishing boat. After coming
ashore, they retired to Carlos O’Brien’s restaurant for tequila and beer
and a period of reflection on their lives in sales thus far.
“We knew that as well as we had done, we would never own boats like
the one we were just in if we remained at Xerox,” said Bob. “We talked
about possibilities in the bar, and it wasn’t long before we noticed some
black T-shirts on the wall with the word infinity on them. Then, for
more than two hours, Mike and I discussed just what the word infinity
meant. Out of that discussion, a dream was born, a dream that took
shape in the form of Infinity Communications.”
Bob Koether and his brother believed that there was one vital area in
which Xerox was underperforming—and that was customer service.
What if, they asked, a company’s commitment to the customer was
infinite? Not boxed-in, but unlimited in its possibilities for creative
service?
With that concept as motivation, the two brothers formed “Infincom”
(short for Infinity Communications)
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in the state of Arizona, and within 10 years they grew from six
employees and no customers into a $50 million business with more than
500 employees. And for the past three years straight, the Arizona
Business Gazette has ranked Infincom the number-one office equipment
company in Arizona—ahead of Xerox.
All of us tend to look at our challenges from inside a box. We take what
we’ve done in the past and put it in front of our eyes and then try to
envision what we call “the future.” But that restricts our future. With
that restricted view, the best the future can be is a “new and better
past.”
Great motivational energy occurs when we get out of the box and
assume that the possibilities for creative ideas are infinite. To realize the
best possible future for yourself, don’t look at it through a box
containing your own past.
53. Keep thinking, keep thinking
Motivation comes from thought.
Every act we take is preceded by a thought that inspires that act. And
when we quit thinking, we lose the motivation to act. We eventually slip
into pessimism, and the pessimism leads to even less thinking. And so it
goes. A downward spiral of negativity and passivity, feeding on itself
like cancer.
I like to use this example in my seminars to illustrate the power of
continuing to think: Let’s say a pessimist has made up his mind to clean
his garage on a Saturday morning. He wakes up and walks out to the
garage and opens the door and is shocked to see just how much of a
mess it is. “Forget this!” the pessimist says with disgust. “No one could
clean this garage in one day!”
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And at that point the pessimist slams the garage door shut and goes back
inside to do something else. Pessimists are “all-or-nothing” thinkers.
They think in catastrophic absolutes. They are either going to do
something perfectly or not at all.
Now let’s look at how the optimist would face the same problem. He
wakes up on the same morning and goes to the same garage and sees the
same mess and even utters the same first words to himself, “Forget this!
No one could clean this garage in one day!”
But this is where the key difference between an optimist and a pessimist
shows itself. Instead of going back into the house, the optimist keeps
thinking.
“Okay, so I can’t clean the whole garage,” he says. “What could I do
that would make a difference?”
He looks for awhile, and thinks things over. Finally it occurs to him that
he could break the garage down into four sections and do just one
section today.
“For sure I’ll do one today,” he says, “and even if I only do one section
each Saturday, I’ll have the whole garage in great shape before the
month is over.”
A month later, you see a pessimist with a filthy garage and an optimist
with a clean garage.
There was a woman in one of my seminars in Las Vegas who told me
that this one concept—the optimist’s habit of looking for partial
solutions—had made an interesting difference in her life.
“I used to come home from work and look at my kitchen and just throw
up my hands and curse at it and do nothing at all,” she told me. “I’d
think the exact same thing as the pessimist in your garage story. Then I
decided to just pick a small part of the kitchen and do that, and that area
only. It might be a certain counter, or just the sink. By doing just one
small part each night
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I never resent the work, it’s never overwhelming, and my kitchen
always looks decent.”
Pessimists like to set their problems aside. They think so negatively
about “doing the whole thing perfectly” that they end up doing nothing
at all!
The optimist always does a little something. She or he always takes an
action and always feels like progress is being made.
Because pessimists have a habit of thinking “it’s hopeless” or “nothing
can be done,” they quit thinking too soon. An optimist may have the
same initial negative feelings about a project, but he or she keeps
thinking until smaller possibilities open up. This is why Alan Loy
McGinnis, in his inspiring book The Power of Optimism, refers to
optimists as “tough-minded.”
The pessimist, as far as the use of the human mind goes, is a quitter.
Recent studies show, says McGinnis, that optimists “excel in school,
have better health, make more money, establish long and happy
marriages, stay connected to their children and perhaps even live
longer.”
To witness one of the most profound illustrations of the practical
effectiveness of optimism in American history, you’ll want to rent the
movie, Apollo 13. Although the job of bringing those astronauts back
from the far side of the moon looked daunting and overwhelming, the
job was accomplished one small task at a time. The people at Mission
Control in Houston who saved the astronauts’ lives did so because even
in the face of “impossible” technological breakdowns, they kept on
thinking. They never gave up. They looked for partial solutions, and
they declared that they would string these partial
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solutions together one at a time until they brought the men home safely.
While the astronauts’ lives were still in doubt, there was one glaring
pessimist in Houston ground control who made the comment that he
feared that Apollo 13 might become the “worst space disaster” in
American history. The ground commander in Houston turned to him and
said with optimism and anger, “On the contrary, sir, I see Apollo 13 as
being our finest hour.” And he turned out to be right, which illustrates
the life-or-death effectiveness of optimistic thinking.
Whenever you feel pessimistic or overwhelmed, remember to keep
thinking. The more you think about a situation, the more you will see
small opportunities for action—and the more small actions you take, the
more optimistic energy you will receive. An optimist keeps thinking and
self-motivates. A pessimist quits thinking—and then just quits.
In the Broadway musical South Pacific, the heroine sings apologetically
about being a “cock-eyed optimist.” She admits she’s “immature and
incurably green.” This was an early version of a blonde joke. She
confesses, as the giddy song soars melodically, that she’s “stuck like a
dope on a thing called hope and I can’t get it out of my heart…not this
heart.”
That’s how our society has viewed optimists—they are dopes. Society
thinks optimistic thinking is something that comes from the heart, not
the head.
Pessimists, on the other hand, are “realistic.” In fact, pessimists will
never tell you they are pessimists. In their own minds, they are realists.
And when they run into habitual optimists they sneer at them for always
“blue-skying” everything, and not facing grim reality.
Pessimists continually use their imaginations to visualize worst-case
scenarios, and then concluding that
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those scenarios are lost causes, they take no action. That’s why
pessimism always leads to passivity.
But even lying on his couch, bloated with junk food and foggy from too
much television, the pessimist knows somewhere in his heart that his
“what’s the use?” attitude is not effective. He is living a life that is
reflected in what Nietzsche once said: “Everything in the world
displeased me; but what displeased me most was my displeasure with
everything.”
Optimists have chosen to make a different use of the human
imagination. They agree with Colin Wilson’s point of view that
“imagination should be used, not to escape from reality, but to create
it.”
54. Put on a good debate
Negative thinking is something we all do. The difference between the
person who is primarily optimistic and the person who is primarily
pessimistic is that the optimist learns to become a good debater. Once
you become thoroughly aware of the effectiveness of optimism in your
life, you can learn to debate your pessimistic thoughts.
The most thorough and useful study I’ve ever seen on how to do this is
contained in Dr. Martin Seligman’s classical work, Learned Optimism.
The studies done by Seligman demonstrate two very profound
revelations: 1) optimism is more effective than pessimism; and 2)
optimism can be learned.
Seligman based his findings on years of statistical research. He studied
professional and amateur athletes, insurance salespeople, and even
politicians running for office. His scientific studies proved that optimists
dramatically outperform pessimists. So what Norman Vincent Peale had
been saying for years in his books on
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the power of positive thinking was finally proven to be scientifically
true.
Peale had based his books on testimonials and supportive biblical
passages. The problem with that was that the people he needed to reach
the most—skeptics and pessimists—were precisely the kinds of people
who would not be anxious to take anything on faith. But once you’ve
digested the remarkable writings of Seligman, you can go back and read
Peale with a new sense of excitement. If you don’t accept his religious
references, it doesn’t matter—the personal testimonials are stimulating
enough to give his writing great power. Although his most famous book
is The Power of Positive Thinking, I have derived much more
motivation from Stay Alive All Your Life and The Amazing Results of
Positive Thinking.
If you are now skeptical about your power to debate your own
pessimistic thoughts, keep in mind that most of us are already great
debaters. If somebody comes in and takes one side of an argument, we
can usually take the other side and make a case, no matter which side
the first person took. Debate teams have to learn to do this. Team
members never know until the last second which side of the argument
they will be debating, so they learn to be prepared to passionately argue
either side.
If you catch yourself brooding, worrying, and thinking pessimistically
about an issue, the first step is to recognize your thoughts as being
pessimistic. Not wrong or untrue—just pessimistic. And if you are going
to get the most out of your bio-computer (the brain), you must
acknowledge that pessimistic thoughts are less effective.
Once you’ve accepted the pessimistic nature of your thinking, you are
ready to take the next step. (This first step is crucial though. As
Nathaniel Branden teaches,
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“You can’t leave a place you’ve never been.”) The second step is to
build a case for the optimistic view.
Start to argue against your first line of reasoning. Pretend you’re an
attorney whose job is to prove the pessimist in you wrong. Start off on
building your case for what’s possible. You’ll surprise yourself.
Optimism is by nature expansive—it opens door after door to what’s
possible. Pessimism is just the opposite—it is constrictive. It shuts the
door on possibility. If you really want to open up your life and motivate
yourself to succeed, become an optimistic thinker.
55. Make trouble work for you
One evening, many years ago, my then-14-year-old daughter Stephanie
went for a walk with a friend, promising me she would be back home
before 10 p.m. I didn’t pay much attention to the clock until the 10
o’clock news ended and I realized that she hadn’t come home yet. I
started to get nervous and irritated. I began pacing the house, wondering
what to do. At 11:30 I got in my car and started cruising the
neighborhood looking for her. My thoughts were understandably
anxious, part fear and part anger. Finally, at 11:45, I drove back past my
own house and saw her silhouette in the window. She was home and
safe.
But I kept driving. I realized that I was thinking completely
pessimistically about the entire incident and I needed to keep thinking
before I talked to her. As I drove along I observed all the pessimism I
was wallowing in: “She doesn’t respect me. She can’t keep a promise.
My rules and requests mean nothing. This is the tip of the iceberg. I’m
going to have problems with her for the next four years at least. Who
knows where she went and what she was doing? Were drugs involved?
Sex?
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Crime? I’m losing sleep over this. This is ruining my peace of mind and
my life. Et cetera.”
By recognizing how pessimistic my thoughts were, I was able to let the
thoughts play completely out before taking a deep breath and telling
myself, “Okay. That’s one side of the argument. Now it’s time to explore
the other side.” One of my favorite tricks for flipping my mind over to
the optimistic side is to ask myself the question: “How can I use this?”
How could I use this incident to improve my relationship with my
daughter? How could I make my rules and requests more meaningful to
us both? I began to build my case for optimism. I realized that great
relationships are built by incidents like these. They are not built by
theoretical conversations—but by difficult experiences and what we
learn and gain from them.
So I decided to drive a little while longer and let her wait inside. I was
sure that by now her sister had told her that I was out looking for her, so
she was now the one pacing and anxious. Let her sweat a little, I
thought, while I continue to think things through.
I continued to reflect upon my past relationship with Stephanie. One of
the great aspects of it was Stephanie’s honesty. She had always radiated
a quiet and confident kind of serenity about life, and found it easy to be
honest with her own feelings and honest with other people. Whenever
there had been incidents with other children, teachers, or other parents
involved in some misunderstanding, I could always count on Stephanie
to tell me the truth. Asking her about what happened always saved me a
lot of time.
As I drove the dark neighborhood I also ran through my happiest
memories of Stephanie as a little girl, how much I loved her and how
proud I was of her when I
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went to her concerts or talked to her teachers. I recalled the time in
grade school when I embarrassed her by asking her principal if he would
consider re-naming the school after her. (She had just won an academic
award of some kind and I was intoxicated with pride.)
Finally my mind was completely won over to the optimistic side. “How
can I use this?” gave me the idea that this incident could be made into
something bigger than it seemed—a new commitment to each other to
keep agreements and trust each other.
When I finally got home I could see that she was scared. She tried to
blame the incident on her not having a watch. She wanted me to
appreciate that, somehow, she was a victim of the whole incident. I
listened patiently and then I told her I thought it was a much bigger deal
than that. I talked about my relationship with her and how I had
cherished her truthfulness throughout her childhood. I told her that I
thought we might have lost all of that tonight. That we might have to
figure a way to start over.
“It’s not that big a deal,” she protested. But I told her that I thought it
was a very big deal, because it was all about our relationship and
whether we were going to keep agreements with each other.
I told Stephanie I wanted her to be as happy as she could possibly be,
and the only way I could really help that happen would be if we kept
agreements with each other. I told her how scared I was, how angry I
was, how her staying out had ruled out a good night’s sleep for me. I
asked her to try to understand. I talked about our life together when she
was a little girl, and I reminded her how extraordinarily truthful she was.
I mentioned a few incidents when she got in trouble but how I had gone
right to her for the truth and always got it.
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We talked for a long time that night, and she finally saw that coming
home when she says she’s coming home—indeed, doing what she says
she’s going to do—is a really “big deal.” It’s everything.
Since that incident and conversation, Stephanie has been extremely
sensitive to keeping her word. If she goes out and promises to be back
at a certain time, she takes along a watch or makes certain someone
she’s with has one. The “incident” that night is something neither of us
will forget, because it got us clear on the idea of trust and agreements.
You could even say that it was a good thing.
We have heard of so many incidents where bad events in retrospect
were strokes of great fortune. A person who broke her leg skiing met a
doctor in the hospital, fell in love, married him, and had a happy
relationship for life. Because most of us have experienced a number of
these incidents, we’re aware of the dynamic. What seems bad (like a
broken leg) turns out unexpectedly great. We begin to see the truth that
every problem carries a gift inside it.
By choosing to make use of seemingly bad events, you can access that
gift much sooner. By asking yourself “How can I use this?” or “What
might be good about this?” you can turn your life around on a dime.
56. Storm your own brain
The term “brainstorming” is now very well known in American business
life.
I first learned it many years ago when I worked as a copywriter in an ad
agency. Whenever we would get a new account our agency’s president
would get us all together to “brainstorm” for creative ideas for the
client.
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The main rules of the brainstorming session are 1) there are no stupid
ideas—the more unreasonable the better—and 2) everyone must play.
I have sometimes facilitated brainstorming sessions with business
managers. We go around the table and each person puts out an idea and
the facilitator writes it on the flip pad. We go around and around until
all the reasonable ideas are exhausted and the unreasonable ideas start
to flow. It is usually among the unreasonable ideas that something great
is discovered. Brain-storming works so well because the usual restraints
against stupidity are lifted. It’s okay to be unreasonable and far out.
What most people in business don’t realize is that this powerful
technique can be used by an individual, alone with himself or herself. I
first discovered this while driving in my car a number of years ago
listening to a motivational tape by Earl Nightingale. He talked about a
system he had learned that worked wonders.
On the top of a piece of paper you put a problem you want solved or a
goal you want reached. You then put numbers 1 through 20 on the
paper and begin your brain-storming session. The rules are the same as
with a group session. You have to list 20 ideas, and they don’t have to
be well thought out or even reasonable. Give yourself permission to
flow. Your only objective is to have 20 ideas scrawled down within a
certain short amount of time.
If you do this for a week, you will end up with 100 ideas! Are all of
them usable? Of course not, but who cares? When you began the
process you probably didn’t have any usable ideas.
I have used this system myself over and over with really great results. It
works so well because it relaxes
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the normal tensions against creative, outrageous thinking. It invites the
right side of your brain to play along.
Recently a friend called for some advice about his career. He was in
show business and had developed his act to the point where he was one
of the top performers in the nation. His problem was marketing and
self-promotion. That part of his career was lagging behind his talent.
“What if I told you that there is someone who can give you 100 specific
marketing ideas tailored to your precise career and audience?” I asked
him. He was very interested.
“You, yourself are that person,” I said.
I then told him about the list-of-20 self-storming technique I had
personally been using for a number of years. He eagerly jotted down the
rules of the game and got busy playing.
Two weeks later he called me very excited about the results. “I’ve got
some really great marketing ideas right now, more than I’ve ever had in
the past,” he said. “Thanks.”
Self-mentoring is the best mentoring you can get because your mentor
knows you so well. And although it’s often beneficial to get specific
outside personal coaching, the best coaching teaches us to look within.
A great mentor once said, “The kingdom of heaven is within you.”
57. Keep changing your voice
There have been times when I have been told that I am lucky to have a
good speaking voice. And some people are impressed that I rarely use a
microphone in my seminars, even with hundreds of people in the
audience.
People will conclude that I have been “blessed” with a powerful set of
vocal cords. But it is not true. As I
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related in an earlier chapter, my voice used to be no better than a feeble
monotone. That is, until I got motivated to change it. There were two
instances that inspired my system for developing my voice. The first
was a magazine interview I read many years ago about the actor
Richard Burton (who had perhaps the most mesmerizing speaking voice
of all time—listen to the Broadway recording of “Camelot” and hear
him as King Arthur speak and “sing” his songs.) In the interview, Burton
said that his voice was how he made his living, so he made certain that
each morning while showering he sang a number of songs to keep his
vocal cords strong and supple. Later, on a television talk show, actor
Tony Randall told the host how he developed his trademark sing-song
acting voice: “I took up opera,” he said. “I found that singing opera did
more for my stage voice than anything else I ever tried.”
Those two interviews have stayed in my mind ever since, and I always
carry a number of tapes and CDs in my car to sing along with. I crank
them up good and loud (this is best done while driving alone) and sing at
the top of my lungs. I make certain that I do this every day, even when I
don’t feel like singing. In the words of William James, there’s another
benefit: “We don’t sing because we’re happy, we’re happy because we
sing.”
Prior to a major public speech, I’ll often get to my location more than an
hour ahead of time and then just drive around the neighborhood singing
like a madman. (Sometimes I worry that my host client might drive by
and spot me in my car singing along with Elvis and looking dangerously
psychotic. But the benefits are worth that risk.) I find that when I drive
and sing like that my breathing is better, my timing is better, and when I
speak, my voice effortlessly fills the hall.
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You might think, “I don’t speak for a living.” So such a weird practice
might not be necessary for you. But we all speak. A pleasant, relaxed,
and strong speaking voice is a priceless asset to anyone whose job
involves communicating with other humans.
When referring to people whose speaking voices are pleasing to listen
to, many people use words like “melodious” and “well-modulated.” This
is a good hint to tell if someone is complimenting a great speaking voice.
You are not stuck with the voice you have now. Start singing, and soon
you’ll be creating the voice you’d like to have. The stronger your voice,
the stronger your confidence and the stronger your confidence, the
easier it is to motivate yourself.
58. Embrace the new frontier
Fortunately, for all of us, a new frontier is upon us. Because our nation,
and world, has entered the information age, the old patterns for living
are gone.
An article by business writer John Huey appeared in the June 27, 1994
edition of Fortune. In it, Huey observed, “Let’s say you’re going to a
party, so you pull out some pocket change and buy a little greeting card
that plays ‘Happy Birthday’ when it’s opened. After the party, someone
casually tosses the card into the trash, throwing away more computer
power than existed in the entire world before 1950.”
In the old paradigm, forged in the Industrial Age, we human beings
became less and less useful and adventurous. We found lifelong
employment in guaranteed jobs and did our jobs the same way until
retirement. Then, once we reached retirement age, we became
thoroughly useless to society and lived lives dependent
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on the government, our relatives, or our own savings that we
accumulated in our “useful” years.
Now, with the technological explosion and entry into the Information
Age, employers are no longer as interested in our job histories as they
used to be. They are now more interested in our current capabilities.
One of the romantic appeals of the early Daniel Boone and Davy
Crockett frontier days in our nation was the usefulness of individuals. If
you were living out on the frontier, farming, cooking, and hunting, and
you turned 65, it would never occur to anyone to ask you to “retire.”
We have finally come back to those days of honoring usefulness over
age and status. For example, if my company is trying to enter the
Chinese market to sell its software and you, at age 70, can speak fluent
Chinese, know all about software, and have energy and a zest for
success, how can I afford to ignore you?
Bill Gates of Microsoft has said, “Our company has only one
asset—human imagination.” If you took all of Microsoft’s buildings, real
estate, office hardware, physical assets—anything you can
touch—away from the company, where would it be? Almost exactly
where it is now. Because in today’s world a company’s value is in it’s
thinking, not in its possessions.
This is great news for the individual—because usefulness is back in
style. If you can cultivate your skills, keep learning new things, study
computers, learn a foreign language, or become expert in a foreign
culture and market—you can make yourself useful.
The great basketball coach John Wooden recommended that we live by
this credo—especially apt for the new technological frontier: “Learn as
if you were to live forever. Live as if you were to die tomorrow.”
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Gone are the days when your employability depended primarily on your
job history, your school ties, your connections, your family, or your
seniority. Today your employability depends on one thing—your
current skills. And those skills are completely under your control.
This is the new frontier. And where we once entered retirement age
nervous about the “wolves at our door,” today, with a commitment to
lifelong growth through learning, we can be as useful to the world
community as we are motivated to be.
The more we learn about the future, the more motivated we become to
be a valuable part of it.
59. Upgrade your old habits
Super motivation is much more difficult to achieve when we are held
back mentally by bad habits. Trying to move toward the life we want
while dragging along our bad habits was described in the Scottish rock
group Del Amitri’s song lyrics, “It’s like driving with the brakes on, it’s
like swimming with your boots on…”
But here’s the catch: Bad habits simply cannot be broken. Nor can they
be gotten rid of. Ask the millions who continue to try. They always end
up, in the words of Richard Brautigan, “trying to shovel mercury with a
pitchfork,” because our bad habits exist for good reasons. They’re there
to do something for us, even if that something ends up being
self-destructive. Down deep, even a bad habit is trying to make us
operate better.
People who smoke are trying, even through their addiction, to do
something beneficial—perhaps to breathe deeply and relax. Such
breathing is needed to balance stress, so their smoking is a way in which
they are trying to make themselves better. Bad habits are
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like that—they are based on a perceived benefit. That’s why they’re so
hard to just “get rid of.”
That’s why habits must be respected and understood before they can be
transformed. What created the habit must be built upon, not killed. We
must go to the beneficial impulse that drives the habit, and then expand
on that to make the habit grow from something bad into something
good.
Let’s take drinking as an example. I’ve known people who used to be
drunk all the time who are now sober all the time. How did they do it?
Couldn’t we just say that they just got rid of their drinking habit? Not
really. Because, without exception, the recovered people I know
replaced their drinking with something else.
Taking all of one’s courage, relaxation, and spirituality from a bottle of
alcohol is a very damaging habit. But to simply eliminate it leads to
even worse problems: shakes, DTs, fear, dread, paranoia. A total void.
People who join Alcoholics Anonymous, however, replace their “false
courage”—once found in a bottle of alcohol—with real courage found
in the meeting rooms of AA. The completely artificial sense of
spirituality formerly found in a tumbler of spirits is replaced by the true
and deeply personal spirituality found in working the 12-step program
of enlightenment. The superficial but highly emotional relationships the
alcoholic had made in his favorite bars are replaced by real friendships.
Replacement is powerful because it works, and where bad habits are
concerned it’s the only thing that works. I’ve known people who quit
smoking without intending to. They took up running, or some form of
regular aerobic exercise, and soon the breathing and relaxation they
were getting from the exercise made the
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smoking feel bad to their bodies. They quit smoking because they had
introduced a replacement.
People who diet have the same experience. It isn’t staying away from
fattening food that works—it’s introducing a regular diet of delicious,
healthy food that works. It’s replacement.
Subconsciously you don’t think your bad habits are bad! And that’s
because they’re filling a perceived need. So the way to strengthen
yourself is to identify the need and honor it. Honor the need by
replacing the current habit with one that is healthier and more
effective. Replace one habit, and soon you’ll be motivated to replace
another.
60. Paint your masterpiece today
Think of your day as a blank artist’s canvas.
If you go through your day passively accepting whatever other people
and circumstances splatter on your canvas, you will more than likely see
a mess where art could be.
If the mess troubles your sleep, your next new day will begin in a state
of fatigue and mild confusion. From such a state, your canvas will be
splattered all the more with shapes you don’t like and colors you never
chose.
Thinking of your day as a painter’s canvas will allow you to be more
conscious of what is happening to you when you flood your mind with
nothing but Internet gossip, commercials on the radio, the latest murder
trial, your spouse’s criticisms, office politics, and pessimistic musical
lyrics.
If you’ll allow yourself to step back far enough to realize and truly see
that your daily canvas is filling up with all these negative things, a
certain freedom occurs. It’s the freedom to choose something better.
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The more conscious we are of our freedom to paint whatever we want
on our canvas, the less we go through life as a victim of circumstances.
Many of us aren’t even aware of our own victim status. We read
whatever’s on the coffee table, listen to whatever’s on the car radio, eat
whatever’s handy, scan whatever’s on the Internet, talk to whomever
calls us on the phone, and watch whatever’s on the television—often
too passive to even click the remote control.
We must be aware that we have it in us to change all that. We can paint
our day our way. The best time management—or “day-painting”
—course I ever took was taught by Dennis Deaton. His seminar’s main
point is that we can’t manage time—we can only manage ourselves.
“Clear the clutter from your mind,” Deaton says, “and remove the
obstacles to greater success.”
While most time management courses feel like courses in engineering,
Deaton has captured the spirit of the artist in his teaching. His
prescriptions for managing your day all stem from goal-creation and
living the visions you create.
Wake up and visualize your day as a blank canvas. Ask yourself,
“Who’s the artist today? Blind circumstance, or me? If I choose to be
the artist, how do I want to paint my day?”
61. Swim laps underwater
When Bobby Fisher prepared for his world championship chess match
with Boris Spassky, he prepared by swimming laps underwater every
day.
He knew that as the chess matches wore on into the late hours, the
player with the most oxygen going to his brain would have the mental
advantage. So he built his chess game by building his lungs.
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When he defeated Spassky, many were surprised by his astonishing wit
and mental staying power, especially late in the matches when both
players should’ve been weary and burned out. What kept Bobby Fisher
alert wasn’t caffeine or amphetamines—it was his breathing.
General George Patton once gave a lecture to his troops on brainpower.
He, too, knew the connection between breathing and thinking.
“In war, as in peace, a man needs all the brains he can get,” said Patton.
“Nobody ever had too many brains. Brains come from oxygen. Oxygen
comes from the lungs where the air goes when we breathe. The oxygen
in the air gets into the blood and travels to the brain. Any fool can
double the size of his lungs.”
I learned about Patton’s passion for teaching his troops deep breathing
from Porter Williamson. I had once written a few political radio and
television commercials that caught Mr. Williamson’s attention, so he
called me and asked me to lunch one day. Because he had identified
himself as the author of Patton’s Principles, I eagerly accepted his
invitation, having coincidentally read the marvelous book a few weeks
earlier. Williamson had served in the army for many years as Patton’s
most trusted legal adviser.
Williamson told me many stories about serving with Patton, and how
truly extraordinary a motivator the general was. Most of the Patton
quotes in this book come from Williamson’s own memories of his
service with the great general. Williamson told me about how he himself
had lost his leg to bone cancer, and how the doctors had erroneously
forecasted his death twice. His inner strength, he said, often came from
the inspiration he received in his days of serving with Patton.
“Frequently, General Patton would stop at my desk,” recalled
Williamson, “and ask, ‘How long you
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been sitting at that desk? Get up and get out of here! Your brain stops
working after you sit in a swivel chair for 20 minutes. Keep the body
moving around so the juices will run to the right places. It’ll be good for
the brain! If you sit in that chair too long all of your brainpower will be
in your shoes. You cannot keep your mind active when your body is
inactive.’ ”
That one principle—an active mind cannot exist in an inactive
body—became Bobby Fisher’s secret weapon in winning the world
championship of chess. Who would have guessed that swimming
underwater would make you a better chess player? Certainly not the
overweight, worn-out chess “genius” Boris Spassky.
Sometimes, all you need is the air that you breathe to motivate yourself.
Going for a run or a walk or simply deep breathing gives the brain the
fuel it feeds on to be newly refreshed and creative.
62. Bring on a good coach
After a rare disappointing round on the golf course, Tiger Woods will
often take a golf lesson.
When I first heard about this, I asked myself, who could give Tiger
Woods a lesson in golf?
But that was before I ever really understood the value of coaching. The
person who taught me that value was a young business consultant
named Steve Hardison. Hardison taught me this: Tiger takes a lesson not
because his coach is a better player who can give advice and tips, but
because his coach can stand back from Tiger Woods and see him
objectively.
Steve Hardison had created an art form of coming into corporations and
seeing things objectively. In fact, his perception ran deeper than that.
He had near-psychic power to “see what was missing.” It was a gift he
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could also apply to individuals, but only if they were ready for the rigors
of his coaching.
I used to teasingly call one of his illustrative personal stories “The
Parable of the Mission.” As a young missionary for his church in
England, Hardison broke all records for enrolling congregants. He
contrasted his own method with that of the other missionaries.
While the others would rush out and knock on doors all day, Hardison
would spend the first part of each day planning and plotting his
activities. By creating his day before it happened, he was able to
combine visits, economize on travel time, and increase the number of
enrollment conversations in a given day. He also used his creative
planning time to set up intra-neighborhood referrals for himself so that
many of his visits came with a reference.
The other missionaries were very active, but they were focused on the
activity, not the result. They were in the business of knocking on doors
and scurrying about—Steve was in the business of enrolling people into
the church. The records he set for enrollment were no accident. He
planned things that way.
Steve helped me understand something that lives inside of all of us,
something he called “the voice.” When you wake up in the morning, the
voice is there right away, telling you that you are too tired to get up or
too sick to go to work. During a sales meeting when you are just about
to say something bold to a client, the voice might tell you to cool it.
“Hold back.” “Be careful.”
“The trick is,” said Steve, “to not ignore or deny the existence of the
voice. Because it’s there, in all of us. No one is free of the voice.
However, you don’t have to obey the voice. You can talk back to the
voice. And when you really get good, you can even talk trash to the
voice.
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Make fun of it. Ridicule it. Point out how stupid it is. And once you get
into that way of debating your own doubts, you start to take back
control of your life.”
Many times I’d be in the middle of a large business project and ask to
meet with Steve for an hour. After he listened for a few minutes, he
would almost invariably see right away what was “missing” in my
behavior. Like a great golf teacher watching Tiger Woods’ backswing,
he would say, “Are you willing to accept some coaching on this?” And I
would eagerly say yes. Then he would tell me truthfully, sometimes
ruthlessly, what he saw. I didn’t always like what he saw, but I always
grew stronger from talking about it.
Hardison’s coaching was so jolting that sometimes it reminded me of an
incident that happened to me when I was a boy playing Little League
baseball.
I had injured my knee in a play at third base and when the game was
over the knee was swollen and my entire leg was stiff. As I sat on the
bench with my leg straight out in front of me, a doctor whose son was
on our team was kneeling down by my leg as my father looked on.
“I’d like you to bend your leg now,” he said to me as his hands gently
held my swollen knee.
“I can’t,” I told him.
“You can’t?” he asked, looking up at me. “Why can’t you?”
“Because I tried, and it really hurts.”
The doctor looked at me for a second, and then said simply but gently,
“Then hurt yourself.”
I was startled by his request. Hurt myself? On purpose? But then,
without saying anything, I slowly bent my leg. Yes, there was
tremendous pain, but that didn’t matter. I was still mesmerized by his
request.
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The doctor massaged my knee with his fingers and nodded to my father
that everything would be okay. I’d have to have x-rays and the usual
precautionary exam, but he saw nothing seriously wrong for now.
But I was still aware that something very big had just happened to me.
After a boyhood that was characterized by avoiding pain and discomfort
of any kind, all of a sudden I saw that I could hurt myself if I needed to,
and that I could do it calmly without batting an eye. Perhaps I wasn’t
the coward I’d always thought I was. Perhaps there was as much
courage in me as in anyone else, and it was all a matter of being willing
to call on it.
It was a defining incident in my life, and it was not dissimilar to the way
Steve Hardison, as a coach, has required that I call on things inside me
that I didn’t know I had.
One time I was having a hard time enrolling people into seminars and
doing my prospecting calls on the phone. Steve grabbed the phone and
started calling people and signing them up. Then he accidentally dialed
a wrong number and reached some mechanic at a car repair garage.
Most people would have apologized at that point and hung up and
dialed again. But rather than waste the call, Steve introduced himself
and then stayed on the phone—until the mechanic had signed up for a
seminar.
Hardison is a gifted and courageous public speaker, a resourceful and
relentless salesperson, a talented athlete and a committed family man
and church member. The kind of guy who used to make me sick!
I could write an entire book about Steve Hardison’s remarkable work in
coaching and consulting, and someday I just might. Examples of ways
that he coached me to higher levels of performance are plentiful. But I
think
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the greatest thing he has taught me is the value of coaching itself.
Once you open yourself up to being coached, you begin to receive the
same advantages enjoyed by great actors and athletes everywhere.
When you open yourself up to coaching, you don’t become
weaker—you grow stronger. You become more responsible for
changing yourself.
In The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck writes, “The problem of
distinguishing what we are and what we are not responsible for in this
life is one of the greatest problems of human existence…we must
possess the willingness and the capacity to suffer continual
self-examination.”
The best coaches show us how to examine ourselves. It takes courage to
ask for coaching, but the rewards can be great. The best moments come
when your coach helps you do something you have previously been
afraid to do. When Hardison would recommend that I do something I
was afraid to do I’d say, “I don’t know if I could do that.”
“So don’t be you,” he would say. “If you can’t do that, then be someone
else. Be someone who could do it. Be DeNiro, be Bruce Lee, be
anybody, I don’t care, as long as you do it.”
Coaching’s contribution to my life is illustrated in these words by French
philosopher Guillaume Apollinaire:
” ‘Come to the edge,’ he said.
They said, ‘We are afraid.’
‘Come to the edge,’ he said.
They came.
He pushed them.
And they flew.”
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You can get coaching anytime. If coaching is appropriate for your golf
or tennis game, it is even more appropriate for the game of life. Ask
someone to be honest with you and coach you for a while. Let them
check your “swing.” Let them tell you what they see. It’s a courageous
thing to do, and it will always lead to more self-motivation and growth.
63. Try to sell your home
Once when Steve Hardison and I were discussing a few of my old habits
that were holding me back from realizing my business goals, I blurted
out to him, “But why do I do those things? If I know they hold me back,
why do I continue to do them?”
“Because they are home to you,” he said. “They feel like home. When
you do those things, you do them because that’s what you’re
comfortable doing, and so you make yourself right at home doing them.
And as they say, there’s no place like home.”
“Home” can be an ugly place if it’s not kept up and consciously made
beautiful. “Home” can be a dark, damp prison, smelling of bad habits
and laziness. But we still don’t want to leave it, no matter how bad it
gets, because we think we are safe there.
However, when we inspect the worn-out house more closely, we can
see that the safety we think we’re experiencing is pure self-limitation.
It’s very hard to leave home—many of us try and fail many times. Noel
Paul Stookey wrote a hauntingly beautiful song called “The House
Song,” which captures this feeling. The opening words are, “This house
goes on sale every Wednesday morning…and is taken off the market in
the afternoon.”
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After grasping Hardison’s metaphor of home, I immediately saw that I
needed to move out of my house. I needed to move up in the
neighborhood. I needed a better home. A home that contained habits
that would keep me focused on goal-oriented activity. Hardison helped
coach me in that direction until the new activities began to feel like
where I should have been living all along.
Hardison’s metaphor of “home” as the equivalent of old disempowering
habits has stayed with me for a long time. Recently while I was putting
together a tape of motivational music to play in my car, I included the
energetic “I’m Going Home” by Alvin Lee and Ten Years After. As I
drove around listening to it turned up all the way, I thought about what
Hardison taught. I let the song be about the new home I would always
be in the process of moving to.
Don’t be afraid to leave the psychic home you’re in. Get excited about
building a larger, newer, happier home in your mind, and then go live
there.
In Colin Wilson’s brilliant but little-known, out-of-print novel Necessary
Doubt, he created Gustav Neumann, a fascinating character who made
many discoveries about human beings. At one point Neumann says, “I
came to realize that people build themselves personalities as they build
houses—to protect themselves from the world. They become its
prisoners. And most people are in such a hurry to hide inside their four
walls that they build the house too quickly.”
Identify the habits that keep you trapped. Identify what you have
decided is your final personality and accept that it might be a hasty
construction built only to keep you safe from risk and growth. Once
you’ve done that, you can leave. You can get the blueprints out and
create the home you really want.
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64. Get your soul to talk
We’ve always been a little nervous, culturally, about talking to
ourselves. We usually associate it with insanity. But it was Plato who
said that his definition of thinking was “the soul talking to itself.”
If you really want to get your life worked out, there is no one better to
talk to than yourself. No other person has as much information about
your problems and no other person knows your skills and capabilities
better. And there’s no one else who can do more for you than yourself.
A lot of people in the motivational and psychological professions
recommend affirmations. You choose a sentence to say, such as, “Every
day in every way I’m getting better and better,” and repeat it whether or
not you think it’s true. While affirmations are a good first step to
re-programming, I prefer conversations. Conversations work faster.
The two most inspirational guidelines to productive self-conversational
exercises are in Martin Seligman’s Learned Optimism and Nathaniel
Branden’s The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. Seligman offers ways to
dispute your own pessimism and create the habit of optimistic thinking.
Branden offers provocative sentence stems for you to complete.
Rather than brainlessly parroting “I’m getting better and better” to
myself, it makes a longer-lasting impression when I logically argue the
case and win. With enough back-and-forth conversation, I can prove to
myself that I am getting better. Proof beats the parrot every time. It’s
one thing to try to hypnotize myself through repetition of words to
accept something as true, and it’s quite another to convince myself that
it is true.
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Branden suggests that we get our creative thinking going each morning
by asking ourselves two questions: 1) What’s good in my life? and 2)
What is there still to be done?
Most people don’t talk to themselves at all. They listen to the radio,
watch TV, gossip, and fill up on the words and thoughts of other people
all day long. But it’s impossible to indulge in that kind of activity and
also get motivated. Motivation is something you talk yourself into.
65. Promise the moon
One frightening and effective way to motivate yourself is to make an
unreasonable promise—to go to someone you care about, either
personally or professionally, and promise them something really big,
something that will take all the effort and creativity you’ve got to make
happen.
When President John Kennedy promised that America would put a man
on the moon, the power of that thrilling promise alone energized all of
NASA for the entire time it took to accomplish the amazing feat. In his
book about the Apollo 13 mission, Lost Moon, astronaut Jim Lovell
called Kennedy’s original promise “outrageous.” But it showed how
effective being outrageous could be.
In his book Passion, Profit, and Power, Marshall Sylver recalls seeing a
billboard in Las Vegas put up by one of the casino owners who wanted
to become a non-smoker. The billboard read: “If You See Me Smoking
in the Next 90 Days, I’ll Pay You $100,000!” Can you see the power in
that promise?
A couple of years ago I promised my children that I would send them to
camp in Michigan. They had been
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to the camp near Traverse City before, and loved it. When you live
during the year in Arizona, there’s something magical about the water
and emerald forests of northern Michigan. It was an expensive camp,
but when I made the promise I was doing well financially, and I was
confident that they could all go.
Then as the summer neared I’d run short of money and had to rearrange
my priorities. My speaking schedule had replaced much of the
commissioned selling I was doing and it looked like camp might not be
in the picture.
I remember specifically talking to my boy Bobby, who was 8 years old
at the time, about how times were temporarily hard and how camp
didn’t look like a good possibility any more this year. He was in the
front seat of the car and I’ll never forget for as long as I live the look on
his face. He said very softly, so softly that I could barely hear him, “but
you promised.”
He was right. I didn’t say I’d try, I didn’t say it was a goal, I promised.
And the feelings I had at that moment were so overwhelming that I
finally said to him, “Yes, I did promise. And because you reminded me
that it was a promise, I will say to you right now that you’re going to
camp. I’ll do what it takes. I’m sorry that I forgot it was a promise.”
The first thing I did was change jobs, and my first condition on
accepting my new job was that my bonus for signing was the exact
amount of money it took to send my children to camp. It was done.
66. Make somebody’s day
To basketball coach John Wooden, making each day your masterpiece
was not just about selfish personal
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achievement. In his autobiography, They Call Me Coach, he mentions
an element vital to creating each day.
“You cannot live a perfect day,” he said, “without doing something for
someone who will never be able to repay you.”
I agree with that. But there’s a way to make sure you can’t be
repaid—and that’s doing something for someone who won’t even know
who did it.
This gets into a theory I’ve had all my life, that you can create luck in
your life. Not from the idea that luck is needed for success, because it
isn’t. But from the idea that luck can be a welcome addition to your life.
You can create luck for yourself by creating it for someone else. If you
know about someone who is hurting financially, and you arrange for a
few hundred dollars to arrive at their home, and they don’t even know
who you are, then you’ve made them lucky. By making someone lucky,
something will then happen in your own life that also feels like pure
luck. (I can’t explain why this happens, and I have no scientific basis for
it, so all I can say is try it a few times and see if you aren’t as startled as
I have been at the results…it doesn’t have to be money, either. We have
a lot of other things to give, always.)
When you get lucky, you’ll get more motivated, because you feel like
the universe is more on your side. Experiment with this a little. Don’t be
imprisoned by cynicism posing as rationality on this subject. See what
happens to you when you make other people get lucky.
67. Play the circle game
If you use my four-minute, four-circle, goal-setting system described
earlier you can be the creator of your universe.
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“You know, that’s blasphemous,” a seminar student once told me during
a break. “Only God can create the universe.”
“But if you believe that,” I said, “you must also believe as it is written,
that we were all created in God’s image. And if you believe in God as
the Creator, and that He created us in His image, then what are we
doing when we don’t create? Whose image are we living in when we
deliberately do not create?”
Try this: After you wake up in the morning, wipe the sleep from your
eyes, sit down with a pad of paper, and draw four circles. These are
your own “planets.” Label the first circle, “Lifelong Dream.” (And in
order to keep this example simple, I’ll make it strictly financial, although
you can do it with any kinds of goals you want.) Your lifelong dream
might be to save a half a million dollars for your retirement years. So,
put that number in your “Life” circle. Then look at circle two, the next
planet in your solar system. That circle you will label, “My Year.” What
do you need to save in the next year in order to be on course to hit your
life savings goal? (When you factor in the interest, it’s less than you
think.) And when you arrive at the figure, make certain that it matches
up mathematically with your first circle. In other words, if you save this
amount, and save, say 10 percent more each year that follows, will you
achieve your “Life” number? If not, do some more math until you get a
direct connection between your yearly savings projection and your
lifelong goal.
Now that you’ve got your first two circles filled with a number, move to
the third circle, “My Month.” What would you have to save each month
to hit your year’s goal? Then put that number down. Three circles are
now filled.
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Now go to the final circle, “My Day.” What do you need to do
today—that if you repeated it every day—would ensure a successful
month?
(By the way, as I said, this doesn’t have to just be about money, it can
be about physical fitness, learning a language, relationship networking,
spirituality, nutrition, or anything important to you.)
The power of this system lies in thinking of it as a universe, which, as
Wayne Dyer keeps reminding us, means “one song.” When you work
the math, you cannot help but see that each circle, if done successfully,
guarantees the success of the next circle. If you hit your daily goal
every day, your monthly goal is automatically hit—in fact you don’t
even have to worry about it. And if your monthly goal is reached, the
yearly goal has to happen. And if your yearly goals are hit, the lifelong
goal cannot not be reached.
When you study the irrefutable mathematical truth contained in this
system, a strange feeling comes over you. You realize that all four
circles are ultimately dependent on the success of just one circle: the
circle labeled, “My Day.”
Then you get the strangely empowering sensation that you have just
proved on paper that your day and your life are the same thing. There is
no future other than the future you are working on today. Your future is
not stranded out there somewhere in space.
This is what the great poet Rainer Maria Rilke meant when he said,
“The future enters into us, in order to transform itself in us, long before
it happens.”
Remember that once you have worked out the math for this, the circle
game is only a four-minute daily exercise. Many times in seminars I
give, participants will say that they are too busy for all this goal-setting
activity. They have lives to live! But I like to remind them of
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the words of Henry Ford who said, “If you do not think about the
future, you won’t have one.”
And I also like to stress that I am only talking about four minutes a day.
The purpose of making the circles mathematically sound is that you can
remove the elements of “faith” and “hoping” from your action plan. You
know your goals will be hit. Who would you want to bet on, the tennis
player who has faith that she’s going to win or the one who knows she’s
going to win?
By drawing these simple four circles you can create your universe
anywhere, anytime. Waiting in line at the bank, sitting in the doctor’s
office, waiting for a meeting to begin, or just doodling. Each time you
do it, your universe gets closer to you. Each time you draw the circles
you are hit with this revelation: There is absolutely no difference
between succeeding today and having a successful life.
In The Magic of Believing, Claude Bristol recounts a particularly
absent-minded habit of his that, looking back, may have had a bigger
impact on shaping his universe than he ever realized. He said that
whether he was on the phone, or just sitting in moments of abstraction,
he would always have a pen or pencil out doodling.
“My doodling was in the form of dollar signs like these—$$$$$—on
every paper that came across my desk. The cardboard covers of all the
files that were placed before me daily were covered with these
markings; so were the covers of telephone directories, scratch pads, and
even the face of important correspondence.”
Bristol’s later studies on “mind stuff experiments,” “the power of
suggestion,” and “the art of mental pictures” caused him to conclude
that his lifelong habit of doodling dollar signs had had an enormous
impact on programming his mind to always be opportunistic and
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enterprising when it came to money. The fortune he acquired demands
that we take his observations seriously.
68. Get up a game
It is said that John F. Kennedy’s father’s credo was, “Don’t get mad, get
even.”
And that credo has a certain vengeful, clever wisdom in it as far as it
goes, but you might go even further with this credo: “Don’t just get
even—get better.”
When Michael Jordan was a sophomore in high school he was cut from
his high school basketball team. Michael Jordan was told by his coach
that he wasn’t good enough to play high school basketball. It was a
crushing disappointment for a young boy whose heart was set on
making the team, but he used the incident—not to get mad, not to get
even, but to get better.
We all have those moments when people tell us, or insinuate to us, that
they don’t think we measure up—that they don’t believe in us. Some of
us have entire childhoods filled with that experience. The most common
reaction is anger and resentment. Sometimes it motivates us to “get
even” or to prove somebody wrong. But there’s a better way to respond,
a way that is creative rather than reactive.
“How can I use this?” is the question that puts us on the road to
creativity. It transforms the anger into optimistic energy, so we can
grow beyond someone else’s negative expectations.
Johnny Bench, a Hall of Fame baseball player, knew what it was like to
not be believed in.
“In the second grade,” he said, “they asked us what we wanted to be. I
said I wanted to be a ballplayer and they laughed. In the eighth grade
they asked the same
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question, and I said a ballplayer, and they laughed a little more. By the
11th grade, no one was laughing.”
Our country has gone through a difficult period of time since World
War II. We no longer value heroes and individual achievement as we
once did. “Competition” has become a bad word. But competition, if
confronted enthusiastically, can be the greatest self-motivating
experience in the world.
What some people fear in the idea of competition, I suppose, is that we
will become obsessed with succeeding at somebody else’s expense. That
we’ll take too much pleasure in defeating and therefore “being better”
than somebody else. Many times during conversations with my
children’s teachers, I am told how the school has progressively removed
grades and awards from some activities “so that the kids don’t feel they
have to compare themselves to each other.” They are proud of how
they’ve softened their educational programs so that there’s less stress
and competition. But what they are doing is not softening the
program—they are softening the children.
If you are interested in self-motivation, self-creation, and being the best
you can be, there is nothing better than competition. It teaches you the
valuable lesson that no matter how good you are, there is always
somebody better than you are. That’s the lesson in humility you need,
the lesson those teachers are misguidedly trying to teach by removing
grades.
It teaches you that by trying to beat somebody else, you reach for more
inside of yourself. Trying to beat somebody else simply puts the “game”
back into life. If it’s done optimistically, it gives energy to both
competitors. It teaches sportsmanship. And it gives you a benchmark for
measuring your own growth.
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The poet William Butler Yeats used to be amused at how many
definitions people came up with for happiness. But happiness wasn’t any
of the things people said it was, insisted Yeats.
“Happiness is just one thing,” he said. “Growth. We are happy when we
are growing.”
A good competitor will cause you to grow. He will stretch you beyond
your former skill level. If you want to get good at chess, play against
somebody better at chess than you are. In the movie Searching for
Bobby Fisher, we see the negative effects of resisting competition on a
young chess genius until he starts to use the competition to grow. Once
he stops taking it personally and seriously, the game itself becomes
energizing. Once he embraces the intriguing fun of competition, he gets
better and better as a player, and grows as a person.
I mentioned earlier that I’d heard a report on the radio that there was a
Little League organization somewhere in Pennsylvania that had decided
not to keep score in its games anymore because losing might damage the
players’ self-esteem. They had it all wrong: Losing teaches kids to grow
in the face of defeat. It also teaches them that losing isn’t the same as
dying, or being worthless. It’s just the other side of winning. If we teach
children to fear competition because of the possibility of losing, then we
actually lower their self-esteem.
Compete wherever you can. But always compete in the spirit of fun,
knowing that finally surpassing someone else is far less important than
surpassing yourself.
If you’re better at a game than I am, when I play against you and try to
beat you it’s really not you I’m after. Who I’m really beating is the old
me. Because the old me couldn’t beat you.
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69. Turn your mother down
Psychologist and author M. Scott Peck observes, “To a child, his or her
parents represent the world. He assumes that the way his parents do
things is the way things are done.”
In Dr. Martin Seligman’s studies of optimism and pessimism, he found
out the same thing: We learn how to explain the world to ourselves from
our parents—and more specifically, our mothers.
“This tells us that young children listen to what their primary caretaker
(usually the mother) says about causes,” writes Seligman, “and they
tend to make this style their own. If the child has an optimistic mother,
this is great, but it can be a disaster for the child if the child has a
pessimistic mother.” Fortunately, Seligman’s studies show that the
disaster need only be temporary—that optimism can be learned…at any
age.
But it is not self-motivating to blame Mom if you find yourself to be a
pessimist. What works better is self-creation: to produce a voice in your
head that’s so confident and strong that your mother’s voice gets edited
out, and your own voice becomes the only one you hear.
And as much as you want to eliminate the continuing influence of a
pessimistic adult from your childhood, remember that blaming someone
else never motivates you because it strengthens the belief that your life
is being shaped by people outside yourself. Love your mom (she learned
her pessimism from her mother)—and change yourself.
70. Face the sun
“When you face the sun,” wrote Helen Keller, “the shadows always fall
behind you.”
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This was Helen Keller’s poetic way of recommending optimistic
thinking. What you look at and what you face grows in your life. What
you ignore falls behind you. But if you turn and look only at the
shadows, they become your life.
When I was younger I remember hearing other kids tell a joke about
Helen Keller. “Have you heard about the Helen Keller doll?” they
would ask. “You wind it up and it bumps into things.”
I’ve often thought about that joke, and why such a joke about someone
who was deaf and blind was funny. I think the answer lies in our
nervousness about other people overcoming huge misfortunes. (Perhaps
we laugh nervously because we haven’t overcome our own small ones.)
In our own day and age, we are quick to consider ourselves victims. We
are all victims of some sort of emotional, social, gender, or racial abuse.
We enjoy taking what difficulties we have had in life and blowing them
up into huge injustices.
Helen Keller didn’t complain about being from a dys-functional family,
or of being a woman, or of not being given enough money from the
government to compensate her for her handicaps. She had challenges
most of us can’t even imagine, but she refused to become fascinated by
them and make her handicaps her life. She didn’t want to focus on the
shadows when there was so much sun.
There is a bumper sticker that I see every so often as I’m driving around:
“Life is a bitch and then you die.” I always wonder about that bumper
sticker because it seems illogical. If life is that bad, death should be
welcome. The sticker should say, “Life is a bitch, but the good news is
you die.”
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British author G.K. Chesterton used to say that pessimists (like the
person with that sticker on his car) don’t stay anti-life very long when
you put a revolver to their heads. All of a sudden, they can think of a
million reasons to live. Those million reasons are always there, down
inside of us, waiting to be called up. Our pessimism is usually a false
front put on to get sympathy.
Another popular bumper sticker has been “Shit Happens.” I happen to
consider that bumper sticker to be ironically optimistic. It’s one of the
qualities of optimists that they are not surprised, overwhelmed, or
offended by trouble. They know that trouble comes, and they know
they can handle it.
Some people have been upset by the popularity of this slogan, and I’ve
seen them try to counter with the sticker, “Love Happens.” Actually,
they have it wrong. Shit does happen. But love does not. Love doesn’t
happen all by itself. Love is created.
In his stirring book Son Rise, Barry Neil Kaufman tells an astonishing
true story of how he and his wife healed their once-autistic son and
helped nurture him to a happy, extroverted life. Kaufman and his wife
made a conscious choice to see their son’s disability as a great blessing
to them. It was just a choice, like choosing to face the sun instead of
facing your shadows. But as Kaufman says, “The way we choose to see
the world creates the world we see.”
71. Travel deep inside
Most of us wait to find out who we are from impressions and opinions
we get from other people. We base our own so-called self-image on
other people’s views of us.
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“Oh, do you really think I’m good at that?” we ask, when someone
compliments us. If we’re persuaded that they are being honest and have
made a good case, we might try to alter our self-image upward.
It’s great getting feedback from others, especially positive feedback. We
all need it to live and feel good. But when it’s all we’ve got, we’re in
danger of being far less than we could be, because our self-image
always depends on others. And all they see is what we’re risking right
now. What they never see is what’s inside of us, waiting to emerge.
Because they can’t see that, they will always underrate us.
Your journey can be internal. You can travel deeper and deeper inside
to find out your own potential. Your potential is your true identity—it
only waits for self-motivation to come alive.
“For this is the journey that men and women make,” said James A.
Michener, “to find themselves. If they fail in this, it doesn’t matter much
else what they find.”
Let positive reinforcement and compliments be a mere seasoning to
your life. But prepare your life’s meal yourself. Don’t look outside
yourself to find out who you are, look inside and create who you are.
72. Go to war
Anthony Burgess was 40 when he learned that he had a brain tumor that
would kill him within a year. He knew he had a battle on his hands. He
was completely broke at the time, and he didn’t have anything to leave
behind for his wife, Lynne, soon to be a widow.
Burgess had never been a professional novelist in the past, but he
always knew the potential was inside him to be a writer. So, for the sole
purpose of leaving
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royalties behind for his wife, he put a piece of paper into a typewriter
and began writing. He had no certainty that he would even be
published, but he couldn’t think of anything else to do.
“It was January of 1960,” he said, “and according to the prognosis, I had
a winter and spring and summer to live through, and would die with the
fall of the leaf.”
In that time Burgess wrote energetically, finishing five and a half novels
before the year was through—(very nearly the entire lifetime output of
E.M. Forster, and almost twice that of J.D. Salinger.)
But Burgess did not die. His cancer had gone into remission and then
disappeared altogether. In his long and full life as a novelist (he is best
known for A Clockwork Orange), he wrote more than 70 books, but
without the death sentence from cancer, he may not have written at all.
Many of us are like Anthony Burgess, hiding greatness inside, waiting
for some external emergency to bring it out. I believe that’s why my
father and many people of his generation speak so fondly about World
War II. During the war, they lived in a state of emergency that brought
out the best in them.
If we don’t pay attention to this phenomenon—how crisis inspires our
best efforts—we tend to brainlessly create a life based on comfort. We
try to design easier and easier ways to live, so that we won’t be
surprised or challenged by anything.
People who get the knack of self-motivation can reverse this process
and get that wonderful “World War II” sense of vitality into their lives.
Athletes do it constantly.
“How do you feel about tonight’s game with the Trail Blazers?” a
reporter once asked basketball star Kobe
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Bryant. “It’ll be a war out there,” he said with a twinkle in his eye.
We don’t have to wait for something tragic or dangerous to attack us
from the outside. We can get the same vitality going by challenging
ourselves from within.
A useful exercise for self-motivation is to ask yourself what you’d do if
you had Anthony Burgess’s original predicament. “If I had just a year to
live, how would I live differently? What exactly would I do?”
73. Use the 5% solution
Many years ago, when I first began considering the idea of changing my
life, I went through some emotional mood swings. I would get very high
on an idea of who I could be, and I’d set out to change myself overnight.
Then my old habits would pull me back to who I used to be, and I would
become demoralized and depressed for weeks, thinking I didn’t have
what it took to change. As the weeks went by, I finally caught on to the
idea that great things are often created very slowly, so why couldn’t
great people be created the same way? I began to see the value in small
changes, here and there, that led me in the direction of who I wanted to
be.
If I wanted to be someone who was healthy and had good eating habits,
I would introduce a salad here, a piece of fruit there, and take the
creative process very slowly. Now I almost never eat red meat, but it
didn’t happen by simply ruling it out one night. (All the times I tried
that, my stomach, which used to far outrank my mind in my internal
chain of command, would rule it back in the first time I smelled a
barbecue in the neighborhood.)
Pyschotherapist Dr. Nathaniel Branden is known for the effectiveness
in his therapy of using sentence
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completion exercises. By asking his clients to write out or speak six to
10 endings, quickly, without thinking, to a “sentence stem,” he allows
people to explore their own minds for their hidden power and creativity.
A typical sentence he might ask you to complete six to 10 times would
be, “If I bring five percent more purposefulness into my life today….”
Then you, the client, give your rapid endings to the sentence. That’s
how you find out what you think and secretly know about your own
power to add purpose to your life. One of the fascinating aspects of
Branden’s sentences is the “five percent” part. It seems like an awfully
small amount of change when you look at it, but think of how it would
play out. If you brought five percent more purposefulness to your life
each day, it would only be 20 days before you had doubled your sense
of purpose.
Huge things can be accomplished by focusing on one small action at a
time. Novelist Anne Lamott recalls an incident in her childhood, the
memory of which always helps her “get a grip.”
“Thirty years ago,” she remembers, “my older brother, who was 10
years old at the time, was trying to get a report on birds written that he’d
had three months to write, which was due the next day. We were out at
our family cabin in Bolinas, and he was at the kitchen table close to
tears, surrounded by binder paper and pencils and unopened books on
birds, immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead. Then my father
sat down beside him, put his arm around my brother’s shoulder, and
said, ‘Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird.’ ”
When we stay the same, it’s not because we didn’t make a big enough
change, but rather because we didn’t do anything today that sent us
moving toward change.
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If you continue to think of yourself as a great painting you are going to
paint, then wanting to instantly change is like wanting to finish your
portrait in 10 minutes and then put it up in the art gallery.
If you see yourself as a masterpiece-in-progress, then you will relish
small change. A tiny thing you did differently today will excite you. If
you want a stronger body, and you took the stairs instead of the
elevator, celebrate. You are moving in the direction of change.
If you want to change yourself, try making the changes as small as they
can be. If you want to create yourself, like a great painting, don’t be
afraid to use tiny brush strokes.
74. Do something badly
Sometimes we don’t do things because we’re not sure we can do them
well. We feel that we’re not in the mood or at the right energy level to
do the task we have to do, so we put it off, or wait for inspiration to
arrive.
The most commonly known example of this phenomenon is what
writers call “writer’s block.” A mental barrier seems to set in that
prevents a writer from writing. Sometimes it gets so severe that writers
go to psychotherapists to get help for it. Many writers’ means of earning
a living depends on its cure.
The “block” (or lack of self-motivation) occurs not because the writer
can’t write, but because the writer thinks he can’t write well. In other
words, the writer thinks he doesn’t have the proper energy or inspiration
to write something, right now, that’s good enough to submit. So the
pessimistic voice inside the writer says, “You can’t think of anything to
write, can you?” This happens to many of us, even with something as
small as a postcard to send, or an overdue e-mail to answer.
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But the writer doesn’t really need psychotherapy for this. All he or she
needs is an understanding of how the human mind is working at the
moment of the “block.”
The cure for writer’s block—and also the road to self-motivation—is
simple. The cure is to go ahead and write badly.
Novelist Anne Lamott has a chapter in her marvelous book Bird by
Bird called “Shitty First Drafts.” The key to writing, she says, is to just
start typing anything—it can be the worst thing you’ve ever written, it
doesn’t matter.
“Almost all good writing begins with terrible first efforts,” says Lamott.
“You need to start somewhere. Start by getting something
—anything—down on paper.”
By the mere act of typing you have disempowered the pessimistic
“voice” that tried to convince you not to write. Now you are writing.
And once you’re in action, it’s easy to pick up the energy and pick up
the quality.
Singer-songwriter John Stewart says, “When you’re in the first stages of
creating, never, ever censor yourself.”
We’re often afraid to do things until we’re sure we’ll do them well.
Therefore we don’t do anything. This tendency led G.K. Chesterton to
say, “If a thing is worth doing, it’s worth doing badly.”
Going out for a run gives me an example of the same phenomenon.
Because I don’t feel that I have a good, strong run in me, the voice says
“not today.” But the cure for that is to decide to do it anyway—even if
it will be a bad run. “I don’t feel like running now, so I’m going to go out
and run slowly, in such lazy, bad form that it does me no good, but at
least I will have run.”
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But once I start, something always happens to alter my feelings about
the run. By the end of the run, I notice that it had somehow become
thoroughly enjoyable.
In my self-motivation seminars, I often give a homework assignment for
people to write down what their main goals are for the next year. I ask
them to fill no more than a half-page. This is not a difficult assignment
for people who are willing to just come off the top of their heads and
have fun filling the page. But you would be surprised at how many
people absolutely anguish over it, trying to get it “right,” as if they were
going to be held forever to what they write down. Many people simply
can’t do it.
To get them to complete the exercise, I say, “put anything down. Make
something up. It doesn’t even have to be true. They don’t even have to
be your goals, just do it so you can understand the exercise we’re about
to do.” The point is to just do it.
In many ways we are all novelists like Anne Lamott. Our novels are our
lives. And many of us get a tragic form of writer’s block that causes us
to not write anything at all. It’s a tragedy, because deep down we are
very creative. We could write a great life. It’s just that we’re so afraid of
writing badly, that we never write.
Don’t let this happen to you. If you’re not motivated to do something
you know you need to do, just decide to do it badly. Add a little
self-deprecating humor. Be comically bad at what you’re doing. And
then enjoy what happens to you once you’re into the process.
75. Learn visioneering
A few years ago I spent some enjoyable time working with motivational
speaker Dennis Deaton and teaching his principles of “visioneering”
—which he defines
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as “engineering dreams into reality” by the use of active mental imaging.
When I gave my weekly Thursday night public seminars, I’d sometimes
teach Deaton’s “visioneering” concepts, and my (then) little daughter
Margery would always accompany me. She helped hand out workbooks
and pencils and when the seminar got started she would take a seat in
the audience, open her own workbook and participate. She was 10 at
the time, and I was never certain exactly how much she was absorbing.
Then one weekend afternoon by the pool at our apartment complex, I
relaxed in a deck chair while Margie and her girlfriend Michelle played
by the pool. There were a lot of people in and around the water that
day, but above them all I could hear Margery and Michelle having a
heated conversation down by the deep end of the water.
“I just can’t do it!” said Michelle.
“Yes, you can,” said Margie. “You just have to believe you can.”
“I’m afraid to dive,” said Michelle. “I’ve never dived in my life.”
“Michelle,” said Margie, “listen to me. Will you just try it my way?”
“I don’t know,” said Michelle. “Okay, what’s your way?”
“Just close your eyes,” said Margie, “and picture yourself on a diving
board. Can you see yourself standing up there?”
“Yes,” said Michelle.
“Okay good!” said Margie. “Now, I want you to get an even better
picture. What kind of bathing suit are you wearing? Can you see it?”
“It’s red, white, and blue,” said Michelle, her eyes still closed. “It’s like
an American flag.”
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“Great,” said Margie. “Now picture yourself diving off the board in slow
motion, just like in a dream. Can you see that?”
“Yes I can,” said Michelle.
“That’s great!” shouted Margie. “Now you can do it. Because if you can
dream it, you can do it! Let’s go over here and do it.”
Michelle followed her slowly to the end of the pool. I was looking over
the top of my book but not letting them know I was listening. I was
amazed. I had no idea what would happen next, but I noticed a number
of people around the pool area watching and listening with fascination,
while pretending not to.
Michelle walked up to the edge of the water and looked very scared.
She looked at Margie, and Margie said, “Michelle, I want you to keep
saying, very softly, ‘If I can dream it, I can do it’ and then I want to see
you dive in.”
Michelle kept repeating “If I can dream it, I can do it,” and all of a
sudden, surprising even herself, she dove—a near-perfect dive into the
deep end with almost no splash!
Margie was jumping up and down and clapping when Michelle came up
from the water. “You did it!” she shouted, and Michelle was grinning as
she climbed up to do it again.
Could it be, I thought to myself, that this system is this simple?
The principle is this: You won’t do anything you can’t picture yourself
doing. Visioneering is just another word for picturing yourself. Once you
make the picturing process conscious and deliberate, you begin to
create the self you want to be. We dive into the pictures we create.
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76. Lighten things up
Sunlight and laughter. That’s what cures most fears and worries.
Terrifying problems are better solved in the light than in the dark. And
there are many ways to bring them into the light.
Pick a frightening problem. Then do the following: Talk about it with
someone, draw an illustrated map of it on a huge piece of paper, make
“Top 10” lists about the problem, tell yourself some jokes about the
problem, sing about the problem and, finally, dance a dance that
expresses the problem.
If you do all these things, I promise you that your problem will seem a
lot funnier, and less frightening, than it once did. It is impossible to
laugh deeply and be frightened at the same time.
G.K Chesterton used to say that “taking things lightly” was the most
spiritually advanced thing you could do to improve your effectiveness in
life.
“After all,” said Chesterton; “it’s because God’s angels take themselves
so lightly that they are able to fly. And if His angels take themselves
that lightly, imagine how much more lightly He takes Himself.”
My friend Fred Knipe is a three-time Emmy award-winning television
writer who also performs as a comedian in the character of “Dr. M.F.
Ludiker”—world expert on everything. Fred is one of the funniest
human beings I have ever known. He never fails to lighten me up, no
matter how big the problem I have.
Dr. Ludiker mounts the stage and puts his ludicrous “Ludiker Institute”
logo in front of the podium—a logo that features a cartoon human brain
hanging between two electrical towers. He then proceeds to give, in a
mild Teutonic accent, his “advice from hell.”
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“With the increase in domestic violence,” the doctor says, “I am
advocating that home appliance manufacturers begin installing airbags.”
On the subject of our growing intolerance of crime, he
says—”Criminals, among the most deeply tense in our communities, will
soon have trouble recruiting top people because they can no longer
escape the sense that there is resentment building about what they do
for a living.”
“It was inevitable,” he observes, “that genetic engineering would come
from a generation that played Mr. Potato Head.”
Knipe’s editing of my writing also causes me to lighten up. (While
making helpful handwritten notes on the manuscript for this book, he
recommended that I refer to the Lakota shaman Lame Deer as “Super
Shaman Lame Deer.”)
While going through my recovery from a frightening disease that
featured, at one point, uncontrolled bleeding, he left me a comforting
phone message that said, “Don’t worry about the bleeding. It’s normal
for someone your age.”
Fred shares my long-held belief that humor is the highest form of
creativity. It’s the hardest to produce and the most enjoyable to receive.
Humor, like all other creativity, is a matter of making unusual
combinations. The more surprising the combination, the funnier the
humor.
Your own motivational level will always be lifted by humor. Any time
you are stuck, ask yourself to take things lightly. Ask yourself to come
up with some funny solutions. Laughter will destroy all limits to your
thinking. When you are laughing, you are open to anything.
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77. Serve and grow rich
One good way to motivate yourself is by increasing the flow of money
into your life.
Most people are embarrassed to even think this way. They don’t want to
“think and grow rich” because they think they will be thought of as
selfish or greedy. Or maybe they still believe in the thoroughly
discredited Marxist economic superstition that to make money, you
have to take it away from somebody else. Or else they don’t want to
come across as being obsessed with money.
But do you know who is really obsessed with money? People who don’t
have any. They obsess about money all day long. It’s in their family
discussions, it’s in their minds at night, and it becomes a destructive part
of their relationships during the day.
The best way not to be obsessed with money is to trust your game plan
for earning your way to financial freedom. “Our first duty,” said George
Bernard Shaw, “is not to be poor.”
The road to not being poor always travels through your professional
relationships in life. The more you serve those relationships, the more
productive those relationships will become, and the more money you
will make.
“Money is life energy that we exchange and use as a result of the
service we provide to the universe,” wrote Deepak Chopra in Creating
Affluence. When you understand that money flows from service, you
have a chance to understand something even more valuable:
Unexpectedly large amounts of money come from unexpectedly large
degrees of service.
The way to generate unexpected service to the people in your life is to
ask yourself, “What do they expect?” Once you’re clear on what that is,
then ask, “What
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can I do that they would not expect?” It’s always the unexpected service
that gets talked about. And it’s always getting talked about that
increases your professional value.
As Napoleon Hill repeatedly pointed out, great wealth comes from the
habit of going the extra mile. And it is always a smart business move to
do a little more than you are paid for.
It is almost impossible to enjoy a life of self-motivation when you’re
worried about money. Don’t be embarrassed about giving this subject a
great deal of thought. Thinking about money a little bit in advance frees
you from having to always think about it later. Allow yourself to link
financial well-being with an increased capacity for compassion for
others. If I am living in poverty, how much love and attention can I give
to my children or my fellow humans? How much help can I be if I, for
sheer lack of creative planning, am always worried about being in debt?
“Poverty is no disgrace,” said Napoleon Hill. “But it is certainly not a
recommendation.”
78. Make a list of your life
Never hesitate to sit down with yourself and make lists. The more you
write things down, the more you can dictate your own future. There is
an unfortunate myth that lists make things trivial. But lists do the
opposite—they make things come alive.
I have a friend who made a list of all the positive things about himself
that he could think of. He listed every characteristic and
accomplishment that he could remember in his life that he was proud of.
He keeps the list in his briefcase, and says he often reads through it
when he’s feeling down.
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“By seeing all those things written down, and letting myself read them
one at a time, I can change my entire attitude from being discouraged to
feeling positive about myself,” he says.
Writing lists of goals and objectives is also a powerful self-motivator.
It’s one thing to go into a meeting mentally briefed on what you want to
accomplish, but you’ll feel even stronger having written it out. There is
something about writing something down that makes it more real to the
right side of your brain.
My friend Fred Knipe sometimes travels to Phoenix to spend a day
talking with me. We’ve been close friends since college and share an
unorthodox sense of humor. Our meetings together are anything but
structured. We free-associate and talk about everything under the sun.
Yet, I notice that he’ll often arrive with a list.
In the days prior to our meeting, he’ll jot down subjects he wants to be
sure he remembers to talk to me about while we are together. And it’s
because our conversations are so free-form that the list is valuable for
him. He doesn’t ever have to call me back the next day and try to
discuss something over the phone that would have been much better
discussed in person.
If you’ve ever tried grocery shopping for a large event without a
shopping list, you are aware of the nightmare it can be. Most people
have learned not to shop that way. I’ve learned by hard experience that
it can mean additional trips to the store to pick up forgotten items.
Yet why is it that people don’t apply that same principle to their lives?
Most people take more time planning a picnic than they do planning a
life. Because they know that if they don’t make a list and forget the hot
dog buns as a result, they are going to be called an idiot by someone.
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But isn’t a life as important as a picnic?
Start by listing all the things you would like to do before you die. Keep
the list somewhere handy, where you can look at it and add to it.
Then list the people in your life you want to remain close to and stay in
touch with. Friendship is so precious, why let it be forgotten? It sounds
silly to make a list of your friends, but you’ll be surprised at how it
reminds you who’s important and motivates you to stay in touch.
My friend Terry Hill, the writer, is one of the greatest list-makers of all
time. He has a list of every book he has ever read, every poem he’s
read, and many more things I don’t even know about. It gives his life a
sense of history, depth, and direction.
We don’t have to wait to become famous so that someone else might
write our history. We can be writing our history while it happens.
And when we list our goals, we’re writing our history before it happens.
When legendary advertising executive David Ogilvy started his
advertising agency, by making a list of the clients that he most wanted
—General Foods, Lever Brothers, Bristol Myers, Campbell Soup
Company, and Shell Oil. At the time, they were the biggest advertising
accounts in the world, and he had none of them. But in a sense he did
have them, because they were in his list.
“It took time,” said Ogilvy, “but in due course I got them all.”
A goal gains power when you write it down, and more power every time
you write it down.
What motivates you most in life ought to be in your own handwriting.
People all too often look for motivation in what others have written. If
you become a good
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list-maker, you will learn how to motivate yourself by what you’ve
written.
79. Set a specific power goal
Most people are surprised to learn that the reason they’re not getting
what they want in life is because their goals are too small. And too
vague. And therefore have no power.
Your goals will never be reached if they fail to excite your imagination.
What really excites the imagination is the setting of a large and specific
power goal.
Usually, a goal is just a goal. But a power goal is a goal that takes on a
huge reality. It lives and breathes. It provides motivational energy. It
gets you up in the morning. You can taste it, smell it, and feel it. You’ve
got it clearly pictured in your mind. You’ve got it written down. And
you love writing it down because every time you do it fills you with
clarity of purpose.
In his audiotape series, “Visioneering,” my old partner Dennis Deaton
teaches the transforming power of lofty goals. Deaton talks about
creating a “mental movie” that you watch as often as possible. He urges
you to make it a movie that stars you—living the results of achieving
your specific goal.
Walt Disney left us many great things: Disneyland, Walt Disney World,
great animated films, and Annette Funicello. But what I believe was his
greatest gift was the summing up he did of his life’s work: “If you can
dream it,” he said, “you can do it.”
A power goal is a dream with a deadline. The deadline itself motivates
you. People who have created power goals start living on purpose. They
know what they’re up to in life.
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How can you tell if you’ve got a big enough and real enough power
goal? Simply observe the effect your goal has on you. It’s not what a
goal is that matters; it’s what a goal does.
80. Change yourself first
Don’t change other people. It doesn’t work. You’ll waste your life trying.
Many of us spend all our time trying to change the people in our lives.
We think we can change them in ways that will make them better
equipped to make us happy. This is especially true of our children. We
talk to our children for hours about how we think they should change.
But children don’t learn from what we say. They learn from what we do.
Today’s children, upon hearing us talk to them about how they should
change will often say, “Yeah, right.” I think they got this phrase from
Bart Simpson. It’s shorthand for “I’m not listening to what you say, I’m
listening to what you do.”
Gandhi was especially tuned in to the futility of changing other people.
Yet Gandhi was probably responsible for more change in people than
any other person in our era was. How did he do it? He had a profoundly
simple formula. People would often come to Gandhi to ask how they
could change others. Someone would say, “I agree with you about
nonviolence, but there are others who don’t. How do I change them?”
And Gandhi told them they couldn’t. He said you couldn’t change other
people.
“You must be the change you wish to see in others,” said Gandhi. In my
own seminars, I probably use that one quotation more than any other. I
am always asked,
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“How can I change my husband?” Or, “How can I change my wife?” Or,
“How can I change my teenager?”
People who take the seminars on self-motivation, at some point during
the workshop, agree completely with the principles and ideas. Then,
they start to think about the people who don’t buy in. In the questionand-
answer period, their questions are about those poor people. How do
we change them? I always quote Gandhi. Be the change you wish to see
in others.
By being what you want them to be, you lead by inspiration. Nobody
really wants to be taught by lectures and advice. They want to be led
through inspiration.
Sales managers often ask me how they can get a certain salesperson to
do more self-motivated activities. I tell them that they have to be the
salesperson they want to see. Take them on a call, I say, and let them
watch you. Don’t tell them how to do it, inspire them to do it.
I once attended a concert given by my daughter’s fourth-grade chorus,
which sang a song called “Let There Be Peace on Earth.” The song’s
words went, “Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me….” I
beamed when I heard it. It was such a beautiful expression of being the
change—a celebration of self-responsibility that rarely is portrayed in
young people’s lives today.
What you tell people to do often goes right by them. Who you are does
not.
81. Pin your life down
Car dealer extraordinaire Henry Brown once told me a story about his
son, a high school wrestler. His boy had been getting only fair results as
a wrestler that year and when Henry talked to him about it he learned
the reason.
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Henry’s son entered each wrestling match more than thoroughly
prepared to counter anything his opponent tried.
But no matter how gifted Henry’s son was at countering moves,
countering was still countering, so the other wrestler always dictated the
tempo. Finally, Henry suggested to his son that he try entering a
wrestling match with his own attack plan—a series of moves that he
would initiate no matter what his opponent tried.
The boy agreed, and the results were remarkable. He began winning
match after match, pinning opponent after opponent.
The young wrestler’s goal had always been to win. He didn’t have a
problem setting goals. But what had to be added was a plan of action. In
sports, as in life, goals alone aren’t always enough. As Nathaniel
Branden says, “A goal without an action plan is a daydream.”
Henry Brown didn’t just give that advice to his son because he bought
into it theoretically. His own Brown and Brown Chevrolet dealership
has many times been the number one Chevy dealership in the nation
because he plans his company’s own yearly performance in the same
way he coached his son.
Every year he has his general manager send me the detailed videotape
that outlines the dealership’s game plan for the coming year. It includes
all the department’s projected earnings down to the penny. By boldly
charting such a specific course, Brown lets the market respond to him.
Once, when I asked him how his dealership got through a previous
year’s nationwide automotive sales recession he said, “We decided not
to participate in it.”
Before any adventure, take time to plan. Design your own plan of
attack. Don’t just counter what some other
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wrestler is doing. Let life respond to you. If you’re making all the first
moves, you’ll be surprised at how often you can pin life down.
82. Take no for a question
Don’t take no for an answer. Take it for a question. Make the word no
mean this question: “Can’t you be more creative than that?”
In my seminars I work with a lot of salespeople and one of the most
requested topics of discussion is “cold-calling and rejection.” One of the
greatest problems salespeople, and people everywhere, face is in the
meaning they give to someone else’s no. Many people hear no as an
absolute, final, and devastating personal rejection. But no can mean
anything you want it to mean.
When I graduated from college with a degree in English, I was not
overwhelmed with companies trying to hire me. Most people already
speak English. So I decided to try to get a job as a sports writer at the
daily evening paper in Tucson, Arizona, The Tucson Citizen. I had spent
four years in the army, and I hadn’t done any sportswriting since high
school.
When I applied for the job, I was told that my major problem was that I
had never done any professional sportswriting before. It was the typical
situation of a company not being able to hire you because you haven’t
had experience—but how can you gain experience if no one will hire
you?
My first impulse was to take no to be their final answer. After all, that’s
what they said it was. But I finally decided to have no mean—”Can’t
you be more creative than that?”
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So I went home to think and plot my next move. The reason they
wouldn’t hire me was because I had no experience. When I asked them
why that was important, they smiled and said, “We have no way of
knowing for sure whether you can write sports. Just being an English
major isn’t enough.”
Then it hit me. Their real problem wasn’t my lack of experience—it was
their lack of knowledge. They didn’t know whether I could write well
enough. So I set out to solve their problem for them. I began to write
them letters. I knew they were interviewing four other people for the
position and that they would decide within a month. Every day I wrote
a letter to the sports editor, the late Regis McAuley (an award-winning
writer in his own right, who made his reputation in Cleveland before
coming to Tucson).
My letters were long and expressive. I made them as creative and clever
as I could, commenting on the sports news of the day, and letting them
know how great a fit I thought I was for their staff.
After a month, Mr. McAuley called me and said that they had narrowed
it down to two candidates, and I was one of them. Would I come in for
a final interview? I was so excited, I nearly swallowed the phone.
When my interview was coming to an end (I was the second one in),
McAuley had one last question for me.
“Let me ask you something, Steve,” he said. “If we hire you, will you
promise that you’ll stop sending me those endless letters?”
I said I would stop, and then he laughed and said, “Then you’re hired.
You can start Monday.”
McAuley later told me that the letters did the trick.
“First of all, they showed me that you could write,” he said. “And
second of all, they proved to me that you wanted the position more than
the other candidates did.”
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When you ask for something in professional life and it is denied to you,
imagine that the no you heard is really a question: “Can’t you be more
creative than that?” Never accept no at face value. Let rejection
motivate you to get more creative.
83. Take the road to somewhere
Energy comes from purpose. If the left side of your brain tells the right
side of your brain that there’s a sufficient crisis, the right side sends you
energy, sometimes superhuman energy.
That’s why there’s such a difference between people who set and
achieve goals all day, and people who just do whatever comes up, or
whatever they feel like doing. To one person, there is always added
purpose. To the other, there is boredom and confusion, the two greatest
robbers of energy.
Knowing what you’re up to, and why you’re up to it, gives you the
energy to self-motivate. Not knowing your purpose drains you of all
motivation.
We’ve all heard the stories of the diminutive mother who, seeing that
her small child was trapped, lifted a tremendously heavy object, such as
a car, so the child could be freed. When asked to repeat the superhuman
feat later, of course the woman couldn’t do it.
Being a single father has put me in touch with the dramatic connection
between purpose and energy. If I am cooking something, for example,
and out of the corner of my eye I can see flames emerging from the
kitchen, it is amazing how fast I can move from the living room into the
kitchen. Crisis creates instant purpose, which creates instant energy.
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The “He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother” idea is based on purpose. When
our purpose is great, so is our strength and energy.
“But, I don’t know what my purpose is,” a lot of people tell me, as if
someone forgot to tell them what it is. Those people may wait forever to
be told how to live and what to live for.
There can only be two reasons why you don’t know your purpose: 1)
you don’t talk to yourself; and 2) you don’t know where purpose comes
from. (You think purpose comes from outside yourself instead of from
within.)
Purposeful people know how to go deep into their own spirit and talk to
themselves about why they exist, and what they want to do with the gift
of life.
“Only human beings have come to a point where they no longer know
why they exist,” said the Lakota shaman Lame Deer. “They don’t use
their brains and they have forgotten the secret knowledge of their
bodies, their senses, or their dreams.”
Lame Deer is not optimistic about what the future holds for people who
live without purpose.
“They don’t use the knowledge the spirit has put into every one of
them,” he says. “They are not even aware of this, and so they stumble
along blindly on the road to nowhere—a paved highway that they
themselves bulldoze and make smooth so that they can get faster to the
big empty hole that they’ll find at the end, waiting to swallow them up.
It’s a quick, comfortable superhighway, but I know where it leads. I’ve
seen it. I’ve been there in my vision and it makes me shudder to think
about it.”
Purpose can be built, strengthened, and made more inspiring every day.
We are totally responsible for our own sense of purpose. We can go
inside our own spirit
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and create it, or not. The energy of our lives is wholly dependent on
how much purpose we’re willing to create.
84. Go on a news fast
I first heard the phrase “news fast” from Dr. Andrew Weil, who writes
about natural medicine and spontaneous healing. Weil recommends
going on news fasts because he believes this has a healing effect on the
human system. To him, it’s a genuine health issue.
My own recommendation for news fasts has to do with the psychology
of self-motivation. If you go for periods of time without listening to or
reading the news, you will notice an upswing in your optimism about
life. You’ll feel a lift in energy.
“But shouldn’t I stay informed?” people ask me. “Aren’t I being a bad
citizen if I don’t keep up with what’s happening in my community?
Shouldn’t I be watching the news?”
In answer to this question, I offer an observation that may startle you:
The news is no longer the news.
It used to be that Walter Cronkite would end his program by saying,
“And that’s the way it is.” And we trusted that he was right. But today,
it’s much different. Shock value has the highest premium of all for a
news story, and the lines are now blurred between the evening news and
the grossest tabloids. Tom Brokaw is as likely to lead his show with a
story about a woman cutting off her husband’s private parts as is The
National Enquirer.
Today, the goal of the person putting the evening news show together is
to stimulate our emotions in as many ways as possible. Every night we
will see human suffering. We will also see con artists, and even whole
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companies getting away with scams that victimize people cruelly. If
there’s a report on politics, it features the most venomous attacks
between two partisans.
The goal of the news today is stimulation. It’s to take us on an emotional
roller-coaster ride. It’s a “good” program if we have been enraged by
one story, saddened by another, and amused by at the third.
Is it any wonder that by programming our minds with this gross and
frightening information all day and into the night, we end up a little less
motivated? Is it hard to understand a certain slippage in our optimism?
Going on a news fast is a refreshing cure for this problem. You can do it
for one day a week, to begin with, and then get back into the tabloid
shows the next day if you have to. Once you start fasting, you’ll find
your entire mood picking up.
“But what about staying informed?” you ask. There are many ways to
stay fully informed. The Internet has wonderful, thoughtful sites. In
fact, it is far better to be informed intellectually than to be informed
emotionally. There are weekly and monthly magazines as well as e-zines
that do a fine job of informing us and giving us a calm, thoughtful,
overall perspective of the news.
Don’t worry about missing out on important news. Really big news, like
a war, a natural disaster, or an assassination will get to you just as
quickly during a news fast as it would if you were watching the news.
Begin to experiment with news fasts today. Go on a short one at first,
and then extend the periods of time as your system allows. When you
do return to the news, be totally conscious of just what the show is
trying to do to you. Don’t passively take it in as if what you are seeing is
really “the way it is.” It’s not. They’re not going to tell you how many
thousands of planes landed safely today.
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85. Replace worry with action
Don’t worry. Or rather, don’t just worry. Let worry change into action.
When you find yourself worrying about something, ask yourself the
action question, “What can I do about this right now?”
And then do something. Anything. Any small thing.
Most of my life, I spent my time asking myself the wrong question
every time I worried. I asked myself, “What should I be feeling about
this?” I finally discovered that I was much happier when I started
asking, instead, “What can I do about this?”
If I am worried about the conversation I had with my wife last night,
and how unfair I might have been to say the things I said, I can ask
myself, “What can I do about that right now?”
By putting the question into the action arena, a lot of possibilities will
occur to me: 1) I could send her flowers; or 2) I could call her to tell her
I was concerned about how I left things; or 3) I could leave a nice little
note somewhere for her; or 4) I could go see her to make things right.
All of these possibilities are actions, and when I act on something, the
worry goes away.
We often hear the phrase “worry it to death.” But that phrase doesn’t
reflect what really happens when we worry. It would be great if we
could worry something to death. When it dies, we could dispose of the
body and be done with it.
But when we worry, we don’t worry a thing to death, we worry it to life.
Our worrying makes the problem grow. And most of the time, we worry
it into a grotesque kind of life, a kind of Frankenstein’s monster that
frightens us beyond all reason.
I once came up with a system for action that helped turn my worrying
habits completely around. I would list
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the five things that I was worried about—perhaps they were four
projects at work and the fifth was my son’s trouble he was having with a
certain teacher. I would then decide to spend five minutes on each
problem doing something, anything. By deciding this, I knew I was
committing myself to 25 minutes of activity. No more. So it didn’t feel at
all overwhelming.
Then I could make a game of it. On project one, a seminar workbook
deadline for a new course, I’d spend five minutes writing it. Maybe I
only got the first two pages done, but it felt great. It felt like I’d finally
started it.
Then on item number two, a meeting I knew I had to have with a client
over a sticky contract issue, I would call his office and schedule the
meeting and put it in my calendar. That, too, felt good.
My third worry, a stack of correspondence I needed to answer, I would
take five minutes sorting and stacking and putting them into a folder
that was separate from the other clutter on my desk. That felt satisfying,
too. The fourth item was a travel arrangement that had to be worked
out. I’d take no more than five minutes looking at my calendar and
leaving a voice mail for my travel agent to fax me some alternatives on
the trip.
Finally, on the matter of my son, I would pull out a piece of paper and
write a short letter to his teacher expressing my concern for him, my
support of her efforts, and my desire to arrange a meeting quickly, so all
three of us could sit down together and make some agreements.
All of that took 25 minutes. And the five things that were worrying me
the most were no longer worrying me. I could then go back anytime
later and work them to completion.
If something is worrying you, always do something about it. It doesn’t
have to be the big thing that will
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make it disappear. It can be any small thing. But the positive effect it
will have on you will be enormous.
A friend of mine was worried about her cat, which had some mild
symptoms of illness, but nothing that looked severe enough to take the
cat to the veterinarian. She also thought the symptoms were so subtle
that they might not be easy to describe to the vet, but still she worried.
She brought the subject up two or three more times before I finally said
to her, “You must do something.”
“That’s just the problem, there’s nothing to do,” she said.
“Take some kind of action,” I said. “Call the vet and talk to him.”
“That doesn’t make sense because the vet wouldn’t know anything from
what I told him, and he’d probably ask me to take her in to see him, and
I know it’s not that serious,” she said.
“Yes, I understand,” I said, “But you should take the action for you, not
for the cat or the vet. By not doing anything you’re keeping yourself
trapped in worrying.”
“Okay,” she said. “I see what you mean.”
When she called the vet, to her surprise, the vet was able to make a
good assessment of what was wrong. He recommended that she bring
the cat in, and if it was what he thought it was, he could give her
something to clear it up right away.
Anything that worries you should be acted on, not just thought about.
Don’t be scared about the action; you can make it very small and easy,
as long as you take an action. Even small actions will chase away your
fears. Fear has a hard time coexisting with action. When there’s action,
there’s no fear. When there’s fear, there’s no action.
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The next time you’re worried about something, ask yourself, “What
small thing can I do right now?” Then do it. Remember not to ask,
“What could I possibly do to make this whole thing go away?” That
question does not get you into action at all.
Acting on your worries frees you up for other things. It removes fear
and uncertainty from your life and puts you back in control of creating
what you want. Just do it.
86. Run with the thinkers
The president of a major office equipment company put his problem to
me this way: “How do I get the whiners in my company to stop whining
and start coming up with solutions?”
He went on to explain that he had two kinds of people working for him,
the Whiners and the Thinkers.
The Whiners were often very smart and dedicated employees who
worked long, hard hours. But when they came into the manager’s office,
it was almost always to complain.
“They’re great at finding fault with other managers and telling me what’s
wrong with our systems,” the president said, “but they are a drain on me
because they’re so negative that I end up trying to make them feel
better. After that, I’m depressed.”
The Thinkers, on the other hand, had a different way of coming into the
office with problems.
“The Thinkers come to me with ideas,” he said. “They see the same
problems that the Whiners see, but they’ve already thought about
possible solutions.”
The Thinkers, in other words, have assumed ownership of the company,
and are creating the future of the company with their thinking. The
Whiners have stopped
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thinking. Once the problems are identified, and their reaction to them
justified, the thinking stops.
The Thinkers have taken their reaction to the company’s problems past
their emotions, and into their minds. And because they have formulated
some solutions, the nature of their meeting with the manager is creative.
It’s a brainstorming meeting. The manager enjoys these meetings
because they stimulate his mind, too. Both parties leave the meeting
feeling energized intellectually, and the manager looks forward to future
meetings with the Thinkers.
The Whiners have left their reaction to their company’s problems down
at the emotional level. They express resentment, fear, and worry. The
manager’s problem in such a meeting is that he deals primarily with
those emotions, so he finishes the meeting with his own sense of
discouragement.
When you are committed to self-motivation as a way of life, you will
fall into the realm of the Thinker. Your thinking not only creates your
motivation, but it creates your relationships, your family, and the
organization you work for as well, because they are all a part of you.
You are more valuable to your organization with this orientation to
thinking, and you’re more valuable to yourself.
87. Put more enjoyment in
There is a huge difference between pleasure and enjoyment. And when
we’re absolutely clear about the difference, we can grow much faster
toward a focused and energized life.
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi best describes this difference in his various
books on “flow”—the psychological
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state that we get in when time disappears and we are thoroughly
engaged in what we’re doing.
Csikszentmihalyi distinguishes what we do for pleasure (routine sex,
eating, drinking, etc.) from what we do for enjoyment. Enjoyment is
deeper. Enjoyment always involves the use of a skill and the facing of a
challenge. So sailing, gardening, painting, bowling, golfing, cooking, and
any such activity involving skills meeting a challenge constitute
enjoyment.
People who get clear on that difference begin to put more enjoyment
into their lives. They reach the happy and fulfilled psychological state
known as “flow.” Increasing their skills and seeking challenges to
engage those skills are what lead to an enjoyable life.
There are many stories and accounts about the winners of lotteries who
are jubilant when they win, but whose lives descend into a nightmare
after acquiring that unearned money. (No challenge, no skill.) The
lottery looks like “the answer” to people because they associate money
with pleasure. But the true enjoyment of money comes in part from the
earning of it, which involves skill and challenge.
Watching television is usually done for pleasure. That’s why so few
people can remember (or make use of) any of the 30 hours of television
they have watched in the past week. In watching television, there is no
combination of skill and challenge.
Contrast that dull pleasure hangover we get from watching television
with what happens when we spend the same amount of time preparing
for a big Thanksgiving dinner for friends and relatives. In looking back,
we remember quite vividly the entire Thanksgiving endeavor.
One of the most inspirational people I know of is Martha Stewart. She
personifies mastery of the concept
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of enjoyment. Her magazines and videotapes celebrate cooking,
gardening, and home entertainment skills. Her own contagious
enthusiasm for the things she enjoys and teaches others makes her, in
my opinion, one of today’s true heroes of optimism. If you’re feeling like
you have forgotten how to enjoy your own home, yard, and kitchen,
buy one of her videotapes and allow her to inspire you.
You can increase your own self-motivation by learning to be more
aware of the profound difference between enjoyment and mere
pleasure.
88. Keep walking
Ever since I was a child, I had a recurring dream that I began each day
facing a mattress. The more I pushed into this mattress before my day
began, the more the indentation went in, and the more saved-up the
sprung energy of the mattress got. The more the mattress was indented
with my pushing at the start of the day, the higher it would spring up
when I lay down on it to sleep at night.
I would lie down on this mattress at night and see how high my dreams
would fly me. How high I flew would always depend on the
indentations I gave the mattress during the day. The impressions I gave
it. How impressive I was. The difference I made.
So then after thinking about that dream the other day I decided to step
up my walking. I decided that the recurring dream was the way my
subconscious chose to tell me something vital. Something about the
difference walking made. Something about oxygen being pushed into
my system.
Walking would be an action I could take while wide-awake. Walking
would drive more oxygen into my lungs.
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I would become more like the great football coach Amos Alonzo Stagg,
who lived to be 103 years old. Amos Alonzo Stagg was asked how he
lived to be so old (the average life expectancy during his lifetime was
65) and he said, “I have, for the greater part of my life, indulged in
running and other vigorous exercise that forced large amounts of
oxygen into my body.”
I increased my walking just to see what would happen if my lungs
became my mattress. I began to get happier. I began to enjoy life more.
I began to be more motivated.
As I walked, I wondered: What if the spirit lives as an aura around us?
What if the spirit were a cloud of energy that exists around and outside
our bodies ready at all times to be breathed in? Drawn right into the
soul?
What if when you breathed deeply, you pulled in your own spirit? And
you received energy for action—energy for an explosive take-down of
one of your out-of-control problems.
What if the solution to problems outside you was inside you?
Deepak Chopra quotes an ancient anonymous Indian sage as identifying
humanity’s near-fatal superstition: “You believe that you live in the
universe when in reality the universe lives in you.”
Many modern scientific books are now referring to the human brain as
the “three-pound universe.” When the body moves, so does the mind.
So does that inner world. When you’re walking, you are organizing your
mind whether you want to be or not.
Soon we realize that the mind and the body are connected. When the
Greeks said the secret to a happy life was a sound mind in a sound
body, they were on to a powerful truth.
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I try to talk myself out of that truth many times a week. I’m too tired to
exercise. I have an injury. I haven’t had enough sleep. I should listen to
my body! I would be short-changing my children of the important time
they need with me if I selfishly went out for my long walk.
But I am always better off if I choose the walk. I am even better at
relating to my children, because walking takes me to the soul.
That’s why I can’t leave it out. I can’t pretend it has nothing to do with
this subject, because it’s how I pull the truth to me. I pull the globe
around toward me under my feet by walking. As the world turns, the
lies leak out of my mind, into space. As the body becomes sound, so
does the mind. It’s true.
And the songs in my head keep the rhythm of the walk going: Fats
Domino. Ricky Nelson. Ten Years After. I’m walkin’. Yes indeed. I’m
goin’ home.
There is something about walking that combines opposites. Opposites:
activity and relaxation. (This very paradox is what creates whole-brain
thinking.) Opposites: out in the world and solitude. (Alone, but out there
walking.)
This combining of opposites activates the harmony I need between the
right and left brain, between the adult and the child, between the higher
self and the animal. Great solutions appear. Truth becomes beauty.
You have your own walking available to you, too. Yes indeed. It might
be dancing or swimming or running or racquetball or boxing or aerobics,
but it’s all the same thing. It’s all a way of moving the body around like a
merry plaything and oxygenating the spirit in the process.
89. Read more mysteries
My great friend and editor Kathy Eimers, to whom I first dedicated this
book, and later married, has always
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been a devoted reader of mystery novels. When I first met her, I
thought, “How curious that someone so intelligent would be reading
mystery novels all the time.”
It was especially interesting to me because Kathy is one of the most
literate people I’d ever met, a quick thinker and a skilled professional
writer and editor. Her editing of my books had been the one thing, in my
opinion, that gave them the sparkle that people said they enjoyed.
In my own ignorance, I assumed mystery novels were pretty light fare.
Hardly a challenge to the human mind. Now I’ve begun to change my
mind. Not only am I peeking into some of the mystery books she has
recommended (I’ve enjoyed Agatha Christie and Colin Dexter), but I’ve
begun to find out more about what good mystery does to the intellectual
energy of the human mind.
Kathy has one of the most creative and energetic problem-solving minds
I’ve ever encountered. I constantly marvel at her mental energy and
perception because it stays clear and sharp—all day, and long into the
night. I would often find my own mental acuity descending the
evolutionary ladder as night approached, while hers stayed alive and
creative.
The person with the highest IQ ever measured—Marilyn Vos Savant
—recommends mystery novels as brain builders.
“Not only is this exercise fun, but it’s good for you,” she says. “I’m not
talking about violent thrillers, or police procedural novels, but instead
I’m directing you to those elegant, clue-filled, intelligent mysteries
solved by drawing conclusions, not guns.”
Vos Savant sees the reading of mysteries as something that leads to a
stronger intelligence.
“If you try to keep one step ahead of the detective in an Agatha Christie
or a Josephine Tey or a P.D. James
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mystery novel, it will sharpen your intuition,” she writes in Brain
Building. “The Sherlock Holmes stories by Arthur Conan Doyle never
go out of favor, and rightly so. Holmes’s methods are brain-builders
brought to life.”
When people think of personal transformation, they don’t normally
think they can strengthen their own intelligence. IQ is something our
cultural attitudes have always said we’re born with and stuck with. But
Vos Savant, whose IQ was measured at 230 (the average adult IQ is
100), believes strongly that the brain can be built as surely and as
quickly as the muscles of the body.
So the next time you feel like curling up with a good mystery, don’t feel
guilty or nonproductive. It might be the most productive thing you’ve
done all day.
90. Think your way up
In some of my seminars I like to draw a picture of a ladder on the board
and call it “the ladder of selves.”
On the very bottom I write “The Physical,” in the middle I put “The
Emotional,” and at the top I place “The Mind.” We can move up or
down this ladder by the sheer force of will, although most people don’t
know they have that option.
By traveling up the ladder, past the physical, through the emotional, and
into your mind, you have the opportunity to be creative and thoughtful.
You can see possibilities.
Many of us, however, never get past the emotional section of the
ladder. When we’re stuck there, we begin thinking with our feelings
instead of thinking with our minds.
If you hurt my feelings, and I’m angry and resentful, I might give you a
long and eloquent speech about what’s
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wrong with you and how you operate. But, because I’m thinking with
my feelings instead of my mind, I’m destroying something with my
speech instead of creating an understanding.
People do this without knowing it. They let their emotions speak for
them, instead of their thoughts. So what you hear is fear, anger, sadness,
or other emotions put to words, but never creating anything.
If you can picture this ladder inside of you, and start to notice that you
are letting your feelings do your thinking and speaking, you can move
up. You can get creative and really think and then speak. As Emmet
Fox says, “Love is always creative and fear is always destructive.”
Go ahead and feel your feelings. But when it’s time to talk, let your
mind into the conversation. Your mind is what motivates you to your
highest performance, not your feelings.
91. Exploit your weakness
Make a list of your strengths and your weaknesses on separate pieces of
paper. Place the list of strengths somewhere where you’ll see it again,
because it will always pick you up.
Now look at your list of weaknesses and study them for a while. Stay
with them until you feel no shame or guilt about them. Allow them to
become interesting characteristics, instead of negative traits. Ask
yourself how each characteristic could be useful to you. That’s not what
we usually ask about our weaknesses, but that’s my whole point.
When I was a boy I remember watching a remarkable tap dancer by the
name of “Peg Leg Bates” on the Ed Sullivan show. Bates had lost his
leg early in life, a
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circumstance that would lead most people to give up any dreams of
becoming a professional dancer.
But to Bates, losing a leg was not a weakness for long. He made it his
strength. He put a tap at the bottom of his peg leg and developed an
amazing syncopated tap-dancing style. Obviously, he stood apart from
other dancers in auditions, and it wasn’t long before his weakness
became his strength.
Master fund-raiser Michael Bassoff has dazzled the development world
by turning unappreciated staff members into great fund-raisers. He, too,
likes people’s weaknesses, because he knows that they can be turned
into strengths. If there is a “shy” secretary in the development office
he’s working with, he turns that person into the staff’s “best listener.”
Soon donors can’t wait to talk to that person because she listens so well
and makes people feel so important.
When Arnold Schwarzenegger became a professional actor, he had a
weakness: his thick Austrian accent. It wasn’t long, however, before
Arnold incorporated his accent into the charm of his action-hero
personality on the screen, and a former weakness became a strength.
His accent became an identifying part of his character, and people
everywhere began imitating it.
One of my weaknesses early in life was my difficulty in talking to
people. I had no confidence in my ability to speak and converse, so I
got in the habit of writing people letters and notes. After a while I got so
practiced with it that I turned it into a strength. My letter writing and
thank-you notes have created many relationships for me that would not
have been created if I’d just focused on my shyness as a weakness.
I have four children, but I didn’t begin having children until I was 35
years old. For a long time I saw myself as being “older than normal” to
be a father. I worried
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about it. I wondered if my son or daughters would be uncomfortable
with a father so old. And then I realized that this didn’t have to be a
weakness. I thought about who I was when I was 25, and what a
difficult time I would have had being a good father back then. Soon I
took this “weakness” to be a great strength.
Then one day while watching The Little Mermaid with my kids, I saw
myself as the father in that movie—vigorous, strong, and wise, with
flowing white hair. It was the perfect image. I now see my age as a
major strength in raising my kids. The only “weakness” was in the way I
was looking at it.
There isn’t anything on your weakness list that can’t be a strength for
you if you think about it long enough. The problem is, our weaknesses
embarrass us. But embarrassment is not real thinking. Once we really
start thinking about our weaknesses they can become strengths, and
creative possibilities emerge.
92. Try becoming the problem
Whatever type of problem you are facing, the most self-motivational
exercise I know of is to immediately say to yourself, “I am the
problem.”
Because once you see yourself as the problem, you can see yourself as
the solution.
This insight was dramatically described by James Belasco in Flight of
the Buffalo.
“This is the insight I realized early and return to often,” he wrote, “In
most situations, I am the problem. My mentalities, my pictures, my
expectations, form the biggest obstacle to my success.”
By seeing ourselves as victims of our problems, we lose the power to
solve them. We shut down creativity
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when we declare the source of the trouble to be outside of us. However,
once we say, “I am the problem,” there is great power that shifts from
the outside to the inside. Now we can become the solution.
You can use this process the same way a detective uses a premise to
clarify the crime scene. If the detective says, “What if there were two
murderers, not one?” she can then think in a way that reveals new
possibilities. She doesn’t have to prove that there were two murderers in
order to think the problem through as if there were. The same is true
when you become willing always to see yourself as the problem. It is
simply a way to think.
Unfortunately, our society today is in the habit of thinking the opposite
of “I am the problem.” Time magazine even ran a cover story called “A
Nation of Finger Pointers,” that made a powerful and persuasive case
for the fact that we have become a nation of victims who “see the
American dream not as striving fulfilled, but as unachieved
entitlement.”
In The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Branden writes, “To feel
competent to live and worthy of happiness, I need to experience a sense
of control over my existence. This requires that I be willing to take
responsibility for my actions and the attainment of my goals. This means
that I take responsibility for my life and my well-being.”
Before I had realized the full power of a self-motivated life, I spent a lot
of years pointing fingers. If I didn’t have enough money, it was
somebody else’s fault. Even my perceived personality flaws were
somebody else’s fault. “I was never taught that!” I would shout in
exasperation. “No one showed me early in life how to be
self-sufficient!” was a complaint I voiced often.
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But I was avoiding a basic truth: I was the problem. The reason I fought
so hard to avoid that truth was that I never realized it contained good
news. I thought it looked entirely shameful and negative. But once I
discovered that accepting responsibility for the problem also gave me
new power for solving it, I became free.
93. Enlarge your objective
Here is another self-motivator that also must be used as an intellectual
tool only.
Take a certain goal of yours and double it. Or triple it. Or multiply it by
10. And then ask yourself, quite seriously, what you would have to do
to achieve that new goal.
I used this game recently with a friend who holds a position in sales. He
came to see me because he was selling $100,000 worth of product each
month, the most on his team, and wanted to somehow get to $140,000.
I asked him to tell me what it would take for him to sell $200,000 worth
of equipment each month. “$200,000!” he shouted. “That’s impossible.
I’m leading the team already with $100,000, and nobody thought that
could be done.”
“What would you have to do?” I persisted.
“No,” he said. “You don’t understand. I want to hit $140,000 a month,
and even that is so hard I don’t know how I’ll do it.”
I finally told him the theory behind this game.
If you seriously look at an outrageous goal, such as “$200,000,” it will
open things up for you creatively that wouldn’t have opened up if you
stayed looking at $140,000. He nodded slowly and reluctantly agreed to
play along for a while.
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“Okay,” he said. “But remember, we’re talking about something that’s
impossible.”
“Fine,” I said. “But if your life depended on hitting $200,000 next
month, what exactly would you do?”
He laughed and then started listing things as I wrote them down on a flip
pad. After he got through the ridiculous ideas, like stealing other
peoples’ accounts and cooking the books, he began to think of more
ideas. At first it was hard.
“I’d have to be two places at once,” he said. “I’d have to make twice as
many presentations as I’m making. I’d have to present to two clients at
once!”
Then it hit him. All of a sudden he got the idea that he might be able to
stage a large presentation of his product with a number of clients in the
room at one time. “I could rent a room at a hotel and have 20 people in
for coffee and donuts, and I could make a big deal out of it,” he said.
A number of other ideas came to him—ways to combine his cold-calling
with his travel time, ways to utilize e-mail as a sales tool, how to use the
administrative staff better, and ways to expand his contracts so that
they would cover longer periods of time for a higher original fee, but at
a lower overall rate. Idea after idea came to him while I wrote furiously
on the pad.
All of the ideas were a result of his thinking big—”How would I sell
$200,000 if I absolutely had to?”
He surpassed his goal of $140,000 the very next month!
I’ve often used this method for self-motivation with myself. If I have a
goal of signing two seminar contracts in the next three weeks, I’ll often
get out a pad of paper and ask, “How would I get 10 contracts signed in
three weeks?”
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Inflating my goal puts me at a different level of thinking, and because
I’m solving the problem of 10, I always get at least two.
If you want to really get some fresh motivational ideas, try expanding
your goal. Blow it up until it scares you. Then proceed in your thinking
as if it’s a must that you achieve it. Remember that this is just a
self-contained game, not a promise to anyone else. But it’s a game that’s
fun to play because it works.
94. Give yourself flying lessons
We need heroes in our lives. They are not a sign of weakness; they are a
source of strength. “Without heroes,” said Bernard Malamud, “we are
all plain people and we don’t know how far we can go.”
Heroes show us what’s possible for a human being to accomplish.
Therefore, heroes are very useful to anyone who is in the process of
finally understanding self-motivation. But unless we consciously select
our heroes in order to use them as inspiration, we simply end up envying
great people instead of emulating them.
When used properly, a hero can be an enriching source of energy and
inspiration. You don’t have to have just one hero, either. Choose a
number of them. Put their pictures up. Become an expert on their lives.
Collect books about them.
My youngest sister, Cindy, as a shy little girl, always admired Amelia
Earhardt. Not long ago, after she had reached her 30s, she revealed to
me that she had been taking flying lessons. I was stunned! A few weeks
after that, the family went out to a little airport outside of town to watch
her fly her first solo. “I was so scared,” said Cindy, “that my mouth and
throat went completely dry.”
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Flying has nothing to do with what Cindy does for a living—she just
took lessons and learned to pilot a plane because of the impression that
her hero, Amelia Earhardt, made on her as a little girl.
“We grow into that which we admire,” said Emmet Fox.
Before he became a famous author, Napoleon Hill was struggling as a
writer and speaker. He had a friend whose restaurant business was not
doing well and Hill offered to give free motivational speeches at the
restaurant one night a week to help his friend increase his business. The
speeches helped his friend a little, but they helped Hill a lot. He began
to gain a large following.
When I read about that part of Hill’s life, it gave me an idea. At the time
I wanted to be a full-time speaker and I didn’t know where to begin. I’d
done a few seminars and talks here and there, but there was no pattern
or purposeful direction to it. I decided to emulate Hill. I began putting
on a free, open-to-the-public workshop every Thursday night at the
company where I was working as a marketing director.
At first, the workshops were not well attended. I had to spend part of
the week begging people to come. Once the audience was two people!
But week by week the workshop’s reputation grew and my own
experience grew along with it. Soon we had large audiences waiting to
get in on Thursday nights, and I credit that little free workshop with
putting me into full-time public speaking.
Was it an original idea? No, I stole it. I copied a hero of mine. But our
awareness of the choice involving heroes is vital for self-creation. We
can envy them or we can emulate them.
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The best use of heroes is not to just be in awe of them, but to learn
something from them. To let their lives inspire us. They are only people
like we are. What distinguishes them from us is the great levels they’ve
reached in self-motivation. To passively adore them is to insult our own
potential. Instead of looking up to our heroes, it is much more beneficial
to look into them.
95. Hold your vision accountable
“It’s not what a vision is,” says Robert Fritz “it’s what a vision does.”
What does your vision do? Does it give you energy? Does it make you
smile? Does it get you up in the morning? When you’re tired, does it
take you that extra mile? A vision should be judged by these criteria, the
criteria of power and effectiveness. What does it do?
Robert Fritz is widely quoted in Peter Senge’s business masterpiece, The
Fifth Discipline. Fritz is a former musician who has taken the basic
principles of creativity in music composition and applied them to
creating successful professional lives. Life gets good, he argues, when
we get clear on what we want to create.
Most people spend most of their waking hours trying to make problems
go away. This lifelong crusade to solve one’s problems is a negative and
reactive existence. It sells us short and leaves us at the end of life (or at
the end of the day) with, at best, the double-negative feeling of “fewer
problems”!
“There is a profound difference between problem solving and creating,”
Fritz points out in The Path of Least Resistance.
“Problem solving is taking action to have something go away—the
problem. Creating is taking action to have something come into
being—the creation. Most of us
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have been raised in a tradition of problem-solving and have little real
exposure to the creative process.”
Step one in the creative process is having a vision of what you want to
create. Without this vision, there is no way to create. Without this
vision, you are only problem-eliminating, which is a double negative. It’s
impossible to feel positive about a life based on a double negative.
So the way to alter your thinking is to notice when you’re drifting into,
“What do I want to get rid of?” and mentally replace that thinking with,
“What do I want to bring into being?”
When Fritz says that we have been “raised in a tradition” of problem
solving, he is almost understating it. We are programmed and wired to
think that way every day. Notice the thinking of people as they
approach a challenge (even a challenge as small as an upcoming
meeting with other people):
“Here’s what I hope doesn’t happen,” one will say. “Well, here’s how
you can avoid that,” someone else will helpfully say. “The only problem
we have is this,” a third person will say, attempting to make the meeting
seem less frightening.
Notice that nowhere was there the question, “What would we like to
bring into being as a result of this meeting?”
Whether the situation is as small as a meeting or as large as your whole
life, the most useful question you can ask yourself is, “What do I want
to bring into being?”
It’s a beautiful question, because it makes no reference to problems or
obstacles. It implies pure creativity. It puts you back on the positive side
of life.
My friend Steve Hardison made an observation about self-motivation
that I have always remembered and agreed with.
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“It’s just one thought,” he said. “Motivational teachers repeat it many
different ways, but it’s just one thought: It’s a binary system. Are you on
or are you off?”
Are you positive or are you negative? Are you creating or are you
reacting? Are you on or are you off? Are you life or are you death? Are
you day or are you night? Are you in or are you out? “Is you is or is you
ain’t?”
And there’s nothing more motivational to flip your binary switch to “on”
than a clear vision of what it is that you really want. What do you want
to bring into being? It doesn’t matter what that vision is or how often it
changes. It only matters what that vision does.
If your vision isn’t getting you up in the morning, then make up another
one. Keep at it until you develop a vision that’s so colorful and clear
that it puts you in action just to think about it.
96. Build your power base
Knowledge is power. What you know is your power base—it’s the
battery you run on. You need to charge it constantly and consciously.
Who do you want to be in charge of what you know? News directors?
Radio disc jockeys? The office gossip? Tabloid newspaper editors? A
pessimistic family member?
Unless we consciously decide to build our own knowledge base, with a
sense of direction to it, then we will be programmed, totally, by random
input.
Feeling miserable and alienated from life is caused by not being in
control of what we know.
“Misery and alienation are not laid upon us by fate,” wrote Colin
Wilson. “They are due to the failure of the ego to accept its role as the
controller of consciousness. All our experiences of happiness and
intensity force the
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same conviction upon us, for they involve a sense of mastery.”
You can be the master of your own fate. You can make choices all day
long about what you are going to learn and what you are not going to
learn.
“What are you reading over there?” someone may ask you. “Oh, it’s just
something I found in the trash,” you might say.
And it might seem harmless enough to read something you found in the
wastebasket because there was nothing else nearby, but whole lives are
shaped that way. The computer term “GIGO”—garbage in, garbage
out—is even truer for the human biocomputer than it is for mechanical
computers.
Take control of what you know. The more you know about what
motivates you, the easier it is to motivate yourself. The more you know
about the human brain, the less trouble you have operating it.
Knowledge is power. Respect yours and build on it.
97. Connect truth to beauty
I hate reading motivational material that thunders at me about the
importance of integrity and honesty for their own sake. Somehow, that
always seems to turn me off, because the writers come off like angry
preachers and teachers. Hardly inspiring.
I’m always inspired better by things that are made to look interesting
and fun. I’m always taken in by a promise of life being more beautiful
and rarely taken in by a promise of a life being more righteous and
proper.
To me, the best case to make for honesty is how beautiful it is…how
clean and clear it makes the journey from current reality to the dream.
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When people know exactly where they are, they can go somewhere
from there. But being “lost” is a function of dishonesty. And when we’re
lost, or dishonest, anywhere we go from there is wrong. When we start
with a false reading, there’s no direction home.
Like Bob Dylan’s rolling stone, we don’t know who we are. We feel, at
the core, “like a complete unknown.”
Truth, on the other hand, is clear, complete, and compellingly vivid. It is
solid and strong, so it can hold us steady as we climb.
“Truth,” said poet John Keats, “is beauty.”
The more honest we are with others and ourselves about current reality,
the more energy and focus we gather. We don’t have to keep track of
what we told one person or what we told another.
One of the best and most positive explanations of the beauty of personal
integrity was expressed by Nathaniel Branden in The Six Pillars of
Self-Esteem. Branden, unlike most writers on the subject, sees truth and
integrity as a positive part of the process of self-esteem. His point is not
that we owe it to other people’s sense of morality to be honest, but that
we owe it to ourselves.
“One of the great self-deceptions,” said Branden, “is to tell oneself,
‘Only I will know.’ Only I will know that I am a liar; only I will know
that I deal unethically with people who trust me; only I will know that I
have no intention of honoring my promise. The implication is that my
judgment is unimportant and that only the judgment of others counts.”
Branden’s writing on personal integrity is inspiring because it’s directed
at creating a happier and stronger self, not at a universal appeal for
morality.
One of the ways we describe a work of art that is sloppy and unfinished
is as “a mess.” The problem with
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lying, or lying by omission, is that it leaves everything so
incomplete—in a mess. Truth always completes the picture—any
picture. And when a picture is complete, whole, and integrated, we see
it as “beautiful.”
I’ll even hear about people—usually people who you can’t believe about
anything—described as “a mess.” And conversely, a person who you
can always count on to be honest with you is often referred to as a
“beautiful” person. Truth and beauty become impossible to separate.
Truth leads you to a more confident level in your relationships with
others and with yourself. It diminishes fear and increases your sense of
personal mastery. Lies and half-truths will always weigh you down,
whereas truth will clear up your thinking and give you the energy and
clarity needed for self-motivation.
98. Read yourself a story
Abraham Lincoln used to drive his law partners to distraction. Every
morning he would come into his office and read the daily newspaper
aloud to himself. They would hear him in the next room reading in a
booming voice.
Why did Lincoln do his morning reading aloud? He had discovered that
he remembered and retained twice as much when he read aloud than
when he read silently. And what he did remember, he remembered for a
much longer period of time.
Perhaps it was because Lincoln was employing a second sense, the
sense of hearing, and a second activity, the activity of speaking, which
made his readings so memorable to him.
Any time you have an opportunity to read something that is important
to you, try reading it aloud and see if you don’t make twice the
impression on yourself. When
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you discover something you want to remember, and draw upon in the
future, read it aloud.
Steve Hardison, one of the most successful business consultants I have
ever known, credits one origin of his success to when he was a
struggling young man without money or a clue about where he wanted
to go. Then one day he came across Napoleon Hill’s enormous book,
Law of Success, and read the entire volume aloud.
My favorite piece of writing to read aloud is Chapter 16 of Og
Mandino’s The Greatest Salesman in the World. Here’s a part of it,
which you may now read silently to yourself. However, if you want a
real shot of adrenaline to your spirit, I recommend you mark this page
and when you’re alone, read it aloud like Lincoln:
“I will act now. I will act now. I will act now. Henceforth, I will repeat
these words again and again, each hour, each day, every day, until the
words become a habit as my breathing and the actions which follow
become as instinctive as the blinking of my eyelids. With these words I
can condition my mind to perform every act necessary for my success.
With these words I can condition my mind to meet every challenge.”
99. Laugh for no reason
Become a performer. Be an actor and a singer. Act like you already feel
like you want to feel. Don’t wait until the feeling motivates you. It could
be a long wait.
American philosopher William James put it very clearly: “We do not
sing because we are happy, we are happy because we sing.”
Most of us believe an emotion, such as happiness, comes first. Then we
do whatever we do, in reaction to that particular emotion. Not so,
insisted James. The emotion arises simultaneously with the doing of the
act. So if
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you want to be enthusiastic, you can get there by acting as if you were
already enthusiastic. Sometimes it takes a minute. Sometimes it skips a
beat. But it always works if you stay with it, no matter how ridiculous
you feel doing it.
Feel ridiculous. If you want to be happy, find the happiest song you
know and sing it. It works. Not always in the first few moments, but if
you keep at it, it works. Just fake it until you make it. Soon your happy
singing will show you how much control you do have over your own
emotions.
Zen monks do a “laughing meditation” in which they all gather in a
circle and get ready to laugh. At the stroke of a certain hour the teacher
hits a gong, and all the monks begin to laugh. They have to laugh,
whether or not they feel like it. But after a few moments the laughter
becomes contagious. Soon all the monks are laughing genuinely and
heartily.
Children do this, too. They start giggling for no reason (often at the
dinner table or some other forbidden setting and the giggling itself
makes them laugh). The truth is this: Laughter itself can make you
laugh. The secret of happiness is hidden inside that last sentence.
But adults aren’t always comfortable with this. Adults want kids to have
reasons for laughing. As I used to drive my children long distances to
visit relatives, I’d get most irritated when they began laughing and
giggling in the back seat without reason. I developed a backstroke swing
to curb the laughter. “Why are you laughing?” I would shout. “You have
no reason to be laughing! This is a dangerous highway and I’m trying to
drive here!”
But adults, like me, might want to get back that appreciation for joyful
spontaneity. We might want to confront the question, “What is the one
thing that most
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makes me feel like singing?” And then know the answer: “Singing.”
What most gets you in the mood to dance? Dancing. The next time you
ask someone to dance, and they say, “I don’t feel like dancing,” you
might reply, “That’s because you’re not dancing.”
100. Walk with love and death
“I am a coward.”
That was how the book began. It was a novel I was reading not long
after I had graduated from high school, and those first words staggered
me. I remember staring at those words, unable to continue reading, I
was so stunned. Never has a book connected with me so quickly.
For I was a coward, too. It’s just that I never admitted it so openly as did
the author of A Walk with Love and Death.
The author was Hans Konigsberger, and the book was a medieval love
story later made into a movie by John Huston, but none of that
mattered. What mattered was that there was another coward on the
planet other than me. Even if he was fictional, the words were real
enough for me.
My self-image at the time I read that book was based on my fears and
nothing else. In my mind, I was truly a coward. And if someone were to
tell me I’d done something brave, I’d think they were wrong somehow.
Or that they didn’t know how easy that thing was.
Where did this self-image come from? I don’t blame my parents,
because I believe we create our own pictures of ourselves, and I had a
choice whether to stick with this self-image or not. (After all, I could
have done what Gordon Liddy did when he was a boy—upset that he
was afraid of rats, he caught some, cooked them, and
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ate them. Upset that he was afraid of thunder and lightning, he strapped
himself to the top of a large tree where he stayed for the duration during
a major electrical storm. These kinds of things I did not do.)
Although I don’t blame my parents, I can trace where I got the idea of
my being a coward to their encouragement.
My mother, too, was afraid of everything. She lived to the age of 66
without ever having made a left hand turn in traffic, so afraid she was of
oncoming traffic. (She always knew how to make a looping series of
right turns to get where she was going.) She consoled me and told me
that I was just like her. A coward, I thought. She was very loving and
empathetic about it, but my self-image became unshakable. However,
my mother said she’d try to be there to help me do the many things she
knew I wouldn’t be able to do.
I met my father when I was two and a half years old. He was a war
hero, home from World War II, and it is reported that when he walked
into our home and saw me for the first time, I looked up at his imposing
uniformed figure and said, “Who is that?”
“John Wayne,” my mother should have said.
Because my father was afraid of nothing. He was a decorated soldier, a
star athlete, a tough and successful businessman, and the list goes on.
But he soon knew one thing about his little boy—no guts. And it was
distressing to him.
So, both parents and the child himself were all in agreement about it.
The father was upset about it, the mother understood, and the boy was
just scared.
That is possibly why, as I grew older, I discovered “false courage.”
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I discovered—through use of an intoxicating substance—that I could be
who I wanted to be. But soon the marvelous discovery turned to
addiction, and my life revolved around my dependency on it. They were
wild times, but as anyone will tell you who’s been through it, there was
no growth or fulfillment during those years. They soon became an
intolerable nightmare.
Fortunately, I recovered. It has been more than 20 years since I’ve had
to resort to chemically based courage. During that recovery period,
which was often difficult, I came to learn a prayer that was popular
among fellow recovering people. They called it “The Serenity Prayer”
and you’ve probably heard it. It goes like this: “God grant me the
serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the
things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”
I think it was called the “serenity” prayer because that’s what everyone
wanted from the prayer—serenity. Abruptly ending a long period of
substance abuse can leave you far short of serene. Although with each
passing day it gets better and better, that prayer was something to hang
on to.
But after being clean and sober started to work for me, I knew
something was still missing—I knew I needed more than serenity. My
deep-seated self-image of being a coward had not gone away, and so I
turned my attention to the second line in the prayer, “the courage to
change the things I can.” In my mind, it was no longer the serenity
prayer—it had become the courage prayer.
Courage was still what I lacked, and that feeling of personal cowardice
was still my entire self-image. It shaped my whole “personality.”
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When my friend Mike Killebrew gave me Napoleon Hill’s The Master
Key to Riches, the answer to my courage prayer began to come to me.
If I didn’t have the courage inside of me, I would create it. And at that
moment, the process of self-motivation began in earnest.
I could cite you many examples of the fears I had, but to illustrate how I
overcame them, I’ll use an example I referred to earlier—my fear of
public speaking. I’ve since learned that the fear of public speaking is not
unique to me. In fact, it’s considered the number-one fear among our
population today, even greater than the fear of death.
To me, though, it was a painful manifestation of the overall deep fear
that constituted my entire personality. I laughed knowingly once when
Woody Allen said that he was “afraid of the dark and feared the light of
day.” That was me.
When I finally made myself join an acting class to face my fear of
speaking, I learned to my horror that I was the only non-actor in the
class. In our first session, led by the hugely talented actress and coach
Judy Rollings, I listened as everyone in the class talked about all the
recent stage productions they had been in.
Judy gave us each a long monologue to learn and recite in the next
session. Mine was from Spoon River Anthology and my character was a
judge who had been mocked as a young man, but rose to judge those in
the community who used to make fun of him. It was a challenging
piece, and I was terrified.
I knew I had to do something harder than the recital to prepare for the
recital, so I set out to do it. I memorized my part and began to perform it
in front of people. I asked whoever would listen to sit down and watch
me recite this piece. I did it in front of my actress friend Judy LeBeau,
who had gotten me into the class. I
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did it on tape and sent it to songwriter and comedian Fred Knipe. I did it
in front of my friend Kathy. I made my children sit quietly and watch
me do it over and over. Each time, I was scared, my heart was pounding
and I hyperventilated. But each time it got easier and better.
Finally the day of the class arrived. I took the day off from work to
rehearse this little three-minute piece all day. When class time arrived, I
was extremely nervous, but not deeply panicked. In my life, there’s a
big and welcome difference.
Judy Rollings asked for volunteers to perform their monologues, and as
each “experienced” actor got up to do theirs, I gained confidence. I
could see that they, too, were very nervous. They were acting in front
of peers, which is sometimes harder than before a normal audience.
They were blowing their lines and, in embarrassment, asking to start
over. Some of their voices were a little shaky. I was encouraged.
Finally, with just one or two of us left to go, I volunteered and walked
slowly to the front of the room.
What happened then is something I’ll never forget. As I went to the
front of the room, just before I turned around to face the teacher and
class, a voice in my mind spoke to me, and it said only one word:
Showtime.
With a surprising surge of energy, I delivered my piece. My voice
soared up and hit the dramatic points and dropped down to emphasize
the subtle lines and the parts that I gave a funny interpretation to were
drawing huge laughs from the class. When I was finished, I looked back
up and saw that the whole class had burst out clapping—something
Judy had told them not to do for anybody.
When I drove home that night, I was in heaven. I kept reciting my
monologue out loud, reveling in the
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memory of their laughter and clapping. The thing I thought I feared
most in life was somehow mastered. And I repeated to myself the
principle I had used to make it happen—the more I sweat in peacetime,
the less I bleed in war.
I often look back on who I was when I first encountered the words, “I
am a coward,” in A Walk With Love and Death. And I realize that today
I have something that I didn’t have back then, the knowledge that
courage can be created.
I still have fears, but I no longer am fear. I no longer think of myself as
a coward. And when people compliment me on something I’ve done that
they think was courageous, I don’t dismiss them as being crazy or
stupid.
There is a way I use to motivate myself to overcome any fear that’s in
my way today. It’s a way I’ve never told anyone about until now,
because it has a strange name. I call it “walk with love and death.”
When I need to get through something, face something, or create a
courageous action plan—I take long walks. When I walk long and far
enough, a solution always appears. I eventually get oriented to the most
creative course of action.
“When you walk,” writes Andrew Weil in Spontaneous Healing, “the
movement of your limbs is cross-patterned: the right leg and left arm
move forward at the same time, then the left leg and right arm. This
type of movement generates electrical activity in the brain that has a
harmonizing influence on the central nervous system—a special benefit
of walking that you do not necessarily get from other kinds of exercise.”
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I call it “a walk with love” because love and fear are opposites. (Most
people think love and hate are opposites, but they are not.) The ultimate
creativity occurs from a spirit of love and, as Emmet Fox says, “Love is
always creative, and fear is always destructive.”
I call it a “walk with death,” because it is only the acceptance and
awareness of my own death that gives my life the clarity that it needs to
be exciting.
My walks often last a long time. Somehow, whatever challenge I’m
facing appears to me from many different angles as I’m walking. I know
that one of the real values is that while walking, I’m truly alone with
myself—there are no phones to answer or people to talk to. I create so
little of that kind of time in life, that it’s always surprising how beneficial
it is.
Take your own challenges out for a walk. Feel your self-motivation
growing inside you, as the electricity in your brain starts to harmonize
your central nervous system. You’ll soon know for a fact that you have
what it takes. You won’t have to pray for the courage to change the
things you can—you will already have it.
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Afterword
101. Teach yourself the power of negative thinking
I discovered something remarkable quite by accident one night as I was
conducting a workshop on goal achievement. I discovered the power of
negative thinking. As the people in the workshop struggled to list their
goals on a piece of paper, I ran out of patience.
“How will you get what you want if you don’t know what it is?” I asked
the room, half of which still had empty sheets of paper and empty facial
expressions.
“Okay,” I said, “Let’s put these goals away. I want to try something
different. Take out a new sheet of paper and do this. Write down what
you don’t want in your life. List every major problem and source of
discomfort you have. All your worries. All the negative things you can
think of, even if they haven’t come into reality yet. Even if they are just
things you don’t want to happen in the future. Take your time and be
thorough.”
What I saw happen next startled me. The entire room’s energy level
picked up, and everyone in the workshop was writing and writing and
writing. It wasn’t
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long before some people asked if they could use a second page.
Something strange and electric was filling the air as people aired their
fears and grievances. Pages were flooded with ink, and hands and
fingers had to be shaken out so people wouldn’t cramp up from writing
so much. When I called an end to the exercise, the room was buzzing.
I had obviously let something loose that wasn’t there before. At that
moment I got my first true look at the power of the negative. Actually, I
had seen it before. When I took the time to look back over my life, I
realized that saying no was always a stronger stand to take than saying
yes. Saying no is drawing a line in the sand. It is taking a stand. It is
putting your foot down. It is passionate. It is powerful. Compared to
saying no, saying yes is wobbly and wishy-washy. I said yes to a
thousand drinks of alcohol in my life. But it wasn’t until one hung-over
suicidal morning when I said no that my life got completely turned
around. When the cave man drew the line in the dirt outside his cave
and said no to the saber-tooth tiger, his family was finally safe.
Saying no is powerful, because it comes from the deepest part of the
soul. There are some things we just won’t tolerate.
Once we fully understand the power of those no’s deep inside of us, we
can use them to motivate ourselves like never before.
In the workshop I was telling you about, once the people filled their
papers up with what they didn’t want, we got busy converting problems
into goals. You don’t want to go bankrupt? Then let’s get a prosperity
plan going! You don’t want to weigh as much as your two best friends
combined? Then let’s get a nutrition and exercise program going! Any
no can be converted to a powerful yes.
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So if you’re stuck without any truly motivating goals, dreams or
commitments, then go negative first. Figure out what you absolutely
don’t want—what you absolutely fear and dread and refuse to let in to
your life—then convert it to its opposite, positive form and see what
happens. You’ll be more motivated than you ever dreamed you could
be.
I have used this in one-on-one meetings with people who wouldn’t open
up and tell me what they wanted. I simply asked them to tell me what
they didn’t want to have happen and we were off to the races. Once you
know what that is, you can convert the conversation to exciting plans
and objectives. This explains why so many successful people had
difficult upbringings, sometimes living in the harshest poverty. They
connected very early to what they didn’t want. The rest was clear
sailing.
The next time you lack passion when thinking of what you want, try
turning it around. Ask yourself what you absolutely don’t want, and then
feel the energy building in you to overcome that problem.
That energy you’re feeling is the deepest and most primal form of
motivation.
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Index
A
acting the part you want to be, 47–48
affirmations, 34–35
attitude, positive, having a, 90–91
audiobooks, 38–41
awareness, making most of, 75–76
B
Bennett, William, 72
biocomputer, 73–75, 118
Book of Virtues, The, 72
Brain Building, 29
brainstorming, 122–124
Branden, Devers, 19, 83
Burroughs, William, 15–16, 38, 41, 51, 62, 83–85, 118–119, 140–141,
155–156, 192, 201
buttons, pushing your positive, 33–34
C
challenge,
as motivator, 57–58
facing, 25–27
change, as motivator, 155–157
changing yourself, 169–170
chemicals, body, 50–51
choices and motivation, 15–16
Choosing Your Own Greatness, 40
Chopra, Deepak, 164, 185
comfort zones, 57–58
competition, 147–149
confidence, 82–85
creating a vision, 22–24
Creating Affluence, 164
creative thinking, 111–113
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creativity, 93–96
Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly, 106–107, 182–183
curiosity, power of, 76–78
D
deathbed exercise, 19–21
discipline, 73
dreaming, power of, 61
dreams, turning into reality, 160–161
Dyer, Wayne, 40, 41, 88
E
energy, 174–176
F
fate, mastering your own, 200
fear, 55, 62–64, 84
fearlessness, social, 53
Fifth Discipline, The, 197
Fisher, Bobby, 131–133
five percent solution, 155–157
Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, 106–107
focus, maintaining, 24–25
Follow the Yellow Brick Road, 78
Ford, Henry, 44, 146
four-circle exercise, 143–147
Frankenstein’s Castle, 38, 91
freedom, consciously noticing our, 130–131
friends, positive, surrounding yourself with, 45–47
Fritz, Robert, 197–197
G
games, as challenges, 96–98
goals, 174–176
and happiness, 90
developing, 58–59
importance of setting, 106–108
inflating your, 193–195
power, setting specific, 168–169
progressing toward, 79–82
staying focused on, 24–25
writing down your, 108–111
Goss, Tracy, 38
H
habits,
changing your, 128–130
entrapping, 139
happiness, 70–71
Hardison, Steve, 133–136, 138–139
hero, finding a, 19–194
Hill, Napoleon, 37, 41, 165, 208
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honesty, 200–202
I
imagination, using your, 60–61
inner voice, 133–136, 140–141
interactive listening, 66–67
J
Johnson, Jimmy, 24–25
Jordan, Michael, 147
K
Kaufman, Barry Neil, 152
Keller, Helen, 150–152
Killebrew, Mike, 36–37
Knight, Bobby, 77
Knipe, Fred, 69, 162
knowledge as power base, 199–200
Koether, Bob, 29–30, 111–112
Kolbe, Him, 30–31
L
“ladder of selves,” 188–189
Last Word in Power, The, 38
laughter, 203–205
Learned Optimism, 117, 140
left brain vs. right brain, 92–93
life, simplifying your, 27–31
listening,
interactive, 66–67
reprogramming your, 73–75
lists, making, 165–168
Lombardi, Vince, 27
luck, 143
M
Master Key to Riches, The, 37, 208
McGinnis, Alan Loy, 79, 115
mind and body connection, 184–186
money, power over motivation, 164–165
motivation, 48–51, 112
easing into, 44–45
mystery novels, reading, 186–188
N
Naked Lunch, 51
negative thinking, power of, 213–215
negativity, tuning out, 73–75
news fasts, 176–177
O
optimism, 80
building, 42–44
vs. pessimism, 15
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P
Path of Least Resistance, The, 197
Patton, General George, 62, 132–133
Peale, Norman Vincent, 78, 117–118
Peck, M. Scott, 137, 150
personality, 15–17, 47, 207
pessimism, 80, 119–122, 150
pessimistic thoughts,
debating, 117–119
pessimists, 116–117
planning, importance of, 170–172
pleasure vs. enjoyment, 182–184
Power of Optimism, The, 79, 115
problem, becoming the, 191–193
problems, as learning tools, 101–103
problem-solving, 162–163
vs. creating, 197–198
promise, making unreasonable, 141–142
purpose, 175–176
finding your, 85–90
R
reaction vs. action, 91–93
rejection, as motivator, 172–174
RelationSHIFT, 110
relation-shift, creating a, 78–79
relationships, 64–66
asking questions in your, 78
relaxation, active vs. passive, 98–99
risks, taking, 52–53
Road Less Traveled, The, 137
Robbins, Anthony, 41
S
Schwarzenegger, Arnold, 21–22
self-confidence, 61
self-discipline, 36–38
self-esteem, 83–84
self-image, 152–153, 205–207
self-motivation rituals, 68–70
self-motivation, 31–32, 49–51, 57–58, 78–79, 103–106, 182–184, 198,
211
lack of, 157–158
Seligman, Martin, 117, 140, 150
silence, listening to, 48–50
simplifying your life, 27–31
Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, The, 38, 83, 140, 192, 201
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Son Rise, 152
Spontaneous Healing, 46, 102–103, 210
Stewart, John, 69
T
television, turning off the, 56–57
They Call Me Coach, 143
thought,
connection to motivation, 113–117
power of, 181–182
Tolle, Eckhart, 38
transformation, personal, 99–101
truth, 200–202
U
unexpected, welcoming the, 35–36
unhappiness, as motivator,
V
vision, 197–199
creating a, 22–23
visioneering, 159–161
voice, inner, 140–141
listening to your, 133–136
Vos Savant, Marilyn, 29, 187
vulnerability, using your, 54–56
W
Walsh, Bill, 58–59
weakness, turning into strength, 189–191
Weil, Andrew, 46, 102–103, 176, 210
whole-brain thinking, 92–93
willpower, 71–73
developing, 67–68
Wilson, Collin, 38, 91, 139
Wooden, John, 100, 142–143,
Woods, Tiger, 133
work, planning, 41–42
worry, replacing with action, 178–181
Write from the Heart, 69
Wurman, Richard Saul, 78
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THE PRICE OF LEADERSHIP

“Then James
and John the
sons of Zebedee
came to Him saying,
We want You
to do for us what
ever we ask. And
He said to them,
what do you want
Me to do for you.
They said to Him, grant us that we may sit one on
Your right hand and the other on Your left in Your
glory. But Jesus said to them, you do not know
what you ask. Are you able to drink the cup that I
drink? And be baptized with the baptism that I am
baptized with? They said to Him, we are able. So
Jesus said to them you will indeed drink the cup
that I drink and the baptism I am baptized with you
will be baptized. But to sit on My right hand and on
My left is not Mine to give. But it is for those for whom
it is prepared” Mark 10:35-40.
As we considered the above scriptures in the last edition
of LIVING SEED, we saw that leadership is a good and
noble responsibility to be desired, as much as one understands
the purpose of God, and the sacrifices it entails. But of a
serious concern to us, were the several aberrations and misconceptions
about leadership, that have characterized the
Church presently in our generation- the clamour for the glamour
and carnal glory.
We are, however, further led in this edition to consider
this request of James and John. This time, it is to critically
look at the response of the Lord Jesus, because in it, the Lord
revealed to us what looks like a qualification and a condition
that every one desiring to have any part in God’s work, must
go through, in order to be acceptable for either any responsibility
or any leadership position.
“…But Jesus said to them, you do not know what
you ask. Are you able to drink the cup that I drink?
And be baptized with the baptism that I am baptized
with? They said to Him, we are able. So
Jesus said to them, you will indeed drink the cup
that I drink and the baptism I am baptized with you
will be baptized…”
According to Jesus, there is a cup, and a baptism that
every aspiring servant of God must compulsorily drink and
be baptized with, before heavens may agree to include his or
her name in the heavenly records. Yet, even if you drink of
the cup and go through the baptism as John and James swore
to, it still does not guarantee
an automatic appointment
to a leadership
position, though it is
certain that no man will
occupy any form of leadership
position, without having
passed through this basic
qualification of the cup
and baptism.
The CUP and the BAPTISM
We will now undertake to study what that baptism
and cup are which Jesus offered all disciples, as a compulsory
condition to meet, in order to be part of God’s ministry
team that will bear His glory into revival. But it is to be done
not with an eye on the carnal reward that seems to be flipped
before our faces. Remember Jesus said,
“…You will indeed drink the cup that I drink and
with the baptism I am baptized with, you will be
baptized. But to sit on My right hand and on My
left is not Mine to give, but it is for those for whom
it is prepared.”
We are exploring this cup not because we just want to
know it, but because we want to drink it. Appointment or
placement in ministry, whether to preach to thousands or to
two, is not the issue. And I pray that you will understand that
genuine revival is not the one that emphasizes the ‘man of
God’. So if you are still quietly praying about ‘my ministry’,
and how you are going to be known all over the country,
maybe you need to ask God to deliver you from it. That attitude
may scare God away from you. Revival has nothing to
do with preaching ‘big’. It has all to do with God working
through men. When revival comes, men are forgotten and
Jesus increases. When revival comes, men go for God rather
than for themselves. When genuine revival comes, people
will do silent earnest labors. As great as the revival in the
New Testament was ( those revivals which we read about in
the book of Acts) it was amazing that it did not emphasize
any human being; neither was the result of that revival named
after any person. Nobody particularly possessed the ministry
that arose out of that revival. We did not read about clash
of personalities, rather we only saw service. A medical doctor
dropped his instruments and was just ‘recording’ behind
other men. A great theologian like Paul, who could speak
Greek, submitted to Peter, a fisherman. James, who was
not even an apostle, headed the church in Jerusalem such
that in council meetings he was the Chairman. Apostles like
4
LIVING SEED Vol.10 No.1 Feb., 2003
Peter had to sit down and wait to be appointed by James
whenever he, Peter, wanted to make contributions.
As long as there exists dark spots of the flesh and
egoistic individualism in your personality (which spots are
always the point of contention and disappointment in God’s
work) God cannot release any tangible measure of His sacred
trust into your hands. All such impurities of the flesh
must be extracted. A blacksmith working on an iron tool must
melt it severally in the furnace, to extract whatever is not
cohesive with the original metal itself. He then soaks it in a
liquid; to cause the metal to come together as a component
(by contraction). He repeats this process several times to
ensure flexibility and increase of the tensile strength of the
metal. This process of firing and soaking resembles the kind
of Baptism and Cup our Lord prescribes for any disciple,
who truly desires to win God’s approval for appointment into
a position of servant leadership in the Body of Christ. A candidate
for leadership must possess first and foremost a wholesomeness
of life, symmetry of character and integrity. Integrity
here has to do with a life that is every wit dependable,
predictable and projectable. Integration is the sum (or sigma)
of every tiny variable of life to make a continuum: an
unbreaking, non-cracking, regular, cohesive and beautiful
personality. Everything in him and about him is integral with
what he says and does. Every segment of his life –be it his
matrimony; or his secular life or sacred life; his playtime or
business time is congruent with his overall outlook in life, and
none is repulsive. All has been tempered and tamed in this
process of the cup and the baptism.
For John and James, they only saw the seat on the
right and on the left. They never envisaged the processing,
the training, the taming and the testing that qualify men for
those leadership positions. They may appear vacant for a long
time; God does not just fill them up with any available person,
unless he or she has met this ‘Cup and Baptism’ conditionality.
Jesus frankly told John and James: “What you are asking
for by aspiring to come to sit at My left and right,
you don’t understand. To ever become eligible at all, are
you ready for the Cup? Are you ready for the Baptism?
Are you ready for the smelting in fire? Are you ready
for the soaking into the deep waters? This is the only
way we can confirm whether or not this instrument will
not fail us on the day of battle.”
We shall now explore what this cup and baptism actually
stand for in our preparation for spiritual service. I pray that God
will help you to come along, and actually to plunge your self into
this, so that you can emerge from this baptism a usable instrument
in His hands, in your generation, in the Name of Jesus.
The Sufferings That Produce
Human Experiences…
This is the first of the baptism that any man seeking to
become an instrument in God’s hand must pass through. All
notable men, both in Scriptures and in contemporary history,
bore testimony to this ingredient in the dealing of God over
their lives. Peter, James, and all the other apostles eventually
had this baptism of suffering. Even the latecomer, apostle
Paul declared:
“Moreover let us also be full of joy now! Let us
exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in
our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction
and hardship produce patient and unswerving
endurance. And endurance (fortitude) develops
maturity of character, that is, approved faith and
tried integrity. And character (of this sort) produces
(the habit of) joyful and confident hope of eternal
salvation.” Rom.5: 3-4(Amp)
The Example Of Jesus…
Let’s check Jesus’ own experience from the book of
Hebrews chapter2. You will remember that Hebrews chapter
one is a very beautiful epilogue of the glory, the power, the
LIVING SEED Vol.10 No.1 Feb., 2003
5 LIVING SEED Vol.10 No.1 Feb., 2003
anointing, the position, the name and the ministry of the Lord
Jesus. And if you love to read, you may stop in chapter one
just gazing and marveling, as you see the greatness and superiority
of this Man. But one thing that I discover is that there
is a process, which Christ Himself went through, to gain that
position and to walk in it.
When you leave Chapter one of Hebrews where it talked
about all the glories of Jesus… the superiority of Christ over
the prophets and how God had given Him a name that is
above all names, and how angels are to bow to Him and all
that…and move to Chapter 2, you will immediately see the
making, the moulding and the preparations of the “Son of
man.”
“But we see Jesus who was made a little lower than
the Angels for the suffering of death crowned with
glory and honor that He by the grace of God should
taste death for every man.” Heb. 2:9 (KJV).
“But we do see Jesus, who for a little while was
made lower than the angels, so that through God’s
grace He should die for everyone. We see Him now
crowned with glory and honour because of the death
he suffered.” (Good News).
“But we do see Him who has been made for a little
while lower than the angels, namely, Jesus, because
of the suffering of death crowned with glory and
honour, that by the grace of God he might taste
death for everyone.” (NAB).
“But we are able to see Jesus, who was ranked lower
than the angels for a little while, crowned with glory
and honour because of His having suffered death,
in order that by the grace (unmerited favour) of
God (to us sinners) He might experience death for
every individual person.” (Amp).
But we see Jesus:
This is very strong! We see the example of Jesus.
We see what God did to Him, to make Him who He is today.
We see the way He went and the path He trod to become the
author of our salvation. It is not a thing that God has not done
before. He did it to His only begotten Son, even Jesus who
knew no sin.
What did we see in Jesus? He was deliberately made
lower than the angels for a little while. This must be so hard
for Him, who created all things, including the angels. He was
made lower than the works of His own hands. Why? What
for? It is that He may by the grace of God taste death for
every one He would later bring out of death with life; out of
darkness with light. The baptism with death was a necessary
price for Him to bring forth much fruit and many sons unto glory.
There is something more than this aspect of our own salvation.
Look at the last part of that verse…
“…We see Him now crowned with glory and honour
because of the death He suffered” (Good News).
…But we are able to see Jesus… crowned with glory and
honour because of His having suffered death.
This “because” is a very strong reason we must also see. His
being crowned with glory and honour was not arbitrary. It
was as a result of what He had gone through. It was because
of His having suffered death! This is very illuminating. It runs
across the Scriptures. Phil 2:8-9 confirms this same matter
in another way:
“And after He had appeared in human form He
abased and humbled Himself (still further) and
carried His obedience to the extreme of death, even
the death of the cross!
Therefore (because He stooped so low) God has
highly exalted Him and has freely bestowed on Him
the name that is above every name…” (Amp).
God was only responding to a conditionality Christ had met.
“Wherefore God also hath highly exalted Him…” As a
result, God on His own part as well has exalted Him to the
highest place and given Him the name that is above every
name. The name God gave Him above every other name in
heaven or earth was not because He is the Son of God, but
because of the death He suffered. When God was ready to
appoint Jesus as the king, and Captain of our salvation, it
became necessary for God to subject Him to this process.
There was no short cut to the throne, even for Him. It was
not because of sin that this conditionality was necessary, for
Jesus was one who knew no sin. Look further with that Scripture:
“For it became Him, for whom are all things and
by whom are all things, in bringing many sons unto
glory, to make the captain of their salvation perfect
through sufferings.” (Heb 2:10 KJV).
“It was right and proper that in bringing many sons
to glory, God (God from whom and by whom everything
exists) should make the leader of their salvation
perfect through his sufferings.”(Phillips)
“And it was right and proper that God, who made
everything for his own glory, should allow Jesus to
suffer, for in doing this he was bringing vast multitudes
of God’s people to heaven; for his suffering
made Jesus a perfect Leader, one fit to bring them
unto their salvation.” (Living Bible).
The first thing to note here is that it was right and proper for
God to allow Jesus to pass through this process of suffering.
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It was not a mistake. It was not contradictory to God’s Holiness,
neither to Jesus’ sinlessness. It was fitting.
“It was an act worthy (of God) and fitting (to the
divine nature)…” (Amp).
This act was worthy of God. It did not contradict God nor
did it paint Him as ungodly to so do, when it came to the
matter of making Jesus the Leader that fits our need and is
best suited to be the Pioneer and Captain of our salvation. It
was also fitting to the divine nature. It was not wrong. It was
actually proper and fitting for God to do this to Jesus. And if
this was right, proper, and fitting for God to do to Jesus, who
proved a beloved Son, do you think it so wrong and grievous
for God to subject mortal men like ourselves to that baptism
and cup that will give us a place in His service? If for Jesus –
a man who received the anointing without measure- with
whom the Father was well pleased, it is still proper and right
to subject Him to this cup of suffering, in order for Him to
bring many sons to glory, how do I intend to become a channel
in God’s hands to bring and lead many men unto salvation
if I keep dodging and evading this necessary cup? Though
He was the perfect Son of God, God still needed to make Him
perfect when it came to becoming a leader, a pioneer and a
captain, through sufferings.
When God wants to make you a leader that is fit to
lead others to the kingdom of God, it is proper for Him to
subject your life to death and suffering so that you might be a
perfect and correct leader fit to lead others unto heaven. I
used to think that Jesus was automatically the Saviour of the
world. I did not know that he had to “become” a Saviour.
When He was born, God already saw His destiny and said,
“you will call His name Jesus, for He will save His people
from their sins”. But in between the announcement of Jesus’
destiny at His birth and the actualization of it, there was a
process that made Him to become a saviour. If Jesus was
not an automatic leader as soon as He was born, and that it
was not automatic for Him to save people, do not expect
anything like that for your own self. And do not be wary of
the process of becoming what God desires and designed you
to be. Do not keep dodging and running away from the process
otherwise in another ten years, you will still be on the
same spot. Prayer is good and we should pray more. Yet, we
need to open our mouths and tell God to take us through the
process. When you finish reading this message you should
stand up deliberately and tell God to take your hand and lead you
through the process for becoming a leader in the family of God.
“For it was an act worthy (of God) and (fitting to
the divine nature) that He for whose sake and by
whom all things have their existence in bringing
many sons into glory should make the pioneer of
their salvation perfect. (Should bring into maturity
the human experience necessary to be perfectly
equipped for His office as a high priest) through
suffering.” Heb. 2:10 (Amp).
There is a minimum quantity of human experience that
you need before you can become a leader. It is a pity that in
our own present day churches, untested and un-baptized boys
are the founders and presidents of ministries. It was not
miracles that qualified Jesus for leadership. It was not a supernatural
demonstration of power that put Jesus there as a
perfect pioneer leader. God decided and told Him, He cannot
save people or be allowed to handle an issue that He had not
experienced. He could not be imposed over people that have
more experiences in life than Himself. He would be speaking
beyond His life. Mary out of whom Jesus had cast out seven
demons was sent to go and proclaim the resurrection message…
She was going to tell those that participated in casting
out her demons (the disciples) that she had seen Jesus.
Did they believe her? No! Why not? She could not be a
leader because she lacked the maturity in human experience.
The two brothers from Emmaus, also came to preach, did
people believe? No they did not. Why did they not believe?
Nobody knew anything about them. As such Jesus had to
come Himself. No man can lead others beyond where he himself
has reached in his walk with God. This is the predicament
we are having. Our leadership development is very slow.
Some of us do not appreciate God’s own content of making
a leader. That is why He may still be waiting for whom He
can send.
People you can influence are people of your own
level. So the Bible tells us that for Jesus to be able to bring
many sons unto God, it was necessary that God should make
Him perfect. The word perfect here means maturity in the
human experience necessary for a perfect equipment of his
office as High Priest. But the only way to bring that to happen
is through suffering.
So Jesus told Mr. James and John, if they wanted to
sit by His right, and to sit by His left, over and above men with
grey hair, they needed to get into the school of suffering. The
school of suffering is the school of leadership. It is not a Bible
school. Let us stop deceiving ourselves. A Bible school certificate
does not make you a spiritual leader. (I do not want you to
quickly say, “Yes sir”, because you are feeling too proud to go
to school. That would be another manifestation of self). The
college of suffering was the college of leadership training.
Jesus already had the divine nature. But He needed
the human experience to lead human beings. There are two
components that make for spiritual leadership: the divine nature
that comes by the anointing, and the maturity of human
experience for you to become a perfect leader that will fit you
for that office.
Let’s move down to vs.17
“Wherefore it behoved Him in all things to be made

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like to [His] brethren, that He might be a merciful
and faithful high priest in things relating to God,
to make propitiation for the sins of the
people;”(KJV).
“For this reason He had to be made like His brothers
in every way, in order that He might become a
merciful and faithful high priest in service to God,
and that He might make atonement for the sins of
the people”. (NIV).
“This means that He had to become like His brothers
in every way, in order to be their faithful and merciful
High Priest in His service to God, so that the
people’s sins would be forgiven.” (Good news).
“It is evident that it was essential that Jesus be made
like His brethren in every respect in order that He
might become a merciful (sympathetic) and faithful
High Priest in the things related to God, in order
to make atonement and propitiations for the
people’s sins”. (Amp).
Do you see God’s process of making Jesus the leader, which
He is? I may want to ask you, “Will you (not just by word
of mouth) like to enrol?” If you have understood by the
books that in between where you are and your destiny, there
is a process, rather than just wishing to be a man of God, and
wishfully asking for revival to come, why not ask the Lord to
enrol you in the college of spiritual leadership– the college of
suffering. We have several colleges like College of Agriculture,
Education, and Medicine etc. But this is called the college
of suffering. And its certificate is the Certificate of Leadership.
It is not a paper certificate written with ink. This kind
is the one engraved on your life known and read of all men.
Even this is not conclusive because there are other colleges
like the College of Obedience. As soon as James and John
made the request to be made to sit at His left and right, Jesus
said, “Will you go through the college?”
“It is evident that it was essential that Jesus be made
like His brethren in every respect in order that He
might become a merciful (sympathetic) and faithful
High Priest in the things related to God, in order
to make atonement and propitiations for the
people’s sins. For because He Himself (in His
humanity) has suffered in being tempted (tested
and tried), He is able (immediately) to run to the
cry (assist; relieve) of those who are being tempted
and tested and tried and who are therefore being
exposed to suffering”. Heb 2:17-18 (Amp).
For Jesus to be merciful, for Him to be compassionate,
and to know how it feels to be a man, so that on one side,
He might be able to respond to the needs of men, that did not
come by teaching. He had to suffer temptation. He overcame
temptation. He was tempted at all points but without sin so
that He can be faithful to God. The making of a leader is quite
a matter! God does not overlook it. Whereas the office of the
High Priest is one thing; Jesus could not occupy it, until He
had to be made like His brethren in every aspect. It was necessary
for Jesus to be made like His brethren in every area of
experience, in order that He might become a merciful, sympathetic
and faithful High Priest in the things related to God.
It is clear that unless He was deliberately subjected to this
process of formation, though the office is available for Him,
He would be incapable of performing in that capacity.
God’s making of a leader is not the calling of a name
or a bogus title. Leadership in God’s church must not be by
official status. The man must be made, constructed, prepared
and equipped to bear the challenges and responsibilities of the
office. It is what He has become (or rather ‘came to be’) that
matters, rather than what He is called by title. What a man is
in his life is more crucial in leadership than what he does
officially. Any one who knows how to speak or analyse the
Bible can do preaching, but to be a leader demands experience
of life, that far outweighs the challenges facing those
being led. It must be a life that actually has gone ahead in
experience. And even for Jesus, God regarded it as essential
to allow Him be subjected to everything that men are subjected
to. He became ‘a brother’ to all of us in all our afflictions
and weaknesses. God allowed Him to be tested and tried
at all points like as we are. It was His victory in those trials
and temptations that now conferred upon Him the right and
the ability to lead men.
God does not place men in the office of leadership,
who are incapable and incapacitated to perform because of
the deficiency of their life and the insufficiency of their own
personal exposure to the Cup and Baptism. It is this Cup and
the Baptism that crystallize within a man’s life such gems of
grace that he draws upon to provide leadership for the flock.
The character needed for the particular office in leadership
is what God takes time to build into a man while the
charisma and the instrument of office can be placed on him
just in a day. Many men struggle to acquire the instrument of
office, the scepter of ministry, while they lack the intrinsic
character needed for such an office.
Look at God again preparing even Jesus for the office
of the High Priest, after the order of Melchisedek. To be
in that office, He must be merciful, sympathetic, considerate
and caring. He must posses genuine feelings of compassion
for the weak and the helpless. He must be familiar with the
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pangs and the yearnings of men’s hearts. It must be in His
own life also to feel sympathy. It is not just for Him to act and
perform some duties of mercy, He Himself must be merciful.
He must have something intrinsic to Him that easily responds
in compassion. This for Jesus was not automatic. It was not
natural to Him. He had to be trained to become sympathetic
with sinners. The only way is for Him to also suffer temptation
at all points. All the assault He went through in various
ways at the wilderness, in the hands of the Pharisees and the
scribes; in the hands of disciples, traitors, like Judas Iscariot;
misunderstanding and blackmail that came His way, were all
designed curriculum to inculcate within Him and to carve out
of Him, a merciful, sympathetic, compassionate leader. He
was not only endued with power from on high, He was also
lowered into the baptism of trials and temptations.
Hence Heb. 4: 14-16 could now attest of such a
High Priest we have in Christ Jesus.
“For we have not a High Priest which cannot be
touched with the feeling of our infirmities…”
vs 15,KJV
“For it is not as if we had a High Priest who was
incapable of feeling our weaknesses with us, but
we have one who has been tempted in every way
that we are, though He is without sin” (JB)
Two matters are important here: one is that a man
could occupy a post in which he is ‘incapable’, ‘unable’ to
perform the requisite life function of the office. He may make
efforts, but he is structurally incapable. But our own High
Priest (Jesus) is not such a man- but we have one who has
been tempted in everyway that we are! He is experienced in
all that now troubles us. He is capable of knowing what we
are going through. He needs no one to describe it to Him
theoretically. He can be touched with the feeling of our infirmities.
He is not a leader because He is foreign to us. ‘Foreigner’
to men’s situations cannot be a right and appropriate
leader. Men will even flout his authority due to his innate ignorance.
He can be fooled to take wrong decisions. He can
be carried away by mere exaggeration of a problem, since it
is completely foreign to him.
The second issue is His qualification to lead us! Confidence
in His own experience, where He had been victorious
is very crucial. Though He was familiar with all our infirmities
in that He Himself had suffered being tempted, He would
not be a leader if in it all He was a victim like ourselves. If He
Himself is still struggling and battling with His own personal
weaknesses, how can we trust Him to help us out of our
own. This is the inherent weakness of the Aaronic Priesthood.
The priests themselves, by life, were weak and were
weaklings. They must offer atonement offering first for their
sins, before they could think of helping others. They never
finished with their own infirmities all their lives; hence their
usefulness to those they led was very minimal. But our own
High Priest is the one without sin, despite all the temptations
He went through. He thus has the right of leadership on these
two counts.
Let me emphasize this again! Leadership hinges on
two anchors: one is identification and familiarity with the led
in every way. This means to be ‘a brother’ in all afflictions;
to have a first hand experience because you have been there
before. You have gone ahead of the brethren in every thing in
which you are asking them to follow you.
The second is of equal weight. It is to be a winner,
a conqueror and a victor out of all the rubble. Yes, men can
see the traces of the dust; but they must also see the track
record of your consistent victory. This must be engraved in
your life and character. You need not announce it. It is evident
all over your life.
Christ had to meet up with these two anchors of
leadership conditionality. He was trained for this through the
temptation He suffered.
My beloved brother and sister, do you aspire to serve
God in any effective way among the brethren? This Cup and
this Baptism are essential for you. Leadership qualification
will not come to you by the frivolous laying of hands of visiting
preachers in conferences. It is not by the pouring of
anointing oil! It is not even by the word of prophecy of aged
men like Simeon and Anna the prophetess. They may speak
as the Lord gave them utterance. What to do is to keep it in
your heart and quickly resume this process of divine preparation
for the fulfillment of your destiny. Jesus had to be made
a merciful and a faithful High priest. He suffered being tempted
so He knows the pains of temptation. As such He can help
those that are being tempted. But much more important, He
knew how to say no to temptation and maintain righteousness
so He can speak for, and to God. He could insist on
God’s own standard and say, “Brother, this is the will of
God. I went through it. I know it is paining you. It
pained me too, but I never disobeyed God”. The making
of such men as instruments of revival, is God’s major focus.
You could be praying and saying, “Lord, use me.” Yet,
God’s answer will be, “Yes, I will answer that prayer. But
my answer is the Cup and the Baptism”. When you have
gone through living without money, you might be able to stand
up and talk to the girls that are compromising their faith, or
are going into wrong businesses because of economic crunch.
You will be a faithful Pastor to say “Sorry, I also lived like
that for three weeks. There were very many temptations.
There were temptations for me to renew old friend1
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LIVING SEED Vol.10 No.1 Feb., 2003
of them en-masse. But all this was for God to introduce Himself
to them and to teach them the Biblical way of crossing
hurdles in God’s service. He was training them to overcome
fear.
When God delivered them (as they walked through
the Red Sea on dry ground) they danced and danced. It was
not the dancing that was God’s primary aim of this arrangement.
It was that they might have a reference point in their
walk: Ebenezer stones of memorial in their stories and testimonies
to recall in the face of other battles, especially the
battles in the land of promise.
As they passed through the Red Sea and they saw
the massive destruction of their enemies, God desired to carve
into their hearts His power to save and to deliver.
“And you shall remember that the Lord your God
led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness,
to humble you and test you, to know what
was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments
or not. So He humbled you, allowed
you to hunger, and fed you with manna which you
did not know nor did your fathers know, that He
might make you know that man shall not live by
bread alone, but man lives by every word that proceeds
from the mouth of the Lord.” Deut 8: 2-3.
This is an apt summary of that training process at
the tail end of their wilderness journey. Let us highlight few
points here, to illustrate this testing: A man who will be fitted
for the highest office in the
Kingdom must be humble.
The only way God
designed for them to
learn humility (that
would qualify
them for divine
promotion)
ships. But I said no. How can I be unequally yoked
because of money? And God saw me through. Do not
disappoint God; God will see you through as well”. You
will be a faithful minister to Him who has appointed you.
Suffering, as a process of training spiritual leaders, is a compulsory
part of the Cup and the Baptism.
Baptism of Trials And
Temptations
What is the other baptism that any man hoping to share
a part in revival labours must go through? It is the Baptism of
temptations as a test for strength. It is a test to discover weaknesses
so that they can be removed. And He had to be tested
at all points as we are. But rather than fall, He stood. In
Matt. Chapter three, Jesus Christ received the Holy Ghost.
Heaven was opened to Him after He was baptized in water.
Then in chapter 4, verse one, the Holy Spirit led Jesus, to be
tempted of the devil. The Holy Ghost Himself can lead you
into the wilderness for this necessary trial. And the chief examiner
in the wilderness is Satan, the devil. And the Holy
Spirit seemed to say, “I’ve brought my candidate. Please,
test him.” And the Spirit will sit somewhere waiting for
you to finish. It is the process of becoming an effective
leader, and minister. And the Bible said, “Being tempted 40
days of the devil and in those days Jesus ate nothing.”
The devil battered Him here and there, just testing for any
weakness. And I tell you sir, God will never take you to
battle as a sword or as a battle-axe until He has first of all
handed you over to the cruel tempter who will tempt you
without mercy, to see whether there is a point of weakness
where you will disappoint God later.
Remember, God led the children of Israel after they
left Egypt into the wilderness. What was His reason? He
wanted them to go through the test, so that He would know
the type of people they would be when they faced the battles
of Canaan. There was a shorter route. But He decided that
they should not go that way because they might run back
from Canaan to Egypt again if they omitted the necessary
wilderness experience. So He took them through the wilderness.
God knew there was the Red Sea. He was also the one
who went and stirred up Pharaoh to pursue them. God went
and mobilized Egyptians with their chariots behind them. It
was very tight and frightening, yet it was their first
baptism to see where they would turn to. He
was training them to look up. They were hedged
in; the Red sea in front, Egyptians at the back,
hills on the left and on the right. Some immediately
began to suggest that God just wanted to bury all
1 1 LIVING SEED Vol.10 No.1 Feb., 2003
their Days. There are certain tests that will come to you, not
because God does not know that you have a need. He wants
to test whether you will break in the face of such a need. He
is going to test whether you have developed that spiritual
stamina in the face of difficulties. My friend, I will ask you as
Jesus asked them: “Are you able to drink the cup and be
baptized with the baptism? If you say yes, you are able; He
will say, “You will indeed! So follow me.” And I have been
praying that you are not just reading for information. We
must need say, “Take me through the cup, take me
through the baptism.”
The Bible said the devil tempted Jesus at all points.
But the joy of my heart is that the same Bible said, “Jesus
returned in the power of the Holy Ghost.” Anointing does
not become power until you have gone through the wilderness
of testing. And from that point, “His fame went everywhere”.
But that Scripture also said, “But the devil left
Him for a while till another opportune time.” I must tell
you that the test for spiritual leadership does not come once
and for all. It comes in stages and in grades. So let us note
here: there is a Cup and there is a Baptism. All who aspire for
leadership must set themselves ready to partake of these.
Daniel, Samuel, Job, Japheth, Deborah, Esther, and
several others were men and women of like passion as you
are. They did not shun the discipline of the LORD. They
subjected themselves to this cup and this baptism in a measure.
They affected their generations because they were individually
affected.
Do not let where you stand today in your walk with
God become your destination. There is a yonder with God…
a place where men are cut for spiritual responsibility in God’s
service. God only offers this cup and this baptism to those
He loves and desires to use in a definite way. Who is interested
in this matter? Yet, it is not for the sake of posts and
positions at the right hand or the left hand. It is to become an
eligible candidate for spiritual leadership in the body of Christ,
for service among His people. Do you long to become a minister
of life unto men? Do you desire to be used to drag men
unto the Kingdom of God in their hundreds and thousands,
then bend down and ask for this cup.
Make me a battle-axe,
Kept, Lord in Thy quiver,
Tried, trimmed, sharpened in Thy furnace,
Meet for my Master’s use.
For further study:
(i) THE PRICE, PLIGHT, AND PERILS OF THE ANOINTED
– Gbile Akanni
(ii) WHAT GOD LOOKS FOR IN HIS VESSEL.
-Gbile Akanni
(iii) SPIRITUAL AUTHORITY -Watchman Nee.
was to put in this wilderness journey. They could not accumulate
wealth on the road. Of necessity they had to travel
light. No one was allowed to settle into anything. The pillar of
cloud may settle for three days or three weeks before it lifts
up for onward journey. No one could predict where the cloud
might rest and grant them an abode, and for how long. They
lived a pilgrim life; they ate pilgrim food. They could not engage
in any business with the citizens of the country they
were passing through. What a training God designed for His
people so that He might do them good in the end. They did
not take theoretical lesson on humility. He actually humbled
them for forty years, in the hope that it would become their
lifestyle.
He tested them to know what was in their hearts. It
is this baptism of trials and testing that God uses to reveal the
vivid condition of men’s hearts. It reveals areas of weakness
that need urgent attention. It is not at the land flowing with
milk and honey that you can locate a man’s heart. The wilderness
is designed to bring forth the very obscure aspects
of men’s hearts.
He wanted them to know by life and experience that
man shall not live by bread alone but man lives by every word
that proceeds out of the mouth of God. This is a necessity
for any man in God’s service. It is essential. No man can
actually bear God’s burdens among men, unless he has learnt
to live by God’s word. But God’s method of inculcating this
into their lives was not to organize a Bible Teaching Conference
on “Living by the word”. It was to allow them to hunger
and to come to the end of their bread of wheat. He now
responded with a Word: “In the morning you shall eat
bread”. There was no farm, no new harvest; no bakeries; no
new changes. But in the morning “manna” lay round their
camps. “Manna? Manna?” was their question: What is it? The
word “manna” meant (in their own native tongue), what is
this? No one knew what it was. As they picked it up, roasted,
baked, fried, boiled, pounded it, for their varieties of meals;
they kept asking the question; Manna? Manna? It was nothing
but the word that proceeded out of the mouth of God.
This happened every day for forty years, so that this singular
lesson may be carved into their hearts and personalities. This
was God’s choice of preparing them for the Promised Land.
It would take a daily waiting to catch “manna”. No one could
keep any of it over night. You were not sure of what to take
tomorrow, unless you would depend on the Word of promise
“in the morning there shall be bread”. It took this rigorous
training to learn “Living by the word”. Bible study of
three hours may look great, but I doubt if that is all it requires
to raise a man of faith fit for leadership in God’s house.
The Cup and Baptism is what all God’s choice men
had to take to step into the place where they stood for God in
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LIVING SEED Vol.10 No.1 Feb., 2003
bringing another person to help with a
given divine assignment was neither an
emergency nor a remedial measure to
make up for one’s weakness. It is not
necessarily because of your insufficiency
or your inability that you need to
work with others in the vineyard of our
Father, God. Even if you were perfect,
it would still not be good for you to be
alone in what you are given of God to do.
Distinction should be made of
the nature of the devil, Satan; who alone
heads and runs his system of demonic
government. We are told he was ranked
together with two other archangels, that
is consistent with divine nature, but the
devil bolted out to stand alone.
Have you bolted out of a team
in which you know God brought you in
to help do His work? Why resemble the
devil? I see this, Gen 2:18, having a
broader sense of a teamwork beyond
marriage of husband and wife. Even
though marriage also is a team for God’s
service for those who are born again
into God’s own family; God has demonstrated
that it is not good for His servants
to be alone in His service by building
up teams around even those that
were not married.
“…The Holy Ghost said, separate
me Barnabas and Saul for the
work whereunto I have called
them”Acts 13:3.
It is clear from scripture that
Paul never married (1 Cor7:8) and perhaps
Barnabas also (1Cor9: 5-6). Al-
A story is told of a father who
on his deathbed called his children with
one sole aim of teaching them the force
of togetherness. He is said to have given
each a dry slender stick to break. Each
broke his/hers effortlessly. He now gathered
many of such sticks together in
small bundles and gave to each to break.
It took more efforts for each to break
though the small bundles of sticks, but
they were broken all the same. Finally
he gathered all the sticks together in a
big bundle and gave to the strongest of
his children who tried all he could but
could not break the bundle. The old dying
father finally told his children the lesson
we must all learn: “even weaklings
bundled together are enough to stand
against any force”.
Divine Wisdom
For Teaming
And the Lord God said it is not
good that the man should be
alone: I will make him a help meet
for him.” Gen 2:18.
Our father in Heaven said this
after He had given man the work of
dressing and keeping His garden. It was
Him who discovered that it was not good
for the man to be doing this divine assignment
alone. This was well before
the fall by which untold weakness was
introduced into man’s life. He was at
this time in God’s image hence perfect
and well able to exercise his dominion
over the creation of God. The idea of
By Terwase Targema
though God would have Paul be without
partnership of a wife, yet He would
not leave him without that of a yoke fellow.
Both Barnabas and Paul were very
anointed individuals yet God would not
allow them to work each on his own.
They were capable of doing it successfully
if God willed it so. However, God’s
will for man is not to be alone in the
work of ministry. Alone, a spice does
not bring out the taste and texture of
God’s dough for divine service. We
know that they separated after sometimes,
but unto teams; and even at the
end Paul finally discovered his need of
Barnabas’ work. The wisdom of the
original divine arrangement for any Godgiven
service is partnership. Scriptures
are very quiet about Elijah’s marital status
but not of his ministerial partner.
While He never bothered with marriage,
our Lord Jesus expended much of His
ministerial time and energy on raising
His team.
Check very carefully, who,
however anointed ever ministered alone
in scriptures and succeeded – Samson?
No! Samson failed before he started,
even though greatly anointed. As soon as
“…The Spirit of the LORD began
to move upon him at Mahaneh
Dan between Zorah and Eshtaol.
Now Samson went down to
Timnah, and saw a woman in
Timnah of the daughters of the
Philistines.” Judges 13:25; 14:1 .
The move of the Spirit of God on
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LIVING SEED Vol.10 No.1 Feb., 2003
Samson had only begun, not yet
steady with him, and he went
down. The move was yet “at
times” and from this time he
took a downward trend to his
doom. His going down to what
would kill him was very early in
his ministerial life. Remember it
was a woman that finally killed
him. He failed before he began.
Characteristics
Of A Strong Team
A good team must reflect
the characteristic similar to
the Godhead. The greatest team
is the divine trinity. It is amazing
how this team functions in
another- centeredness, rather
than self-centeredness. This is
the first and most important
characteristic, if a team will
achieve a common vision.
Dr Sid Buzzel et al,
commented that the three persons
of the Trinity worked together
in perfect harmony to accomplish
our salvation as
brought out in Eph 1:3-14.
Studying that scripture and several
others the work of the Father,
Son and the Holy Spirit in
salvation are individually distinct
but never complete without the
others. In summary, the Father
initiated our salvation, (v 3-
6) the Son accomplished it
(v7-12) and the Holy Spirit
made it real in our lives (v13-
14). None of this aspect of salvation
is inferior to the other nor
could stand on its own. None
of the persons of the Trinity did
anything with the mind to outplay
the others. Rather, each competed
to portray the other as having done
it all.
“In the beginning God created
the heavens and the
You are welcome. This edition marks another turning point
in the growth of LIVING SEED. The full color and the
glossy cover are all part of our Father’s further investment
to make this an endearing blessing to you and the Body
of Christ at large.
Our burden for this edition is to consider the core- courses
of God’s curriculum for fashioning men who must bear
responsibility in the kingdom. As we studied Jesus, we
discovered that sufferings, trials, and temptations are the
essential ingredients in the divine moulding of men’s character
to fit them for leadership.
MINISTERS’ COLUMN confronts us with God’s wisdom and
bulwark against the powers of darkness… It is not necessarily
the making of an individual into a “mighty lone ranging
star”… but the building of a team of ordinary men and
women fortified by the strength that unity in Christ supplies.
“I will build My CHURCH and the gates of hell shall not
prevail…”
BEDROCKS repackages for us God’s purpose in Christ
Jesus- it is much more than the healings of our bodies or
deliverances from one long list of occurrences to the otherrather,
it is the whole of one’s life that is “bent-over” and
needs “STRAIGHTENING OUT”. T his, God does when we
come under the hands of Jesus in discipleship.
In THE OTHER SIDE OF GOD, several sages bear testimony
to the sovereignty of God in choosing how to be glorified
in our individual lives and situations- He may choose to
deliver from predicaments in response to our agonies and
tears, or better still, may calculatedly ignore our feelings
in order to bring about a much bigger and fruitful divine
purpose- but in it all His grace will be available.
In A DECISION, Daniel, a young man with rare combinations
that dwarf the C.V’s of present day youths: (Cuteness,
poise, outstanding intelligence, plus a royal blood running
through his veins…) chose rather to inherit eternal life by
an unbending consecration to his Lord and creator than
to preoccupy himself and become conceited with earthly
ephemerals… What is your decision?
We prayerfully send these ( and others more) across your
way to assit you on this race for eternal life. Remember,
this generation is counting on you, the host of Heaven is
watching, and the Lord is waiting to receive you!
I am your sister
Ene Aideyan
1 3 LIVING SEED Vol.10 No.1 Feb., 2003
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LIVING SEED Vol.10 No.1 Feb., 2003
earth. Now the earth was formless
and empty darkness was over the
surface of the deep and the spirit
of God was hovering over the waters
and God said, let there be light
and there was light.” Gen 1:1-13.
This account of creation would portray
God the father as the creator and He is.
Even the presence and works of the
Spirit, (v2) and the Word, the Son here
(v3) looks assisting and secondly. Even
in this account the team functioning of
the three persons of the Godhead is
clearly evident. In Ps.104: 30 in the account
of creation again; it was as if God
You are certainly a weakening factor of
the team you are working with.
The second characteristic of
good team is that it must have a common
vision to achieve – all members
must find themselves working towards
that one overwhelming vision. One of
the best teams in the Old Testament was
David’s team. To me it is only second
best to Jesus’ team. One overwhelming
characteristic of David’s team we wish
to consider for our learning is the singular
purpose for which those mighty
men were mobilized of the Lord. The
singular purpose was so repeatedly reported
of them as if seeing any of these
David’s soldiers, you would immediately
read on their faces this one purpose
of their pursuit.
“ All these men came in battle array
to Hebron with the single purpose
of making David king…”
1Chro 12:38 (Study Group Bible).
The David’s team was composed of
many people. Going by the figures available
they were approximately 340,000
soldiers, even though this is clearly an
under statement since only officers are
numbered of the tribe of Isaachar. The
team was also made of very mighty
warriors who could clearly command a
troop of their own. For example, officers
from the Gad were
“Experts with both shield and spear,
Horn-faced men, swift as deer
upon mountains- the weakest was
worth a hundred normal troops
and the greatest was worth a thousand.
They crossed the Jordan
River during its seasonal flooding
and conquered the lowlands on
both the east and west banks.”
1Chro 12:8,14,15.
There were some among that army that
withstood the whole army of Philistine
all alone and earned a name. I am not
sure they were just intimidated by
David’s fighting skill and were there to
o f S a m s o n !
wanted us to know that even though He
was the one we saw as creating the creations,
we should know who actually
did it:
“When You send Your Spirit they
are created…”
See God the father leaving us with the
sense that creation was done by the
Spirit. Before we could settle down with
that conclusion the New Testament portrays
the picture differently again.
John 1:1,3,14-17 leads you to knowing
that the Bible is talking of Jesus Christ,
the only begotten of the father.
“All things were made by him: and
without him was not anything
made.” John1: 3.
The picture shifts to the son as the creator
of all things (Col. 1:14-16). Rather
than each trying to underline His own
contribution in creation, it is no problem
to the others for creations to reveal
as the work of any of the Persons of
the Godhead.
We had noted that individualism
in the service of God is inspired by
the devil. He could not work in the team
of the three archangels. This is, however,
the quiet characteristic of several
ministers in the service of God. Every
thing they do must have their names
boldly printed on it. Should any try to
play down their prominence in a work,
they would rather break away. People
name Christian works after their names
and so register them. What they do must
not be lost into another person. They
must sign every letter they write in the
ministry structure, not because they
want to claim responsibility for any implication
but to gain prominence and be
known and heard. We need to check the
spirit behind all the quiet struggles even
to be known and heard by you as an
individual, when you could safely have
done all you are doing under a corporate
name or even the name of your
leader. You fear he will be known while
no one will ever know you are there?
1 5 LIVING SEED Vol.10 No.1 Feb., 2003
Saul, just as the Lord had promised.”
To discover that all were eager to make
David king is a witness to the inner
mobilization of each of the team members.
Nobody was following the persuasion
of another person. Every member
of this team had come to make the matter
of making David the king as a personal
project to be achieved in his
lifetime. They invested their time
and personal resources in this not as a
national project yet, but theirs personally.
Each wanted to be a kingmaker.
David did not provide even the food they
ate and what they drank. People from
far away
Isaachar,
Zebulun and
Naphtali
brought food on
learn under him as to stand on their own
tomorrow. What made this great army
in number and might to come to be committed
to making David king shows
what must happen to any team for it to
achieve its purpose.
“ They were all eager (anxious) to
see David become king instead of
The devil loses when Chr i st ians
t eam up against his kingdom
THE MINISTERING TEAM
(Continue On Page 31)
The Challenge Of Manhood
In Fulfilling God’s Purpose
Theme:
Contact:
PEACE HOUSE,
19, Gyado hosp. Rd, G.R.A.,Gboko.
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LIVING SEED Vol.10 No.1 Feb., 2003
“Now He was teaching in one of the synagogues
on the Sabbath. And behold there was a woman
who had a spirit of infirmity eighteen years, and
was bent over and could in no way raise herself up.
But when Jesus saw her, He called her to Him and
said to her, “ woman, you are loosed from your
infirmity. And He laid His hands on her, and immediately
she was made straight, and glorified
God.” Lk13: 10-14.
The above scripture raises certain issues that need to
be drawn out for our edification and admonition so that we
can stand and walk straight with the Lord without any crook-
1 6
edness. It happened on a Sabbath day as Jesus was teaching
in one of the synagogues that He saw an unusual sight. He
saw a woman who was bent over and could in no way raise
herself. She had a spirit of infirmity for eighteen years. The
first thing to note in that scripture is that Jesus was not the
first person to ever preach in that synagogue without seeing
that woman.
Jesus Saw Her…
She must have been a regular member there for people
to know her with that infirmity for eighteen years. Yet preachers
preached but never saw her. Some might have seen her,
yet they did not see her. They did not see her situation. Their
eyes of compassion were not opened to see her and be touched
by the feelings of her infirmity. That in itself is an infirmity of
a kind in a preacher. Many times we have been given opportunities
to preach. We go, we preach but we often do not
‘see’ the people; we are not touched by the situation of the
people. All we are concerned about is to preach and so we
preach as some one beating the air and wasting punches. We
preach into the air and nothing about the people touches us.
And since nothing in the lives of the people touches our hearts,
nothing from our lives touches them too. “Deep only calls
to the deep.” It is the depth of compassion we have for the
people and how much of their situation touches our hearts
that determines how much we could affect the people by the
help of the Holy Spirit. This is a challenge. What is the purpose
of preaching if not to touch people’s lives and save them
from their troubles whether physical or spiritual?
Paul says,
“Therefore I run thus: not with uncertainty. Thus I
fight not as one who beats the air.” 1 Cor 9:26.
It is a waste of grace, a waste of heaven’s resources to
preach without a compassionate heart that can see people in
their infirmities and touch them with a heavenly touch. Yet, it
is quite possible to be such a preacher, dry, hard-hearted and
graceless, only concerned about what to gain and not what to
impact on the people. There are preachers who are not touched
by the infirmities of the people but are definitely touched by
the pockets and the cars of the people. As soon as they mount
the pulpit to preach, what they see is the dressing of the people
and any other thing that could show how fat their pockets
are. And so the preacher summons strength and psychology
to cause them to bring out what is in their pockets, not what
is in their hearts. The preacher has power to collect their
offerings but no power to heal them of their infirmities and
set them free from their sins. Brother, sister, man of God, are
you such a preacher? This is a great infirmity of a kind. It is
a definite blindness of the purpose of God for redemption.
“Straightened
Out”
By Sade Akanni
LIVING SEED Vol.10 No.1 Feb., 2003
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That is enough a matter to raise a cry to
heaven about. While teaching, Jesus ‘saw’
that woman. He saw her infirmity. We need
God to touch our eyes afresh so that we
may see people as the Lord sees them, in
their real situation. There is need to pray
for a restoration of spiritual sensitivity of
the pulpit to the true condition in the pew.
She Could Not Stand
Straight
Considering the condition of that
woman, the Bible says, she was bent over
-she was bound together-and could in no
way raise herself up. “Bent over…” by
whom? Certainly by the devil… by a spirit
of infirmity. What a wicked spirit! You can
imagine someone bent over like this. Imagine
the agony that woman went through everyday
for eighteen years!
There are many people who have
been bent over like this. You may have been
bound together even physically in your body
like this woman. You may have been experiencing
stiffness in neck, your back or even
your legs. Or yours may be other kinds of
physical infirmities that have bent your life
over. You may have looked for help in many
quarters. But there is only one touch you
need: a touch from Jesus. If you want to
cry at all, the only cry you need to make is
to the only One who could help you and
release you from that bondage: Jesus Christ
the Lord, the Healer. People who cried out
to Him for a touch received it. Even those
who do not cry out for whatever reason
still received His touch as soon as He saw
them. How I pray you will cry out! And
how I pray you will be in a position where
He will see you and touch you. You do not
have to remain in that situation. You can
receive His touch even now if you are willing,
in Jesus’ Name, Amen.
The woman in this story did not
cry out. We are not told the reason. She
probably had sought for help in many places.
But as she could not find any, she resolved
for help. He will hear you. But while the
infirmity lasts, never allow that to weigh
you down and hinder you from fulfilling
your spiritual obligation to worship Him and
serve Him. Just as it happened to this
woman, it could be there that the Lord would
meet you, see you and touch you.
The infirmity of your own life, may,
however not be a physical sickness. It may
be that of sin. Do you discover as a married
woman that you are quarrelsome and
highly irritable? Any time you are considered
for a higher service in God’s work,
there are always people to give a truly bad
report about your character. And so even
though you are ten or twenty years old in
the Lord, you can only be allowed to touch
menial things, ignoble things in Kingdom
service. That sin is gradually binding and
bending you over so that you cannot raise
yourself up. You need help. Or have you
been bound together by the sin of immorality?
You may be single or married or even a
widow but you commit immorality secretly
and even publicly. Do you find yourself reading
immoral books or engaging in immoral
thoughts? Do you practice masturbation or
lesbianism, young lady? You know it is
wrong? You might have even prayed about
it but you have not been able to stop it. You
are already bent over and you could in no
way raise yourself up. You need an urgent
divine intervention lest that sin binds you,
hand and feet, and casts you into hell fire
any moment from now.
Your own infirmity may be that of
debts. You have become accustomed to borrowing
and you are engaged in it so much
that you are neck deep in it. It has started
bringing you into shame already and you
are unable to lift up your head in the society;
yet you still find yourself continuing to
borrow. You even borrow in order to settle
other debts. When people counsel you to
stop borrowing and be contented with what
you have, you find scriptures to support
your action, and silence them. You are already
bent over and if you do not cry out
to God for help, you will never be able to
There are very many cases
today of people who are
“bent over” and are unable
to stand straight any more.
Their own infirmities may
not be physical… Some are
“bent over” because of sins
and despicable habits.
Others are struggling with
bad characters that have
reduced them in the
household of God to handling
menial things and
have thus become unusable
to God. And yet others
there are who are bent
double by debts and
credit… Still others that
timidity and fear have
pegged their lives below
what God has ordained for
them to step into. And
there could still be others
that grief and sorrow have
made them unable to lift up
their heads.
to take it as her fate in life. She decided
to even keep going to worship
God despite her situation. Her
physical infirmity was not enough
to stop her communion with God.
What a love for God! What a
woman of faith! No matter your
physical infirmity, cry to the Lord
1 7 LIVING SEED Vol.10 No.1 Feb., 2003
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LIVING SEED Vol.10 No.1 Feb., 2003
had stayed at home on that day, she would have missed
her miracle. You must ask God to help you to be at the
right place at the right time. It takes God’s help to
achieve that. Blind Bartimeaus was at the right place
on that day when Jesus was passing by and he
received his sight. Zacchaeus was at the right place
where Jesus would pass through; he had the right
attitude and desire. When Jesus got to the place
where he was, He lifted up His eyes and saw
Zacchaeus. Suppose he had stayed away as a
‘big man’ (the chief tax collector) on that
day, he would have missed the deliverance he
needed from his sins and the salvation of his
soul. You must be at the right place at the
right time. Besides that, you must develop and
have the right attitude of worship despite your
situation. You must have an attitude of humility
before God. Do not be too proud to go to
the Lord for help. Your attitude must be that
of expectation, always waiting for the Lord
to act on your behalf. The Lord says,
“But on this one will I look. On him who is
poor and of a contrite Spirit, and who
trembles at My Word.” Isa 66:2b.
She Came To Jesus
For Jesus to see you and turn His attention to your
life, you must have the right attitude and be at the right place.
When Jesus saw her, He called her to Him. It was after she
came to Him that Jesus healed her. Ever before you receive
the healing or deliverance you need, you need to obey His
call. He is always calling people to Himself .He says:
“Come to Me all you who labour and are heavy
laden, and I will give you rest.” (Matt 11:28).
“Behold I stand at the door and knock. If any one
hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in
to him…” Rev.3:20.
Your first need is to come to Jesus. It is not healing. It is not
lifting up your head. It is because you are not really with
Jesus and in Him that the problem, that oppression and that
bondage came into your life. He is calling you to Himself up
till now. Come to Jesus. Yield your life to Him in absolute
surrender. You know what that means. Allow Him to save
you and be the Lord over your life. That will be the end of
that trouble. David said in the book of Psalms that the Lord is
his glory and the lifter up of his head. He will lift up your head
again. He will straighten you out.
As the woman obeyed that instruction and came to
raise your self up. Even your children will suffer
from this infirmity of yours when you die.
Perhaps the infirmity that has bound you
and bent you over so that you are unable to walk
tall and straight as a child of God is timidity. As
a woman, you know what God is asking you
to do. You know the grace that has been deposited
in your life as a child of God for the
Body of Christ. Your husband may even not
be against your usefulness in Kingdom service.
But because you are timid, you keep
dodging the inner prompting of the Holy
Spirit every time. Outwardly, it looks like
humility but it is timidity. You are so shy,
so fearful inside that you are becoming unavailable
for holy use. Now people have
started packing you aside and are already
forgetting you. You were meant to grow
tall in the Body of Christ but timidity is
cutting you short. You are already bent over
and you can in no way raise yourself up.
You need help.
Could it be the death of your husband
that seems to have bent you over?
You keep sorrowing over this and your grief
multiplies day after day as if you will never walk straight
again. You might have even experienced a lot of ridicule and
oppression from people so much that you despair ever being
able to raise up yourself and lift up your head again in the
society. You need a touch from the Lord. Instead of sorrowing
and giving up, you can cry to Him for help and yield your
life into His hands. You can even do as the woman in this
story did, worshipping and serving God.
You may have been bent over as a result of barrenness
and already you are unable to raise up yourself and walk
straight in your husband’s family and even in the society. The
touch you need is not of any man but of the Lord. Or is it
Satan that has bound your head and bent you over? Do you
keep experiencing one demonic attack or the other in your
dreams or even in the physical realm? You need divine help.
The touch you need is that of Jesus, not of herbalists or witch
doctors, not even of any man.
She Was At The Right Place
We are told in that scripture that when Jesus saw
her, He called her to Him… (Vs.12). Whatever is the thing
that has bound you together and bent you over, the important
thing to do is to be where Jesus will see you. If that woman
1 9 LIVING SEED Vol.10 No.1 Feb., 2003
Jesus her own part of the matter finished. The Lord Jesus
began to play His own part. You have a role to play in securing
your deliverance. Yet that role is not difficult. It is not
what a man cannot do. Why do you linger? What Jesus will
do in your life is what no man can do. Even you yourself
have not been able to do it, just as that woman had never been
able to lift herself up. What has hitherto been impossible for
you is what only God can do. And that is what He wants to
do. But in order to secure your agreement for Him to do it,
you must come to Him. You must confess
that sin or those sins to Him. You
must humble yourself before Him.
Come to Jesus. Leave the company of
sinners. Leave your shell of unbelief.
That woman left her seat, she left
where she was and came to Jesus. You
must do the same. Leave …and come
to Jesus. That is what will make Jesus
touch you with a lasting touch.
As she came to Jesus, He said
to her “ woman, you are loosed from
your infirmity”. The truth is that you
are already bound in your situation just
as that woman was. You cannot loosen
yourself. You need to be loosed and that
is what Jesus wants to do. He spoke
the word of deliverance to the woman:
‘you are loosed from your infirmity.’
You also need a word from Jesus. You
need to hear Him speak to you the word
that will bring about your deliverance.
“He sent His Word and
healed them, and delivered
them from their destructions.”
Ps 107:20.
God does His work by His word. Even to create the
heavens and the earth, He spoke His word. To heal people
and raise the dead, He spoke to them. When the woman with
the issue of blood touched His garment and was made whole,
she wanted to escape quietly. But to perfect the healing, Jesus
sought to make her come to Him. When she did, He spoke to
her.
You need a word from the Lord. It is His word (The
truth) that will make you free. There are many words written
in the Bible about healing. Yet, you may confess all of them
and you will not be healed. Why? It is because the Lord has
not spoken it to you. There is a word He will particularly
speak to you that will finish your problem. Listen to Him and
receive instruction from His mouth.
She Came Under The
Hands Of Jesus
The Lord Jesus Christ went a step further. He laid
His hands on her. That means a lot. He may need to use
another brother or sister to place their physical hands on you
and pray for you before you can be made whole. Do not
resist the Lord. Once you come to Jesus, abandon yourself in
His hands. He knows what to do. In this scripture, though, I
am seeing more than a physical laying
on of hands. Jesus wants you to come
under His hands before your life can be
straightened out and your head lifted up.
Your problem needs more than praying
and casting out devils before you can
be completely free. The Lord wants you
to come under His hands, under His tutelage
and learn from Him. He wants
you to learn His lifestyle. He wants to
fill you with His word. When a demon
is cast out of a man, the Bible says,
“When an unclean spirit goes out of a
man, he goes through dry places, seeking
rest; and finding none, he says, ‘I
will return to my house from which I
came’. And when he comes, he finds
it swept and put in order. Then he goes
and takes with him seven other spirits
more wicked than himself, and they
enter and dwell there; and the last state
of that man is worse than the first.”
Lk. 11:24-26 (NKJV).
WHEN Jesus saves, heals or
delivers you, demons are sent packing.
He cleanses you and puts your life in order. There and then
you experience a rest. Yet that is not enough. If you stop at
that level, your miracle will not last. You need to come under
His hands. You need to start learning His lifestyle. You need
to start filling your life that has been swept and put in order,
with God’s word. Our hearts must not be left empty, lest the
devil comes back to you in full force. You need to immediately
start learning His ways. You must come under His hand
and learn of Him. That is discipleship. After receiving His rest
as stated in Matt 11:28-30, the next thing you must do is to
take His yoke upon you and learn of Him. That is what will
make your rest a permanent reality.
b o t h t o G o d , a n d t o m a n !
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LIVING SEED Vol.10 No.1 Feb., 2003
She Glorified God
Jesus laid His hands upon her and immediately,
she was made straight and glorified
God. You also shall be made straight as you follow
these instructions. Your rugged life, your
crooked path shall be made straight. Your head
that is bowed down and bent over shall be lifted
up again in JESUS’ name. But you must also
glorify God with your life hereafter as that
woman did. Some received miracles from the
Lord this way but went to beer palour to celebrate
them. Some just went back to their old
ways of life after being granted rest by the Lord.
That is not the will of God for setting you free
and lifting up your head. It is so that you may
glorify Him. Do not glorify self or the devil with it. Your life
must begin to bring glory to the Lord henceforth. You must go
and sin no more. Stand now and begin to live right. You must
boldly turn your back at whatever led you into that condition
that bound you together. You need to take your stand now and
begin to live right.
.
“Let your light so shine before men, that they
may see your good works and glorify your Father
in heaven.” Matt 5:16.
Begin to glorify God in your heart, with
your mouth and with your life. Do not be shy
about it. Let the fruit of righteousness fill your
character. That is what will bring glory to the Lord.
“By this My Father is glorified that
you bear much fruit…” John 15:8.
Your life must produce godly fruit and a
righteous character henceforth. That woman immediately
glorified God. She was not shy about
it. The whole congregation knew that day that
she had become a different woman. Why will you
conceal what the Lord has done? You also, begin
to glorify God as soon as you are made straight. Glorify Him
with your lips; glorify Him with a completely changed character,
a godly lifestyle. That is what will make your salvation,
your deliverance and your rest a permanent experience. You
also will soon become an instrument in God’s hand to bring
others out of their troubles. Praise the Lord!
Raymond Kangeh 2003
2 1 LIVING SEED Vol.10 No.1 Feb., 2003
thought, He is deeper than I understood,
He is higher than I knew and wider than
I imagined. There is another side of God
that is not clearly known to many. So I
have quietly drawn this conclusion in
my heart that, any person desiring to
make heaven who does not know this
other side of God, may give up the pursuit
of God on the way.
Many things happen to Christians
that our human understanding and
reasoning may not justify God: and when
these experiences come we query God
with questions like “how can?” “Where
was God?” “What is my sin?” (At such
points, you find Christians looking for
what to confess, they may even start
confessing that which they did not commit).
They think like I thought, that it
must always be a kind of sin that brought
the undesirable experience.
Now I know better. It is not
always so. The journey to heaven is long
and diversified. If any man is intending
to make this journey to a successful end,
then he must count the cost. Has it ever
occurred to you why an HIV/AIDS victim
who was infected while living in the
world (unbeliever) but during the illness
repented PROPERLY and yet this illness
defied all prayers? Why is it that a child
of God will make very sincere prayers
before starting a journey, sometimes
even going for or returning from
preaching engagement, and yet have a
ghastly motor accident? Why should
armed robbers have access to a man of
God so much as to attack and sometimes
even kill him? Why should children
of God experience barrenness that
has defied all medical and spiritual approaches?
These are questions that used
to bother me. Now I know better; that
God is just being God.
One day Peter asked Jesus a
question. He said “Lord we have left
all and followed thee”. Jesus knew that
Peter had not finished asking that question,
but knowing where Peter was going,
He answered and said “no man
who has left mother, father, lands,
etc will go unrewarded but right in
this world, he will have fathers, sisters,
lands etc and PERSECUTION”.
Persecution is strange on this list. It does
not fit in at all. We are looking for blessings,
why should we have persecution?
Strangely enough, it was Jesus who said
it. If it were another preacher like Paul,
we may say it is wrong doctrine. But
By
Emmanuel
Akaahimbe
“It is a fearful thing to fall into
the hands for the living God”
Heb. 10:31.
“For our God is a consuming fire”
Heb 12:29
“If it be so, our God whom we serve
is able to deliver us from the burning
furnace, and He will deliver
us from thy hands oh king.
BUT IF NOT, be it known unto
thee oh king that we will not serve
thy gods, nor worship the golden
image which thou hast set up”.
Daniel 3:17-18
“Knowing therefore the TERROR
of the Lord we warn men…”
2 Cor 5:11
“…Behold the Lamb of God”
John 1:36.
“…The Lion of the tribe of
Judah.” Rev 5:5.
These and several other references
abound in the word of God to
prove that God is not just what we think,
He is but more than that.
Several years of interactions
with some Christian friends; some new
converts, some very old experienced
Christians, have shown that there is a
popular side of God that most Christians
associate Him with. I have done
that before now. That popular side I
would like to refer to it as the ‘positive
and the good’ side. There was a time I
thought and also believed that no evil
can happen to a child of God (for example
things like accident, failure in examinations,
barrenness, poverty, suffering
etc) except those living in sin. I
thought that it was only sin that brings
these upon brethren. But in these my
few years of walking with God the story
is different. God is bigger than what I
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LIVING SEED Vol.10 No.1 Feb., 2003
God had said concerning Jesus in LK
9:35, “This is my beloved son in
whom I am well pleased, HEAR YE
HIM”. Dear friend, did you hear that?
Why should that which we expect to
bless be prophesying persecution, suffering
and hardship for us? And heaven
did not query that doctrine, instead we
are told to give attention to this truth,
“hear Him”. Brother, has your relation
ever fallen sick and you prayed and
fasted while the illness grew worse and
ended in death like it happened to king
David in 2Sam 12:15-19? You may want
to explain that this child was the product
of adultery but what about your relation?
Let us consider the case of
Daniel and his friends in the scripture
quoted above. It was the service of King
of kings that would not allow Daniel and
his friends to compromise their faith to
the image that was set up. Daniel and
his friends seemed to know this God
deeper than us; they understood him
more, they knew him better; they knew
the other side of God. When they were
threatened with death, they made a resolve.
They told king Nebuchadnezzar
to his face that this God that they serve
is all- powerful. Just as He has power
to deliver from fire, He has power also
to allow fire to consume. They said that
the God whom they served was able to
deliver them and He would, BUT IF
NOT… Daniel knew that, there is an ‘if
not’ with the God they served. This is the
complete knowledge of God. This is that
other side that I intend to discuss here.
Brother, I know that you know
God to some extent. You may have
known only one side of Him, the popular,
positive and blessed side. You may
have known Him only as the water of
life; you do not know Him as the CONSUMING
FIRE. You may have known
Him as the gentle Lamb only; you need
to also know Him as the Lion of the tribe
of Judah. Do you only know Him as the
loving Jesus? Let me also announce to
you that He is TERRIBLE.
You need to know also that the
same God who blesses, promises persecution
and suffering.
“For even hereunto were ye called:
because Christ also suffered for us,
leaving us an example, that ye
should follow his steps.”
1 Peter 2:21.
You wake up every morning
claiming all the blessing and prosperity
that you know about but never claiming
a single suffering, a perfect example
which Christ left for us to follow in his
steps. Your Christian experience remains
shallow until you know this other side
of God.
While there are records of men
who walked with God so well that He
called them friends, Abraham for example,
yet, He is a terror, an angry lion
when He notices evil. His face is against
them that do evil. God is a friend of the
righteous man but a terror to the evil
worker. How are you preparing to meet
this God? If you walk in righteousness,
you are sure to meet him as the gentle
lamb whose blood washed away your
sins and qualified you into His presence
and brought your name in the Lamb’s
book of life; but if you persist in secret
sins then be ready to meet a Terror; He
is a consuming fire.
When Daniel knew that there
was an ‘if not’ with his God, he made
up his mind not to fear the fiery furnace
nor the lions’ den. He knew that if he
did not die a glorious death, he would
die a shameful one. He knew that onesided
knowledge of God was not sufficient
for this great journey to eternity.
I hear some sisters saying to
this my all-round God, ‘if He does not
give me a husband next year, I will
backslide ’. To whose disadvantage?
When you backslide, you only depopulate
heaven and populate hell. Daniel
knew that he needed the balanced
knowledge of God to go to heaven. How
many ignorant brethren have fallen by
the way side because they met some “if
nots” on their journeys to heaven? Be
ready for more of such experiences. This
is a core course for every child of God.
“And Asa cried out to the LORD
his God, and said, LORD, it is
nothing for You to help, whether
with many or with those who have
no power; help us, O LORD our
God, for we rest on You, and in
Your name we go against this multitude.
O LORD, You are our God;
do not let man prevail against You.
So the LORD struck the Ethiopians
before Asa and Judah, and the
Ethiopians fled.
Then Asa brought silver and gold
from the treasuries of the house
of the LORD and of the king’s
house, and sent to Ben-Hadad
king of Syria, who dwelt in Damascus,
saying, “Let there be a treaty
between you and me, as there was
between my father and your father.
Here, I have sent you silver
and gold; come, break your treaty
with Baasha king of Israel, so that
he will withdraw from me. And at
that time Hanani the seer came to
Asa king of Judah, and said to
him: “Because you have relied on
the king of Syria, and have not
relied on the LORD your God,
therefore the army of the king of
Syria has escaped from your hand.
Then Asa was angry with the seer,
and put him in prison, for he was
enraged at him because of this.
And Asa oppressed some of the
people at that time.
And in the thirty-ninth year of his
reign, Asa became diseased in his
feet, and his malady was severe;
yet in his disease he did not seek
the LORD, but the physicians.
So Asa rested with his fathers; he died
in the forty-first year of his reign.”
2 3 LIVING SEED Vol.10 No.1 Feb., 2003
2 Chr. 14:11,12; 16:2, 3, 7, 10, 12,13.
King Asa’s encounter with God
was first on this popular side of blessing.
God gave him victories in battles,
gave him riches, made him popular and
gave him a name. But then he decided
to misbehave; his possessions dispossessed
him of God. He began to depend
on his money to make a way for himself.
He provoked God to anger, and
defied all warnings. Then he met a terrible
angry Lion. God will be as gentle
as a lamb with you until you touch sin.
He will immediately change His gentility
to hostility. Do you know this side of
God?
“For the kingdom of heaven is like
a man traveling to a far country,
who called his own servants and
delivered his goods to them.
And to one he gave five talents, to
another two, and to another one,
to each according to his own ability;
and immediately he went on a
journey.
Then he who had received the five
talents went and traded with them,
and made another five talents.
And likewise he who had received
two gained two more also.
But he who had received one went
and dug in the ground, and hid
his lord’s money.
After a long time the lord of
those servants came and settled accounts
with them.
So he who had received five talents
came and brought five other talents,
saying, ‘Lord, you delivered to me
five talents; look, I have gained five
more talents besides them.’
His lord said to him, ‘Well done,
good and faithful servant; you
were faithful over a few things, I
will make you ruler over many things.
Enter into the joy of your lord.’
He also who had received two talents
came and said, ‘Lord, you
delivered to me two talents; look, I
have gained two more talents besides
them.’
His lord said to him, ‘Well done,
good and faithful servant; you
have been faithful over a few
things, I will make you ruler over
many things. Enter into the joy of
your lord.’
Then he who had received the one
talent came and said, ‘Lord, I knew
you to be a hard man, reaping
where you have not sown, and gathering
where you have not scattered
seed.
And I was afraid, and went and hid
your talent in the ground. Look,
there you have what is yours.’
But his lord answered and said to
him, ‘You wicked and lazy servant,
you knew that I reap where I have
not sown, and gather where I have
not scattered seed.
So you ought to have deposited my
money with the bankers, and at my
coming I would have received back
my own with interest.
Therefore take the talent from him,
and give it to him who has ten talents.
For to everyone who has, more will
be given, and he will have abundance;
but from him who does not
have, even what he has will be
taken away.
And cast the unprofitable servant
into the outer darkness. There will
be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”
Matt 25:14-30.
This is the story of the three servants of
the king. The first two who did what
the master wanted met a gentle smiling
Lamb, but that lazy one, who only
wasted the master’s resources – this
waste is not that he used it on himself,
but that he did not make profit, was the
capital offence- met a terrible master.
God has not left you without a talent.
Waste here does not imply loss of capital.
He brought back the capital intact.
But for not making profit he saw the
other side of the Master. What are you
doing with the talent in your hands?
Daniel said “… ‘If not’ I will
not serve your image”. Daniel meant that
his serving God was not conditional, his
serving God did not depend on if God
would supply all his needs according to
His riches in Christ Jesus. He meant that
whatever happened he had chosen
heaven and would not exchange it for
any thing; not even his life.
“And Jacob vowed a vow saying,
if God will be with me and keep
me in this way that I go, and will
give me bread to eat and raiment
to put on, so that I come again to
my father’s house in peace; then
shall the Lord be my God.”
Gen 28:20.
This Elder also at this time knew only
the God of Daniel 3:17-the deliverer,
he did not know the “but if not” of verse
18. His knowledge was not balanced
then. In his ignorance he even gave God
conditions if he must serve Him. He began
his relationship with God on “IF”
whereas Daniel began with “but if not”
– that no matter what happened, he was
going to continue with God and would
not compromise. Jacob’s bargains were
bread (food), raiment (clothes) and journey
mercies (safety).
Dear friend, I do not know
what conditions you have quietly set in
your heart as your basis for serving God.
The Lord could give you all these and
even more, but He may also in His wisdom
choose not to give you any of these
and He will still be God.
Let us take a critical look at
Jacob’s list of conditionality. Is it food
that would separate you from knowing
and following hard after this God? “Man
shall not live by bread alone but by
every word of God.” May be you have
judged God as a failure and have started
working out your own ways of sustain2
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LIVING SEED Vol.10 No.1 Feb., 2003
ing yourself. You have possibly gone
even to Egypt to fend for yourself, or
you are just considering taking this dangerous
step to Egypt. God said to Isaac,
go not down to Egypt, sow in Gera and
you would reap. When Isaac obeyed,
he met God’s blessing. But much more
than that I wish you could ask help from
God to follow on even if you sowed and
did not reap.
Do you remember Elimelech,
the husband of Naomi? Famine drove
them from the land of God, Bethlehem
of Judah into Moab, a land that its foundation
was built on a very terrible fornication.
Father fornicating with daughter,
the kind that even non-church goers
abhor. Is that a place for a child of God
to go for help? I do not know your
peculiar experiences. I pray that you do
not behave like Jacob who would only
come to God on his own terms.
His second condition was raiment.
Even if Jacob could not do without
food, he should be able to do without
clothes. Sisters, are you like Jacob
who cannot serve God because you lack
changes of raiment? This only proves
you are not a serious minded follower
of Christ. What can you not leave behind
in order to go with the Master?
When you are experiencing this kind of
situation, God may only be introducing
you to the other side of Him. Your soul
is more precious than raiment. I wish
you could come to the point where you
can make a bold declaration like brother
Paul the Apostle that ‘nothing can separate
me from the love of Christ’.
Whereas for Jacob food, raiment, and
insecurity, attacks etc can separate him
from Christ, for Paul nothing. Are they
going to different heavens?
Paul the Apostle gave a long list
of the sufferings that he went through.
In summary he described them as
LIGHT affliction. Now see the details
of what Paul called light affliction:
“From the Jews five times I received
forty stripes minus one.
Three times I was beaten with rods;
once I was stoned; three times I was
shipwrecked; a night and a day I
have been in the deep;
In journeys often, in perils of waters,
in perils of robbers, in perils
of my own countrymen, in perils
of the Gentiles, in perils in the city,
in perils in the wilderness, in perils
in the sea, in perils among false
brethren;
In weariness and toil, in sleeplessness
often, in hunger and thirst,
in fastings often, in cold and nakedness.”
2 Cor 11:24-27.
“For our light affliction, which is
but for a moment, is working for
us a far more exceeding and eternal
weight of glory”. 2 Cor 4:17.
Dear friends, would you refer to this
long list of troubles as light affliction? If
not, what then did Paul see as to regard
the whole of these troubles as nothing
to disturb his journey with God? Paul
did not charge God with wrong for allowing
him to go through any of these
long lists of troubles. He simply knew
that this is the other side of God. Do
you suppose that Paul, the Apostle, went
through all of these because of his sin?
He that blesses also said we would have
persecution as a necessary addition to
our blessings on this journey.
Those who came into faith only to collect
the goodness and mercy at the end
of every fellowship and nothing is taught
about the other side, may not go far on
this journey. They may backslide like the
children of Israel who were too much
in a hurry to get to the land of milk and
honey. While God had it in His mind to
give them a land flowing with milk and
honey, the same God also took them
through a long road full of all kinds of
experiences. They got to some points
on this journey and there was no water
to drink, at other times there was no
food and they cried and sent their hearts
back to Egypt. The same God would
give milk and honey; He may also at
other times withhold these and instead
cause severe thirst and hunger. Jesus
then said,
“which of you intending to build
a tower sitteth not down first and
counteth the cost whether he have
sufficient to finish it?”
Lk. 14:28.
While you are thinking of making
a journey to heaven, Jesus’ earnest
advice to you is to sit down FIRST and
think. This journey is not cheap. It has
a price attached to it. In this case the
price is the understanding of the other
side of God. If you lack this understanding,
you may meet too many dangerous
surprises on the way. Sometimes you
see this God whom you serve, blessing
another Christian whom according to
your rating is not even doing too well,
while you who keep night vigils and hold
crusades here and there may seem to
be forgotten. Yet, God is God, and His
thoughts are much higher than ours. He
has many ways of dealing with His children.
He has two sides. Get ready, pray
hard and equip your heart for this experience.
If you have narrowed God in
your heart before, make adjustment for
the other side of God.
BIBLE TEACHER:
B r o . G b i l e A k a n n i
Radio Nigeria (FRCN 1 Ibadan)
6050 khz-49 meters band SW
(7:30 am every Sun.) 6.30 GMT
2 5 LIVING SEED Vol.10 No.1 Feb., 2003
Unbelief – An Evil Cover
Gleanings…
“But He said unto them, ‘why are you so fearful? How is it that you have no faith?’” Mark 4:40.
Unbelief casts a darkness of blanket on my soul. It draws and siphons from my heart the
promises. It erects artificial hurdles and abstractions on my path… it shouts at me “yours with
God is finished. He has abandoned you. You can not see His face again”. .
Unbelief melts the heart and demobilizes me from rising to the challenge of stepping into my
call. It makes the place of communion a dread…
It sponsors dryness and drought into the soul; it threatens with imminent failure. Unbelief
makes vision blurred and makes the heart shrink unto certain narrowness… unbelief makes a
man to move in circles… moving round and round the same imaginary mountains. Unbelief
makes a high mountain of a little mound. It emphasizes the height of the “Goliath” as giants and
reduces the grace and gift of God in a man’s life to the size of a “grasshopper”…
Whereas Faith sees giants as mere bread! Faith sees God as the God of all, which He actually is.
It conceives great vision for invisible day…
Unbelief focuses on feelings and sights! It makes God, what to be felt, rather than the constant,
everlasting personality who is omnipresent and omnipotent… Unbelief is the tyrant that ties your
soul down unto utter impotence! It threatens my every step with gloom. It brings before my eyes,
those casualties on the way; it re-echoes in my ears the lamentations of wounded ones. It lowers
and tunes off the songs of feeble men like me, who through faith have overcome; it exaggerates
the magnitudes of my helplessness while obscuring the strength, which is mine in Christ.
Unbelief comes to me again and again, in my pilgrimage. Just when I have come through a
battle, it comes again, to sit me down in a corner of depression! When I thought I will never
have to doubt my Father’s love, unbelief comes in quietly… with questions, upon questions…
why? How will it be? When and where will you get this? Who and who will stand by you? ..
Unbelief will not allow me recall the past mercies and miracles… it will bluff off all my
reviews of God’s faithfulness in times past…
A man that cannot remember his history will not locate his present position and cannot see
direction for his future. He finds himself in a vacuum; battered here and there with the winds of
doubt and uncertainty… in this lies the strength of unbelief. It makes me forget the history of God’s
dealings and casts a mantle of darkness on my hope for the days to come… all, just to drag me into
despair and depression! Unbelief is the tool in the hand of Satan, the devil. His ministry is to cover
and make the glory of God unseen to saints… He makes me feel my Father is no more there.
Unbelief will not allow God do great works for a man and in a man. It will hinder the Spirit of grace
from breaking forth… it is the net that traps men who otherwise would have been great for God…
Unbelief cripples and makes a man bent over, not able to lift up himself…unbelief is evil! It is like
spitting on the Father’s face. It prolongs a 40-days’ journey and makes it 40-dry years… unbelief
and rebellions are friends! Sometimes it offers it self as the reason for reluctance to obey!
O Lord; I have seen the fiery dart of the enemy aimed at my soul. It is the fiery dart of unbelief…
Grant me this day, the shield of faith to quench it as it comes…I feel the tenderness of my soul. Every
dart inflicts a bleeding wound. I need a shield today! It seeks to isolate me! It seeks to obsess me
with seeming problem. It consumes valuable time from me.
It makes me bear about a disquiet heart under my breast… it punches my joy and makes me dreary…
Oh Lord, my heart slips back so easily unto unbelief. Imperceptible unbelief robs my soul of its
calm. Anxiety about anything (even if it be God’s work) is a reflection of unbelief. It only wastes
me away…
25 LIVING SEED Vol.10 No.1 Feb., 2003
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fact you have, but the few gifts the Lord bestowed on your
life have become the blockage to your total surrender to Jesus.
But Daniel was different, and God is lifting him for you to
see, so that we will not be ignorant or have any excuse to
give for withholding our lives from Jesus having a full control.
Right from the initial stage of the chapter 1 of his life the
scripture records;
“But Daniel made up his mind not to defile himself
by eating the food and wine given them by the
king…” Dan 1:8 NLT.
Family Background
Right early in His life Daniel had taken a decision to
keep himself for the Lord. If it’s in our days we will say he
was born again. He did not stop at that but took a step forward
not to defile himself even though he was faced with a
difficult situation, yet a captive, a handsome and intelligent
boy. As a captive, the fear of the master’s fury was enough
to make him bow his head in compromise. As a handsome
and intelligent boy he would have sought to impress every
body around rather than stand his ground of righteousness
and be brought to shame. He threw all these seemingly genuine
reasons abroad and preferred to honour the Lord. He has
left a mark for us to follow. Several reasons the devil makes
us to consider which have left us victims of spiritual failures
come because you have not yet taken a decision, your mind
is not yet made up to “Live for Him who died and rose
again for you.” But now it’s not too late. A decision now can
save the impending failures of tomorrow. What to do as you
take a decision now is to sit down to carefully check what
are those things you have that make it difficult for you to
obey God wherever you are. Could it be the consideration to
live up to a family name is a very possible reason that you are
not able to submit your self to the truth of the word of God
that the spirit of God gives you a special privilege to hear and
learn. As you take a step of obedience your heart shouts you
down, asking what do you expect people will think about you
as you take this foolish step? People around you, show care
and concern, call you aside and try speaking sense into your
head. They warn you do not follow this poor, confused and
frustrated so called born again. Your parents also shout at
your behaviour that is bringing disgrace to your family. All
these might make you to draw back. But remember that even
Jesus when he decided to take the cross and told it to His
disciples, Peter did call him aside, out of concern and love, to
warn Him against such a dangerous step He was going to
take. But Jesus told him
“Get behind me, Satan! You are an offence to me.
By
Arit Targema
As an undergraduate I used to watch from afar a
Theatre Artist not with a special admiration though, she loved
to wear a T-shirt with an inscription BRAIN PLUS BEAUTY.
She normally felt very good in it but what drew my attention
to her was that a combination of beauty and intelligence was
enough to keep Jesus away from her. The story of Daniel has
never stopped being interesting and challenging to me. The
Bible spoke of him as a young man who met the qualification
of king Nebuchadnezzar, king of Babylon, and was admitted
into the King’s Royal College. And the king’s order was:
“…To bring to the palace some of the young men
of Judah’s royal family and other noble families,
who had been brought to Babylon as captives. Select
only strong, healthy, and good looking young
men. Make sure they are well versed in every branch
of learning, are gifted with knowledge and good
sense, and have the poise needed to serve in the
royal palace…” Dan. 1:3-4 NLT.
According to the order, the criteria, which Daniel met, were
a young man from a royal family, very good looking, intelligent,
and with a good poise. You will agree with me that he
was a boy with a rare combination. Any young boy or girl
who finds himself or herself with just one or two of these
qualities belongs to a class. A high class and he or she moves
with such an air of importance that says, “mind how you
handle me”, that you must be careful how you handle him
or her. This air of importance is extended to God, the creator
of all. The gift He has given us has made Him too small to
deserve our honor. The question the Bible asks is:
“What do you have that you did not receive?”1 Cor4: 7b.
Can you please stop for a while to think about what you have
that you did not receive from none other than the Lord? So
what have you been doing with Jesus? For most of the problem
is not that you have not taken a step to receive Jesus, in
2 7 LIVING SEED Vol.10 No.1 Feb., 2003
ARE
YOU JUST
BEAUTY
PLUS BRAIN
BUT NO
JESUS ?
For you are not mindful of the
things of God, but the things of
men.” Matt. 16:23(NKJV ).
The care that emanates from the consideration
of the things of men is not sponsored
to you by the Spirit of God. And every
friendship with the world or the things of
men places you at enmity against God. So
you have no excuse for your flamboyant
lifestyle, lack of humility and submissiveness
just because you want to please your
family. Moses had a family name to live for,
a throne to guard jealously and occupy in
due time. But he
“Choose rather to suffer affliction with the people
of God than to enjoy the passing pleasures of sin,
esteeming the reproach of Christ greater riches than
the treasures in Egypt, for he looked to the reward.”
Heb 11:25-26.
May be there is no reward that you are seeing with the eye of
faith and expecting to receive on that great day, that is why
the treasures of this world are holding sway on your heart
and you cannot take a bold stand for Jesus. Note the scripture
says, “Not many nobles are called…” (1Cor. 1:26),
yet it does not mean that men and women with noble background
are not called. It is just that they are not many. So if
you have had the rare privilege of hearing a heavenly call why
delay? Your refusal to heed the call of God unto missions
because your mother cried that you would bring disgrace to
the family is not genuine. Suppose you died after graduation,
would it not have been a greater disgrace? Why live to bring
disgrace to the name of Christ and grace to your family name?
It’s not worth it.
Good-looks
How often people have expressed surprise and disappointment
that you a beautiful girl or handsome young man
belong to that born again group. This disappointment of the
world has led to modernization of Christian standard. Children
who have once received the “right to become children
of God”, have lost that right because they sought to lower
that standard to gain approval and acceptance by men. Jesus
says of hypocrites who seek men’s approval;
“…Assuredly, I say to you, they have their reward…”
Why waste your time receiving reward from men, to where
will you take their reward? It would be foolish to allow the
good gift of good looks, beauty or handsomeness, which the
Lord graciously bestowed on you to be a reason for you to
stray away from your savior and Lord. Women like Sarah
and Rebecca, and Esther, the Bible specifically
noted that they were beautiful.
Yet their beauty did not give them a reason
to dishonor God. Rather they gave
God his rightful place in their lives and
became submissive to all around them. So
what are you doing with your good looks
to bring glory to God? Have you made up
your mind not to defile yourself by eating
(making use of) the meat of this world;
whatever be their names: call it make –
up and make down, half-naked dressing,
yielding your bodies as instruments of fornication
or adultery, to pass exams or get a job or promotion?
Have you taken such a decision? The daughters and sons of
Satan are using their good looks to make several ready for
external punishment in hell. What profit is yours bringing to
the kingdom of God? For fear of loosing face do you keep
quiet and allow that unbelieving man to kiss you, or fondle
with you. Do you keep silent when that adulterous woman is
making eye for you to lie with her? Why don’t you speak like
Joseph did to Potiphar’s wife?
“ How can I do this great wickedness, and sin against
God.” Gen. 39:9b.
Why will you not speak out and say, “I am a child of God I
cannot afford to condescend to this level of filth and sin against
my Father.” Why do you keep quiet to save your face until
you lose your birthright? The devil has had enough victories,
take a decision today before the Lord and plead with Him for
mercy upon your life. He will certainly pardon and receive
you. He will much more show you the true beauty: His word
says:
“ Let your beauty be the hidden person of the heart,
the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit,
which is very precious in the sight of God”. 1 Pet 3:4.
God will take time to teach you by His spirit the way into it as
He sees your sincere readiness to please Him with your life.
Intelligence
Ability to reason rightly and analyze things well is
another possession that could dispossess some young men
and women of heavenly inheritance. Whenever the truth of
God’s word comes during Bible studies or personal quiet times,
our intelligence wakes up to analyze and put in perspective
what we hear such that the spirit of the word is lost and an
opportunity to possess the life of Christ is lost.
God gave whatever intelligence you have to profit
your life. He did not give it so that it can kill you, but rather
that the glory of God might burst forth out of it and men will
2 8
LIVING SEED Vol.10 No.1 Feb., 2003
see it and give praise to God. Have you allowed praise to
God? Daniel did, king Nebuchadnezer a heathen king worshiped
God, because of Daniel’s intelligence. Has yours puffed
you up to become so proud that you consider it a shame or
being a “Jew boy” to follow the instructions of God? Have
you become so intelligent that the word of God cannot benefit
your life because you will argue about every truth that
you are taught until the spirit of God passes you by? Paul was
such an intelligent young man before his conversion; his mind
was so sharp he could manipulate the existing laws of the
land to cut off the heads of those who called on the name of
the Lord Jesus. To obtain permit to travel around and deal
with (persecute) Christians everywhere
they ran to hide. But when
God’s mercy appeared to him, he
bowed and could only ask:
“My Lord what would you
want me to do? Acts 9:6.
From then onward his intelligence was
laid down at the feet of Jesus. You
have been taught to die to yourself, to
deny yourself and pick-up your cross
to follow Jesus, but your reasoning has
denied you enjoying this truth ever
since, will you lay it at the feet of the
Lord and decide to follow him anyhow
and anywhere he leads you? Do
not delay.
Poise
The boldness and ability to face anybody or crowd
may be another thorn that might choke a Christian to death.
You know you possess that quiet confidence and dignity to
stand before people to speak. What a treasure to face everyone
around you with the gospel of repentance. To pray for
anybody anywhere. Daniel used his poise when king
Nebuchadnezer rose to kill together with their families, these
wise men that could not interpret his dream, to deliver all
those men from death as he confidently approached the king.
Do not let this gift God has bestowed on you to be spent only
on political rallies, only for entertainment and for other frivolous
activities that have not eternal consequences.
Captivity
Daniel was in captivity despite all these good qualities
of his. Yet this was a strong factor, which could have
stifled his faith, and snuffed out all the standard of life God
had taught him before now. But Daniel had made up his mind
not to defile himself.
He simply took courage and approached the chief
Eunuch with his request. God backed him up and he was
able to maintain his standard and integrity before God. Yours
may simply be that you do not have the privilege most people
around you do. This has become a limiting factor for your
spiritual growth, as you cannot arise with boldness to obey
the truth of God’s word that you have been taught. Fear of
being an outcast has overwhelmed you and you have hidden
your standard of Christian life. Before long you discover that
you have quenched the still, small voice of the Holy Spirit in
your heart and you are getting along well with the crowd.
You are unfortunate. God warns that none of us should become
profane like Esau who
for one morsel of food sold
his birthright and was rejected
by God. (Heb.12: 16-17).
When you quietly
started abandoning your quiet
times with God, for fear that
your roommates will mock at
you. You endured the stench
of cigarette smoking and
strong drinks so as to feel a
sense of belonging with
friends, you never planned to
become a smoker like them but
what has happened now? You
are visiting their girlfriends and
boyfriends with them; you did
not dream that lust would swallow you up to the extent of
keeping sin partners called a civilized name of boyfriend/
girlfriend. But today you have committed sin not once or
twice with them. “A little leaven leavens the whole lump.”
You have forgotten this. But the Lord is calling on you to
arise from this point.
Beauty, intelligence and noble background are not
tickets to take you outside the will of God. Every good and
perfect gift comes from God and He gives it to achieve His
pleasure for your life. Do not frustrate this purpose. All you
are, and have must bring profit unto the kingdom of God if
your life will have a sense of fulfillment. If your life has
already strayed in disobedience and lacks submissiveness to
His will, God has lifted Daniel’s life for you and I to learn
from and be corrected, do not fail to heed this challenge.
God wants your life like His to bring blessings to several
others who are less privileged to learn what you are
opportuned to be exposed to. As you surrender, the Lord
will help you to keep step with His ways.
2 9 LIVING SEED Vol.10 No.1 Feb., 2003
God’s major instrument for affecting men (apart from
the life of the minister) still remains His word. This inevitably
introduces two dimensions of labour that whosoever is called
of God must pursue in order to make a foolproof of his calling.
First, the minister by definite life experiences must know
the Word (as we studied in the last edition), and secondly
must be able to minister the Word effectively. This second
part, we will here study under two broad sections: (A) Receiving
the Word, and (B) Imparting the Word.
Receiving the Word
As ministers of God’s Word, we have the need of receiving
divine oracles each time we stand on the pulpit to
confront men. This need leads many unto much study, rigorous
researches; many of us maintain fat libraries of books
and great sermons of great preachers forgone. Some claim
messages of other men and just deliver as a parcel… Saturday
nights and early Sunday mornings are usually tedious for
several pastors and teachers as they approach the “D-day
and the T-time” of sermons delivery.
Many of us have several experiences in this … Homiletics
and “making of a sermon” are inevitable courses in theological
institutions… we need to bow before the Lord again at
this moment; to the Great Teacher of all times; the Great
Pastor and Bishop of our souls, who taught men continuously
without break for three days “as one having authority
and not as the scribes” – even Jesus Christ, the pattern Servant
and Minister – to show us what we need to do to touch
and receive divine bread from the table of presence, to break
before the hungry multitude sitting eagerly on bare grass…
Looking for these grasses to turn to grace and their
wobbling knees strengthened to run the heavenly race. They
come eagerly to hear the “Word of the Lord” and the “Word
from the Lord” each time … may we not just turn them away
to go fend for themselves in the towns and cities of worldliness
because “we ourselves are here in a desert place” destitute
of fresh, divine, potent and fiery unction from above. As
we consider few things here, I implore you to pray and look
up unto God for an impartation of divine wisdom on your life
in Jesus’ name.
1. REVELATION KNOWLEDGE
i. What is revelational knowledge? How does it differ from
native, cumulative experiential knowledge? Gal 1:11-12
ii. Describe briefly in what various forms you have encountered
a revelation of God’s Word before.
A revelation of God’s Word is like the breaking forth
of the eggshell, that the live chick may emerge and fly out. It
is like cracking the hard shells of the Bible letters, so that
inner yoke, fresh and powerful may come forth, into our
spirits. It is seeing into what is normally hidden away from
the ordinary casual reader.
iii. What is its nature? What must we look for in any revelational
knowledge of God’s Word, in order to rely on it?
BALANCE; WHOLESOMENESS;
CONFORMITY WITH THE WHOLE
PURPOSE AND COUNSEL OF SCRIPTURE;
RELEVANT APPLICABILITY;
GOD’S GLORIFICATION;
EDIFICATION OF BELIEVERS.
“…a light (an insight; an opened eye) that shineth
in a dark place, until the day is dawn, and the day
star arise in your heart.” 2 Peter1:19-21.
Every true revelation of God’s Word must impart Christ
and conform us to the same image of Christ our Lord in a
continuous, growing manner.
2. FINDING THE WORD FOR MINISTRY
Jer.15:16, Prov. 4:20-22.
i. We must seek the Word out of all the volumes of contrasting
scriptures: Mark 4:21-25.
The scriptures have been used (by God) to preserve,
conserve and keep His Word, such that it does not spill and
splash here and there, and thereby get wasted. God Himself
is willing to make manifest His Word unto us:
THE WORD
Effectively
Ministering
Bible Study
29 LIVING SEED Vol.10 No.1 Feb., 2003
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LIVING SEED Vol.10 No.1 Feb., 2003
What did you discover in Mark 4:22-25 and Isa 28:9-10?
ii. Ask, seek, and knock on each Scripture you encounter,
in prayer until the inner yoke breaks forth unto you. Luke
11:9-13.
iii. Turn inward to the Teacher and Revealer within- the Holy
Spirit. 1John2: 27, Jn14:22b, 16:13, 1Cor2:10-14, 2 Cor3:15-18.
This turning must be moment by moment. True revelation
can only be kept in and with the spirit. Just like the
snail withdraws into its own shell once the atmosphere is not
familiar and conducive, so the Word withdraws back into
the shell once it is taken out of the spirit – realm.
iv. Trap the Word with your candle (spirit) and blow on it
until it becomes aglow with flames unquenchable.
Prov.20: 27, 4:20-26, 22:1-7.
(a) Meditate on it gathering all your thoughts around
it, until your whole soul is overwhelmed and aflame.
Reserve your thoughts always for the Word to fly
upon. Matt.6: 19, 25; Phil.4: 6-9.
(b) Put it into action: practice it before preaching it.
Acts 1:1, Luke1:1-4; 1John 1:1-2.
(c) Make notes and build personal altars around God’s
Word and dealing with you.
Gen.14:18, 1 Sam.7: 12, Heb2: 2.
We need to come again and again to the Lord for the
revelation of His Word, so our barn may be full of bread and
our quiver full of arrows. Read Matt13: 52.
Imparting The WORD
The essence of being a minister of the WORD is actually
to serve men with the divine oracles, and administer it (as
a nurse does the drugs to the patients) until it produces desired
heavenly result in their lives.
A ministry of the WORD cannot be said to be “fait – a
compli” until it has brought a change in lives, a build -up in
character and conformity to the image of the Master Jesus.
In this aspect, we shall explore practical ways of holding
forth God’s Word to men either as individuals or in congregations
for effectiveness. May the LORD grant each of us His
counsel in Jesus’ Name (Amen).
1. UNCTION AND UTTERANCE
i. What is unction? What is utterance? When does an unction
become utterance?
ii. How do we secure utterance? What are the characteristics
of a conducive atmosphere for free utterance in a meeting?
(a) OPEN DOORS OF MEN’S HEARTS
TOWARDS THE MINISTER.
(b) FAITH IN THE HEART.
(c) SPIRITUAL WORSHIP.
(d) PRAYERFULNESS.
Why do we create this necessary condition before
sowing our seeds? Hos. 10:12; Jer.4:3. What does it mean to
sow among thorns, stony grounds and wayside grounds?
Luke 8:4-16.
iii. What are the hindrances to divine utterance?
How can one lose utterance during a sermon or message?
What is your experience in this…? Is there any way out?
iv. What is the burden of the WORD? How can it be usefully
discharged?
2. SERMON MAKING AND DELIVERY
i. What are the parts of an effective sermon outline?
What about making notes and extempore preaching?
What is the role of the Holy Spirit in making a sermon? Isa.50: 4-7.
ii. What steps must we take unto effective sermon delivery?
1 Cor.2:1-7, 12-13, 1Thess.2:3-8
* PREPARE YOURSELF; HOW?
* PREPARE THE AUDIENCE; HOW?
* MANAGE YOUR EMOTION AS
NECESSARY… HOW?
* BE FOCUSED; BE PLAIN, BE SIMPLE;
BE DIRECT; BE ILLUSTRATIVE;
* BE CONFRONTATIONAL WHEN
NECESSARY;
* BE AUDIBLY CLEAR; BE GRAVE! BE
URGENT; BE SERIOUS. Tit. 2:7-8
iii. What are the things to avoid on pulpits? 2Tim. 2:23 – 26
(a) FOOLISH JESTINGS AND GISTINGS.
(b) FABLES AND UNFOUNDED
TESTIMONIES.
(c) IMPOSITION AND INTIMIDATION.
(d) VAIN BABBLINGS AND SLANGS.
What we are handling is divine. It is eternal, it is
grave. Ministers must not act like cowboys.
iv. When should a message stop? How do we drive “home”
and “in” the nail?
3. THE ALTAR CALL
i. What is an altar call? What purpose does it serve?
ii. What are the basic ingredients of an effective altar call?
(a) Pointed (b) Active (c) Conclusive
(d) Not beggarly! (e) It is always instructive…
Examine some altar calls in the Scriptures.
3 1 LIVING SEED Vol.10 No.1 Feb., 2003
Acts 2:38 – 40; Matt.3: 7-12
4. MONITORING A MESSAGE
We are stewards of the mysteries God has graciously
given to us. We must therefore be ready to give account of
every bit of it (1Cor.4:1-2). Jesus told the disciples: “Gather
up the fragments that remain, that nothing be lost”. What a
solemn injunction to every man who is in the ministry of
God’s Word.
i. How can we monitor a message lest men vomit it?
Prov. 25:16, 27.
ii. What does it mean to gather up the fragments of a mes
sage? What are the fragments by the way?
iii. What does the “baskets” stand for?.
5. PROBLEMS OF IMPARTING GOD’S WORD
i. Lack of utterance.
ii. Lack of receptivity and openness.
iii. Clumsiness on the part of the minister.
…Too much to say within too little time.
…Scattered thoughts.
iv. Planlessness and ambition.
v. Unstable congregation.
What are the ways to tackle these problems?
Beloved, we must now pray to the LORD of the harvest
to teach us and grant us the anointing of the Holy Spirit
in this crucial aspect of our services in the vineyard. We
commend you to the Lord Himself, our Master, to lead you
further into an effective ministry.
Bow your heart at this point and pray.
donkeys, camels, mules; vast supplies of food. Each mobilized
food for himself from his brethren.
“And there they were with David three days, eating
and drinking: for their brethren had prepared for
them.”
I see a team who might have caused even God to wonder
at their commitment and dedication. For even though the
Word of God says “Nobody goes to war at his own expense”;
these ones, because of the overwhelming singular purpose on
each of their hearts went to war at their own cost. It would
look as if the weapon of battle was also a personal undertaking
of each member. They were not going to encumber David
with any personal demand but to make him king.
“ All these men came in battle array to Hebron…”
1Chr 12:38a(New Living Translation).
“These also are the chiefs of the mighty men whom
David had, who strengthened themselves with him.”
It was interesting to see what mobilized them so entirely.
Yet, it was certainly not David or anything about him; not
even an inner hope of any reward to when he would be king.
Humanly speaking it was too risky to identify with David at
this time. David was in hiding because of Saul and anybody
Saul learnt aided David in a little way paid with his life. There
was more hope for death sticking with David that time than
reward. What mobilized each and every one of them was the
personal response to the Word of God concerning Israel.
“These also were the chiefs of the mighty men whom
David had who strengthened themselves with him
in the kingdom, and with all Israel to make him king,
according to the word of the Lord concerning Israel.”
The Word and will of God concerning Israel drew
these mighty men. More than David as a person, they saw
the will of God concerning Israel. They were only keen on
David because David was the will of God for Israel. It was
not a small vision of a hero that captured their hearts. They
were neither hero-worshippers nor empty sycophants but
people deeply committed to the Word and will of God for the
land of Israel. When they followed David at the risk of their
lives it was because of the embodiment of God’s vision David
stood for. When they submitted their personal potentials of
becoming something by themselves, and yielded all their capabilities
and abilities to making David king, they were on the
final note submitting to God Himself. This must be the highest
binding and driving force for the individuals of a team and
the team itself. The vision of what God is doing – it does not
matter yet who must be at the center of it – is the basis of
every work. One must begin to understand the overwhelming
purpose of God for his life in order to fit into what God is
doing and to understand the Word of God for such a purpose.
The kingship of Jesus, even though already concluded
and no longer debatable and unchangeable, is under
great and keen contest. Anywhere and at any point and at any
time that God is putting together a team, it is primarily to
effect the kingship of Jesus over His enemy and those under
the enemy’s control. He must be king in the hearts of men.
God is committed to raising a people who have seen this great
vision, who must be bounded and bundled together for life
and with their lives to enthrone Jesus as king in this generation.
Small and individualistic interest for those who have
heard the Word of God must give way for selfless, dedicated
and sacrificial service to make Jesus king in the nations. Is
this the sole reason for your labour? Then go on the Lord will
sustain you. And you who are labouring for self-interest, remember
Samson and change your ways
THE MINISTERING TEAM (Continued From Page 15)
3 1 LIVING SEED Vol.10 No.1 Feb., 2003

THE ENGAGING LEADER

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information
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Typesetting: the dotted i
© 2003 by Ed Gubman
Published by Dearborn Trade Publishing, a Kaplan Professional Company
All rights reserved. The text of this publication, or any part thereof, may not
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Printed in the United States of America
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Gubman, Edward L.
The engaging leader : winning with today’s free agent workforce /
Ed Gubman.
p. cm.
Includes index.
ISBN 0-7931-6514-8 (6X9 hardback)
1. Supervision of employees. 2. Employee motivation. 3. Employee
retention. 4. Leadership. I. Title.
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iii
C O N T E N T S
Acknowledgments vii
Introduction ix
1. Engaging Leadership 1
The Thrill of Victory 1
Engaging for Success 3
What Engaging Leaders Do 4
Drivers and Builders 5
Engaging Leaders Are Versatile 10
Engaging Impacts 15
2. The Urgency of Engagement 29
Market-Driven Employment Relationships 29
The Coming Talent Shortage 30
What Talent Wants 35
Engaging Leadership Is the Solution 39
Mixing Sports and Business 41
The Rest of This Book 45
3. Talent: Get What You Need 49
Build on Your Strengths 49
Like-Minded People 51
Select for Fit 54
Fit versus Talent 61
Talent versus Genius 63
Change Your Talent or Change to Your Talent? 65
Talent + Toughness + Teamwork = Victory 69
4. Talent: Develop and Diversify 77
The Return of the Individual 77
Build a Dynasty 79
The Development Mandate 83
Close Your Gaps 86
Different Strokes 88
More Diversity Means More Talent 90
On-the-Field, Off-the-Field 94
Lives in the Balance 97
5. Goals:Winning Is the Only Thing 105
Engaging What’s Real 105
Focus: Aim High and Keep It Simple 106
BHAGs: The Value of Big Goals 109
Enemies of Big Goals 113
Risk: Do It Big, Do It All, Do It Fast 119
Risk Requires Anticipation, Innovation, and Sacrifice 121
Risk Energizes Employees 123
Risk Takers Need Support 128
Making Risk Pay Off 130
6. Chemistry: Trust First 135
Chemistry = Trust + Structure 135
A Short Course in Trust 136
Trust among Peers 142
Big Egos Destroy Trust 145
No More Command, Control, and Constant Criticism 147
Superb Communications 149
All You Need Is Love 151
No Appreciation, No Talent 155
7. Chemistry: Structure 161
The Structure of Engagement 161
Accountability—Don’t Get Too Comfortable 164
Execute with Excellence 167
Roles: Shining Stars 172
What Does Money Have to Do with It? 176
It’s Money That Matters 178
Winning over Whining 181
iv C O N T E N T S
Conclusion 185
Appendixes 189
Notes 193
Index 203
C O N T E N T S v
vi E N G A G I N G L E A D E R S W I N
vii
A C K N O W L E D G M E N T S
Books are labors of love—you have to love writing to do the
labor. Creating this book was a particular pleasure for me because
it combined two of my passions—leadership and sports. I often
look at leaders in business and sports through the same motivational
lens.
I took this view a lot in my 17 years with Hewitt Associates. For
the first 15 years there, I was building and leading a team—first a
small one—then a global one, as a practice leader. Now I work independently,
still consulting with executives about their teams. I
can always find a good quote from Casey Stengel or a Zen inspiration
from Phil Jackson to explain a situation or rally people’s spirits.
During my last few years at Hewitt, we helped assist the people
who worked with Fortune to select its list of the 100 best companies
to work for in America. Working with this information, as well as
personally with several of these companies, it became obvious to
me that a particular kind of leadership, what I call “engaging leadership,”
lifted some companies to best employer status and left
others as also-rans. I also realized that winning and losing with employees
involved the same kinds of leader behaviors I saw in successful
sports teams. Increasingly, great employees are like great
athletes—they have choices about where and how hard to work,
and their skills are in high demand. It doesn’t matter what the unemployment
rate is, there’s always a shortage of talent to help your
business win. This book describes engaging leadership.
Many people contributed to this book—especially the business
executives with whom I’ve worked and watched lead. I’m also very
appreciative of the great coaches who I’ve observed as a fan and the
sportswriters who’ve depicted them. Two individuals deserve allstar
mention. John Bausch, a prized colleague from my Hewitt days
and a good friend, gave an early manuscript a close reading and
suggested the framework that I ultimately used. John is a talented
management consultant and business communicator, as well as a
former sportswriter, so he was the perfect person to critique this
work. My editors Jean Iversen, Don Hull, and their teammates at
Dearborn Trade have been enthusiastic supporters of this project.
What a great team to have on the field with me!
Above all, thanks and love to my wife Rachel and my two sons,
Mike and Charlie, who are the inspiration for everything I do. (See,
I wasn’t just wasting my time watching all those games on TV.)
viii A C K N O W L E D G M E N T S
ix
I N T R O D U C T I O N
During the summer of 1999, I was reading about the collapse of
the Colorado Rockies baseball team under manager Jim Leyland.
Leyland came to Colorado as a high-priced savior, but he and the
team never meshed. Things got so bad that he announced his resignation
before the first season was over. This came as a mystery to
the sports world, because Leyland was commonly referred to as a
“baseball genius.”
A genius in baseball is someone who gets more wins from his
players than the payroll suggests. Leyland did this with a series of
underpaid, overachieving Pittsburgh Pirates teams in the early
1990s. Claiming poverty like most small market teams—funny how
St. Louis spends like a big market team and the Chicago teams pretend
they’re in small markets—the Pirates traded away their players
when they became stars and could demand more money.
Eventually, Leyland got tired of seeing Barry Bonds, Bobby
Bonilla, and other talents leave, so he followed them out the door.
A DISENGAGED DISASTER
He landed in Miami, where billionaire owner Wayne Huizenga
promised to buy him a winning team. Huizenga was true to his
word, and in 1997, Leyland led the Florida Marlins to the World
Championship.
Baseball purists were shocked that Huizenga could do this so
quickly, but Huizenga must have decided it was too easy. After all,
it took him decades to make his billions in the waste hauling and
movie renting businesses, but only a few years to win the World
Series. When he won in 1997 but lost money in the process and
couldn’t get a new, publicly funded stadium, Huizenga got rid of
his star players and prepared to sell the team.
Maybe Leyland was a baseball genius, but his real smarts were
in having an out clause put into his Florida contract. If Huizenga
ever started acting like he owned the Pirates, Leyland could leave.
That’s how Leyland went to Colorado in 1999.
What struck me about Leyland’s short tenure with the Rockies
was that it was full of the same problems I see in many people in
business and other organizations. Leyland wasn’t engaged in his
work anymore. He didn’t have a strong attachment to his job or his
team. Being disengaged, he couldn’t engage his players. Leyland
didn’t fit with his new organization, and he already had realized his
professional dreams, so he didn’t have any new ones to motivate
him in Colorado.
At one time Jim Leyland was a great manager. Still, his experience
in Colorado helped me to realize that leaders in pro sports and
in business deal with many of the same issues, especially today
when we have free agents in both arenas.
From that day on I started reading the sports pages with a different
set of eyes. Instead of just enjoying them as a sports fan, I
started looking at them from the perspective of my work as a management
consultant and business psychologist. I began to apprecix
I N T R O D U C T I O N
ate that you could learn an enormous amount about leaders and
their performance and careers by rethinking the sports section. In
fact, almost every day some new drama plays out in sports that
highlights a lesson about leaders—both good and bad.
Above all, the characteristics that make an engaging and successful
leader in business today are pretty much the same things
that make a winning leader in sports. The great thing about sports
is that you can see this on a public stage, and the outcomes are readily
apparent. If you pay attention and know what to look for, it’s
right there for you.
This book explains how to be a winning leader, based on my
work with executives for the last 25 years. Instead of just using business
examples, I am going to use stories from professional sports. I
think this makes the lessons fresh, fun, and easy to remember. Plus,
there are plenty of great illustrations of what to do and what not to
do. I use these ideas in my consulting with leaders, and they work
wonders for my clients. Now you can make them work for you.
I N T R O D U C T I O N xi
xii E N G A G I N G L E A D E R S W I N
1
1
C H A P T E R O N E
ENGAGING LEADERSHIP
“He thinks group, but he always sees individuals.”
—Former Senator Bill Bradley, describing his friend Phil Jackson’s coaching style1
THE THRILL OF VICTORY
Ever wonder why some teams just keep winning? Consider this:
• In October 2000, the majestic New York Yankees won the
World Series against their hated crosstown rivals, the Mets.
This was the Yanks’ 26th championship, far more than any
other baseball team, and more than any pro team in any
sport. It was also the 4th time in five years that the Yankees
won the Series, all under the calm and responsive leadership
of manager Joe Torre. In 2001, an aging Yankees team made it
to the World Series again, defeating powerful Oakland and
Seattle teams before falling to a tremendously tough Arizona
team in seven incredible games. The Yankees had the best
record in baseball and made the playoffs again in 2002, losing
in the first round. Torre’s streak ranked with the best of the
great New York teams throughout baseball history.
• In 1999, Phil Jackson took over the talented but troubled Los
Angeles Lakers. Built around stars Shaquille O’Neal and
Kobe Bryant since the 1996–1997 season, the team never
meshed. It collapsed in the conference semifinals the season
before Jackson arrived. Jackson brought his Zen persona, triangle
offense, and coaching assistants with him to Los Angeles
and won the NBA championship in his first year with
essentially the same team. Even though O’Neal and Bryant
fought for team leadership most of Jackson’s second season,
the coach righted things by the end. The Lakers won their division
and went on a 15–1 run through the playoffs, the best
in NBA history, to repeat as champions. The next year Jackson
added his third straight championship with the Lakers to
the six titles he won in Chicago.
• At the end of the 2000 baseball season, the Seattle Mariners
said good-bye to free agent all-star shortstop Alex Rodriquez,
who went to the Texas Rangers for the biggest contract
in baseball history. It was the third year in a row Seattle
lost an all-star and likely future hall-of-famer. Pitcher Randy
Johnson left in 1998, and outfielder Ken Griffey, Jr. left after
the 1999 season. Yet in 2001, a rebuilt Mariners team tied an
83-year-old major league record with 116 wins. Under wily
manager Lou Piniella, the M’s reinvented themselves to become
a team of great speed, pitching, and defense. In recognition
for his work, Piniella was voted AL Manager of the
Year for the second time. Ultimately the M’s lost to the Yankees
in the American League Championship Series, but given
the New Yorkers’ remarkable run, that’s no disgrace.
2 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
Still wondering why some keep winning? It’s leadership.
Of course, Torre, Jackson, and Piniella would be the first to tell
you it’s not all about them. They’d say it’s about the players—the
talent, and they’d be right. As Casey Stengel said when asked about
his remarkable World Series winning streak with the Yankees, “I
couldna’ done it without my players.”2 Torre doesn’t win without
Derek Jeter, Bernie Williams, and their talented teammates. Jackson
won with Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen in Chicago—the best
duo to play together until O’Neal and Bryant came along. Piniella
had Edgar Martinez, Ichiro Suzuki, and other stars on the Mariners.
But winning is about how leaders engage the talent on their teams to
perform to its maximum capabilities. Torre won four World Series, including
three in a row, in an era when players change teams constantly,
and every year teams spent just about as much as the
Yankees. The Lakers had the same players the year before Jackson
arrived and couldn’t get it done. Very few baseball experts picked
Piniella’s Mariners to win their division in 2001, let alone tie the
mark for all-time wins. Talent is wasted when it’s not engaged. In fact,
the ability to engage talent is the main ingredient of skillful leadership
today. This is true in sports and business, and it has never been
as critical a success factor as it is now.
ENGAGING FOR SUCCESS
Aleader is someone who can engage people for success. Engaged people
are passionately committed. If you are a leader who engages your
employees, your people have strong psychological, social, and intellectual
connections to their work, your organization, and its goals.
When people are engaged, they love what they do and what
you’re trying to achieve. They feel valued and the workday goes by
quickly for them. They’ll gladly put in extra hours and effort to help
1 / Engaging Leadership 3
you get where you want to go. They’ll soar “above and beyond” to
create greater quality and service. They’ll brag about you and your
organization to others—they’re your best salespeople. And they’ll
commit to stay with you. It would take enormous offers to get them
to leave, and even then they may not do it.
Think about the enthusiasm and commitment you feel when
you’re most engaged in your work. What could your team accomplish
if everyone felt that way?
Engaged followers should be your goal, and the goal of every
leader. Engaged people are more productive, produce higher quality,
and show higher rates of retention. They display more pride in
their companies and share that pride with others. They build customer
loyalty. They attract other high-caliber people. You need all
of these things to win.
So that’s your target—engaging your people—and this book
will help you hit it.
WHAT ENGAGING LEADERS DO
Is there a single secret to becoming an engaging leader? I don’t
think so. You have to do lots of things to engage people, and to
make sure you have the right talent to engage. The closest I’ve seen
to a good prescription for engagement is the quote from Bill Bradley
about his friend Jackson that starts this chapter. “He thinks group,
but he always sees individuals.”3 This is an apt description of the
way to engage people today. Point the group toward the goals you want
to achieve, but spend a lot of your time catering to the unique needs of individuals
in your group, particularly the most talented ones. For years,
this didn’t matter so much because there were more than enough
skilled people to go around. If a talented person didn’t work out,
4 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
you could replace him or her without too much trouble. Not so
today. If you don’t spend time caring for your talented people,
they’ll leave, you won’t be able to replace them quickly or cheaply,
and you’ll miss out on significant opportunities.
To describe engaging leadership in detail, let’s look more closely
at leadership styles.
DRIVERS AND BUILDERS
A friend and colleague of mine, another sports fan who makes
his living as a management consultant, once told me about something
Tex Winter said. Winter, a legendary basketball coach and
close colleague of Phil Jackson’s, noted that there are two kinds of
coaches—drivers and builders. Though they might make strange bedfellows,
Winter’s description is just like that of Douglas McGregor.
More than 40 years ago, McGregor, the well-known MIT management
professor and business author, wrote his classic book about
Theory X (drivers) and Theory Y (builders) managers.4 Some very
recent work at the Harvard Business School used quite similar
types to describe companies, based on how they were led.
There are many more sophisticated ways to describe leaders,
but this one is simple and has passed the test of time. Leaders do
fall into these two categories pretty naturally, and their followers
talk about them this way. It’s often the first thing I see in a new
client situation when I’m working with executives and their teams.
Most leaders aren’t “pure” types, but some are.
Drivers:
• Put results first. They want things done their way, and they
want them done now.
1 / Engaging Leadership 5
• Stress economic value above everything else. Financial results top
their lists.
• Make the decisions. They like being decisive and in control so
they set the agenda and make as many decisions as possible.
• “Crack the whip.” They keep the pressure on for accountability
and come down hard when goals aren’t met.
• Focus on “what” and “when.” They want to know what have
you done for me lately and when can I expect those results on
my desk.
• Take a short-term focus. The day’s, week’s, or quarter’s results
are what matter.
• Get “in your face” a lot. They thrive on confrontation and let
you know right away when you aren’t performing.
• Are more critical than positive. They’re hard to please and take
delight in pushing you for more all the time; you can never
do enough.
Pat Riley, coach of the Miami Heat, is a notorious driver. He
pushes himself and his players hard, nonstop. That’s the only way
he believes in coaching. When forward A.C. Green played for the
Heat, he said of Riley, “You never satisfy coach.”5 Builders are the
opposite of drivers.
Builders:
• Put people and processes first. It’s crucial to them that relationships
are good and people feel involved. They believe this
leads to results.
6 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
• Stress organizational capabilities. They want to build systems
and talent and will sacrifice some financial gain to do it.
• Get others involved. They seek lots of input into decisions and
delegate them as much as possible because they think that
makes better decisions.
• Let solutions emerge. They don’t try to tackle every problem
right away. They believe the best solutions arise naturally
and some problems solve themselves or go away.
• Focus on “who” and “how.” The want to know who is affected
or should be involved in a situation and how the issue was resolved
in the proper way.
• Take a long-term focus. They’re concerned about positioning
their teams for success a year or two down the road.
• Stay “behind the scenes” more. They let their employees take
center stage.
• Are more positive than critical. They practice the old saying of
“you catch more flies with honey than with a fly swatter.”
A classic builder is a “player’s coach.” Dennis Green, formerly
of the Minnesota Vikings, is the perfect example. He let his players
do their thing, and that’s how he got them to buy into his agenda.
They loved it, and it worked for years. Before he resigned, when
there was talk of firing him, his temperamental star receiver Randy
Moss said, “I can tell you that, straight up, if there were another
coach, I probably wouldn’t want to play here.”6 When Green left on
his own terms, Moss reconsidered.
You can be quite successful as a driver or a builder, as long as
you do it well and communicate effectively. Communication is the
1 / Engaging Leadership 7
fundamental leadership skill for everyone now. But you won’t be a consistent
champion today if you just stay within your style. Both Riley
and Green are winners—Riley has championship rings, and Green’s
teams got to the playoffs almost every year. They have records other
coaches envy. Yet since they rely too heavily on their primary styles,
they don’t win it all anymore. They limit themselves by not expanding
their behaviors.
Riley hasn’t won a conference or NBA championship since the
1987–1988 season, when he worked with a whole different generation
of players. For the last several seasons, Miami has been beaten
early in the playoffs by lower ranked teams. After the Charlotte
Hornets swept his higher seeded Heat in the first round of the
2000–2001 playoffs, he said he probably should be fired. Lucky for
him, he was president and coach of the team, and the president
didn’t feel like firing the coach. In 2002, the Heat didn’t even make
the playoffs.
Green took the Vikings to the playoffs in eight of his first nine
years as coach. He won four Central Division titles and in 1998 and
2000 coached heavily favored teams in the NFC Championship
game, only to lose them both. The 2000 team lost the title in one of
the most lopsided games ever, 41–0, to an unknown and underdog
New York Giants team. The team was emotionally devastated afterwards,
and it never recovered.
My lesson for leaders here is that neither Riley nor Green is versatile
enough. Riley doesn’t stop driving long enough to let his players
catch their breaths and enjoy their achievements. Constant
driving just grinds people down. It doesn’t engage them. No wonder
Riley’s teams run out of energy at the end of the long NBA season.
He pushes them so hard all year that they can’t regroup, renew,
and refocus to be successful in the playoffs. Because he’s concentrating
so heavily on short-term success, his playoff defeats have
8 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
driven him to make big changes in team personnel every year.
Under Riley, the Heat has to rekindle its chemistry annually. There’s
not enough continuity.
Green’s teams had the opposite problem. The Vikings had trouble
turning up the intensity for big games. Green took the same
steady approach all the time and expected the players to motivate
themselves. After all, isn’t that the definition of a professional?
Green rarely, if ever, “cracked the whip” so when the Vikings ran into
a team that was really psyched, like the Giants in the championship
game, they were overwhelmed right from the start. The Giants won
that game in the first quarter. Randy Moss, Green’s devoted fan,
said even before kickoff he could tell the team wasn’t ready, “I think
all of our losses this year [2000] were because we were either too
cocky or not up for the challenge. Nobody talked about coming out
and smacking them in the mouth.”7 After the debacle of that game
and the death of a key player the next season, Green simply lost
control of some of his stars and, ultimately, the team.
Of course, you can find other faults in these cases, like Riley’s
complicated, slow-motion offensive style or Green’s inability to
build a strong defense. But if we stay focused on their leadership
styles, we can see these coaches are limited because they rely too
heavily on one approach. Strengths taken too far always result in
weakness.
You also can find people who are ineffective with their styles: A
driver who doesn’t push hard enough for results but gets overly obsessed
with details; a builder who is inclined to create strong relationships
but lacks the emotional intelligence or interpersonal skills
to make it happen. If you know what your style is, the first thing
you need to do is develop it into a strength. You can discover your style
by taking the quick, self-scoring inventory at the end of this book. Then,
by using what’s in this book, you can take the necessary steps to
1 / Engaging Leadership 9
become more versatile. You may think drivers are more talkative and
builders are more reserved. Sometimes that’s true, but loud or quiet
can go with either style. Success comes when you’re communicating,
whatever the volume. Torre and Jackson are quieter builders, while
Green is more talkative. Piniella and Riley are extroverted drivers,
but Bill Belichick of the New England Patriots is a more introverted
driver who won the Super Bowl. You have to look across the range
of behaviors I listed earlier to come to a correct categorization.
So, there are drivers and there are builders. Most people can’t
and don’t change their basic leadership styles. Change happens
very rarely and only after people go through some significant life
event, like a great trauma, from which they learn a significant lesson.
Even then, it’s pretty unusual to change styles, and leaders really
don’t have to change to win.
ENGAGING LEADERS ARE VERSATILE
If overreliance on your basic style is a limitation, and people
generally don’t change, then what’s a driver or builder to do? You
could hire a second-in-command who complements your style, but
that has its own set of issues. Instead, you need to become more versatile.
You need to understand versatility, recognize situations where
a departure from your usual approach will be more successful, and
act accordingly. When you do this, you are better able to engage a
broader variety of talents. You’ll be able to guide a wider range of
people and situations. This will make you more effective and successful.
You won’t change your basic style, but you will use some of
the best behaviors of the opposite style more often. This isn’t easy, but
engaging leadership isn’t supposed to be easy. That’s why there are
so few consistent winners among leaders.
10 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
Phil Jackson showed this versatility in bringing the Lakers together
during the 2000–2001 season, but it was hard. For much of
the year, O’Neal and Bryant fought each other over who was the
team leader and Los Angeles played way below its potential. The
infighting threatened to sink the entire season. Jackson tried to let
them work it out by themselves. But even then, he scolded the two
of them publicly and privately for their childlike behavior, calling it
“silly” and likening it to a “sandbox fight.” He also took Bryant
aside to talk about trading him, while making it known that Shaq
wasn’t going anywhere.
Eventually, his comments got through to Bryant, who saw the
team win without him while he was injured. Jackson thought the
squabble forced a change in his coaching, “I’m much firmer with
these guys. I was more lenient and patient last year than this year.”8
He didn’t want to be. His inclinations as a builder were to let the two
of them work it out, but he recognized he had to do something. Moreover,
comments from the other Lakers showed they wanted Jackson
to take control and solve the problem. They wanted him to lead.
In 2001, throughout baseball’s long season, Lou Piniella showed
a level of versatility that had been growing for several years. Afiery,
hard-driving guy, Piniella was known early in his playing career for
his temper and his toughness. Even as a manager in the late 1980s
and early 1990s, he kicked his hat at umpires and trashed water
coolers in the dugout. He pushed and prodded the 1990 Cincinnati
Reds, with their “nasty boy” pitchers, to a surprising World Series
victory. But age, maturity, and wisdom combined to calm him
down. “I’ve really learned to manage since I’ve been here in Seattle,”
he says. “I manage myself and I manage my team better.”9
Jay Buhner played for Piniella with both the Yankees and the
Mariners. “We can remember his tirades, him kicking his hat and
pulling up bases, and then, the next day, him coming in and he can’t
1 / Engaging Leadership 11
bend over because he pulled his back out trying to get the base out.
He’s still a very emotional guy. He wears his emotions on his sleeve.
But he realizes he doesn’t have to kick some of these guys in the
butt. He’s an absolute pleasure to work for and I would run through
a wall for that guy.”10
Drivers and builders become more engaging when they become
more versatile and flexible in their approaches by adapting the best
behaviors of the other style. Engaging leadership is not a third style.
You’re either a driver or a builder, and you’re unlikely to change.
But you become an engaging driver or an engaging builder when
you learn to take on some good habits of the other style when it’s
necessary. The more you’re able to do this, the more engaging you
become. And the more engaging you become, the more you win.
As with Piniella, engaging leadership usually is learned through experience.
Your natural inclination will be toward driving or building,
but engaging people takes time and the wisdom you acquire by trying
out different leadership approaches. Torre managed three different
teams over 14 years and had a lifetime losing record before
he got to the Yankees. Jackson was a player-coach, minor league
coach, and assistant coach before taking over the Bulls. Some things
take time and experience, and becoming an engaging leader is one
of them.
What does versatility look like? We’ll explore this throughout
the book, but briefly:
• Drivers become more engaging when they become more
patient, positive, and responsive to individual needs. They
need to listen more and show greater concern for people,
relationships, and processes. They become more engaging
when they “dial down” the control, treat people like individuals,
and trust them to do the right things.
12 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
• Builders become more engaging when they become more demanding
for results and accountability. They need to increase
the pressure to get results and the appropriate consequences
when the results are not met. They become more engaging
when they insist people get with the program by putting
aside their own agendas, and trust that people can handle the
heightened demands.
As a result of being more versatile, engaging leaders in business:
• Get their results through people. They know that’s how to win
consistently.
• Stress results and reinvestment. They push hard for profitability
and growth, in part so they can make sizeable reinvestments
in developing people and organizational systems that
enable people to work better.
• Make the big decisions. They make the big or tough decisions
on a timely basis with a useful amount of input. They know
followers expect them to lead. They also leave decisions
about execution to the people closest to the work.
• Intervene when appropriate. They develop a feel for stepping in
at the right times, not too often or too seldom. They know
when to press hard to solve a problem or demand greater
performance, and they know when to let people work things
out on their own.
• Focus on the head, hands, and heart. They understand that getting
work done requires head and hands, but more gets done
when it is fueled by a love of the work. They make sure that
people enjoy what they do and feel respected. This often
1 / Engaging Leadership 13
involves finding out what the person wants to do and enabling
them to do it.
• Balance the short term and long term. They keep one eye on the
present and one on the future. They’re quick to take action to
address what’s necessary for today while continuing to build
for tomorrow.
• Are “in the moment.” They vary between stepping front and
center and hanging back, depending upon the situation.
They’ll shield their team if necessary or encourage team
members to take the stage and the credit.
• Show their feelings. They express their emotions in an authentic
and respectful way. Some leaders show a lot of emotion,
others show less because of their personalities. But engaging
leaders know the value of displaying their feelings. Your people
learn to understand and expect your rhythms because
they’re real and out in the open. Engaging leaders are much
more positive than negative because people respond better to
that. They know the most important emotion is hope—hope
is the wellspring of motivation. Still, they recognize they
have to be realistic too. They can be effective when they’re
angry or critical as long as it’s genuine and happens less frequently
than joy, optimism, and praise.
Quarterback Trent Green summed up the description of an engaging
leader when he described his coach in St. Louis and Kansas
City, Dick Vermeil. Said Green, “Dick is such a positive and upbeat
[person], always finding the best in a certain situation and always
trying to stay real positive. He’s not afraid to scream and yell, don’t
get me wrong, but for the most part he tries to keep everything pos-
14 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
itive. He’s very demanding in terms of the amount of hours we
have to spend and as much work as we do on the field.”11
ENGAGING IMPACTS
When you display these behaviors, you engage your employees
in several ways.
• You enable them to get to know you.
• You show them that you care about them.
• You help them admire you and want to work for you.
• You show them you’re intensely passionate and optimistic
about your work and your goals.
• You help them understand the value of taking a disciplined
approach to performing.
Exposure and Knowledge
Today, you have to expose yourself to your people in ways leaders
never had to before. The old, formal, distant, hierarchical-based
idea of leadership is dying. Your talented people expect to relate to
you in a more informal, egalitarian way, even if you would prefer
to have it another way.
One of the best examples of this I ever encountered was an entrepreneurial
leader I know who built a multibillion dollar technology
company. When the packing and shipping line went down,
he’d head straight to the warehouse to help put machines in boxes.
When he wasn’t needed for packing, he’d stay in the warehouse
1 / Engaging Leadership 15
anyway, making sure people had the supplies they needed and coffee
and food to keep going. Gordon Bethune did a similar thing in
rebuilding Continental Airlines. He’d work the ticket counters and
tarmacs on a regular basis.
On the other hand, one of the biggest weaknesses I see in some
business leaders is that they keep their distance from their employees.
I don’t mean their fellow executives; I mean the people who
serve customers, load boxes, think up marketing campaigns, enter
data, and so on. How can you expect to know how customers are
being served or how much quality goes into your products if you
don’t know what people are thinking and feeling? Teams take on
the personalities of their leaders. Do you want yours to be cold, distant,
and uncaring?
People expect to get to know who you really are—your personality
and your preferences. That’s why engaging leaders show their
true feelings. They understand people want closeness. You shouldn’t
keep your distance, even if your employees want to keep their distance
from you.
Employees also expect you to get to know them. David Grainger,
who built W.W. Grainger into the United States’ largest industrial
and office supply business before retiring, was famous for walking
the halls and distribution centers, remembering people by name,
asking them about their families, and recalling their celebrations.
That’s one reason he became a beloved leader.
Sports have an advantage over many businesses in this regard:
most sports teams and organizations are small so it’s easy to get to
know people. On the other hand, it’s impossible for a coach to hide
his weaknesses as a person. If you lead a small organization or
work team, you must get to know your people personally—their
families, hobbies, interests, and issues. In a large organization, it may
be impossible for you to do that, but everyone can get to know you
16 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
if you reveal your true self. You have to be authentic; people can
sense when you are trying to be something you’re not. By the way,
if people don’t like what you reveal, they’ll tell you. Today, if you
don’t change, they’ll probably tell you on your way or their way out
the door.
Relationship Building and Caring
What I’m describing is relationship building, and as you build
that relationship, you have to show you care. People aren’t going to
care about you and your concerns unless they know you care about
theirs. General Colin Powell said, “The day soldiers stop bringing
you their problems is the day you stopped leading them.”12
Engaging leaders don’t do this just to be nice, though it’s the
right way to deal with people. They do it because the more caring
they show, the more performance they can demand. Think about it. For
whom are you more likely to extend yourself, someone you love or
someone you don’t know or don’t like?
In 1998, the Center for Creative Leadership did a study on what
distinguishes effective leaders from ineffective ones. After reviewing
mountains of data it found only one difference: effective leaders
cared about their people.13
Demonstrating caring is done one on one. That means knowing
what each member of your team needs to make him or her feel valued.
Appreciation is a highly personal thing. It’s different for each
individual. To show appreciation, you may have to take as many
different approaches as you have unique people. Your people will
feel appreciated based on the personal relationship you build with
each of them as their leader.
1 / Engaging Leadership 17
Dusty Baker, formerly of the San Francisco Giants, now the
manager of the Cubs, won baseball’s Manager of the Year award
three times. He knows the way to a player’s heart is through his
stomach. Giants’ star, Barry Bonds, gave away Baker’s secret to success.
“He always brings food in every day. He takes care of everybody.
When he knows you’re down and out, he does something to
perk you up. When you’re struggling, he’ll say, ‘Here I brought you
lunch. You’re looking a little weak. I want you to get strong.’”14
Baker learned the value of good nutrition from Hank Aaron and
now spends $50 to $60 a day on food for his team. He knows every
good restaurant in National League cities—not the fanciest, just the
best. But he doesn’t deliver food just to make people happy, he does
it to win. “You’ve got to be nutritionally strong. In the end, only the
strong survive.”15
Phil Jackson feeds players egos, not their bodies. Former player
Stacy King didn’t get along well with Phil when they were with the
Bulls. Now a coach in the CBA, King patterns himself after Phil.
Said King, “During my first two years with him, I despised about
95 percent of Phil’s approach. Now I see the big picture that I didn’t
see before. My style is actually a lot like Phil’s, especially how he
handled players. They all have personalities, and to mesh them together
without too many restrictions on them takes a lot of work.”16
Jackson discovered that Shaquille O’Neal wanted a close, fatherson
type relationship because of O’Neal’s family background. So
that’s what Jackson worked on, even before he started coaching
him. He also joined with O’Neal’s family to encourage him to finish
his degree. O’Neal, with the Lakers’ blessing, left the team for a few
days during the 2000–2001 season to attend graduation ceremonies
at LSU. To Jackson, it was a matter of supporting O’Neal and his
family and getting priorities right.
18 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
Admiration and Integrity
The ability to make smart, tough decisions, while still acknowledging
the emotional side of things and responding to people’s feelings,
makes you a hero to your people. And people want to work for
leaders they admire. I hear this all the time in my consulting. Employees
spend a lot of time looking upward in their companies, and
when they talk about bosses they admire—whether it’s their supervisors
or the CEO—they say it with a smile and great personal
pride.
The desire to admire may be a distinctly American trait. I’m not
certain. Some experts talk about Americans being hero worshippers,
based on our culture that celebrates individualism. At the
same time, much of the literature on leadership says that heroic
leadership is overrated and unnecessary in organizations, even
though that’s what the business press likes to write about.
I agree you don’t need to be a heroic leader, like the classic
stereotype, to be a success. Still, you have to want to lead and be
willing to get out in front. You don’t have to be particularly charismatic,
though you have to be able to communicate. People love and
are inspired by everyday heroes. It helps them feel like they’re
working in the right company if they can look up to their leaders.
Arthur Ashe, the great tennis player, described very well the
kind of hero to which I’m referring. Ashe said, “True heroism is remarkably
sober, very undramatic. It is not the urge to surpass all
others at whatever cost, but the urge to serve others at whatever
cost.”17 Leading by serving others to reach your organization’s goals is the
essence of engaging leadership.
When I ask people what traits they most admire in leaders, the
first thing they say is integrity. There are many other traits that people
1 / Engaging Leadership 19
admire in their leaders, but integrity appears to be the foundation—
courage, confidence, and caring all flow from it.
Integrity is a big word that can mean many different things. But
keep it simple. If people are going to follow your lead, they expect
you to act honestly and ethically. We’ve all seen what happens to a
company when its leaders lack integrity—Enron comes to mind.
The best people, the kind you want to keep, won’t hang around if
you do one thing and say another or don’t play fairly.
People watch this very carefully all the time. Former New York
mayor Rudy Giuliani earned everyone’s overwhelming admiration
for his leadership during the World Trade Center crisis. Though his
political career was near ruin before September 11, after the horrible
terrorist attack he showed the combination of toughness and
tenderness that marks great, engaging leaders. People saw an authentic,
emotional side to him that hadn’t been visible before, and
they were uplifted by it.
The one time he slipped in people’s eyes was when he proposed
staying on as mayor after New York City’s November 2001 election.
New Yorkers were highly critical of him because they saw this as a
violation of the integrity of the election process. Once he dropped
his ill-thought case for staying in office, New York’s new love for
him quickly returned.
Passion and Intensity
Your people also won’t give you outstanding effort unless they
see great passion from you. If it’s not tremendously important to
you, don’t expect it to be very important to your team. Your team
will take on your characteristics. If you want intensity and enthusiasm
from your people, show them yours. If you’re not prepared to
20 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
work harder and longer than your people, you can’t ask for maximum
effort and quality from them. Engaging leaders ask and get
people to work as hard as they do.
The Cleveland Browns, an expansion team, fired coach Chris
Palmer after its first two seasons, hardly enough time to get started.
When asked why, Browns’ president Carmen Policy said, “I think
football is almost as much feel and emotion as it is execution. A
team will never grow unless it has spirit, energy, direction, and
hope. And I think we were lacking a great deal of each of those.”18
Policy replaced Palmer with Butch Davis, a much more emotional
and optimistic coach, and the Browns improved right away.
Is there an appropriate level of passion or intensity for a given
type of business? I think so. Here the sports analogy fits again. Football
has a relatively shorter season than baseball or basketball, and
it’s a collision sport. There are fewer games, but a football coach
asks his players to do lots of dirty work and unnatural things—
wear lots of padding, hit people hard, tackle other players who are
running at you at full speed, play in all kinds of weather, and so
on. This probably takes more pure emotion—executed at a louder
volume—and a driver mentality. Drivers coached the last several
Super Bowl winners. There are no dynasties anymore in football because
of the salary cap, increased movement of players, the impact
of the draft, and a scheduling process that rewards weaker teams by
giving them easier schedules. So football has a shorter-term focus:
A team gets a two or three year window to win it all. This helps explain
why an engaging driver, like Dick Vermeil or Brian Billick,
wins and Dennis Green falls short.
Still, the newer coaches in the NFL, with a few exceptions, tend
to be teachers more than screamers. They’re calmer, but if they’re
versatile, they have their loud moments. Steve Marriuci, the successful
coach of the San Francisco 49ers, described his approach, “I
1 / Engaging Leadership 21
think you can be a gentleman and succeed and treat players fairly
and like men.”19 The hardcore screamers, like Mike Ditka, have faded
into the past.
Basketball and baseball seasons, on the other hand, are a longer
grind in which the teams play almost every day for seven months
with fewer people. This requires a steadier approach, more like the
builder mind-set. As Steve Kerr, a long-time NBA player with several
teams said, “I think it’s difficult as a player when you’ve got a
coach jumping up and down on the sidelines all the time. You feel
more relaxed when your coach is relaxed.”20
In my experience, businesses that are more operationally focused,
where the activities are more repetitive, controlled by processes,
group-oriented, and perhaps less intellectually stimulating,
are more like football. They require more passion from the top for
employee motivation, and effective and engaging drivers can do
well. Many manufacturing and process-driven companies, like
Whirlpool or Southwest Airlines, benefit from this kind of leadership.
So do customer service companies that involve short-cycle
sales or more straightforward service operations, like FedEx or Wal-
Mart. Though there may be less intrinsic motivation in the work itself,
you need to provide more inspirational leadership throughout
the company. This requires more volume and outward emotion
from you and other leaders.
When work is more individually focused and personally and
intellectually challenging, like engineering, legal work, health care,
and consulting, or the emphasis is on long-term, carefully cultivated
relationships, the calmer approach is better. In companies like
Merck or IBM, you can appeal to the person on an individual level
about issues of quality, service, and the other results you need.
Leadership doesn’t usually require the same volume, and highly
aggressive leaders often are counterproductive. They become a dis-
22 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
traction to the thinkers who are creating products and relationships.
A builder is a more effective leader in these types of companies.
Still, the importance of communicating passion can’t be overstated
for any kind of work. Both cold drivers and calm builders
have to change their approaches. Your passion, as long as it’s positive,
unlocks the energy that fuels people to victory. Without passion,
you can’t have quality. People want passion and hope in their
lives, and talented people want to feel it in their jobs.
At the same time, engaging leaders know the difference between
intensity and tension. They raise the tension just enough to
have intense motivation. Too much tension becomes its own focus
and causes distraction. This is the downfall of many drivers who
can’t move beyond their usual style. On the other hand, builders
who aren’t versatile seem not to create enough tension or they inadvertently
cause too much. When they don’t create enough, their
people lack the fire that it takes to win. When they effect too much
tension, it’s because they let a problem go unresolved for too long.
Their followers feel overly tense because they’re waiting nervously
for their leader to help with the problem.
Your task as an engaging leader is to create just enough intensity so
people can enjoy their work every day. People need to have fun to win.
You can actually measure whether the intensity level is right by
how much people love what they do. Tense or fear-oriented leadership
takes the fun out of it for everyone. As Lou Piniella says, “Basically,
I let my players play. I want them to have fun, I want them
to be relaxed and loose and go out and give me all they’ve got.
When players execute, it makes the manager look good.”21
If the proper intensity is there most days and you’ve built
strong relationships with your team, you can turn up the intensity
when you need to rise to a challenge or make big changes. You can
ask for more and get it during big moments. You can ask people to
1 / Engaging Leadership 23
extend themselves even further than they think they can. They’ll
reach for the impossible and do it when they’re able because you’ve
engaged them.
Discipline and Participation
The last fundamental for an engaging leader is to set a discipline
for performing. In some ways, this comes easily for both drivers and
builders, though they approach it differently. How things get done
is very important to both of them—for drivers it’s often “my way”
and for builders it’s “let’s agree on how to do it?” Ineffective leaders
rely too much on their own usual approach—either “my way or the
highway” or “you people decide and let me know.” Engagers understand
it’s a combination of both top-down direction and bottomup
involvement. They know when to make the decision, how much
input to get, and when to let others decide. People need to buy in to
what you want to get done, but they won’t accept it unless they
have a voice in goals and methods.
Engage people by establishing accountabilities and a structure for accomplishing
them, and then let them operate. This may seem obvious
after all these years of employee involvement, but I still see many
companies grind people down with operational efficiencies, driving
pride and creativity out in the name of process control. Varying
processes does disrupt efficiency, but a lack of opportunity for input
just puts people to sleep. You need to strike a balance between
prescribed methods and enabling employees to have their say, or
you can watch your productivity fall as dullness overcomes your
workplace.
Engaging leaders balance the right fundamentals for playing
their games or running their businesses with the right level of par-
24 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
ticipation by their team members. During the 2001 baseball playoffs,
Piniella’s Mariners got beat by Cleveland in game four by a
score of 17–2. Piniella hated to lose but he wasn’t upset with the
score. Instead he was concerned because his team didn’t play good
defense. He didn’t scream after the embarrassing loss because he
knew his veteran team would steady themselves. His players took
it upon themselves to go into their locker room to sit and talk it
over. They said they spent most of the hour kidding each other and
laughing, forgetting about how badly they played, so they could get
ready for the next game. It must have worked. The Mariners won
the decisive fifth game to go on to the League Championship.
Phil Jackson surprised people at how quickly he was able to
take the same Lakers team all the way to the top after it collapsed
in the playoffs the previous year. Even the man who replaced him
with the Bulls, Tim Floyd, was impressed with the structure Jackson
brought, “He [Jackson] did a remarkable job of organizing that
team, identifying and giving them roles, identifying who their shotmakers
were, shoring up their defense, teaching them how to play
playoff basketball, the whole deal.”22
These behaviors—learning about your people, relationship
building, caring, integrity, passion, and discipline—form the foundation
of engaging leadership, whether you’re a driver or a builder.
When you read positive comments about coaches from their players,
these are the things players almost always describe. What
would your team say about you?
People who watched Bill Belichick lead the New England Patriots
to the Super Bowl Championship said he changed and grew as
a leader. He was still the same defensive mastermind, but he was no
longer so aloof and remote, a communications disaster. This was his
second try at being a head coach, and he learned to loosen up and
listen more. One of his players, Terrell Buckley, said, “The great
1 / Engaging Leadership 25
coaches listen to their players but keep control. That’s when you
have something special. It makes players around here excited.”23
Tough and tender. A loveable taskmaster. Realistic optimist.
Whatever you call it, the intersection of driving and building behaviors
is what engages most people. Successful leaders learn this
in their interactions with people. They become more versatile, expanding
their own styles by taking on some behaviors that are unnatural
to them at first, but become second nature as followers
reinforce them by responding favorably. The ability to incorporate
parts of these seeming opposites, like the skill of reconciling group
goals and individual needs, will make you an engaging leader and
a long-time, big-time winner.
T H E H U D D L E
1. Now that you’ve read about drivers and builders, what’s
your style? How do you know? (Complete the short questionnaire
at the end of this book to find out.) Which coaches
or leaders do you most admire? What are their styles? Usually
you admire people who are like you or the ones you
want to be like.
2. How versatile are you? Do you regularly use behaviors of
both drivers and builders? Which behaviors? What do your
people say about you? How engaging do they think you are?
3. Answer the following questions using a 1-to-5 scale, with 5
being a high score:
• How well do you get to know your people?
• How successfully do you show your people you care
about them?
26 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
• How much do your people admire you?
• How often do you display your passion and optimism
for your work and your goals?
• Do you bring a disciplined approach to getting things
done the right way?
What do you need to do to bring each score up to a 5?
1 / Engaging Leadership 27
28 E N G A G I N G L E A D E R S W I N
2
29
C H A P T E R T W O
THE URGENCY OF
ENGAGEMENT
“If Phil goes, I’m right behind him. At this point in my career,
I couldn’t play for anyone else.”
—All-Star center and MVP Shaquille O’Neal on his coach, Phil Jackson1
MARKET-DRIVEN EMPLOYMENT RELATIONSHIPS
You’ll notice that the quote from Shaq is just like the quote in
the previous chapter from Randy Moss about Dennis Green. Great
leaders inspire that kind of loyalty. And, engaging leaders win.
There’s an urgency to becoming an engaging leader that never
existed before. You must become more engaging, and you should
do it right away. It’s not just that engaging leaders win; it’s the
changing nature of business and the workforce. You have to become
an engaging leader if you want to get and keep the talent you’ll
need to achieve the results you want.
We now live in an era of unprecedented volatility in labor markets.
Like it or not, and there are many reasons not to like it, justin-
time workforces are the rule. For example, in one year, from
October 2000 to October 2001, we spun from the tightest labor market
in recent history—employers couldn’t find people to hire no matter
what they offered—to widespread panic over layoffs. We lost over
1.5 million jobs in the United States during this period as business
slowed down, and even profitable companies cut jobs and people.
Though there’s evidence that avoiding layoffs is good for business,
fewer companies seem to acknowledge or practice this, and
sometimes layoffs do seem unavoidable. Laying off people to cut
costs occurs more widely with each dip in the business cycle. Some
companies now get rid of people just because profits aren’t growing
fast enough. No wonder our workforce is wary and distrustful.
The laws of supply and demand rule labor markets today, just
like they do markets for money and goods. This wasn’t always the
case. Until the early 1980s, many companies shielded employees
from downturns because that was how they maintained loyal
workforces. No more. Since then we’ve built a market-driven employment
relationship, where the workplace and the outside marketplace
move hand in hand. When business is slow and jobs are
scarce, power and resources belong to employers. When business is
good and jobs are plentiful, employees have the power.
Guess what? Talented employees are about to gain more power
than ever. You’ll need them more than they’ll need you.
THE COMING TALENT SHORTAGE
Here’s a dire warning for business leaders: The demand for skilled talent
is about to far outstrip the supply, and stay that way. Even during
the downturn and recession of 2000–2002, unemployment stayed
low by historical standards. There were shortages of skilled people in
some industries and parts of the country. These shortages are going
to spread and increase, even when the economy isn’t booming.
30 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
Talent shortages will become a way of life for you and your
business. Think of October 2000, when unemployment hit 3.9 percent
nationwide, as a preview of things to come. Quite soon you’ll
feel like you’re in a permanent talent shortage, always challenged
to get the people you need. As management guru Peter Drucker
said about the new workforce, “Accept the fact that we have to treat
almost anybody as a volunteer.”2
Demographics and Skills
The reason for this is primarily demographic. The U.S. workforce
is growing very slowly. Soon it will actually shrink for several years
before it returns to another period of slow growth. The talent pool
won’t be able to keep up with employment needs and you’ll have
trouble hitting your business goals.
It’s a matter of numbers. There were about 77 million people
born between 1946 and 1964—the baby boom generation. But there
were only 52 million people born between 1965 and 1978—generation
X. This means you’ll see a huge drop-off in the number of people
who are in their prime working years, ages 21 to 60, over the
next few years as baby boomers start to retire. In fact, the most conservative
projections, based on U.S. Department of Labor numbers,
tell us that by 2006, when the first boomers turn 60, there will be
two million more jobs in this country than people to do them. By
2011, the shortage will be five million people.3
Even in a slow economy, we’ll still have a shortage of talented
people. The Department of Labor numbers only assume a moderate
growth rate in the gross domestic product, quite a bit slower than
we had during our long economic expansion from 1992–2000. So,
the actual talent shortage could be much bigger. Some demogra-
2 / The Urgency of Engagement 31
phers and economists think it may grow as large as 10 million people
over the next 20 years.
When will you see relief? Not for a long time. Generation Y,
largely the children of baby boomers, numbers about 78 million.
The first of them are entering the workforce now, but most won’t be
educated and ready for years. By then, many of Gen Y’s baby boom
parents will be retiring, so their entry into the workforce won’t ease
the pain too much. All they’ll do is replace the departing boomers.
In addition to the numbers, there’s also the issue of skills. We
aren’t educating highly skilled people fast enough to keep up with
the growing demands of our more complicated jobs. An increasing
number of jobs now require the equivalent of a college education to
perform them. Jobs that used to be simple now call for complex
problem solving as more technology is put into use. Computers
haven’t made things simpler; they’ve made them more difficult. In
ten years, the United States could have a gap of at least 3.5 million
jobs requiring bachelor’s degrees with no one to fill them.
Attitudes and Values
People’s attitudes and values about work have changed too. In
market-driven employment relationships, the attitude of both companies
and employees is “what have you done for me lately?” Job hopping increases
or slows down in sync with the economy, but even in bad
times skilled people keep moving to better opportunities. This will
only increase as the talent pool shrinks.
Indeed, many people no longer think about long-term jobs in
organizations. Loyalty to organizations is pretty much dead in business.
Corporate America killed it through layoffs, restructurings,
mergers, and similar activities of the last 20 years. People have learned
to fend for themselves.
32 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
Consider this:
• According to the Department of Labor, almost 40 percent of
American workers have been with their companies two years
or less. This is double what it used to be.4
• Less than 10 percent of American workers have been with
their companies more than 20 years. This is about half of
what it traditionally was.
• It used to be that, on average, people had three or four jobs
during their careers. Now that number has grown to seven or
eight, and it keeps growing as people become more mobile.
• Even companies on Fortune magazine’s list of the 100 best
places to work in America report average voluntary turnover
of about 14 percent.5
• Department of Labor numbers suggest that about one-quarter
of American workers are “free agents.” They’re self-employed
or work temporarily or in very small businesses that employ
just a handful of people. These free agents outnumber people
that work in manufacturing or the public sector, the largest
parts of the economy.
Surveys of American workers show repeatedly that while a
large majority of people would like to be loyal to their employers,
most know their loyalty will not be reciprocated.6 They realize
they’ll be let go without much hesitation whenever the company
wants. Most people now understand that job security doesn’t exist
and their career security depends on their skill set, not their companies.
In addition, only about one-third of Americans love their
jobs.
2 / The Urgency of Engagement 33
Workforce attitudes break out like this:
• About one-quarter to one-third feel real loyalty to their employers,
defined as wanting to and expecting to stay at their
companies for the next few years. This percentage is much
higher for executives and much lower for rank-and-file
employees.
• One-third feel “trapped.” They’d like to leave their companies
if they could, but they think it will be difficult to find another
job. This feeling is strongest among younger baby boomers and
generation Xers who have growing family responsibilities.
• Another one-third would leave their jobs tomorrow. The
younger you are, the more likely you are to feel this way.7
Additionally, with big technology changes in the ways companies
hire and the ways people look for jobs, today more than half of
the workforce is constantly “scanning” for new opportunities—
checking Web sites, posting resumes on the Internet, looking at
Web-based job boards, and so on.8 They also do things the oldfashioned
way, talking to friends about where they work and answering
calls from recruiters.
Companies may not like this, but it’s probably the right mindset
to have. It shows flexibility and self-preservation, just like the
ways companies hire, fire, and pay people. Long-term employment
has become a thing of the past for most. Pension plans, promotions,
and annual pay increases have given way to defined contribution
plans, flatter organizations, and variable pay, so reward schemes no
longer bind people to companies. Benefit plans are portable and
pay is contingent on performance. This is the market-driven employment
relationship.
34 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
WHAT TALENT WANTS
The new realities of employment have fueled many of these attitude
changes. Changes in values drive a lot of them too. Today baby
boomers and gen Xers make up the bulk of the workforce, with gen
Yers starting to join. Parents raised these generations with heavy
emphasis on the individual. Though there are big differences between
these three generations, it’s fair to say that a large majority of
them are looking for four things from work: freedom, control,
accountability, and caring.
Freedom
Freedom means the ability to be who you are and express yourself
without having to be someone you’re not. Self-expression started with
the boomers and grew stronger in succeeding generations. People
expect to be able to voice their opinions, dress as they want within
reason, and bring their personalities to work, not check them at the
door. They also expect to be listened to and taken seriously by their
bosses. Self-expression also stands for finding meaning in your
work, or at least liking what you do. This is another key value of
these generations. Finally, talented employees expect to have opportunities
for development so they can keep learning and growing.
They know this is really critical for their own personal career
security in the permanently unstable working world.
Control
Demands for self-expression also lead to increasing expectations
for personal control over work. People enjoy their work when they
2 / The Urgency of Engagement 35
know what their responsibilities are and have the autonomy to
achieve them. They don’t want to be told what to do and how to do it.
Even when the what-to-do comes down from above, talented employees
expect to figure out how to do it themselves. You also see this in
increasing demands for control over how people spend their time at
work. Boomers were the first to ask for some flexibility in their work
and lives. Gen Xers went further and asked for work-life balance. Gen
Yers believe their work should reflect their true interests and unique
personalities—work and life should be completely integrated. Corporations
that try to fit them into cubicles will have lots of empty spaces.
Accountability
Accountability means giving someone an assignment and holding him
or her responsible for delivering results. This isn’t unique to these generations
but it’s heightened in them. It’s part of the spirit of free
agency, of working for yourself. Talented people want this because
they believe performance is the only guarantee for their futures. Paternalism
and protected employment are dead, so the attitude is
“give me the chance to perform and hold me accountable so I can
show you what I can do.” In fact, one sure way to tell if you’ve got
high-initiative, high-talent employees is to see if they want to be accountable.
When people shrink from accountability, they’ll want
you to take care of them and assure they’ll be okay even when they
don’t deliver. Who wants employees like that?
Caring
Caring relationships increase people’s investments in your workplace.
Warm relationships help employees feel connected, like who they
36 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
are matters. This multiplies their motivations to help you meet your
goals. Employees who like their associates will want to do well for
their friends, coworkers, and you. They also want people they can
talk to about personal things at work, others to confide in about
their issues. For some of that, they’ll come to you, if they feel safe.
For the rest, they want some friends. A sure sign of disengagement,
as well as poor social skills, is when a person doesn’t have close relationships
at work.
Freedom, control, accountability, and caring are ways for people
to seek some measure of individual stability in a very unstable and
constantly changing world. They help people feel like they’re important
and that they’re working for themselves. This is the best of
the free agent mind-set, and what you want your employees to feel.
The more they sense these things, the more they’ll feel they’ve chosen
to work for you. Choice may be the most powerful motivator of all.
Perceived choice also increases people’s sense of self-reliance,
because they think they did it themselves. When all you see around
you is impermanence, you have to become your own anchor. Think
about the work experience of gen X. When it started to enter the
workforce in the late 1980s and early 1990s, it hit tough job markets,
fed by restructuring employers and uneven economic times. Then
when things started to boom in the mid-1990s, Xers were in such
hot demand, they could name their own terms. When the slowdown
hit in 2000, they saw their jobs evaporate, particularly in the technology
sector. No wonder they learned to fend for themselves.
Respond to These Values
To engage people, you have to respond to these attitudes and
values. You can’t impose a “one size fits all” command and control
2 / The Urgency of Engagement 37
approach. You have to give people room to feel they’re making their
own decisions about how to do their jobs and the amount of effort
to put into them. At the same time, you can’t be too lax or you won’t
be successful. People in organizations want structure; if they didn’t,
they’d be out working on their own. Yet people still want to feel the
pride associated with being successful. It takes standards to get
there. You have to adapt and hit the right balance.
This is one reason hardcore drivers like Pat Riley don’t win as
much anymore. Many drivers don’t provide enough room for individuals
to feel like they’re making their own choices. Riley was
born at the end of the last generation to emphasize teamwork and
sacrifice individualism for duty. This is the “Ike” generation, born
between the end of the Great Depression and the end of World War
II and named after war hero President Dwight Eisenhower. As children,
they grew up watching America, led by big government, rise
up out of financial disaster, defeat the Axis powers, and rebuild
much of the world after the war.
Seeing this, Ikes learned to trust institutions, making it the last
generation to put the corporation first, ahead of home and family.
No surprise that the team movement in American business hit its
peak while Ikes were CEOs. But for Ikes or anyone else to win today
they need to adapt. Riley’s methods worked well when he was
coaching older boomers, like Magic Johnson and Kareem Abdul
Jabbar, who still could be taught to buy into his way of thinking.
People feel very differently today, especially Xers and Yers.
They don’t trust government, business, or other institutions, including
your company. They don’t see stability in them; they live
change. They believe personal security comes from trusting their
own instincts and abilities. We might yearn to go back to a simpler
time, but it’s not reality. Riley’s now coaching Xers and Yers, but he
hasn’t changed to accommodate their different beliefs. It’s no sur-
38 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
prise he doesn’t like playing rookies on his teams and only does so
when there’s no alternative.
Still, hard-driving, command-and-control leadership is not just
the province of the Ike generation. A funny thing happened to Buck
Showalter on the way to the 2001 World Series. He had managed
and helped build the two teams that competed, the Yankees and the
Arizona Diamondbacks, but he wasn’t leading either of them in the
series. Showalter is a baby boomer who’s every bit as hard-driving
as Riley. His organizational manual for the Diamondbacks was
thick and rule-bound, just like Riley’s playbook. Showalter even
told players how high to wear their socks. In New York and Arizona,
Showalter built his teams and got them to the playoffs, but
lost in the first round. Then he was fired from both places for being
too controlling. Each time a more laid-back person—Joe Torre in
New York and Bob Brenly in Arizona—replaced him, and each time
the team won the World Series the next year.
Quite telling was Brenly’s first big move after taking over Arizona.
When training camp opened, he gathered all the players together.
He took Showalter’s big manual and dropped it to the floor.
In its place he took out a napkin and wrote down his rules: Play
hard and be on time. His players followed them and became the
fastest expansion team to win the World Series.9 Brenly clearly understood
how to engage people by giving them the freedom to succeed.
ENGAGING LEADERSHIP IS THE SOLUTION
No one knows where these huge changes in the employment relationship,
the talent shortage, or new attitudes and values will take
us, but one thing is apparent: For the foreseeable future, talented people
won’t stay in jobs they don’t like. They’ll have more opportunities
2 / The Urgency of Engagement 39
than ever, and they won’t stay with their companies if they can’t
stand their bosses. As the old saying goes, “people don’t quit their
jobs, they quit their bosses.” This is truer today than ever. Lousy
leaders will run the stars out of your companies.
On the other hand, there’s plenty of evidence to suggest that
skilled people want to work for winning leaders. Grade A talent
wants to work for Grade A leadership. It won’t settle for less. You
can build loyalty to engaging bosses, even if you can’t build it to companies.
Stars like Shaquille O’Neal can play anywhere. He’s already
played for two teams and several coaches, but he loves playing for
Jackson. To be an engaging leader, you need to figure out how Phil
Jackson and others like him build this kind of devotion.
For three years, I helped lead Hewitt Associates in gathering and
analyzing the data that Fortune magazine used to publish in its list
of the 100 best places to work in the United States. Several factors
contributed to a company making the list. The number one factor
was leadership. Leaders who emphasized inspiring and engaging
people were the keys to being a great employer. These leaders knew
they had to manage relationships, as well as the bottom line, to have
lasting success. With this kind of leadership, these companies had
twice the applicant pool and half the turnover of other companies.
The lesson for you is you have to develop your skills at engaging
people whether you manage in a for-profit business, a not-forprofit
organization, or even lead volunteer work in your church or
community. The opportunities available to talented individuals and
the demands placed on them will keep them very, very busy in the
years ahead. As a leader, you will face huge challenges in getting
and holding skilled people—bigger obstacles than you’ve ever experienced
before.
You’ll have to navigate your way through these rough waters,
and you’ll need some kind of compass. Very few employers have
40 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
been here before, and there’s no proven business model showing
how to do it. You have to look somewhere else for clues.
That’s why I picked pro sports as a way to illustrate engaging
leadership. Sports have been dealing with a shortage of skilled talent,
great mobility, and a workforce full of gen Xers and Yers for
several years. Leadership in sports shows us some huge triumphs
and some gigantic mistakes, so it’s a great learning laboratory.
When your best talent can change companies like Shaquille O’Neal
can change teams, the place to look to learn how to lead people today is
professional sports.
MIXING SPORTS AND BUSINESS
Does it really make sense to look at sports to learn about business
leadership? Yes, because the worlds of professional sports and
business never have been more similar, particularly when it comes
to leading skilled, highly mobile talent.
I think you can learn a lot about effective leadership as we examine
how a variety of individuals and organizations win. It’s also
undeniable that pro coaches and teams have made some spectacular
mistakes in leading players. We’ll look at some of these errors,
along with the successes, to understand how you can become an engaging
leader.
Just think about how much alike professional sports and business
are now.
• Above everything else, talent now defines whether you win
or lose. This always has been true in sports. It’s true today in
business where more than 80 percent of U.S. jobs are in the
service and information industries. Value creation in these
2 / The Urgency of Engagement 41
industries is mostly a matter of brain power and sharing information—
in other words, talent and how it works together.
• Pro athletes and skilled employees both have unprecedented
freedom of movement, and this will continue to grow. Athletes
achieved this through strong unions, agents, and the
premium placed on athletic skills. Employees are getting there
due to the talent shortage and new technology.
• Loyalty has evaporated in both places. Corporations broke
the loyalty bonds with their continual restructurings and layoffs.
Free agency took care of it in sports. Comedian Jerry
Seinfeld says players move around so much in sports that
we’re just rooting for the uniform now. In other words, we’re
all cheering for laundry.
• Because talent is so critical for success and so mobile, both
sports and business now invest money and time more heavily
in recruiting. Witness the wooing of free agents in baseball and
basketball. Then look at how similar that is to what companies
do on college campuses, particularly in knowledge-based
industries. One Chicago law firm even rented out Comiskey
Park to host a softball game between Northwestern and University
of Chicago law students as a recruiting event. Moreover,
sports and business both are looking at younger and
younger talent, even reaching into high schools to find future
stars. IBM and other companies sponsor a high school road
show urging college-bound youngsters to major in technical
fields so these companies will have a future talent pool.
• In both worlds, competitive pay is absolutely necessary to
get the talent you want, but it’s not sufficient. There’s increasing
evidence that great athletes and employees want more.
42 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
They want to play or work in successful organizations for
terrific coaches. In some cases, they’ll even turn down more
money to go with a winner.
• There’s much more media attention and pressure for shortterm
results in sports and business now. New cable channels,
radio stations, and Internet sites are constantly emerging to
discuss winners and losers. Not only that, but owners and
shareholders are more impatient than ever.
Bill Parcells, former coach of the NFL’s Giants, Patriots, and Jets,
made the same comparison in the Harvard Business Review, when he
was asked to discuss his approach to leadership. Parcells said, “The
people in your company have little loyalty; some even want you to
fail. Your star performers expect constant pampering. Your stockholders
are impatient, demanding quick results. And the media
scrutinize and second-guess your every move. I can relate.”10
Still, sports and business aren’t identical, and we should recognize
some big differences.
• Unions now are stronger in pro sports than they are in most
businesses. Unionization occurs only in about 10 percent of
for-profit businesses, and their power is concentrated in a
few segments, like transportation and the auto industry.
Union membership is higher in not-for-profit segments, like
education, health care, and government.
• Agents play a bigger role in sports than they do in business.
Some people think agents have ruined pro sports. The use of
agents is just beginning in business, but it’s definitely coming.
Some executive search and law firms are beginning to
play this role for executives and uniquely skilled individuals.
2 / The Urgency of Engagement 43
• The compensation systems in pro sports leagues don’t compare
to business, and baseball, especially, seems completely
broken. Most baseball teams report big operating losses year
after year, even though franchises continue to increase in
value. Yet as we’ve seen in the Enron, Tyco, and WorldCom
cases, compensation systems in business aren’t in great shape
either, particularly the ways executives are rewarded. It’s disgusting
to see CEOs get fired for poor performance and walk
away with millions. Say, that’s a lot like baseball.
• Sports have defined seasons by which they measure success.
Businesses have to measure success every day, though they
have quarterly results to report. Sports team will do major
makeovers in their off-seasons, but there’s no off-season in
business. Huge makeovers usually come during crises or
mergers and acquisitions.
• Sports teams can get rid of players easily, while it’s tougher
to do that in business. Players can be traded or released, particularly
when they’re thought to be too old to perform. We
have laws against that sort of thing in business.
These differences may seem huge to you, but the similarities are
stronger than the differences, and the two are becoming more alike
every day. As the business environment gets tougher, you need to
take the best ideas about leadership wherever you can find them
and use them to help you succeed. Your success depends on your
abilities to get and keep star talents and engage them to help you
win. You need to know how leaders who deal with scarce talent do
this every day and triumph.
44 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
THE REST OF THIS BOOK
Now that I’ve defined engaging leadership, sketched the coming
environment for talent, and told you why I think the analogy to
sports works, here’s what’s next. The remainder of this book digs
deeper into engaging leadership so you can build your understanding
and learn how to do it. To do that, we’ll focus on the three
key areas where engaging leaders build successful teams. This isn’t
everything leaders have to do, but they are the most important
things to do to become more engaging. I see this in business, sports,
and every team endeavor. These three areas are:
• Talent. How you select, develop, and keep the talent you need
to achieve high performance.
• Goals. How you excite people about your goals so they’ll put
in extra effort.
• Chemistry. How you build an environment with trust and
structure so people can work together effectively and with
excellence.
Drivers and builders have to address all three things to win.
They approach them differently, and I’ll point that out. Most crucial
is for you to recognize how you do these things now and how you
can become more versatile to engage your people.
Before we go any further, I acknowledge there’s a lot wrong
with professional sports. We all know it: greedy owners, coaches,
and players; escalating prices that drive fans away; strange collective
bargaining agreements that benefit the few at the cost of the
many; thug-like behavior by some athletes; gross immaturity by
2 / The Urgency of Engagement 45
others; unsavory agents; and so on. We’ve even reached the point
where Super Bowl XXXV MVP, Ray Lewis, doesn’t get asked to go
to Disney World or appear in the team photo on the Wheaties box
because of his off-the-field behavior. The only thing I can think of
that may be worse is college athletics. The athletes make millions
for their schools, don’t get paid for it, and can’t transfer without
penalties, all while their coaches take off for richer jobs at the drop
of a new shoe contract.
We can’t ignore the bad in pro sports, but I really want to concentrate
on those golden moments when a team comes together and
wins. How did the coach engage his players to do it? How does an
organization stay on top for years? What kind of leadership does
that require? How come some teams never win? How do you avoid
that trap? These are the things you can learn from and apply to your
own skills to become more engaging and successful.
While you probably could understand all you need to know
about leadership just by using the Yankees and Cubs as examples—
after all, who typifies winning and losing more than those two
teams—you’d be missing out on too many other great stories.
Looked at through the right lens, pro sports provide a great picture
of engaging leadership.
T H E H U D D L E
1. Describe the employment relationships you have at your
company. Do you practice layoffs or loyalty? Do you talk
about one and do the other, or are your words and actions
consistent? What impacts does this have on your workforce?
2. What are you doing to get ready for the coming talent
shortage?
46 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
3. How in tune are you with the attitudes and values of your
employees? How do you describe them? What generational
differences do you observe? What similarities?
4. How have you modified your leadership style to address the
employment relationships and attitudes and values that you
described? How has this helped you lead? What should you
do better?
2 / The Urgency of Engagement 47
48 E N G A G I N G L E A D E R S W I N
3
49
C H A P T E R T H R E E
TALENT
Get What You Need
“Money or not, it still comes down to your ability
to evaluate talent.”
—Brian Sabean, San Francisco Giants general manager1
BUILD ON YOUR STRENGTHS
A fan asked Yankee coach Don Zimmer, “What makes Joe Torre
such a good manager?” Zimmer replied, “Good players.”2 He was
only half-serious. Zimmer knows you can’t win without the right
players, but he thinks Torre’s a terrific manager. Still, not every
coach wins with great talent.
The upside of our mobile economy is that talent will move in
good times or bad. People will come to work for you when you
offer the right inducements. One huge inducement is the opportunity
to win.
Ernie Accorsi, general manager of the New York Giants said,
“Because of free agency, players are here because they want to be
here. It’s not like you draft them, and they have no choice. They
don’t come here . . . if they don’t think they have a chance to win.”3
Highly skilled employees are just like free agents in sports. Your
critical tasks are to know what you need to win and pick the best
people who fit your team.
This begins with understanding your strengths and building on
them. Certainly if your team has some glaring weaknesses—gaps in
your skills or knowledge—correct them. But winning comes from
concentrating on your strong points and building them to championship
status. This forces you to focus on doing a few crucial things
better than anyone else does—the things you have to do to win.
This is the road to success. Trying to do everything well—being all
things to all people—is too expensive, causes you to lose focus, and
ultimately confuses your customers and employees who don’t
know what to expect from you.
This is one area where there isn’t much difference between
drivers and builders. It has nothing to do with style. You either get
this concept or you don’t. You’ll be successful or you won’t.
Sports may be a little easier to understand than business on this
point because success models in sports are pretty constant. In baseball,
the old adage is pitching is 80 percent of the game. This always
proves true in the World Series. The team with the best pitching,
smart defense, and just enough hitting wins. You may make the
playoffs with a lot of hitting and just enough pitching, but no team
slugs its way to win the World Series. It just doesn’t happen.
It’s basically the same in other sports. In football, basketball,
and hockey, it’s almost always the teams that play the best defense
and have just enough offense that win championships. The St.
Louis Rams were an exception to this rule because they won the
Super Bowl with offense. On the other hand, the Denver Broncos,
who won the two previous Super Bowls, didn’t win throughout QB
John Elway’s brilliant career until they developed a stout defense
and a great running game. The Baltimore Ravens and New England
50 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
Patriots, champions of Super Bowls XXXV and XXXVI, showed that
brilliant defenses, even with mediocre offenses, win.
In business, there are many different ways to win, but the principle
of focusing on your strengths is the same. Research on market
leadership shows successful businesses emphasize their dominant
value proposition to build their core competencies and drive those
to become market leaders. You have to be competitive on price,
product, and service, but you have to pick one of those values and
use it to dominate your market. You do this by building your organization,
systems, and talent to fulfill this dominant value proposition,
the way Wal-Mart does on price, Nextel does on product, or
the Four Seasons Hotel does on service.4 Your business strategy, operating
model, and goals should come from your dominant value
proposition and help you get to the top.
Some rare companies are skillful enough to differentiate—be
somewhat better than competitive—in a second area, like the way
Southwest Airlines dominates on price and differentiates on service,
or the way BMW wins on product and is better than most on
service. This enables them to have the best margins in their industries.
But even these companies are few in number, and nobody can
afford to dominate in more than one area. (Then again, maybe differentiating
on service in the airlines and automotive industries
isn’t that difficult.)
LIKE-MINDED PEOPLE
As great teams in business and sports build on their strengths
and continue to win, they become known for these strengths. This
evolves into their personalities and traditions. It enables them to
attract and develop the best people who share the same traits and
3 / Talent: Get What You Need 51
skills. They win by extending their strengths and doing just enough
to solve their weaknesses.
Knowing your strengths and building on them will help you engage
people because you’ll attract like-minded people who want to do business
your way. You’ll also develop people in the areas they care about the
most. Do just enough to plug your weaknesses, but don’t dwell on
them, unless they’re in your core area or threaten your ability to
compete. At the same time, remember the intelligence, skills, attitudes,
and values you need reside in a diverse population of people.
It’s easy to mistake like-minded for “just like me.” This can be
fatal because you’ll choke off the differences that lead to creativity
and customer responsiveness.
The St. Louis Cardinals know what kind of talent they want and
get it. For as long as they have played in Busch Stadium, the Cardinals
have won when they’ve had great pitching and defense and just
enough hitting. Their stars have been their pitchers and fielders, like
Bob Gibson, Lou Brock, and Ozzie Smith. They often seem to win
with less offense than other teams—usually just a couple of big hitters
in the lineup—because their pitching, defense, and speed carry them.
The Cardinals tried to change a few years ago. First, they moved
in the outfield fences to encourage more home runs. Then they acquired
Mark McGwire, the great home run hitter. But this didn’t
work; it wasn’t true to who the Cardinals were. Even in 1998, when
McGwire became the first man to hit 70 home runs in a season, the
Cardinals finished third in their division for lack of pitching. The
next year, he hit 65 home runs, still a prodigious number, but the
Cardinals finished fourth. When this happened, general manager
Walt Jocketty and manager Tony LaRussa knew they needed to get
back to the Cardinals’ traditional strengths of pitching and defense.
Before the 2000 season, Jocketty acquired several veteran starting
pitchers, all proven winners. He bolstered the bullpen with a
52 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
new closer, and improved the defense with second baseman Fernando
Vina and center fielder Jim Edmonds. The plan worked
beautifully. Although McGwire missed most of the season with injuries,
the Cards won their division by a large margin and made the
playoffs for the first time since 1996.
The Cardinals kept the same plan for 2001. Looking ahead to
the season, Jocketty said, “One thing I would like to improve on for
next year is more team speed. We also need to continue to improve
our bullpen.”5 No more chasing after big boppers to try and change
the Cardinal tradition. In fact, the first trade the Cardinals made for
2001 was to send a power hitting third baseman and a pitching
prospect to the Montreal Expos for two quality pitchers.
Despite these acquisitions, the Cardinals struggled until late in
the 2001 season. Then, right before the trade deadline, they sent an
outfielder to San Diego for pitcher Woody Williams. Williams, a
pretty ordinary pitcher, was transformed in St. Louis, and, in turn,
changed the Cardinals. When he got there, Williams made some adjustments
with the pitching coach and went 7–1 to finish the season
and lift the team into the playoffs. The team stayed on its traditional
path for 2002 and won its division.
Contrast this with a team that hasn’t established a tradition. The
NFL’s Arizona Cardinals, who used to play in St. Louis, never have
established a reputation as being strong at any aspect of the game—
passing, running, defense, or special teams. They usually have losing
seasons, so they get their share of high draft choices. Still,
ownership and management have been too impatient or inept to
point the team in a consistent direction. They haven’t created
strengths to build on, so they haven’t prospered.
Most losing teams—in sports or business—don’t know who they are
or get away from what made them successful. When that occurs, any
kind of talent will do, but it usually doesn’t mesh into a coherent
3 / Talent: Get What You Need 53
whole. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a driver or a builder. Both
kinds of leaders make these mistakes and don’t engage people in a
consistent direction. Whatever talent these teams have usually dissipates
because people don’t pull together or build on each other.
SELECT FOR FIT
During the three years I worked on gathering data for Fortune’s
list of the 100 best companies to work for, we asked organizations
how they hired people. The top companies always told us selection
for fit with their values and beliefs was the most important criterion
they used. This meant looking at how new hires would fit in with
the company’s culture, people, and operating style, not just whether
they would get the job done. If someone didn’t fit with the team and
couldn’t do the job the way the organization wanted it done, he or
she wouldn’t be hired. This puts a premium on people’s values, enthusiasm,
teamwork abilities, and interpersonal skills.
What separated the best from the rest was how careful the best were in
selecting new employees for cultural fit. The best spent significantly
more time, money, and effort to pick the best employees who fit.
Other companies didn’t put the same resources into it or were content
just to find people who had the technical skills to do the job. An
amazing number of companies think fitting a person to the job requirements
is enough, but the best employers understand each hire
is a strategic move. Your work culture must sync with your strategy,
so your hires must fit your culture.
I see a few differences between builders and drivers in selecting
for fit. Some builders give people more latitude—both in whom
they select and in feeling they can persuade people to change and
fit. Phil Jackson and Dennis Green will do this. They succeed with
54 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
some people and not with others. Drivers tend to have very definitive
views of who they want—people who will follow their plans.
This often works right away, but drivers tend to not look as closely
at values and behaviors. This is one reason drivers often fail in the
long term. They’re also more likely to have less ambitious selection
criteria and a greater willingness to get rid of people who don’t
produce in the short term.
Should you pick people who only fit with your style? Absolutely
not. You need the complementary styles on your team to balance
things and build a winning chemistry. A team of only drivers
will fight each other over goals and who’s in charge. A team of only
builders will struggle over process and fall short on accountability.
I experienced this with an executive team I worked with in the
financial industry. It was all builders except for one driver whose
position was not in the core functions of the business so his influence
was limited. Most of the builders assumed that all employees
were good people, there to do right for the company and customers.
As a result, for a long time they resisted acting on a few really nasty
and selfish employees, people who disrupted the work in their departments,
complained all the time, and provided service based on
their moods, not the customers’ needs. This crummy behavior ruined
the morale of people around them and discouraged coworkers
who wanted to do well. Why bother to perform if leadership allowed
this to continue? Meanwhile, when confronted about this,
executives responded that coaching would correct the problem. Unfortunately,
they had let things slide for too long—the situation was
much too ugly for that. With a lot of education, we got the right
leaders to confront the disrupters with the choice to either change
or leave. The ensuing changes and departures raised the mood and
service throughout the whole company.
3 / Talent: Get What You Need 55
Should you pick people you like? Absolutely. There’s nothing
worse than having someone on your team you can’t stand. It raises
the tension level for you, the person you don’t like, and everyone
else on the team. If you don’t like a person, everyone will know it
and others probably won’t like him either. Dick Vermeil says that
the “l” in leadership is for likeability.6 You need to like the people
on your team.
Obviously it’s hard to care for someone you don’t like or to build
a positive relationship with that person. One caveat: don’t be narrow
in your tastes about people. That leads to discriminatory behavior.
Likeability doesn’t have anything to do with race, gender, religion,
or other background issues. If it does for you, get over it. Learn to
like a wide variety of people. You’ll become a better person.
The Oakland A’s have selection for fit figured out. The A’s never
have much money to spend. The team had the fifth lowest payroll
in the American League on opening day 2000, second lowest in baseball
in 2001, and third lowest in 2002. Still, they won the AL West
Division Championship in 2000 and made the playoffs in 2001 and
2002 by sticking to a formula for fit. The formula is based on general
manager Billy Beane’s belief, “You can get a good bat for 20 cents
on the dollar. Pitching’s going to cost you two dollars on the dollar.”
7 The A’s don’t have much money, so they spend it very wisely.
Beane and the A’s focus on young power hitting because it fits
their niche strategy. It’s cheap and this is the one thing they do best,
so they build on their strength. They also draft pitchers out of college,
who can become stars before they get too expensive. Here’s
their formula.
• No high-priced free agents
• Draft power hitters out of high school
56 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
• Teach hitters to take pitches and draw walks in the minor
leagues; rewards are given for players who walk a lot and
those who don’t are traded or released (walks are important
because they put people on base in front of the power hitters
and wear out opposing pitchers)
• Draft pitchers out of college because they’ll reach the big
leagues sooner
• Bring in a few low-priced veterans to act as “mentors” to the
young players
• Invest in a baseball academy in the Dominican Republic to
find cheap talent
• Fill in the gaps by trading for or signing unwanted players
and not surrendering much player value or money in return
Pat Gillick, general manager of the Mariners described Beane
and his formula this way: “He doesn’t detract from his game plan.
He has a certain profile of the player he’s looking for and certain parameters
he has to work under.”8
Beane and his assistants also are known to take risks and make
a big trade if they can. “They’re prepared,” Rockies general manager
Dan O’Dowd says. “They know what they want to do. They’re
not afraid to make a decision. If they really want to get something
done, they make it work.”9
If the A’s can hang onto enough good young pitchers before
they leave for more money in free agency, this approach has a
chance to take them all the way to the top. It should, at least, help
them be competitive and profitable most years against teams with
much greater resources. Like the A’s, you must have a detailed approach
3 / Talent: Get What You Need 57
to selection for fit. You have to articulate the characteristics you want
that go far beyond whether someone can do the job. They must include
personal characteristics that fit with what you believe and
how you do business. Then go after the best people you can. Successful
leaders and companies always spend more time and money
on the process of hiring the best. When talent determines whether
you win or lose, your return on investment goes up when you put
more effort into getting better people.
Even when money’s no object, smart teams look for fit. At the
end of every season, the Yankees evaluate their talent to decide
what free agents to pursue to contend for another World Championship.
“Whoever we bring in here will have to fit,” said general
manager Brian Cashman,10 who knows Joe Torre won’t accept it any
other way. Cashman learned this in 2000 when he acquired slugger
Jose Canseco for the pennant drive although Torre didn’t want him.
Torre ended up leaving Canseco off the postseason roster.
At the same time, in a free agent world, free agents get to choose too.
Mike Mussina had his pick of several teams to play for in 2001 and
expressed a desire to play in a smaller town closer to his home in
central Pennsylvania. One of the factors that helped him select the
Yankees was that Joe Torre called him right after the World Series to
tell him how much he wanted him on the team. Other Yankee players
called also to tell him he could live a quiet life in the suburbs,
much like he had in Baltimore. Mussina said this show of appreciation
made a huge difference in deciding where to sign.11
Fit also was crucial when all-pro quarterback Rich Gannon
signed with the Oakland Raiders. Gannon had played for the Raiders’
despised rivals, the Kansas City Chiefs, hated the Oakland
team, and thought it lacked discipline. But then-Raiders coach Jon
Gruden studied Gannon carefully and decided he was his man because
of his work ethic, intensity, abilities to run a complex offense,
58 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
and decision making on the field. Both are hard-driving people, so
Gruden thought they could be terrific together.
Gruden’s task was to convince Gannon he could help him bring
greater discipline to the Raiders. He appealed to Gannon’s work
ethic and businesslike approach to the game. At their first meeting,
they went out for a quick, cheap meal and headed right to Gruden’s
office to study film. Gannon said, “I knew right then [this was the
right place].” Gruden’s instincts were confirmed. “I felt we clicked
right away. I had never been around a guy so passionate about
playing.”12 Gannon led the Raiders to the AFC Championship game
in 2000, losing to the eventual Super Bowl champion Ravens. He led
them deep into the playoffs again in 2001, before losing to the soonto-
be-champion Patriots on a snowy night in Massachusetts.
Bill Walsh, who led the San Francisco 49ers to three Super Bowl
championships and then helped rebuild the team as general manager
ten years later, never abandoned his philosophy of how to
build great football teams. Like most professional football people,
Walsh knows a strong defense and solid running game form the
foundation to winning. What’s unique is his approach to talent.
Walsh feels offense can be taught, but defense comes from the genes.
According to Walsh, “The only way you can play defense is
with athletes. Offensively you can coach a system of football that
can be productive, but defensively you have to have players.”13 This
means using high draft choices or free agent dollars to get the best
athletes available for defense and using what’s left on offense.
The keys to good selection for fit are knowing what you’re looking for
and having an experienced, first-class hiring department. Brian Sabean
of the San Francisco Giants thinks the secret is knowledge. “Our
emphasis is on experience. In the front office, in scouting, and
player development, we have personnel with, on average, 20-plus
years in the game.”14
3 / Talent: Get What You Need 59
This is the same approach the Vikings took under Dennis Green
and continue under new coach Mike Tice, and they develop good
new players every year. Green loved offensive talent and for years
relied on a veteran group of five front office people who had been
together a long time—more than 90 years of experience with the
Vikings among them. Near the end of his Viking career, some people
said Green stopped listening to this group, and this contributed
to his downfall. All of these men survived Green’s departure; in
fact, many of them got bigger responsibilities.15
Perennial losers like the Cincinnati Bengals illustrate what happens
when you underinvest in selection. The team hasn’t made the playoffs
for more than ten years, the longest drought of any NFL team. Despite
the high draft picks the team gets almost every year, it hasn’t
had a winning record since 1990.
The Bengals have front office and scouting problems. Mike
Brown, the owner, is his own president and general manager. He refuses
to hire a personnel professional or give power over personnel
decisions to his coach. Most successful football teams take one of
those two approaches. He also employs one of the smallest scouting
staffs in the league, only five full-timers, when many teams have
twice that. Brown denies these are the reasons the Bengals are so
bad, but the abysmal record is there for everyone to see, especially
the deprived fans, many of whom wear bags over their heads at
games for fear they’ll be recognized. Some players criticize the team
so often Brown had to put a clause in contracts to prevent them
from slamming the Bengals in public.16
When companies ask me what is the most strategically important
people practice, I always answer “selection for fit.” If you get
that right, everything else about leading people to high performance
can fall into place. In particular, you’ll build the kind of culture
you want, and this will unleash your talent to achieve great things.
60 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
To do this well, you have to be very detailed about the types of people
you want to hire, particularly regarding values, attitudes, and
how they work together, and you have to overinvest in evaluating
people for hire and promotion. There’s no substitute for creating
deep expertise in selection.
FIT VERSUS TALENT
What happens when someone of great talent doesn’t fit within
your company? Sports teams, particularly in pro basketball, are
famous for chasing talent and not worrying about fit. Maybe it’s because
the teams are smaller, so coaches think they can make misfits
conform. However, because the team is smaller, every player has more
impact to help or hinder victory. Beware of this if you are leading a
small work group—one bad apple will ruin your whole bunch.
Leaders, both builders and drivers, often feel they can tame
anyone. This isn’t a difference of style, it’s the difference between a
big ego and a strong ego. Big egos often overestimate what they’re
capable of doing. Some of the merger mania in business comes from
executives believing they should be running bigger companies
while lacking the patience and discipline to grow them organically.
Big egos ignore or discount the substantial data that shows that
most mergers fail; big egos are sure they can make them work.
Sometimes taking on a questionable person works, but only with a lot
of help and great pain. Many times it’s a disaster. Phil Jackson took on
bad boy Dennis Rodman with the Bulls because he desperately
needed a rebounder. Rodman helped the Bulls win three NBA titles,
despite constant acting out. But Jackson wasn’t the only one trying to
contain Rodman. Michael Jordan laid down the law too, and he had a
big influence on Rodman who knew better than to mess with Michael.
3 / Talent: Get What You Need 61
It didn’t work out so well in Los Angeles for Jackson with J.R.
Rider. Jackson took on Rider, a notorious troublemaker for coaches
and teammates, because the Lakers needed another offensive
weapon. The coach figured he could tame him like he did Rodman.
However, Rider disrupted the team; Jackson called this “The Rider
Effect.”17 In L.A., neither Shaquille O’Neal nor Kobe Bryant were
mature enough to play the Jordan role with Rider. The best Jackson
could do was to bury Rider at the end of the bench so he wasn’t a
big distraction.
Maybe the longest ongoing feud in basketball is between
Philadelphia 76ers’ coach Larry Brown and his star, Allen Iverson.
Iverson doesn’t like Brown’s demands and every year Brown
threatens to quit or trade Iverson, one of the best players in the
NBA. For his part, Iverson said the one word he wanted on his
tombstone was “misunderstood,” because that’s how he feels about
the way Brown treats him.18
In this case, the rift healed during the 2000–2001 NBA season
because Brown, a demanding driver, learned to relax about Iverson’s
off-the-court behavior and offered more on-the-court praise.
Brown showed a versatility that wasn’t always there before. For his
part, Iverson matured and began to understand what Brown wanted.
Both sides changed to make it work, and it did. Brown and Iverson
combined to lead the Sixers to the NBA finals against the mighty
Lakers. Too bad the wound reopened during the next season.
When talent and fit clash, you have three choices. You can stick to
your system and get assistance from peer leadership to help the outlier
conform. This is rarely a complete success, but it can work if the
person genuinely wants to do well. Builders can make this work better
than drivers because they’re more likely to foster peer leadership.
Or you can get rid of the person because you think your team
will function better without him or her in the long term. This usu-
62 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
ally is referred to as “addition by subtraction.” Your team may actually
be less talented, but improvements in focus, teamwork, and
chemistry may overcome the loss. Drivers usually are more willing
to make this tough call sooner than builders.
Finally, you can relax your methods a bit and hope the person
will respond. For a driver, this is a sign of versatility and can lead you
to becoming more engaging. To do this, listen more carefully and
try to understand the person’s needs that he may not be communicating
to you, increase your praise to the person when he behaves
properly to shape him in the correct direction, and create a more
positive atmosphere. If you’re right about the person, this’ll work.
Be aware, however, that trying to reform a truly bad apple can be
dangerous. Letting up on your standards will cause chaos if the person
doesn’t come around. The others on your team will perceive that
your structure has broken down and some of them will act out too.
If this happens, you’re not a driver or builder who’s trying to be more
versatile, you’re just a leader with a big ego who made a mistake.
Obviously, all of these choices are high risk. Unless you’re dealing
with an extraordinary talent and have great support from the
person’s peers, you’re probably better off getting rid of the person.
How often do people mature when you need them to?
TALENT VERSUS GENIUS
Larry Brown agonized waiting for Allan Iverson to grow up
and lead, but he didn’t have much choice. Philadelphia didn’t have
a lot of other talent and had built the team around him. The Sixers
breakthrough performance in 2000–2001 probably came just in time
to save the team. Otherwise Brown, Iverson, or both would have
been gone.
3 / Talent: Get What You Need 63
The Lakers already had one star in O’Neal, but they put up with
Bryant’s egocentric behavior during 2000–2001 for a different reason.
Bryant showed flashes of real genius.
This is the one exception to the idea about getting rid of the person
who doesn’t fit. If the person is a real genius at what he or she
does, you have to work with the individual and wait for him or her
to mature. You’ll also have to change some of the ways you lead.
There isn’t much real genius in the world. If you’re lucky enough to encounter
it, let it flow. It will raise the standards you set for your team.
There’s an old saying, “Genius does what it must, talent does
what it can.” Could Bryant’s stubbornness be a sign of genius? Did
his rare gift force him to challenge O’Neal, or was it just ego?
On a small team it’s almost impossible to have two stars who
want to be “da man.” It’s totally impossible to have them fight with
each other or have one who won’t buy into the program. Horace
Grant played with Jordan and knew this. “You have to put your ego
aside. You can’t have two Batmans. You have to have one Batman
and one Robin.”19
If you’re fortunate enough to have a genius on your team, give
him or her as much freedom as you can. Jackson always treated Jordan
differently from the rest. Grant may have forgotten, but he didn’t
like it. Neither did some of the other Bulls, but they saw where Jordan
took them. Center Luc Longley said, “I made a career out of
backing MJ.”20 The one thing Jackson insisted on was that Jordan
learn to trust his teammates and get them involved so they wouldn’t
just sit back and watch Michael play. It took Jackson a long time to
get this point across to Michael, but he had to be patient. When the
lesson finally took, all of the Bulls players became better, and they
won six championships.
That’s the thing about geniuses; they lift everyone else around
them. Tiger Woods has required everyone else on the pro golf tour
64 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
to improve his game to keep up with him. Phil Mickelson, perhaps
the second best golfer in the world, said of Woods, “He seems to
create shots at very opportune times, which forces me to perform at
that same level or higher.”21 Vijay Singh, winner of two major championships,
went further. “I think a lot of guys are in awe of him, totally,
to the point that they might feel they’re five shots behind him
before the tournament even starts. The top guys seem to have more
trouble with him . . . they think if they don’t beat Tiger, it’s the end
of the world.”22
Doc Rivers, coach of the Orlando Magic saw the similarity of
Woods’s and Jordan’s impacts on their competition, “I look at Phil
Mickelson and David Duval, and that must be the way Karl Malone,
John Stockton, and Patrick Ewing felt throughout their careers.
Why did I have to be born now?”23
Fortunately for the rest of us, there aren’t many geniuses out
there. We don’t have to feel like we’re starting five shots behind.
However, you’ll end up way behind if you have a genius on your
team and don’t recognize it.
CHANGE YOUR TALENT OR
CHANGE TO YOUR TALENT?
When you don’t have the talent you need to play the way you
want, you have two choices. You can change your talent, or you can
adapt to what you have. An engaging leader takes the shortest path to
victory. If your talent is wrong or lacking, replace it or add to it. If
the talent is there, change your approach to mesh with it.
For several years, CDW Computer Centers has been recognized
as the best employer in Illinois. For years, like other best employers,
CDW relied on promotion from within. Our Hewitt studies showed
3 / Talent: Get What You Need 65
that most of the best employers are like Southwest Airlines. To
maintain its unique culture, Southwest rarely hired senior people
from the outside, always preferring to elevate internal candidates.
Founder Michael Krasny did the same in building the unique, dynamic
CDW culture—people grew with him as it became a $4 billion
enterprise. However, when Krasny was ready to step aside, he
knew he needed a different kind of leadership to nurture a more
mature organization through slower markets. He hired a chairman
and CEO from the outside. The new boss, John Edwardson, brought
in other new senior executives to deepen and diversify the executive
team, all the while hiring carefully for fit.
When Dick Vermeil took over the St. Louis Rams in 1997, he
knew he didn’t have enough good talent. “Only nine players from
the 1997 team I inherited were good enough to play on my 2000
Super Bowl Champions.”24 When Jim Haslett, another driver, became
coach of the New Orleans Saints, he also did a major makeover,
but he did it faster.
Haslett and general manager Randy Mueller took over the Saints
in 2000 following a 3–13 season in 1999 under Mike Ditka, who had
lost his passion for coaching. The Saints had only five winning seasons
in 34 years, but the Ditka years were especially painful because
of his larger-than-life reputation and the high expectations that accompanied
him to New Orleans.
Haslett and Mueller set out to change the entire chemistry of the
team. They kept its strength—many of the offensive and defensive
linemen—but picked up 31 new players through trades, free agent
signings, and the draft, despite not having a first or third round
draft pick. Mueller said, “We didn’t want people who were hindered
by the past failures of the Saints.”25
The team was plagued by injuries all season. It lost three starters
in its first preseason game alone. During the year, the Saints also
66 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
lost their starting quarterback, running back, and other key players.
Through it all, Haslett kept them together. He took an organized but
highly competitive approach to coaching. When a player went down,
Haslett just turned to the next one in line and told him to step it up.
Mueller thinks Haslett is one of a kind, “He just has an innate ability
of being able to kick the players in the butt and have them hugging
him five minutes later and playing their tails off for him.”26
The results were miraculous. The Saints went 11–5, won the
NFC Western Division title, and knocked off the Rams in the first
round of the playoffs. They also discovered a quarterback for the future
in Aaron Brooks. No one had heard of Brooks until he took
over with six games left in the season and led the team into the
playoffs. For his success, Haslett won coach of the year honors.
But Haslett, like a lot of drivers, had trouble sustaining his success.
In 2001, he “lost” his team and it collapsed during the last
stretch of the season. The Saints seemed to tune Haslett out after he
came down hard on one player with discipline problems but let another
one off easy. There were other locker room jealousies too. The
team stopped playing very hard and missed the playoffs, after being
in the running for the early part of the year. After the season, Mueller
and Haslett were at it again, making big changes in the roster and
coaching staff, adjusting the chemistry and talent levels. Ironically,
Mueller made so many changes so fast, the team owner fired him
for not keeping him informed of all the details.27
Brian Billick, another driver, took the opposite route. Billick was
the highly successful offensive coordinator of the Minnesota
Vikings when he was hired to lead the Baltimore Ravens in 1999.
His 1998 Vikings offense set a record for points scored. Many people
regard Billick as something of an offensive genius and a new age
thinker. Some others think of him as an egomaniac, a charge to
which Billick has pleaded guilty. Previously, he helped Bill Walsh
3 / Talent: Get What You Need 67
write a book on offense. Billick loves to use the computer to analyze
offenses and create new plays. He talks in computer-speak—so much
so that his players nicknamed him “Stat Boy.” Former Vikings receiver
Cris Carter, who played for Billick, said, “I’m kind of a computer
guy myself, so a lot of times I understand what he’s saying. I
speak Billick on occasion.”28
However, the Ravens team Billick inherited had a tremendous
defense and a woeful offense. Rather than a wholesale change of the
players on the team, Billick built on what he had. He tried to improve
the offense, going through a string of quarterbacks and drafting
a running back number one after the 1999 season, but this didn’t
help much. Mostly, he added to the defense that had been constructed
by his terrific defensive coordinator, Marvin Lewis.
The results were outstanding. Despite going five games in October
without scoring a touchdown, the Ravens went 15–4 and then
won the Super Bowl by shutting down other teams, kicking field
goals, and scoring on turnovers. The defense set a record for fewest
points allowed in a season, while the offense evolved into a unit
that scored just enough points to win while mostly trying to avoid
mistakes. “As long as we win, I’ll take it,” Billick said. “They’ve
pulled me over to the dark side.”29
In 2001, Billick’s Ravens stumbled. They made the playoffs but
didn’t get very far. Injuries and a bad decision to change quarterbacks
by Billick doomed them. Though the team still had a fearsome
defense, other teams figured out how to adjust and score on
the Ravens, and they encountered the usual problems repeating as
champions in the NFL.
They took different approaches, but both Billick and Haslett defined
what needed to be done and did it. They weren’t afraid to
change. Once they identified their strengths, they set their plans
accordingly and stuck with them, even when things weren’t going
68 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
well. The Saints’ injuries and the Ravens’ total inability to score
touchdowns didn’t stop them. They just kept going, playing to their
strengths. No twisting in the wind or pressing the panic button for
these two often-engaging drivers.
The lessons for you are clear. First, evaluate what you’ve got. If
it isn’t good enough to win, get rid of it. Know what you need and
go get it. Second, if your talent is strong, but it doesn’t fit your preferred
approach, be flexible. Change your ways. Talent is way too
valuable to waste because you’re stubborn.
The ranks of ex-coaches are full of people who believed in their
“system” but didn’t have the people who could execute it. His critics
in Boston said one of the reasons Rick Pitino failed with the
Celtics was because his coaching style that worked so well in college
didn’t graduate to the pro game. More skilled professional
players easily beat the full-court pressure, up-tempo transition, and
three-point shooting style of basketball that’s his trademark. Pitino
wouldn’t change, so he went back to coaching college basketball.30
TALENT + TOUGHNESS + TEAMWORK
= VICTORY
Winning takes talent and mental toughness. Vermeil, Haslett,
and Billick all brought a mental toughness to their teams that rubbed
off on the players and helped them win. Vermeil spent the first two
years with the Rams driving the players as hard as he could—extra
practices, grueling drills, and endless film sessions—until he could
establish the toughness he wanted in his players and see who could
handle it. Then he backed off some, knowing that you can’t start out
easy and get tougher, but you can start out tough and get easier. His players
asked for and appreciated it.
3 / Talent: Get What You Need 69
This is a vital lesson for drivers, who need to know when to
ease up, and builders, who need to know when to crack down, so
they can become more engaging and successful. Of course, learning
how and when to change your style is key. If you don’t do it right,
it can be your undoing. This is what happened to Haslett, a newer
head coach.
Mental toughness means you expect to win, believing you’re better,
stronger, and more resilient than your competitor. You know in
your heart you’ll find a way to win no matter the obstacles. Communicate
this attitude to your team.
Billick likes to talk tough to motivate his players. Before taking
his team into archrival Tennessee for a playoff game, he said,
“When you go into the lion’s den, you don’t tippy-toe in. You carry
a spear. You go in screaming like a banshee and say, ‘Where is the
son of a [gun]?’ If you go in any other way, you’re going to lose.”31
You may not put it in these terms, but you have to instill an expectation
of victory in people. People who think they’re going to lose,
probably will.
Arelated aspect of mental toughness is putting away your opponent—
closing the deal. Michael Jordan was the greatest “closer” in the history
of basketball. He wanted the ball in the last minutes so he
could take the last shots. He expected to come out on top and used
everything at his disposal to do so.
That’s another crucial lesson for leaders. You’ve got to have a
closer—someone you can turn to when the game or the deal is on
the line. You need your own Michael Jordan, an employee whose
mental attitude is so tough and his performance is so outstanding
that team members know he or she won’t let them lose. This might
be a project leader who always brings key initiatives in on time and
within budget, a department manager who always posts outstanding
results, a nurse who sets the tone in the ward and keeps things
70 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
cool under pressure, or a salesperson who can get the big account.
It’s your “go to” person. Acloser helps you instill toughness in your
team. He or she is a big part of the talent you need.
One of the quickest ways to build toughness in sports and business
is to form an “us against the world” mentality. Coaches do this
all the time—both drivers and builders. Dan Hampton, the hall of
fame defensive tackle of the 1985 Super Bowl Chicago Bears, called
it “sport’s oldest motivational tool.”32 No doubt Mike Ditka used it
all the time. Billy Martin, who managed several championship baseball
teams, relied on it wherever he went. Billick said he used it during
the Ravens’ 2000 championship run. He described it as “Going
against the odds. You have to take that mentality . . . it’s us against
the world, even if it’s fabricated a little bit.”33 Jackson used it in
Chicago, though over time the enemy went from being the Detroit
Pistons to the New York Knicks to the Bulls’ front office. That’s
when his reign ended.
There are two weaknesses with this approach that show up
much bigger in business than in sports. First, this is a short-term
way of doing things. It may last a season, but it won’t carry you for
the long run. It’s basically a “chip on the shoulder” attitude, born of
anger. After a while, particularly after some success, it’s hard to
maintain. Red Auerbach, former general manager and coach of the
Boston Celtics who won many times, said the hardest thing to do is
to win the second time. The players lose the hunger and they tune
out the forced anger. Billick found this out when the Ravens stumbled
the year after winning the Super Bowl. Maybe it’s why Billy
Martin kept changing teams. Business is all about long-run success,
so avoid this approach.
Second, though this is an easy way to build your team, it makes
it much harder to integrate your team with other teams in your company.
This leads to internal competition and destroys larger organ-
3 / Talent: Get What You Need 71
izations where processes have to flow across departments. If you
start with this approach, how do you change your message so your
team will cooperate with other groups whom you taught it to dislike?
One company I worked with had so much internal competition
it had to develop an evaluation criterion for its leaders that said
they could only speak well of other departments.
The right approach for the long term is to set your goal, establish a
framework of roles and responsibilities that complement each other, communicate
this structure clearly, and then address individual motivations.
Michael Jordan put it in these terms, “Talent wins games, but teamwork
and intelligence wins championships.”34
Joe Torre’s Yankees took this path. Yes, the team was blessed
with fabulous players, but not a single Yankee won the most valuable
player or Cy Young award in the team’s 1996, 1998, 1999, or
2000 title seasons. Instead, the team got contributions from everyone
on its roster, including players who were unknown outside of
New York, like Scott Brosius and Luis Sojo. Even star players put
the team goal of winning the World Series ahead of their own glory
and played whatever roles were asked of them. In particular, they
played some of the best team defense anyone had seen in baseball.
They knew their rewards would come with victory.
Along the way, Torre built an incredibly mentally tough team.
This showed itself in the 2001 playoffs and World Series. Down 2–0
in a five game series to the hottest team in baseball, the Oakland
A’s, Torre donned his “It ain’t over till it’s over” hat he got from
Yogi Berra and focused the Yanks on winning one game at a time.
They did. They beat Oakland three straight times, including twice
in Oakland, to win the series.35
Nobody needed toughness, teamwork, and intelligence more
than the Portland Trail Blazers in the 2000 NBAWestern Conference
finals. When they played the Lakers in game seven, the team that lost
72 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
would be done for the season. The Lakers had Kobe and Shaq, both
closers in their own ways, and Phil Jackson’s inside-out triangle offensive
system. The Blazers were a team full of great players, all playing
relatively equal roles. As good as they were, no one on the Blazers
really was used to carrying a team, of closing things in the last few
minutes, and they lacked a coherent way to play together. Their bestknown
player, Scottie Pippen, was voted one of the NBA’s top 50
players of all time, but he made his reputation as Jordan’s sidekick.
Portland built a huge second half lead and started the fourth
quarter ahead by 16 points. Then the Lakers turned up the pressure
and came after them. Nobody on Portland appeared to want the ball.
They kept passing up shots, waiting for their teammates to shoot.
Meanwhile Kobe and Shaq, with their supporting cast, stepped forward
and led a huge rally to win by five points and eliminate the
Blazers. It was the most dramatic comeback in NBA playoff history
and a great example of talent, toughness, and teamwork.
I ended the first two chapters with questions to help you discover
more about your leadership style and your employees. For
the rest of the book, I’ll give you some tips on how to become a
more engaging leader based on the topics in each chapter.
T H E H U D D L E
If you’re a builder:
• Recognize the strengths of your organization and spend your
time building on them. Address your weaknesses quickly if
they’re crippling your core operations. In particular, focus on
your value proposition and what kinds of people you should
hire to help you meet it.
3 / Talent: Get What You Need 73
• Hire people you like, and people who think like you about
your business. But remember to hire people with diverse
characteristics—don’t hire only other builders.
• Select people who not only have the technical skills for the job,
but also fit into your organization. Don’t give too much latitude
to people who don’t fit. When in doubt, throw them out.
• Don’t think you can change people. Be quicker to let go the
ones who don’t fit. You can more easily bring in new people
that fit than reform the current ones that don’t.
• Communicate more toughness and raise your standards, particularly
in the face of business challenges.
If you’re a driver:
• Recognize the strengths of your organization and spend your
time building on them. Don’t be stubborn about fixing weaknesses
unless they’re crippling. In particular, focus on your
value proposition and what kinds of people you should hire
to help you meet it.
• Hire people you like, and people who think like you about
your business. But remember to hire people with diverse
characteristics—don’t hire only other drivers.
• Select people who not only have the technical skills for the
job, but also fit into your organization. Be sure to look at their
values and behaviors—how they get results—not only at
their ability to deliver results.
• Recognize when you have to change your approach to match
your people. Don’t be too quick to judge or get rid of team
74 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
members. Develop some peer leaders to help you bring people
together.
• Communicate high standards and mental toughness but
know when to back off and relax a little.
3 / Talent: Get What You Need 75
76 E N G A G I N G L E A D E R S W I N
4
77
C H A P T E R F O U R
TALENT
Develop and Diversify
“There’s no I in team, but there is in win.”
—Michael Jordan1
THE RETURN OF THE INDIVIDUAL
Former baseball manager Billy Martin said he had one set of
rules, but he applied them 25 different ways. This was his way of
recognizing and respecting each player as an individual. Billy understood
this because he was an eccentric individual himself. Billy
Martin was ahead of his time.
When I did MBA recruiting at Hewitt Associates, the audience
always started the question-and-answer part of the meeting with
the same two questions: What are you going to do to develop me?
and What do you do about work-life balance? Development and balance
are on people’s minds today—not just on the minds of MBA students.
National surveys tell us these two concerns are foremost for
all employees.
Rather than answer myself, I asked each individual on our recruiting
team to talk about his or her own situation. This was much
more powerful than reciting our policies or rattling off facts and figures.
The audience could hear how others felt about how they were
developing at the firm and understand that each individual was
free to work out his or her own accommodations within the needs
of our business.
Then, typically, I would get a third question: “How do you
show that you value diversity?” This was something we were trying
to improve as a management team, so I took this issue myself.
Hewitt did a good job on development and balance, but we fell
short on diversity. Our hearts were in the right place, but we had
trouble implementing plans and needed to get much better. But we
didn’t work hard at any of these things to be nice. We did them to
get and keep the talent that was the life source of our company.
These issues engage people. To become an engaging leader, you have to
pay attention to development, balance, and diversity.
When people ask you about these things, they’re really questioning
whether and how you’re going to help them build their
skills and live their lives. They want you to do this in ways that
show you’ll recognize, reward, and respect them as individuals. In
essence, they are asking, “Are you going to value and help me grow
as a unique individual, or do you want me to be like everyone
else?” If you want them to be like everyone else, you won’t attract
much talent when skilled people are in short supply.
Some leaders, both drivers and builders, preach teamwork
above everything else, but it’s hitting the right blend between teamwork
and individualism that counts now. Increasingly, this favors
the individual. Talent becomes more mobile every year, and teams
aren’t free agents; individuals are.
Brian Billick’s players felt he let them be themselves on the road
to the Super Bowl. Then Ravens’ defensive end Rob Burnett said,
“He doesn’t want a team made from cookie-cutters, he wants us all
78 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
to be individuals.”2 This led to a lot of barking and bragging on the
way to winning the big game. The media criticized Billick and the
team for it, but they didn’t care. Popularity with sportswriters wasn’t
going to help them win.
Providing strong development opportunities enables you to get
and keep talent while you’re building the workforce skills you need.
Ensuring people can have balanced lives will help you get the most
out of people because they’ll appreciate what you’re doing for them.
They’ll stay for the long run. Valuing diversity means you’ll get the
broadest array of talent possible and be better able to serve a wide
range of customers. Addressing all three issues—development, balance,
and diversity—with total zeal will help you build your dynasty.
BUILD A DYNASTY
You create a dynasty by building leadership and talent year after year
to keep winning. Becoming a dynasty should be your long-term goal.
There have been a few dynasties in pro sports—the Montreal Canadiens,
Celtics, Lakers, Bulls, Green Bay Packers, Dallas Cowboys,
Pittsburgh Steelers, 49ers, and the greatest dynasty of all, the Yankees.
It’s become much harder to win consistently in recent years
with free agency. That’s why the Yankees’ record over the last several
years is so remarkable.
Business dynasties have had it easier until recently. When loyalty
reigned and there were more people than jobs, people stayed
with their companies. Continuity of talented people could contribute
to keeping you on top because those people knew how to
get things done in your company and how to serve your customers.
You also could grow your leaders from within, and that encouraged
people about their own opportunities.
4 / Talent: Develop and Diversify 79
That has changed. Even the best companies now turn over the
equivalent of their entire workforces every five or six years. CEO
turnover among the largest U.S. companies runs about 20 to 25 percent
per year, with about 15 percent of the new leaders coming from
outside the company.3
Yet the formula for building dynasties is pretty clear for both
sports and business. Start by creating a strong foundation of talent from
within. In business, this occurs through good selection and development.
In sports, it’s the same, selecting through good drafting and
developing through the farm system and other ways. Grow these
people and evaluate which ones are the keepers. Get rid of the rest,
then fill in your gaps with free agents. That’s how the Yankees, Braves,
Packers, Lakers, and other teams that win year after year do it.
Hockey is full of free agents who jump teams every year, but the
teams closest to dynasties now are the Colorado Avalanche and the
New Jersey Devils. They take pride in homegrown talent, with a
few key free agents added as needed. From 1995 to 2002, Colorado
won eight straight division titles and two Stanley Cups. The Devils
won four division titles and two Cups. They played each other for
the 2001 Stanley Cup, with Colorado winning. The Avs had 11 draft
picks on the 2001 championship team that beat the Devils, who
played with nine draft picks. In the 2002 playoffs, they each lost to
a team that made it to the finals, including the champion Red
Wings.
Lou Lamoriello, the Devils’ general manager, says the key to
success is developing a philosophy for drafting talent. His view of
selecting young players starts with the heart. “There’s such a thing
as a Devils’ player. He can be of any style, but he has to have something
here [in his heart] that we can’t teach. The core of the players
and veterans will not accept anything other than the best out of each
other.”4 Then the Devils trade as needed to bring in new players.
80 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
The other two strategies—only grow from within or buy all
your talent—aren’t viable for most companies, though a few very
special places, like Southwest Airlines and Harley Davidson, appear
to grow almost everybody. You probably can’t grow fast
enough if you only make all your own talent, nor can you compete
continually with organizations that are able to bring in key free
agents. Some of your young talent just won’t develop or stay with
you. Eventually, you’ll have a skill gap you can’t fill from inside and
another company will pass you by. The more highly skilled jobs you
have, the truer this is.
On the other hand, if you continually go to the outside for most
of your talent, you rarely get the chemistry, trust, and communication
you need. I once consulted to an oil company that was unusual
in the industry because it was made up largely of executives from
the outside. One vice president said to me, “We’ve got great people,
but we’ve got no culture.” This prevented them from sharing knowledge
because there wasn’t enough commonality among the people,
their values, and the ways they were used to doing business.
As Seattle pitcher Norm Charlton said, “The one thing about
signing free agents is you never know what you’re going to get, attitudewise.”
5 When a majority of key people are outsiders, they
may look out for themselves more than for your goals. Enron had a
huge number of outsiders. We’ve seen this in recent years with
teams like the Boston Red Sox, Los Angeles Dodgers, and Texas
Rangers. They spend a fortune but keep turning over players and
rarely win. Wholesale changes only work when there’s a disaster.
The crucial skill that makes or breaks your opportunity to create a dynasty
is your ability to evaluate talent. You must know whom to select
and develop and whom to avoid or let go. Evaluation of people is
the toughest thing a leader does; it’s the hardest skill to master. It’s
particularly difficult when you have good relationships with your
4 / Talent: Develop and Diversify 81
people. Still, engaging leaders have to do it. This is the same philosophy
Jack Welch used at General Electric where he insisted on
rigorous performance evaluation, including generously rewarding
the top 20 percent of performers and firing the bottom 10 percent
every year.
Dick Vermeil says honesty is the key to good evaluation, “If you’re
always honest with them [the players], and you have the right communications
system going, they understand because you’ve never
misled them. They always know the bottom line is the bottom line.”6
You also have to be honest with yourself. Lamoriello says you
have to admit your mistakes in selection and do it quickly. You can’t
wait several years to see if someone will make it. “When we make
a mistake, we hold our hand up. The bottom line is to get the best
players out there to play. If they’re not, move on. As soon as you
know they’re not, get rid of them before somebody else finds out
they’re not.”7
Drivers and builders bring different strengths to these issues.
Builders are oriented toward developing people for long-term success,
which is a characteristic of a dynasty. In fact, I think builders
often follow the old Chinese proverb for dynasty creation.
If you want 1 year of prosperity, grow grain.
If you want 10 years of prosperity, grow trees.
If you want 100 years of prosperity, grow people.
Drivers will make a tough call on talent and performance
sooner, which is necessary to weed out poor performers. They’ll
turn people over faster. This means they often hire more experienced
people. GE and PepsiCo, companies built on a hard-driving
model, traditionally hire and fire more senior people than many
other companies.
82 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
Still, to build a dynasty that engages people for sustained success,
you need to both develop and evaluate.
THE DEVELOPMENT MANDATE
If you’re going to build a dynasty, you have no choice but to start by
growing as much talent as you can. That’s your mandate for development.
Today, more than ever, your highly skilled employees demand
it. In fact, if you don’t focus on the individual development
needs of your high-flying young talents, you shouldn’t even bother
to recruit them. They’ll leave in a few years.
In a recent survey of high-potential gen X managers and executives
at global companies, a majority of people said they had no developmental
contracts or plans. Almost half said their companies
invested little or nothing in their personal development. As a result,
40 percent said they planned on leaving within two years.8 Those
companies are wasting that talent.
That’s another thing I found when I helped collect data for Fortune’s
100 best places to work list. Great employers offered more
hours of training to their employees every year. They offered more
approaches to growing people so development plans could be as
unique as the people pursuing them. They also put a heavy emphasis
on promotion from within. These companies retained their
talent much better than others who didn’t emphasize development
as heavily.
Again, the Super Bowl champion Ravens prove the point. Nine
of the 11 players they’ve drafted in the first two rounds since 1995
were starters. It’s only when you need to do a complete makeover,
like the New Orleans Saints, that you should put free agents and
newcomers above development.
4 / Talent: Develop and Diversify 83
What happens if you don’t develop people? You don’t win.
Four of the worst teams in baseball in 2002 were the Milwaukee
Brewers, Chicago Cubs, Tampa Bay Devil Rays and Baltimore Orioles.
None of these teams had all-star players on their rosters whom
they drafted and developed. Meanwhile, five of the Yankees’ six allstars
were homegrown talents.
You also need to know whom to develop. While great employers
offer a large menu of learning opportunities to everyone, smart
leaders pick out their best and brightest to help them grow into future
leaders. They determine who should receive special and accelerated
opportunities. They know everyone can be taught leadership
but not everyone can learn it. Focus significant time and attention
on those with the most potential. Above all, let them know you’re
doing it. This will increase their motivation to stay. People want to
feel special.
A really interesting story is happening in basketball with the
Los Angeles Clippers, of all teams. The Clippers may be the most
pathetic franchise in the history of the NBA. In 18 seasons in Los
Angeles, the team has had one winning record. It never seemed to
have a plan, careening from building with youth to chasing free
agents or trading for veterans of questionable talent. The only constant
in the team’s strategy was doing things cheaply. Because it always
lost, it always had high draft choices. But with the lack of
direction, terrible records, constant turnover of coaches, and an
owner who wouldn’t pay to keep them, young stars couldn’t wait
to get away as soon as they could.
Then, after the 1999–2000 season, buoyed by a new arena, the
team made an all-out commitment to building with youth. It made
deals to acquire two additional first round draft choices to add to
the one it already had. One of the deals also brought a 1999 first
rounder from another team. This enabled it to add four great young
84 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
players to some skilled, high draft choices from the prior years. All
of a sudden, the Clippers had some great young talent.
Just as important as acquiring the talent was the selection of
players and the team’s commitment to their development. Three of
the newcomers—Quentin Richardson, Corey Maggette and Darius
Miles—were high school friends from Illinois. These three knew
they could rely on each other to make the transition to pro basketball.
They each brought family members out to live with them to be
their support systems.9 The teammates and their families socialized
together to keep from being homesick. The team also brought in a
new coach, Alvin Gentry, who had a reputation as a teacher and a
builder, and he supplemented his staff with other coaches who
could teach. Finally, the team sprinkled in a few veterans to help
show the younger players how to manage in the NBA.
The first year results were great. The Clippers won more games
midway through the 2000–2001 season than they had in any of their
three previous seasons. Attendance at games was way up, and they
were finally able to beat their crosstown rivals, the Lakers, once in
a while.
With the core in place, the Clippers switched to phase two: trading
for some young, but more experienced players. Their big deal before
the 2001–2002 season was to get Elton Brand, a two-year veteran with
real leadership abilities. They acquired Brand from the Bulls for a
draft pick, instead of using the pick to choose another high school
player or someone with only a year of college. Brand is a role model
of steadiness and strong work ethic, as well as a talented player who
made the all-star team. The Clippers still had a losing record in 2001–
2002, but won more games than it had in years, almost making the
playoffs. Of course, the real payoff will come only if the Clippers
keep these players together for the long term. If the team is willing
to spend the money to do that, it could end its long-running misery.
4 / Talent: Develop and Diversify 85
Pick the right people and have plans and support mechanisms
in place to develop them. Tailor development strategies and tactics
to each individual. Identify what people need to learn to perform at
higher levels, put them in positions where they can succeed if they
stretch, and then push them hard to develop them. Kraft Foods calls
this “leaning into people.” It’s part of their developmental philosophy,
and it has created more talent for itself and more CEOs for
other companies than any other organization I can think of, with the
possible exception of GE, which is several times larger. When you
develop people and reward their successes the right ways, you can
lean into them all the way to the top.
CLOSE YOUR GAPS
With a solid core of skilled talent, you can fill in your talent gaps with
free agents. Before you do this, be certain that there are no internal
candidates. Then go outside for what you need.
With this kind of hiring, it’s critical to do two things. First, make
sure the person fits your hiring profile, especially matching your
values and beliefs. This likely will take a long interviewing process,
much more exhaustive than you might be used to doing. Next, communicate
to your existing staff why it is important to go outside.
Your people will want to know this isn’t a change from your primary
emphasis on growing from within and there still will be opportunities
available for them. When CDW went outside for its new
leader, it had to tell people why—in this case the heir apparents
weren’t quite ready—and reaffirm its belief in developing from
within.
In business, you have to buy what you don’t have, but in sports
you can fill in your gaps with free agents or trades. Developing a
86 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
core of good young talent is even more valuable because it saves
you money. This brings us back to evaluating talent. Brian Sabean
knows this. “The real key is to decide the right guys to trade. You
want to hold on to the golden nuggets.”10
The Yankees are the masters at this. The widespread perception
is they built their championship teams by buying free agents. In reality,
the core of the talent is homegrown—Bernie Williams, Derek
Jeter, Andy Pettite, Romero Mendoza, Mariano Rivera, and Jorge
Posada—or acquired in trades for other players, like Roger Clemons,
Chuck Knoblauch, and Paul O’Neill. In mid-summer 2000, the Yankees
traded prospects to acquire David Justice, Denny Neagle, and
Glenallen Hill for the stretch run. In 2001 and 2002, they traded
prospects for pitchers.
One reason people believe the Yankees rely so much on free
agents is that most of the prospects they trade don’t develop. In
essence, it seems like they get something for nothing. They often do,
but it’s not from just buying talent. More importantly, they get rid
of people who aren’t going to be very good before the other teams
find out—just what Lamoriello said. New York lets very few good
players get away; Jay Buhner of Seattle and Eric Milton and Christian
Guzman of Minnesota come to mind as the only players who
left the Yankees through trades and became stars. Ted Lilly may
be another.
More often you have to give talent to get talent. The St. Louis
Cardinals’ trade of a top prospect led to success in their 2000 season
and beyond. They knew they had a very good team, but identified
a gap in outfield defense and hitting. The team traded away a great
infield prospect, Adam Kennedy, and a veteran pitcher to get Jim
Edmonds from the Anaheim Angels. Kennedy became a very special
player for the Angels, and Edmonds was terrific for St. Louis in
2000. He was the Cards’ most valuable player, hitting .295 with 42
4 / Talent: Develop and Diversify 87
home runs and 108 runs batted in, and playing superb centerfield.
He even hit the home run that beat Atlanta in the first round of the
NL playoffs. He had great seasons in 2001 and 2002 also. The Cardinals’
surplus of young talent made this possible.
Here’s where business has an advantage over sports. You don’t
have to give up talent to get more. Just keep adding to what you have.
In sports, it’s possible to have too many players fighting for the same
position. But engaging business leaders know they can never have
enough talent because expanding talent pools will expand their
companies. Meanwhile, all the other rules of building dynasties are
the same. Select the right people for the right reasons, evaluate your
talent honestly, invest in developing people, and fill in your gaps
with experienced hires that fit. This is your recipe for success.
DIFFERENT STROKES
As an engaging leader, you face a paradox. People are more
self-reliant these days and more skeptical of organizations, withholding
loyalty because they don’t believe it will be returned. At the
same time, you need more from your people, and they need more
from you. You demand more hours and results. They need more resources
from you to help manage their lives, families, even their
pets. A recent survey of American workers reported that 88 percent
said the struggle to balance their work and personal lives was their
biggest issue.11 Because every person’s situation is different, you
can’t have a “one size fits all” answer. You have to tailor your responses
to each person.
That’s why issues about balance and diversity are merging. A
few smart companies have recognized this, but most haven’t, though
they must. Balance and diversity are both about respecting individuals.
88 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
Moreover, taking an integrated view of balance and diversity
pays off in retaining talent. For example, research done by Professor
George Dreher of Indiana University shows that companies that
offer more work-life benefits are better able to keep and grow female
middle managers and senior executives. These family-friendly
employers create programs and policies that enable women to juggle
their careers and roles as mothers.12
In general, this is one place where builders have an advantage
over drivers. Their greater tolerance for individual differences
makes them naturally more comfortable with these issues. However,
drivers can stand out as versatile and engaging leaders by embracing
balance and diversity. They can bring their tremendous
energy to these areas and really make a difference for their people.
Regardless of style, your challenge is to celebrate all your people for the
different gifts they bring—no matter where they came from or how they
got there—and help them use their gifts to advance your goals. This is a
huge test, but it’s how you engage people for high performance. It
took Larry Brown years, yet he finally passed it.
Brown, coach of the Philadelphia 76ers, and his star, Allen Iverson,
battled for years because of their differences. Brown’s a highly
driven member of the Ike generation—placing team and duty first.
Iverson is a poster child for gen X in the NBA. Self and personal
experience come first. Their feud even led to threats of trading Iverson,
a ridiculous idea because the team was built around him.
According to Brown, “I’ve always felt that in his own way,
Allen was trying to win games. My issues have been off the court.”
For his part, Iverson pointed out, “When I first came into the
league, everybody saw the talent God gave me and wanted to make
me a guy who was 35 years old. Nobody ever gave me room for
mistakes.”13
4 / Talent: Develop and Diversify 89
Iverson played brilliantly in 2000–2001, leading the Sixers to the
NBA finals and winning the MVP award, amazing for one of the
shortest players in the league. But he and Brown fought for most of
the first half of the season. Brown even took a short break away
from the team due to the stress. Iverson made headlines with his
troubles. He released a rap album with lyrics offensive to women
and gay people, swore at a fan in the stands, and showed up late for
practices early in the year. Finally, he and Brown reached a truce. It
occurred when Brown started listening to Iverson and gave him the
freedom and praise he needed, and Iverson told Brown he wanted
to have a strong relationship with him. As Brown said, “I still don’t
like his music or the way he dresses, but Allen has a lot of good in
him, and I’m finding it out every single day.”14
To engage a wide spectrum of people, you have to learn the
same lessons Larry Brown did. Focus on the performance that
comes from diverse people, not their differences. Create more opportunities
for understanding and valuing the unique qualities of
people different from you.
MORE DIVERSITY MEANS MORE TALENT
September 10, 2000, was something of a red-letter day for diversity
in sports.
• There were 14 NFL games. The starting quarterbacks in those
games included nine African-Americans, one Hispanic, and
one Jew.
• Ablack woman, Venus Williams, and a 20-year-old Russian
male, Marat Safin, won the U.S. Open in tennis.
90 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
• Tiger Woods, a self-described “Caublinasian” (reflecting his
diverse ethnic background), defeated New Zealander Grant
Waite to win the Canadian Open.
• Sammy Sosa, from the Dominican Republic, hit his major
league leading 48th home run. Of course the Cubs lost to
Houston because the Astos’ Richard Hidalgo, from Venezuela,
hit two home runs.
• Randy Johnson, a six-foot-eight-inch left-handed pitcher with
hair hanging over his shoulders, struck out 14 batters to become
the 12th pitcher in history to reach 3,000 strikeouts.
• Two older (by football standards) white males, Al Del Greco
of the Tennessee Titans and Jason Hansen of the Detroit
Lions, kicked last-second field goals to win games.
You’ll find more talent and get better results when you look for it
among people with diverse backgrounds, interests, and appearances. The
broader you search, the more talent you’re likely to find. Once you
recognize this, you can learn to love the differences among people.
When people see this from you, they’ll feel engaged by it. They’ll
want to stay and perform for you.
Searching far and wide for talent and accepting differences is
happening with much greater frequency on the field in sports. The
NHL used to be about 95 percent Canadian and 5 percent American.
Now it’s 50 percent Canadian, 33 percent European, and 17
percent American. Without European talent, the league could not
have expanded throughout North America.
Foreign born and educated players have become the rage in
basketball too, a game invented in America. The 2002 rookie of the
year, Pau Gasol, is from Spain. The number one draft pick in 2002
4 / Talent: Develop and Diversify 91
was Yao Ming, a seven-foot-six-inch center from China, and two of
the other top seven picks were foreign born. Three Europeans play
extensive minutes for one of the best teams in the league, the Sacramento
Kings.
Even baseball, our national pastime, gets about 25 percent of its
players from outside the United States. Baseball’s sensation in 2001
was Ichiro Suzuki of the Seattle Mariners, the AL Rookie of the Year
and the first Japanese position player to star right away in major
league baseball. As my younger son said, “You know you’re big
when everyone knows you by your first name.” Everybody associated
with baseball learned who Ichiro is.
Ichiro was a seven-time batting champion in Japan who was
extensively scouted and courted by the M’s. The team had to pay
Ichiro’s Japanese team millions just to negotiate a contract with
him, even before he signed. But what an investment! In his first year
in the major leagues, he helped lead the M’s to the division title and
the record-tying 116-win season. He won the batting title, hitting
.350, and had 242 hits, the most in 71 years. He hit .600 in Seattle’s
playoff victory against Cleveland and played the best right field in
the American League, winning the gold glove. He had another allstar
season in 2002.
Talent is everywhere; you just have to take the risks to find it.
Kurt Warner, who quarterbacked the Rams to the Super Bowl championship,
played at a small college, bounced around the Arena
Football League and NFL Europe, and was making his living as a
grocery store clerk when he got a tryout with the Rams. After he
emerged as a starter and led them to victory, he signed a long-term
contract for more than $40 million.
The New York Giants made it to Super Bowl XXXV because
they took a risk on Kerry Collins. Collins was a number one choice
92 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
at the start of his career and had early success with the Carolina
Panthers, but in his third year he created a number of problems. He
drank heavily and made a racial joke that outraged his black teammates.
His coach released him the next year after he thought Collins
quit on the team.
Collins tried again for a short while with New Orleans, but he
was still drinking. Mike Ditka cut him, and Collins was lost. The
NFL ordered him to get treatment for alcoholism and it turned his
life around. The next season the Giants signed him to a contract.
Wisely, the team brought him along slowly, alternating him with another
quarterback while he put his life back together. He emerged
during the 2000 season to have one of the most productive seasons
of any QB in Giants’ history.
Even the last on-the-field taboo, the black quarterback, has been
broken, but only in recent years. After decades of converting talented
black college quarterbacks, like Tony Dungy and Marlin
Briscoe, to defensive backs and wide receivers, teams have learned
that black QBs win games. Until the late 1990s, only Doug Williams,
James Harris, and a few others were allowed to play the glamour
position. Warren Moon refused to play defense, so he had to go to
Canada and establish his reputation as a QB there first.
In fact, most of the nine black QBs who started on September 10,
2000 were drafted in 1998 or 1999. Only a few played in the league
before then. What caused the change?
The answer’s simple. Just like in business, competition in the
NFL is more intense. Coaches lose their jobs faster if they don’t win.
As a result, they’ve become color blind, choosing the best player instead
of letting skin color and ignorance get in the way. Frank
Gilliam, the now retired Vikings’ vice president of player personnel
said it best, “As the emphasis gets more on winning, guys start los-
4 / Talent: Develop and Diversify 93
ing all these biases they had about quarterbacks. Coaches want to
win, so they get whoever can win for them.”15 Five of the 12 teams
that made the NFL playoffs in 2000 started black QBs.
ON-THE-FIELD, OFF-THE-FIELD
There is a glaring contrast between the on-the-field search for
talent that now covers the world and the off-the-field talent hunt for
management positions that barely gets beyond white owners’ comfort
levels. Not only is it racist, it hinders performance. Limiting the
talent pool limits your opportunities for high performance. Maybe that
explains why there’s so much turnover among coaches and managers.
Maybe it also helps to explain why there’s so much turnover
among CEOs.
Among the major team sports, the NBA has done the best job of
promoting diversity. Of course, it has the highest concentration of
black players. At the start of the 2002–2003 season, 13 of the 29
teams had black coaches and several African-Americans worked as
executives in the front offices.
Baseball talks a good game about increasing diversity, including
starting an equal opportunity committee of owners, but has shown
only a little progress. Seven minority managers started the 2002 season—
six blacks and one Hispanic. Three more Hispanic managers
were hired during the season. This is the most ever, but not nearly
enough, given the makeup of the players. And at the end of the season,
it appeared that things were slipping back. A few of the minorities
were fired and according to Felipe Alou, who had managed the
Expos successfully during the 1990s, opportunities were fading. Alou
said, “That’s the new trend, to have white and young managers.
Blacks and Latinos won’t have many opportunities from now on.”16
94 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
Ironically, Alou was hired to manage the Giants shortly after
making the statement. Still, he was correct. Ten new managers were
hired after the 2002 season. Only Alou and Dusty Baker, who
changed teams, were people of color.
Among the 30 teams, only the White Sox and the Expos had minority
general managers in 2002. These were only the third and
fourth in major league history. The Sox and Expos also are the first
and only teams with minority general managers and field managers
at the same time. At the start of 2002, only one woman was president
of a baseball team, Wendy Selig-Prieb of the Brewers, and she got her
job the old-fashioned way. Her dad, Bud, gave it to her when he became
full-time commissioner. At the end of another disastrous Brewers
season in 2002, she kicked herself upstairs to be chairman and
gave the presidency to the first minority team president in baseball.
Most embarrassing is pro football. In 2002, approximately 70
percent of the players were black. Yet among the 32 teams, only two
blacks were head coaches, Herman Edwards and Tony Dungy. October
9, 2000, when Dennis Green’s Vikings played Dungy’s Bucs,
was the first time in league history when the opposing coaches and
quarterbacks both were black. There is one black person running a
team’s front office, Ozzie Newsome of the Ravens.
At the end of the 2000 season, nine head coaching jobs were
open. The men who had been acting as interim coaches filled two
of the jobs. There were three black co-coordinators, the step below
head coach, who were outstanding candidates for the seven other
jobs. But only one, Herman Edwards, was hired. Several Buffalo
Bills players endorsed defensive co-coordinator Ted Cottrell for
head coach, but he was passed over for a white assistant from another
team. Marvin Lewis built the defense that won the Super
Bowl, but he didn’t get a head coaching job either. In fact, he only
got one preliminary interview, also with Buffalo.
4 / Talent: Develop and Diversify 95
After the last vacancy was filled, the press offered its usual outcries
and the league gave its customary, lame excuses. Lewis, like
Dungy years before him, was accused of not interviewing well. But
the opinions of Green and Dungy were clear—race was the issue.
Speaking of Lewis, Dungy said, “You would have thought more
than one team out of nine would say that here’s a guy that should
at least be talked to. And you can only beg the question in your own
mind: If he were white, would it have been one out of nine? I don’t
think so.”17
I don’t think so either. If you’re going to engage people, you
have to engage everyone. In fact, in September 2002, attorney Johnnie
Cochran filed a report and threatened a lawsuit against the NFL
asserting bias in hiring. Cochran produced statistics showing that
black head coaches had been very successful when given the opportunity.
He alleged that black coaching candidates were being
held to a “higher standard” for getting jobs.18
The NFL said it was trying to do better, but actions always
speak louder than words. The NFL’s response was just like a recent
study of large businesses by executive search firm Korn Ferry.
Korn Ferry found that while 75 percent of a broad sample of corporate
executives believed their own organizations were effective in
achieving diversity, less than half of the minority professionals who
worked at these companies agreed.19 The employees wanted to see
real results.
The more diverse the talent pool, the more skills become available.
Research shows companies with a higher percentage of women
and minorities in leadership positions have better business results.
More diverse people lead to more diverse thought, and this means
greater innovation and more receptivity to a bigger group of customers.
What business wouldn’t benefit from that?
96 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
LIVES IN THE BALANCE
Sports careers don’t last that long, and they often involve a lot
of change—from team to team, position to position, player to assistant
coach or broadcaster, assistant coach or broadcaster to head
coach, and so on. Rarely does anyone stay with one team, play the
same position their whole career, and then retire. This is another
reason pro sports are a good metaphor for our economy. Employees
rarely come to you expecting, or even wanting, to stay their whole
careers. You may not want them to either.
The concept of working 30 years for the same company without
a break has faded away. Companies killed that, so people now want
to reinvent themselves and their careers at various times. At the
very least, they want to have periods where they work hard, then
take a break to do something else—spend more time with family,
travel, etc.—before resuming their previous pace. Careers aren’t linear
in time or direction anymore. They’re much more likely to be a series
of experiences and events.
To retain skilled people who look at their careers this way, enable
them to have a wide variety of experiences while working for
you. You can’t horde talent to try to keep it in one place doing one
thing. You need to let people try out new jobs and career paths, special
assignments, new locations, flex time, telecommuting, sabbaticals,
compressed work weeks, and other alternatives to traditional
careers if that’s what they want. This builds their loyalty because
they get the variety they want by staying with you.
You may think it’s just younger people who see their careers
this way, but it’s not. Ron Schuler was general manager of the White
Sox for ten years. At the end of the 2000 season, at age 52, he decided
to step down and return to scouting and consulting for the
4 / Talent: Develop and Diversify 97
team. Schuler had just remarried and wanted to cut back on his time
commitment and job stress to spend more time with his new wife.
Will Clark saw his career rejuvenate in 2000. In mid-season, the
first baseman was traded to the Cardinals to replace the injured
Mark McGwire. Clark exceeded all expectations, hitting .345 with
12 home runs and 45 RBIs. But after the season, Clark, 36, surprised
everyone by announcing he would retire. Clark said, “I can still hit,
I can still play, I can still field my position. The first part of my life
was based on being a baseball player. The second part of my life is
going to be based on being a daddy and a husband.”20
Lou Piniella is one of the very best managers in baseball. His
ten-year run as manager of the Seattle Mariners brought the team
back from mediocrity and financial crisis to become one of the
model franchises in the sport. Yet at age 59, after another winning
season, he left Seattle with a year on his contract to manage closer
to his home in Florida. Piniella explained, ‘’It’s just too far to be in
Seattle. It’s a burden on me, on my family. It’s just too far from
home.’’21
Golfers Jasper Parnevik, Phil Mickelson, Juli Inkster, and Bruce
Lietzke lead by example in this search for balance. Parnevik declined
to defend his Bob Hope Classic golf championship in 2001
because his wife was expecting their fourth child. No one could remember
a defending champ turning down a tournament for this
reason. The Parneviks had a baby boy on the Friday of the Classic.
Later that year, Phil Mickelson did much the same thing. He turned
down an opportunity to defend his PGA Tour Championship title
to stay at home with his brand new daughter. “I’d love to play,” he
said at the time. “It’s a very special tournament and having won last
year, it’s a tournament I’d love to defend. But right now, the time
I’m spending with my family is the most important thing to me,
and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”22
98 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
Juli Inkster was Tiger Woods long before Woods. She was the
first person to win three straight U.S. amateur titles, ten years before
Woods did it. She won two major tournaments in her first year
on the LPGA tour and has won seven majors overall. She is the only
female golfer of the modern era to win the career grand slam.
Yet according to Ty Votaw, LPGA Tour Commissioner, you can
divide Inkster’s career into three periods. “There’s Juli before kids,
Juli just after her kids were born, and Juli now.”23
Juli was a dominant player before kids. She won 15 titles in the
1980s. Her daughters were born in 1990 and 1994, and from 1990 to
1996 Inkster won only twice. She stopped practicing because she
had trouble balancing involved mothering with playing championship
golf. Inkster said, “I struggled with it. My mom was a stayat-
home mom.”
In 1996, Inkster decided to either play well again or give up
golf. She realized that she still could practice a few hours a day and
be a good mother. “I finally told myself, ‘The kids are loved. They’re
getting a lot of support.’ Once I came to terms with it, I started to
put more time into my golf.”
Inkster played well again in 1997 and 1998. In 1999 she broke
through winning two majors to complete the grand slam and became
the LPGA player of the year. She won the women’s U.S. Open again
in 2002. Inkster’s children and their nanny travel with her during
the summer, and she plays in fewer tournaments to have more time
with family. She takes time off during the winter to be at home and
coach her daughters’ school teams and turns down appearances that
require too much travel. She even carries drawings by her daughters
in her golf bag. Now she has struck the right balance and her
daughters appreciate that she is one of the best golfers in the world.
Bruce Lietzke carried this even further when he was on the
PGA tour. Lietzke began his pro career in 1982 and earned more
4 / Talent: Develop and Diversify 99
than $6 million before hitting the senior tour late in 2001. But from
1995 through 2001, he didn’t play in more than 16 events per year,
usually playing only nine or ten. Instead of playing, he spent his
time with his wife and children, taking family trips and coaching
the kids’ sports teams. He coached and caddied for his teenage son,
a good junior golfer, more than he played himself. He played much
more in 2002 on the senior tour as his son hit college age.
Lietzke also doesn’t spend time practicing. He thinks it just
screws up his game. Prior to a tournament, he plays a practice
round or two, just to learn the course and get loose. Lietzke prefers
to stay mentally fresh by not playing and relies on muscle memory
to keep his swing the same as it has been for years. His wife, Rosemarie,
loves their lifestyle and having her husband home rather
away playing and earning more money. “What would we spend it
on?” she asks.24
If your employees had Inkster’s and Lietzke’s resources, they
would opt for more balance too. Maybe they can’t afford to work
part-time or have a nanny so their children can travel with them for
work, but they would if they could. They can’t, so you need to help
them expand their options for their careers and find the balance
between work and home life if you want to engage them. Their
choices have to make sense for your business, but many leaders
go much further now than they thought they could, even a few
years ago.
One company that leads the way in helping balancing lives is
S.C. Johnson, makers of Johnson Wax, Pledge, Ziploc bags, and
other familiar household products. Johnson has shaped its culture
around the concept of balance, offering employees a wide range of
choices for how they work and support for their families. Johnson’s
programs include summer hours (Friday afternoons off), an onsite
childcare center and other parent support services, a concierge ser-
100 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
vice to help employees handle personal errands, and “no-meeting
Fridays” to help employees get more focused work done. These programs
pay for themselves because Johnson’s annual turnover, including
retirements, averages less than 7 percent. Most of the impetus
for Johnson’s programs comes from the employees themselves—the
company runs several highly efficient electronic opinion surveys at
any one time to find out what people need and want.25
Still, I know a lot of companies with good policies and programs
that have leaders who don’t believe in them. These leaders believe
“face time” is more important than flex time. They don’t balance
their own lives and send the message to others that they’re not hard
working or loyal enough if they do. Talented employees resent
working for people like this—they hate the loss of control over their
work lives.
The more flexible you are about how people do their jobs, the
more respect you show for them as individuals. Respect for the individual
is what engages and retains people today.
T H E H U D D L E
If you’re a builder:
• Create a development philosophy supported by a set of definable
processes and specific plans for each person. Hold
yourself accountable for implementing these plans and
measure the most important outcomes, like the number of
people you prepare for bigger jobs or the number of people
who get promoted. Work to increase your numbers.
• Make your calls on whom to develop sooner. Don’t wait for
people to emerge if they are taking too long. Also recognize
4 / Talent: Develop and Diversify 101
that not everyone can be developed to much larger responsibilities.
Be realistic about who gets developed for what.
• Cut your losses quickly when you see someone isn’t going to
make it.
• Regard diversity as a business issue, not as “nice to have” or
something that is socially desirable. Measure your progress
in diversity, looking at the most important outcomes.
• Insist on business reasons for establishing ways to support
work-life balance. “Good for business and good for people”
should be the justification for everything you do toward creating
more balance.
If you’re a driver:
• Understand the need to invest in development to achieve the
long-term results you want. Don’t immediately cut investments
in development when business slows.
• Create a development philosophy supported by a set of definable
processes and specific plans for each person. Hold
yourself accountable for implementing these plans and measure
the most important outcomes, like the number of people
you prepare for bigger jobs or the number of people who get
promoted. Work to increase your numbers.
• Focus more on the long-term potential of people. Take a little
more time to watch it emerge and to help it grow. Don’t be
afraid to give people a second chance.
• Appreciate that results are blind to color, gender, and demographics.
Reach out to a broader group of people who want
102 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
to pursue your business path regardless of where they started.
Bend a little to make them feel valued and celebrate their
differences.
• Create a business case and philosophy about work-life balance.
Don’t just give it “lip service”; apply it and live by it.
Make sure others know you think it’s important—particularly
your star employees.
4 / Talent: Develop and Diversify 103
104 E N G A G I N G L E A D E R S W I N
5
105
C H A P T E R F I V E
GOALS
Winning Is the Only Thing
“If you’re keeping score, win.”
—Red Auerbach, former Boston Celtics coach and general manager1
ENGAGING WHAT’S REAL
Every company creates a strategy for getting ahead and a business
model for enacting that strategy. Obviously, these are essential
and if you get your strategy or business approach wrong, you can
be in all sorts of trouble. The question for engaging leaders is how
much will either of these inspire your employees toward outstanding
performance.
You need to remember that for most employees, including some
people very high in your organization, your strategy and business
model are pretty abstract. These won’t matter much to them, unless
you can translate them into something real. People are far more
concerned with their day-to-day activities. To engage people, you
have to address them on a concrete level. Otherwise, you won’t get
through. They have too many other things on their minds.
Engaging people about what you want to achieve as a business
and how you want to do it—getting them excited about getting it
done—requires you to create three things: focus, BHAGs, and risk.
These will strike people as real and tangible if you do them right.
They can grab people, get them to pay attention, and turn up their
energy level for you. They will help your employees understand
clearly what you want and what they need to do to help you get
there.
FOCUS: AIM HIGH AND KEEP IT SIMPLE
The most engaging leaders and companies have a single-minded focus
on what they want to do to win—that’s all there is to it. Nothing else
matters and they don’t let things get in the way. Focus is a direction
that people really understand, remember, and follow every day.
Sometimes companies call it their mission; sometimes they call it
their vision. They might even call it something else. It doesn’t matter.
What’s essential is that the phrase describes in just a few words
how you’ll achieve greatness through what you’re selling or making,
who you’re selling it to, and what they’ll get from it. Employees
know they’ll win if they stay focused.
Coca-Cola wants to refresh people around the world—everywhere,
any time, every day—with its beverages. That sets a platform
for worldwide excellence in beverage taste and distribution,
along with local marketing built on the notion of enjoyment—quite
a lot to convey in just a few words. At Hewitt, we talked about
“helping companies and employees succeed together.” That meant
we tried to provide outstanding service and do things that increased
business results and made things better for people. Microsoft says
it’s about empowering people through great software—any time,
106 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
any place, and on any device. This is directing Softies to move beyond
the PC and develop software for all manners of devices and
the Internet.
The words or phrases companies use may be renewed every few
years, but the basic purpose and direction of a great company rarely
changes, despite new products and improved business models. The
best organizations, the ones that have enduring success, don’t really
change their focus—Microsoft’s always been about software even
when it only wrote it for PCs. In fact, frequent changes in purpose
or direction usually mean you don’t have one.
Brian Cashman, general manager of the Yankees, says that after
every season the management team sets as its focus winning next
year’s World Series. Then they evaluate the roster and make the
changes they need to do it. That’s the team they try to bring into
spring training. As the season progresses, they’ll make other changes
to keep advancing to their goal.2
What else could be so powerful and so simple? There’s nothing
ambiguous about it and nothing to cloud the Yankees’ vision. This
isn’t a new attitude. In 1955, legendary Yankees manager Casey
Stengel said, “That’s a lot of bunk about them five-year building
plans. Look at us. We build and win at the same time.”3
Compare that to other teams—like the Brewers and Pirates in
baseball, Cavaliers and Warriors in basketball, or Cardinals and
Bengals in football. Every year these teams tell their fans they’re rebuilding
to become competitive. Notice they rarely get there?
Now at this point you may be saying, “Sure the Yankees are
great, but it’s because they spend more money than anyone else.”
True they spend more, but spending it wisely is what counts. Smart
leadership, including a strong farm system and great trades, has been
the big factor in the Yankees’ success. Though the Yankees have
signed a big name free agent almost every year for the last several
5 / Goals: Winning Is the Only Thing 107
years, they’ve spent most of their money to keep the players they’ve
developed.
Meanwhile, the Dodgers and Red Sox, who annually are among
the top five payrolls in baseball—some years spending nearly as
much as the Yankees—haven’t made the playoffs much recently. Conversely,
the Giants, Athletics, and White Sox made the 2000 baseball
playoffs with below-average payrolls. In 2001, the Astros and Athletics
(again) got there without being in the top half of the teams in
player salaries. The Athletics (for a third time) and the Twins did it
in 2002. The Giants and Angels played in the World Series in 2002
with the 10th and 15th biggest payrolls, respectively. In 2000, the
Washington Redskins had the highest payroll in National Football
League history and couldn’t make the playoffs. The Portland Trail
Blazers had the highest payroll in NBA history in 2000–2001, staggered
through the season, and were eliminated in the first round.
By itself, spending doesn’t guarantee anything. You have to
spend smartly. If you don’t, it’s easy to spend your way into a disaster.
If you aim high, you may pay high, but you don’t have to be
the money leader. The St. Louis Rams, Baltimore Ravens, and New
England Patriots won the last three Super Bowls without having the
highest payrolls.
Instead, engaging people to win requires you to develop a singleminded,
passionate focus on winning. Some might call this a culture
of winning. If you’re the Yankees, it’s referred to as your mystique.
Whatever you call it, it’s a belief system you instill in your people
that winning is what you’re about; it’s what matters. Help people
learn winning is your fundamental value.
To do this, try to distill the key points of your strategy or business
model into a few simple, concrete ideas that are easy to communicate
to employees. Better yet, do it in a few key words. If you can’t
do this, things may be too complicated for other crucial audiences—
108 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
like customers or shareholders—to understand as well. To help companies
with this, I usually ask clients, “What can customers get from
you that they can’t get anywhere else?” This is your competitive advantage.
Unfortunately, it is a surprisingly difficult question for business
leaders to answer. But if you can’t answer it, how are you going
to win in the marketplace? The answer becomes your rallying cry.
To be an engaging leader, talk about winning in these terms all
the time. Help people understand what winning in your world
means, what it looks like, what it feels like, and how you’ll know
when you get there. Talk about it in exciting, upbeat terms. Don’t
discuss losing. If you’re in a rough spot, acknowledge where you
are currently—that’s reality. Keep your attention and your people’s
attention straight ahead on winning. Use slogans, symbols, or signs,
if they mean something. Also let people know what’s in for them as
they win. Finally, refuse to accept anything less than ultimate victory,
although along the way take small wins and build them into
bigger ones. If some employees can’t understand that, help them
understand or get rid of them.
I know this sounds too simple and unsophisticated, like too
much sloganeering. But the most successful leaders I know work
this way. The others get too bogged down in complexity. You don’t
have the luxury of sports with its ready measures of wins and
losses, but you need to avoid the quicksand of trying to do and
measure too much. If you try to drag people into that trap, they
won’t follow you.
BHAGS: THE VALUE OF BIG GOALS
Once you’ve defined winning for your team, then cast it in terms
of how you’ll measure it and what level of success you demand.
5 / Goals: Winning Is the Only Thing 109
This should be your big, hairy, audacious goal (BHAG) that will take
you to the top. Jim Collins described BHAGs in his book Built to
Last4 as the way visionary companies became and remained successful.
I think it’s a key way that engaging leaders “think group.”
Setting the big goal gives you something to inspire people with and
to execute against.
Winning starts with a BHAG: to be the biggest, to have the highest
quality, to be number one in your market, to win the championship,
however you define coming out on top. But make sure your
BHAG is in sync with your competitive differentiation. Wal-Mart’s
everyday low pricing makes sense for its BHAG of becoming the
biggest merchant in the world. It wouldn’t make sense if Wal-Mart
tried to offer the best service. For one thing, there aren’t enough people
to hire to supply that service. For another, Wal-Mart would have
to raise prices to pay for more help, and this would price it out of some
people’s reach. If you want to be large, you have to be low cost.
Make your BHAG simple so people can understand it, very ambitious
so they have to stretch hard to reach it, and keep it to one thing. Then
align all your resources, tools, and systems so you get it. Research
is very clear that if you focus on just one goal, you’re more likely to
hit it than if you dilute your attention. Don’t make it impossible to
accomplish or you won’t be able to enlist your people. But “close to
impossible” is probably where you should aim, as long as you’re
100 percent committed. As a friend of mine says, “If you strive for
perfection, you’ll get excellence.”
Setting a BHAG is crucial because it enables you to engage people
three ways. First, a BHAG inspires passion in your people. Quality
comes from passion—greatness comes from quality. Modest goals
don’t turn on anybody. Andy MacPhail, president of the Cubs, has
said on different occasions, “We’re committed to being competitive.”
5 How passionate is that? Not very passionate because the
110 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
team is almost never any good. You energize people by getting them
to dream about becoming the best and convincing them you’re ready
to help them get there. Intensely passionate people win. A BHAG
will fire up your people.
The second purpose for setting a BHAG is to provide meaning to
your people and situation. No one wants to work or play for no
good reason—it deadens the spirit and the soul. Have you ever sat
in the stands late in the baseball season with your team hopelessly
out of the running? Usually, it’s as quiet as a mausoleum. The few
die-hard fans there are more interested in whether their faces show
up on the Jumbotron or who wins the electronic M&Ms race rather
than how the team is doing. The players aren’t thinking about winning.
They’re just thinking about adding to their individual statistics
or playing for a job for next year.
The pride that comes from winning, from being the best, provides
meaning all by itself. Setting your BHAG on winning will engage
people by giving them the pride, meaning, and identity they
seek. According to Philadelphia Flyers’ head coach Ken Hitchcock,
who led the National Hockey League’s Dallas Stars to the Stanley
Cup, “Any time you step on the ice, your team needs to have an
identity, and that identity should be to want to win.”6
Third, a BHAG enables you to be an inspirational leader. It will
give you something to talk to your employees about that will feed
their aspirations for greatness. It doesn’t matter how charismatic
you are. The BHAG will help you fuel your employees’ drive and
help you be more inspiring.
The 1997 and 1999 Ryder Cups, the biennial competition in
which the best golfers from the United States play the best golfers
from Europe, exhibit this. The 1997 event was held at Valderrama in
Spain. The captain of the Europeans was Seve Ballesteros, the dashing,
driving hero of Spanish golf.
5 / Goals: Winning Is the Only Thing 111
Seve’s play and personality are the personification of charisma.
Notoriously wild off the tee, Seve was known for his amazing ability
to scramble his way to winning. His extraordinary save shots
from trees, roughs, and bunkers, while smiling all the time, captured
people’s affection and made him tremendously popular all
over the world. Ballesteros was intent on becoming the first European
ever to both play on and captain a winning Ryder Cup team,
and he wanted to do it on his native soil. This was his BHAG.
By all accounts, the Americans had the better team; they were
the 2-to-1 betting favorites. But Ballesteros would not let his team
lose. He zipped all over the course in his golf cart with his walkietalkie,
coaching his players constantly, picking them up when they
needed it, and calming them down when they were too emotional.
He also used his star players in more matches, while the American
captain, Tom Kite, used his players more equally throughout the
tournament. He was the embodiment of the engaging leader.
The newspaper and magazine stories later said that Seve had
“willed” his team to victory. That was the view of the American
players too. Tom Lehman, one of the few Americans who played
well during the 1997 Cup said, “I’m still totally convinced we have
the 12 best players. Today [singles matches] proved that. But put
their guys together, and they have magic at their fingertips. The
sum is greater than their parts.”7 A huge part of the magic was
Ballesteros’s zealous leadership.
The Americans wanted revenge in 1999 in Boston. This time
their captain was Ben Crenshaw, a marked contrast from Ballesteros.
Crenshaw was nicknamed Gentle Ben by the press, a quiet
Texan who showed his emotions only at particular times. His game
also was different than that of Ballesteros—very businesslike, with
a deft putting touch. Before the competition, golf commentators
worried that Crenshaw was too low-key to bring home the Cup.
112 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
Instead, he turned out to be a great example of a builder who became
more engaging.
As in 1997, Crenshaw put a great team together, but the first
two days were a disaster. The Americans were down 10–6, facing
almost certain defeat. Winning required them to take 81/2 points of
a possible 12 on Sunday to capture the Cup.
On Saturday night, Crenshaw called his team together and gave
them a stirring speech about their destiny, his belief in their abilities,
and his confidence that it was their fate to win, despite the
odds. This was his intervention—his passion in the heat of battle.
He later recounted his remarks to the press, “I’m going to leave y’all
with one thought. I’m a big believer in fate. I have a good feeling
about this.”8
Then he sent his six best players out first and they swamped the
Europeans. The U.S. team won back the Cup, 141/2 to 131/2. With his
BHAG in sight, Gentle Ben was able to inspire his troops to overcome
a huge obstacle and beat the Europeans.
Golfers are the ultimate free agents. They earn only as they win,
and the more they win, the more they earn. They decide how many
and in which tournaments to play, at whatever level they compete.
Only rarely do they compete on teams, like in the Ryder and President’s
Cups. Typically, they are on their own. But these free agents
responded powerfully to BHAGs. Imagine what BHAGs can do to
engage your employees.
ENEMIES OF BIG GOALS
Big goals are audacious. They take courage to set and pursue.
Many times the forces of mediocrity will pressure you to stay away
from them. But to engage people, you have to overcome these
5 / Goals: Winning Is the Only Thing 113
forces. Caution is the biggest obstacle to BHAGs. It takes courage
and self-confidence to fight the fear that predominates in too many
business organizations. Passion breeds courage and self-confidence.
That’s why it’s an essential characteristic of an engaging leader.
There are two other enemies of BHAGs worth discussing so you
can avoid them: mixed messages and lack of vision.
Mixed Messages
Mixed messages occur when you say one thing and do another. People
won’t believe your goals if you surround them with mixed messages.
The 2000 Chicago Bears sent out a ton of mixed messages.
In 1999, the Bears drafted quarterback Cade McNown in the first
round and signed him to an expensive contract. McNown played
sporadically that year, showing flashes of excellent play, amid plenty
of rookie mistakes. McNown also showed a difficult personality for
someone who needed to become the team’s on-the-field leader. He
missed part of training camp while holding out for more money, so
he fell behind in learning the offense while the team waited for him.
When things went wrong, he tended to blame his teammates rather
than take responsibility himself. He often veered from the offensive
plan to try to make something spectacular happen, throwing off the
precision the Bears were trying to achieve in their passing game.
Other players appreciated his competitiveness, but didn’t see enough
of the collaboration needed among football teammates. He also
didn’t form many close ties with his offensive mates, often skipping
the dinners they had together once a week. The result was this supposed
leader didn’t earn the trust of his fellow Bears.
When McNown wasn’t playing, Jim Miller and Shane Matthews,
two experienced, journeymen quarterbacks, ran the team. Matthews
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did an adequate job and was much more disciplined than McNown.
Miller, however, excelled. He gave the Bears the leadership they
needed and a big arm to throw the ball downfield. The team really
responded during the games in which he played. Unfortunately,
just as Miller was asserting himself, he tested positive for steroids
from an over-the-counter vitamin supplement he was taking. He
claimed he didn’t know steroids were in the product but took responsibility
and sat out the last four games of the season.
When training camp for the 2000 season came, the Bears’
coaches made two things clear. McNown, not Miller, would be the
quarterback, and they thought McNown gave them the best chance
to win. This was a mixed message because the Bears’ players knew
better. They thought Miller was their key to victory. As one Bears
veteran said, “As crazy as it sounds, we think we can win a Super
Bowl with Jim Miller.”9 If the coaches had said McNown was going
to play so he could develop and become a star in the long term, that
would have been a clear direction. But to position McNown as the
starter and say this was the way to win was confusing at best and a
lie at worst.
The 2000 season bore this out. McNown was lousy and led the
team to a dismal record of one win and seven losses in the first half
of the season. Then he went down with an injury. Miller started the
ninth game against a tough Indianapolis team and led the Bears to
an upset victory. Most of the players were quick to credit Miller for
the spark and confidence he gave them. But Jim Miller is just an unlucky
guy. He was injured for the season in the following game
against Buffalo. The team beat Tampa Bay in its next game on a cold
day in Chicago with Matthews at QB. After that game, McNown
was healthy and the team vacillated between him and Matthews.
The Bears drifted the rest of the season.
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Some of the problems may have come from a string of injuries
to a team that wasn’t deep with talent, despite the fifth highest payroll
in the NFL. But another problem may have been the comments
Bears Coach Dick Jauron made on his radio show after Miller took
over. In response to a question, Jauron insisted there had been open
competition for the starting QB job in training camp before the 2000
season. Yet the team and the fans in Chicago had seen a different
picture. Jauron’s comments were the talk of the city’s sports world
for a while, including the players on his team, and his credibility
was shot.
Mixed messages will blow your credibility. When that happens, your
integrity as a leader is gone. All you can do is start over.
In 2001, Jauron had to start over rebuilding credibility with his
players. He managed to do it and was helped when the team hired
a strong new general manager who got rid of McNown and several
other nonperforming players prior to the season. But Jauron created
several other problems. He picked Matthews over Miller to start the
season because Matthews was less likely to make mistakes, even
though the team clearly showed more life with Miller. He also kept
some very talented rookies on the bench.
As it turned out, some of the players Jauron wanted to start got
injured or didn’t perform well in early games. Miller took over at
quarterback when Matthews went down and immediately sparked
the team to several wins in a row and a few talented rookies were
pressed into playing, even though Jauron didn’t like how they performed
in practice. It seemed as if the right people got to play,
regardless of the coach’s decision.
Jauron showed why his style is almost “pure” builder. He’s extraordinarily
patient, often sticking to his plan, like with McNown,
regardless of the results. He’s very cautious and quiet, slow to tackle
problems, and appears to wait for problems to solve themselves.
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Still, he’s very dedicated to his players and assistants, treats them
very consistently, and they like him. This helped him rebuild trust
in 2001. Then, finally, he demonstrated some versatility. He flashed
some anger at the team during halftime of a game against Minnesota
early in 2001, and it woke them up. The Bears went on a winning
streak and had their best season in many years.
Lack of Vision
Lack of vision is the other enemy of big goals. Big goals come
from vision. Lack of vision is related to lack of courage, but it’s also
different. Vision enables you to see the future so you can form a big
goal. Courage helps you state it publicly and stick to it. Without vision,
you will be unable to create big goals.
Some leaders look to the future and form vision statements instead
of big goals. Personally, I think big goals have more impact on
employees than vision statements. I’ve consulted with several successful
companies that didn’t have vision statements per se, but instead
had BHAGs. The BHAGs were more short term and less lofty
than vision statements, but they energized and mobilized people.
The BHAGs also were more concrete and simple than the vision
statements companies usually write, so engaging leaders could use
them to greater effect in directing people. Finally, the BHAGs were
easier to stick to because they were less complicated and more
action-oriented.
When you lack the vision and courage to form big goals and stick with
them, you often end up with band-aid approaches to problems. You think
a little fix here and a little fix there will make you well, when radical
surgery is needed. If you were intent on pursuing a big goal, you
clearly would see the need for major surgery.
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You can look at any perennial loser and see this pattern. We can
go back to the Cubs for a perfect example. When Andy McPhail
came to Chicago to run the team, he set a big goal of rebuilding the
team for the long run by creating a great farm system and developing
terrific young talent. But McPhail and general manager Ed
Lynch continuously traded away good young players for veterans
with limited talents whom they thought could help in the short
term. They couldn’t resist the temptation of a quick fix. Promising
youngsters like Doug Glanville and Jon Garland left for little in return.
Even after Lynch left, the pattern continued.
This created big holes in the lineup. So every year the team
bought a few veteran free agents to plug the holes. Typically, these
weren’t the best players at their positions, because the best players
don’t want to play for a loser, and like most losers, the Cubs found
reasons not to pursue the best, even though they spent a lot of
money. Usually, the club hung on to one or two promising rookies,
but because the rookies weren’t in an atmosphere of excellence,
they didn’t learn how to win. The easiest way to learn to win is to
imitate successful people who live in a culture of winning. The team
told its fans it was on the road to success with each of its moves, but
it didn’t happen. The Cubs lost 94 or more games four times between
1997 and 2002. Patchwork is never enough. Band-aids don’t
cure big illnesses.
The Cubs have followed this pattern so long it’s their accepted
way of operating. Cubs fans no longer expect to win; they just go to
Wrigley Field to have a good time at the beautiful, old ballpark.
Everyone else knows it too. Pat Gillick, the highly successful general
manager of teams in Toronto, Baltimore, and Seattle interviewed
for the Cubs general manager’s job in 1987. He opted out of
the process saying, “I didn’t think the Cubs wanted to win. That’s
part of the marketing plan. Some of the mystique of the Cubs is
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ineptitude. If they win, there might be an expectation level to win
again.”10
Other long-time losers in business and sports act just like the
Cubs. They lack the vision and courage to see that commitment to
a BHAG of excellence, supported by major changes in the way they
operate, is necessary to break the cycle of losing. On the other hand,
you can turn around your team pretty quickly if you set a BHAG
and move fast. Especially today, when you can get new talent, communicate
new directions, and develop new processes in shorter
cycles, it’s possible to accelerate change if you commit to breakthrough.
Every year a few companies rise to the top after being on
death watch just a few years earlier.
Take a cue from Jack Nicklaus if you want to be an engaging
leader—believe it, and then do it. Success will follow. Nicklaus once
listed his ten tips for outstanding putting. Then he added an 11th:
No matter how impossible the putt, if you believe you’re going to
make it, you probably will.11 That’s setting a BHAG, casting aside
your doubts, and doing what it takes to win.
RISK: DO IT BIG, DO IT ALL, DO IT FAST
When Mickey Mantle died, Sports Illustrated wrote a great tribute
to him. One of the memorable lines in the story was, “The world
will always belong to those who swing from the heels.”12
Hitting your big goal of winning almost always requires taking
major risk, swinging from the heels like Mickey did. How big the
risk depends on how far you are from your goal. Usually you’re further
than you think.
The New Jersey Devils were, arguably, the best team in the National
Hockey League late into the 1999–2000 season. The Devils led
5 / Goals: Winning Is the Only Thing 119
the Eastern Conference and were first in the league in points (a team
gets two points for a win and one for a tie) when the team went into
a brief slump. Players started showing some bad habits under coach
Robbie Ftorek, playing more like individuals than a team. General
manager Lou Lamoriello sensed trouble and an early exit from the
playoffs if things continued this way. He saw that the team was further
from the Stanley Cup than anyone else thought.
What did Lou do? He swung from his heels and fired Ftorek
with eight games left to go in the regular season. Lamoriello replaced
him with assistant Larry Robinson, who didn’t want to be head
coach. Robinson had been there and done that in Los Angeles, and
was fired for his efforts. He had been known as a very tough player,
but some saw him as a soft, “player’s” coach. Yet the hard-driving
Lamoriello has a reputation as a terrific judge of talent. He believed
Robinson could be an engaging leader who could bring the discipline
and “team first” ethic the Devils needed.
For his part, Robinson redefined the team, got them playing together,
and led them to a Stanley Cup victory over Dallas in a classic,
defense-oriented series. Why did he make such a risky move?
Lamoriello explained, “Good is not good enough, when better is
expected.”13
The impatient Lamoriello struck again in 2001 when the Devils
struggled. He replaced Robinson, with a hardcore driver, Kevin
Constantine, who coaches much like Ftorek does. Constantine got the
team playing better, and later in the season the Devils even brought
back Robinson as an assistant coach. When the Devils didn’t get to
the Stanley Cup final, Lou fired Constantine and brought in Pat
Burns, a three-time NHL coach of the year.
Actually, this pattern of alternating drivers and builders repeats
itself frequently in sports and business. People hiring leaders often
replace a person with someone who has complementary strengths
120 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
and style. They just keep switching to try new leaders until one fits.
Instead, they should look at how versatile and engaging the new
leader is, rather than the style of leadership.
When Dick Vermeil coached the St. Louis Rams, he took a huge
risk to win Super Bowl XXXIV. Getting the ball back with the game
tied 16–16 and 2:05 remaining in the fourth quarter, Vermeil knew
all his team had to do was to move down the field slowly, kill the
clock, and kick a field goal to win. His entire coaching experience
told him this was the right thing to do. Still, all season long, the Rams
won by throwing the ball deep, trusting offensive coordinator Mike
Martz’s wide-open attack. On first down, Martz called a long sideline
pass. Vermeil, a notorious driver, sure of his ways, hesitated.
But then, as hard as it is for a driver to delegate and give up control,
he went with Martz’s play. Quarterback Kurt Warner hit wide receiver
Isaac Bruce for a 73-yard touchdown and a 23–16 lead.
The size of Vermeil’s risk became evident as the Tennessee
Titans got the ball and drove down the field against the Rams. Tennessee
quarterback Steve McNair led the Titans almost all the way
to a touchdown. Only a last second tackle by the Rams’ Michael
Jones at the 1-yard line stopped the Titans short of scoring and winning.
Later, Vermeil replayed his agony over trying for the big play
with that much time left. He concluded that because he had relied
on Martz all season, he couldn’t justify abandoning him at the big
moment.14
RISK REQUIRES ANTICIPATION, INNOVATION,
AND SACRIFICE
Like Lamoriello and Vermeil, successful leaders, whether drivers
or builders, take risks. Sometimes risk is just about business.
5 / Goals: Winning Is the Only Thing 121
Sometimes it’s personal, and when it is, it usually involves stepping
beyond your style. The payoff is you become more versatile and
engaging by doing so. Drivers do it when they give up control;
builders do it when they grab more of it.
Many of your best employees are risk takers. That’s one of the reasons
they’re your best. They respond well when you get out of your
comfort zone and show the determination and courage necessary to
win by taking the right risks.
Successful risk taking demands several things. First, it requires
anticipation. You have to be able to look ahead and see where things
are likely to go, and then move quickly to get there first. Lamoriello
anticipated problems for the Devils in the playoffs when teamwork
and defense become keys to victory. Devils’ defenseman Ken
Daneyko said Robinson’s hiring was a necessary move. “We were
probably headed for another early exit. But when they brought Larry
in, guys started pulling together instead of pulling apart.”15 Much
of that was attributed to Robinson’s calm, disciplined style that
earned the respect of the players.
Risk means innovation, like Vermeil and Martz’s offense. You
have to try new things. No team had ever spread the field more or
attacked opponents with greater speed than the Rams. Other teams
just couldn’t catch up to them in 1999. They were the first team to
defy convention and win the Super Bowl by relying on offense, not
defense.
Vermeil also took a big risk with Warner, who, until then, had
been an Arena Football League quarterback. No one had ever made
the jump from arena football to starting in the NFL. When Trent
Green, an expensive free agent, was injured in training camp, Vermeil
didn’t panic and trade for a veteran replacement. He figured if
Warner could star in the accelerated pace of the AFL, then he should
be able to make speedy decisions and release the ball quickly as the
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spread offense demanded. In fact, Vermeil said Warner wasn’t a
great practice player but was terrific under game pressure. Warner
turned out to be the perfect fit for the Rams’ fast-strike offense.16
Risk also means sacrifice because you often have to give up
something you’re already doing well. You have to trust that you can
reeducate yourself and others. When Phil Jackson coached the
Bulls, he realized teams could focus so much on stopping Michael
Jordan that the Bulls would be good enough to make the playoffs
but couldn’t win championships. It took a while, but Jackson persisted
and persuaded Jordan to sacrifice parts of his individual
game, trust his teammates, and get them involved. It often was a
struggle for Jordan to let less talented players assume leading roles,
but he was able to do it enough to win six championships. In two of
those championships, John Paxson and Steve Kerr hit the winning
shots in the final games.17
The three cornerstones of risk—anticipation, innovation, and
sacrifice—require trust in yourself and your skills and trust in others
to get the job done. Not coincidentally, your employees define success
as being trusted to do their jobs well. When you trust people, you
create possibilities for them to do great things. Your trust liberates
them, and they’ll respond by achieving your BHAGs.
RISK ENERGIZES EMPLOYEES
Trust is one reason risk energizes employees. Other reasons are
the excitement risk brings and the role model you set for your employees.
Most people love the action created by a good bet. Taking
a smart risk at work is like that. Plus, when people see you doing it,
they know they can take a chance too in the right situation. Taking
a risk to meet your BHAG is an extraordinarily powerful way to
5 / Goals: Winning Is the Only Thing 123
energize your team. But energy sustains only if you’re willing to
keep taking risks when they’re needed. We can see this in examples
from Jerry Manuel and Dennis Green who didn’t keep it going.
Jerry Manuel took a risk when he jump-started the Chicago
White Sox to the 2000 American League Central Division championship.
It gained him the ALmanager of the year honors. Manuel did
it in spring training by challenging his biggest star, slugger Frank
Thomas, to become a better team player. The year before, Thomas
had a down year at the plate and was preoccupied by personal problems
and injuries. He seemed aloof from his teammates and sulked
at some of the criticism he received.
Early in training camp, Manuel was running the team through
sprint drills. Thomas didn’t want to do them, claiming a sore toe.
Manuel is a soft-spoken, philosophical builder, given to the long
view. The season before, he didn’t confront Thomas and the situation
got away from him. Obviously, Manuel came to spring training
with a different mind-set, focused and ready to go to war with his
star if that’s what it took. When Thomas complained about doing the
drills, Manuel got in Thomas’s face in front of everyone—players,
coaches, and the press. He insisted Thomas participate like his
teammates. They started arguing and took their fight into a private
room to reach an accommodation. After Thomas proved the toe
really hadn’t healed from an earlier injury, Manuel announced
Thomas would do the drills as soon as he was ready, and he did.
By making sure Thomas knew the team came first but enabling
him to back down gracefully, Manuel thought group but saw the individual.
It was the defining moment in bringing the team together
and getting it off to a fast start. It was a moment of versatility for
Manuel.
According to Manuel, “Commitment means changes, and sometimes
change is uncomfortable. If you’re going to be committed to
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winning a world championship, you have to be willing to change.
Because the White Sox haven’t won one . . . I’m here to change
them.”18 What he didn’t say was he also had to change himself.
Change starts at the top—you have to be adaptable to be engaging.
Coach Dennis Green took a different kind of risk to reenergize
his Vikings before the 2000 football season. Green’s team went 15–1
in 1998 but blew the National Football Conference championship
game against the Atlanta Falcons. In 1999, the Vikings slipped to
10–6, barely making the playoffs. They lost badly in the semi-finals
to the eventual champion Rams. Green knew the team was headed
in the wrong direction.19
Green’s a builder who was intensely loyal to many players. He
gave them a very wide berth about performance and behavior, both
on and off the field, and shielded them from the criticism that
accompanies this. People, particularly in the press, expect professional
athletes to act a certain way. Green believes in letting people
be themselves.
Yet, before the season Green felt the team’s chemistry was all
wrong. Coaches weren’t together in their thinking and didn’t communicate
well. Some veteran players were more concerned about
themselves rather than the team. Green said, “We had a lot of guys
focused on individual agendas.”20
In response, Green drew a hard line and made huge changes.
He got rid of his offensive and defensive co-coordinators and several
other assistants, let go of two Pro Bowl offensive linemen and
cut several other veterans and replaced them with people he thought
more closely shared his point of view. Green increased the focus on
his way to play and everyone’s accountability for performance by
taking such drastic action.
But the biggest risk Green took was getting rid of his veteran
quarterbacks, Randall Cunningham and Jeff George, and handing
5 / Goals: Winning Is the Only Thing 125
the team over to untested Daunte Culpepper. In 1998, Cunningham
led the Vikings to its 15–1 season and was the league’s player of the
year. George took over for Cunningham midway through the 1999
season, was 8–2 as a starter, and added a playoff victory before the
loss to the Rams. In fact, Culpepper only played one down as a
rookie in 1999.
Still, Green felt Culpepper had all the physical and mental tools
to be successful. Plus, his huge size gave Green an additional power
runner, an unknown characteristic at QB. Above all, Green believed
in the talent he assembled around Culpepper and his offensive system.
He had a right to be confident. His teams had gone to the playoffs
seven times in eight years with six different QBs.
The Culpepper risk was a huge success. He became a star almost
from his first game. He led the team to an 11–5 record, a playoff
win and the National Football Conference championship game,
and was voted the starting quarterback for the Pro Bowl. Culpepper
had been a controversial draft choice because the Vikings badly
needed defensive help, but his size, mobility, and strong arm ushered
a new type of quarterback into pro football.
However, the inability to sustain this kind of risk taking and
versatility cost both Green and Manuel. I’ve already described how
the Giants pummeled the Vikings in the NFC title game, a game
that sent the team into a freefall. The trouble signs had been there
all throughout the second half of the season as the team struggled
after a very strong start. But Green never stepped up to take dramatic
action to refocus the team and put a little fear into his players
who needed it. Chris Carter, then the team leader, said, “We play
our best when we’re a little scared. When we get overconfident, we
don’t play well.”21 By the next season, the whole team was in disarray,
and Green resigned just before being fired.
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Manuel reverted to his usual building style in spring training in
2001. This time Thomas threw a fit over his salary and walked out
of camp, but Manuel didn’t take him to task. First he covered for
Thomas and then let the situation play out on its own. Newly arrived
pitcher David Wells came in with a back injury and Manuel
allowed the veteran to go his own way with workouts. When
Thomas got off to a slow start because of injuries early in the season,
Wells started questioning his toughness and leadership in the
press, even though Wells wasn’t pitching very well. Again, Manuel
seemed to let it go.
By this time the Sox ship was sinking. The team was losing.
Then Thomas, Wells, and several other pitchers were lost for the season
to injuries. When Wells went down, Thomas said it was karma.
Soon, a team that was expected to win its division was hopelessly
out of the race, 15 games under .500 by late May.
But in mid-June the team righted itself and went on to a winning
season. Some of it was just getting reorganized after all the injuries.
But the typically patient Manuel also had to shake things up
to get it going. The Sox started to win after Manuel openly discussed
breaking up the team through trades, benched two star players
for lack of effort, and criticized them publicly. “I was criticizing,
they were criticizing, I was jumping on guys,” Manuel said. “That’s
a part of a team maturing. There are certain things that have to be
confronted. A lot of times you don’t want to confront someone
when they’re down, but you want to know that you can confront
him when you’re not getting the effort.”22
What would have happened if Manuel had confronted Thomas,
Wells, and the rest of the team in spring training when things
started to go bad? Could he have avoided the slow start despite the
injuries? Who can say for sure? But chaos surrounded the team from
the start and wasn’t replaced by order until June.
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RISK TAKERS NEED SUPPORT
A word of warning: Before you take these kinds of risks make
sure you have someone covering your back. Nobody succeeds
alone. Even the most successful leaders need support. Whenever
you see someone taking risks and winning, you see a strong person
helping. This may be someone who reports to you, a boss who believes
in you, or an independent-minded board member. When I
coach leaders to be more engaging, we always identify a supporting
person who can help monitor the changes, give feedback and
provide some cover if problems arise.
Whoever it is, your support person needs to help you think things
through clearly, tell you what you need to hear—not what you want to
hear—and give you emotional aid when times get tough. Find someone
who can give you this kind of help. Few of us are smart enough or
tough enough to change all by ourselves. The people who think
they need the least help are the ones who often need the most.
It’s much more effective when your support person has the
style opposite from yours. He or she will see the world from a different
perspective and complement your viewpoint. This can help
you become broader and more versatile.
Joe Torre, a builder, gets his help from Don Zimmer, a driver.
Zimmer is a baseball lifer, with more than 50 years as a player,
coach, and manager. Zimmer has sat next to Torre on the Yankee
bench during all of the championship seasons, dispensing advice
and opinions that keep Torre steps ahead of opposing teams.
Bobby Cox, another builder, has led the Atlanta Braves to
eleven straight division titles, a record that’s unmatched, built on a
foundation of fabulous pitching. His number two man has been Leo
Mazzone, his pitching coach and a driver. Watching the two is a
study in contrasts. Cox is calm and low key. Mazzone paces, chews
128 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
gum constantly, and maintains a steady conversation with Cox, his
pitchers on the bench, and the guys in the bullpen. He is the fire to
Cox’s ice in the Braves’ dugout.
Phil Jackson has depended on long-time assistant coach Tex
Winter. Winter, now in his late 70s, invented the triangle offense
Jackson loves. More than that, Winter provides players with a counterbalance
to Jackson’s approach to coaching. Jackson is highly psychological,
symbolic, and subtle, often accused of being a “master
manipulator.” Winter is straightforward and direct. Jackson gets in
people’s faces when he has to—Winter does it all the time. Winter
was one of the few people who didn’t get caught in the middle of
the Bulls’ feud between Jackson and general manager Jerry Krause.
Winter told each of them exactly what he was thinking without holding
back. He played no favorites and wanted no favors. When Jackson
left the Bulls, he hired Winter to come with him to the Lakers.
Leading and taking risks without any support, or surrounding
yourself only with people who won’t challenge you, will prove
deadly. You have to have someone with a different view to help you
think about all the possibilities, including an exit strategy if things
don’t work out. Ed Lynch discovered this as general manager of
the Cubs.
The 2000 season was another miserable year for the Cubs. In
July, Lynch started talks with the Yankees about trading slugger
Sammy Sosa. Sosa is not only the star of the Cubs, but also extremely
popular in New York, which has a large population from
Sammy’s home, the Dominican Republic. New York City once even
threw a ticker tape parade for him.
Sosa, who is very sensitive, found out about the trade talks,
went into a funk, and fell into a deep slump at the plate. The Cubs
started losing even more than usual. Eventually, the Yankees decided
the Cubs wanted too much for Sosa and wouldn’t trade.
5 / Goals: Winning Is the Only Thing 129
Now Lynch was in real trouble. When the trade talks became
public, a lot of Cubs fans were outraged that the team would even
think about trading its most productive and popular player. After
the deal collapsed, Lynch looked foolish and ineffectual. He couldn’t
make things happen he thought were necessary. Sosa, of course,
was delighted. He loves being the hero of Chicago and despised the
idea of a trade. After trade talks stopped, Sosa went on a hitting
rampage and the team went on a rare winning streak. This made
Lynch look even worse.
At this point it became clear Lynch no longer had the support of
the fans or his boss, Andy MacPhail. MacPhail had been general
manager of the Twins, but once he joined the Cubs as president, he
was eager to disengage and kick himself upstairs. If he had given
Lynch the go-ahead to explore trading Sosa, he retreated once things
went badly. Lynch was left to fend for himself.
After the Sosa fiasco, Lynch and MacPhail agreed Lynch should
step down as general manager, move out of town, and become a
consultant to the team. As Lynch had operated alone, there was
no clear successor. MacPhail took over as general manager and announced
his first order of business would be to not trade Sosa. He
signed Sosa to an expensive, long-term deal before the start of the
2001 season.
Maybe Lynch could have made a good trade for Sosa, but he
didn’t have the support from above to help him consider his options
clearly. He surely had no support once his plans failed. He had
no exit strategy, so he had to exit himself.
MAKING RISK PAY OFF
Legendary baseball executive Branch Rickey was fond of the
adage “luck is the residue of design.”23 Of course, you often just
130 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
need to be lucky. But sometimes taking risks to meet your goals can
improve your luck.
The New York Giants were a mediocre football team in 1999
and again in 2001, finishing 7–9 both years. But they had a big year
between these seasons during 2000. They got off to a fast start at 7–2
leading their division and surprising everyone by overachieving.
Then bad things started to happen. The Giants played poorly and
lost two straight games at home, falling behind in the standings to
the even more surprising Philadelphia Eagles.
That’s when Jim Fassel, their usually steady and measured
builder head coach, took his big leap and turned mediocrity into
success. During a news conference, Fassel guaranteed, to everyone’s
surprise, that his team would make the playoffs. With a big smile,
he announced, “I’m raising the expectations. I’m raising the stakes.
I love it.”24 Then he went upstairs to tell his bosses what he did.
Fassel’s boss, Ernie Accorsi, was supportive. “If he feels good
about the team’s chances, that’s great. He has the pulse of his team.”
Moreover, Accorsi said Fassel’s job was not in jeopardy because of
what he said. “I don’t think that any of the evaluation process will
have to do with the words.”25
Fassel’s risky ploy worked for himself and his team. The Giants
won seven straight games and captured the National Football Conference
championship to make it to the Super Bowl. The team
played well above its skill level. His players said Fassel’s guarantee
pushed them to make it happen. Tackle Lomas Brown said when
Fassel offered his guarantee, “I remember we all looked at each
other. But it was good. . . . He gave us all tunnel vision and focused
us in on winning. It was a stroke of genius on his part.”26
Part luck, part motivation, Fassel’s words were just what the
Giants needed to reenergize. Fassel’s words also are a good example
of how BHAGs require risk taking, and how people respond to
5 / Goals: Winning Is the Only Thing 131
them. Giants running back Tiki Barber was clear about that. “We
were playing without a lot of enthusiasm. Coach Fassel just put it
out there. He’s our coach, and we believe in him. He made a goal
for us, and we chased it.”27
Maybe Fassel should have made another guarantee in 2001.
T H E H U D D L E
If you’re a builder:
• Identify your big way to create success, and insist everyone
gets on board with you. Builders often have trouble focusing
on just one thing because they don’t want to rule out other
people’s goals and interests. Get over it.
• Take the leap, set a BHAG, and commit 100 percent to it. Create
an absolute measure of success. This will feel risky to you.
Learn how to live with it.
• Be quicker to grab control of a situation. Don’t wait for problems
to solve themselves. If you need to confront people, do
it sooner. Don’t carry the stress yourself—give it back to the
people causing it.
• Find a driver in whom you can confide. Use this person as a
sounding board to help solve problems. This will give you
another perspective on things.
If you’re a driver:
• Be sure you’re not the only one who feels passion about your
direction. It must be meaningful and inspirational to others.
132 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
Drivers often are able to focus on one key to business success
but they often don’t consider how motivating this will be to
others. Get everyone involved.
• Be careful not to set your BHAG so high that it’s impossible
to attain. “Stretch” is good, but don’t overdo it. People won’t
even try if there’s no chance of success.
• Be quicker to delegate and empower people. Many drivers
are afraid of giving up control. Hire highly skilled people and
learn to trust them. If they’re good and you don’t trust them,
the fault may be with you.
• Find a builder in whom you can confide. Use this person as
a sounding board to help solve problems. This will give you
another perspective on things.
5 / Goals: Winning Is the Only Thing 133
134 E N G A G I N G L E A D E R S W I N
6
135
C H A P T E R S I X
CHEMISTRY
Trust First
“It’s very tough to commit unless you trust.”
—New York Yankees manager Joe Torre1
CHEMISTRY = TRUST + STRUCTURE
Earl Weaver, the highly successful manager of the Baltimore
Orioles in the 1970s and 1980s, used to say, “Chemistry is a threerun
homer.” On any given day, he was right. Three runs can cure a
lot of ills if you’re losing a baseball game.
But over the course of a season, a critical project, a fiscal quarter,
or longer, things are more complicated. In sports and business,
you can assemble all the right talent with all the mental toughness
you need, but unless you build superior chemistry among team members,
you won’t get far. You certainly won’t hit your BHAG. Good chemistry
sparks high performance.
In business, we’re used to talking about culture—the shared
values that build up over a long time and help guide operating relationships
and decision making. Culture is the glue that holds
companies together and creates a competitive advantage when you
know how to use it. But how do you build a sustaining culture when
business conditions change so quickly and people switch jobs as
often as they do? Where do you start? How do you create a winning
atmosphere quickly, particularly as things and people keep moving?
In sports, coaches are more likely to talk about chemistry, something
you can mix faster than culture. Chemistry can start with just
two people. A positive chemistry—a chemistry of trust—can be expanded
into a climate of trust, one that influences many people.
Chemistry and climate lead to a desired culture, if you extend them
over time. Engaging leaders start with chemistry to build winning
environments.
The two keys to building good chemistry are trust and a structure of
clear roles, accountabilities, and rewards. The two are completely interrelated.
People have to trust to follow the structure you establish to
attain goals. The more trust they feel, the more they’ll buy in to how
you want to do things. Meanwhile, as your structure creates dependability
and success, they’ll feel greater trust with you and each
other. Increasing trust and creating a more effective structure means
more and bigger wins for you. Usually, drivers are better at structure
and builders are better at trust. Engaging leaders excel at both.
In this chapter, we’ll talk about building trust. Trust requires
you to step up, expand your versatility, and use all your person-toperson
and small group skills. I’ll also tell you how to go beyond
trust to engage people further, once trust is in place. In the next
chapter, we’ll complete the picture by discussing structure.
A SHORT COURSE IN TRUST
People use the word trust every day, but it’s a challenging concept.
It’s both how people relate to each other and the outcomes of
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these relationships. These outcomes are the social climate you create
and the concrete results coming from that climate. A trusting climate
breeds positive results. Rarely can you get the results you want
without trust, and if you do, the results will take much longer to
reach and won’t last as long.
It takes a while to build trust, but trust can be lost in seconds.
Many leaders think they have it in their organizations, but employees
don’t experience it. It’s impossible to quantify in any real way,
but easy to identify when it’s not there. As leader you must be able
to see signs of it, so you can fix it or grow it; but, basically, you’ll
know trust exists when you and your people feel it.
Employee research says people feel trust when leaders do what
they say they are going to do. Most leaders think they do this, but
studies say only about half the people in a company trust their leaders.
The further down the ladder you go in an organization, the less
trust there is. Usually, only about a quarter of the people at the bottom
trust the top.2
Think about trust as meeting expectations. Mistrust comes from
missing expectations. Mistrust occurs when leaders promise too
much to people and deliver too little. They create expectations they
can’t meet. Another problem is a lack of communication; leaders
don’t say enough about what they’re going to do so people fill in
the gaps with their imaginations. Few leaders can live up to these
kinds of expectations. Leaders who don’t get to know their people
well and don’t let people get to know them suffer from both kinds
of problems. The closer you are to your people, the easier you make
it for them to build realistic expectations.
Keeping promises is the start of trust, but just doing that doesn’t
necessarily engage people. We can trust baseball owners to stumble
over their own greed in dealing with the players’ union, but this
doesn’t mean we’re engaged by their cause. What if people know
6 / Chemistry: Trust First 137
you’ll cut their jobs at the first sign of trouble? You can fulfill their
expectations but they may not appreciate it.
To engage people, build trust on a foundation of positive social values.
Start with integrity, honesty, and fairness. Employees see these as
the cornerstones of trust. Then add caring to the mix. Don’t violate
any of these four things—ever. This will enable people to look up to
you. Remember, people want to work for leaders they admire.
Data on engaging employees show that engaging the spirit is
incredibly important to people, and the more education people
have, the more important it is. In addition to challenging work and
the freedom to do it without much interference, skilled people want
to find meaning on the job. My analysis of the data from the best
employer surveys shows you can create a spirit of “a day here is a
day well spent” by doing two things. First, help your team understand
it’s producing a valuable product or service for others. As a
leader, you can talk about your mission as selling more computers
or you can talk about it as making technology easier and more
available for people. You can discuss being more efficient in patient
care or you can talk about providing more access to health care for
more people. In each instance, wouldn’t the second approach give
your group a stronger sense of purpose?
The best companies and most engaging leaders state their missions
clearly, concisely, constantly, and in the context of how it helps
others. Their employees “get it” and respond accordingly. That’s
why Southwest Airlines doesn’t talk about itself as a discount airline;
it talks about offering great service at low fares so people have
the freedom to fly. CDW Computer Centers helps its employees
understand they’re there to find solutions for their customers’ computing
problems, whether it’s hardware, software, service, or training.
Selling more is a way to get there, but CDW won’t grow unless
these are genuine solutions to real problems.
138 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
If employees are going to give you 8, 10, or 12 hours a day, they
want to feel their time is worthwhile. People know you’re in business
to make money. While you have to educate them about how
that happens, there’s no need to remind them about it every day.
Instead, great leaders engage people around a higher purpose to increase
motivation and business results. Of course, if you do this you
have to mean it and act like it. Don’t talk about providing products
that improve people’s lives and then scrimp on quality or service
that customers need.
The second thing to do is help people feel like your team or organization
is good for your community. Some of the initiative for
this may come from your company, but you don’t have to wait. I’ve
seen engaging supervisors create opportunities for volunteering or
good deeds at the work team level. These can be good team-building
efforts too, like a canned food drive, working in a soup kitchen, participating
in a charity walk, and so on. The time spent in these worthwhile
activities energizes employees for their work activities and
brings a great return on your investment.
These two things enable people to feel like they’re contributing
to something bigger than themselves. This picks up their spirits and
makes them feel special. It helps them trust that you’ll act ethically
because you have good social values.
Teams take on the personalities of their leaders, so to build
trust, be trusting. Start by extending trust to your people. Do this by
showing people you expect them to do their jobs well, and then
give them plenty of freedom to perform. Micromanaging is the great
enemy of trust. It signals your doubts about their abilities to succeed.
If you had doubts, you shouldn’t have hired them or given them the
assignment in the first place. Another key to engaging people is giving
them opportunities to offer input about how their work should
be done. Micromanaging cuts off that involvement and influence.
6 / Chemistry: Trust First 139
It makes people feel like they should keep their mouths shut and
just take orders. Who wants to feel like that? People need to feel
they’re working with you, not for you.
Extending trust may take a leap of faith for you, and it requires
putting your own ego aside. But you have to go first and show trust
if you want to create the right climate. The right environment is one
in which people feel they’ll be treated fairly and like professionals.
Aprofessional is someone who does whatever it takes to get the job
done well. A professional leader trusts people to do their jobs successfully.
Doing the job well requires engagement or commitment,
and that’s why Joe Torre linked the two—trust and commitment.
When you trust, people will commit to your goals.
Jim Fassel mixed the right chemistry on the way to taking his
Giants to Super Bowl XXXV. One of his assistant coaches said, “He
picked the right people around him and the right players. He took
everyone on a golf outing, on boat trips. He brought the team together
and it helped when he stopped being his own offensive coordinator.
You can’t be a bank president and a teller at the same
time.”3 In other words, he focused on creating a friendly social climate
and stopped micromanaging.
Create a chemistry and climate of trust by:
• Picking people who have the experience, skills, motivations,
and values you want while watching out for big egos.
• Starting with the assumption that people will do their jobs
well, or enabling them to do well through education, coaching,
and support.
• Allowing people to do their jobs without overmanaging.
• Putting some fun into the mix.
140 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
• Sticking with people, even when they make mistakes or get
into a slump.
• Recognizing that errors and slumps are for learning, not
punishing.
• Taking corrective action if performance is lacking for too
long.
J.T. Snow played first base for the 2002 National League Champion
San Francisco Giants, and like all his teammates, said manager
Dusty Baker was a big reason for the team’s success, “He just lets
you play . . . you show up and play hard. There are not a lot of rules.
We try to have fun and play the game the right way.”4 Earlier, I said
employees define success as feeling trusted to do their jobs well.
That’s what Snow said too.
Baker’s building style leads him to get close to his players and
become a confidant. He was the sounding board for many Giants
and frequently joined them for dinner or socialized with them on
the road. His pitching coach, Dave Righetti said, “A lot of managers
are afraid to get to know their players. . . . But he gets to know them
and tests their personalities a lot . . . though he doesn’t let it affect
his decision making.”5
According to Baker, “You have to be able to analyze personalities
and mood swings to feel comfortable and confident enough to
ask, ‘Hey, what’s wrong?’ Even if a guy says nothing, he might
come back and talk to you about it later because he knows you’re
not going to go around telling.”6
Still, if you don’t take corrective action when needed, you run
the risk of losing the people who are performing. They’ll feel you’re
jeopardizing their futures by staying with someone who isn’t up
to the job. During 2002, when the New York Giants kept playing
6 / Chemistry: Trust First 141
poorly, Jim Fassel took another risk and started calling plays again.
This risk sparked the team like his guarantee in 2000. Players never
comment publicly when someone who deserves it gets cut from the
team. That wouldn’t be right. But people know who wants to win
and has the ability and motivation to help the team. That’s the person
they want on the field with them.
Ultimately, trust comes from dealing with people honestly, particularly
when it comes to making changes, critiquing their performance, or
setting expectations. Look them in the eye and tell them the truth.
TRUST AMONG PEERS
Trust starts when you extend it and communicate openly with
your team. But you also have to make sure trust builds from employee
to employee. You do that by establishing strong social ties
with your employees and initiating connections among them.
Herm Edwards, coach of the New York Jets, said this is one of
the great lessons he learned while playing for Dick Vermeil from
1977 to 1982. Edwards described Vermeil this way, “A lot of coaches
are afraid to get close to players. But Dick proved you can foster a
relationship with players and still make them accountable. That’s
going to be his legacy. It won’t be so much the Super Bowl he won
or the championship games he’s been involved in.”7 Vermeil says
he always treats his teams like family. That’s why “likeability” is
important to him. If he doesn’t like a player, he can’t bring him into
the family, and probably the other players won’t like him either.
Make sure this communication and closeness occurs between
you and your employees and also among your employees. When it
goes away, you’re in trouble. Sean Lowe said one of the reasons his
White Sox team won in 2000 was the bond formed among teammates.
This bond helped them get through their toughest times.
142 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
Lowe noted, “We’ve had our horses go down, but this is a team
thing. And there’s nobody tighter than this team. Everybody is
friends. When you’re friends the way we are, you just fight harder
for one another. You bow your back.”8
But the bond wasn’t there in 2001 as the team slumped. Jerry
Manuel said the team had the wrong ingredients in its mix of players.
Sox player Paul Konerko described it this way, “It wasn’t a bad
clubhouse where we were at each others’ throats, but we definitely
didn’t have the chemistry of last year where we had everyone
pulling for each other and rallied around each other. I think the injuries
were a big part of it, but there were many nights where we
had the horses to win the game and maybe that lack of chemistry is
the reason why we came out on the short end.”9 In our win-now
world, chemistry collapses quickly if success doesn’t follow. Sometimes
it lasts only a few weeks.
Dennis Green thought he improved the chemistry on the Vikings
after the 1999 season. He made several changes to get people
to work together better, firing most of his coaches including his offensive
and defensive coordinators, and hiring seven new ones.
Midway through the 2000 season, everything seemed great.
When the Vikings were 7–0, the staff was singing in harmony
and the good feelings flowed to the players in the locker-room.
“Everybody communicates well together,” said new offensive coordinator
Sherman Lewis. “We make sure that everybody’s ideas are
listened to and utilized because we’ve got a lot of experience.”10
Charlie Baggett, the receivers’ coach, added, “I don’t think that
there’s a guy on this staff that you can say has a problem with another
guy. I haven’t been on a staff like that before.”11
However, as the team struggled through the second half of
the season, the chemistry evaporated. Though it won its division
and made it to the NFC championship, the team went 4–5 after its
6 / Chemistry: Trust First 143
7–0 start and then lost big to the Giants, 41–0, in the title game.
Everyone was embarrassed by the lack of effort against the Giants
and the internal sniping started again. Green’s alchemy skills had
evaporated.
Phil Jackson experienced the ephemeral nature of chemistry in
his first two years with the Lakers. When he arrived in 1999, he
spent a lot of time with Shaquille O’Neal understanding him and
building the close relationship O’Neal wanted. What Jackson worked
on most was getting Shaq to accept Kobe Bryant, whom Shaq
seemed to really dislike. All season long, Jackson communicated
with O’Neal about the need to work cooperatively with Kobe and
the contribution Kobe could make to the team and Shaq’s game.
Shaq responded and formed an uneasy truce with Bryant. The relationship
was smoothed over and things worked during the 1999–
2000 season. The Lakers won the NBA title, and the team’s media
guide cover picture for the 2000–2001 season even showed Kobe
and Shaq hugging after they won the championship.
But year two in Los Angeles was much harder, largely due to renewed
fighting between O’Neal and Bryant. By the end of January
2001, the team had lost more games than it did during the entire
1999–2000 season. Bryant felt like he turned his game up a notch in
2000–2001 and wanted the offense to run through him. “Everybody
expected me to come back and do the same things I did last year.
But I’ve improved so much. I have to prove to myself and the
league that I’m a better player.”12 For Bryant, this meant taking
more shots and passing the ball less to O’Neal.
Shaq, however, still thought it was his team, “We’re not an outside
team. We’re an inside-out team. You have to get me into the
game . . . it doesn’t get done if I don’t get it.”13 So the two spent most
of the first part of the season sniping at each other, rather than their
opponents.
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Jackson’s response was to take a tougher tone with his stars and
his team, “the sand box,” as he called it. “This is really why I’m
here, to fix the tussles with the wills of these guys . . . you’ve got
guys willing to do their thing against the will or maybe the good of
the team. What it’s all about is how to corral that and make it into a
community effort.”14 Veteran player Horace Grant had a simpler description
of Jackson’s new tone, “ornery and disappointed.”15 Jackson’s
Zen approach turned into tougher communication to both
players, especially Bryant, to try to restore trust. In my terms, he
had to become more versatile and act like a driver for a while. The
result was the players re-engaged and won another championship.
BIG EGOS DESTROY TRUST
John Wooden, the legendary basketball coach at UCLA, used to
say, “The price of glory is the rest of the team.” Individual egos can
poison positive chemistry and trust. This was the road Bryant traveled
as he tried to show he was the best player in the league. In the process,
he was destroying the trust that had carried the Lakers to the title.
What’s worse, he seemed to know it. He claimed, “I trust the team.
I just trust myself more.”16 But this is the opposite of what engaging
leaders do; they trust the team first. Bryant needed to learn that.
Horace Grant saw this in his years with Michael Jordan. Grant
knew Jackson taught Jordan to reach out to his teammates to build
trust. Bryant had to do the same thing, even if it didn’t come naturally.
Grant noted, “To be a leader, everybody has to respect you on
and off the court. You can’t just be a great player. Every once in a
while, you have to be able to say, ‘I made a mistake. My fault.’”17
Ego caused big problems on the Seattle Mariners, but the team
was able to overcome them. Ken Griffey, Jr. was considered by
6 / Chemistry: Trust First 145
many to be the best all-around player in baseball during the 1990s.
As long as he was smiling and helping lead the team, it was successful,
winning division titles in 1995 and 1997. Then things began
to happen. The team got off to a slow start in 1998 because of injuries,
and star pitcher Randy Johnson was traded during the season
when the team thought he would cost too much to re-sign in
1999. Griffey started worrying about his own future and whether
the team was committed to winning. He lost his focus on the team
and his trust in leadership to fix things.
Junior was scheduled to become a free agent after the 1999 season,
and speculation swirled around him all year. By the middle of
the season, Griffey went into a funk. His mood was bad and detracted
from the team, his contract was not resolved, and the M’s
moved into a new ballpark, Safeco Field, which was a pitcher’s
park. Their old stadium, the Kingdome, had been hitter-friendly. Junior’s
production fell way off, he got surly, and the team couldn’t
recover, finishing third in a four-team division.
At the end of the season, the team tried to re-sign Griffey, but he
wanted out of Seattle to return home to Cincinnati. He used his
leverage to force a trade, even accepting below-market money from
the Reds to go home. Most baseball experts thought the M’s didn’t
get much in return, just a journeyman pitcher, a pretty good centerfielder
to replace Griffey, and two prospects. They predicted the demise
of the Mariners without their star.
But General Manager Pat Gillick proved to be very shrewd
when he let Johnson and Griffey go. For Johnson in 1998, he received
two good young pitchers and a shortstop who blossomed during
2000 and 2001. He used the money he saved by not re-signing Griffey
to get three free agent pitchers, two infielders, and another outfielder,
none of whom were hugely expensive. Now the M’s had a
146 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
completely new mix of talent, heavy on pitching and defense that
was better suited for their big new ballpark.
The reinvented team jelled under Lou Piniella. The chemistry
was great and there were no distracting personality conflicts, despite
star Alex Rodriquez playing out his contract. “We’ve got a nice
combination of personalities,” said outfielder Jay Buhner.18 The
Mariners won the wild card spot to get into the 2000 AL playoffs.
The two pitchers obtained for Johnson started against the White Sox
in the first two games of the playoff series, and the M’s swept the
Sox in three games. They went on to the AL Championship Series
where they gave the Yankees a tough fight before losing.
NO MORE COMMAND, CONTROL,
AND CONSTANT CRITICISM
Another enemy of trust is old style command-and-control leadership.
Usually, this is accompanied by constant criticism. Sometimes it’s
part of micromanaging. Command, control, and criticism helped
cause the failures of Mike Ditka in New Orleans and Rick Pitino in
Boston. Skilled people won’t put up with it anymore. You can’t be
too nice—people want leaders to be strong, principled, and courageous.
But you can’t be too critical and commanding because talented
people will hit the street.
A command-and-control-style leader hasn’t won a single major
sports championship in recent years. The leaders have either been
builders who got tough when he needed to or drivers who toned it
down as required.
The most successful coach in the history of professional hockey
is recently retired Scotty Bowman. Bowman started coaching in the
NHL in 1967, won more games than any other coach, and captured
6 / Chemistry: Trust First 147
nine Stanley Cups—five in Montreal, one in Pittsburgh, and three in
Detroit. He achieved that success by changing with the times. Philadelphia
Coach Ken Hitchcock said, “Most people of his status, like
Woody Hayes and Bobby Knight, who have won on a consistent
basis with old-school techniques, have not adjusted to new school
personalities. Scotty has kept the same ideas and principles, but he
has adjusted to the times.”19
The soap opera in Philadelphia during the 76ers’ breakthrough
2000–2001 season shows just how hard it is for some leaders to
change. This was no secret. Larry Brown publicly acknowledged
several times that he needed to be more careful and upbeat about
what he said and did. Brown went out of his way to praise Iverson
and the team, rather than criticize, and be a more open and positive
leader.
Still, Brown was stressed-out from trying to change. During December
of 2000, he blew up at the team after a bad game and then
realized he needed to take a few days off to regroup. It’s extraordinarily
rare when a pro coach takes a few days off from his team.
Then Sixers’ forward George Lynch said, “This team isn’t good at
talking to each other when we need to talk to each other. You let it
build up, then all of a sudden you have a blowup. It’s one of those
things where Coach Brown needed a break from us, and we probably
needed a break from him.”20 When Brown came back, he said
again he needed to be more positive and trusting.
One coach who hasn’t been able to make the change is Pat Riley.
He tries from time to time, but it doesn’t seem to stick. Before the
2001 season, Riley vowed he would loosen his control, provide
more freedom, and be less critical. But it didn’t last. Ricky Davis, a
young player Riley traded away very early in the year said, “I saw
a few changes, but you can’t keep bad habits away, like working
148 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
guys too hard, not letting you be yourself. It’s back to the same old,
same old. There’s such a thing as constructive criticism.”21
Engaging leaders have to initiate contact and build relationships
in a trusting, positive way. You may want your people to commit
to your goals, but they won’t unless you trust them first.
SUPERB COMMUNICATIONS
You need to become a superb, frequent, and honest communicator
to capture and keep the trust of your employees. That’s one
reason broadcasters are moving directly from announcing to managing.
They hone their communication skills in the booth and then
transfer them to their leadership roles. Larry Dierker made the
jump and enjoyed a successful career with the Houston Astros,
leading them to the NL Central title four out of the five years he
managed them. Unfortunately, he never could get the team past the
first round of the playoffs. That got him fired after 2001. Ironically,
for a former broadcaster, he also hurt his cause by being too curt in
his post-game interviews after the Astros lost big games.
Bob Brenly was incredibly successful right away. A long-time
broadcaster with just a little coaching experience, Brenly went directly
from the booth to the field, managing the Diamondbacks and
winning the World Series in his first year. There he faced off against
Joe Torre, who had a losing record for 14 years as a manager before
becoming a broadcaster himself. Torre went from announcing to
managing the Yankees, where he fixed his won-lost record.
Brenly’s a builder, a free spirit, and a risk taker, in the style of
his mentor, Dusty Baker. “I learned a lot from Dusty, the way he
handled his ball clubs there,” Brenly says. “He does a lot by his
hunches and gut feelings and lives with it. I think players appreci-
6 / Chemistry: Trust First 149
ate it a lot more than if you just sit there and go by the numbers.”22
He supports, even cheerleads for his players. In the World Series,
when he needed to go to the mound to pull Curt Schilling who
didn’t want to come out, Benly took the ball and proclaimed loudly,
“You’re my hero.” How could Schilling argue?
Players describe Brenly as very emotional and usually very positive.
Slugger Luis Gonzalez said, “He’s the first guy at the top of
the steps cheering for guys when they do well. That’s the way he
played. He gets very emotional when something positive happens,
and that fires us up as players.”23 However, his passion and skill at
communicating also led him to do some judicious screaming on occasion.
According to Brenly, “They [the players] just need a little
push in the right direction from time to time.”
Another broadcaster-turned-coach is Doc Rivers, a long-time
NBA player who became a television analyst when he retired from
playing. From there he was hired to coach the Orlando Magic in
1999. Rivers had no coaching experience and no star players, but he
was an instant success, winning coach of the year honors in his first
season.
Maybe the strongest endorsement of Rivers came from his players.
In their next-to-last game of the season, the Magic lost and was
eliminated from the playoffs. With nothing at stake but pride in its
last game, the team pulled together and won for Doc. When it was
over, every player said he couldn’t wait to come back and play for
Rivers again. People who watched Rivers said he succeeded because
he was a great salesman. He pitched his agenda to his players with
great enthusiasm. In addition, he listened, learned, and kept adapting
his approach to fit his team. More than just sales skills, these are
the communication skills of an engaging leader.
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ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE
Trust is the foundation of performance. Trust means people will
think you’re a fair person and buy in to what you’re trying to do.
But they won’t necessarily run through walls for you. Trust is just
the start. You’ve got to go further.
If trust gets you to good, appreciation gets you to great. William
James, the father of American psychology, said appreciation is the
deepest principle in human nature. In the words of Dick Vermeil,
“Be a hugger.”24
Some recent research looked at management behaviors across
many different studies and companies. The conclusion was that a
“female” style of leadership works best today.25 Our most engaging
leaders now show caring, listening, and public expressions of positive
emotions, along with a deeper understanding and acknowledgement
of how others are feeling. These are Dick Vermeil’s
“huggers.” They show their appreciation.
A big company recently asked me to help it become a great employer.
That was one of its goals. When I got there, I saw the opposite.
The company had good financial performance and pretty good
customer satisfaction for its industry, but employees thought it was
a cold and distant place—probably the reason customer service was
just OK. Formal dress was still the rule, and men kept their suit
coats on all the time. A rigid hierarchy was still in place, both in the
organization and in the way people behaved toward each other.
Employees were expected to address their superiors by Mr., Mrs., or
Miss. Just as importantly, employees didn’t see much collaboration
across departments or extra effort by coworkers.
The company asked me to speak to top management at a leadership
meeting at a resort. Despite the location, the group continued
6 / Chemistry: Trust First 151
to be dressed formally. I told them the missing element in their company
was warmth. To be a great employer, they had to loosen up
and warm up the place. I told them what Dick Vermeil said. Then I
asked each of the 150 top executives to take off their coats, loosen
their ties, and hug the person next to them. They did it, but very,
very reluctantly. You would have thought I was making them take
bad tasting medicine. As you can imagine, this was the last time
I spoke to that group.
My request wasn’t so far-fetched. Winning teams in sports and
business always talk about themselves as “families.” No less an authoritarian
than the late Vince Lombardi said that teams don’t win
until the players love each other.26
Brian Billick said he learned this from his Super Bowl winning
Ravens. “This team taught me what the concept of team is about. The
terms team and family are interchangeable. When you go through
what this team has gone through this last year, the sense of family
does come through.”27
Maybe you’re not a hugger, but you can still show appreciation.
Saying thank you gets things started. How often do you thank your
employees for their work, even when it’s something they’re supposed
to do?
Public and private recognition works well too. Everyone loves
to be praised. When I’m coaching executives, a problem I often discover
is that they’re just not positive enough with their people.
They take good works for granted. You can’t build a productive atmosphere
for professionals without being positive. A simple technique
I use to increase the amount of praise they give is to ask them
to carry a 3” × 5” card and make a tic mark every time they say
something nice to someone. You’d be amazed at how fast their
praise goes up and how fast people notice it. Employees talk about
it right away. They thank their leaders for saying thanks. Moreover,
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the buzz is so strong that these executives start doing it at home and
immediately create happier spouses and children.
At the root of appreciation is showing people you care about
their opinions. I’ll never forget what one alienated professional told
me about how his organization should engage him and his peers. It
was so simple and yet so powerful. He said, “Listen to us, value us,
take us seriously.” Listening seriously to someone is the start of
appreciation.
When you show appreciation on a regular basis, you’re able to turn up
the intensity or make big changes when needed. Sometimes that’s lighting
a fire under people. After the Lakers dropped the first game of
the 2001 NBA Finals to Philadelphia, Phil Jackson needed Shaquille
O’Neal to play a lot harder. Just before the next game started, Jackson
chided Shaq, “Don’t be afraid to block a shot tonight.”28 O’Neal
stopped and stared at his coach. Then he took that energy into the
game and blocked eight shots, a championship series record, to lead
the Lakers to the win.
Sometimes you can increase the intensity by turning down the
heat. If you’re loud all the time, silence can be deafening. This is
what Jim O’Brien did when he took over from Rick Pitino in midseason
as coach of the Boston Celtics. The Celtics were 12–22 in
2000–2001 and 99–147 overall under Pitino who tried, with little
success, to coach pros like they were college players. Pitino was constantly
up from the sidelines yelling and glaring at his players, trying
to control them through what he thought was teaching. His
players thought he was just screaming at them and trying to direct
their every move. They tuned him out.
The NBA is a player’s league, and the players saw Pitino as a
distraction—someone who would criticize them publicly while keeping
the attention for himself. “Because of the way things were, very
negative, the first two months of the season, the focus wasn’t on
6 / Chemistry: Trust First 153
us,” said star forward Antoine Walker after Pitino left. “It was obviously
on coach Pitino and whatever he was going to do with his
career. Now, the focus is on us and the guys are just going out there
and playing hard and giving it everything we got.”29
O’Brien changed everything by turning the attention on the
players—easy for him to do because he’s a low-key guy—letting
them play, and praising them publicly whenever he got the chance.
“No matter who’s on the sidelines, it comes down to the players
getting the job done all four quarters. They have got to get the stops.
In the fourth quarter, we’re going to put the ball in their hands, Antoine
Walker and Paul Pierce. You can talk about coaching styles,
but they have got to get the job done,” said O’Brien.30
His methods worked as the Celtics went on a winning streak
and competed for a playoff spot, losing out in the last days. The
next year they made the playoffs and went all the way to the Eastern
Conference finals. Ironically, the Celtics became a much better
defensive team with O’Brien as coach, even though defense was
Pitino’s focus. By laying back, O’Brien was able to get the players to
work harder on defense, which in basketball is mostly effort and
teamwork. “Everybody’s playing with a lot of confidence and believing
in each other,” said Walker. “That’s a credit to coach O’Brien.”31
Failure to appreciate is another thing that tripped Pitino in
Boston. He had the power to pick his team, and he made several
bad draft choices and trades. Then he compounded his mistakes by
saying publicly he wouldn’t have taken the Celtics job if he’d
known he wasn’t going to get Tim Duncan in the NBA draft. This
insulted his current players who felt unappreciated. They were
more than happy to point their fingers at him after he left, even after
he signed them to big contracts. Said guard Randy Brown, “A month
ago [with Pitino], we lose this game by 30 points. . . . We would
have been bickering, finger-pointing, second-guessing, all that stuff.
154 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
Right now, we’re much looser and we’re playing with confidence. I
wonder why.”32
NO APPRECIATION, NO TALENT
People perform best when they feel appreciated. People talk all
the time, so a leader’s reputation as a boss who shows appreciation
gets around. Employees say a company’s reputation as a good employer
is very important to whether they’ll come to work or stay
there. Likewise, your reputation as an appreciative supervisor helps
determine whether people want to work for you. News spreads
fast. If you don’t show appreciation, the best people won’t come work for you.
Nowhere has this been truer than with the Chicago Bulls. With
Phil Jackson, Michael Jordan, and company, the team won six NBA
titles during the 1990s. General manager Jerry Krause never thought
he got the credit he deserved for building the team around Jordan.
Jordan was so great, many people thought he could have won those
titles with four guys from the local gym. Krause seethed from this
lack of recognition and never gave any good feeling in return.
Instead, Krause coined the phrase “players don’t win championships,
organizations win championships.”33 Jordan took this as
an insult to him and his teammates. He turned it around and used it
to poke fun at Krause, and their relationship completely deteriorated.
It was no better with Jackson. Krause thought Jackson owed
him complete loyalty because he hired him from the CBA as an
assistant coach and then promoted him to head coach. As Jackson
became more successful, he became more independent of Krause
and increased Krause’s distance from the players. Krause hated this
so much that Jackson was the only member of Bulls management
not invited to Krause’s daughter’s wedding.
6 / Chemistry: Trust First 155
All this bitterness wore everyone down. Krause threatened to
get rid of Jackson, but Jordan said he wouldn’t play for anyone but
Phil. Without Jackson, there would be no Jordan and no title. Phil
had the leverage, but the bad feelings grew.
After the fifth championship, Jackson agreed to come back for
one more year, the “last dance” as he called it. Krause wanted to
make sure Phil wouldn’t reconsider. At the press conference announcing
Jackson’s contract, Krause said publicly it would be the
last. Then he leaned over to Phil and said, “I don’t care if you go
82–0, you’re out of here.”34 After the sixth title, Jackson, Jordan,
Scottie Pippen, Dennis Rodman, and other key players scattered,
leaving the team in shambles.
As the old saying goes, be careful what you wish for because
you may get it. Krause got his. He desperately wanted to build a
winning team without Jordan so he could finally get his due. He
stockpiled his cash and high draft picks to sign top-tier free agents
and great rookies to rebuild. But his dreams were dashed. By the
2000–2001 season, the Bulls were by far the worst team in basketball,
with about half the number of wins as the next worse team and
little hope in sight.
Krause’s main weapon, his cash horde, did him no good. The
NBA approved a new collective bargaining agreement designed to
put in an orderly salary structure. Players’ financial opportunities
were limited by their years of service and existing teams had equal
chances of re-signing their best players to produce more fan loyalty.
In some ways, the impact of the structure made it more like pay
practices in the rest of business where companies can’t wildly overspend
for talent or they’ll go broke. Instead, teams had to recruit
free agents not only with money but also with the type of environment
they could offer.
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Krause had more money to spend than anyone after the 1999–
2000 season, but he couldn’t sign great players. Players remembered
how he treated Jordan and the others and stayed away. Krause could
only attract lesser talents and he was the only one bidding for them.
This continued the following year. Again Krause had the money.
Again all he could attract were the lesser lights among free agents.
The players knew the score. Minnesota all-star Kevin Garnett
said, “It wasn’t like somebody dropped a bomb and all of a sudden
they went from classy to ashy. The management there totally made
all those decisions in which to go and the direction they wanted to
go in.”35
Dallas all-star Michael Finley added, “I’ve met Jerry two times,
once when I played Michael Jordan in one-on-one and he kicked me
out of the gym and the second time when I worked out for the Bulls.
He would have treated me better the second time if he had drafted
me. But he didn’t.”36
More savvy management also understood. Atlanta Hawks general
manager Pete Babcock said, “The reality in today’s NBA is that
players talk, and the way your own players feel about your organization
is the message that’s getting sent out.”37
Mark Cuban bought the Dallas Mavericks in 2000. He made his
money in the dot-com world and may understand our talent-based
economy better than anyone in the league. When asked about resigning
Finley, Cuban replied, “Making Michael Finley happy on a
day-to-day basis before we get to the off-season is my goal. When it
comes down to time to sign him, it’s already too late. If we don’t
communicate now with Mike to know what his goals and desires
are and how he wants to be treated, it’ll be too late.”38 Cuban had
no trouble resigning Finley.
That’s what you need to do as a leader in this economy. Know
and understand the needs and goals of your most talented people
6 / Chemistry: Trust First 157
because they are absolutely crucial to retain. Demonstrate appreciation
to everyone on your team because everyone has a role to play.
If people can’t do what you need them to do, get rid of them and
make room for others who can. When you show appreciation and
build strong relationships, you can push people to the heights of
performance. And they’ll deliver. Huggers win Super Bowls.
T H E H U D D L E
If you’re a builder:
• You’re good at extending trust, but don’t feel hurt if someone
you trust doesn’t come through for you. It’s probably not
personal.
• Don’t confuse liking someone with performance. You must
lead and make decisions based on performance, not how much
you like someone or how you want him or her to feel about
you. Dependability and reliability—your’s and others’—are
essential for nurturing trust on your team.
• You’re good at not micromanaging, but don’t become too lax.
You must hold people accountable for results, and you must
follow up. This will increase trust and good feeling, not detract
from them.
• Do whatever you can to promote strong peer relationships
on your team. Yet when there’s a dispute or egos clash, lay
down the law. Take corrective action as soon as you recognize
the problem.
• Show your appreciation for performance.
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If you’re a driver:
• Work harder at extending trust. If someone fails you, don’t
generalize that failure to others. Keep trying with other people.
• Stick with your people even if they make a few mistakes or
hit a little slump. If they performed before, they’ll perform
again—especially if you give them some extra support, listening,
and a vote of confidence.
• You’re likely to micromanage. Stop it. Set demanding goals
and standards but let people do their work. Show them you
trust them to perform.
• Do whatever you can to promote strong peer relationships on
your team. Let people’s egos come out a bit. Help people
relax, be themselves, and relate to each other without you in
the middle.
• Show your appreciation for who they are.
6 / Chemistry: Trust First 159
160 E N G A G I N G L E A D E R S W I N
7
161
C H A P T E R S E V E N
CHEMISTRY
Structure
“Why didn’t you hit a home run like I told you to? If you’re
not going to do what I tell you, what’s the use of
my being manager?”
—Groucho Marx, managing a celebrity softball team, to one of his players
THE STRUCTURE OF ENGAGEMENT
Think of chemistry as a car you want to drive. Structure is the
engine that motors you to your goals. Trust is the fuel that powers
the engine. Chemistry is the car because cars, like team chemistry,
are more than the sum of their parts. Cars have psychological and
social aspects to them, just like team chemistry. You need enough
car, and enough chemistry, to get you where you want to go. Sometimes
you’ll go in grand style; other times you’ll just barely make it
or break down.
Like fuel, trust enables you to power the structure you want to
implement. This car analogy breaks down, however, because usually
the more successful you become, the more trust you generate.
We’d all love it if gasoline would regenerate as we get closer to our
destinations—well, maybe the oil companies wouldn’t. With more
trust, more people will buy into your plan.
At its most basic, structure is about designing what tasks need
to be done, creating jobs to do them, and assigning them to people.
When people do their jobs dependably and that leads to success,
structure contributes to chemistry. Your organization structure depends
on the work you’re doing, your business strategy, operating
model, underlying systems, and size and customer requirements,
among other things. That’s a lot to consider, and it would take a
whole book to do it, so I’m not going to try. Instead, I’m going to
discuss the four elements of structure that impact most on becoming an
engaging leader: accountability, execution, roles, and rewards.
Sports shines a light on engaging people through structure because,
as I said earlier, the success models in each sport are pretty
much the same and haven’t changed in years. The infinite variety of
ways to succeed that exists in business doesn’t exist in sports. Stout
defense with just enough offense wins in baseball, basketball, hockey,
and football, unless you’re the Rams. So, structure varies by the personal
preferences of the leader and the talent he or she has.
That’s why I’m always fascinated to see coaches in the same
sport take very different approaches to structuring their teams. It reveals
so much about what they think they need to do to engage people
to win. We learn from them whether they’re right or wrong.
It’s well accepted now that your organization should be as flat
as possible. De-layering takes out costs, increases speed of decision
making, promotes communication, and enables more entrepreneurial
behavior. Excess hierarchy leads to unnecessary bureaucracy. In
addition, it conflicts with the values of baby boomers and the generations
that followed. These people increasingly prize meritocracy
and self-direction, so you need to justify every bit of hierarchy you
have. If you don’t, it seems like phony power or status and extra
cost and distance. Simply put, we have millions of people now who
question authority. It isn’t just Allen Iverson.
162 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
For this reason, pay attention to these three principles as you organize
for engagement:
1. Self-organization. The more you support people in creating their
own organizations—whether these are teams, networks, alliances,
processes, etc.—the more they’ll feel in charge of their
futures. When you dictate both the form and functions of your
organization, you take away self-control. High-performing
organizations encourage more self-control than system control.
Again, the absolute amount of self-control you can
allow depends on the work you do—it’s a lot different for a
research scientist than it is for a pilot or a nurse. But the
more, the better. You’ll know you went too far when you lose
consistency or make too many unforced errors.
2. Affinity. Left to their own devices, people will associate and
communicate with people whom they like and are like them.
We see this in the clubhouse or locker room, when pitchers
hang out with other pitchers, Spanish-speaking players hang
out with other Spanish speakers, and offensive lineman communicate
with each other in a language only they can understand.
This isn’t a bad thing. Engaging leaders use this to
their advantage by building on natural affinities to create
strong bonds. You can even challenge these subgroups to rise
to new levels of performance or take on a special assignment,
and they will based on bonding. But you have to make
sure these groups integrate with each other. In high-performing
organizations, subsystems talk to each other. If you
lose that, you just have a bunch of cliques.
3. Loose-tight. Whatever structure you create, leave room for
freedom inside it. The more structure you create, the more
7 / Chemistry: Structure 163
freedom you should have. Ideally, you should build a structure
that enables you to manage flexibility. Then you can really
master change. This is what Phil Jackson says he loves
about the triangle offense in basketball. It’s a highly systematized
way to create free-flowing shooting opportunities for
players. In some types of businesses, you can structure your
organization on values and leave room for individual decision
making within those values. In others, you may have
tight process control over service delivery or production but
establish other paths for people to suggest ways to change
and improve basic processes. High-performing organizations
balance structure and freedom.
ACCOUNTABILITY—DON’T GET
TOO COMFORTABLE
In the short-term world of business and sports, you have to win
right away. Accountability for instant success is everywhere (unless
you coach the Chicago Bulls). Pat Burns, a three-time NHL coach of
the year, found that out.
Burns, the coach of the Boston Bruins, was fired just eight games
into the 2000–2001 hockey season. The Bruins missed the playoffs
the year before, so Burns was on a short leash. Boston started by
winning three and tying one of its first four games. Then it went on
a western road trip and lost all four games. That was the end of
Burns. Mike Keenan, the ultimate “win at all costs” coach and an intimidating
driver, replaced him.
Keenan had coached many teams in the league and was successful
at all his stops. He also developed a well-deserved reputation
for fighting with team executives for more power. Seeing what
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was coming, Harry Sinden, the long-time president of the Bruins,
retired the next week. Keenan’s Bruins didn’t make the playoffs
either, and, appropriately enough, he was fired immediately after
the season.
Fifteen games into the 2000–2001 NBA season, with a record of
six wins and nine losses, the Seattle SuperSonics fired Coach Paul
Westphal. Westphal had a successful history as a pro coach, leading
the Phoenix Suns to the NBA finals in 1993 and the Sonics into the
playoffs in 1999–2000. However, the team got off to a poor start
amid internal fighting and insubordination.
Westphal actually offered to resign after four games, but the team
refused him. During the 12th game of the season, the coach got into
an on-court argument with star guard Gary Payton and suspended
him. The team president, Wally Walker, retracted the suspension
after Payton apologized. Usurped and under attack, the Sonics let
Westphal out of his misery a week later.1
Stories like this go on and on, and not just in sports. CEO turnover
is at an all-time high, despite a shortage of people to fill those
jobs. There even may be a shortage of people who want those jobs.
Just one year after taking over Coca-Cola and instituting huge
changes to get the soft drink giant back in a growth mode, Chairman
and CEO Douglas Daft found himself the subject of a Business
Week story2 questioning whether he was changing enough things as
quickly as necessary. With pressure like this, you have to be extraordinarily
strong-willed just to aspire to leadership.
It’s not just leaders who are under this intense pressure; everyone
feels it. For 13 years, Mark Grace played first base for the Cubs.
Though he didn’t hit with much power, he had more hits than anyone
in baseball during the 1990s and was a terrific fielder. Grace
loved the Cubs and the fans loved Grace. Still, after the Cubs had
two more dismal seasons in 1999 and 2000, the team decided it
7 / Chemistry: Structure 165
needed someone else. It also didn’t want to pay Grace what he
would have commanded to stay in Chicago for 2001.
Of course, the move backfired on the Cubs. They struggled at first
base all year and were forced to trade for Fred McGriff, who cost a
lot more than Grace. Grace went on to have a solid year for Arizona
and starred in the World Series. He got the first hit in the bottom of the
9th inning of game seven to start the Diamondbacks’ victory rally.
Things like this happen all the time in sports; that’s why athletes
have such good unions. Another Chicago athlete, former Bears
defensive tackle Mike Wells, summed it up nicely when he quoted
what one of his coaches told the team, “You will be tolerated as long
as it takes to replace you.” Wells said, “They’re always looking to
replace everybody. It would be silly to ever get comfortable.”3 After
a few good seasons with the Bears, Wells was replaced too.
There’s no evidence this kind of fear motivates large numbers
of employees. It sure hasn’t helped the Bears or Cubs for most of the
last century. Employees are no different than highly paid athletes
in this regard. Your people need to feel some level of personal security,
especially with all the pressure on them to perform. The most engaging
leaders demonstrate that mistakes are for learning, not for
punishing or avoiding. Once you start penalizing people for mistakes
or managing them so they don’t take risks, you drive innovation
out of your business. That’s a huge blunder.
On the other hand, you can’t allow mistakes to keep recurring.
Nor can you allow discipline to slip. When it comes to setting accountabilities
and executing against them, engaging leaders:
• Set a clear direction—your big goal
• Break the goal down into measurable results and then set
performance targets at excellence to get stretch results
166 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
• Assign individual or team accountabilities for these results
• Push hard to get the needed outcomes and reward success as
you get them
• Maintain firm discipline that sets an example so people learn
to discipline themselves
• Ease up as people show they’re meeting your standards
This instills the toughness in teams and people that winning requires.
It works in all performance endeavors, business as well as
sports, though how heavy-handed you can be in the way you do it
depends on the business you’re leading. In professional services
and other places with highly paid knowledge workers, you have to
take a lighter approach or your intellectual capital will walk out the
door. In manufacturing, sales, and distribution businesses, successful
CEOs often insist on more conformity and are quicker to address
people who don’t toe the line, though they can’t get away with the
way they managed ten years ago.
EXECUTE WITH EXCELLENCE
Executing with excellence takes three things: appropriate discipline,
attention to the right details, and a simple plan. These are the
basics. Winning requires you to be world class at doing the basics. When
you’re not, you won’t meet your goals and standards.
Stay Disciplined
Larry Robinson turned around the New Jersey Devils and led
them to the 2000 Stanley Cup by instilling a stronger sense of order
7 / Chemistry: Structure 167
and teamwork. Scott Stevens, the team captain, said, “The biggest
thing Larry brought is discipline. He got everyone playing as a
team, not individuals.”4
Robinson approached this in a calm, building style and the immediacy
of the playoffs created urgency to right things quickly. He
ran tough practices and focused on winning through outstanding
defense. He worked with players individually, helping them focus
on their strengths. These methods earned everyone’s trust. However,
when the situation called for it, Robinson raised his voice to
previously unheard volumes.
During a crucial loss in the Eastern Conference finals, Robinson
saw the team “dogging it,” playing lazily and letting victory slip
away. In the locker-room after the game, the mild-mannered Robinson
started screaming so loudly people could hear him across the
building. “It was just something I felt had to be done. I would’ve
hated to have that series end knowing they had not given their
best,” said Robinson.5
Apparently it worked. The players described it as “shocking but
effective,” and they went on to win the Cup.
This is a great example of appropriate discipline, especially for
a builder—setting the tone and enforcing rules with composure and
intensity, while letting loose with genuine anger when people cross
critical boundaries. Of course, the emotion should be celebration
when things go right, just as easily as it could be scolding when
things go wrong. People respect genuine displays of feeling as long
as you’re not constantly criticizing them or flashing your ego. If you
do that, people will tune you out.
It is possible to keep your emotions at a high pitch all the time
and be a successful leader, but it’s much harder to do. The few executives
I’ve seen succeed with this style show far more raging enthusiasm
and love than disparagement or disapproval. This allows
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them to be critical when they need to be. But most people aren’t
built this way. The natural tendency for more people seems to be
quieter or more negative, with not enough caring and optimism.
Negativity discourages people and saps their motivation.
Details,Details,Details
Attention to details is the second part of proper execution, as
well as a characteristic of outstanding leadership. Even “big picture”
leaders have to watch the details. If they don’t, details will destroy
them. Which details you attend to is a function of the system
or model you use to run your business. Don’t micromanage, delegate.
But keep a close eye on what counts.
Bill Belichick led the surprising New England Patriots to the
Super Bowl with a fanatical eye on defensive details. His team entered
the game as huge underdogs to the offensive juggernaut
known as the St. Louis Rams. It emerged victorious by doing what
very few teams had done all season, stopping the Rams score-atwill
offense.
Belichick has a huge reputation as a defensive genius, built on a
foundation of creativity and detailed preparation. He programs defensive
schemes the way most teams diagram offensive plays. He
shows opposing offenses vastly different looks depending on how
the offense lines up, trying to confuse them. His teams learn many
more defenses per game than most football teams to achieve his
goal of disrupting the competition.
Yet through all of this complexity, Belichick keeps simplicity and
focus uppermost. “You have to have enough so you can counter
your opponent, but keep it simple enough so your players can execute.”
6 After putting in all these plays, Belichick then “compresses”
7 / Chemistry: Structure 169
them by grouping them and making them easy to remember. One
of his players, Terrell Buckley, said, “It’s a common sense defense
that uses lots of groupings, and they get it across and make you feel
like it’s not on you but you are involved. We get to suggest things.
We retain it.”7
Contrast this with the playbook Miami Heat players get every
year from Pat Riley. Before the 2000–2001 season Riley presented his
team with a 257-page-playbook—in a league where some teams
don’t even have one. It’s so big, some of the players couldn’t understand
or remember it. A star player, Eddie Jones, said, “I’ve had
some textbooks that long in college. But I don’t think the ones [playbooks]
I’ve had every year could amount to that.”8 It didn’t help
much. The Heat flamed out early in the playoffs that year. Details
for details’ sake just weigh too heavily on people. Figure out what
your critical success factors are, pay close attention to them and do
what it takes to get your team to execute them. Leave the minutiae
alone to be handled by others.
Keep It Simple
The last part of execution is simplicity. Simple is best. When Jim
O’Brien took over the Celtics and started them winning, he made
things easier on the players. One of his star players, Paul Pierce,
said, “He simplified our scheme. He’s not playing as many people
as before, he’s not pressing as much, and sticks to one game plan.
That makes us execute better rotations because we keep fewer
things in mind.”9
The Utah Jazz has taken this philosophy to extremes—with
tremendous success. Jerry Sloan has run the same, simple pick-androll
offense since he took over as coach in 1988. The pick-and-roll is
170 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
a basketball play you teach kids in junior high school. Using this
constant scheme and strong defense, Sloan has won nearly 64 percent
of his games and made the playoffs every year. He reached the
NBA finals in 1997 and 1998, only to lose to Michael Jordan and the
Bulls.
Sloan has the longest tenure with the same team of any coach in
any pro sport. Because the NBA averages more than ten coaching
changes a year, this is more than remarkable. It’s also a tribute to
how simplicity and consistency enables you to execute superbly
and win.
It helps Sloan and Utah that the cornerstones of the team, Karl
Malone and John Stockton, have been together since 1985. Continuity
makes everything easier. That’s why a leader who churns personnel
has so much difficulty getting people to execute consistently.
Stockton is the NBA’s all-time assists leader, and he starts the pickand-
roll on offense. Usually, the ball ends up with Malone, who has
become the second leading scorer in NBA history by completing the
play for a basket. One reason the Jazz have this consistency is because
Malone and Stockton love playing for Sloan.
On the other hand, trying to do too much almost always gets
you in trouble. The Cleveland Browns and Chicago Bears suffered
from the same disease of trying to do too much on offense during
the 2000 season. Coaches Chris Palmer of the Browns and Dick Jauron
of the Bears both came from the Jacksonville Jaguars who ran a
complex passing scheme. The scheme depended on the quarterback
and the receivers making adjustments while they ran their routes,
depending on how the receivers were covered by the defense. The
Jags had enough good talent at quarterback and wide receiver to
make it work for a while. The Browns and Bears put in similar
plans, but neither team had the players to execute this scheme and
lost most of their games.
7 / Chemistry: Structure 171
Palmer was fired after the 2000 season. His replacement, Butch
Davis, brought in a new offensive coordinator whose first pronouncement
was, “The Browns’ offense will be going from French
to Spanish.”10 He was trying to say his receivers were going to have
defined routes, instead of choices to make while the play was happening.
This simplified and improved the offense.
Fortunately, the Bears came to the same conclusion. Near the
end of another disastrous season, the offensive coordinator left,
much to the relief of Bears’ players and fans. His replacement also
simplified the passing schemes and the Bears improved right away
Superior execution starts with a simple plan that you keep trying
to outperform. As one of my clients likes to say, “Success means
never being satisfied.” Keep it simple and stay hungry to do better.
ROLES: SHINING STARS
Face it, not everyone on your team is a star. There are only so
many Michael Jordans or Derek Jeters. This doesn’t diminish your
team or you. It doesn’t mean you’re less effective as a builder or a
driver. No matter how carefully you select or how skillfully you develop
people, they will perform differently at various times.
You are far better off if your team is comprised of the necessary number
of stars and complementary role players who know their jobs, do them
well, and step up their performance from time to time. You can tailor
your performance demands and your development plans accordingly.
Your stars are the 10 to 20 percent who really shine, and your
role players are the other 70 to 80 percent who are solid citizens. Just
make sure the 10 percent at the bottom don’t drag people down
with them. As Casey Stengel said, “The secret of managing is to keep
the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided.”11
172 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
It’s pretty clear that the great teams of the last several years had
the requisite number of stars—two or three in basketball, six to eight
in baseball, and 12 to 15 in football—supported by very competent
teammates. If your stars are up to the challenge, and if one of them
is a great closer, this is a winning formula and a great way to think
about the roles on your team.
Leading this way requires you to:
• Build the right relationships with the right stars and expect
them to be peer leaders
• Get rid of a star that doesn’t fit the position or get him or her
out of the leader’s role
• Make sure everyone knows their roles and accountabilities
and embraces them
• Get rid of people who won’t accept their roles
People crave role clarity, and engaging leaders provide it. At the
same time, if someone only wants to perform to the limits of his or
her role and won’t reach out to accept other responsibilities, that’s
a danger sign. This person probably is of limited use because you
have to continually upgrade your team’s performance. You need
people who accept the ambiguity that goes with doing business and
will raise their efforts to meet increased demands. This is a sign
they’re fully engaged.
You also need the stars on your team to be peer leaders. Peer leaders
set the example for your team regarding work ethic, taking direction,
pushing for excellence, remaining calm under pressure, and
getting things done. With an effective peer leader, you can commu-
7 / Chemistry: Structure 173
nicate your goals, set standards, get buy-in, and execute. They also
help you build trust and chemistry.
Larry Brown believed Allan Iverson’s emergence as the team
leader was why the Sixers became the best team in the NBA’s Eastern
Conference in 2000–2001. “He’s accepted his responsibility.
That’s the only way a coach can succeed in this league—if your best
players set the standards.”12 Your stars help set the tone for whether
others will follow you. If you don’t have that kind of peer leader,
you had better get one.
Brown probably went a bit too far in his description. You have
to set the standards, but if you can do that together with your stars,
you’ll get higher performance. When they’re not interested in that,
you’ll lose.
Shaquille O’Neal knew this too. During the Lakers’ troubles
in 2000–2001, he said, “You can’t be a good leader if you don’t
have good listeners.”13 O’Neal was frustrated trying to get Kobe
Bryant to play Phil Jackson’s system. To O’Neal, Bryant was a “lone
ranger” who didn’t want to follow and had a destructive impact on
the team.
Some critics felt Cubs’ star Sammy Sosa seemed more interested
in his own statistics, fame, and contract than leading the team to
victory in 1999 and 2000. It didn’t help Don Baylor to start his
tenure as Cubs manager in 2000 by insulting Sosa’s fielding. Sosa’s
very proud and thought Baylor was blaming him for the Cubs’
problems. He didn’t help Baylor assume team leadership, and by
2002 Baylor was fired.
If your star performer isn’t the right type of leader, you’re in
trouble. This was the Seattle SuperSonics’ problem in 2000–2001.
Despite a change of coaches and a new approach, the volatile Gary
Payton created problems for the team all season. Even with a lot of
talent, the Sonics missed the playoffs in 2000–2001.
174 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
Nate McMillan, a friend and former teammate of Payton’s, tried
being positive when he took over for Paul Westphal. While Westphal
was highly critical of some of the players—he spoke publicly
of trading Payton and said coaching Vin Baker was like root
canal14—McMillan took the opposite approach. When asked about
trading Payton, McMillan said, “Why would you want to move a
guy who is the top guard in the league? I know he loves Seattle and
wants to be part of the organization.”15
The players responded by going 38–29 under McMillan but there
still were plenty of problems with Payton. McMillan suspended
Payton after a fight with a teammate, and this time the team let it
stick. Payton’s behavior set the tone for the rest of the team and the
in-fighting continued for most of the season. It didn’t seem to ebb
until the Sonics gave McMillan a four-year contract that established
his authority. After that, even Payton seemed to settle down and
take a more positive peer leadership role, at least for a while.
Your peer leaders have to be positive role models. If not, get rid
of them. At the very least, move them out of leadership roles if you
can. This isn’t easy to do because whether it’s your smartest engineer,
most creative marketer, or strongest litigator, your team will
suffer a short-term performance drop. Then it will reorganize around
other people. In the long term, if you help the right people move
into peer leader roles, you’ll be able to impose your standards, other
team members will become more positive, chemistry will improve,
and results will increase.
Peer leaders arise on every team. You’d be hard pressed to reach
long-term success without good ones. Find the right people and
help them become peer leaders. It will enable you to engage everyone.
As former baseball manager Sparky Anderson, who won World
Series titles in both leagues, said when his team just traded for a
new star player, “I just got a whole lot smarter.”
7 / Chemistry: Structure 175
WHAT DOES MONEY HAVE TO DO WITH IT?
There’s no simple answer to how money affects talent and how
you should use it to motivate and reward people. To some people,
it’s everything; to others, it’s only one factor, although a very critical
one, in where and how they choose to work. Former baseball
owner Bill Veeck, who last owned a team at the beginning of the
free agency era in baseball, thought it was all-important, probably
because he never had very much of it. Once he was asked if free
agents leaned toward playing in big cities. He replied, “Not really.
They lean toward cash.”16
Many years later Kendall Gill once again confirmed Veeck’s
judgement. Before the 2000–2001 season, the veteran guard/forward
had a chance to sign with the Lakers and compete for a championship
for $2.5 million, or stay with the losing New Jersey Nets for $7
million. “My ego was telling me championship, but in the end, I
made a sound financial decision,” said Gill.17 Gill got his money, but
the Lakers beat the Nets again. Gill played in only 31 games after
suffering a knee injury early in the year.
On the other hand, some stars take less to play for a particular
team. In 2001, Mark McGwire re-signed with the Cardinals for two
years and $30 million, considered well below his market value, because
he loved the fans, the team, and playing for Tony LaRussa.
McGwire said, “I don’t want to be anywhere else.”18 McGwire then
retired halfway through the contract because he was hurt, couldn’t
perform up to his standards, and didn’t want to take money he didn’t
deserve. Ken Griffey, Jr. also signed for less than market value to return
to his hometown of Cincinnati and his beloved Reds.
Though you’re unlikely to offer anyone $30 million for two
years, here are some lessons about money and motivation as you
try to engage talent in this mobile economy.
176 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
First, understand what motivates people. You can only do that by
listening to them and hearing what’s in their hearts. McGwire didn’t
even want to talk to other teams. Griffey had only one objective—
to get back home. In contrast, Alex Rodriguez signed with the Texas
Rangers in 2001, a bad team he had never considered joining, because
they overwhelmed him with money.
Second, remember everyone’s different. People do things for their
own reasons, not for anyone else’s; so pay attention to their reasons.
Greed drives a lot of behavior, but so do other things. Stephon Marbury
left the winning Timberwolves for the Nets for the same
amount of money the T’Wolves offered. Marbury couldn’t stand the
thought of not being “the man” in Minnesota—the highest paid
player. That designation would always belong to Kevin Garnett,
whose $126 million contract led to the NBA lockout and new, reduced
salary structure.
Third, listen to Bill Veeck. “It isn’t the high price of stars that is
expensive, it’s the high price of mediocrity.”19 Pay your stars a lot but
don’t overpay the rest. Pay your best performers as much as you can.
It won’t hurt you; even Garnett’s giant contract turned out to be a
pretty good deal for his team because he’s worth it. You get into trouble
when you shell out too much for people who can’t drive results.
No one yet has figured out a foolproof way to pay for performance,
but several companies have figured out smart approaches.
One of my favorites is a company that every year identifies its top
30 percent of employees. It makes sure these people are well paid
and cared for and that they know it. If they hear someone in this 30
percent group is unhappy or looking around for a new job, they
speak with the person right away about what’s necessary to keep
him or her. They simply try to stay market competitive with the
other 70 percent. If these people get better offers, the company usually
lets them go rather than overpay.
7 / Chemistry: Structure 177
Fourth, have somebody ready to take over just in case you can’t
come to an agreement. Successful companies, like winning teams,
almost always have somebody prepared and waiting to replace
someone who wants to move on. Most of the best employers do
their promoting from within the ranks. Engaging leaders make a
heavy investment in and have effective processes for selection
and development—the keys to talent management. Otherwise,
you’re always scrambling to plug holes, and that’s no way to get
ahead.
IT’S MONEY THAT MATTERS
There’s an acronym in the compensation consulting business:
GOOBER. It means Greed Obscures Other Believable Executive Rationale.
After what we’ve seen with Enron, Tyco, WorldCom, and
other companies, who could disagree? In fact, corporate executives
and professional athletes like to use each other as justification for
their high salaries. CEOs try to say their skills are unique, like pro
stars, so they should be paid more or they can’t do a good job. Of
course, when you ask them if they’ll work harder or smarter if you
pay them more, they say they’re already working as hard and as
smart as they can. Athletes like to take the big money from their
bosses, many of whom run or used to run corporations, and then
say no one pays to watch the bosses play.
Financial largess only causes a problem when it gets in the way of
winning. Alex Rodriquez signed the largest contract in baseball history
with Texas before the 2001 season and his contract caused lots
of problems for other teams. Maybe that was another plus for the
Rangers. Surprisingly, nobody on the Rangers complained, probably
figuring they’d get theirs some day.
178 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
Gary Sheffield of the Dodgers screamed loudly. He insisted it
wasn’t the money; of course, no one believed him. He wanted a big
contract extension from the Dodgers or he wanted to be traded.
Sheffield had a contract for three more years at $10 million a year,
but with Rodriquez at $25 million, Sheffield thought he was getting
cheated. Sheffield said, “It isn’t about money, it’s about the disrespect
I’ve had to deal with since I came here.”20
The Dodgers were astounded. They passed on chasing Rodriquez
thinking Sheffield was happy—he had a fabulous year in 2000—
and spent a lot of money on pitching instead. The Dodgers said
they were in a state of shock over Sheffield and tried hard to move
him. They wanted equal value, but other teams figured he wasn’t
worth the trouble. This wasn’t the first time he’d acted out. Seattle
Mariners’ chairman Howard Lincoln called him “a mean-spirited
man who has trouble understanding contractual obligation.”21
Sheffield’s act disrupted the Dodgers’ spring training. Once he
realized no one wanted him, he retracted his demands and apologized
to the team.
Sheffield wasn’t alone in whining over Rodriquez’s money.
White Sox star Frank Thomas, runner-up as AL MVP in 2000, also
pouted and left camp in an ill-advised holdout. Thomas wanted
long-term security, so in 1997 he signed a seven-year deal worth up
to a possible $85 million with options and incentives. His salary for
2001 was “only” about $8 million, and he claimed he was “embarrassed”
to be paid so little.22
Thomas’s walkout was so ill conceived two of his veteran teammates
tried to convince him to stay. Thomas didn’t get his contract
revised and came back to camp a few days later. In what may have
been a first in sports, Thomas’s agents resigned after the episode,
saying they couldn’t deal with someone like him.
7 / Chemistry: Structure 179
Jealousy is part of human nature, but a big cause of these problems
is that there doesn’t seem to be much rhyme or reason to how
teams spend. Many companies do such a bad job of communicating
how and why they pay people, employees get jealous of one another,
and I’m not talking about multimillion dollar salaries. Most
surveys suggest that less than half of employees think they’re paid
appropriately for what they contribute to their companies. Less
than half also think their companies do a good job of explaining
how pay is determined.23
In fact, it’s often not the amount of pay that bothers people but
how pay decisions are made and how little we know about them.
Think about golf. No one seems to complain about what golfers earn
because they’re out there making it by themselves, based solely on
what they accomplish. Even those who get hefty endorsements,
corporate outings, and appearance fees only receive them because
of what they’ve achieved. It’s pure pay for performance.
That’s the secret of any good pay plan. But it’s easier said than
done. Like your own golf game, you’ll spend a lot of time trying to
get pay right, but it will never be perfect. Still, keep at it. Four more
things you should do to engage people through pay are:
1. Don’t overpay. It’ll put you out of business, or at least force
you to get rid of people as a way of cutting costs. Some of
these people likely will be ones you really need. Make sure
you select for fit. That’s key to getting outstanding performance
in the first place.
2. Avoid gross inequities in pay on your team. Unless someone
stands way above all the rest in performance, so much so
that everyone else recognizes it, keep pay levels within a
close range for similar responsibilities. Don’t pay everyone
180 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
the same, but pay is no longer a secret; people talk about it
all the time. If one person gets a lot more without being a
much bigger contributor, you’ll have problems.
3. Explain your pay process. Surveys repeatedly show people
don’t understand why they’re paid what they’re paid. This
causes lots of dissatisfaction, even when people are happy
with pay levels. This is one area where you can’t communicate
too much. Satisfaction with pay goes up with more communication
about the pay process, even when you don’t pay
people more. Also, it’s a lot cheaper than raising pay.
4. Keep pay from being a distraction. You want people to understand
why they’re getting what they’re getting, but don’t
overemphasize it. If you do, you increase the chances that
people will lose focus on what they’re supposed to be doing.
At times, companies raise pay issues when they don’t have
to, or even use pay as the main management tool. Then it’s
all anyone wants to think about.
WINNING OVER WHINING
In my experience, a climate of trust and people of strong character
win out over money every time. Some companies feel if they pay
everybody near the top of the market, then they shouldn’t have
to deal with the human side of the business. Leaders may think
they’re doing a great job if they fight hard to get every penny they
can for their people and blame the company publicly if they don’t
get all they want. These companies and leaders are wrong.
You can win for years with average pay if you have strong leadership
and chemistry. Powerful chemistry and good relationships
7 / Chemistry: Structure 181
will keep talented people who want to win. If you really engage
them, people will go out of their way to perform because of their
loyalty to you. If people want to work for you, they’ll factor this into
their thinking about whether to come to work or stay. This is a
dollars-and-cents reason why your reputation as a leader and an
employer is so crucial. You can determine how much your reputation
is worth by how much it saves you in compensation.
A great example of this is the 2001 World Champion Diamondbacks.
To bring a winner to Arizona quickly, owner Jerry Colangelo
spent a lot of money on talent in the team’s first years. The D’Backs
won the NLWest title in 1999, their second season, but fell to third
place in 2000. Attendance dropped and cash flow became so tight
Colangelo had to take out loans from baseball and do cash calls on
his partners.
The players have genuine fondness for Colangelo and talk about
what a great person he is to work for and be around. When Colangelo’s
financial problems mounted, he approached several players
and asked for help in deferring large amounts of their salaries for
2001. Ten of the highest-paid players quickly agreed. “This is so far
different from the norm,” said Colangelo. “I think it goes back to the
players we selected. We really did try to pick some people with
character.”24 Pitcher Brian Anderson, one of the ten, added, “You
can talk about how much you love the team, but you’re in a situation
where you put up or shut up. Are you a team guy?”25
The number one pay issue for employees is fairness. This doesn’t
mean you should pay everyone equally. It means people should understand
how your pay system works and feel rewarded for their
contributions. Moreover, remember not all rewards are financial. A
great work environment is fabulously enriching to many people.
You can’t buy trust and appreciation, but if you build them, they’ll
get you outstanding talent and probably save you some money.
182 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
T H E H U D D L E
If you’re a builder:
• You’re more likely to enable self-organization, affinity, and
loose-tight structures. Be sure to have enough structure so
you can organize work and work processes, control variance,
and create efficiency.
• You have more difficulty with accountability than drivers do.
Set high standards, stick to them, and don’t shrink from providing
timely consequences—positive and negative—as
appropriate.
• Stay disciplined and don’t be afraid to show some strong
emotions as the situation and your feelings call for them.
Often, a display of genuine anger by a builder shocks employees
into higher performance.
• You tend to encourage peer leaders. This is great, but take decisive
action with them when they aren’t performing. You
tend to worry too much about their feelings.
• Use pay to distinguish rewards for performance. Paying
everyone about the same sends all the wrong messages unless
your performance data support it.
If you’re a driver:
• You like structure but don’t overdo it. Give people the autonomy
they need to perform. Remember, ultimately, it’s people’s
behaviors, not your structure, that creates high
performance.
7 / Chemistry: Structure 183
• You may be very good at execution—setting a plan and performing
against it—but you tend to get too far down into the
details and insist to a fault that people do things a certain
way. Before you do that, make sure it’s necessary. Otherwise,
you won’t get the ingenuity you need for innovation.
• Watch out for building too much fear into the work atmosphere.
Your intense drive for results can lead people to high
performance but it can also lead people to focus too much on
what the negative consequences might be for failure. “Trying
easier” usually gets better results.
• You may need to do a more effective job of encouraging peer
leaders, especially among people who are different from you.
You’ll benefit by getting input and influence from a more diverse
group of thinkers.
• Explain your pay decisions. Make sure people know why
they’re getting what they’re getting and how to improve their
performance and increase their rewards.
184 T H E E N G A G I N G L E A D E R
185
C O N C L U S I O N
THE IMPORTANCE OF
BEING ENGAGING
I started this book in early 2001, put it aside for a while to concentrate
on client work, and finished the first draft in late fall. Like
all Americans, and many people throughout the world, 9/11
changed my perspective. I wondered whether a book on leadership
that relied on sports was very relevant; it’s certainly not the most
serious book you can read. Then a few things happened. I saw the
torrent of layoffs after the terrorist attack and I watched people rallying
around sports to raise their spirits, particularly the brilliant
2001 World Series. I realized these ideas still could be worthwhile.
In the talent shortage of 2000, companies were scrambling to become
better places to work. CEOs called me every day to ask how
to change their organizations. I told them my research and experience
said there were several key factors in becoming a great employer.
By far, the most crucial one is leadership. Engaging leaders
create terrific places for people, even when the compensation, benefits,
training, or workplace amenities are just OK. Then the recession
came and it was business as usual at most places. It seemed
like companies were fighting to get to the head of the line to see
who could lay off the most people first.
Layoffs crush people and are self-defeating, especially during
recession and war. What better way to slow the economy down and
keep it there than to cut thousands of jobs? It’s the ultimate selffulfilling
prophecy: business is off so we get rid of people who then
can no longer buy our stuff leading business to fall even further.
Unfortunately, by 2002, whole industries had shrunk to where they
were back in 1997. Many companies had to get smaller and maybe
layoffs were unavoidable in certain instances—even a few of the
most enlightened leaders turned to them as a last resort.
Still, my unyielding admiration goes to those brave executives
who avoid layoffs, sometimes to the point of great personal loss.
These are the most engaging leaders of all. Far too many companies
resort to mass firings, not only when things go bad, but when
there’s a hint that they won’t be able to keep increasing their profits.
These leaders never get it, or don’t care. They think they can win
without their players.
Of course, in America, the “what have you done for me lately?”
economy is here to stay. It cuts both ways—for employees and companies.
Even during the 2002 recession, unemployment never got
close to the high levels we usually see. Leaders who laid off scores
of people are going to have to change how they manage and do a
lot of repair work to their reputations as businesses start to grow
again. Talented people will be harder to get and keep than ever. The
majority of managers don’t know how to create conditions that
inspire people to commit to their work and their goals. Few employees
feel real loyalty. There’s enormous opportunity to build
workplaces where people can feel alive and joyful, learn new skills
and grow, and make significant contributions to business results.
186 C O N C L U S I O N
With this challenge ahead, executives need new information
and proven ideas presented in new ways to help them become better
leaders. Engaging leadership is vital. You engage people by
adopting leadership behaviors that reconcile, or at least balance,
your natural style with its opposite. I know you’re not going to
change your total approach; I don’t want you to even try. But most
of us can broaden our behaviors somewhat to be much more effective.
If you can’t, stop trying to lead people.
Now, at the end of 2002, as I put the finishing touches on this
book, I continue to see the immense value of engaging leadership.
In a tougher business environment, leaders who can’t engage their
followers and lead them to success are falling hard and fast. In
Chicago, where I live, two of the city’s most famous companies are
paying the price for disengaged leadership. United Airlines, once
the largest airline in the world, plunged into bankruptcy after years
of management mistakes, lack of focus, poor service, and alienated
workers. An employee stock ownership plan, designed to save the
company, failed miserably when leaders didn’t involve employeeowners
in the business, even though they held the majority of the
stock. Near the end, key groups of employees were so angry that
they refused to make further concessions to stave off bankruptcy. At
the same time, the chairman of McDonald’s was forced to resign
years ahead of schedule. He couldn’t deliver reliable profits while
leaping from strategy to strategy and avoiding tough decisions. His
consensus-building style and lack of versatility prevented him from
taking strong actions quickly enough, though his board and franchisees
demanded them. To win in every business, leaders must
engage through versatility, assemble great talent, create focus and
direction, and build chemistry through trust and structure. With
new, more effective leadership, these two huge organizations should
survive and move forward. Their underlying assets have great
C O N C L U S I O N 187
value, demand for their products is still robust, and the right leaders
will get employees, customers, and shareholders smiling again.
But the greatest test of engaging leadership still lies ahead. Recently,
Dusty Baker, one of the most engaging leaders in sports, signed on
to manage the Cubs. If Baker can turn around an almost century-old
culture of losing, then we’ll see the unstoppable power of engaging
leadership. Engaging your team should be easy compared to that.
188 C O N C L U S I O N
189
A P P E N D I X A
HOW ENGAGING
ARE YOU?
The Engaging Leader Index
© Gubman Consulting
This short inventory is designed to help you understand your
leadership tendencies toward the driver or builder style and how
engaging you are. Please circle the item in each pair that is most like
you or most appeals to you. Some items may seem similar, but it’s
usually best to go with the first thing that comes to mind. Instructions
for calculating your score follow this section.
1A. Answers
1B. Solutions
2A. Systematic
2B. Swift
3A. Insightful
3B. Decisive
4A. Calm
4B. Controlled
5A. Aggressive
5B. Assertive
6A. Determined
6B. Tolerant
7A. Numbers
7B. Reasons
8A. Diligent
8B. Firm
9A. Relationships
9B. Facts
10A. Future
10B. Now
11A. Restrained
11B. Easy-going
12A. Diplomatic
12B. Disciplined
13A. Talkative
13B. Responsive
14A. Competitive
14B. Obliging
15A. Efficient
15B. Adaptable
16A. Persistent
16B. Eager
17A. Adaptable
17B. Goal-driven
18A. Persuasive
18B. Humble
19A. Principles
19B. Decisions
20A. Respect
20B. Victory
21A. What
21B. Why
22A. How
22B. When
23A. Rules
23B. Freedom
24A. Investments
24B. Returns
25A. Direction
25B. Guidance
26A. Progress
26B. People
27A. Motivations
27B. Incentives
28A. Philosophical
28B. Pragmatic
29A. Planful
29B. Improvisational
30A. Learning
30B. Doing
190 A P P E N D I X A
191
A P P E N D I X B
YOUR ENGAGING
LEADER SCORE
© Gubman Consulting
This score sheet will tell you how you described yourself on the
Engaging Leader Index. You can see how much you prefer the
driver or builder style. You also can see how engaging you are.
Circle each item that you selected on the Engaging Leader
Index. Be careful because the A’s and B’s change columns as you
move down the sheet. Next, count the number of items you circled
in each column. The column with the higher score is your primary
style. Subtract the lower score from the higher score. If you have a
difference of ten or more between your higher score and lower
score, you probably rely on that style to the exclusion of the other.
If the difference between the scores is between five and nine, you
can be engaging when you want to be. If the difference score is four
or less, you may be quite engaging.
1A 1B
2B 2A
3B 3A
4B 4A
5A 5B
6A 6B
7A 7B
8B 8A
9B 9A
10B 10A
11A 11B
12B 12A
13A 13B
14A 14B
15A 15B
16B 16A
17B 17A
18A 18B
19B 19A
20B 20A
21A 21B
22B 22A
23A 23B
24B 24A
25A 25B
26A 26B
27B 27A
28B 28A
29A 29B
30B 30A
Driver= Builder=
High score − Low score = How engaging you are:____
(The lower the difference, the more engaging you are.)
192 A P P E N D I X B
193
N O T E S
Chapter 1
1. David Halberstam, Playing for Keeps (New York: Random House,
1999), 250.
2. Paul Dickson, Baseball’s Greatest Quotations (New York: Harper
Collins, 1991), 417.
3. Halberstam, Playing for Keeps.
4. Douglas McGregor, Human Side of Enterprise (New York: McGraw-
Hill, 1960).
5. “The Clock Is Ticking on the Basketball Life of Riley,” Chicago Tribune,
January 14, 2001.
6. “Vikings’ Captain Survives Storms,” Chicago Tribune, August 22,
2000.
7. “Angry Moss Says Vikings Unprepared,” The New York Times,
January 15, 2001.
8. “How Bryant and O’Neal Put Teamwork Ahead of Feuding,”
The New York Times, June 5, 2001.
9. “Mellowed Piniella Seeks Second Title,” USA Today, October 9,
2001.
10. “Mariners Are Quick to Credit Piniella,” The New York Times,
October 8, 2000.
11. Kansas City Chiefs team page, TheSportingNews.com, October 9,
2001.
12. Leadershipnow.com, M2 Communications.
13. Center for Creative Leadership, Leadership in Action, Vol. 18,
1998.
14. “Manager’s Food Supply Energizes the Giants,” The New York
Times, July 15, 2000.
15. Ibid.
16. “Unlikely Leader,” Chicago Tribune, January 31, 2001.
17. Advertisement, The New York Times, September 16, 2001.
18. Newsroom, Clevelandbrowns.com, January 12, 2001.
19. “More Teachers, Fewer Screamers among NFL’s Coaches,” The
New York Times, August 19, 2001.
20. Portland Trail Blazers team page, The SportingNews.com, October
19, 2001.
21. “Mariners Are Quick to Credit Piniella.”
22. “Bulls Notes,” Chicago Tribune, November 20, 2000.
23. “A Changed Dr. Doom Returns,” The New York Times, September
15, 2002.
Chapter 2
1. “Playoff Payoff,” Chicago Tribune, March 12, 2001.
2. Peter Drucker, Management Challenges for the 21st Century (New
York: HarperBusiness, 2001).
3. Employment Policy Foundation, The American Workplace Report
2001: Building America’s Workforce for the 21st Century, Washington, D.C.,
August 29, 2001.
4. Department of Labor, “A Century of Change: The U.S. Labor
Force, 1950–2050” Monthly Labor Review, May, 2002, Vol. 125, No. 5.
5. “The 100 Best Companies to Work For,” Fortune, February 4,
2002, Vol. 145, No. 3.
6. “Most American Workers Satisfied with Their Job,” Gallup Poll
Analyses, August 31, 2001.
7. “Effective Managers Must Evolve Their Generational Stereotypes,”
Findings from the 2001 Randstad North American Employee Review,
September 2001.
8. “The Towers Perrin Talent Report,” Towers Perrin, August 31,
2001.
9. “Brenly’s Gambles Help Propel Arizona to NLCS,” USA Today,
October 16, 2001.
10. “The Tough Work of Turning a Team Around,” Harvard Business
Review, November-December, 2000, Vol. 78, No. 6.
194 N O T E S
Chapter 3
1. “Giants Step to the Top of the NL,” USA Today, September 27,
2000.
2. “Good Managing Makes Player Deals Pay Off,” The New York
Times, October 22, 2000.
3. “One-Year Wonders,” Chicago Tribune, January 18, 2001.
4. Michael Treacy and Fred Wiersema, The Discipline of Market Leaders
(Boston: Addison-Wesley, 1992).
5. “Strong Pitching Pushes Cardinals,” USA Today, September 13,
2000.
6. Speech to Marathon Ashland Petroleum dealers, Grosse Pointe,
MI, September 11, 2000.
7. “In the Oakland A’s, Some Lessons for Silicon Valley,” The New
York Times, October 1, 2000.
8. “High Roller,” ESPN, The Magazine, April 2, 2001.
9. “The A’s Front Office Makes Grade with Trades,” The Sporting
News, August 6, 2001.
10. Yankees-Mariners game report, ESPN.com, October 22, 2001.
11. “Yankees Know How to Play the Game off the Field, Too,” The
New York Times, November 30, 2000.
12. “Gannon Finds Home with Once-Hated Raiders,” USA Today,
December 14, 2000.
13. “49ers’ Renaissance Gathers Steam,” Chicago Tribune, October
25, 2001.
14. Ibid.
15. “Vikings Draft Tendencies: Hits on Offense, Misses on Defense,”
Minneapolis StarTribune, April 16, 2001.
16. “Black Cloud Blankets Bengals,” USA Today, November 8, 2000.
17. “Can Jackson Get Lakers to Rebound?” USA Today, February 12,
2001.
18. “Iverson a Brand New Man,” USA Today, November 22, 2000.
19. “Lakers Not Ready for Second Run at Title,” USA Today, January
18, 2001.
20. “Ex-Bulls No Longer Producing,” Chicago Tribune, January 24,
2001.
N O T E S 195
21. “The Golf Digest Interview: Phil Mickelson,” Golf Digest, January,
2001, Vol. 52, No. 1.
22. “The Golf Digest Interview: Vijay Singh,” Golf Digest, April,
2001, Vol. 52, No. 4.
23. “Basketball Notes,” Chicago Tribune, April 4, 2001.
24. Speech to Marathon Ashland Petroleum dealers.
25. “Haslett Is Saints Keystone,” USA Today, January 3, 2001.
26. Ibid.
27. “Perceived Lack of Communication Dooms Mueller,”
ESPN.com, May 12, 2002.
28. “The Odd Couple,” Chicago Tribune, January 25, 2001.
29. “Ravens Talk Talk, Walk Walk,” USA Today, January 8, 2001.
30. “From the Beginning, Pitino Was Blinded by His Ego,” The
Sporting News, January 8, 2001.
31. “Ravens Talk Talk, Walk Walk.”
32. Three Bears radio show, WGN Radio 720, September 29, 2001.
33. “The Odd Couple.”
34. Sign outside Michael Jordan store, United Airlines Terminal,
O’Hare Field
35. “New York Capitalizes on Oakland’s Mistake, Moves on to
ALCS,” TheSportingNews.com, October 16, 2001.
Chapter 4
1. Halberstam, Playing for Keeps, 259.
2. “The Odd Couple.”
3. “Turnover at the Top,” DBM, Inc., June, 2002.
4. “There’s Method to Draft Savvy,” Chicago Tribune, June 22, 2001.
5. “Shrewd Trading Has Mariners on Verge of Wins Record,”
NBCSports.com, October 5, 2001.
6. “From the Super Bowl to Super Startups,” Leaders Online, Heidrick
and Struggles, 2001.
7. Ibid.
8. “Riding the Wave: The New Global Career Culture,” Career Innovation,
June 1999.
9. “Chicago Clippers,” Chicago Tribune, January 12, 2001.
196 N O T E S
10. Ibid.
11. “Work, Family Pressures Undercut Job Satisfaction,” Life Today,
National Institute of Business Management, April 2002.
12. “Breaking the Glass Ceiling: The Effects of Sex Ratios and Work-
Family Human Resource Practices,” Unpublished research manuscript,
Prof. George F. Dreher, Indiana University, 2001.
13. “Iverson a Brand New Man.”
14. Ibid.
15. “QB Bias Falls,” Chicago Tribune, December 22, 2000.
16. “Alou Says He Hasn’t Received Any Recent Offers,” ESPN.com
October 13, 2002.
17. “Agent for Marvin Lewis Accuses the Bills of Bias in Coach’s
Hiring,” The New York Times, January 24, 2001.
18. “Cochran Says Black Coaches Held to Different Standard,”
ESPN.com, September 30, 2002.
19. “Best Practices in Diversity: Corporate and Candidates Perspectives,”
Korn Ferry, December 2001.
20. “Thrill Is Gone,” Chicago Tribune, November 3, 2000.
21. “Piniella Won’t Be Back in Seattle Next Season,” ESPN.com, October
14, 2002.
22. “Mickelson Staying with Family after Birth of Daughter,”
ESPN.com, October 24, 2001.
23. “A Hectic Schedule Par for the Course,” Chicago Tribune, July 16,
2000.
24. “Bruce Lietzke Watching Son Play in Abilene,” Dallas Morning
News, July 28, 1998.
25. “Family Company Relies on Employee Feedback to Shape Positive
Culture,” Winningworkplaces.org.
Chapter 5
1. “What I’ve Learned,” Esquire, December, 2000, Vol. 137, No. 6.
2. “Some Things Borrowed, All Things Yankee Blue,” The New York
Times, October 29, 2000.
3. Dickson, Baseball’s Greatest Quotations, 423.
N O T E S 197
4. Jim Collins and Jerry Porras, Built to Last (New York: Harper-
Collins, 1997).
5. “Time for Cubs to Step Up—Or Else,” Chicago Tribune, October
13, 2000.
6. “Hockey Notes,” Chicago Tribune, December 26, 2000.
7. “The Ryder Cup Rumpus,” Golf Digest, December, 1999, Vol. 50,
No. 12.
8. Ibid.
9. “Bears Notes,” Chicago Tribune, November 6, 2000.
10. “Baseball Preview 2002,” Chicago Tribune, April 1, 2002.
11. “My Putting Musts,” Golf Magazine, April, 2000, Vol. 42, No. 4.
12. Sports Illustrated Tribute to Mickey Mantle, August 21, 1995.
13. “Here’s to You, Mr. Robinson,” Bergen Record, December 19,
2000.
14. “Rams Come Up with Another Big Play in Biggest Game of the
Season,” CBS.sportsline.com, January 30, 2000.
15. “Here’s to You, Mr. Robinson.”
16. “From the Super Bowl to Super Startups.”
17. Halberstam, Playing for Keeps, 281.
18. “Manuel’s Plan Pans Out Just as He Envisioned,” Chicago Tribune,
September 25, 2000.
19. “High Marks in Chemistry,” Minneapolis StarTribune, October
27, 2000.
20. Ibid.
21. “Viking Notes,” Minneapolis StarTribune, October 25, 2001.
22. “Pitchers Put Sox in Good Position to Battle Twins,” Chicago Tribune,
June 26, 2001.
23. Dickson, Baseball’s Greatest Quotations, 357.
24. “Fassel Foretells Playoffs for Giants,” The New York Times, November
23, 2000.
25. Ibid.
26. “Fassel’s Guarantee Has Giants on Verge of Playoffs,” The Sporting
News, December 18, 2000.
27. “Face-Lift Is in Order for NFC East Champion Giants Come
Playoff Time,” CBS.sportsline.com, December 18, 2000.
198 N O T E S
Chapter 6
1. Fastscripts at asapsports.com, October 9, 2000.
2. “WorkUSA 2002: Weathering the Storm,” Watson Wyatt Worldwide,
2002.
3. “Giants Follow the Lead of Fassel,” The New York Times, January
15, 2001.
4. “Dusty’s Roads,” Chicago Tribune, October 19, 2002.
5. “Baker Understands the Recipe,” Chicago Tribune, September 9,
2000.
6. Ibid.
7. “A Mad, Mad League,” Chicago Tribune, November 11, 2001.
8. “Versatility Gives Lowe Edge for Playoffs,” Chicago Tribune, October
2, 2000.
9. “Wrong Ingredients Spoil 2 Seasons,” Chicago Tribune, October 8,
2001.
10. “High Marks in Chemistry.”
11. Ibid.
12. “The One,” ESPN, The Magazine January 22, 2001.
13. Ibid.
14. “Jackson Plans to Clamp Down on Lakers,” Yahoo! Sports, January
12, 2001.
15. “The One.”
16. Ibid.
17. Ibid.
18. “Mariners Are Quick to Credit Piniella.”
19. “Bowman Stands Test of Time,” Chicago Tribune, November 8,
2000.
20. “Brown Mysteriously Absent from Practice,” USA Today, December
19, 2000.
21. “Riley Still Living off His Magic-Laker Days,” ESPN.com, November
7, 2001.
22. “Brenly’s Gambles Help Propel Arizona to NLCS.”
23. Ibid.
24. Speech to Marathon Ashland Petroleum dealers.
25. “As Leaders, Women Rule,” Business Week, November 20, 2000.
26. vincelombardi.com.
N O T E S 199
27. “Ravens Talk Talk, Walk Walk.”
28. “Why We Love Phil Jackson,” St. Louis Post-Dispatch, October 3,
2001.
29. “The Celtics Are Glad Rick Pitino Has Departed and They’re
Showing It,” ESPN.com, Feburary 15, 2001.
30. “Small Ego, Big Results,” MSNBCsports.com, February 7, 2001.
31. “The Celtics Are Glad Rick Pitino Has Departed.”
32. “NBA Notes,” Chicago Tribune, March 11, 2001.
33. Halberstam, Playing for Keeps, 38.
34. Ibid., 41.
35. “Bulls Notes,” Chicago Tribune, December 6, 2000.
36. “Inside the Bulls,” Chicago Tribune, January 9, 2000.
37. “NBA Notes,” Chicago Tribune, March 5, 2001.
38. “Inside the Bulls.”
Chapter 7
1. “Sonics Fire Westphal,” Yahoo! Sports, November 27, 2000.
2. “Repairing the Coke Machine,” Business Week, November 19,
2001.
3. “Jauron’s Message a Simple One,” Chicago Tribune, August 25,
2000.
4. “Here’s to You, Mr. Robinson.”
5. Ibid.
6. “A Changed Dr. Doom Returns.”
7. Ibid.
8. “Players Get 257-Page Playbook at Start of Camp,” Sportingnews
.com, October 7, 2000.
9. “Celtics Execute under O’Brien,” ESPN.com, March 3, 2001.
10. “Arians and Fazio News Conference,” Clevelandbrowns.com, February
5, 2001.
11. Dickson, Baseball’s Greatest Quotations, 424.
12. “Iverson a Brand New Man.”
13. “Can Jackson Get Lakers to Rebound?”
14. “Sonics Fire Westphal.”
200 N O T E S
15. “With New Direction, Sonics Wallop Lakers,” USA Today, December
1, 2000.
16. Dickson, Baseball’s Greatest Quotations, 453.
17. “Gill Follows the Money, Stays with Nets,” Yahoo! Sports, November
22, 2000.
18. “Baseball Report,” Chicago Tribune, March 11, 2001.
19. Ibid.
20. “Dodgers Thrown a Curve as Sheffield Seeks Trade,” Chicago
Tribune, February 20, 2001.
21. “Waveland and Sheffield Has a Cub Ring to It,” Chicago Tribune,
March 11, 2001.
22. “Craving Star Bucks,” Chicago Tribune, February 22, 2001.
23. “WorkUSA 2002: Weathering the Storm.”
24. “Ten Diamondbacks Defer Salaries to Help Cash-Poor Team,”
ESPN.com, February 20, 2001.
25. Ibid.
N O T E S 201
202 N O T E S
203
I N D E X
A
Aaron, Hank, 18
Accorsi, Ernie, 49, 131
Accountability, 6, 24,
36, 164–67, 183
Admiration, 19–20
Affinity, 163
Agents, 43
Alou, Felipe, 94–95
American culture, 19
Anderson, Brian, 182
Anderson, Sparky, 175
Appreciation, 17, 151–58
Arizona Cardinals, 53
Arizona Diamondbacks,
39, 149, 166, 182
Ashe, Arthur, 19
Atlanta Braves, 128
Atlanta Falcons, 125
Attitudes, 32–34, 47
Auerbach, Red, 71, 105
Authenticity, 17
B
Babcock, Pete, 157
Baby boomers, 31–32,
35–36
Baggett, Charlie, 143
Baker, Dusty, 18, 95,
141, 149–50, 188
Baker, Vin, 175
Balance, 14, 24–25
Ballesteros, Seve,
111–12
Baltimore Orioles, 84,
135
Baltimore Ravens,
50–51, 67–69, 78–79,
83, 108
Barber, Tiki, 132
Baseball, 22, 50. See also
specific coaches;
players; teams
Basketball, 22. See also
specific coaches;
players; teams
Baylor, Don, 174
Beane, Billy, 56–57
Belichick, Bill, 10,
25–26, 169–70
Berra, Yogi, 72
Bethune, Gordon, 16
Billick, Brian, 21, 67–69,
70, 71, 78–79, 152
BMW, 51
Bonds, Barry, 18
Boston Bruins, 164
Boston Celtics, 69, 71,
153, 170
Bowman, Scotty, 147–48
Bradley, Bill, 1, 4
Brand, Elton, 85
Brenly, Bob, 39, 149
Briscoe, Marlin, 93
Brock, Lou, 52
Brooks, Aaron, 67
Brosius, Scott, 72
Brown, Larry, 62, 63,
89–90, 148, 174
Brown, Lomas, 131
Brown, Mike, 60
Brown, Randy, 154
Bruce, Isaac, 121
Bryant, Kobe, 2, 11, 62,
64, 144, 174
Buckley, Terrell, 25–26,
170
Buffalo Bills, 95
Buhner, Jay, 11–12, 87,
147
Builders, 5, 6–10
goals and, 132. See
also Goals
individuals and, 89
mental toughness
and, 70
recognizing/
building on
strength, 73
structure and, 183
talent and, 82,
101–2
trust and, 158
Built to Last (Collins),
110
Bureaucracy, 162
Burnett, Rob, 78
Burns, Pat, 120, 164
Business model, 105
Business/sports
analogy, 41–44
Business Week, 165
C
Canseco, Jose, 58
Caring, 36–37, 138
Carter, Chris, 68, 126
Cashman, Brian, 58, 107
CDW Computer
Centers, 65–66, 138
Center for Creative
Leadership, 17
Change, 124–25
Charisma, 19, 112
Charlton, Norm, 81
Chemistry, 45, 81. See
also under Trust
Chicago Bears, 114–17,
171
Chicago Bulls, 155–57
Chicago Cubs, 18, 84,
110–11, 118–19,
165–66, 174, 188
Chicago White Sox, 95,
97–98, 124–25, 127,
142–43
Choice, 37
Cincinnati Bengals, 60
Cincinnati Reds, 11
Clarity, 173
Clark, Will, 98
Clemons, Roger, 87
Cleveland Browns, 21,
171
Coca-Cola, 106, 165
Cochran, Johnnie, 96
Colangelo, Jerry, 182
College athletics, 46
College education, 32
Collins, Jim, 110
Collins, Kerry, 92–93
Colorado Avalanche, 80
Command-and-control
leadership, 147–49
Commitment, 124–26,
132
Communication
as leadership skill,
8
of passion, 23
pay process and,
181, 184
trust and, 137,
149–50
Community service,
139
Compensation, 42–43,
44, 176–81
communication
and, 181, 184
engaging people
through, 178–81
fairness and, 182
Competitive advantage,
109
Computers, 32
Confrontation, 6
Constantine, Kevin, 120
Continental Airlines, 16
Control, over work,
35–36
Cottrell, Ted, 95
Courage, 114
Cox, Bobby, 128–29
Crenshaw, Ben, 112–13
Criticism, 6, 147–49
Cuban, Mark, 157
Culpepper, Daunte, 126
Culture, 54–61
American, 19
chemistry and,
135–36
Cunningham, Randall,
125
Customer service
companies, 22
D
Daft, Douglas, 165
Dallas Mavericks, 157
Dallas Stars, 111
Daneyko, Ken, 122
Davis, Butch, 21, 172
Davis, Ricky, 148–49
Decision-making, 6, 13
Delegation, 133, 169
Del Greco, Al, 91
Demographics, and
skills, 31–32
Denver Broncos, 50
Department of Labor,
31, 33
Details, attention to,
169–70, 184
Development mandate,
83–86
Dierker, Larry, 149
Discipline, 24–26,
167–69, 183
Ditka, Mike, 22, 66, 71,
93, 147
Diversity, 102–3
balance and, 88–90
increase of talent
and, 90–94
in life, 97–101
management and,
94–96
showing
importance of,
78
talent and, 90–94
Dominant value
proposition, 51
Dreher, George, 89
Drivers, 5–6, 7–10
fit vs. talent and, 63
goals and, 132–33.
See also Goals
individuals and, 89
mental toughness
and, 70
recognizing/
building on
strength, 74–75
selecting
employees for
cultural fit, 55
structure and,
183–84
talent and, 82,
102–3
trust and, 159
Drucker, Peter, 31
Duncan, Tim, 154
Dungy, Tony, 93, 95, 96
Duval, David, 65
Dynasty-building,
79–83
E
Economic value, stress
on, 6
Edmonds, Jim, 53,
87–88
Education, trust and,
138
Edwards, Herman, 95,
142
204 I N D E X
Edwardson, John, 66
Egos, 61, 145–47
Eisenhower, Dwight, 38
Elway, John, 50
Emotions, expressing,
14
Employees
admiration/
integrity and,
19–20
attitudes and
values of, 47
development and,
83–86
discipline/
participation,
24–26
engagement of,
15–26
exposure and
knowledge,
15–17
inspiring, 105–6.
See also Goals
passion/intensity,
10–14
relationship
building/caring,
17–18
selecting for fit to
values/beliefs,
54–61
Employment
relationships
describing, 46
market-driven,
29–30
Empowerment, 133
Engagement,
importance of,
185–88
Enron, 20, 44
Ethics, 20
Ewing, Patrick, 65
Executive search firms,
43
Exposure, 15–17
F
Fairness, 138
Fassel, Jim, 131–32, 140,
142
Fear, 184
Finley, Michael, 157
Flexibility, 34
Floyd, Tim, 25
Focus, 102, 106–9
long-term, 7
short-term, 6
Football
see also specific
coaches; players;
teams
black quarterbacks
and, 93
season, 21–22
Fortune magazine’s best
workplaces, 33, 40,
54, 83
Fours Seasons Hotel, 51
Free agency, 42, 58
Freedom, 35, 163–64
Ftorek, Robbie, 120
G
Gannon, Rich, 58–59
Garland, Jon, 118
Garnett, Kevin, 157, 177
Gasol, Pau, 91
General Electric, 82, 86
Generation X, 31, 36,
37
Generation Y, 32, 36
Genius, vs. talent, 63–65
Gentry, Alvin, 85
George, Jeff, 125
Gibson, Bob, 52
Gill, Kendall, 176
Gilliam, Frank, 93–94
Gillick, Pat, 57, 118–19,
146
Giuliani, Rudy, 20
Glanville, Doug, 118
Goals, 4–5, 45, 105–33
accountability and,
166–67
enemies of, 113–19
focus and, 106–9
risk and, 119–32.
See also Risk
value of big,
109–13
Golf, 111–13, 180
Gonzalez, Luis, 150
GOOBER, 178
Grace, Mark, 165–66
Grainger, David, 16
Grant, Horace, 64, 145
Green, A.C., 6, 8–10
Green, Dennis, 7, 21,
54–55, 60, 95, 124,
125–26, 143
Green, Trent, 14–15
Griffey, Ken Jr., 2,
145–46, 176–77
Gross domestic
product, 31
Gruden, Jon, 58–59
Guzman, Christian, 87
H
Hampton, Dan, 71
Hansen, Jason, 91
Harley Davidson, 81
Harris, James, 93
Harvard Business
Review, 43
Harvard Business
School, 5
Haslett, Jim, 66–67, 69
Hayes, Woody, 148
Heroism, 19
Hewitt Associates, 40,
65–66, 77–78, 106
Hidalgo, Richard, 91
Hierarchy, 162
Hill, Glenallen, 87
Hitchcock, Ken, 111,
148
I N D E X 205
Honesty, 20, 82, 138,
142
Houston Astros, 149
I
IBM, 42
Identity, 111
Income, 42–43
Individualism, 4–5, 19,
22, 77–79
Information industry,
41–42
Inkster, Juli, 98, 99
Innovation, 122, 166,
184
Inspiration, 111
Integrity, 19–20, 138
Intellectually
challenging work, 22
Intensity, 20–24
Intervention, 13
Iverson, Allen, 62, 63,
89–90, 174
J
Jabbar, Kareem Abdul,
38
Jackson, Phil
Bill Bradley on, 1, 4
Chicago Bulls and,
3, 61, 71, 123,
155–56
leadership style,
10, 11, 12, 18,
54–55
Los Angeles
Lakers and, 2,
25, 29, 40, 62,
144–45, 153
Tex Winter and, 5,
129
triangle offense
and, 164
James, William, 151
Jauron, Dick, 116–17,
171
Jealousy, 180
Jeter, Derek, 3, 87
Job searches, 34
Job security, 33
Jocketty, Walt, 52–53
Johnson, Magic, 38
Johnson, Randy, 2, 91,
146
Jones, Eddie, 170
Jones, Michael, 121
Jordan, Michael, 3, 61,
64, 70, 72, 77, 123,
145, 155–57
Justice, David, 87
K
Keenan, Mike, 164
Kennedy, Adam, 87
Kerr, Steve, 22, 123
King, Stacy, 18
Kite, Tom, 112
Knight, Bobby, 148
Knoblauch, Chuck, 87
Knowledge, 15–17
Konerko, Paul, 143
Korn Ferry, 96
Kraft Foods, 86
Krasny, Michael, 66
Krause, Jerry, 129,
155–57
L
Labor market, volatility
and, 29–30
Lamoriello, Lou, 80, 82,
120, 122
LaRussa, Tony, 52, 176
Law firms, as agents, 43
Layoffs, 30, 32, 42, 186
Leadership
big goals and,
109–13
command-andcontrol,
147–49
employee trust in,
137–38
engaging for
success, 3–4
goals and, 4–5
styles. See
Leadership
style(s)
womens, minorities
and, 96
Leadership style(s), 6–10
builders, 5, 6–10
determining, 26
diversity and, 89
drivers, 5–6, 7–10
and engaging
employees,
15–26
ineffective, 9–10
modifying, 47
quiz, 26–27
versatility and,
10–15
Lehman, Tom, 112
Lewis, Marvin, 68, 95,
96
Lewis, Ray, 46
Lewis, Sherman, 143
Lietzke, Bruce, 98,
99–100
Lietzke, Rosemarie, 100
Lilly, Ted, 87
Lincoln, Howard, 179
Lombardi, Vince, 152
Longley, Luc, 64
Los Angeles Clippers,
84–85
Los Angeles Lakers, 2,
11, 18, 25, 62, 64,
72–73, 129, 153, 174
Lowe, Sean, 142–43
Loyalty, 29, 32–33, 42,
97, 186
Lynch, Ed, 118, 129–30
Lynch, George, 148
206 I N D E X
M
McDonald’s, 187
McGregor, Douglas, 5
McGriff, Fred, 166
McGwire, Mark, 52, 53,
98, 176–77
McMillan, Nate, 175
McNair, Steve, 121
McNown, Cade, 114–16
MacPhail, Andy, 110,
118, 130
Maggette, Corey, 85
Malone, Karl, 65, 171
Mantle, Mickey, 119
Manuel, Jerry, 124–25,
126–27, 143
Manufacturing
companies, 22
Marbury, Stephon, 177
Mariucci, Steve, 21–22
Market-driven
employment
relationships, 29–30
Market leaders, 51
Martin, Billy, 71, 77
Martinez, Edgar, 3
Martz, Mike, 121
Marx, Groucho, 161
Matthews, Shane,
114–16
Mazzone, Leo, 128–29
Meaningfulness, 111,
138
Mendoza, Romero, 87
Mental toughness, 69–73
Miami Heat, 6, 8–9, 170
Mickelson, Phil, 65, 98
Micromanaging, 139–40
Microsoft, 106–7
Miles, Darius, 85
Miller, Jim, 114–16
Milton, Eric, 87
Milwaukee Brewers, 84,
95
Minnesota Vikings, 7, 8,
9, 60, 95, 125–26,
143–44
Mission, 106
Mixed messages,
114–17
Montreal Expos, 95
Moon, Warren, 93
Moss, Randy, 7, 9
Motivation, 177
Mueller, Randy, 66–67
Mussina, Mike, 58
N
Neagle, Denny, 87
New England Patriots,
10, 25, 50–51, 108, 169
New Jersey Devils, 80,
119–20, 122, 167–68
New Orleans Saints,
66–67, 83
Newscome, Ozzie, 95
New York Giants,
92–93, 131, 141
New York Mets, 1–2
New York Yankees, 1–2,
58, 72, 79, 84, 87,
107–8, 129
Nextel, 51
Nicklaus, Jack, 119
O
Oakland A’s, 56–57
Oakland Raiders, 58–59
O’Brien, Jim, 153–54,
170
O’Dowd, Dan, 57
O’Neal, Shaquille, 2, 11,
18, 29, 40, 62, 64, 144,
153, 174
100 Best Places to Work
(Fortune), 33, 40, 54,
83
O’Neil, Paul, 87
Opinions, valuing, 153
Organizational
capabilities, 7
Organizational
structure. See
Structure
Orlando Magic, 65, 150
P
Palmer, Chris, 21,
171–72
Parcells, Bill, 22, 43
Parnevik, Jasper, 98
Participation, 24–26
Passion, 20–24, 114
Paxson, John, 123
Pay, competitive, 42.
See also
Compensation
Payton, Gary, 165,
174–75
Peer leaders, 173–74,
183, 184
PepsiCo, 82
Pettite, Andy, 87
Philadelphia Eagles,
131
Philadelphia 76ers, 62,
89–90, 174
Phoenix Suns, 165
Pierce, Paul, 170
Piniella, Lou, 2, 3, 10,
11–12, 23, 25, 98, 147
Pippen, Scottie, 3, 73,
156
Pitino, Rick, 69, 147,
153–54
Policy, Carmen, 21
Portland Trail Blazers,
72–73, 108
Posada, Jorge, 87
Positive attitude, 7
Powell, Colin, 17
Pressure, 6
Pride, 111
Process-driven
companies, 22
Professional treatment,
140
I N D E X 207
R
Recognition, 152–53
Recruiting, 42
Relationships, 6, 17–18,
36–37
Restructuring, 32, 42
Richardson, Quentin,
85
Rickey, Branch, 130
Rider, J.R., 62
Righetti, Dave, 141
Riley, Pat, 6, 8–10,
38–39, 148–49, 170
Risk, 119–32
anticipation and,
122
employee
energizing and,
123–27
innovation and, 122
payoff of, 130–32
requirements for,
121–23
sacrifice and, 123
support for risk
takers, 128–30
Rivera, Mariano, 87
Rivers, Doc, 65, 150
Robinson, Larry, 120,
122, 167–68
Rodman, Dennis, 61,
156
Rodriguez, Alex, 2, 147,
177, 178–79
Roles, 172–75
Ryder Cups, 111–13
S
S.C. Johnson, 100–101
Sabean, Brian, 49, 59, 87
Sacramento Kings, 92
Sacrifice, 123
Safin, Marat, 90
San Francisco 49ers, 21,
59
San Francisco Giants,
141
Schilling, Curt, 150
Schuler, Ron, 97
Seattle Mariners, 2–3,
11, 25, 92, 98, 145–47
Seattle SuperSonics,
165, 174
Security, 166
Seinfeld, Jerry, 42
Self-confidence, 114
Self-employed, 33
Self-expression, 35
Self-organization, 163
Self-preservation, 34
Self-reliance, 37, 88
Selig, Bud, 95
Selig-Prieb, Wendy, 95
Service industry, 41–42
Sheffield, Gary, 179
Short-term results, 43
Showalter, Buck, 39
Signs, 109
Simplicity, 170–72
Sinden, Harry, 165
Singh, Vijay, 65
Skills, demographics
and, 31–32
Sloan, Jerry, 170–71
Slogans, 109
Smith, Ozzie, 52
Snow, J.T., 141
Social values, 138
Sojo, Luis, 72
Sosa, Sammy, 91,
129–30, 174
Southwest Airlines, 51,
66, 81, 138
Sports, college, 46
Sports, professional
problems with,
45–46
sports/business
analogy, 41–44
Sports Illustrated, 119
St. Louis Cardinals, 52,
87–88, 98
St. Louis Rams, 50, 66,
108, 121, 169
Stengel, Casey, 3, 107,
172
Stevens, Scott, 168
Stockton, John, 65, 171
Strategy, 105
Strength, building on,
49–54
Structure, 162–84
accountability and,
164–67
affinity, 163
chemistry and,
135–36
details, 169–70
discipline, 167–69
of engagement,
161–64
loose-tight, 163–64
money and, 176–81
roles, 172–75
self-organization,
163
simplicity, 170–72
trust over money
and, 181
Success, measurement
of, 44
Supply and demand, 30
Suzuki, Ichiro, 3, 92
Symbols, 109
T
Talent, 45
accountability and,
36
adaptation and,
65–69
career/life balance,
97–101
caring and, 36–37
closing gaps, 86–88
coming shortage
of, 30–34
control and, 35–36
208 I N D E X
development
mandate, 83–86
diversity and,
90–94
dynasty-building,
79–83
engaging
leadership and,
3, 39–41
evaluating, 49,
81–82
vs. fit, 61–63
freedom and, 35
vs. genius, 63–65
individuals and,
77–79
management and
diversity, 94–96
merge of balance/
diversity, 88–90
money and, 176–81
opportunities for,
39–40
racism and, 93–96
responding to
values of, 37–39
shortage of, 46
Tampa Bay Devil Rays,
84
Temporary workers, 33
Tennessee Titans, 121
Tension, 23
Thomas, Frank, 124,
127, 179
Tice, Mike, 60
Torre, Joe, 1–2, 3, 10, 12,
39, 49, 58, 72, 128,
135, 140, 149
Training, 83
Trust, 123
appreciation and,
151–58
chemistry and,
135–59
communications
and, 149–50
concept of trust,
136–42
criticism as threat
to, 147–49
egos as threat to,
145–47
meeting
expectations
and, 137
trust among peers,
142–45
Tyco, 44
U
Unemployement, 30
Unions, 43
United Airlines, 187
U.S. workforce, 31–32
“Us against the world”
mentality, 71
Utah Jazz, 170–71
V
Value creation, 41–42
Values, 32–34, 35, 47
Veeck, Bill, 176, 177
Vermeil, Dick, 14–15,
21, 56, 66, 69, 82, 121,
122–23, 143, 151
Versatility, 10–15, 26, 122
Vina, Fernando, 53
Vision, 106, 117–19
Vision statements, 117
Volatility, in labor
market, 29–30
Volunteering, 139
Votaw, Ty, 99
W
Walker, Antoine, 154
Walker, Wally, 165
Wal-Mart, 51, 110
Walsh, Bill, 59, 67–68
Warner, Kurt, 92, 121,
122–23
Washington Redskins,
108
Weaver, Earl, 135
Welch, Jack, 82
Wells, David, 127
Wells, Mike, 166
Westphal, Paul, 165, 175
Williams, Bernie, 3, 87
Williams, Doug, 93
Williams, Venus, 90
Williams, Woody, 53
Winter, Tex, 5, 129
Wooden, John, 145
Woods, Tiger, 64–65, 91
Workforce, in U.S.,
31–32
Work-life balance, 103
WorldCom, 44
World Series, 50
World Trade Center
crisis, 20
W.W. Grainger, 16
Y
Yao Ming, 92
Z
Zimmer, Don, 49, 128
I N D E X 209
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HOW TO DEAL WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE

Table of Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Introduction
Part One: Dealing With Difficult People
Chapter 1: Difficult People and Their Difficult Behaviour
Openly hostile, aggressive behaviour
Disguised hostility: Passive aggressive behaviour
Passive behaviour
Chapter 2: Is It You?
Resigned, accepting responses
Indirectly confrontational, hostile responses
Direct, confrontational, hostile responses
Blaming other people
Is it you?
Expectations, values and rights
Positive expectations
Begin again: Change how you respond to other people
Your personal rights
The role of self-esteem and confidence
Building courage and confidence
Chapter 3: Communicating With Difficult People
Active listening
Minimal encouragers
Reflective listening
Questions about feelings
Identify and learn from good listeners
Non-verbal communication
Talking to difficult people
Chapter 4: Standing Up to Difficult People
How to be assertive
Building the confidence to be more assertive
Choosing how to respond
Part Two: Putting It Into Practice
Chapter 5: Dealing With Direct Hostility
The difficulty
Is it you?
Your aim
What to do and say
The difficulty
Is it you?
Your aim
What to do and say
The difficulty
Is it you?
Your aim
What to do and say
The difficulty
Is it you?
Your aim
What to do and say
Use tact and strength
Chapter 6: Dealing With Indirect Hostility
The difficulty
Is it you?
Your aim
What to do and say
The difficulty
Is it you?
Your aim
What to do and say
The difficulty
Is it you?
Your aim
What to do and say
The difficulty
Is it you?
Your aim
What to do and say
Recognize the warning signs
Refuse to engage
Chapter 7: Dealing With Passive People
The difficulty
Is it you?
Your aim
What to do and say
The difficulty
Is it you?
Your aim
What to do and say
The difficulty
Is it you?
Your aim
What to do and say
Get them to participate and contribute
Part Three When All Else Fails
Chapter 8: Dealing With Impossible People
Critical, impossible-to-please impossible people
Persistently negative impossible people
Drama queens
Self-centred impossible people
Bullies
How to deal with impossible people
Let them go and move on by focusing on what you have to gain
Impossible people
Conclusion
Positive people
About the Author
Acknowledgements
Index
End User License Agreement
How To Deal With Difficult People
Smart tactics for overcoming the problem
people in your life
Gill Hasson
This edition first published 2015
© 2015 Gill Hasson
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Hasson, Gill.
How to deal with difficult people : smart tactics for overcoming the problem people in your life / Gill
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ISBN 978-0-85708-567-2 (paperback) 1. Interpersonal conflict. 2. Conflict management. 3. Interpersonal
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design: Wiley
Introduction
Difficult people are everywhere.
Theodore Roosevelt once said, ‘The single most important ingredient of success
is knowing how to get along with people.’
Of course, Roosevelt never met that difficult person at work that you have to
deal with every day, did he? And he certainly didn’t have your in-laws.
When people are nice to you, you can’t help but feel good and be nice back. But
when they’re difficult, you’re bound to be unhappy about it and react badly.
Why do other people get to us so easily?
The reason our happiness and well-being depend so much on our relationships is
because humans are social beings; we seek and enjoy the company of other
people, in particular other people who are easy to get along with and whom we
like.
In fact, most of us would rather experience an unpleasant event – watch our team
lose, for example – with someone who shares our negative opinions about the
team than experience a pleasant event – watching our team win – in the company
of those who are disagreeable and difficult.
But some people know exactly how to be difficult. They’re the people who bring
you down with their negativity, criticism or anger. They refuse to cooperate.
They’re irritating, frustrating and often infuriating. And if you respond to
someone else’s difficult behaviour with anger and blame, withdrawal or
compliance, you may end up feeling guilty, stressed or depressed.
What to do? One obvious solution is to calmly walk away from them. This is
easier said than done. (But not impossible: see Chapter 8.) While you can always
walk away from a rude shop assistant or hang up on an irritating sales call, it’s
not so easy to cut yourself off from a parent, sibling, partner, colleague or friend.
A more practical approach to dealing with them is to start by understanding how
and why other people can be so difficult. Chapter 1 will help you do just that.
You’ll see that difficult behaviour occurs on a continuum. At one end of the
scale, difficult behaviour can be overt (hostile and aggressive); at the other end,
it can be passive (uninvolved and inactive).
In the middle of this continuum is behaviour in others that can be the most
difficult to deal with: passive aggressive. It is covert (dishonest and
manipulative). In Chapter 1, we’ll explore these patterns of behaviour in more
detail.
However, knowing and understanding what’s wrong with someone’s behaviour
doesn’t change it. The thing is you can’t directly change other people’s
behaviour; the only thing you can change is how you respond and deal with it.
In Chapter 2, we will look at the different ways you may currently deal with
difficult people and help you to understand why you react to them in the way
you do.
We consider the expectations and beliefs you may have about the ways other
people ‘should’ behave towards you. Perhaps you blame other people for
making you respond or behave in particular ways.
You’ll learn that other people can’t make you do anything; they’re not
responsible for how you feel or respond. You are. So taking responsibility for
your reactions to difficult people will help you better manage them. Why?
Because if you can take responsibility for your responses then, like anything else
that belongs to you, those responses are yours to manage: to influence and direct.
Having thought about how and why you and other people behave and respond to
each other as you do, the next step is to learn skills, strategies and techniques to
manage difficult people: to know what to say and what not to say. A good way to
know what to say and what not to say to a difficult person is to start by listening
to them. Really listening.
In Chapter 3, you’ll learn what ‘reflective listening’ skills are and how to use
them to your advantage. As well as learning how to listen to other people, you’ll
learn to ‘read’ other people; you’ll learn how to actually ‘see’ what other people’s
motives and intentions are.
By this point in the book, you’ll certainly be ready to get on with dealing with
difficult people. In the past, you may have thought that there was only one or
two ways to do this: either grit your teeth and hope that they’ll stop being so
difficult, that things will improve, or get the difficult person to see just how
difficult they’re being.
Both of these approaches are unlikely to fix the problem. In the case of gritting
your teeth and hoping things will improve… they won’t. In the case of getting
them to see just how difficult they’re being, that’s unlikely too.
You need to deal with the difficult behaviour – not the person. Chapter 4 will
really help you here. It explains how to deal with other people calmly, directly
and honestly using assertiveness skills and techniques.
You’ll learn that there are several aspects to being assertive. Being assertive
means being honest, clear and specific about what you feel, want and don’t want.
You have to acknowledge and often clarify the other person’s point of view.
You’ll need to negotiate, compromise and, when necessary, stand your ground.
You need to be able to identify solutions and consequences for when the other
person refuses to cooperate. You’ll need to avoid ‘losing it’: accusing and
blaming or insulting the other person when they’re being difficult. Finally, you
need to know how to come across with certainty and confidence.
Sound like there’s a lot to learn? There is. But you don’t have to learn it all at
once. You don’t have to put it all into practice at once either, in an encounter with
a difficult person. The good news is that you only need to remember to focus on
one or two assertiveness techniques at any one time to make progress.
In Part Two of this book, you can see how, in a range of situations with a range
of difficult individuals, people have only needed to use a couple of assertive
strategies and techniques each time to deal with a difficult person.
However, some people aren’t just difficult, they’re impossible! They drain you
and can even destroy you. In order to preserve your physical and mental health,
your stability and spirit, there is really only one thing for you to do: withdraw
completely. Chapter 8 will explain how you can do this in the third and final part
of the book.
So, as you can see, this book can help you to handle all kinds of people in all
sorts of situations – to make your life less stressful and a lot easier.
Once you’ve read this book, you’ll no longer feel that other people make you feel
or behave one way or another. Instead, you’ll feel that you are in control. You’ll
see that you can choose whether to tell other people what you think, how you
feel and what you believe.
Even if an encounter with a difficult person doesn’t turn out the way you hoped,
you’ll be less likely to feel guilty, angry or resentful, because you’ll know to
simply reflect on and identify what you would do differently next time, in a
similar situation.
In short, How to Deal With Difficult People will help you to develop strategies to
respond calmly, be able to confidently stand up to others and know when to walk
away.
The result? Other people are more likely to treat you in the way you want: with
respect.
Part One
Dealing With Difficult People
Chapter 1
Difficult People and Their Difficult Behaviour
Who or what is a difficult person? It’s anyone who leaves you feeling upset or let
down, frustrated or angry, humiliated or confused, drained or despairing.
A difficult person can be someone who behaves in an exploitative or unethical
manner; they may be someone who creates a sense of distrust because they avoid
saying what they really think or feel.
A difficult person may be someone who refuses to cooperate with you. They
may avoid taking responsibility and duck out of commitments.
A difficult person can also be someone who is negative and critical; they find
fault easily without offering any constructive or helpful alternatives.
Whether it’s a manager who keeps moving the goalposts, an uncooperative
colleague or the difficult-to-please client, your negative friend, sarcastic brotherin-
law, critical parent or the infuriating person at a call centre, they all have one
thing in common: they can be difficult to deal with.
There are probably times when you wonder how an encounter can go awry so
quickly; you start to doubt your own perceptions, feel thrown off balance by the
other person and find yourself acting crazy when, actually, you’re quite a nice
person!
Is it you or is it the other person? It’s not always easy to tell if someone is
deliberately being difficult or if it’s just you who is struggling to deal with that
person.
You may have no trouble dealing with a hostile teenager but you have real
difficulty with a colleague who finds fault in everything you do. Perhaps you
find it easy to accept your sister’s negativity (the rest of the family find her
draining) but find a friend’s inability to be enthusiastic about anything the most
challenging.
What is difficult in one context may seem as nothing in another; an
uncooperative colleague is a real struggle to deal with in a meeting, but one to
one you find it quite easy to negotiate with him or her.
Sometimes, it’s not clear what exactly it is you’re having to deal with. For
instance, although it’s not pleasant, when someone is being openly aggressive
and hostile, you know just what you’re dealing with. Too often, though, someone
else’s difficult behaviour is difficult to identify; it’s hard to nail down what
exactly it is they’re doing or saying that’s so infuriating.
When does someone else’s behaviour move from being irritating to infuriating?
It can range from mild or transient to difficult behaviour that is significant and
persistent.
Difficult behaviour occurs on a continuum. At one end of the scale, difficult
behaviour can be overt (hostile and aggressive); at the other end, it can be
passive (uninvolved and inactive).
In the middle of this continuum is behaviour in others that can be the most
difficult to deal with: passive aggressive. It is covert – dishonest and
manipulative.
Let’s look at these patterns of behaviour in more detail.
Openly hostile, aggressive behaviour
Aggressive behaviour is the most overt, open type of difficult behaviour. At its
most extreme, openly hostile, aggressive behaviour is harsh and forceful. It can
be intimidating; when someone is being openly hostile, they may shout, swear
and be abusive. They often overreact, even to things that have little or no
consequence to them.
An openly hostile person may talk over and interrupt you or oppose you by
dismissing your ideas and opinions. They are unable to compromise with you
and frequently ‘lose it’. He or she usually feels they have to prove things and
push a point. They insist they are right. You are wrong. It’s a ‘my way or no way’
approach.
They are domineering and controlling and view the world through a self-centred
lens. The more self-centred they are, the more difficult they are. Their
steamroller tactics can leave you feeling like you’ve been flattened!
Why do people behave like this?
When someone is behaving in an aggressive, hostile way, it’s because they want
to make sure that things happen the way they want them to happen. Sometimes,
it’s because their expectations have been thwarted and they are trying to claw
back some control. Some people respond aggressively if they think they are
being undermined or criticized; they may feel ignored, insecure, misunderstood,
cheated or put upon. They may be feeling impatient, upset or just plain angry.
Anger and aggression
It’s useful to understand the difference between anger and aggression. Anger
is an emotional and physiological state; a person can get angry about
something but not necessarily respond in an aggressive way. For example, a
political situation could make someone so angry that they respond by
donating money to support a related cause.
On the other hand, it’s possible to be aggressive towards someone – by
mugging them, for example – without being angry at that person.
Aggressive behaviour can be instrumental aggression or impulsive
aggression.
When someone uses instrumental aggression, they are using their aggression
as an instrument. They are using aggression in a calculating way to get what
they want.
In contrast, when someone uses impulsive aggression, it’s a reaction, a
response to something that has happened to them. Impulsive aggression is an
automatic response, an emotion-driven reaction. It is aggression stemming
from a feeling of anger.
A colleague who criticizes you in front of others is likely using instrumental
aggression to obtain promotion at your expense; your wanting to thump him
is impulsive aggression!
Disguised hostility: Passive aggressive
behaviour
There’s no mistaking openly hostile, aggressive behaviour; it’s direct and in your
face. Disguised hostility and passive aggressive behaviour, on the other hand, is
an indirect expression of what a person does and doesn’t want.
Passive aggressive behaviour can be one of the most difficult behaviours to deal
with because it’s expressed in obscure, underhand ways. The person may appear
passive on the surface but is really acting out their resistance towards you in an
indirect or hidden way.
When someone is behaving with disguised hostility, they don’t reveal their true
motives and you end up tying yourself in knots trying to work out what’s going
on. You may find yourself getting upset and angry but can’t be entirely sure it is
justified.
Rather than saying what they do or don’t want, a person who uses disguised
hostility puts up a passive resistance to your ideas and opinions, needs and
expectations. In order to get their own way, they control situations and
manipulate you without actually appearing to.
Passive aggressive verbal behaviour
Typically, when a person is being passive aggressive, they are ambiguous; they
give mixed messages and are unclear about what they really mean. They may
use sarcasm or veiled hostile joking and teasing, often followed by ‘just
kidding’, and deny there’s a problem. If you get upset or offended by what they
say, they may accuse you of overreacting.
Rather than say what they feel or think, people who disguise their hostility
usually mutter their dissent to themselves or use a non-verbal way of expressing
their feelings, for example, by giving you the silent treatment, dirty looks or
rolling their eyes.
A passive aggressive person is good at being a victim; unable or unwilling to
look at their own part in a situation, they will go silent, sulk and be sullen in
order to get attention or sympathy. If they can, they will find a way to blame
others, avoid responsibility for their own feelings and emotions, which, in fact,
they brought about by their own actions.
Passive aggressive actions and behaviour
When it comes to tasks at home or work, a person using disguised hostility may
or may not appear cooperative but, either way, they’ll do things to disrupt or
sabotage a task, activity or project, often by creating confusion around the issue.
He or she may decline to contribute their ideas, but when your ideas and actions
aren’t successful they may respond with, ‘I knew it wouldn’t work.’
In order to resist doing what you ask them to do, these people will stall, turn up
late, drag their heels and procrastinate. They will find excuses for delays and
reasons for not doing something, invent difficulties or complications or ‘forget’
about what they were asked to do. They can be deliberately inefficient, doing
something badly or leaving it incomplete.
When a person is using disguised hostility in a passive aggressive way, they may
or may not be consciously aware of how manipulative and devious they’re being.
Whatever, you are left feeling confused, upset, offended or frustrated. You may
even feel guilty; you think you’ve done something wrong, but you’re not sure
what.
Disguised hostility is a form of conflict that doesn’t allow either of you to engage
sensibly in the issues; it avoids the real issues.
Why do people behave like this?
People usually express their hostility and resentment in underhand ways
because, for whatever reason, they feel unable to say directly what they really
think, feel or want.
It’s a dynamic born of fear of being controlled, fear of confrontation, hidden
anger and an inability to deal straight with people.
They may lack the confidence to say what they do or don’t want. If they’ve been
discouraged or suffered in the past for openly expressing their feelings – anger,
frustration or disappointment – they will use less detectable ways to say what
they think and feel.
Whereas a passive person will simply accept the needs, feelings and opinions of
others, a passive aggressive person is not happy to submit to others. But rather
than assert themselves and stand up for themselves in direct, honest ways, they
resort to underhand tactics to get what they want.
Almost all our faults are more pardonable than the methods we think up to
hide them.
La Rochefoucauld
Typical passive aggressive types are people who come across as having a victim
mentality or who are persistently negative.
The victim
This person imagines all slights against them – real or imagined – are
intentional. They become upset at any hint of disapproval. They are sensitive
to any indication that you don’t like them or agree with them. You have to
walk on eggshells around them in case you say or do the ‘wrong’ thing and
they accuse you of disrespecting them.
Rejection or the expectation of it makes them hostile. Their reactive
aggression is more likely to manifest in passive rather than overt aggression.
The victim looks for signs of being excluded, but the irony is that in time
their victim mentality – their sensitivity and negativity – does, in fact, cause
others to avoid them.
They may wallow in feelings of self-pity because they believe that everyone
else gets all the breaks. Victims are, by nature, martyrs too. They need to let
you know how much they are suffering; they seek sympathy or attention by
feigning or exaggerating any difficulty or deprivation they are experiencing.
The negative person
Negative people often don’t realize they’re being difficult but they quickly
get on other people’s nerves with their tendency to see or anticipate bad
results or undesirable outcomes, difficulties and problems. These people
bring your mood down with their pessimism and general sense of distrust.
They may also be chronic worriers; what could be a minor problem for you
and everyone else is a hopeless situation for them.
Some people are so entrenched in seeing the negative side of a situation that
they leave no room for positive things to happen. Their negative attitudes
and opinions can be contagious. They may dash your hopes and discourage
your dreams. Negative people can undermine your potential with their
negative opinion of what you are capable of achieving.
Beware: if you give in and let their negativity define you, you will morph
into their version of who you ‘really’ are!
Passive behaviour
Passive behaviour happens when a person does not express their true thoughts,
feelings, opinions or needs.
This can manifest itself in different ways. A passive person may be a people
pleaser; rather than expressing what they really feel and want, they go along with
what everyone else wants, seeking their approval, wanting to be liked and unable
to turn down other people’s demands.
Instead of voicing their own opinions, or making choices that will be
controversial, unpopular or could hurt feelings, they wait for others to speak first
and then agree with pretty much everything others say. They may be clingy and
needy and lean on you more than they should.
People pleasers are often placatory: appeasing, pacifying and attempting to win
others over. But their compliance can get irritating and difficult to deal with,
especially when they overcommit themselves and let you down because they
can’t say no to someone or something else. In this way, they end up damaging
relationships rather than strengthening them.
Passive behaviour, then, can manifest itself by doing whatever others want. But
it can also be evidenced by non-participation – not taking part or not taking
responsibility. Initially, you may find these people agreeable and easy to get
along with, but it soon becomes clear that they are not contributing, engaging or
taking responsibility. They rarely commit themselves or initiate activities,
preferring instead to leave it to other people to get things going and make things
happen. They avoid decisions, leaving you feeling frustrated at their inability to
engage.
Passive verbal behaviour
Typically, you may hear passive people say things like: ‘I don’t know’, ‘I don’t
mind’, ‘It’s up to you’ or ‘Whatever you think is best.’ But these responses do not
tell you what that person really feels, thinks, wants or doesn’t want. And,
because they are accepting and rarely disagree, you begin to doubt whether they
mean it or even care.
You may notice that they rarely stand up for what is right or wrong, back you up
or support you. They prefer to avoid friction of any kind.
Why do people behave like this?
A person may have developed a pattern of unassertive, passive behaviour as a
response to parents, teachers, siblings or friends who were dominant and
controlling or didn’t allow the person, as they were growing up, to express their
thoughts and feelings freely.
They may think that others will be hurt, angry or disappointed if they do not do
what other people want. In fact, they may believe that they do not have the right
to state their needs and opinions.
They may be afraid of displeasing others and of not being liked and want to
protect their ‘nice guy’ or ‘nice girl’ image.
It may be that a person behaves in a passive way because they fear disapproval
or derision from others for their decisions and opinions, so they hand over
control and responsibility to others.
But a person may also behave in a passive way because they can’t be bothered,
they’re not interested, don’t care and simply have no desire to contribute and
participate.
No doubt you have recognized someone you know in these descriptions of
difficult people and their behaviour. We all know at least one person who leaves
us feeling upset or let down, frustrated or angry, humiliated or confused, drained
or despairing.
Understanding how and why someone else is being difficult can give you a
better chance of dealing with them.
But just how much is it the other person? It’s not always easy to tell if someone
is deliberately being difficult or if it’s just you who is struggling to deal with that
person.
Chapter 2
Is It You?
We’ve looked at how other people think and behave; now let’s look at how you
respond to other people.
Tick any of the statements below that apply to you.
If another person thwarts my plans, I find myself thinking about how
to get back at them.
When I have to deal with a difficult person, I come away thinking
about who won and who lost in the encounter.
If someone hurts my feelings, I feel vulnerable and defenceless.
I tend to feel helpless when a discussion or conversation doesn’t turn
out the way I expected it to.
I sometimes envy others or even resent people who are persistent in
getting what they want.
When I am having a row or a disagreement with someone, it feels like
they somehow turn everything round to be my fault.
I usually give in to other people’s needs and wishes, even though I
don’t really want to.
I often get irritated when other people seem to get away with all sorts
of bad behaviour.
Other people often make plans without asking or including me.
I get annoyed when other people are difficult; they are deliberately
trying to wind me up.
I often feel that others don’t appreciate me.
When someone else has opposed me, I see things in terms of who was
right and who was wrong.
If someone criticizes me, I feel got at.
I often go along with what other people think or want, even if I don’t
agree.
I find it difficult to move on from an encounter with a difficult person;
I tend to keep going over who said what.
The more statements you ticked, the more likely it is that you see the world in
terms of ‘me versus them’. Often, you may see the difficulties and problems you
experience with other people as ‘not my fault, there’s not much I can do – he/she
did this to me.’
To a greater or lesser extent, you may believe that when someone else is being
difficult they are deliberately setting out to thwart you – to be uncooperative, to
oppose you or trip you up. You may feel powerless to do anything about it. Or
rather, you may feel powerless to do anything constructive and effective about it.
And because you don’t like feeling helpless it’s easy to blame the other person
for what’s gone wrong.
The prima donna and her resentful sister
Take, for example, 32-year-old Danielle. Since she was a child, Danielle’s
older sister, Marie, has been indulged as the temperamental ballet dancer.
Their parents have been lenient with Marie and yielded to her wishes and
whims.
Their mother, Carol, could have been an accomplished dancer too, but – as
Carol often tells people – she sacrificed her career to stay at home and bring
up her children. Danielle is a dutiful daughter. To keep their mother happy,
Danielle and her brother Luc phone or text her every day and visit for lunch
most Sundays. Not Marie. She visits when it suits her and gets their father to
run her around like a taxi driver. Their parents give Marie money and attend
many of Marie’s performances.
Marie gets stroppy and sulks if she doesn’t get her own way. Danielle thinks
her sister is needy, demanding and selfish. She finds it difficult to be nice
when she sees Marie.
Of course, how you respond to someone who is being difficult depends on
several things.
Who it is. Is it someone you know well, a friend, family member or
colleague? Is it someone who is always difficult with everyone and
everything? Is he or she an authority figure? A parent, your manager, a
dominant sibling or friend? Are they confusing or scaring you?
Why they are being difficult; to undermine or embarrass you? Are they
simply having a bad day? Is it someone who is always difficult with
everyone and everything?
When they are being difficult. Are you having a bad day? Were you already
feeling stressed or vulnerable?
What they are being difficult about. Is it something you thought had been
resolved and agreed upon? Is it an issue of great importance or a trivial
thing?
Where they are being difficult; in front of others, for example. Or away from
other people so you have no one to back you up or witness their behaviour.
How you are feeling. Are you feeling tired or stressed? Do you lack the
confidence to deal with him or her or are you unsure of your rights?
No matter who, what, why, where or when they are being difficult, if you are
finding them difficult then they are going to be difficult for you to deal with. You
could simply resign yourself to their behaviour or you could confront them,
either in a direct way or in an indirect, underhand way. There are advantages and
disadvantages to these three ways of responding.
Resigned, accepting responses
If, for example, someone is mean, nasty or unfair towards you, you may accept
their behaviour or simply withdraw. Rather than say what you think and feel,
want or don’t want, in order to avoid confrontation, you stay quiet. You may go
along with someone even if you do not agree with them. You don’t stand up for
what is right or wrong, or how you want to be treated.
Why would you respond like this? Like Danielle, you may think that others will
be hurt, angry or disappointed if you stand up for yourself and challenge them.
Perhaps you think they will reject you.
Resigning yourself to difficult people and accommodating them can lead them to
disrespect you, take advantage or exclude you. However, this accommodating
approach can be useful for a number of reasons:
When it’s more important to keep the relationship rather than argue the issue.
You need to avoid physical harm from the other person.
When the issue is more important to the other person than it is to you.
You want to avoid an escalation of the situation.
When it’s better for the other person to do what they want and discover for
themselves that they are wrong.
When you realize you are wrong!
Indirectly confrontational, hostile responses
When you are accommodating towards a difficult person, you simply accept,
uncomplainingly, their actions and behaviour.
On the other hand, if you are unhappy about or resent what someone else says or
does but are reluctant to assert yourself, you may respond in avoidant, underhand
ways. You may respond indirectly to someone else’s difficult behaviour. You
may, for example, sulk, be sarcastic, moan and complain about the person to
other people.
Why would you respond like this? You might express your resentment in indirect
ways because it would not be safe or acceptable to express your needs, opinions
and feelings or would be considered rude or selfish. Perhaps you don’t have the
confidence to say what you really think or you don’t have the confidence to deal
with the consequences of saying what you think and feel.
Rather than be direct, you’ve found less detectable ways to express your
resentment and dissatisfaction with the other person’s difficult behaviour.
Although this avoidant approach does not really let others know what you
honestly think and feel, want or don’t want, it’s useful if you want to:
avoid an escalation of the situation
avoid a full-on confrontation
protect your interests
protect yours or someone else’s safety
stall for time.
Direct, confrontational, hostile responses
A direct, confrontational response means being insistent and may involve being
loud and forceful: shouting, swearing and attacking.
Why might you respond like this? It could be as a result of being undermined,
ignored, misunderstood, cheated, put upon or humiliated over a long, or even
short, period.
Often, other people’s difficult behaviour can be the last straw – the last in a series
of events that finally makes you feel that you cannot continue to accept a bad
situation; for example, someone is often rude to you and you’ve let it go, but
when they insult a member of your family it is the final straw. You snap.
Although an aggressive, confrontational approach can lead to an escalation of a
difficult situation, it can be an effective response if you need to:
take immediate control of the situation
succeed in overpowering the other person
outdo the other person and win
make something happen quickly
take quick, decisive action, e.g. to defend yourself.
Blaming other people
As you can see, there are advantages and disadvantages to responding in
resigned, direct or indirectly confrontational ways. Too often, though, rather than
take responsibility for responding in these ways, when you can’t manage another
person, you may justify what you said or did and defend yourself by blaming the
other person, saying that their behaviour made you respond like you did: ‘She
made me say that’ or ‘He made me do that.’
When you have a difficult encounter with someone else and you feel hurt,
embarrassed or angry, it’s easy to feel that the other person is making you feel
the way you do. In fact, this was Danielle’s approach towards her family: they
‘made’ her feel irritated and resentful.
But blaming the other person for your responses undermines your ability to do
anything about your situation. Why? Because if you really do feel it’s their fault
and that they provoked you, you are unlikely to look for a helpful solution. It’s
the other person’s fault. There’s nothing you can do about it.
In fact, if you can blame them for their behaviour then you don’t have to change
anything about yourself or the way you respond; it’s the other person who needs
to make the changes.
This can be seen as mistaken thinking. A maths and spelling analogy is useful
here. Imagine you misspell a word or miscalculate a maths problem and get the
wrong answer. Your mistaken thinking makes you believe you’re correct, that
you’ve come to the right conclusion or answer.
In the same way, your mistaken beliefs about how much power and control other
people have over your responses and how little power you have gives you the
wrong answers to difficult situations even though you think your thinking is
logical and correct.
Is it you?
Even though it often seems that way, people cannot make you feel a particular
way. Others do not cause your feelings and emotions – you cause them yourself.
Here’s how:
There are three aspects to an emotion:
Physical aspects: The physical responses inside your body. For example,
when you are scared, this may involve an increased heartbeat and shallow,
heavy breathing.
Behavioural aspects: What you do, the actions you take, how you behave.
For example, fight or flight when you’re feeling scared.
Cognitive aspects: Your thoughts, beliefs and expectations. For example,
thinking, ‘I’m going to get hurt!’ when you are feeling scared.
Any one aspect of an emotion affects another aspect. So how and what you think
– what you believe or expect – about a person or event or situation directly
influence your feelings.
Suppose, for example, you were given a parachute and were going to jump from
a plane. How you thought about it – your beliefs, expectations and perceptions –
would affect how you felt.
If you had chosen to go skydiving and were looking forward to it, you would
probably feel excitement. On the other hand, if you were having to jump because
the plane was in difficulty, your thoughts – your beliefs and expectations –
would be filled with feelings of fear!
In the same way that skydiving can provoke thoughts and feelings, what others
say and do may provoke feelings within you but they do not cause your
feelings.
It’s not what other people do that’s the difficulty, it’s how you interpret it. For
example, if someone arrives late for an appointment and you feel that they aren’t
bothered that you’ve been kept waiting, you may feel hurt. If, instead, you feel
that their being late has cut down the time you planned to spend on something
purposeful and constructive, you may feel frustrated.
On the other hand, if your friend’s lateness gave you half an hour of muchneeded
peace and quiet, you may be pleased they were delayed and feel grateful!
Are you aware of when you try to blame other people and situations? Taking
responsibility for your responses to difficult people will help you better manage
them. Why? Because if you can take responsibility for your responses, then, like
anything else that belongs to you, those responses are yours to manage, to
influence and direct.
Learnt helplessness
The theory of learnt helplessness suggests that if your experiences and
interactions with other people or one particular person have turned out badly
or negatively in the past, you may have learnt to become helpless when
dealing with that person or other people.
You now believe (rightly or wrongly) that you have no control or are unable
to influence or manage that person or people. This then becomes what is
known as your ‘explanatory style’ – your way of explaining your
interactions and the results of your interactions with other people.
The good news is that you can unlearn old beliefs and replace them with
more positive ways of seeing things and explaining things. Understanding
how and why you and other people behave in certain ways is the first step.
Having positive expectations can also help – you can read more about
positive expectations later in this chapter.
There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.
William Shakespeare
Expectations, values and rights
We all have beliefs and expectations about the right and wrong way that others
ought to behave towards us. When others fail to meet your expectations, you
may feel disappointed, upset or resentful.
For example, Danielle expects her sister Marie to be less dependent on their
parents. She believes Marie should take less and give more.
You may expect your friends, for example, to be loyal, honest and trustworthy.
Or perhaps you expect them to be fun and interesting. You may expect your
colleagues to be cooperative and supportive.
Your expectations underpin your ideas of what a good sister or brother should
be, what a friend ought to be, how children and parents, colleagues etc. ought to
interact with each other.
If these expectations are not fulfilled, you may be disappointed, upset or angry.
If you internalize those feelings, you may respond in a passive, resigned way or
in an indirectly confrontational, hostile way. On the other hand, if you
externalize how you feel, you may respond in direct, aggressive ways. But you
may also respond in a direct way that is honest and calm, in an assertive way.
More about that later!
If you constantly have high expectations of how other people should behave and
treat you, you are increasing the probability of being let down. On the other
hand, if you have little in the way of expectations, it’s likely that you’ll be taken
advantage of.
Our expectations tend to be more a matter of habit than conscious intention;
most of the time, we are completely unaware of how our expectations can create
all sorts of misunderstandings, conflict and resentment.
Where is it written that others must act the way we want them to? It may be
preferable, but not necessary.
Albert Ellis
It’s helpful to identify your expectations about how and in what ways you think
other people ‘should’ behave. How to do that? Start by identifying your values.
Your values are ways of behaving that you think are worthy and are important to
you.
Read the list below and tick any values that you expect to see in other
people.
Affection
Altruism
Appreciation
Clarity
Commitment
Compassion
Consistency
Cooperation
Courtesy
Decisiveness
Determination
Dignity
Directness
Discipline
Discretion
Duty
Empathy
Fairness
Fidelity
Generosity
Gratitude
Harmony
Honesty
Humility
Independence
Integrity
Kindness
Loyalty
Obedience
Open-mindedness
Professionalism
Punctuality
Reliability
Respect
Self-control
Sincerity
Support
Trust
Truth
Understanding
Now choose the five values that are most important to you.
Your main values guide the way you behave and interact with other people. Your
values are the principles by which you live much of your life. Your values can
also act as an anchor: they can be relied on to support and stabilize you.
Your values also reflect your expectations about the way other people ‘should’
behave. So if decisiveness and reliability are important to you, you will probably
expect others to behave in the same way; to make clear decisions, be definite,
resolute and determined, dependable and committed.
When other people don’t behave in ways that reflect your values – when they
don’t behave in ways that you think are important – you may respond with
disappointment, resignation, frustration or anger.
Problems occur if you expect a higher level of action or reaction than the other is
either willing or capable of.
When they behave differently from how you expect, you may think, ‘What’s the
matter with them? What are they thinking to behave like that and to do that?’
But other people may not have the same values as you. This is not a failing on
their part; it is simply strength on yours. Don’t judge them by the same standard.
It would not be fair. Hold yourself to that standard, but adjust your expectations
and be more flexible in your thinking.
Your expectations should be realistic; that is, they should be based on what is a
real or practical way for someone to behave according to the context – the
specific circumstances or situation and the people involved.
For example, although it may not be ‘right’, Marie’s relationship and patterns of
behaviour with her parents have, over the years, become set. Danielle can’t
change that. It would help Danielle if she were to adjust her expectations, to
recognize and accept that this is their way of relating to each other. Danielle
cannot change that, but she can change the way she thinks about it.
Rigid expectations can make you believe that things can’t be ‘right’ unless
people behave according to your expectations. But this makes your well-being
dependent on their behaviour. You set yourself up for negative interpretations of
what’s happening and you’re also placing the burden of your expectations on
them, which then makes you the difficult person!
Once you become aware of unrealistic expectations, you are in a position to do
something to free yourself from being dominated by them.
Positive expectations
How can you have realistic expectations of other people?
Having an open communication style will help; communicate – let people know
your expectations. Then other people won’t have to guess what your thoughts,
ideas and opinions are. More about this in Chapter 3.
Having positive expectations, rather than ‘high’ expectations, is what really
helps. High expectations lead to specific, narrow outcomes.
Positive expectations, on the other hand, mean that you are open and flexible
about the outcomes of an interaction with someone else. It works by you
expecting and actively looking for a positive aspect of the other person.
With positive expectations, you are not expecting any particular result or
outcome and you are less likely to feel thwarted, resentful, irritated and so on
because you are not hanging your expectation on anything or anyone
specifically. Instead, your expectation is for an overall positivity.
Imagine what would happen if you developed the habit of having positive
expectations for your friends, family, colleagues and others you encountered.
Imagine if, for example, Danielle recognized that her parents actually enjoyed
indulging Marie – that they didn’t resent Marie. If Danielle had positive
expectations, she would simply expect Marie to continue providing pleasure for
her parents.
Try to avoid high expectations and stay in a place of positive expectation with
other people. It’s a powerful way to change the way you think about difficult
people.
Beginner’s mind
When someone else is being difficult, yet again, you probably come to your
usual conclusions. For example, with a critical family member, you may
think, ‘Here she goes again. She’s always like this: critical and demanding.’
You fall into the same old patterns of responding.
The problem is, dismissing the other person’s behaviour in this way
undermines your ability to manage the situation. Instead of writing the other
person off as difficult, try embracing a concept known as ‘beginner’s mind’.
Having a ‘beginner’s mind’ means that rather than respond to someone in the
same old ways – ways from the past – you put aside the beliefs and the
conclusions you came to on previous times and open yourself to new
possibilities.
For example, suppose you have to spend time with a person you have always
found difficult to get on with. Imagine if you met them for the first time in
different circumstances. You would know nothing about them so you would
have no preconceived ideas and no expectations.
Next time you’re with someone you’ve always found difficult to deal with,
start with a positive expectation rather than respond to them in a way that’s
based on past history between you.
Responding to people in the same old ways keeps you out of the present and
living in the past. It doesn’t allow you to be aware of any new insights.
Beginner’s mind, on the other hand, allows you to take a fresh approach.
Begin again: Change how you respond to other
people
Read what happened when Danielle changed the way she interacted with her
family. It’s a bit extreme, but it shows what can happen if you change established
ways of responding to other people.
The resentful sister changes her approach
Day one
Usually, I ring my mother every day. Today, I don’t. It feels odd.
Days two to four
I still haven’t phoned my parents. Do they even care? Begin to think I may
have been helping my mother to be needy.
Day five
Marie rings me. She’s upset. A ballet performance she was rehearsing has
been cancelled. Instead of trying to soothe her, I say, ‘What a catastrophe!
Ballet is all you know. Do you think you might never work again? Are you
too old now?’ She stops crying, gets angry and hangs up. My mother rings
me. She has heard from my sister. What’s the matter with me? How could I
be so insensitive? I put the phone down on her. I feel scared and powerful at
the same time!
Day six
I decide not to turn up for Sunday lunch. I don’t let them know I’m not
coming, I just don’t turn up. My father rings me. He reasons with me. ‘You’re
upsetting your mother.’ I say, ‘I’m sorry Mum’s upset. What about you, Dad?
Wouldn’t you rather give lunch a miss and play golf?’ This is a first, too,
asking my father what he thinks. He is thrown. He says, ‘That’s not the
point,’ but I can tell it’s given him something to think about. Maybe he’ll
rebel too!
Day seven
My mother phones. She says, ‘I’m worried about you. Are you OK?’ I can’t
remember her having shown any concern before. I become tearful. Mum
says, ‘You don’t have to come round every Sunday, you know.’ I’m amazed.
She’s quite nice really!
It’s easy to get into established patterns of relating to other people; we coconstruct
how we behave with each other. A beginner’s mind enables you to do
things differently. Even a small change may make a big difference.
Be careful, though. Be prepared for people to get upset, angry or defensive.
Think through the likely consequences! If you do decide to do things differently
and change your behaviour, be consistent. Be prepared to be flexible, too, but
don’t give in.
Your personal rights
You know, of course, that you have legal rights. These are what you are entitled
to according to the law. Your consumer rights, for example, legally protect you
from being stuck with faulty goods.
Personal rights are what you perceive to be the correct, just or appropriate way
to be treated. Personal rights are what you believe you are entitled to. And when
you stand up for your rights, they can protect you from ill treatment by other
people.
Your rights are reflected in your values; your values will inform your rights. For
example, if you value truth, you may feel that you have a right to ask or even
demand that others be honest with you.
If you value confidentiality, for example, you probably feel that it is your right to
expect others to be trustworthy and to keep to themselves information you have
given them about yourself.
Whatever rights you identify as being important to you, ask yourself, ‘Do I think
these rights extend to other people?’ For example, if you value forgiveness – if
you think others should forgive you for your mistakes – then, hopefully, you
think it’s important to recognize that other people make mistakes too and that
you don’t need to hold it against them!
Identifying your personal rights can help you to be clear about your values and
expectations.
What rights do you feel entitled to?
To say what I think and feel.
To ask for what I want or need.
To make my own choices.
To make my own decisions.
To change my mind.
To make mistakes.
To be successful.
To stick to my values.
To determine my priorities.
To say ‘I don’t know’ or ‘I don’t understand’.
To ask for information.
To expect privacy.
To be independent.
To withdraw and not be involved.
To say what I think and feel.
To refuse to help.
Not to be responsible for others’ behaviour, actions, feelings or
problems.
To be happy.
To expect honesty from others.
What rights would you add to this list? Do the rights you choose for yourself
apply equally to other people? Be aware that someone else’s personal rights will
be based on their experiences and expectations, so they may well be different
from yours.
Values and personal rights are subjective – they are based on your experience
and expectations of yourself and others. Only you can stand up for your rights;
other people have a right not to respect your rights! However, when you are
more aware of your rights, you’ll be more able to set limits and feel entitled to
defend yourself from exploitation, attack and hostility.
Once you are aware of and take responsibility for your values, rights and
expectations, you will be clearer about what is and isn’t important to you, what
you will or will not accept, what your limits are and how flexible you are
prepared to be.
That’s all well and good, you may think, but I don’t have the confidence to tell
people what I will and won’t accept, what my limits are and how I want to be
treated!
The role of self-esteem and confidence
This is completely understandable. Of course, you need confidence to tell other
people what you think and how you want to be treated, to say what you do or do
not want.
Confidence is what you believe you can or can’t do. So, in order to deal with
difficult people you need to believe you can deal with them.
You’ve probably noticed that some people find it easy to deal with difficult
people; they seem to have no problem in calmly standing up for themselves.
They do not let a fear of confrontation silence them; they are prepared to take the
consequences of dealing with difficult people.
They don’t try to prove anything, but neither do they allow themselves to be
mistreated.
People who are confident in their ability to deal with other people in a
constructive way do not try to control what other people think and say; they are
open to other people’s views even when those views are different from their own.
Even if a confident person feels anxious about dealing with difficult people, they
don’t let fear and anxiety paralyse them: they deal with other people and
situations despite their fears or worries. They recognize they have to start
somewhere, however apprehensive they are.
What they have, and you can have too, is courage, the quality of mind or spirit
that enables you to face difficulty despite your fear and concerns.
This is where your values, rights and positive expectations can be helpful – they
can give you the courage of your convictions and help you to act in accordance
with your values.
Confidence and courage come through acting as if you are unafraid, even (and
especially) when you are.
So how can you be courageous and see yourself as someone who can manage
difficult people and situations?
Building courage and confidence
One way to help build your confidence about your ability to deal with difficult
people is to remember past successes. Think about occasions when you have
been successful in managing difficult people. Maybe you resolved a dispute over
a bill or an invoice. Perhaps you once acted as mediator between two other
people who had fallen out. Or you successfully negotiated with a colleague
about who would take on a particular piece of work.
Picture what happened, where you were, what you did, what other people’s
reactions were. What was it you did that contributed to a successful outcome?
Next, think of a situation where you want to ask someone to do or not do
something or something you want to do or not do that won’t require a huge
amount of courage and confidence. Start small. Starting small means starting by
saying something to someone that induces less fear and requires a small amount
of courage to accomplish.
Learning to have confidence takes practice. You need to see confidence as a
process, not an achievement to be completed; having confidence isn’t a finish
line you cross once, and the process won’t always move forward. Take a deep
breath, remember the successes you’ve already had and resolve to keep going.
Don’t be afraid of your fears. They’re not there to scare you. They’re there to
let you know that something is worth it.
C. JoyBell C.
Having read this chapter, you’ve probably realized that to deal with difficult
people constructively and effectively depends, to a large extent, on having the
right frame of mind. Rather than see yourself as a victim of other people’s
difficult behaviour, if you take responsibility for your expectations and
responses, then, like anything else that belongs to you, those expectations and
responses are yours to manage, to use as you want.
Chapter 3
Communicating With Difficult People
Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes
to sit down and listen.
Winston Churchill
Having thought about how you currently respond to other people, your
expectations and beliefs about the way others should behave towards you, the
next step in dealing with difficult people is to improve your communication
skills, to know what to say and what not to say.
Knowing the right thing to say isn’t always easy, particularly in difficult,
awkward or heated situations. But communication is more than what you say;
communication is a two-way process. It involves talking and listening.
Knowing the right thing to say is a lot easier if you first know how to listen. If
you listen well then you are more likely to respond in a constructive, effective
way.
Often, when people talk with each other, they don’t really listen; they make
assumptions and misinterpret each other, especially if the issue is contentious or
complicated.
Expectations and assumptions can distort what you think the other person has
said. Sometimes, you assume you know what they’re going to say next, or you
think you won’t get your chance to say what you want to, so you interrupt and
jump in with your response.
Other times, you may not understand what the other person is talking about;
you’re confused. Instead of listening closely, you’re a few seconds behind, trying
to make sense of what the other person has said.
And of course, there are times when it’s tempting to tune out, particularly if the
other person is moaning and whinging or is openly hostile and aggressive.
Tuning out rarely stops them, though. If anything, they’ll complain or argue more
forcefully because they can tell you’re not listening and not taking them
seriously.
Listening looks simple but it’s not easy. Every head is a world.
Cuban proverb
Active listening
The good news is that there’s a simple and effective technique that you can learn.
It’s called ‘active listening’ and it’s effective in two ways. First, active listening
helps you to be clear about what the other person is saying. Second, because you
have a better understanding of the other person’s perspective, active listening
helps you to deal with them more effectively. Active listening closes the loop in
communication gaps and so minimizes the likelihood of communication
breakdowns.
It is called active listening because you are active in the process of listening; you
participate and make an effort to understand what the other person is saying and
why they are saying it. It means concentrating on what they’re saying, making
sense and being clear about what they really mean. It’s a simple technique but
you need to practise!
Minimal encouragers
The most obvious and natural way that you usually show that you are listening is
by using non-verbal communication to acknowledge what someone else is
saying, making eye contact, for example, nodding your head in
acknowledgement or shaking your head in disagreement.
These little signals are known as ‘minimal encouragers’. Minimal encouragers
are simple, direct ways to let the other person know you are listening. Sounds
and words like ‘uh-huh’, ‘yes’, ‘oh’, ‘mmm’ and little actions like nodding in the
appropriate places show that you are listening. With little in the way of
interruption by you, minimal encouragers encourage the other person to talk.
When you are dealing with a difficult person, the trick is to use minimal
encouragers calmly and in a neutral way, rather than, for example, a sarcastic or
angry way.
Reflective listening
This is the key skill used in active listening. It shows the extent to which you’ve
understood the other person. It’s a simple technique but it requires you to
concentrate and focus. You have to work at it. There are three aspects to
reflective listening: repeating, summarizing and paraphrasing.
Repeating
When you are repeating, you are simply saying exactly what the other person
has just said. For example, ‘You think that I’ve been harsh?’ or ‘You weren’t
calling me stupid?’
All you are doing is repeating what you’ve heard to make sure you heard it
correctly. This is exactly the same as when someone gives you directions on how
to get to another part of town or tells you a phone number: you are simply
repeating the directions or the numbers back to the other person so that they can
confirm you’ve understood correctly.
And, just like when you repeat directions or a phone number, you are not
required to agree with what the other person has said. You just confirm that
you’ve listened and understood.
Summarizing
This involves briefly and concisely summing up what the other person has said,
the main points. For example, ‘So, you’re saying that first, Sam was only doing
her job, that you think I came down too hard on her. Second, she’s not said
anything to you about it but you feel that you should defend her. Is that right?’
Paraphrasing
This is a restatement of what the other person has said as you understood it. For
example, ‘I think what you’re saying is that I expect too much and that some
members of the team are feeling that nothing they do is ever good enough. Is that
right?’
Begin with a phrase such as:
‘Let me see if I understand so far…’
‘Am I right in thinking that you’ve said/you feel/you mean…’
‘I think what you’re saying is…’
If you’re confused, you could ask ‘Are you saying … or are you saying…?’
With both paraphrasing and summarizing, you express in your own words your
understanding of what the other person said and you end by asking, ‘Is that what
you said?’ or ‘Is that right?’
Reflecting in this way gives the other person the opportunity to confirm that this
is what they’ve said. It also allows them to refute or clarify what they’ve said. For
example, you could say, ‘It sounds like you’re disappointed in me.’ The other
person can pause to think about it. They may then agree, that yes, they are
disappointed, or no, they’re not disappointed: they’re actually very upset!
It’s worth noting that there are benefits to overstating or understating a reflection;
either one may cause a person to clarify or reconsider. For example, if you
overstated the fact that someone felt you didn’t listen properly, in order to get
them to clarify, you could overstate what they said by saying, ‘You think I
always interrupt and I never listen. Is that what you said?’
Of course, it would be quite odd to summarize or paraphrase what someone said
every time they spoke to you. The point is – and this is a crucial point – to listen
as if you were going to reflect back. Whether you do so or not. This is why
reflective listening is so powerful. It focuses your attention, stops you from
interrupting, helps you to listen and be clear about what the other person is
actually saying.
Reflective listening can close gaps in communication, minimizing assumptions
and misinterpretations. Here’s an example:
Lee: I haven’t got time to rewrite this report. I’ve already moved on to the
next project. You seem to be making out I’m not doing my job properly. It’s
OK for you: you work from home half the week and your time is more
flexible. I suppose that Bill has been getting on at you about the report again,
has he? Well, let him stew. If I try to talk to him about it, he just doesn’t
listen. I bet you’ve been moaning together about me. I haven’t got time for
this.
May: Let me get this right; you think I’m being unfair and that I’m siding
with Bill. You’ve moved on to the next project already and you haven’t got
time to go back to the report. Or did you mean you haven’t got time to
discuss this?
This is not the first time that Lee has sounded off to May in this way; she’s heard
it several times before. It would be easy for May to respond either by switching
off or by interrupting with her own opinions. Instead, by reflecting back, May
shows that she has listened and tried to understand.
If you reflect back in this way – even though it’s not easy if the other person is
criticizing or accusing you of something – they are more likely to feel that their
point has been heard so there’s no need to repeat it. They are also less likely to
continue to attack you or defend themselves.
The basic challenge in dealing with difficult people is to remain calm in a
potentially highly charged situation. You have to get your own reactivity down.
Reflective listening slows down the exchanges between you. Reflective listening
engages a part of the brain – the neocortex – that enables you to think rationally
and reasonably. This is just what’s needed in a potential conflict situation
because it helps stop things escalating too quickly. Reflective listening enables
you to understand what the other person is saying and to respond appropriately
rather than participate in a downward-spiralling conversation.
When you communicate with difficult people by interrupting, defending or
attacking what they say, you are simply reacting: responding in an opposing way.
Reflective listening is a more constructive approach. It allows you to respond in
a more favourable way, to set the pace and feel in control.
Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
Stephen Covey
Ask questions
Another advantage of reflective listening is that you are more likely to be aware
of gaps in your understanding, so you are more likely to ask appropriate
questions to help clarify your understanding.
In any situation where you need clarification or information, there are two types
of questions: open questions and closed questions. Open questions usually begin
with the words ‘what’, ‘why’, ‘how’, ‘tell me’, ‘explain’ and ‘describe’. For
example:
‘What’s the problem with…?’
‘Tell me more about…’
‘How did…?’
‘Why do you think…?’
When you ask open questions, you encourage the other person to explain more.
On the other hand, closed questions – such as ‘Are you upset?’ and ‘Don’t you
want to do it?’ – usually get a short response.
Open questions invite a person to express in their own words their ideas,
thoughts, opinions and feelings. Closed questions give control to the person
asking the questions. When you ask a closed question, it’s likely that you will
need to ask another question, and if you use too many closed questions, it’ll be
difficult to carry on a successful conversation.
Look at how the examples below compare open and closed questions. In each
example, the topic is the same, but the responses will be different:
Would you like things to be different?
How would you like things to be different?
Do you want to do this next?
What do you want to do next?
Shall I help you with…?
How can I help you with…?
Is it a problem?
In what ways is this a problem?
When you ask open questions, though, do give the other person enough time to
respond. They may need to think before they answer, so don’t see a pause as an
opportunity for you to jump in with your ideas and opinions.
Be sure that your questions don’t come across as interrogative, attacking,
defensive or rude; try to pose them in a calm, neutral manner. It’s important to
maintain a positive mindset when you deal with difficult people. Ask ‘how’
questions to get input, to get them to share responsibility for the conversation,
for example, ‘How would you like things to be different?’
Let the other person finish each point before you ask a new question.
Interrupting is a waste of time. It can distract and frustrate him or her. But once
they have replied, you may need to summarize or paraphrase their answer before
you continue with your response.
Questions about feelings
Do ask questions in terms of feelings. Probably, you often ask, ‘What do you
think?’ or ‘What are you going to do?’
When it’s relevant, ask, ‘How do you feel about that?’
There is a difference in asking people how they feel over what they do and think,
particularly when you are dealing with someone who is being difficult. Asking
questions in term of feelings can give you an insight into why they could be
talking or behaving in such an unpleasant or difficult way. A person often needs
to have the issue and their feelings addressed in order to start interacting
constructively.
In fact, what you are aiming for is to develop some degree of empathy, to
understand the other person’s feelings and point of view, to get an insight into
where they are coming from.
When you empathize with someone, you do not have to sympathize, agree or let
their feelings dominate yours. Your aim is simply to understand their
perspective and feelings. You are then more likely to understand why you have a
hard time with them and deal with them effectively.
Showing empathy
Ranjana, for example, is becoming increasingly irritated with her housemate
Marcus. Marcus often moans and complains to Ranjana about his work, his
colleagues and his manager. Ranjana finds his negativity draining and does
her best to escape whenever Marcus starts talking about his job.
However, things change when Ranjana changes her approach. One evening,
Marcus tells Ranjana about a meeting at work that day where they were told
about forthcoming redundancies. Marcus thinks it’s almost certain he will be
made redundant. Instead of thinking about how she can shut him up or get
away, Ranjana uses reflective listening to engage with Marcus. She
summarizes what he has said and asks, ‘How do you feel about it?’ Marcus
explains that he feels overwhelmed and uncertain about the future.
Ranjana may not have been faced with redundancy before, but she has
experienced what Marcus is feeling – being overwhelmed and uncertain. Her
interest and concern reduce the extent of Marcus’s negativity. He feels
acknowledged and therefore more ready to move on to discussing possible
ways forward. Ranjana is surprised at how effective reflective listening can
be!
So, be intentional with your listening. Remember, even if you do not reflect back
to the other person, listen as if you were going to.
Successfully managing difficult people requires understanding that their feelings
and perspectives may differ from your own. Active listening – reflecting,
confirming and clarifying what the other person has said – not only helps you to
see where they’re coming from but also shows that you are making an effort to
understand things from their perspective.
You do not have to make their situation your own, agree with them or let their
feelings and opinions dominate yours. You are simply trying to narrow the gap
between you both, to show that you are willing to try to understand the other
person’s situation, point of view, thoughts and feelings.
Identify and learn from good listeners
Can you think of someone you know who is good at managing difficult people?
Do you think they are good listeners? How do they show they’ve taken on board
what the other person is saying? What questions do they ask?
Practise active listening
Becoming a good listener takes time, patience and concentration. It also
takes practice. But you don’t need to wait for a difficult person or situation to
practise active listening. You can practise with a friend. Here’s how:
One of you talks for two minutes on one of the subjects listed below. When
the speaker has finished speaking, the listener can reflect back what he or
she thinks the speaker said and how they felt.
a TV show or personality that irritates and annoys you
a time when you were disappointed (e.g. you didn’t get the job, house,
flat or football score you wanted)
the worst job or holiday you ever had
a time when a friend let you down.
Non-verbal communication
There’s a lot to be gained by developing your listening skills; it will help you to
improve your understanding of other people’s behaviour, motivations and point
of view.
But it’s not just what a person says – their verbal communication – that tells you
what they’re saying and where they’re coming from. What a person does not say
– their non-verbal communication – can give you a real insight into what’s going
on.
In interactions with other people where emotions and feelings are involved,
research shows that communication is made up of 7% what is said, 38% tone of
voice, 55% body language. This means that a huge amount – 93% – of how a
person feels is communicated non-verbally.
The overwhelming meaning of a message, when communicating with others,
comes from an unconscious display of the ‘silent’ language, which reinforces,
detracts or contradicts what they are saying.
Often, you know what someone is feeling just by looking at their face; you don’t
need them to explain in words if they are experiencing one of the basic
emotions: surprise, anger, joy, disgust, fear or sadness.
But it’s not just facial expressions that can clue you in to how someone else is
feeling. Other non-verbal communication signals – a person’s gestures, posture,
eye contact – can tell you a lot about their feelings, intentions and motivations.
Interestingly, when communication is difficult our body language becomes more
pronounced. It doesn’t take you long to notice that someone is angry if they are
using short, sharp gestures. You can also tell that someone is anxious if they are
fiddling and twiddling!
However, body language signals can often be hard to interpret. For example, it
would be easy to conclude that someone crossing their arms is feeling defensive
or someone drumming their fingers on the table is feeling impatient or irritated.
Certainly, someone crossing their arms could be feeling defensive – they could
just as easily be feeling cold! And someone drumming their fingers on the table
could simply be tapping out a rhythm.
You can’t rely on a single gesture, facial expression and so on to tell you how
they are feeling. You need to take into consideration a combination, or cluster,
of non-verbal signals.
Clusters are when a number of non-verbal communications and actions occur
close together and so indicate a consistent message. Clusters and combinations
of non-verbal communications provide a much more reliable indication of what’s
going on than one or two isolated gestures or facial expressions. A single body
language signal isn’t as reliable as several signals, so do look out for a number of
signs that all seem to add up to the person ‘saying’ one thing.
For example, you may notice someone has their arms crossed. Look again and
you may see that they are not making eye contact and are talking in short, sharp
sentences.
But if you notice they are stamping their feet, and when they uncross their arms
they blow into their cupped hands, you will conclude that, in fact, they are cold!
Notice too, if what someone says matches or if it is at odds with their non-verbal
behaviour. This is particularly important when it comes to dealing with difficult
people who are passive aggressive and indirectly hostile because that
incongruence confirms what you are already picking up: that they are not being
honest with you.
For example, imagine you ask a friend whether they would come with you to
collect some furniture you’d recently bought. They reply, ‘Yeah, OK.’
You’re not convinced that they really do want to help so you ask, ‘Are you sure?’
Your friend replies, ‘I said “sure”, didn’t I?’
But the fact that they mumble their reply and don’t make eye contact leaves you
unsure. You may not know exactly what that is, but you’ve picked up the
mismatch between verbal and non-verbal messages; you’re sensing their
reluctance because their verbal communication – what they say – does not match
their non-verbal communication.
This mismatch is known as ‘leakage’. Leakage occurs when a person says one
thing but their body language, gestures and so on leak something different. It’s
unconscious; they won’t be aware of it, but if you fail to recognize these clues,
you risk being misled. You’ll misunderstand what someone is really thinking and
feeling.
So, when you feel that someone isn’t coming across as honest or ‘real’ it’s
probably because their non-verbal communication doesn’t match what they are
saying. This mismatch creates a sense of confusion and distrust.
Understanding body language can be seen as a form of mind reading. If you can
read someone’s body language, you are reading their feelings and thoughts. In
any one of us, whatever is happening on the inside can be reflected on the
outside, even when we’re silent.
So remember, when it comes to getting a better understanding of what someone
is really feeling, you need to take a combination of non-verbal signals into
consideration.
Intuition
Picking up on a combination of non-verbal signals in a particular situation can
also be seen as your intuition. Intuition is an unconscious process of tuning in to
and responding to a combination of non-verbal information in a specific context.
For example, imagine a parent is lecturing her teenage son about not having a
party when she’s away at the weekend. The parent finishes with, ‘Did you hear
what I just said?’
If her son vehemently replies: ‘Of course, I did. I told you already, I’m going to
Luke’s house for the night,’ it could put the parent on her guard. Why? Because
when someone is being dishonest, they may overcompensate and the pitch and
volume of their voice will rise. Combined with the lack of eye contact and
crossed arms as he replies, the parent intuitively doesn’t trust her son.
When people are lying, they may rehearse the words they use but not their body
language. So when their body language says something different from their
words, you know you’re not getting the whole truth.
Look for the bigger picture as well as the details. Then, if you are in a situation
where you don’t believe what someone is saying, when it doesn’t ring true or feel
right, you will know it’s because that particular combination of verbal, nonverbal
and contextual cues doesn’t add up.
Learn to ‘read’ other people
You can practise ‘reading’ other people. Turn off the sound on your TV. Watch
people being interviewed on the news. Observe people interacting in dramas and
soap operas. Be aware of the non-verbal communication, the gestures, facial
expressions, tone of voice and so on. What conclusions do you draw from
particular combinations of non-verbal communication?
Look for combinations that support your assumptions. If you decided that, for
example, someone looks defensive, ask yourself why you think that. Is it
because they have a glaring stare? Because their shoulders are hunched up?
Practising ‘reading’ other people and situations will help you to notice subtle
cues during your own difficult exchanges and conversations, so you can react to
situations more tactfully and effectively.
When you’re waiting at the bus stop or queuing in the supermarket, use the time
to do a bit of people watching. Observe people on a bus, train or in a café and
watch how they act and react to each other. When you watch others, try to guess
what they are saying or get a sense of what is going on between them. Are they
relaxed, anxious, irritated? What does the way they hold themselves say about
them? What about the way they talk? Does everything match up?
Speak fluent body language
What about your own body language? Does it help or hinder in a difficult
situation? Mostly, you are probably unaware of how much you are conveying
non-verbally, but even if you are silent you are still communicating through your
posture and facial expressions.
Often, you can exacerbate a difficult situation without realizing it. Your body
language and tone of voice can exaggerate, understate or contradict what you
say. You may, for example, say sorry but your tone and body language could be
communicating your frustration and annoyance.
Other people draw conclusions about your attitude and, when faced with mixed
messages, either they focus on your non-verbal messages or your mixed
messages create confusion and distrust in the other person. So aim to avoid
sending mixed messages; make your words, gestures, facial expressions and tone
match.
There’s no need to adopt a range of poses, gestures and expressions that feel
strange or unnatural to you. When you’re dealing with a difficult person, you
simply need to adopt a couple of confident-looking gestures or expressions and
the rest of your body and mind will match up.
If you want to feel more capable and confident, and not just appear confident
but genuinely feel confident, simply choose to do just two or three of these
actions:
stand or sit straight
keep your head level
relax your shoulders
spread your weight evenly on both legs
when you are sitting, keep your elbows on the arms of your chair (rather than
tightly against your sides)
make appropriate eye contact
lower the pitch of your voice
speak more slowly
speak more quietly.
You can’t control every aspect of your non-verbal communication; in fact, the
harder you try, the more unnatural you will appear. But if you can just use one or
two of those things consistently, your thoughts, feelings and the rest of your
behaviour will follow.
It’s a dynamic process where small changes in how you use your body can add
up to a big change in how you feel, how you come across and how you deal with
a difficult person.
Which two non-verbal behaviours would you feel comfortable using? Choose
two and practise using them in a variety of situations.
Talking to difficult people
Understanding and managing difficult people isn’t just about listening to them
and knowing the right questions to ask. Situations like telling someone you are
upset or angry with them, that you are not going to be treated badly by them or
that their negativity is draining you all require that you know when and how to
say so in honest and appropriate ways.
In the next chapter, we look at how assertive communication and behaviour can
help you do this.
Chapter 4
Standing Up to Difficult People
It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much
to stand up to our friends.
J. K. Rowling
A demanding colleague who coerces you into doing things their way, a critical
family member, your hostile teenager or annoying neighbour; whoever they are
and however they’re being difficult, you’ll know that there’s a number of ways
that you can respond. And those ways are not always helpful!
Maybe you find it difficult to express yourself calmly. Or perhaps it’s not easy to
be open and honest. What to do? Learn to be more assertive. When you are more
assertive, you’ll be able to respond to other people without blaming, attacking or
shrinking.
Assertiveness involves being able to say what you think and feel, need and want.
You are able to stand up for yourself even if you feel anxious about doing so.
You do not allow others to manipulate or undermine you; you assert your rights
but you also take into consideration the rights, feelings and beliefs of other
people. In fact, when you are assertive you encourage others to be open and
honest about their views, feelings and needs. This helps both you and the person
you’re talking to develop understanding, trust and cooperation.
Being assertive involves initiation and action. It involves the ability to act with
firmness and commitment but also to be open to negotiation and compromise.
You know you have a choice about how to respond to others: no one ‘makes’
you do something or feel a particular way. And even if other people resent your
determination and persistence, you are able to manage it.
You know that dealing with difficult people does not involve one of you being
the winner and the other the loser.
How to be assertive
Being assertive includes:
identifying and explaining the problem
saying how you feel
acknowledging your part in the situation
saying what you do and don’t want
acknowledging the reply
knowing how to stand your ground
being able to negotiate and compromise
identifying solutions, ways forward and consequences.
Identify and explain the problem
First, you need to identify for yourself and then say to the other person what
exactly the problem is. Stick to just one issue; don’t bring up a list of problems
and issues.
Be clear and specific; hinting, rambling and making excuses can weaken your
message or result in the other person misinterpreting what you really mean.
When you want to confront someone about an issue you can start by saying, ‘I’d
like to talk with you about … what happens (or happened) when…’
Don’t expect someone to be a mind reader and know why it’s a problem for you.
Tell them. There’s no need to run off a long list of examples of past offences.
Don’t, though, take this as an opportunity to highlight the other person’s every
character flaw for the past two years. Focus on your specific concern and keep it
brief, avoid going on and on long after you have made your point.
Say how you feel
Just as you can’t expect the other person to know why you have a problem, don’t
expect the other person to know how you’re feeling. Are you embarrassed, angry,
confused or upset? If you choose to tell the other person how you’re feeling,
make sure you own your feelings. Don’t tell them that they are making you feel
like you do.
Simply say, ‘I feel embarrassed/angry/confused/upset when…’ Saying how you
feel also shows that you are affected by the issue and therefore need to resolve it.
Of course, when you sound off by saying such things as ‘What do you think
you’re doing?’ or ‘I don’t understand you. You must be mad!’ it’s clear that you’re
upset or angry, but when you’re confronting someone, they need to know
immediately why you’re angry. Confrontation needs clarity!
In the three examples below, you can see how the problem has been identified,
an example given and feelings explained.
Example one
Duncan: I’d like to talk about what happens when I tell you about my work.
Yesterday when we were talking about my promotion, you said, ‘Well, that’s
about as far as I can see you going with that company – you don’t have a
degree so that’s a reason not to promote you any further. I told you this
would happen.’ It felt negative and critical and I was upset.
Example two
Fiona: Jo, I need to talk to you about our holiday. It seems you’ve changed
your mind again about our plans. You first said you were going to drive, then
last week you said you’d get the train and meet us both in Brighton. But Amy
has just told me that you now want us to come over to Cambridge and collect
you. I’m confused and feel frustrated.
Example three
Mikel: Rita, we need to talk about how you manage employees in front of
customers. Just now, I heard you have a go at James about the report he
wrote. You were standing right next to two clients. They were clearly quite
shocked to witness that. I’m concerned that it makes customers feel
uncomfortable. It worries me that it looks unprofessional.
Acknowledge your part in the situation
Remember: other people do not necessarily have your standards and values so do
not, at any point, say, ‘There must be something wrong with you!’ or ‘Any
decent person wouldn’t do that!’ Instead, if it’s appropriate, you may want to
acknowledge your part in the issue.
For example:
‘I admit I talk about my work a lot.’
‘I know I like plans to be definite.’
‘I know I said I’d move James to another department.’
Say what you do or don’t want
Next, you need to say what, exactly, you do or don’t want to happen. If you don’t
say what you do or don’t want, all you’ll have done at this stage is dump your
problem on the other person.
So Duncan, for example, may want his mum to stop being negative and critical
when he talks to her about his job. Or he may simply want her not to mention
again the fact that he dropped out of university.
Fiona may want Jo to go back to the original plan. She may want Jo to choose
any plan and to stick to it. Perhaps she would like Amy to pick up Jo and then
both women collect Fiona on their way to the south coast.
Mikel may want Rita to stop being so rude and aggressive to other staff
members. Or it may be that he just wants Rita to find somewhere private to
admonish other staff members.
Who knows what Duncan, Fiona and Mikel want? Only they can decide what
they want.
The same applies to you. Decide what you do or don’t want and say it. Be
specific, keep it short and concise. Your point will be lost if you ramble. Don’t
give lots of excuses; all you need is one genuine reason why you do or do not
want to do something. Just say what you need to say then wait to see how the
other person responds.
Acknowledge the reply
Once you have said what the problem is, how you feel and your part in it, you
can just wait for the other person to respond, or you can ask, ‘What do you
think?’ or ‘How do you feel about it?’
Asking for their point of view or opinion shows that you are expressing your
opinion and feelings about what you do or don’t want, and not just making
demands.
Use your listening skills here. Don’t interrupt, defend or argue – just listen. Look
like you’re listening and show that you’re listening. Before you respond, you may
need to clarify what the other person has said. Remember, you do not have to
agree with what they said, just be sure that you have understood.
Acknowledge what the other person has said. For example, if Duncan’s mother
had said, ‘Well, it’s true, you did throw away your chances when you dropped
out of university – I’m not being negative or critical. Seems to me I can never
say the right thing; you’re so sensitive. Anyway, I imagine Oliver [Duncan’s
partner] agrees with me.’
Duncan acknowledges his mother’s response by saying, ‘I know you think I
missed out on going to university and I know you think I’m oversensitive and
you feel you can never say the right thing. I think…’
Be sure to acknowledge and respond only to what is relevant. In this case, what
Oliver does or doesn’t think is not relevant.
You may not agree with the difficult person’s view but you’ve acknowledged that
this is how they see it.
Be aware that being aggressive can get in the way of communicating what you
are angry about. People stop listening to you and focus on your anger instead.
Ask questions if you need to clarify. For example, if Rita had said to Mikel, ‘You
try dealing with James then. He’s a nightmare,’ Mikel’s reply could be, ‘I
understand that you don’t find James easy, but I will not have you shouting at
staff in that way. Are you saying you want me to speak to James?’
Acknowledging what the other person has said shows that you have listened and
understood. It also gives them the opportunity to confirm, clarify or refute your
understanding.
Try to keep your tone calm and neutral. Avoid whining or coming across as
hostile in any way and notice if you interrupt. Catch yourself, and say, ‘Oh, sorry
– go ahead!’ and let the other person finish.
Repeat the process. Listen to the other person’s response and continue the
process, listening, acknowledging and responding.
Know how to stand your ground
When people sidetrack you or bring up other issues, it’s easy to get distracted
and for the situation to escalate or spin off in another direction. If you get
distracted, you are allowing the other person to control the conversation. If the
other person doesn’t seem to be listening, or tries to sidetrack you, you can avoid
being distracted by sticking to your point. Repeat it calmly until you feel that
you are being heard.
Don’t back down, sulk or counter-attack. Rather than ignore their response or
argue with them, calmly respond to the other person in a way that both
acknowledges you have listened and confirms you are standing firm. For
example:
‘I know you said I’d regret not finishing university [acknowledging what his
mother said] but could you please not mention it again?’ [sticking to what
he wants]
‘I know you think I’m making a fuss [acknowledging what Jo said] but
could you just stick to this plan now and not change your mind again?’
[sticking to what she wants]
‘You may think clients can’t hear you [acknowledging what Rita said] but in
future, if you have something to say to another staff member, could you talk
to them privately and not in front of clients?’ [sticking to what he wants]
Be able to negotiate and compromise
Where possible, aim to negotiate or compromise. Look for solutions and
alternative courses of action.
For example, Duncan could suggest, ‘How about I try not to talk about my work
so often? And when I do, you be a bit more positive.’
With the changing travel arrangements. ‘Is there anything I can do that could
help you make a definite plan?’
And Mikel could say to Rita, ‘Would it help if you let me know whether and
when James isn’t pulling his weight and then we could have a meeting – the
three of us?’
Find common ground for a solution. Try to offer an alternative that works for
you and benefits the other person as well.
Being prepared to negotiate means that you each recognize that any decisions or
outcomes have been reached as a result of each of you stating your views and
feelings.
Also, when you negotiate and compromise, you’ve neither given in to the other
person nor got so het up that they can divert the issue by accusing you of losing
your cool.
Meeting someone in the middle will always be the most constructive approach
for conflict resolution, but if you do choose to negotiate or compromise, bend as
far as you can, but no further. Know what your limits are and stand your ground.
Identify solutions, ways forward and consequences
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
Benjamin Franklin
When you know in advance that you are going to have a tricky encounter with a
difficult person, you can think through how you are going to manage, what your
limits are and how far you are prepared to bend.
It’s helpful to ask yourself these questions:
What do I want and not want?
What do I want the other person to do or not do?
What am I prepared to compromise on?
How far will I negotiate: what are my limits?
What will the solution, way forward and consequences be if the other person
refuses to cooperate?
Having thought about what, exactly, you do or don’t want and how far you’re
prepared to negotiate and compromise, you will need to decide what the solution
will be if the other person digs their heels in and refuses to cooperate.
For example, before she spoke to Jo, Fiona could have thought through in
advance what the solution would be if Jo did refuse to commit to a specific
travel arrangement.
It’s important to think in terms of solutions and consequences, not threats or
punishments. Threats are a warning of trouble, a declaration of your intention to
impose a punishment if someone refuses to cooperate. Threats raise the
emotional temperature and usually lead to more conflict. Solutions, though, give
you alternative ways forward if the other person won’t cooperate.
And instead of thinking of ways you can get back or even punish the other
person for refusing to cooperate, it’s far better to think in terms of consequences.
When you think in terms of consequences, you are identifying a logical result.
Consequences follow naturally from the other person’s action or inaction.
The consequences of Jo’s indecisiveness and lack of cooperation were that Fiona
made her own plans, plans that didn’t depend on what Jo’s plans were. She
calmly explained this to Jo.
For Mikel, the solution was to support Rita by telling her to let him know if she
was finding it difficult to deal with members of staff, so that they could meet
together and discuss it. If Rita persisted in handling staff in such a negative way,
the consequence would be that Rita would receive a warning.
You don’t even have to tell the other person what the consequences will be if
they don’t cooperate with you. For example, Duncan resolved that if his mother
continued to be so critical and negative about his career, the consequence would
be that he would not visit his mother quite so often and only briefly talk about
work. But he didn’t tell her this. He didn’t need to. Duncan just quietly cut down
his visits and when she asked about his job he briefly replied and moved on to
another subject.
But if you do explain what the consequences will be, take responsibility for the
outcome: there may also be consequences for you. The other person may get
upset or angry. The same reaction is possible if you choose to stand your ground:
there may be fallout as a result. The other person may sulk, get angry or burst
into tears. They may stop talking to you. If you stand your ground, you must
accept that there may be consequences.
Often, an exchange with someone can go wrong without you expecting it to.
You’re unprepared and unable to think of solutions and consequences. Rather
than make an emotional reaction and start issuing threats and warnings, calmly
tell the other person, ‘I need time to think this through.’
Thinking in terms of solutions and consequences is a powerful way to deal with
difficult people because you engage the rational, reasonable side of your brain,
rather than the emotional, impulsive part of your brain. Threats and punishments
are usually the result of heightened emotions, and when you’re reacting in an
emotional way, it’s difficult to think clearly, to be reasonable and rational.
Thinking of solutions, alternative courses of action and consequences gives you
control and puts you in charge. You decide what changes you will make and
what direction events are going to take if the other person doesn’t cooperate.
So, slow down, think of potential solutions before responding and ask yourself:
What’s my best choice?
Building the confidence to be more assertive
Now that you’ve learnt the key techniques of what’s involved in being assertive,
we move on to other things that will help you to apply those techniques and be
more assertive.
Start small
In order to build your courage and confidence, you can choose a low-risk
opportunity to respond differently. It’s best to start with something or someone
fairly unimportant rather than with a situation or person you find particularly
challenging.
Does someone sometimes snap at you? Speak up and say what you think or feel
about it. Get used to telling it how you see it. Don’t just automatically shrink or
snap back. Calmly say, ‘I wish you wouldn’t snap at me.’ If they respond with, ‘I
didn’t snap at you,’ simply respond by saying, ‘OK.’
Once you feel comfortable in these low-risk situations, move on to other issues
and situations.
Notice when you’re best at being assertive. You may find that it’s relatively easy
to tell a friend you think their criticism is unfair. Perhaps you have no problem
telling your teenager that you will not be spoken to in such a rude way and that if
he wants to talk to come back when he’s ready to do so calmly.
In tougher situations, with a hostile colleague or your demanding mother-in-law,
for example, think to yourself, ‘What would I say if this were one of my friends
or my teenager talking to me like this?’ For example, if your teenager shouted at
you in front of others, what would you say or do? Can you replicate that
response with your colleagues?
Where and when: Time and place
When you want to say something to someone who is probably going to be
difficult, think whether you have to say something immediately, or do you need
to wait until you are feeling calm and confident and the other person is more
receptive?
It may not be appropriate to respond to someone else immediately, for example
in front of other people or if one of you is very angry. In fact, when someone is
angry it’s easy for them to become irrational and unreasonable because the anger
has overwhelmed the logical part of their brain. If either or both of you are very
angry, you are both simply communicating with your emotions.
It’s also harder to communicate clearly and effectively if you are stressed, tired
or unwell. Sometimes it can be helpful to let people know how you are feeling,
and perhaps to postpone a difficult discussion until a better time.
Although you may have to wait for an appropriate time and place, don’t let
things build up to such an extent that they just get worse. Tackle it as soon as
possible. When you ignore difficult people, nothing will change. But when you
refuse to indulge their behaviour, you encourage them to behave differently – at
least with you.
Take responsibility for your opinions: Start with ‘I’ and not
‘you’
A sure-fire way to get someone on the defensive is to start a sentence with the
word ‘you’.
‘You always…!’
‘You never…’
‘You should…’
A sentence that starts with the word ‘you’ is probably going to involve an
accusation against the other person that will alert them to become defensive.
‘I’ statements, on the other hand, will give the other person less to challenge:
they can argue with you if you say, ‘You always let me down…’ but not with ‘I
always feel let down…’
If you tell someone, ‘I feel let down’, they can’t actually argue with how you feel
(even if they think you shouldn’t feel like that!).
‘I’ statements such as ‘I feel…’, ‘I think…’ or ‘I would like…’ show that you are
taking responsibility for your own feelings. If you were to say, ‘You make me
feel…’, you are blaming the other person, making them responsible for how you
feel.
Blaming someone else is not going to solve the problem, so take ownership of
what you have to say and take responsibility for what you think or feel.
Sentences that begin with ‘I’ show that this is your perspective. For example,
instead of saying, ‘You really should…’ you could say, ‘I think it would be best
if you…’
And instead of saying, ‘You’re wrong,’ you could say, ‘I don’t agree with you’ or
‘I don’t think that’s right.’
You can also put it this way: ‘When you …, I feel…’
When you disagree, try to say so without putting down the other person’s point
of view. Suggesting that someone is wrong or bad or should do something will
create resentment and resistance rather than understanding and cooperation.
Basic assertions and useful opening phrases
All of the statements below are basic assertions: short statements that
communicate a quick ‘no’ or ‘yes’ to the other person.
I’ve decided that…
I need you to…
I won’t accept that.
I don’t think that was fair.
I refuse to listen/to be talked to like that.
I don’t understand. Can you explain?
Can you tell me more? I’m not sure what you mean.
I don’t have an answer to that.
I’m not sure.
That doesn’t work for me.
That’s not what I want.
I don’t agree.
I don’t want to be involved.
I’d rather not say.
I want to do it this way/like this.
No, I’m not comfortable with that.
I’m not going to discuss it if you are going to speak to me like that/shout
at me.
I think it would be better to discuss this another time.
Say ‘I won’t’ or ‘I’ve decided not to’, rather than ‘I can’t’ or ‘I shouldn’t’.
Saying ‘I can’t’ or ‘I shouldn’t’ implies that something is stopping you from
doing something. Saying ‘I won’t’ or ‘I’ve decided not to’ emphasizes that
you have chosen not to do something – a choice has been made.
Actually use the word ‘no’ when declining rather than ‘I don’t really want to’
or ‘I don’t really think that…’
Make sure your non-verbal gestures, facial expressions and tone of voice
reflect and support what you say.
Keep calm: Avoid insults and abuse
If the other person won’t cooperate or compromise, be aware that if you react by
using abusive language or insulting them, either you give the other person a
valid reason to withdraw or you hand them the ammunition to sling insults back
at you.
You may also have given the other person enough counter-accusation material to
divert you from the original issue; they may feel that the fact you became so
aggressive is worse than what you’ve been upset with them about. Cursing and
insulting may help you to vent your frustrations in the short term but not as
much as actually pinpointing the problem and finding a solution will in the long
term.
Challenge extreme terms
Often, when people are being difficult, they speak in extreme terms that match
their worldviews.
So, if the other person says, ‘I always have to’ or ‘You never…’, acknowledge
their view, but then present your perspective. ‘I know you think I never… but
actually, I often…’ or, ‘I understand that it seems like it’s always you, and yet…’
See if you can avoid linking sentences with the word ‘but’. When the other
person hears ‘but’, they know you are going to refute their view. Try to avoid the
word altogether or, when it’s appropriate, use the word ‘and’ rather than ‘but’.
For example, ‘I know you feel angry and I’m feeling upset.’ Sounds so much less
defensive than ‘I know you’re angry but I’m feeling upset.’
Another example of this is if you apologize for something: ‘I’m sorry I raised my
voice, but I couldn’t help it.’ The ‘but’ disqualifies the apology. Take
responsibility for shouting.
Rehearse
You can try out assertive responses in front of a mirror, or get a friend to give
you feedback and suggestions. If you know that you are going to be in a situation
– a meeting at work or a family meeting – where your ideas or opinions are often
ignored, rehearse the situation with someone else.
Rehearse not just what you’re going to say but also how you’re going to feel.
You may well feel apprehensive or even scared. Seeing yourself looking calm,
having one clear message and being firm but fair will create a clear behavioural
blueprint for your mind.
Maintain your composure: Use confident body language
Rehearse your delivery showing open, calm body language. How you stand or
sit, the gestures you use, how you look at someone and use your voice are all
very important. They help convey how you see yourself in relation to the person
you are talking to.
When a difficult person irritates or annoys you, it becomes obvious to the other
person through your tone of voice and your body language. This only fuels an
already difficult situation.
Think about what your body language reveals regarding your respect – or lack of
respect – for the other person. Refrain from behaviour that could escalate the
situation, such as rolling your eyes, pursing your lips or shaking your head.
And, of course, be aware that if you are hunched up, speak hesitantly and avoid
eye contact, you are not coming across as confident and convincing.
In Chapter 3 you will have read that if you want to feel calm and confident, you
only need to adopt a couple of confident body language gestures, postures or
ways of using your voice to have an impact on how you feel, how you behave
and the impact you have on other people.
Self-control is critical in dealing with people who are challenging or difficult.
Losing control = losing. Remember that staying calm increases your
effectiveness and ability to think calmly.
Choosing how to respond
Some situations start with a power imbalance; if the difficult person is a tutor,
manager or older family member, for example, even the most assertive people
can feel intimidated and struggle to deal with that person. But whoever they are,
other people are human beings like you, and the principles of mutual respect
should still apply.
How you respond to a difficult person can depend on who it is and the context in
which the exchange takes place. You don’t have to be assertive – it’s a choice.
You can choose whether to tell other people what you think, how you feel and
what you believe.
Sometimes a more aggressive approach may be more appropriate, if you need to
take immediate control of the situation, for example. At other times, a passive
approach may be appropriate, for example when you want to avoid an escalation
of the situation or avoid any friction and conflict.
How do you know whether you should assert yourself? If the situation allows
you to think about it, consider whether you’ll regret it if you are not assertive in
this situation; what’s at stake? What have you got to gain or lose?
What are the probable consequences of your possible assertion? Could asserting
yourself make things worse?
You may think that if you choose to submit to or withdraw from a situation you
are being weak and powerless, or that you will lose the respect of others. This
does not have to be the case. As long as you accept responsibility for how you
choose to respond, do it with grace and goodwill and don’t blame the other
person for making you respond in an unassertive way, then you are in control.
Being assertive means being direct and honest. An Arab proverb says you must
pass through three gates before you say anything: Is it necessary? Is it kind? Is it
true?
What you say to a difficult person should be able to pass through at least two of
these gates. So, telling your belligerent manager, for example, that he’s got a face
like a slapped arse may be true, but it will never pass the ‘necessary’ or ‘kind’
gates! Be honest and try your best to be considerate.
Although you are aiming to behave and communicate in a way that is fair both to
you and to others, unfortunately, some people may find it easier to label you as
difficult when you reach your limits and either stand firm or withdraw.
It is important not to give up if a situation doesn’t turn out the way you hoped.
Reflect on the conversation afterwards. Don’t get angry and resentful – that will
just prevent you from thinking clearly and constructively. Instead, ask yourself
what you would do differently next time, in a similar situation. Even if you don’t
get the outcome you want, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you
handled the situation well.
Remember, you can only change your behaviour, not theirs, but if you behave
and communicate assertively more consistently, other people are more likely to
treat you in the way you want: with respect. Adopt the attitude, ‘change begins
with me.’ By changing your approach you may find others respond differently to
you.
As you can see, there’re several aspects to being assertive. You need to be
honest, clear and specific about what you feel, want and don’t want. You have to
acknowledge and, when necessary, clarify what the other person says and feels,
be able to stand your ground and/or negotiate and compromise. You need to
identify solutions and consequences.
However, it’s not possible to do all these things at once. It would be impractical
and weird to carry around a checklist to refer to every time you had an encounter
with a difficult person. You’ve got to start somewhere, though. Set yourself up to
succeed by choosing just one or two aspects of assertiveness to focus on using
with someone else.
For example, the next time you are dealing with a difficult person, you could
choose to just focus on listening to and acknowledging what the other person
says. Or you may decide to make sure you say how you feel and start statements
with ‘I’ and not ‘you’.
In Part Two, you can see how, in a range of different scenarios, people have used
different assertive strategies and techniques to deal with a range of difficult
people.
Part Two
Putting It Into Practice
Chapter 5
Dealing With Direct Hostility
Who doesn’t encounter difficult, hostile people every now and again? Whether
it’s someone in your family, at work or out in public, openly hostile people are
confrontational, obnoxious and intimidating. An encounter with an openly
hostile person can leave you feeling upset, powerless and angry.
People usually behave in this way for one of two reasons: to dominate, control
and get what they want (instrumental aggression) or as a reaction, a response to
something that has or hasn’t happened to them (impulsive aggression).
When someone uses instrumental aggression, it’s because they’ve learnt that by
being difficult they can get whatever they want from another person. For them,
their disagreeable ways – their aggression and hostility – are nothing more than a
means to serve their ends. Yet, to you, their aggression is a weapon that leaves
you feeling hurt, confused, perhaps even bullied.
When someone uses impulsive aggression it’s usually as a result of an unmet
expectation or need, and they now feel wronged or let down. Sometimes their
anger may build; other times something suddenly happens which makes them
angry, even enraged.
Whether someone is using instrumental aggression or is impulsively aggressive
(the situations in this chapter are examples of both), it can be difficult to manage
your own feelings. There are, though, ways to avoid reacting emotionally to
someone else’s hostility; you’ll need to use listening skills and take an assertive
approach.
You can choose whether to let the hostile person dictate to you what is going to
be done. You can choose whether to engage. You can walk away at any point in
the confrontation with a hostile person.
It’s helpful to remind yourself whose problem this really is: the hostile person’s,
not yours. Only take responsibility for your own actions. You are not responsible
for anyone else’s behaviour or for the emotions someone else is feeling. You are
not to blame if they choose to be angry or upset with you, someone or something
else. They need to manage their own feelings and reactions.
With aggressive people you must send a clear signal that you are strong and
capable – anything less is an invitation for further attacks.
You can, however, help or exacerbate the situation according to your responses.
If you step out boldly, you send out a quite different message, one of confidence.
Remember to use assertive body language; you may not be feeling very
confident but you’ll certainly look it. Remind yourself to use just two or three
confident actions:
stand or sit straight
keep your head level
relax your shoulders
spread your weight evenly, on both legs
If sitting, keep your elbows on the arms of your chair (rather than tightly
against your sides)
make appropriate eye contact
lower the pitch of your voice
speak more slowly.
If you can just use one or two of those things consistently, your thoughts,
feelings and the rest of your behaviour will catch up. It’s a dynamic process
where small changes in how you use your body can add up to a big change in
how you feel, how you behave and the impact you have on other people.
An aggressive manager
Ricardo works as a journalist for a local newspaper. He gets on quite well
with his editor, Moira, but sometimes – particularly when she’s stressed –
Moira has an aggressive approach that Ricardo finds intimidating. Moira
often demands rather than asks. She doesn’t listen and interrupts others when
they’re talking.
Yesterday, she snapped at Ricardo that a feature he’d written was ‘pointless’
and ‘badly written’. When Ricardo attempted to discuss it with her, she
interrupted him and told him that he should either rewrite the feature or
‘spike’ it. She then went off to a meeting.
The difficulty
If you have someone like Moira in your life – a manager, colleague or family
member – it’s easy to feel demoralized and got at by their behaviour. We’re not
talking about someone who is a full-on bully here; this is more about someone
who, in many ways, is a reasonable person. It’s just that sometimes – maybe
when they’re stressed – their abrasiveness is difficult to deal with.
Their intimidating approach makes it unlikely that someone will have the
courage to challenge them. But unless you challenge the other person, they are
not going to change.
Of course, you need confidence to tell other people how you do or don’t want
them to behave towards you.
But rather than let fear and anxiety paralyse you, you need to deal with people
like Moira despite your fears. You’ll need courage to face them despite your fear
and concerns.
Is it you?
It could be. Maybe they could be like this with anyone but you appear weaker
than others around you and make it easy for someone like Moira to ignore,
interrupt or criticize you.
You must not try to please or pacify them or ingratiate yourself with them, but
you can’t stay silent either.
Your aim
To say how you do and don’t want to be treated.
What to do and say
1. Decide what the problem is
Is it that the other person has shouted at you? Is it that they have unfairly
criticized you for something you’ve done? Perhaps they aren’t listening to you.
Do they keep interrupting? Before you say anything, be very clear with yourself
what it is you don’t like about the way they are behaving towards you. Set limits.
What are you willing and unwilling to accept from someone else’s behaviour?
Say what you do or don’t want. Get used to telling it how you see it. If someone
snaps at you, saying, for example, ‘I’ve told you twice already!’ don’t just
automatically shrink or attack. Calmly say, ‘I’d rather you just told me again,
instead of snapping at me.’ If the other person responds with, ‘Don’t be
ridiculous. I didn’t snap at you,’ simply respond by saying, ‘I’m not being
ridiculous. Could you just explain it again?’ Or if someone were using sarcasm
against you, you would respond with, ‘Could you please just tell me what you
want?’
If they interrupt you, wait until they finish and say, ‘I’d like to finish what I was
saying now.’
2. Start with ‘I’ not ‘you’
A sure-fire way to get someone on the defensive is to start a sentence with the
word ‘you’.
‘You always interrupt!’ or ‘You never listen!’ A sentence that starts with the
word ‘you’ is probably going to involve an accusation against the other person
that will alert them to become defensive.
Blaming someone else is not going to solve the problem, so take responsibility
for what you think or feel.
Avoid insults. Say how you feel and what you do or don’t want without putting
the other person down. Suggesting that someone is mad or bad will only provoke
derision and resistance.
3. Choose where and when: Time and place
It may not be appropriate to respond to the other person immediately, for
example in front of other people or if one of you is stressed. However, if you
have to wait for an appropriate time and place, don’t let things build up to such
an extent that they just get worse. Tackle it as soon as possible.
4. Listen, respond briefly but stand your ground
For example, when Ricardo later told Moira, ‘I didn’t get a chance to discuss the
feature in more detail. You went off before I could explain or ask you more
about what exactly it was that you wanted.’ Moira snapped back, ‘Look, I told
you what you’d written just wasn’t right. I can’t see what the problem is.’ Ricardo
replied, ‘I know you said it wasn’t right and you can’t see what my problem is.’
[acknowledging what Moira said] ‘Please don’t snap at me. Can we talk about it
– now or later?’ [sticking to what he wants]
Remember to keep your tone calm and neutral. Avoid whining or coming across
as hostile in any way.
You may not get what you want every time, but don’t let that deter you. If you
consistently respond to someone in this assertive way then, more than likely, the
message will get through.
Angry customer or client
Paul works on the reception desk of an adult education centre. Last week he
was faced with an angry student, Veronica. She told Paul that she’d recently
enrolled online on two courses: a French course and an IT course. When
Veronica arrived for the French course, Paul’s colleague could find no record
of her enrolment – the course was now full and Veronica would not be able
to join it. Veronica was disappointed.
The following week, Veronica arrived for the IT course, only to discover that
it was cancelled. There weren’t enough students to run the course. Paul’s
colleague had failed to let Veronica know in good time.
Veronica was now angry, telling Paul that the adult education centre was
‘useless’. She demanded to know what Paul was going to do to rectify the
situation.
The difficulty
When someone is angry, the anger has overtaken the rational, reasonable part of
their mind. It’s easy for them to become unreasonable and illogical. Their ability
to think in a calm, reasonable way has been switched off. So, it’s as if you are
communicating with the emotion, not the person. In this situation, you can’t tell
the person (unless they are being abusive) to go away and come back when
they’re feeling calmer. You will probably have to deal with it there and then.
Is it you?
No. Unless you’re the one responsible for the mistake. Even then, you cannot be
responsible for how someone else feels – just as no one can make you feel a
certain way. You also can’t be responsible for how they respond.
Your aim
To listen to and acknowledge the other person’s situation and feelings and offer a
solution.
What to do and say
1. Use reflective listening
Reflective listening can defuse a situation like this. It helps the other person see
that their feelings and point of view are being taken seriously. Reflective
listening also helps you to manage the exchange.
An angry person needs to let it all out, so don’t say anything until they’ve
finished. Don’t interrupt, defend yourself or disagree – if you do, you are just
adding fuel to the fire.
Once they have finished speaking, acknowledge what they’ve said.
Here’s how Paul handled it:
Veronica: This is ridiculous. First, you don’t have my enrolment then, when
you do have my enrolment details, no one contacts me to let me know the
course is cancelled. I’ve been let down twice. I could have signed up for the
French class at another college but I’ve probably missed the closing date for
that now. No one here seems to know what they’re doing. What are you
going to do about it? You’re useless.
Paul: I understand that you’re very disappointed and that we’ve let you down
[acknowledging what was said and how she feels]. I’m sorry this has
happened. What I suggest…
Veronica: [interrupting Paul] Yes. I am very disappointed. I feel very let
down. So what are you going to do about it?
Paul: What I was going to say was that I could see what other days we have
a French class that might suit you. Or–
Veronica: [interrupting again] I can only do Monday or Friday mornings.
Paul: OK. You’re only free on those two mornings [acknowledging what
Veronica said]. If we don’t have anything on a Friday, I can phone the
college on the other side of town and see what they have on a Monday or
Friday.
By using reflective listening in the same way that Paul has, you avoid being
drawn into arguments and remain focused on the issue in hand by responding
only to what is relevant and what you can or should deal with.
The conversation continued:
Veronica: What about the IT class? I really need to get some IT skills and I
was relying on getting on this course to help me. My friend Jamal has done
this course. He said the tutor is really good. I enrolled online. What happened
there? Why wasn’t my registration processed?
Paul: OK, you still want to get onto an IT class. That’s great to hear that
someone else has recommended the course to you [acknowledging]. Let me
sort out the French class first and we can move on to looking into IT classes.
I’m not sure why your online enrolment failed [acknowledging]. If you enrol
online in future, do make sure you receive a confirmation email. If you don’t,
you can phone us to check [offering a solution].
2. Negotiate and offer compromises
Where possible, aim to negotiate and offer a compromise solution and
alternative course of action. Paul has done this. Although it’s difficult with
someone who is rude, do refrain from making judgements. Paul, for example,
did not say, ‘You should have realized you didn’t have a place when you didn’t
get a confirmation email. Anyone would know that.’ Instead, he phrased it in
more helpful way, saying, ‘If you enrol online in future, do make sure you
receive a confirmation email. If you don’t, you can phone us to check.’
It’s not the easiest approach, but responding to rudeness with a pleasant neutral
attitude can help defuse the situation and give the other person a way to back
down with grace. Being respectful and kind can also help you feel less stressed
when you’re faced with someone who is difficult to deal with.
Angry teenager
Mo’s son, Jack, is 13. In recent months, Mo has battled with Jack about a
variety of things which ended up with Jack flying off the handle, shouting
and swearing at Mo. Yesterday, he had the following exchange with Jack:
Mo: I got a text from your history teacher. Why didn’t you do your
homework?
Jack: I just didn’t. I’m fucking pissed off with that teacher.
Mo: Don’t you dare talk like that!
Jack: Why not? You swear, too.
Mo: I’m warning you. You’d better change your attitude. And go and
clean up your room.
As Jack storms off to his room, Mo says he’s going to remove Jack’s Xbox
from his room for a week. He says, ‘I warned you this would happen if you
didn’t do your homework again.’ (Mo relents the next day and lets Jack keep
his Xbox.)
Jack complains loudly and emotionally about how unfair Mo is. Before he
slammed his bedroom door, Mo heard him mumble under his breath ‘Stupid
bastard.’
The difficulty
It’s disturbing and upsetting when your young son or daughter turns into
someone who is openly hostile.
If your teenager’s behaviour and your reactions are well established, it won’t be
easy to break the cycle. But don’t let this put you off. Rather than seeing things
in terms of ‘me versus you’, you can use a ‘beginner’s mind’: you can try a new,
more constructive approach. It’s never too late!
Is it you?
Yes. It is you. You are the parent and you are the adult. It’s your job to take
control. You don’t have to put up with swearing but be careful how you react,
because your response can either improve or weaken your relationship. Being
too lenient could lead to more worrisome behaviour. Be too strict, though, and
your teenager could feel that they can’t express himself, which will lead to a
communication shutdown.
Your aim
To say what is and isn’t acceptable. To set limits and consequences and to stick
to them.
What to do and say
1. Use reflective listening
You can help avoid a full-blown argument and manage the situation before it has
a chance to get out of hand by using reflective listening. It will help to slow the
situation down. Here’s how Mo could start to handle the exchange:
Mo: I’ve received a text from your history teacher. Why didn’t you do your
homework?
Jack: I just didn’t. I’m fucking pissed off with that teacher.
Mo: You might feel strongly about your teacher [acknowledging what Jack
said], but can you tell me why you didn’t do your homework?
Jack: Because I just didn’t. All right?
Mo: Fine. I can see you’re angry [acknowledging Jack’s feelings]. Let’s talk
about it later.
Jack: No, I’m not going to fucking talk about it later.
At this point, saying anything more is likely to escalate the situation. When one
or both of you are angry, the anger will overtake the rational, reasonable part of
your mind and it’s easy to become unreasonable and illogical. Either person’s
ability to think in a calm, reasonable way will have been overridden.
Here, Jack is already angry – Mo must keep his reaction as mild as possible.
Yelling, making threats or shouting ‘How dare you? I’m your father!’ will only
make things worse.
2. Choose the right time to discuss the situation
Later, when you are feeling calm and your teenager is likely to be more
receptive, you need to talk. Negotiate. Be clever about it. If your teenager asks
you for something – a lift, to lend them some money etc. – say, ‘Sure. But first,
we need to talk about…’
You may feel that rather than risk a row it’s easier to let it go. But if you ignore
the situation, nothing will change – it may even get worse. You need to have a
‘problem-solving conversation’.
3. Decide what it is that you do and don’t want: Set limits
You need to be clear about what is and is not acceptable to you.
By all means let your teenager blow off steam and express their anger and
frustration, but you must set limits about swearing and abusive language. You
may feel that any swearing is completely unacceptable or that it’s OK in certain
circumstances. Either way, be aware that there’s a difference between swearing
in general and swearing at someone.
Swearing in general is using extreme language and expletives in frustration or to
emphasise something. Swearing at someone – calling them names – is verbal
abuse. It’s an aggressive attack directed at a person.
So ‘I’m fucking pissed off with that teacher’ is swearing in general. When he
mumbled, ‘Stupid bastard,’ Jack was being verbally abusive. There’s no excuse
for abuse of any kind. It is not just disturbing, it’s damaging. (If you swear in
general or at your kids or partner, you must take responsibility and think about
how you justify or change your behaviour.)
4. Start with ‘I’ not ‘you’
A sentence that starts with the word ‘you’ is probably going to involve an
accusation against the other person that will alert them to become defensive.
In contrast, ‘I’ statements will give him or her less to challenge. The other person
can argue with you if you say, ‘You are out of order…’ but not with ‘I feel
upset…’
Make sure you own your feelings. Do not tell someone that they are making you
feel like you do.
Simply say, ‘I feel embarrassed/angry/upset when…’ This also shows that you
are affected by the issue and therefore need to resolve it.
5. Be prepared: Identify consequences
Although Mo will accept swearing in general, he (understandably) gets upset if
Jack is abusive towards him.
It’s important to calmly think of consequences before you approach someone
about their hostile behaviour. Remember to think in terms of solutions and
consequences, not threats and punishments. Threats and punishments usually
lead to more conflict. Solutions and consequences, though, give you answers and
ways forward.
Mo decided that the solution to Jack’s verbal abuse was to tell him how he felt
about it (upset), what he wanted (for Jack to stop swearing at him) and what the
consequences would be if he didn’t comply. Mo said that if he swore at him and
called him names, then he wouldn’t do whatever it was that he next asked from
Mo, give Jack a lift to his friend’s house that evening, for example.
However, one thing is crucial: whatever consequences you decide on, you have
to stand firm and carry out those consequences.
Let your teenager know there will be consequences if he or she crosses the line.
Let them know ahead of time so they won’t be caught by surprise when you
impose those consequences. Most importantly, follow through. Being consistent
and sticking to what you say is the only way to show you mean business!
Of course, there may be fallout as a result. They may sulk, get angry or burst
into tears. They may stop talking to you. If you stand your ground, you must
accept that there may be consequences. Do not, though, let that be a reason for
you to give in.
Road rage
Shona was driving through the countryside on a minor road to a meeting in a
town 20 miles away. There was very little traffic but at one point, when
Shona glanced in her mirror, she saw another car was suddenly driving very
close to hers. Shona knew they’d reach a straight stretch in a couple of miles
and thought that the other car would pass then.
When she glanced in the mirror again, the other driver was gesturing angrily
at her. Shona felt a bit scared but was determined not to let the other person
‘win’. However, before they did reach the straight stretch of road, the other
driver overtook Shona on a bend and cut her off, forcing her to swerve onto
a grass verge.
Remember, thinking of solutions, alternative courses of action and consequences
gives you control and puts you in charge. You decide what changes you will
make and what direction events are going to take if the other person doesn’t
cooperate.
The difficulty
To remain calm and not to engage with the other driver. Once you get angry, you
are also guilty of road rage. It’s dangerous to both of you as well as other drivers
and will only escalate the situation.
Is it you?
Yes and no. Of course, it’s not your fault if the other person drives in such a
dangerous way; there’s no excuse for road rage.
But, if you’re determined not to let the other person pass, if you deliberately
speed up or brake to warn the other person off, you are exacerbating the
situation.
Don’t give another driver another reason to get mad at you. Make sure you’re
concentrating properly when driving. Don’t be guilty of ‘lane hogging’. Don’t let
yourself be distracted by loud music or passengers in your car. And put your
mobile phone somewhere out of sight so you’re not tempted to use it while
driving.
Your aim
To remain safe and calm.
What to do and say
1. Choose to be passive
Say nothing. If an angry driver yells at you or makes an angry or obscene
gesture, do not respond in the same way. Keep your eyes on the road and as soon
as it’s safe, get out of the way of an aggressive driver. Try to make it safe for him
or her to pass you: pull in, turn off or go round a roundabout twice.
Assuming that what you do want is to be safe and what you don’t want is to get
into a verbal or physical confrontation, put your pride in the back seat.
Why try to block that driver or confront them? You can control the situation
more easily than that. How? Simply decide that you will let the other driver pass
as soon as it’s safe to do so. Regard it as a positive decision in the face of
overwhelming odds that are not of your choosing and not of your making.
Do not challenge another driver by speeding up or trying to prevent him or her
from getting into your lane. This will not change their attitude or behaviour.
Rather, it will create an opportunity for the situation to escalate.
And don’t sacrifice your own safety on the road by allowing yourself to be
intimidated or break the speed limit.
Afterwards, if necessary, pull over where and when it’s safe to do so, calm down
then continue your journey once you’re feeling steadier.
If you’re being persistently harassed by the same aggressive driver, you may
want to make your way to a safe, public place and call the police.
Use tact and strength
Openly hostile people are belligerent; they’re ready for a confrontation, so
dealing with them requires both tact and strength. On the one hand, you want to
avoid provoking more anger and hostility but, on the other hand, you don’t want
to say or do anything that will make you appear scared, weak or a pushover.
Even if you started off feeling quite calm, when faced with an openly hostile
person, you could soon feel yourself getting confused and upset, frustrated or
angry.
The challenge is to manage your own heightened emotions and the other
person’s. Whatever the situation, there are ways to avoid reacting emotionally to
someone else’s hostility.
There are several dos and don’ts to consider:
Do
Clarify what, exactly, the other person’s problem is.
Find out what they do and don’t want.
Set limits: what levels of open hostility are you willing and unwilling to
accept?
Acknowledge the other person’s situation and feelings
Consider compromises and solutions.
Listen. Acknowledge the response but, if you need to, stand your ground.
Choose a couple of assertive gestures, expressions, stances and actions to
help you come across with confidence. You may not be feeling very
confident but you’ll certainly look it.
Don’t
Interrupt, counter-attack, get abusive, sling insults or place blame.
Become overly defensive or counter-attack; this will only cause them to
restate their case more heatedly.
Stick around if you feel threatened or unsafe.
Chapter 6
Dealing With Indirect Hostility
Dealing with somebody who is angry, upset or disappointed but unwilling or
unable to be direct and honest about it is usually confusing and often infuriating.
Most of the time, it’s unclear why they choose to behave in this way; their
motives and intentions are hidden. If you confront a person when they’re
behaving in an indirectly hostile way, they will deny responsibility and turn it
round on you instead.
Experience teaches most of us to avoid or minimize being around people like
this. Too often, though, that difficult person is a family member or colleague,
and managing the relationship by distancing yourself or cutting yourself off
altogether is not really possible.
If you do have to interact with these people on a regular basis, tolerating their
passive aggression will only encourage the negative behaviour to continue and
intensify. The answer is to be prepared for a difficult encounter, knowing it will
take a special effort to hold onto your own sense of self, stay calm to get some
straight answers and clarify what’s going on.
Remaining calm and composed in the face of unreasonableness will help you
figure out exactly what you’re dealing with. You can then plan a way forward.
Rather than try to change their attitude and behaviour, focus on how well you
can manage your own. Let yourself, not the other person, be the one who sets the
tone of the relationship.
Here, we look at how to assertively guide the other person into more
constructive action in four different situations.
The wrong-footer
Carrie works for a small training company. She has been asked by her
manager to work with Ben to write and deliver a training course for a new
client. The last time Carrie worked with Ben was to deliver training to a
group of medical staff. When they were planning that training, Ben was
quite negative about Carrie’s ideas for the training. He contributed very little
himself; Carrie felt it was all left to her. On the training day, Ben didn’t keep
to the training plan. Instead, he added in a couple of new training activities
and ‘forgot’ to deliver the training in the way that Carrie thought they’d
agreed on. She was thrown off balance; she felt confused and her confidence
was undermined.
When Carrie tried to talk to Ben about it the next day, he just shrugged and
said that, on the day, he just came up with some ideas that he thought would
be worth using, that he couldn’t see what the problem was. Now she has to
work with him again.
The difficulty
It can be incredibly frustrating when you think someone has agreed to a plan of
action only to discover that you’ve been wrong-footed; the other person has
deliberately done something you didn’t expect that has put you in a difficult
situation.
They are behaving in a seemingly harmless way but their insidious, underhand
ways take you by surprise and, one way or another, put you at a disadvantage.
Whether it’s a colleague, a friend or family member, a tradesperson – a builder,
plumber, gardener – if you confront the ‘wrong-footer’ about their unpredictable
behaviour, they will probably make excuses such as, ‘I changed my mind’ or
claim, ‘I did tell you’, ‘You didn’t ask me’ or ‘I didn’t agree to do that.’
This type of sabotage can undermine you and make it appear that it’s you who
doesn’t know what they’re doing. You are left feeling confused and frustrated.
Is it you?
It could be. When someone else does something that takes you by surprise and
puts you in an embarrassing or difficult situation, it could be because you didn’t
give them an opportunity to express what they did or didn’t want. Maybe they
did try to say something but you weren’t really listening. Perhaps you didn’t
confirm that they were happy with the plan of action and simply assumed that
they had committed to it.
Your aim
To enable the other person to be clear and honest about what they do and don’t
want and to be clear about what you’ve both agreed to and then get them to
commit to it.
What to do and say
If you’ve just been wrong-footed – if someone has just taken you by surprise and
put you in a difficult situation – you may be wondering just how to respond. You
may feel the urge to strike back and vent your frustration, or even become
passive aggressive yourself. Neither approach is helpful, as the other person will
likely respond to your overt accusations with sarcasm, denial or by putting
themselves in a victim role or will respond to any passive aggressiveness on
your part with even more covert hostility and then you’ll just end up in an
unpleasant tit for tat.
Time and energy are wasted trying to prove what was and wasn’t agreed, who’s
right and who’s wrong. If you do choose to confront the other person, avoid
making accusations and statements that begin with the word ‘you’, because these
are more likely to trigger defensiveness. Instead, use sentences that begin with
‘I’, followed by facts. For example, ‘I was surprised that…’ or ‘I was
disappointed when…’ or ‘I felt confused when…’
Rather than getting into a confrontation, reflect on what you’ve learnt from the
experience and resolve to handle things differently next time. You can minimize
the possibility of someone undermining you by taking the following steps:
1. Use active listening to find out what the other person
would like to do or not do
Ask the other person for their ideas. Ask open questions such as, ‘What would
you like to happen?’ Even if they only have a vague idea, it’s a starting point,
something to discuss and build on.
In the case of Carrie and Ben, Ben did actually offer a couple of ideas but Carrie
wasn’t listening. When you are discussing something with someone, ask
yourself, ‘Am I giving the other person every opportunity to give their opinion’?
Often, a person will wrong-foot you because they didn’t feel they had a voice or
they think that they’re not being listened to. You can, though, help them assert
themselves, to be honest and direct about what they do or don’t want.
If the other person is unsure or appears reluctant to express their ideas, offer
some suggestions and ask what they think about those ideas; which ideas do they
think may or may not work? What do they think would help? Try to draw them
out with open-ended questions.
You can also offer them the choice to do nothing; assume they don’t want to do
something but struggle to be direct about it. Listen and acknowledge their
response.
Having a ‘let’s work together’ attitude goes a long way to helping the other
person to assert themselves and say what they honestly feel.
2. Be prepared to negotiate and compromise
Now that you have helped the other person to assert themselves, you are in a
position to respond. You may disagree with their ideas and opinions, so find
common ground for a solution and try to offer an alternative that works for you
and benefits the other person as well.
Using reflective listening skills, Carrie, for example, should have listened and
acknowledged Ben’s two ideas, suggested her own, discussed all their ideas – the
pros and cons – and then negotiated on what to include and what to leave out.
3. Stand your ground
If, though, when you ask the other person what they want to see happen they are
unresponsive or refuse to express an opinion, take a stand and tell them what you
are going to do and what you are willing to do to move things forward.
Remain flexible: offer the other person an opportunity to express their thoughts
and feelings about what you suggest but tell them that if they don’t respond
you’ll assume they are OK with your ideas or plan of action.
4. Confirm what has been agreed
At the end of a conversation or meeting, confirm what you think has been
accepted and agreed about what is going to happen next. If this is a situation at
work, you can confirm the agreement in writing, in an email, for example. Keep
a note of facts, issues, agreements, disagreements, timelines and deadlines.
Even with family and friends, you can send a less formal email detailing what
you’ve both agreed. Ask the other person to reply to confirm that they are happy
with what you are both going to do, but remain flexible – ask them to include
any changes they may have thought of since you spoke.
5. Identify consequences
Decide what the consequences will be if the other person goes back on what was
agreed and wrong-foots you again. It may or may not be appropriate to tell the
other person in advance, but if you do, make sure you express your intentions in
terms of consequences and not threats. Keep everything factual, not emotional.
Explaining consequences is one of the most powerful things you can use when
dealing with a potential wrong-footer. Calmly articulated, consequences lower
resistance and compel cooperation.
Indirect controlling
Ellie is part of a community group which is raising money to renovate the
local community hall. Ellie is on the events team. They run events such as
pop-up restaurants, quizzes, pantomimes and discos. Dee is responsible for
the publicity. Her role is to promote events via social media and to get
posters designed, printed and distributed.
Whenever Ellie or one of the events team emails her with details of an event
they want promoted, Dee finds a way to resist; she stalls and is obstructive.
Dee’s email responses to requests usually start with a compliment. She tells
them, for example, that they’re all doing a great job and are a ‘fab team’ but
she then goes on to find a way to obstruct the team’s requests.
Recent pretexts have begun with, ‘That’s a great idea. It would be brilliant,
though if…’ and ‘Top idea. Only problem is…’ And ‘First things first – you
lot are awesome … but it will be difficult to…’ and ‘A fabulous idea! We
just need to wait a bit in order to…’
Dee then gives a reason – or, rather, an excuse – to justify a different course
of action.
She stalls and delays actions; publicity isn’t forthcoming or is late and the
rest of the events team often end up doing a last-minute panic job
themselves.
Recently, the events team organized a Mexican Night at short notice. When
Ellie emailed Dee asking for the event to be promoted, Dee’s response was,
‘It’s a shame to have such a short lead-in time to work with – I hope we can
come up with a workable solution.’
Ellie finds Dee’s approach patronizing, condescending and very frustrating.
The difficulty
It’s not easy to get to grips with a person like Dee – she is controlling without
appearing to be. (Dee privately thinks that the events team is a bunch of
amateurs; she thinks she could do better but doesn’t have the time to do the
publicity and organize events.)
When someone behaves in this way, rather than be direct and honest about what
they think, they use pretexts (dishonest excuses) to conceal the true purpose or
rationale behind their actions and words. Typically, they give mixed messages
and are unclear about what they really mean.
Is it you?
You may feel that it is. You may feel confused and frustrated and wonder
whether you are overreacting. If you have to deal with someone like Dee, it’s
easy to react by playing the same game: using underhand ways to get back at
them. Don’t get sucked in. There are constructive ways to deal with this
difficult person.
Your aim
To take back control of the situation and get what you want.
What to do and say
1. Identify solutions and alternative courses of action
Ask yourself these questions:
What do I want the other person to do or not do?
What am I prepared to negotiate and compromise on?
What will the solution be if the other person refuses to cooperate?
Having thought about what, exactly, you do or don’t want and how far you’re
prepared to negotiate and compromise, you will need to decide what the solution
will be if the other person digs their heels in and refuses to cooperate.
For example, before she spoke to Dee, Ellie could have thought through in
advance what the solution and way forward would be if Dee looked like she
might try to block Ellie’s request.
Remember: it’s important to think in terms of solutions, not threats. Threats raise
the emotional temperature and usually lead to more conflict. Solutions, though,
give you alternative ways forward if the other person won’t cooperate.
Thinking of solutions and alternative courses of action gives you control and
puts you in charge. You decide what changes you will make and what direction
events are going to take if the other person doesn’t cooperate.
Ellie has decided that if Dee won’t cooperate, if she cannot commit to organizing
the publicity for the Mexican Night by a particular date, the events team can
organize the design and printing of the posters themselves.
2. Say what you want and don’t want
State what you need. If the other person doesn’t seem to be listening, or tries to
sidetrack you, stick to your point. Repeat it calmly until you feel that you are
being heard.
Do not back down, defend your request or counter-attack. Calmly respond to the
other person in a way that both acknowledges you have listened and confirms
you are standing firm.
For example, Ellie could say, ‘I understand you feel it’s short notice and I agree
with you, it is short notice [acknowledging what Dee said]. We still need the
posters by the end of next week though.’ [sticking to what she wants]
3. Stand your ground or negotiate
Where possible, aim to negotiate, to find a solution that works for you and the
other person as well. Ask questions to find out what, exactly, the other person is
prepared to do.
For example, Ellie said to Dee: ‘OK. I’ll phone you on Tuesday – if by then you
don’t think you can get them done by the end of the week, don’t worry; we’ll sort
out the posters ourselves. Would you be OK to Tweet about the event and post it
on Facebook?’
4. What if the other person refuses to cooperate?
If the other person still appears to be procrastinating or finding excuses, don’t get
angry or defensive. Instead, calmly disengage yourself from the conversation.
Negative Ned
Sam’s brother, Ned, has a negative approach to most things in life and sees
himself as being at the mercy of other people’s actions. Ned focuses on the
downside of every issue.
Sam, Ned and their sister Natalie all live in London. Their mum, Pat, who
was widowed a year ago, lives 100 miles away. She would like to move to
London and live closer to her children and grandchildren. Whenever Sam
and Natalie discuss it with Ned, he has nothing positive to contribute. He
says that their mum won’t like living in London, that she won’t like living in
a flat and that she’ll expect them to call round all the time and run errands for
her and so on.
If Sam or Natalie ask, ‘Don’t you want Mum to move closer to us and her
grandchildren?’ he responds with, ‘I never said that,’ but refuses to
acknowledge anything positive about their mother moving nearer to them
all.
The difficulty
Other people can be seen as drains or radiators; radiators emanate warmth and
draw you towards them, whereas drains suck the life out of you. Ned is a drain.
The difficulty here is to resist being sucked in, to stay positive and take action
despite the other person’s negativity. A negative person’s views are likely to be
firmly entrenched, so it’s pointless trying to argue: they’ll find all sorts of reasons
to back up their way of interpreting events.
Is it you?
No. Negative people get stuck in patterns of negative ways of thinking and
behaving, focusing on the negative and ignoring the positive aspects of a
situation. It’s a habit they’ve developed; it’s their default way of thinking. It’s not
surprising if you feel exasperated or drained by their negative attitude.
Your aim
To acknowledge their way of seeing things. To avoid disagreeing with them and,
instead, to focus on the positive aspects of a situation.
What to do and say
1. Have positive expectations
It’s easy to have negative expectations of a negative person, but it will come out
in your verbal and non-verbal communication and this can just feed into the
other person’s negativity.
Try coming at them with the positive mindset you wish they had. It’s not easy to
talk naysayers out of their misery. They are usually resistant to thinking
differently. The best you can aim for is to understand their perspective without
endorsing it.
2. Acknowledge what the other person says
If what you hear are complaints, criticisms and negative interpretations of
events, don’t interrupt, defend, agree or disagree. Just listen. Acknowledge what
they’ve said and how they feel. Remember, just reflecting the person’s feelings
by saying things like, ‘It seems that you feel frustrated by…’ can help the other
person feel understood. Acknowledge their points and feelings and move on.
You can even pre-empt what they’ll say by bringing up the negative aspects
yourself. Then dismiss the negatives logically and direct attention to the more
positive aspects of the situation.
3. Identify solutions
As negative people tend to dismiss every solution you bring up, ask them what
they think may be the best solution. When Ned said, ‘Someone is going to have
to sort out Mum’s house. She’ll never be able to take all that stuff with her. I’ve
told her hundreds of times that she should sort out all that clutter. But, of course,
she never listens to me,’ Natalie acknowledged what he said but focused only on
what he said that was relevant – the need to sort out their mum’s belongings –
and she asked Ned how he thought they could tackle that.
If you listen carefully, you can often find something in what the other person
says, in the same way Natalie did, that you can turn into something positive. It’s
hard work but it is possible.
How you ask questions and restate what the other person said is crucial. Keep
your tone calm and neutral. Avoid coming across as sarcastic or hostile.
When you respond to their answer, remember to stick to the issue and not
respond to their negativity. It’s crucial that you avoid getting sucked into the
other person’s negativity – focusing on what’s relevant is a way to do that.
Regardless of what they say, you can choose to declare what you are willing to
do. Or you can simply get on with what you need to get done.
4. Challenge extreme terms
Often, when people are being negative, they speak in extreme terms that match
their worldviews. (Ned claimed he’d told their mother ‘hundreds of times’ to sort
through all her things.)
So, if the other person says, ‘I always have to’ or ‘It never…’ Acknowledge
their view, but then present your perspective. ‘I understand that it seems like it’s
always you, and yet…’
5. Take responsibility for how you feel
Don’t allow guilt about wanting to avoid their negativity make you spend the
next two hours listening.
You can tell the other person that their constant negativity is a drain. If you do,
take responsibility for how you feel, rather than accuse them of ‘making’ you
feel drained. Natalie or Sam could, for example, say, ‘I find it difficult to remain
positive when your responses are so negative. Let’s talk about this another time.’
Difficult teenager
Jenny and Paul’s daughter, Sophie, is 14. She has recently become very
difficult. She shuts herself away in her bedroom and doesn’t answer when
she’s called. She either ‘forgets’ to do jobs like vacuum or wash up or does
them badly. Sophie often comes home later than she agreed to – she says the
bus didn’t turn up or she left something at a friend’s and had to return to
collect it. Sophie doesn’t answer her phone when Jenny or Paul call her to
find out where she is. Jenny and Paul nag, threaten and repeat themselves,
but Sophie doesn’t pay much attention to anything they say.
The difficulty
The difficulty for Jenny and Paul is getting Sophie to communicate and
cooperate. Because they don’t know how to negotiate and compromise, many
teenagers become experts at this kind of hostile passive aggressive behaviour.
They use passive resistance to gain control and get back at you. They don’t want
to do what their Mum and Dad say, so they pretend not to have heard you, they
‘forget’ what you said or they say, ‘You never told me that.’ They invent
elaborate excuses for why they did or didn’t do something.
Is it you?
Yes. When your child makes the change from childhood to adulthood, you also
have to make some changes – in the way you communicate as a parent. Your
teenager has got to a stage where they have their own opinions and preferences
but either don’t know how to negotiate and compromise or have been shut down
when they do. You must both learn to negotiate and compromise; you must help
your teenager shift from a position of passive aggressive resistance to one of
open discussion and mutual agreements.
Your aim
To negotiate and compromise. To follow through with solutions and
consequences if your teenager doesn’t cooperate.
What to do and say
1. Be prepared: Identify potential solutions and
consequences
If you’re currently struggling to deal with a difficult teenager and there’s
something you want them to do, start by asking yourself:
What do I want and not want?
What am I prepared to compromise on and how far will I negotiate; what are
my limits?
What will the solution, way forward and consequences be if he or she refuses
to cooperate?
Having thought about what, exactly, you do or don’t want and how far you’re
prepared to negotiate and compromise, you’ll need to decide what the solution
will be if your teenager doesn’t do what you ask.
For example, before she asked Sophie to vacuum the house, Jenny decided what
the solution and consequences would be if Sophie didn’t comply.
Remember, it’s important to think in terms of solutions and consequences, not
threats or punishments. Threats are a warning of trouble; they raise the
emotional temperature and usually lead to more conflict. Solutions, though, give
you alternative ways forward if the other person won’t cooperate.
And instead of thinking in terms of punishments, it’s far better to think in terms
of logical consequences. Consequences are the natural result of the other
person’s action or inaction. Consequences can lower resistance and compel
cooperation.
2. Say what you want and what you don’t want
Be specific, keep it short and concise. Your point will be lost if you ramble, nag
or moan. Jenny simply said, ‘I’d like you to vacuum the house today.’
3. Listen and acknowledge or clarify the reply
Rather than say what they feel or think, the other person may mutter their dissent
to themselves or use a non-verbal way of expressing their feelings, for example
by not saying anything, giving dirty looks or rolling their eyes. Do not get drawn
in!
Sophie rolled her eyes and replied that she’d homework to do in the morning and
was going out with her friends in the afternoon.
Before she responded, Jenny clarified what Sophie had said, ‘Are you saying
you’re busy all day?’ She kept her voice calm and neutral. You must avoid
coming across as hostile in any way.
4. Negotiate and compromise
As much as possible, aim to negotiate and compromise. Look for solutions and
alternative courses of action. In this case, Jenny simply asked Sophie when
would be a good time for Sophie to vacuum. Asking what works for the other
person shows that you are not just making demands, that you are prepared to be
flexible and that they have a choice.
Sophie’s reply to Jenny’s question was ‘tomorrow’. Instead of insisting that
Sophie comply and do the vacuuming today, Jenny compromised and negotiated.
She said, ‘OK. Tomorrow is fine with me, but I’d like it done in the morning.
How does that sound?’
Be reasonable about the timeframe and give them choices so that they feel they
have some control over what they do or don’t want.
However, as a parent of three boys – all now grown up – I have to admit to a
certain amount of manipulation here! I taught our sons to negotiate by asking for
something to be done at an unreasonable time. For example, when they were in
their early teens, if one of them – say it was Tom – was going out for the
evening, I would say that he had to be in by 10 p.m. This was, in fact, an hour
earlier than I did actually want him home. Tom would protest and say it wasn’t
fair. I would ask what time he wanted to come home and he would say,
‘Midnight.’ We would then quickly reach a mutually agreeable time – 11.15.
Tom soon learnt this way of negotiating and compromising; it soon became
second nature to him!
Often, people behave in a passive aggressive way because they don’t feel they
have any power or say in what does or doesn’t happen. Being prepared to
negotiate means that you give the other person a voice.
Also, when you negotiate and compromise, you’ve neither given in nor become
so het up that the other person can divert the issue by accusing you of losing it.
5. Stand your ground
If you do choose to negotiate or compromise, bend as far as you can, but no
further. Know what your limits are and stand your ground.
It’s at this point that you should explain what the solution and consequences will
be if your son or daughter doesn’t cooperate. They need to take responsibility if
they don’t do what they agreed to.
Jenny explained that it was fine for Sophie to vacuum the next day and she’d be
happy to give Sophie a lift to her friend’s house at lunchtime. But that if Sophie
didn’t vacuum, she’d wait until it was done before she gave her a lift.
If your teenager argues, you don’t need to defend yourself, argue or back down.
Instead, calmly respond in a way that both acknowledges you have listened and
confirms you are standing firm. For example, ‘You may think I’m being unfair
[acknowledging what Sophie said] but I still want you to vacuum this weekend.
Once you’ve done it, I’m happy to give you a lift’ [sticking to what she wants].
Don’t get drawn into an argument – acknowledge their points and feelings and
move on.
Keep consequences relevant. Don’t say, ‘If you don’t come home on time, I’m
taking your laptop away.’ Do say, ‘If you don’t come home on time, I will need
to phone your friends to find out where you are.’
And don’t say, ‘If you don’t do your homework again, you’ll lose your phone for
three days.’ Do say, ‘If you don’t do your homework, I’ll need to make an
appointment to see your teacher to discuss what we can do.’
The ability to assert consequences is an effective way of dealing with a passive
aggressive person. Consequences give pause to a difficult person and compel
them to shift from obstruction to cooperation. But you must follow through;
otherwise, you’ll lose all control!
Thinking of solutions, alternative courses of action and consequences gives you
control and puts you in charge. You decide what changes you will make and
what direction events are going to take if the other person doesn’t cooperate.
Recognize the warning signs
When you can recognize typical passive aggressive actions, comments and
behaviour for what they are – indirect, dishonest ways a person expresses what
they really feel, do or don’t want – then you have a head start in your dealings
with them.
Some of the most common passive aggressive behaviours that you need to be
aware of include sulking, stalling, ‘forgetting’, blaming someone or something
else, ignoring, making excuses and lying. All these things are ways a person can
use to indirectly control, manipulate or sabotage.
Refuse to engage
Being able to recognize passive aggressive behaviours at face value can alert you
to a potential no-win power struggle. When you sense these destructive
dynamics coming into play, try to prepare by telling yourself, ‘They are being
passive aggressive and I will not play their game,’ and ‘I will not yell or be
sarcastic because this will only play into their hands.’
Remember, it will take a special effort to hold onto your own sense of self, stay
calm and get some straight answers in order to clarify what’s going on with the
other person. You need to remain calm and composed so that you can assertively
guide the other person into more constructive communication.
There are several dos and don’ts to consider:
Do
Remember that people often behave in a passive aggressive way because
they don’t feel they have any control or a say in what does or doesn’t happen.
Assume the other person does or doesn’t want to do something but struggles
to say so.
Give them a voice, enable them to assert themselves, to be honest and direct
about how they feel and what they do or don’t want.
Ask the other person for their ideas. Ask open questions such as, ‘What
would you like to happen?’ Ask them what they think would be the best
solution.
Offer suggestions and ask for their opinion.
Compromise. Being prepared to compromise and negotiate means that you
give the other person a voice.
Confirm what you think has been agreed.
Stand your ground. If they are unresponsive or refuse to express an opinion,
take a stand and tell them what you are going to do to move things forward.
Identify consequences (not threats). Remember, consequences lower
resistance and compel cooperation.
Don’t
Get drawn into the other person’s way of dealing with things; avoid using
sarcasm, excuses and lies. Remain honest and calm.
Make accusations and statements that begin with the word ‘you’. Instead, use
sentences that begin with ‘I’, followed by facts.
Try to prove what was and wasn’t agreed, who’s right and who’s wrong.
Get angry or defensive. If the other person still appears to be procrastinating,
blaming, finding excuses and so on, calmly disengage yourself from the
conversation.
Chapter 7
Dealing With Passive People
Most people would consider someone else’s niceness, calmness and tolerance to
be positive qualities that make interactions pleasant for everyone involved. For
the most part, their passivity deflects confrontation and conflict. Well, it may be
true that the meek shall inherit the earth but that doesn’t make it any easier for
the rest of us!
While passive people are easy-going and easy to like, they can be difficult to
deal with. Rather than speak up, passives take the path of least resistance by
either avoiding or accommodating people and situations.
The trick is to be assertive with these people before you become irritated and
impatient with them. You are much more able to deal with a passive person
when you like them and when you view them positively, rather than when you’ve
become irritated and impatient with them!
The flaky friend
Lizzie and Sarah’s children go to the same playgroup. Sarah is lovely; she’s
kind, gentle and calm – she and Lizzie get on very well and often arrange to
do things together – coffee in the morning while the children are at school,
outings in the holidays with the kids and so on.
The problem is that Sarah often pulls out of arrangements because of
someone else’s needs or demands. Yesterday, she cancelled a play date for
their children because, she said, another mother had asked Sarah’s daughter
to go to her house to play with her child, Ruby. Ruby had been off school
with a broken leg and was bored.
Recently, Sarah pulled out of a birthday trip that Lizzie had organized to
London to see a show, with the children. Sarah explained that her mum –
who is on her own – had asked to come and stay with her and that she,
Sarah, couldn’t say no; her mum is lonely.
When she lets Lizzie down, Sarah always apologizes and says how awful
she feels about it but that she finds it difficult to say no. Lizzie is annoyed
but doesn’t want to drop Sarah as a friend.
The difficulty
Someone who is trying to be nice to everyone all the time often overcommits
themselves because they can’t say no to other people, but inevitably they end up
letting someone else down. They’re unavailable and unreliable.
There are times when you’ll invite someone out and they’ll say yes at the time of
being asked. Whether they intend to come and then change their mind or find it
difficult to say no directly at the time of being asked is not easy to tell.
It could be that they are indecisive, they don’t really want to go but don’t want to
hurt your feelings or they can’t say no to other demands that come up.
The question is where you draw the line. When is flakiness within a normal
range and just irritating and when does it become annoying and disrespectful?
There’s no clear answer to that. It’s something you have to judge for yourself.
Is it you?
No. It’s one thing for a friend to occasionally drop out of an event, but if they do
it consistently, or they repeatedly inconvenience you, then that is something to
get wound up about! But if you want to keep this friend, you have to change
your expectations.
Your aim
To make yourself less vulnerable to their inability to commit.
What to do and say
1. Have realistic expectations
We all have beliefs and expectations about the right and wrong way that others
ought to behave towards us. When others fail to meet your expectations, you
may feel disappointed, upset or resentful.
You may expect your friends, for example, to be reliable and commit to
arrangements. However, if you think things can’t be ‘right’ unless people meet
your expectations, then, too often, you are going to feel disappointed, upset or
angry.
Your expectations need to be realistic; they should be based on what is a real or
practical way for a particular person to behave. Once you accept that your
expectations are not realistic, you are in a position to do something to free
yourself from being dominated by them.
Sarah has demonstrated several times that she is unreliable. Lizzie can’t change
this. If she still wants to be friends with Sarah, she would be better off
recognizing and accepting Sarah’s limits.
Having positive expectations rather than high expectations would help. High
expectations lead to specific, narrow outcomes. Positive expectations, on the
other hand, widen the possibilities; you simply expect and look for the positive
aspects of the other person.
Imagine if, for example, Lizzie recognized that Sarah was gentle and kind with
their children and calm and soothing when Lizzie was upset or had a problem. If
Lizzie had positive expectations, she would simply focus on those positive
aspects.
2. Be prepared: Identify potential solutions
When your expectations are more realistic – when, for example, you know that
someone like Sarah is likely to let you down – you can prepare for this. You will
need to decide what the solution will be to avoid being let down and
disappointed if she does pull out.
Lizzie decided that next time they planned a day trip or an evening out she
would not depend on Sarah turning up. Instead, she would invite other people
too, so that if Sarah pulled out it would be disappointing but that Lizzie wouldn’t
be left high and dry.
Lizzie decided that with less important arrangements – coffee or play dates – she
would always have something else to do – read a book, catch up on household
chores, go to the park with her children – in case Sarah pulled out. By
identifying solutions, Lizzie felt far more in control and less dependent on
Sarah’s ability or inability to commit.
One more thing to think about: is it the activities and outings that you make that
the other person usually pulls out of? Often, you may find that when it’s the other
person who has made the arrangements, then the outing or social event does, in
fact, go ahead.
I’ve got a friend like this. I have given up making arrangements to go out with
her, because something always crops up for her. Instead, I wait for her to suggest
something. It may be that she feels that she has to commit if it’s her that has
arranged for us to do something, but whatever the reason, she rarely cancels
when she’s arranged it!
Of course, rather than put up with a friend continually letting you down or only
committing to the arrangements if they’ve made them, you may want to cut this
person off completely. However, if you still enjoy their company and are
prepared to change your expectations, you can remain friends.
A weak manager
In the last few months, Eunice’s manager, Ross, distracted by personal
problems, appears to have disengaged from his job. He gives little in the way
of direction and support to his team. He won’t confront problem colleagues
or difficult clients and customers. Ross spends more time with his
spreadsheets than with his staff.
In the last two weeks, Eunice’s team has been having some problems with a
particular project. Also, one new team member, Peri, is struggling – she
doesn’t take the initiative and often doesn’t seem to know what she’s doing.
The team also has two clients who are not forthcoming with the information
they need in order to work on this particular project. Ross is indecisive about
what to do. Eunice is getting frustrated, morale is low and she is also losing
interest in her work.
The difficulty
A manager’s job is to provide people with the direction, support and resources
needed to do their jobs. But Ross is not providing this, so there’s no one taking
responsibility for decisions and actions. There’s no one to coordinate the work,
deal with problems or give feedback.
Whether you are working with a manager who has disengaged because they are
stressed and burnt out or afraid of confrontation, something has got to give
before the team and the work suffer irreversible damage.
Is it you?
No. Being indecisive and failing to set direction are major shortcomings for a
manager. Although it’s not your job to manage everyone else, rather than waste
time and energy moaning about him or her, you are going to have to do
something to fill the vacuum your manager has created.
By all means, talk to your manager’s boss and say you’re all struggling, but in the
meantime, don’t waste time and effort moaning and complaining about him or
her – take responsibility. Focus on what it is you want and identify other ways to
get the support and direction you all need.
Your aim
To get your colleagues to all work together to manage yourselves. To engage
your manager in some way.
What to do and say
You have the chance to stand out by becoming an asset to your team. Try these
strategies for turning unfortunate circumstances into an advantage:
1. Have realistic expectations
Once again, you need to have realistic expectations. Certainly, it’s not
unreasonable to expect your manager to provide direction and support but
clearly that hasn’t been happening for quite a while. It’s obvious that you now
need to change your expectations. They need to be more realistic, based on what
is actually happening now.
Once you have more realistic expectations, you will be in a position to move
forward. If you can recognize the positive aspects of the situation – that you can
manage things yourselves – you’re in a good position.
2. Identify each problem or issue and decide what you
need or want
If you have a weak manager, you and your colleagues have to provide the
direction, support, information and resources that you need for each other.
So, in order to start moving things forward, clearly identify what the problems
with the work or project are. For Eunice and her team, one of the problems is
that Peri avoids taking the initiative and doesn’t appear to know what she’s
doing. What Eunice needs is for Peri to up her skills and be more confident.
3. Find solutions
Having identified a problem and thought about what, exactly, you need or want,
you can decide what options there are for a solution.
Eunice thought through what the options were and discussed it with a couple of
colleagues. They came up with a solution: to get someone to act as a mentor for
Peri.
4. Use your communication skills
Just because he or she has disengaged, there’s no need to cut out your manager
completely. Keep lines of communication open and keep your manager
informed. Eunice presented the options for dealing with Peri. She said, ‘We’re
having problems. I’ve talked with Jim and Roz and here’s what we think might
help… What do you think?’ Ask open questions.
Give him or her ideas. Follow your suggestions with asking, ‘How does that
sound to you? Will that be OK with you if I/we go ahead?’ Give them the
opportunity to provide feedback or direction; ask if there’s anything else you
think you should consider – anything they’d like you to include.
Request specific actions when you need support. For example, ‘Could you ask
HR to send us the information we need for this?’ or ‘Can we have a team
meeting every Friday so you can give us feedback and let us know how you
want to take things forward for the following week?’ But limit how much you
ask of them, to eliminate the disappointments.
Offer to do the work: ‘Is it OK if I draft an email from you asking for the
resources we need?’
As you work through this process, document everything, so that you can explain
your actions if challenged.
Don’t think of it as carrying your manager; you and your colleagues can either let
the situation dominate your job – moaning and complaining or falling apart – or
do something about it.
This will reflect well on your management skills, as well as help you develop
good working relationships with your colleagues. It’s a win–win situation!
The needy friend
Rae and Olivia are housemates at university. Since Olivia split up from her
boyfriend six months ago, she has lost a lot of confidence.
Olivia doesn’t see her friends or go out as often as she used to but when she
does she lets Rae make the arrangements, deferring to whatever Rae
suggests, saying things like, ‘I don’t mind’ and ‘It’s up to you.’ Before they
go out, Olivia always asks what Rae thinks she should wear and once they
are out – at the pub or parties – Olivia sticks by Rae’s side for the evening.
Rae likes Olivia but she’s finding it difficult to deal with Olivia’s apathy and
indecision. In fact, she’s finding Olivia clingy and needy.
The difficulty
When someone is going through a difficult period in their lives, it’s
understandable that they feel unsure and may want to be around you more. The
difficulty is to balance being understanding and supportive with making sure the
other person doesn’t become too dependent on you.
Is it you?
No. But you do need to know when to draw the line and be able to say no –
without feeling guilty – to someone who is starting to cling to you and become
needy.
Your aim
To find a balance between supporting the other person while helping them not to
be too dependent on you. To help them build their confidence.
What to do and say
1. Set limits and stick to them
When you support someone by doing things like making social arrangements,
reassuring and just being there for someone like Olivia, you’re being a good
friend. Although it’s important to do this for the short term, in the long run it can
create a dependent relationship: your friend’s well-being will become dependent
on you.
You need to set some limits. Setting limits is not always easy but it helps stop
you being entangled in the other person’s worries. Limits also give you the
ability to step back and think about how best you can help someone else to
manage their anxiety.
2. Decide what you do and don’t want
In each situation, think about your own needs and what does and doesn’t work
for you. For example, Rae decided that she didn’t want Olivia’s social life to
revolve exclusively round her. Rae wanted Olivia to go out with her other
friends.
3. Identify a solution
Once you have decided what you do and don’t want, rather than resent the fact
that it’s not happening you need to decide what your options are for a solution
and take action.
Thinking of solutions and alternative courses of action gives you control and
puts you in charge. You decide what changes you will make and what direction
events are going to take.
Rae decided to ask Olivia’s other friends to invite Rae to do things with them.
Rae told Olivia’s friends she was concerned about Olivia and asked that they
persuade Olivia to come to the pub with them the next evening.
4. Stand firm
Learn to say no. ‘No’ is a powerful word but often it’s hard to say, especially
when it comes to friendships.
When Rae told Olivia she was going home for the weekend, Olivia asked if she
could come too. It wasn’t easy, but Rae had to say no. She didn’t give lots of
excuses or apologies. She simply explained that she wanted to spend some time
on her own, with her parents and little sister.
Of course, if you choose to stand your ground, there may be fallout as a result.
The other person may sulk, get angry or burst into tears. They may stop talking
to you. If you stand your ground, you must accept that there may be
consequences.
But you need to keep in mind that saying no to give yourself more space and to
do the things you need to do without your friend is an essential part of weaning
them off needing you so much. Rae didn’t completely dodge her friend, but she
didn’t make herself so available.
5. Negotiate and compromise
Try to offer an alternative that works for you and benefits the other person as
well. Rae suggested that Olivia invite some friends over for a takeaway and a
film on the Sunday evening, when Rae was back from her visit home. Olivia was
unsure. Rae simply said, ‘I’ll leave it with you.’
When you negotiate and offer to compromise, you’ve neither given in to the
other person nor become so het up that you end up saying something you’ll
regret.
Remember, though, that if you do choose to negotiate or compromise, bend as
far as you can, but no further. Know what your limits are and stand your ground.
6. Say how you feel
Are you spending too much time trying to help your friend through life or
coming away from every encounter feeling drained and resentful?
If you choose to tell the other person how you’re feeling, make sure you own
your feelings. Do not tell them that they are making you feel like you do. Be
honest about what’s bothering you; don’t lie and make up excuses.
It’s not easy being told you’re needy or you’re draining someone. If you care
about the friendship, you’ll want to do it in a way that’s kind.
If you think your friend needs more help than you can provide, it’s best to make
that clear. Rae said to Olivia, ‘I’m not doing the best thing for you. You need
something more than I can do. I can, though, come with you to see your GP or
the university counselling service.’
Get them to participate and contribute
When you come across someone who is calm, kind and agreeable, you’ll
probably be pleased that you’ve met someone who is easy-going, easy to like and
get along with. However, as you get to know them, it may become apparent that
they leave all the doing and thinking to you and other people; they are indecisive
or indifferent, lacking in confidence or just plain lazy.
You start to realize that it’s mostly you who initiates and commits to things and
it’s usually you who makes the decisions and puts in most of the effort.
It’s fine if you support them in the short term, but in the long run tolerating
someone else’s lack of participation creates an unequal relationship. Someone is
going to end up feeling resentful – and that person will be you!
Remember, it’s easier and kinder to deal with a passive person when you like
them and when you view them positively rather when you’ve become annoyed
and resentful towards them. Before you become too irritated and impatient with
them, you need to motivate them to make a contribution, be involved and stay
committed.
There are several dos and don’ts to consider:
Do
Have positive expectations. Don’t write off a passive person. Instead, expect
that you can get some sort of contribution and commitment.
Decide in what way you want them to be involved in something, what you
need or want the other person to do.
Get them to contribute a skill or strength or something you know they can
give that’s within their ability.
Request specific actions but limit how much you ask of them, to avoid
disappointment.
Negotiate and compromise. Give the other person some ideas – follow your
suggestions with ‘How does that sound to you?’
Decide what the solution will be to avoid being let down and disappointed if
the other person doesn’t contribute or participate.
Recognize that if they won’t contribute you must either accept it or leave
them out.
Don’t
Make yourself so available. Don’t put in all the time or effort.
Let the other person be so dependent and rely on you.
Waste time and effort moaning and complaining about their lack of
participation. Instead, focus on what it is you want and find other ways to get
what you need.
Give in. Learn to say no and stick to it if the other person would rather let
you do it all.
Part Three
When All Else Fails
Chapter 8
Dealing With Impossible People
Some people are more than difficult. They’re impossible. The only way to deal
with an impossible person is to remove yourself from them; to let them go and
walk away. Of course, this is easier said than done. You’ll need to think through
the pros and cons for eliminating someone from your life; you’ll need to consider
what you have to lose and what you have to gain by letting them go and walking
away.
But before we look at how to do that, let’s look first at what sort of person is
impossible. Quite simply, if you think you are dealing with an impossible
person, you’re probably right. They may be possible for other people, but for you
they’re impossible to deal with.
Below are some impossible types – people who, for most of us, are impossible.
Critical, impossible-to-please impossible people
When someone is being critical it’s because they’ve got a problem – a situation
that needs a solution. Their problem is that they can’t accept you for who you are
and the way you are. Their solution? To get you to change, to make it your
problem.
They want you to adopt their values, beliefs and ways of doing things. They
never hesitate to let you know, in totally inappropriate ways, that you just don’t
measure up. They’re impossible to please; whatever you do, it will never be good
enough. They’ll always insist that you could do better.
It could be a parent or in-law, a sibling, your adult son or daughter, a friend,
colleague or manager. Whoever it is, they respond with criticism and judgement
instead of pleasure or approval, whatever you do. They respond with criticism
and judgement when you make a mistake. They often label you in an unfair way
– saying you’re ‘clumsy’, or ‘not very clever’, ‘hopeless’, ‘selfish’, ‘lacking
ambition’ and so on.
Their criticisms and judgement can seriously undermine your self-confidence.
You may start to believe there is something wrong with you and internalize their
critical voice inside your head. If you let their criticisms and demands define
you, these people will steal your life from you; their fiction will become your
life story.
If you can’t (or won’t) cut them out of your life, you need to know that any time
you spend trying to argue with them and convince them of the person you really
are will be wasted.
If you can’t (or won’t) cut them out of your life, minimize the amount of time
you spend with them. Tell them as little about yourself as you can. Don’t seek
their approval or give them any excuse to disapprove. Don’t say anything that
will give them the opportunity to dump their negative opinions and judgements
on you. Only tell them what you think they absolutely need to know.
When you ignore their opinions and decide to be who you are, instead of who
they want you to be, you open yourself up to being the person you want to be
and on your own terms.
Identifying your values can help here (see Chapter 2). If what the other person
wants you to be is at odds with your values, then you are never going to feel
right trying to please them and be who they want you to be. When you are trying
to behave in ways that contradict your values, you are not being true to yourself.
What does being ‘true to yourself’ really mean, though? It means being true to
what’s important to you – what you value – not what’s important to someone else
and what they think is important for you. Being true to yourself means following
what you believe over what other people want you to do or be.
There’s more to you than what the critical, impossible-to-please person sees, so
keep in mind that what you’re capable of is not the result of what they think.
Look beyond their judgements and limiting criticisms and find the courage to be
yourself. Your real value is in who you are, not who you aren’t!
You can’t control what others think about you, so leave them to their own
judgements. They’re going to find fault whatever you do. Let people like you or
love you for who you are and not for who they want you to be. Or let them walk
away!
Persistently negative impossible people
Much like the critical, impossible-to-please person, the persistently negative
person has the ability to change your mood in an instant.
They constantly moan and complain about their life: their job, the weather, their
family, friends and neighbours, where they live and so on. They’re negative
about where they’ve been and what they’ve done, where they are now and what
they’re doing now. They’re negative about where they’re going and what they’ll
be doing. They don’t have a good word to say about anyone or anything.
If you ask them about a happy event – a meal out, their holiday or their sister’s
wedding, for example – they can only tell you about the negative aspects: what
they didn’t like, what went wrong and so on. They are so entrenched in seeing
the negative side of things that they leave no room for positive things to happen.
Persistently negative people drain the life out of you. If you can’t, or won’t, cut
them out of your life then at least cut down the time you spend with them. And
when you are with them, avoid correcting their negative views because they’ll
only find a way to contradict your positive interpretations. Instead, say, ‘Mmm’,
‘Oh’ and ‘I see’ to acknowledge what they say without agreeing or challenging
them. Saying any more than the bare minimum will just add fuel to the fire.
Drama queens
Do you know someone who reacts to events with excessive emotion and behaves
in theatrical, attention-grabbing ways? Do they make a big deal out of
everything? In a situation that you’d score a 3 or 4 on the drama scale, do they
take it up to a 10? Yes? Then you’ve got a drama queen on your hands!
They’re the people who blow things out of all proportion. They manage to turn
ordinary problems into catastrophes, but unless they’re living in a war zone, the
chances are that a lot of this drama is self-created.
Drama queens enjoy being the centre of attention. In fact, if they have to
manufacture a scene to focus the spotlight on them, it’s not a problem.
A drama queen could be the friend you’re at the coffee shop with who doesn’t get
the right coffee and is rude and obnoxious to the person serving him. He may
even drag the other customers into the situation. Or it could be the person who
blows every argument with her partner or colleague out of all proportion and
then spends ages telling you about it – exaggerating every detail. Drama queens
are often experts at seeing themselves as the victim, as badly wronged and as
deserving a lot better than what they’re getting.
They have no sense of proportion. Small things like wine being spilt on their
shoes, or someone inadvertently ignoring them, are viewed as disasters. There
are no minor mishaps in the drama queen’s world!
It’s always about them – they have little time to hear about what’s happening in
your life. And when they do, they either turn it into a drama or they top it with
an even more dramatic story of their own.
They will cast you into their dramas and if you take a side you will simply add
more drama to the whole situation. You’ll find yourself being sucked into their
life of conflict and opposition.
If you can’t, or won’t, cut them out of your life, minimize the amount of time you
spend with them. And when you do spend time listening to their dramas, use
reflective listening skills. Don’t offer your opinions. Don’t get involved in their
drama. Stay out of it! Simply acknowledge what they say with an ‘Mmm’, ‘Oh’
and ‘I see’. Once again, saying any more than the bare minimum will just add
fuel to the fire.
Self-centred impossible people
Closely related to the drama queen are their quieter, self-centred cousins. They
don’t particularly dramatize or exaggerate but they do routinely prioritize talking
about their own feelings, situations and needs over and above yours.
If you try to talk about something to do with yourself, they steer the conversation
back to themselves: their job, their health, partner, kids, work and social life.
They’re not interested in your thoughts and feelings.
We’re not talking here about people who are interested only in themselves some
of the time – we’re talking about people who are only concerned with talking
about themselves all the time. They are so self-absorbed that there’s absolutely
no room for you.
What stronger message do you need? There’s no room for you. Leave right now!
Bullies
If someone is persistently badgering, dominating or intimidating you, you’re
being bullied. If someone is continually coercing and threatening you, criticizing
or humiliating you, tyrannizing you or making abusive remarks and insulting
you, you’re being bullied.
Bullying can occur to your face or behind your back. Direct, overt bullying is
obvious and aggressive. Indirect bullying is more underhand and less detectable.
Bullying can happen face to face, by phone, text or social media.
Bullies seem to know exactly how to get at you. Sometimes you may wonder
whether they actually enjoy causing so much distress. You’re right: they
probably do enjoy it.
How come? Well, for most of us, when we see someone else is upset or in pain
we feel sympathy for the other person; we recognize the other person is hurt or
upset and we feel compassion for them.
However, bullies don’t interpret other people’s painful emotions as a bad thing.
Not only do they not care, they actually like it.
If you’re being bullied you may well feel very upset, anxious, frightened,
ashamed or embarrassed. You may feel angry and frustrated. You mustn’t try to
please, pacify or ingratiate yourself with them, but you must do something. The
bully will not go away.
Staying silent and telling no one will only isolate you while at the same time
empowering the bully, so you must get help and support.
If you feel there is no one to talk to, don’t suffer in silence; there is help out
there. There are organizations that specialize in supporting anyone who is being
bullied. Do visit any of these websites for support and information:
http://www.bullying.co.uk/
https://www.gov.uk/workplace-bullying-and-harassment
http://www.nspcc.org.uk
http://www.childline.org.uk.
If you’re being bullied, you’ll probably be feeling that there’s no respite and no
release from the stress that they’re causing you. Unfortunately, bullies are
compulsive in their behaviour; once they start on their target, they won’t let go.
The answer? Leave. Leave the job, the relationship or the social media account.
Walking away is the best thing to do, for in doing so you regain control. You
take away the opportunity for the bully to behave like this towards you.
Bullies are clever, but you can be clever too. You do have a choice about how to
respond. Simply ask yourself what’s most important. Is it that you don’t want to
let the bully ‘win’? Is that the most important issue?
Rather than think in terms of one of you winning or losing, isn’t it better to think
about keeping yourself safe and sane?
Sure, it can be difficult to walk away from a job or a relationship. But know this:
the energy that’s draining out of you as a result of being bullied can – if you’re
being bullied at work, for example – be used to get a new job or – if you’re being
bullied in a relationship or by a housemate or a neighbour – that energy can be
used to find somewhere else to live. And if you’re being bullied by email, phone
or via social media, close the account. You can always get a new one.
Being bullied and trying to manage being bullied is highly stressful. You have
little or no control.
Sure, you may have to walk away from a good job and financial stability, but
focus on the positive: you’ve left the bully behind. Once you leave the bully, you
can put your energy into finding a new job or somewhere to live instead of
spending your energy trying to please, pacify or avoid the bully.
And if you do want to think in terms of who’s won and who’s lost, know that if
you take control and walk away YOU have won.
You can manage to find a new job or somewhere else to live. What you can’t
manage is the bully. So refuse to allow your life to be wrecked and get out!
Is it you?
All the impossible types described here – the bullies, the drama queens and so on
– are just a few examples of impossible people. No doubt you can think of
someone who is impossible in other ways. Whoever they are, they all have one
thing in common: you never look forward to seeing them. To one extent or
another, the thought of spending any time with these people makes your heart
sink.
It’s not you. It’s them. Or is it? Is there any way that it could be you?
It may be that you are actually enabling someone else’s impossible behaviour. In
psychology and counselling, the word ‘enabling’ is used to describe a situation
where one person responds, often with good intentions, to another in a way that
perpetuates and even exacerbates another person’s (often destructive) behaviour.
The enabler may do this by rescuing them from their self-imposed predicaments.
For example, with their teenager who always loses their phone, the parent buys
them a new one each time. Or the husband who loses his job again and his wife
does overtime or takes on a second job to compensate.
When you enable someone else’s behaviour, you take responsibility or make
accommodations for the other person’s harmful conduct. You may bear their
negative consequences for them, with the result that the person doesn’t have to
and so is unaware of the harm they do and the need to change.
With the impossible people we’re looking at here – a critical parent or partner,
for example – if you are constantly striving to meet their expectations and seek
their approval, you are enabling their critical behaviour.
And, if you try to oppose or appease a bully, you are enabling them by creating
conditions that allow the bully to continue their behaviour. By opposing and
challenging them, they increase their hostility. By trying to pacify them, you will
only be increasing their ability to humiliate you.
Although you are not to blame for their behaviour, you are responding in such a
way that you are supporting their behaviour. If, on the other hand, you walk
away, you take away the enabling conditions.
How to deal with impossible people
Impossible people are called ‘impossible’ for a reason. If you try to talk to them
about their impossible behaviour, the chances are that you’ll end up being
blamed for everything: you are the impossible person and it’s unbelievable that
you think it’s them!
Maintaining a relationship with an impossible person is very difficult, if not
impossible. Why is it, though, that often, despite the problems a relationship
with an impossible person brings you, you push on and hope that things will get
better between you?
There are several reasons why you may find it hard to let them go and walk
away.
Perhaps you’re scared of change and can’t see an alternative way forward. Often,
it’s difficult to walk away from an impossible person if it could mean a big
change in your life. It may be that cutting them out of your life would mean
leaving your job or where you live and you worry that you will never get another
job or place to live.
Another reason you may find it hard to cut someone out of your life is that you
don’t want to admit to yourself or others that you were wrong to have put up with
an impossible person for so long. You tell yourself that you’re so used to them
you may as well carry on seeing them. Perhaps your family and friends told you
that your partner, for example, was no good for you, or that your neighbour was
intolerable – but you said that you could handle him or her and that the situation
would eventually improve.
Maybe you’re thinking about sunk costs: the time, effort and love you’ve put into
the relationship or the situation. But sunk costs can fool you into sticking with
something you would be better off ending; you continue to put more time, effort
or money into someone or something even though it’s plainly not doing you any
good.
Perhaps you’re finding it difficult to walk away from someone because you don’t
want to end up feeling guilty for cutting them out of your life. You don’t want to
feel that you’ve ‘wronged’ the other person.
Being scared of change, not wanting to admit to mistakes and wanting to avoid
feeling guilty are all obstacles in the way of walking away from an impossible
person. The good news is that you can get round these obstacles. You just need
to change your mindset – to prepare yourself emotionally and mentally to cut an
impossible person out physically.
So yes, it can be difficult to walk away from someone if it means a change in
your situation. But think of it like this: the time and effort you waste trying to
deal with an impossible person can be used to manage the change in your
situation.
And, if you feel that it may well have been a mistake to be around an impossible
person for so long, but you struggle to face up to that, just tell yourself that you
did well at the time because you were at least trying to do something good –
even if what you were doing was just trying to tolerate the impossible person.
You can always draw something good out. At the very least, you’ll have learnt
something about yourself and your abilities to manage an impossible person in
the future.
Just know that whether you’ve put up with it for a month, a year or even half a
lifetime, you shouldn’t carry on letting yourself be miserable because you feel all
that past misery would be wasted otherwise.
Finally, if the thought of having to cope with feeling guilty is stopping you from
walking away, you need to understand what guilt is: guilt is a feeling that you
have done something wrong.
Instead of feeling that you are doing something wrong, recognize that you are
doing something right. You are protecting yourself – your time, energy, spirit and
sanity. Letting go of an impossible person doesn’t mean you hate them or that
you wish them harm; it just means you care about your own well-being.
Deciding to cut someone out of your life is for your own good – not theirs.
You’re responsible for your own feelings, not theirs. So any time you feel guilty,
remind yourself of the ways in which they’re impossible. And then you have
your reason not to feel you’ve done anything wrong.
Let them go and move on by focusing on what
you have to gain
The best way to move on – to get past the fear of change, the guilt, the sunk
costs or admitting your relationship is a mistake – is to think about what you
have to gain rather than what you have to lose by pulling out.
Whatever the reason is that you’re holding onto still seeing this person, ask
yourself why: is it because you really will gain something or because you don’t
want to lose the time, energy or money you’ve already invested?
But if you walk away now, although it will take time to adjust, focus on the fact
that you will be free to meet people who will appreciate you. You will have more
time for yourself, friends and new interests, fewer arguments, less anxiety and
stress and more control over your life. So focus on what you have to gain and
move forward!
Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you.
Maori proverb
If you think about what you have to gain in the future then, in your mind, you’ve
already left the relationship. The only thing left to do is to allow the physical
reality to reflect that fact.
In Chapter 4, you will have read about how to be assertive with other people.
When it comes to cutting out impossible people, you need to be assertive with
yourself; you need to decide how you feel and what exactly you do or don’t
want. (Use your values to help guide you.) The impossible person is not going to
change and they are unlikely to go away. So you will need to identify the
solution, which is for you to walk away and stand firm. Focusing on what you
have to gain by cutting out the impossible person will help you with this.
Focusing on what you have to gain
Sam and Ginny, for example, had known each other since school days;
they’d shared a flat when they left home and travelled around Europe and
Asia together. They each went on to marry and have children and lived just
30 miles from each other. They no longer had any mutual friends but kept up
with each other by email and meeting for lunch and days out every now and
again.
In the last couple of years, Sam was finding Ginny draining. Ginny was
incredibly negative, dull and boring. Everything centred around Ginny
talking about her life – she never asked Sam about hers. She was sensitive
too – when Ginny emailed a photo of her teenage daughters, Lila and Daisy,
to Sam, Sam replied, ‘Lovely photo… I see Lila’s lost a lot of weight!’
Unknown to Sam, Ginny’s daughter had an undiagnosed eating disorder. But
Ginny emailed back, ‘It was unnecessary for you to say that – we’re very
worried about Lila and I don’t need comments like that.’
This was the last straw. Other people may not have found Ginny impossible,
but Sam did. But then she thought about the history they shared and how
guilty she’d feel if she didn’t see Ginny any more. She talked to her partner,
Nat. Nat asked Sam how, in the last couple of years, she felt at the thought of
seeing Ginny. Sam recognized that, unlike meeting up with other friends
whom she looked forward to seeing, Sam’s heart sank – she actually felt
depressed each time she thought about meeting up with Ginny. ‘Well,’ said
Nat. ‘How much worse do you want to feel before you stop seeing Ginny?
How much better will you feel when you know you’ve decided not to see her
again?’
This was the prompt that Sam needed. She decided what she didn’t want
was to feel dread at seeing Ginny. What she did want was to see friends she
felt good about. Sam recognized that she and Ginny had some very good
times in the past – nothing could devalue that – but it was time to let them go
and move on.
Sam decided to use what her partner Nat called the ‘stop calling and drift’
method; she wouldn’t confront Ginny and tell her that she no longer wanted
to be friends. It might be true, but Sam felt it wasn’t necessary or kind.
Instead, she quietly withdrew. She started by making excuses for not
meeting up, then as the months went by she told Ginny that she had a lot on
and would contact Ginny when she was more free. But Sam never did call
Ginny.
Sometimes, though, an impossible person all but forces a clean break. This
means that either you have to ignore them and not respond to any
communication from them or you actually have to let them know that you don’t
want to see them any more.
Making a clean break
Naomi, for example, had a friend called Carla. They’d been close since they
were both divorced, two years previously. At one point, Naomi started to
feel overwhelmed by Carla’s neediness – Carla almost acted as if Naomi
belonged to her; she became jealous and resentful if Naomi socialized
without her. Naomi tried to encourage Carla to build her own social life but
Carla wouldn’t listen. Naomi felt suffocated. She wanted out. She phoned
Carla and said she didn’t want to be friends any more.
It might not have been the kindest thing to do, but for Naomi it was
necessary and true. Carla was angry and reacted by accusing Naomi of being
selfish and uncaring. Naomi said nothing.
Even though it was difficult, Naomi felt relieved; she felt a great weight had
been lifted.
Of course, any meaningful relationship is bound to have difficulties but if you
can talk about it as things come up – if you can communicate and be assertive –
there’s a good chance that issues will be resolved and you’ll move on together.
However, if someone is truly wearing you down or you feel your relationship is
entirely one-sided, don’t leave yourself in a position that compromises your wellbeing.
Remember, letting go of an impossible person doesn’t mean you hate
them or that you wish them harm; it just means you care about your own wellbeing.
Deciding to cut someone out of your life is for your own good, not theirs.
Impossible people
You will probably have realized by now that you cannot deal with impossible
people the same way you deal with everyone else. Maintaining a relationship
with an impossible person is… impossible.
More than likely, sooner or later, you and the impossible person will part ways,
whether they are a friend, a family member, a parent or even a spouse, the time
to leave will eventually come.
There are several dos and don’ts to consider:
Do
Recognize that some impossible people are impossible to please: whatever
you do, it will never be good enough.
See beyond their judgements and criticisms and find the courage to be
yourself. Your real value is in who you are, not who you aren’t!
Recognize that if you can’t cut them out of your life you can cut down the
amount of time you spend with them.
Know that if you do spend time with them you should avoid correcting their
views and opinions. Instead, say, ‘Mmm’, ‘Oh’ and ‘I see’ to acknowledge
what they say without agreeing with or challenging them.
Let them go and move on by focusing on what you have to gain: more time
for yourself, new interests, fewer arguments, less anxiety and stress. More
time for other, less difficult people.
Remember that walking away is the best thing to do, for in doing so you
regain control. You take away the opportunity for someone to be impossible
to you.
Don’t
Compromise your values and who you are.
Enable the other person’s impossible behaviour; don’t take responsibility or
make accommodations for them.
Give them information that they can use against you. Don’t say anything that
will give them the opportunity to dump their negative opinions and
judgements on you.
Strive to meet their expectations, seek their approval or give them any
excuse to disapprove.
Try to control what they think about you; leave them to their own
judgements. They’re going to find fault whatever you do.
Put up with them and carry on being miserable just because you’ve already
put up with them for a month, a year or even half a lifetime.
Dwell on what you have to lose by cutting them out; focus on what you have
to gain.
Think letting go means you hate them or wish them harm. Remember,
cutting someone out of your life is for your own good, not theirs.
Think in terms of one of you winning or losing. Instead, think about keeping
yourself safe and sane.
Conclusion
Positive people
Having read this book, you’ll be clearer about what makes for difficult and
impossible people. You’ll know that they are the ones who bring you down with
their negativity, criticisms or anger. They’re often self-centred and
uncooperative. They’re irritating, frustrating and often infuriating.
You’ll know ways to identify their motives and true intentions. You will have
learnt ways to deal with other people calmly, directly and honestly using
assertiveness skills and techniques. You’ll have strategies to stand up to others
and feel more confident about knowing when to walk away.
If you do choose to spend less time with difficult and impossible people or cut
them out completely, you will have more room and more time for positive
people in your life; people who you feel good being around; people who you can
be yourself with.
It’s not difficult to spot positive people. Think about people in your life and ask
yourself these questions:
What kinds of feelings does this person evoke?
How would I describe this person in three to five words?
Do I like who I am when I am around this person?
A positive person could be the person who supports you when you’re down and
is fun when you’re up. It could be someone who provides wisdom and advice
when you’re lost.
A positive person could be someone who sees your strengths even when you
don’t. It could be someone who has compassion towards themselves and others;
they are open minded and willing to learn from their own mistakes.
It could be someone you know who is courageous about following their dreams;
he or she seeks to be authentic and believes in themselves. They inspire you.
They are the ones worth keeping in your life. Everyone else is just passing
through.
Which people come to mind from the statements below?
Someone I can call on in a crisis.
Someone who makes me feel good about myself.
Someone I can totally be myself with.
Someone who values my opinion.
Someone who tells me how well I am doing.
Someone I can talk to if I am worried.
Someone who really makes me stop and think about what I am doing.
Someone who makes me laugh.
Someone who introduces me to new ideas, interests or new people.
You may have a different person or a number of people for each situation. Or the
same one or two people may feature on the list.
People sometimes tell me that they don’t have anyone in their lives who can
inspire them to reach greater heights, that they don’t have anyone in their lives
who is fun or who can support them in difficult times.
Yes they do. So do you.
Be creative in your thinking. The positive people on your list do not just have to
be friends or family; they could be colleagues or neighbours. Maybe the person
who makes you laugh is a stand-up comedian on the TV. The person who you
can turn to in a crisis may be a listener from the Samaritans or someone in a
support group, a financial adviser or your GP. The person who inspires you
could be someone you have read about who has overcome adversity.
Get in the habit of reading about people – ordinary people or famous people –
who inspire you. You need positive role models in your life. But don’t just read
about positive people. Search them out. Search out people who have the same
interests as you.
If you don’t have anyone on your list who introduces you to new ideas, interests
or new people, join an adult education class or a special interest group. Get
together with like-minded people to develop an interest – singing, tennis,
walking, local history, for example – or promote a cause – raising money for
cancer research, renovating a local building, for example.
And if you want more positive people in your life, start by being more positive
yourself.
Doing something to benefit someone else can make you and the person you are
helping feel good. This can create a bond between you, help you to develop
empathy and bring a fresh perspective to your own life and circumstances.
It’s never been easier, thanks to new technologies – the Internet and social
networking sites – to find other, positive people.
You become like the company you keep. So choose carefully. As Oprah Winfrey
has said, ‘Surround yourself only with people who are going to lift you higher.’
About the Author
Gill Hasson is a teacher, trainer and writer. She has 20 years’ experience in
personal development. Her expertise is in the areas of confidence and selfesteem,
communication skills, assertiveness and resilience.
Gill delivers teaching and training for education organizations, voluntary and
business organizations and the public sector.
Her writing includes books on the subjects of resilience, communication skills,
assertiveness, mindfulness and emotional intelligence.
Gill’s particular interest and motivation is in helping people to realize their
potential, to live their best life! You can contact Gill via her website
http://www.makingsenseof.com or email her at gillhasson@btinternet.com.
Acknowledgements
Thanks to my editors Jonathan Shipley and Jenny Ng.
accommodating approach
accusations
active listening
aggression
bullies
impulsive and instrumental
reactive
see also hostility; passive aggressive behaviour
agreement, confirming
anger
customers
hidden
impulsive aggression
managers
non-verbal communication
road rage
teenagers
see also hostility
anxiety
apologies
assertiveness
avoiding insults
basic assertions
being assertive with yourself
body language
challenging extreme terms
choosing how to respond
features of
‘I’ statements
passive aggressive people
passive people
rehearsing assertive responses
responding to hostility
starting small
where and when to be assertive
see also standing your ground
assumptions
attention-seeking behaviour
avoidance
basic assertions
‘beginner’s mind’
being true to yourself
beliefs
see also values
blaming others
body language
see also non-verbal communication
bullies
calm, staying
changing how you respond to others
Churchill, Winston
C. Joybell C.
clusters
communication skills
active listening
asking questions
empathy
minimal encouragers
reflective listening
weak managers
see also assertiveness; listening;
non-verbal communication
compliance
compromise
angry customers
needy friends
passive aggressive people
passive people
teenagers
confidence
assertiveness
lack of
needy friends
non-verbal communication
responding to hostility
undermined by criticism
confidentiality
confrontation
assertiveness
avoiding
direct hostile responses
openly hostile people
consequences
passive aggressive people
teenagers
controlling, indirect
courage
Covey, Stephen
criticism from others
customers, angry
defensiveness
difficult people, definition of
direct hostile responses
disappointment
disapproval, fear of
dishonesty
‘drains’
drama queens
driving
emails
emotions see feelings
empathy
‘enabling’ behaviour
envy
excuses
expectations
flaky friends
positive
realistic
taking responsibility for your
weak managers
explanatory style
externalization of feelings
extreme terms
facial expressions
fear
feelings
active listening
assertiveness
being bullied
expectations and
expressing your
hostile people
impulsive thinking
non-verbal communication
owning your
passive aggressive behaviour
passive behaviour
questions about
flaky friends
flexibility
forgiveness
Franklin, Benjamin
friends
flaky
moving on from
needy
frustration
gestures
guilt
helplessness
honesty
hostility
customers
defending yourself from
direct hostile responses
disguised
dos and don’ts
indirect hostile responses
managers
road rage
teenagers
see also aggression; anger
‘I’ statements
identifying the problem
impatience
impossible people
bullies
critical people
dos and don’ts
drama queens
how to deal with
moving on from
persistently negative people
self-centred people
impossible-to-please people
impulsive aggression
impulsive thinking
indirect controlling
indirect hostile responses
inspiration from others
instrumental aggression
insults, avoiding
internalization of feelings
interruptions
intimidating behaviour
intuition
leakage
learnt helplessness
limits, setting
listening
active
assertive communication
learning from good listeners
minimal encouragers
negative people
reflective
responding to hostility
teenagers
lying
managers
hostile
weak
manipulative behaviour
minimal encouragers
misinterpretations
mistaken thinking
mistakes, making
needy friends
negative people
negotiation
angry customers
needy friends
passive aggressive people
passive people
teenagers
neutral responses
non-participation
non-verbal communication
‘no’, saying
paraphrasing
parents
passive aggressive behaviour
dos and don’ts
indirect controlling
negative people
non-verbal communication
teenagers
wrong-footers
passive behaviour
145–60
dos and don’ts
flaky friends
needy friends
weak managers
personal rights
pessimism
positive expectations
positive people
powerlessness
pretexts
problem-solving conversations
punishments
questions, asking
‘radiators’
‘reading’ other people
reflective listening
refusal to engage
rehearsing assertive responses
86–7
relationships, ending
reliability, lack of
repeating
resentment
resigned responses
responsibility
apologies
avoiding
for consequences
‘enabling’ behaviour
for other people
passive aggressive people
passive people
teenagers
weak managers
for your own feelings
rights
road rage
Rowling, J. K.
rudeness
sabotage
sarcasm
self-centred people
self-control
self-esteem
self-pity
Shakespeare, William
social media
solutions, finding
angry customers
flaky friends
indirect controlling
needy friends
negative people
passive people
teenagers
weak managers
wrong-footers
standing your ground
angry managers
consequences
needy friends
passive aggressive people
teenagers
see also assertiveness
sulking
summarizing
sunk costs
swearing
teasing
teenagers
being assertive with
hostile behaviour
non-verbal communication
passive aggressive behaviour
threats
tone of voice
trust
tuning out
undermining behaviour
unreliability
values
verbal abuse
verbal behaviour
victim mentality
warning signs
Winfrey, Oprah
work situations
angry customers
angry managers
bullying
leaving your job
passive aggressive behaviour
redundancies
weak managers
wrong-footers
WILEY END USER LICENSE AGREEMENT
Go to http://www.wiley.com/go/eula to access Wiley’s ebook EULA.

Understanding The Anointing

Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations in this volume are from the King James Version of the Bible.
Third Printing 1985
ISBN 0-89276-507-0
In the U.S. Write:
Kenneth Hagin Ministries
P.O. Box 50126
Tulsa, OK 74150-0126
In Canada write:
Kenneth Hagin Ministries
P.O. Box 335
Islington (Toronto),
Ontario Canada, M9A 4X3
Copyright © 1983 RHEMA Bible Church
AKA Kenneth Hagin Ministries, Inc.
All Rights Reserved
Printed in USA
The Faith Shield is a trademark of RHEMA Bible Church, AKA Kenneth Hagin Ministries, Inc., registered with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office and therefore may not be duplicated.

Contents
Foreword……………………………………………………………………………………………..7
Section I—The Individual Anointing
1 The Anointing on Jesus………………………………………………………………………11
2 The Anointing Within………………………………………………………………………..19
3 How the Anointing Led Me………………………………………………………………..29
4 Ministering Healing Without an Anointing……………………………………………37
Section II—Anointing on Ministry Gifts
5 The Fivefold Ministry Gifts………………………………………………………………..43
6 The Anointing To Preach……………………………………………………………………49
7 The Anointing To Teach…………………………………………………………………….57
8 The Anointing To Pastor…………………………………………………………………….61
9 The Anointing of the Prophet……………………………………………………………..69
10 The Anointing of the Apostle…………………………………………………………….89
11 How To Increase the Anointing…………………………………………………………95
12 Yielding to the Anointing……………………………………………………………….105
13 Peculiar Anointings……………………………………………………………………….109
14 The Healing Anointing…………………………………………………………………..119
Section III—The Corporate Anointing
15 The Corporate Anointing………………………………………………………………..145
Foreword
When I started out in the ministry 49 years ago, I wish we’d had the material that’s available today. Our ministries and lives would have been different.
That’s the reason I want to share with other ministers—especially young ministers—what it took some of us 40 or 50 years to learn.
In this book I want to discuss what I have learned about the anointing during my half century of ministry. There is much about it in my spirit to share with you.
In Section 1, we will discuss the individual anointing that all believers have in the New Birth. We will point out that all believers can experience a deeper anointing by being baptized with the Holy Spirit. This experience, open to all believers, is for service.
In Section 2 we will see that there also is an anointing of the Holy Spirit upon ministry gifts—an anointing that goes with the offices.
Thank God for the ministry gifts He has placed in the Body of Christ so we may grow. Thank God for the anointing of God upon men and women He’s called to these offices.
There is an even stronger anointing, the corporate anointing, that rests upon the Church. We will study this anointing in Section 3.
Bear in mind as you read this material that these are different anointings, but they are all from the same Holy Spirit—the only member of the Godhead who is at work in the earth today.
You will find that there’s nothing like the glory of God in manifestation. Once you get a taste of it, nothing else will satisfy.
7
Tulsa, Oklahoma
July 1983
8
SECTION I
Section I—The Individual Anointing

Chapter 1
1 The Anointing on Jesus
In Old Testament times, the common layman (we’d call him a “believer” today) had no anointing in him or on him. The presence of God was kept shut up in the Holy of Holies in the Temple.
But God would anoint the king to stand in that office; He would anoint the priest to stand in that office; and He would anoint the prophet to stand in that office. The Spirit of God would come upon these three types of individuals to enable them to stand in their respective offices.
David had all of these anointings. David was king, and he also was priest and prophet. In the 92nd Psalm, David said, “…I shall be anointed with fresh oil” (v. 10). Oil is a type of the Holy Spirit. (Often we need a fresh anointing.)
Anointings Today
God is still anointing prophets today. Prophets are spokesmen for Him. The prophetic office includes anything that speaks for God—which would be all of the teaching and preaching offices—but especially that of the prophet, because that is the anointing involved. God is still anointing people to preach, to testify, and to sing.
And He’s still anointing priests. What was the function of the priest? He represented other people. Other people couldn’t go into the presence of God in the Holy of Holies, but the priest—the High Priest—could go into the Holy of Holies, so he was the intercessor for the people. God is still anointing intercessors. He’s anointing people to pray. There’s an anointing there.
And He’s anointing kings. We’re all kings, glory to God. Romans 5:17 says that we shall “reign in life.” It’s because of the 11
Understanding the Anointing
anointing that we’re able to reign.
Other Old Testament references to the anointing include these texts from Zechariah and Isaiah.
ZECHARIAH 4:6
6 Then he answered and spake unto me, saying, This is the word of the Lord unto Zerubbabel, saying, Not by might [or army], nor by power, but BY MY SPIRIT, saith the Lord of hosts.
We always think of might and power in connection with the Spirit of God. When God speaks of might and power in this Scripture, He’s talking about human might. He’s telling Zerubbabel, “It’s not by the power of an army, but it’s by my Spirit that the battle is going to be won.” It’s by the Spirit of God that victories come, not by the hand of man.
ISAIAH 10:27
27 And it shall come to pass in that day, that his burden shall be taken away from off thy shoulder, and his yoke from off thy neck, and the yoke shall be destroyed BECAUSE OF THE ANOINTING.
Sometimes we turn that phrase around and say, “It’s the anointing that destroys (or breaks) the yoke.” That’s saying absolutely the same thing: The yoke shall be destroyed because of the anointing.
This is true in our lives and ministries as well: The yoke of sickness or anything else that the devil tries to put on us will be destroyed because of the anointing.
In the New Testament, we see how the anointing was on the ministry of Jesus, and we can learn about ministering under the anointing.
LUKE 4:14-19
14 And Jesus returned in the POWER of the SPIRIT into Galilee: and there went out a fame of him through all the region round about.
15 And he taught in their synagogues, being glorified of all.
Notice in the fourteenth verse, the word “power” is used in connection with the Holy Spirit. Combining these two verses, 12
The Anointing on Jesus
we could say, “He returned in the power of the Spirit and He taught,” or, “He taught in the power of the Spirit” (for there is an anointing to teach).
16 And he came to Nazareth, where he had been brought up: and, as his custom was, he went into the synagogue on the sabbath day, and stood up for to read.
17 And there was delivered unto him the book of the prophet Esaias [Isaiah]. And when he had opened the book, he found the place where it was written,
18 The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath ANOINTED me TO PREACH the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me TO HEAL the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised,
19 To preach the acceptable year of the Lord.
Notice in connection with the Holy Spirit there first was the word “power” (v. 14) and then the word “anointed” (v. 18).
Peter, preaching to Cornelius and his household, said, ”How God ANOINTED Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Ghost and with power: who went about doing good, and healing all that were oppressed of the devil; for God was with him” (Acts 10:38).
Jesus said, “The Spirit of the Lord is UPON me, because HE HATH ANOINTED ME….” (Luke 4:18). God anointed Jesus primarily to do two things according to this entire verse: to preach and to heal. (In connection with preaching, Jesus also was anointed to teach.)
The Ministry of Jesus Christ
When you discuss the earthly ministry of the Lord Jesus Christ, most people immediately respond, “Well, yes, but He was the Son of God.” And, of course, He was.
But what they fail to realize is that He as the Son of God was one thing and He as a person ministering was another thing. He did not minister as the Son of God—He ministered as a mere man anointed by the Holy Spirit.
13
Understanding the Anointing
If people would just stop and think for a moment, they would see this in the passage of Scripture we have just been studying in Luke 4.
He was in His hometown of Nazareth on the sabbath day, went to the synagogue, and was given the scroll of Isaiah to read from. He read the passage we just studied: “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me…. ” After He had finished reading, Jesus handed the scroll back to the minister, sat down, and began to teach the people.
He said, “THIS DAY is this scripture fulfilled in your ears” (v. 21).
If Jesus had been ministering as the Son of God, He wouldn’t have needed to be anointed. Or, if He had been ministering as God manifested in the flesh, would God have needed to be anointed?
Who is going to anoint God?
In Philippians 2:7, it says that Jesus “made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men. ” The King James Version is a little unclear here. Other translations say He “laid aside” or “stripped Himself” of “His mighty power and glory” when He came into this world, even though He was the Son of God.
He came as a man. How did He do it? I don’t know. The Bible says He did it, and I believe it!
As I’ve said many times, Jesus was just as much the Son of God when He was 21 years old as He was when He was 30 years old. He was just as much the Son of God when He was 25 as He was when He was 30. He was just as much the Son of God all those years—25, 26, 27, 28, 29, wasn’t He? Yet in all of those years, He never healed a person or wrought a miracle!
How do we know this? Because the Bible says so. The Bible tells us that Jesus was anointed after He was baptized of John in Jordan, and the Holy Spirit came upon Him in a bodily shape like a dove (Luke 3:22). God spoke from heaven and said, “This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased” (Matt. 3:17).
14
The Anointing on Jesus
Jesus’ First Miracle
Then the Word of God tells us about Jesus’ returning into the Galilee and attending the wedding feast at Cana with His mother. There He turned water into wine, and the Bible says this was the first miracle Jesus wrought: “This beginning of miracles did Jesus in Cana of Galilee, and manifested forth his glory; and his disciples believed on him” (John 2:11).
Jesus also had to be anointed before He could heal, because He had laid aside His mighty power and glory as the Son of God when He became a man. Although in person He was the Son of God, in power He was not the Son of God. Even though this may sound like a paradox, can you understand it?
When people say, “Well, yes—but Jesus was the Son of God,” that puts Him in ministry in a class by Himself. That would mean that nobody else could minister that way—or even come close to it—if Jesus in ministry is in a class by Himself.
Now, as a person, because He is the Son of God, He is in a class by Himself. But in ministry, He is not in a class by Himself.
Why? Remember what Jesus said in John’s Gospel?
JOHN 14:12
12 Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth on me, the works that I do shall he do also; and GREATER WORKS THAN THESE SHALL HE DO; because I go unto my Father.
Therefore, if Jesus’ works—His ministry is His works—were in a class by themselves, as so many people believe, then Jesus told a falsehood. He said, “…the works that I do shall he [who believes on Jesus] do also; and GREATER WORKS than these shall he do….”
So Jesus Himself did not place His works or His ministry in a class by themselves.
Why has this not been properly understood? We have not thoroughly studied the Word on this subject because we have been religiously brainwashed. We have thought, Well, there’s no 15
Understanding the Anointing
need of going into that, because Jesus is the Son of God, and I couldn’t minister that way, anyway. And so, of course, we’ve missed it.
Jesus in the Fivefold Ministries
Paul wrote in Ephesians 4:8 that when Christ ascended on High, He gave gifts to men. What were these gifts? They are listed in the eleventh verse: “And he gave some, APOSTLES; and some, PROPHETS; and some, EVANGELISTS; and some, PASTORS and TEACHERS These are commonly referred to as “the fivefold ministry gifts.”
Actually, Jesus stood in all of the fivefold ministries—every one of them—and He’s our example in every one of them.
First, He stood in the office of the apostle. He’s called an apostle in the third chapter of Hebrews:
HEBREWS 3:1
1 Wherefore, holy brethren, partakers of the heavenly calling, consider the APOSTLE and High Priest of our profession, Christ Jesus.
The Greek word apostolos translated “apostle” means “a sent one,” so Jesus is the foremost example of “a sent one.” He was sent by God and by the Holy Spirit.
Second, Jesus stood in the office of the prophet. Jesus calls Himself a prophet in the fourth chapter of Luke’s Gospel: “No PROPHET is accepted in his own country” (v. 24).
Then you remember the story of the woman at the well in Samaria. She said she wanted the living water Jesus promised, but when He told her to go get her husband, she admitted, “I have no husband” (John 4:17).
Jesus replied, “Thou hast well said, I have no husband: For thou hast had five husbands; and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband: in that saidst thou truly” (vv. 17,18).
In other words, Jesus said the man she was living with wasn’t her husband. (In this modern day, we’ve encountered 16
The Anointing on Jesus
some people even in charismatic circles who are living together without marriage, saying, “Oh well, God knows, and he’s really my husband.” He’s no more your husband than you are a monkey’s uncle.)
The woman at Jacob’s Well acknowledged, “Sir, I perceive that thou art a PROPHET” (v. 19). She left her waterpot, returned to the city, and told the people, “Come, see a man, which told me all things that ever I did: is not this the Christ?” (v. 29).
One aspect of the prophet’s ministry is that he sees and knows things supernaturally. (In the Old Testament he sometimes was called a “seer.”) So Jesus was a prophet.
He also stood in the office of the evangelist. He said in Luke 4:18, “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to PREACH THE GOSPEL…. ” That’s what the evangelist is anointed to do: preach the Gospel, the Good News.
Fourth, Jesus stood in the office of pastor. He said, “l am the good SHEPHERD” (John 10:14). The word “shepherd” is the same word that’s translated “pastor.” Peter calls Jesus “the chief Shepherd” (1 Peter 5:4).
Fifth, Jesus stood in the office of teacher. The four Gospels say more about His teaching than anything else, if you go through and underline the word “teach” or “taught.” Jesus taught more than He healed. He taught more than He preached. Teaching was first with Him.
Matthew 9:35 says, “He went about all the cities and villages, TEACHING in their synagogues, and PREACHING the gospel of the kingdom, and HEALING every sickness and every disease among the people.”
His ministry consisted of teaching, preaching, and healing. There is an anointing that goes with each of these offices.
And if you’ll function in your office, the anointing will be there. It can become stronger—it can be increased—or you can cause it to diminish and decrease, as we will study later.
17
Understanding the Anointing
The Spirit Without Measure
John the Baptist, speaking about Jesus, infers Jesus had the Holy Spirit without measure, inferring that we as individuals have the Spirit by measure:
JOHN 3:34
34 For he whom God hath sent speaketh the words of God: for God giveth NOT the Spirit BY MEASURE unto him.
There is a measure of the Holy Spirit in the believer for a certain purpose, but an anointing comes upon you to stand in the office (or ministry) to which God has called you. Although it’s the same Holy Spirit, it’s a different anointing.
Because the Lord Jesus Christ had the Holy Spirit without measure, He stood in all five of the main ministry gifts, and He is the model for all of us to follow.
18
Chapter 2
2 The Anointing Within
Now he which stablisheth us with you in Christ, and hath ANOINTED us, is God;
Who hath also sealed us, and given the earnest of the Spirit in our hearts.
2 Corinthians 1:21,22
But ye have an UNCTION from the Holy One, and ye know all things ….
But the ANOINTING which ye have received of him abideth IN you, and ye need not that any man teach you: but as the same ANOINTING teacheth you of all things, and is truth, and is no lie, and even as it hath taught you, ye shall abide in him.
1 John 2:20,27
In these two verses from First John, the terms “unction” and “anointing” are used. The Greek word is the same in both verses.
Every believer has an anointing—an unction—that abides within him, because the Holy Spirit comes in us in the New Birth. Romans 8:9 says, “Now if any man have not the Spirit of Christ, he is none of his.” The Spirit of Christ is the Holy Spirit.
We’re not referring here to being baptized with the Holy Spirit, or being filled with the Holy Spirit, as the Bible terms it. That is a separate experience from the New Birth.
Two Spiritual Experiences
There is a dual working of the Spirit of God in the life of a believer: the New Birth and the baptism in the Holy Spirit.
19
Understanding the Anointing
In His teaching to the woman at the well of Samaria, Jesus said, “…the water that I shall give him shall be IN him a well of water springing up into everlasting life” (John 4:14).
In the seventh chapter of John’s Gospel, Jesus said, “He that believeth on me, as the scripture hath said, OUT of his belly shall flow rivers of living water” (v. 38).
Jesus told His disciples, “And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever; Even the Spirit of truth… for he dwelleth WITH you, and shall be IN you” (John 14:16,17).
Later, Jesus told the disciples, “But ye shall receive power AFTER that the Holy Ghost is come UPON you: and ye shall be witnesses unto me….” (Acts 1:8).
It’s obvious that these are two different experiences Jesus is talking about. One—the New Birth—blesses you. It’s water IN YOU springing up into everlasting life.
The other experience—the baptism in the Holy Spirit—makes you a blessing to others. It is those rivers flowing OUT of you; it is the enduement of power Jesus promised in Luke 24—and it is available to every believer.
LUKE 24:49
49 And, behold, I send the promise of my Father upon you: but tarry ye in the city of Jerusalem, until ye be endued with power from on high.
Life in the Spirit
In studying the Holy Spirit in the life of the believer who has been born of the Spirit and baptized with the Holy Spirit, we see many things.
We find that the Holy Spirit in us bears witness with our spirit that we are the children of God (Rom. 8:16).
We find that “as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God” (Rom. 8:14).
We also find it is the Holy Spirit who quickens: “If the 20
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Spirit of him that raised up Jesus from the dead dwell in you, he that raised up Christ from the dead shall also quicken [or make full of life] your mortal bodies [your death-doomed bodies] by his Spirit that dwelleth in you” (Rom. 8:11).
We find how the Holy Spirit helps us pray. For example, in First Corinthians 14:14, Paul said, “For if I pray in an unknown tongue, my spirit prayeth….”
Or, as The Amplified Bible has it: “For if I pray in an [unknown] tongue, my spirit [by the Holy Spirit within me] prays, but my mind is unproductive—bears no fruit and helps nobody. Then what am I to do? I will pray with my spirit—by the Holy Spirit that is within me; but I will also pray intelligently—with my mind and understanding; I will sing with my spirit—by the Holy Spirit that is within me; but I will sing (intelligently) with my mind and understanding also” (vv. 14,15).
Then we read in Romans 8:26,27: “Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities [or weaknesses]: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought….” One of our weaknesses is that we know not for what to pray as we ought!
“…But the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God.”
By putting these verses together, we can see that in groanings and in praying with other tongues, it’s the Spirit helping us pray for things we don’t know how to pray for as we should. But, thank God, He knows. Thank God for the Holy Spirit in the life of the believer!
Let’s look again at what Jesus said to the disciples about the Holy Spirit in the fourteenth chapter of John:
JOHN 14:16,17
16 And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever;
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17 Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth WITH you, and SHALL BE IN YOU.
Many translations read, “I’ll not leave you helpless. I’ll send you another Helper.” The Greek word parakletos that’s translated “Comforter” here means “one called alongside to help.”
The Amplified translation brings out the sevenfold meaning of the Greek word in this sixteenth verse: It means Comforter, Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, and Standby—and He’s all of these.
The Holy Spirit as Teacher
In addition to helping us pray and witness, that anointing helps us by teaching us.
In verse 17, Jesus called the Comforter the Spirit of truth. He said in John 15:26, “But when the Comforter is come, whom I will send unto you from the Father, even the Spirit of truth, which proceedeth from the Father, he shall testify of me.”
The Holy Spirit never testifies of Himself. He testifies of Jesus.
Jesus speaks to us by the Holy Spirit. Jesus is not here on earth today with a flesh-and-blood body, because His body was resurrected, and it’s now flesh and bone (Luke 24:39), the blood having been shed for our sins. With a flesh-and-bone body, Jesus is seated at the right hand of God (Rom. 8:34) and “ever liveth to make intercession” for us (Heb. 7:25).
So He’s not here in the natural, but, thank God, the Holy Spirit is, and Jesus speaks to us by the Spirit. When the anointing teaches you, that’s Jesus teaching you, because He said, “I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever” (John 14:16); and when He—the Comforter, the Helper, the Paraclete—has come, “he will guide you into all truth….” (John 16:13). Thank God He does.
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This verse continues, “…for he shall not speak of himself; but whatsoever he shall hear, that shall he speak: and he will shew you things to come.”
Jesus said more in the 15th verse: “…he shall take of mine, and shall shew it unto you.”
So these are other works of the Holy Spirit: to guide us into all truth; to take the things of Jesus and show them to us; and, in John 14:
JOHN 14:26
26 But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.
Did you ever notice how the Holy Spirit will bring to your remembrance Scriptures that you hardly knew—maybe you read them once? Praise God, that’s His work in the believer.
John, writing in his first epistle, First John 2:20, calls this anointing “an unction.”
1 JOHN 2:20
20 But ye have an UNCTION from the Holy One, and ye know all things.
The Spirit of Revelation
The Holy Spirit is supposed to show you all things. In First Corinthians, Paul talks about the fact that “Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him” (1 Cor. 2:9).
Often we read that verse—I guess we’ve all been guilty of it sometime or other—and said, “Now isn’t that wonderful? He’s going to provide things we’ve never seen and don’t know about.” But that’s not what God’s talking about at all. The very next verse says, “But God HATH revealed them unto us by His Spirit: for the Spirit searcheth all things, yea, the deep things of God” (v. 10).
Hallelujah! The Holy Spirit is a Spirit of revelation. He’ll 23
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“take of mine, and shall shew it unto you.”
John said, “You’ve received an unction, and you know all things.” The reason we don’t know more than we know is because we haven’t listened to that Teacher—the Holy Spirit is a Teacher.
Then in the 27th verse of First John 2, John writes, “But the ANOINTING which ye have received of him ABIDETH IN YOU, and ye need not that any man teach you: but as the same ANOINTING teacheth you of all things, and is truth, and is no lie, and even as it hath taught you, ye shall abide in him.”
Notice that the anointing which you’ve received of Him abideth in you. Where is the anointing? IN YOU. Doesn’t that sound like what Jesus said in John 14:17?
JOHN 14:17
17 Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be IN YOU.
He shall be where? IN YOU. Automatically we think of First John 4:4: “…greater is he that is IN YOU….” Here John calls that anointing “he,” because He is a divine personality. “Greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world ” I doubt seriously if any of us have ever taken advantage of Him who dwells in us, living in the fullness of what that means. If this is the case—if He dwells in us—then immediately we don’t have to be afraid of anything that’s in this world, because we have Someone in us who’s bigger than anything in the world!
“Yes,” people complain, “but you don’t know what I’ve got to put up with!”
I don’t care what you’ve got to put up with. He’s bigger! He’s greater!
In First John 2:27 we saw the phrase, “ye need not that any man teach you.” That doesn’t mean that God hasn’t set teachers in the Church! That doesn’t mean we don’t need teachers! The Holy Spirit will not contradict Himself.
Did you ever stop to think that when a man teaches under 24
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the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, it is not man teaching us something—it’s the Holy Spirit teaching us?
The Holy Spirit will teach us, and when we hear the Word taught, the Holy Spirit also will bear witness with our spirit if the teaching is right.
Beyond the Bible
A certain teacher caused a lot of trouble once for a friend of mine, a man who had been a Bible teacher for 35 years. My friend had taken his Bible class to this man’s meetings, but found his teaching began to be increasingly in error.
Finally he handed the man his Bible, saying, “You’re going to have to give me chapter and verse for that. You’re going to have to show that to me in the Bible.”
The traveling teacher handed the Bible back to him, saying, “Oh, you won’t find what I’m preaching in that thing.” (When you start calling the Bible “that thing,” you’re in trouble.)
“Oh, no,” he said, “I’m way out beyond that thing.”
If you’ve gotten out beyond the Bible, you’ve gotten out beyond the Holy Spirit, because the Bible says that the Spirit and the Word are one [agree], as John states in First John 5:7.
What was amazing to me was that my friend, a man who was saved, baptized in the Holy Spirit, and a Bible teacher in a Full Gospel church, got taken in by this false teacher and lost half his class!
On the other hand, a young Chinese woman, who had been converted only two weeks earlier in a tent meeting, went to the same teacher’s meetings one night but realized he was in error. She told me, “You know, something on the inside of me told me, ‘Don’t go back.’ So we never went back.”
She was just a baby Christian—she didn’t even have the baptism in the Holy Spirit yet—but she listened to the Spirit who was in her.
I think what happens to us is we go by our heads instead of 25
Understanding the Anointing
our spirits after we have been Christians for many years. Often our heads have been educated at the expense of our spirits.
The Spirit of God will teach us. That’s what the Spirit of God was teaching the Chinese woman: “That’s not right. Don’t go there.”
Of course God put teachers in the Church—teaching is one of the fivefold ministries, and that’s one way God teaches us. On the other hand, the Teacher is also in us. He’ll let us know when it’s right and He’ll let us know when it’s not right. And every believer has that anointing in him or her. We don’t need to pray for it. We’ve got it.
Why Christians Are Defeated
Oh, how real He is! If people would start developing that consciousness of the indwelling Spirit when they first become Christians, He would manifest Himself. But too often they haven’t been taught correctly.
They thought they got an “experience.” They kept trying to have another experience like that one, but it wasn’t an experience at all; it was Someone—a divine Personality—who came to live in them. He is a heavenly Being: the Holy Spirit.
So often we have been defeated because we weren’t taught this—or we were taught something that isn’t so, and we have had to “unlearn” it. It’s a lot harder to “unlearn” than it is to learn. Before we can walk on with God, sometimes we’ve got to “unlearn” some things.
We must learn to look to our (human) spirit, even when our mind can’t grasp what we’re hearing. I’ve heard men preach, I’ve listened to tapes, and I’ve studied books—and my head just couldn’t grasp it. But on the inside of me, it felt like something was turning flips. I knew my spirit, because of the Holy Spirit within me, was telling me, “That’s so.” But even with this witness, I’ve had problems accepting these things. Have you ever had such problems, or am I the only one?
What we think, or the way we’ve been taught often hinders 26
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us from moving into the Spirit realm. It also will keep us from praying in tongues.
Paul said, “For if I pray in an unknown tongue, my spirit prayeth, but my understanding is unfruitful” (1 Cor. 14:14). Our understanding, or, we might say, our mind—it would be the same thing—wants to get in on everything, but it can’t get in on praying in the Spirit unless God gives the interpretation.
Therefore, our mind will try to talk us out of praying in tongues. Even after we’ve prayed a while, our mind will say, “Well, what good did that do?”
Then, of course, the devil will side in with that unrenewed mind, agreeing, “What good did you get out of that? You don’t know one word you said! Isn’t that foolish? Anyway, that didn’t sound much like a language.”
That’s our problem: We pass judgment on something instead of listening to what God’s Word says about it. God even said in Isaiah 28:11, “With stammering lips and another tongue will he [God] speak unto this people.” So, bless God, if you just stammered, that’s the Holy Spirit, too! Accept it and go on with God. Expect more, and He’ll give you more.
The Temple of God
We saw earlier the text from First John 4:4: “…greater is he that is IN YOU, than he that is in the world.” Here John is talking about the Holy Spirit who is in us—”Christ IN YOU, the hope of glory” (Col. 1:27). He dwells in us by the power of the Spirit.
In First Corinthians 3, Paul uses different terms to say the same thing John said. John said, “…the anointing which ye have received of him abideth IN YOU….” (1 John 2:20). Here Paul is saying, “Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth IN YOU?” (1 Cor. 3:16).
Look at First Corinthians 6:19: “What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God and ye are not your own?”
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Then notice this second letter Paul wrote to the Corinthians. He must have wanted to reemphasize this truth:
2 CORINTHIANS 6:14-16
14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?
15 And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?
16 And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell IN them, and walk IN them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.
The believer is called a “believer,” and the unbeliever is called an “unbeliever.”
The believer is called “righteousness,” and the unbeliever is called “unrighteousness.”
The believer is called “light,” and the unbeliever is called “darkness.”
The believer is called “Christ,” and the unbeliever is called “Belial.”
The believer is called “the temple of God,” and the unbeliever is called “idols.”
That’s shouting ground, isn’t it? “Ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them [live in them, in other words] and walk in them….”
So there is an individual (or personal) anointing of the Holy Spirit that abides IN each one of us. We need to learn to take advantage of it.
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Chapter 3
3 How the Anointing Led Me
The text we just studied from First John says, “the anointing which ye have received of him abideth IN you… [and] teacheth you of all things.” What is that anointing for? It’s to teach you all things!
I remember the night I was born again: I was born again the 22nd day of April 1933. I know that an unction or anointing came into me that very night. I am just as conscious of it on the inside of me as I am of my two ears on the outside of me.
The Holy Spirit began to try to teach me a lot of things, but my head wouldn’t go along with it. I didn’t know to listen to Him. So often we have been religiously brainwashed. Our heads are all cluttered up with religious things, and we have not been trained to listen to and follow our spirits.
But it was there on that bed of sickness as a 15- and 16-year-old invalid that I got into the Word, and the Spirit of God taught me about divine healing.
Five doctors had told me, “You’re going to die—that’s all there is to it. You can’t live. There’s not one chance in a million for you to live.”
But something inside me—that anointing that teaches you all things—that inward “something”—said, “You don’t have to die. Not now. Not at this age. Not as a teenager. You can live. You can be healed!”
I said, “Can I?”
Something inside me said, “It’s all in the Book. Get in the Book. The Bible—that’s where it is!” And thank God I got in there, and He taught me. I didn’t have an earthly teacher.
It was difficult, however. It’s easier to learn spiritual things 29
Understanding the Anointing
if you have a human teacher, because you can see the teacher, listen to him or her, and the witness of the Holy Spirit on the inside of you will let you know whether or not they’re teaching what is right.
Thank God, He taught me. I listened to Him, and He led me right into the Word, right into faith—and right into healing.
What if I never had listened? I never would have been taught; I would have died and gone on to glory and missed doing what God called me to do; and we wouldn’t have any RHEMA Bible Training Center. I’m so glad I learned to listen!
I saw after my healing that if I had listened to what that “something” on the inside of me had been trying to tell me, I would have been out of that bed a lot sooner. I was an invalid 16 long months before I was healed.
I’ll challenge anybody anywhere that if they’ve got the Holy Spirit living inside them—the One who is the Author of the Bible—He’ll lead them right into divine healing. If it’s the same Holy Spirit who authored this Book, He’s going to teach you what’s in there.
When He opened the Word to me, I acted upon the Word. I didn’t know anybody who believed in divine healing, so I didn’t have anybody to pray for me. I learned to listen, thank God, to my spirit.
On the inside of me was this voice teaching me. It said, “You believe all right as far as you know, but that last clause of Mark 11:24—”and ye shall have them”—goes with the preceding clause, “believe that ye receive them.”
MARK 11:24
24 Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them.
Like a flash, I saw it. What I’d been trying to do was get healed first—have it first—and then I was going to believe it. He said, “Believe it first, and then you’ll have it.”
So I began to say, right out loud in my room, “I believe. I 30
How the Anointing Led Me
believe. I believe I receive healing for the deformed heart. I believe I receive healing for the paralysis. I believe I receive healing for the incurable blood disease.”
And while I was saying that and praising God for it, that anointing in me—IN me—said, “Arise. People who are well ought to be up at 10:30 in the morning.”
I thought for a moment, How am I going to get up? I’m paralyzed. But when I made the effort and acted upon the Word, the power of God came down on me and went through me like a bolt of electricity!
I stood upright on my feet and was healed—and I have been healed ever since. I say this to the glory of God: I’ve had half a century of divine health.
The last headache I had was in August 1933, but don’t misunderstand me: I’m not opposed to doctors. Thank God for them. Medical science will help people as much as it can. If I’d have needed to go to a doctor in the past half century, I would have gone—but I haven’t needed to. I’ve sent other people to the doctor, however, paid their bills, and bought their medicine. (Doctors often can keep people alive until we can get enough Word in them to get them healed.)
My healing came about by my listening to that inward anointing that teaches you all things. I listened, obeyed, and off the bed I came.
I would challenge anybody who is born again (because you’re born of the Holy Spirit): The Spirit will lead you into the baptism of the Holy Spirit. It was that same Spirit—that same anointing that teaches—who led me into the baptism of the Holy Spirit.
After my healing, I began to seek out the fellowship of those who believed like I did.
Some Full Gospel people had come to our town. Even though there were a lot of things about them that I didn’t understand and didn’t agree with, I didn’t criticize them. I welcomed them with open arms. I was glad to find somebody 31
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who believed in faith and healing that I could fellowship with. We need fellowship.
Now, you don’t have to go to Full Gospel services too long until people start preaching and testifying about the baptism in the Holy Spirit and speaking in tongues. When they did, I closed my ears, because I didn’t know whether it was right or wrong. I thought, I’ll just put up with a little fanaticism to have a little fellowship around faith and healing. I was about to enroll in a Baptist seminary.
Yes, you can be thoroughly saved, get people saved and healed every Sunday, see miracles performed, and still close your ears to other things of the Word. God will bless you all He can, because He’s out to bless you. He’s not out to “get” you, praise the Lord.
He’ll confirm His Word. If you preach about salvation, people will get saved. If you preach about healing, people will get healed.
I preached water baptism, and people got baptized in water. I preached prayer, and people prayed. I preached living right, and people lived right. But none of them got baptized with the Holy Spirit, because I never said anything about it!
‘This Holy Ghost Business’
Walking down the street one day in April 1937 in my hometown, I said to the Lord, “Now, Lord, who’s right about this Holy Ghost business?
“My church says that if you’re born again, you’re born of the Spirit [and that’s true, but a half truth does more damage than an untruth]. They say that’s all there is to it; it ends right there.” And I began to quote Dr. So-and-so and another renowned Baptist minister.
Then I said, “Now, these Pentecostal people say that they’re baptized with the Holy Spirit according to Acts 2:4. But one or two other Baptist fellows whom I like real well tell me there is an experience subsequent to salvation called the baptism in the 32
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Holy Spirit—it is an enduement of power from on High—but you don’t have to speak with tongues. I’m prone to follow them. Who’s right about this?”
I didn’t have the baptism of the Holy Spirit, but I did have Him in me, because I’m born of the Spirit and His Spirit bears witness with my spirit that I’m a child of God.
The minute I asked “Who’s right?” that anointing in me began to teach me. No, there was no thundering voice on the outside; it was just that still, small voice, as we call it, that every believer has.
On the inside of me, He spoke up so plainly. He knew that I knew the Word, for I read it constantly. (Before I ever started preaching, I had read the New Testament 150 times and portions of it more than that.)
He said, “What does Acts 2:38 say?”
“Oh,” I said, “Acts 2:38 says, ‘Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.'”
That inward voice said, “What was that last statement you just said?”
I said, ” ‘And ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.'”
“Well, what does the next verse say?”
I answered, “Acts 2:39 says, ‘For the promise is unto you, and to your children, and to all that are afar off, even as many as the Lord our God shall call.’ ”
“What promise is that?” the inward voice asked.
As I hesitated, that inward voice said, “Quote that last clause of verse 38.”
I said, ” ‘And ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.’ Yes, Lord,” I continued, “I believe that all right. I believe in the Holy Spirit now. It’s those tongues that I don’t believe in and don’t know about.”
And that inward voice said, “What did Acts 2:4 say?”
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Very glibly, I said, “Acts 2:4 says, And they were all filled with the Holy Ghost, and began to … ‘ Oh, I see it. I see it! I see it! ‘… and BEGAN TO SPEAK WITH OTHER TONGUES, as the Spirit gave them utterance.’ ”
The same Spirit I was born of and became acquainted with on the bed of sickness taught me about divine healing and the baptism of the Holy Spirit. The same Spirit led me, for the unction abides in me.
Receiving the baptism of the Holy Spirit is receiving the same Spirit. It’s a deeper dimension. It’s entering into the fullness of what God has for us.
So walking down the street in my hometown, I immediately said, “I’m going down to the Full Gospel pastor’s house and receive the Holy Spirit right now.” (That’s pretty good for a Baptist boy pastor.)
It was the custom among Full Gospel people in those days to have tarrying services to be filled with the Holy Spirit. I think it’s fine to wait on God, but don’t tarry to be filled with the Holy Spirit. Get filled first and then tarry. I think that’s one place we’ve missed it. We ought to have tarrying meetings—waiting meetings.
When I told the pastor, “I came down here to receive the Holy Spirit,” the first thing he said was, “Wait.”
I said, “It won’t take me long to receive.” If you’ve heard my story, you know it wasn’t eight minutes until I was talking in tongues.
I prayed, “Lord, I came down here to be filled with the Holy Spirit. I know I have the Holy Spirit in me in the New Birth.”
I quoted to the Lord what the Scripture said in Acts 2:38. Then I said, “Lord, I received my salvation—my New Birth—by faith. I received my healing by faith. Now I receive this experience by faith. I want to declare by faith that I am filled with the Holy Spirit. Glory to God, I have it. And now I expect to speak with tongues. Hallelujah!”
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We didn’t say “hallelujah” in my church, but I said it half a dozen times. It felt like somebody had built a bonfire inside me. It began to burn and it blazed up. It seemed like I could “see” strange words coming up, and it seemed like I knew what they would sound like if they were spoken. I started speaking them out.
I talked in tongues for an hour and a half and sang three songs in tongues, glory to God.
That anointing—the same Spirit—the same voice—that led me into divine healing of a deformed heart and almost total paralysis led me right into this experience. He’ll teach you, too, if you’ll listen to Him.
Every believer has that anointing.
Notice I didn’t say every Spirit-filled believer. Every believer has that anointing in him.
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Chapter 4
4 Ministering Healing Without an Anointing
The Scripture doesn’t say, “These signs shall follow those who are baptized with the Holy Spirit”; it says, “… these signs shall follow them that BELIEVE… they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover” (Mark 16:17,18).
I’d tell my Baptist congregation that. I’d preach it from the pulpit, but I didn’t lay hands on them publicly. When I’d visit them in their homes, I’d read this to them.
“See, it says right here. We believe, don’t we? Don’t you believe on Jesus?”
“Yeah, I believe on Him, all right,” they’d say.
“I’m going to lay my hands on you, and God is going to heal you,” I’d tell them.
After coming into Pentecostal circles, I found from talking to the pastors that while I was a Baptist boy preacher, without the baptism of the Holy Spirit, I was getting a higher percentage of my people healed than any five Pentecostal pastors were their people. Some said they seldom got anybody healed. It was a common occurrence with me. The difference was that I was teaching faith and prayer. I didn’t have any anointing; I didn’t feel anything; and nothing went out of me into them.
One of these early experiences with healing involved the pianist of the little country church I was pastoring. When she wasn’t there one Sunday, I asked about her and was told she was in the hospital and was scheduled for surgery the following morning.
I got up very early the next morning to get to her before they gave her a shot and I couldn’t communicate with her. The sun 37
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wasn’t up yet when I arrived at the hospital.
I read the Scripture to her. I said, “I’m going to pray for you. Here’s what the Bible says.”
I had a little bottle of olive oil, and I told her, “I’m going to anoint you with oil.” Then I said, “Here it says that these signs shall follow them that believe. They will lay hands on the sick. I’m going to lay hands on you.”
Although I was used to seeing people get healed, I didn’t expect it to happen as fast as it did. When I started praying for her, she exclaimed, “WHOOOO! I’ve got it!” and jumped right out of bed. She never was operated on. Now, if that’ll work for the Baptists, it’ll work for anybody! And I didn’t have the baptism with the Holy Spirit yet.
I saw healings like hers as a Baptist preacher when I didn’t have any special anointing to pray for the sick, and I never felt a thing. Being Baptist, I didn’t know I was supposed to feel anything. Yet God honors His Word.
When I changed over into the Full Gospel ministry, I didn’t get a “new” Holy Spirit, or a different Holy Spirit. He’s not twins. He’s not triplets. There’s just one Holy Spirit—but the anointing may be varied. Actually, He does all the work of God.
My fellow ministers and Bible teachers among the Southern Baptists had warned me against going among Full Gospel people. One outstanding Bible teacher, a graduate of a famous Baptist seminary, said, “Kenneth, now you be careful about those Full Gospel people.”
“Why?” I asked.
“That speaking in tongues is of the devil,” he said.
I didn’t know whether it was or wasn’t. I just knew the Pentecostals were right in believing about divine healing, so I kept fellowshipping with them. It strengthened my faith to be around people who believed in healing. After I got filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke with other tongues, I almost ran to find that Bible teacher.
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Ministering Healing Without an Anointing
And in case he didn’t bring it up, I brought up the subject myself.
He began to warn me again: “Now you want to be careful about those Full Gospel people.”
“Why?”
Before he criticized them he said, “Well now, I’ll admit they live better lives than we do, and in a lot of ways they’re very fundamental in their beliefs—but that speaking in tongues is of the devil!”
“Is it?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said. “It is.”
I asked, “Then the Spirit that gave them utterance in tongues is the spirit of the devil?”
“That’s right.”
I said, “If that’s so, then the whole Southern Baptist movement is of the devil.”
He nearly swallowed his Adam’s apple. He eventually came up for air, sputtering, “Why—what are you talking about?”
“Well,” I said, “the same Holy Spirit that I was born of in the Baptist church—the same Holy Spirit—gave me utterance in tongues, and I spoke with other tongues. It was the same Holy Spirit—the same Spirit.”
“Oh, no, no, no, no—don’t say a thing like that!”
“Why?”
“Oh, it can’t be so.”
I said, “How do you know?”
“I just know.”
I asked, “Have you ever spoken in tongues?”
“No.”
“Well,” I said, “don’t be a fool, then. You’re a Bible teacher. In Proverbs it says a fool answers a matter before he hears it. 39
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Don’t be a fool. You’ve never spoken in tongues. You’re not qualified to speak on the subject. Now, you know the Spirit you got in the New Birth, don’t you?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s the same Spirit I got among the Baptists when I was born again. It was the same Holy Spirit. It was the same Spirit I’ve had all the time—I didn’t get another spirit. And He is the One who gave me utterance in other tongues.”
“Oh, that can’t be so. I—I—I—I’ll give that a little further study and then I’ll get back to you.”
Some 46 years have passed, and he’s never gotten back to me yet.
The point is, that unction IN you is to teach you, and, thank God, He will.
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SECTION II
Section II—Anointing on Ministry Gifts

Chapter 5
5 The Fivefold Ministry Gifts
The Word of God will work with or without an anointing.
But there also is an anointing that comes upon those whom God has called and separated unto the ministry. It’s the same Holy Spirit, but the anointing to stand in a certain office is different from that anointing that abides within every believer. With the anointing, you’re better able to teach, preach, and do more.
In the Old Testament, only the prophet, priest, and king were anointed.
We saw in Section 1 that Jesus stood in the fivefold ministry offices listed in the New Testament: (1) apostle, (2) prophet, (3) evangelist, (4) pastor, and (5) teacher.
The Word of God teaches that there are other ministries as well, such as helps, but the fivefold ministries seem to be the main pivotal gifts.
First Corinthians 12 and Romans 12 list the other ministry gifts. The anointing will come upon you to stand in these offices, too, if you are called to them.
1 CORINTHIANS 12:28
28 And God hath set some in the church, first APOSTLES, secondarily PROPHETS, thirdly TEACHERS, after that MIRACLES, then GIFTS OF HEALINGS, HELPS, GOVERNMENTS, DIVERSITIES OF TONGUES.
ROMANS 12:6-8
6 Having then gifts differing according to the grace that is given to us, whether PROPHECY, let us prophesy according to the proportion of faith;
7 Or MINISTRY, let us wait on our ministering: or he that TEACHETH, on teaching;
8 Or he that EXHORTETH, on exhortation: he that GIVETH, let 43
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him do it with simplicity; he that RULETH, with diligence; he that SHEWETH MERCY, with cheerfulness.
You can stand in more than one office, but you need to find out where you are and what your office is and yield to that. Then God will use you, and you will excel in your calling.
God didn’t call us all to do the same thing. Sometimes we ministers try to be a jack-of-all-trades and we become the master of none. We try to do too much, we spread ourselves too thin, and the anointing’s not there to do it.
That’s the reason people get in trouble: They try to function in an office to which God didn’t call them. They do something just because somebody else is doing it. And that is very dangerous.
I remember something that Brother Howard Carter said. He was a great teacher and a great man of God. I never knew him personally, but I had an opportunity to hear him preach once in Texas. After the service, I met him. He was about 70 at the time, and he lived to be over 80.
While we were talking, a woman came up to him, asking, “Brother Carter, would you pray for the healing of my child?”
He answered, “Go get my wife to lay hands on her. God doesn’t use me much along that line, but nearly everybody she lays hands on gets healed, and nearly everybody I lay hands on gets baptized with the Holy Spirit.” (That’s a good combination, isn’t it?)
I’d seen him take 19 people into a side room that night, speak a few words to them, lay hands on them, and all 19 of them began to speak in tongues the minute he touched them.
He said, “That’s my ministry. That’s where my anointing is. My wife’s anointing is to lay hands on the sick.”
When the woman left to look for Sister Carter, Brother Carter turned to us preachers and said, “Of course, I could have prayed in faith for her child, but if somebody’s anointed to minister that way, it’s a whole lot better.”
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Yes, he could have prayed the prayer of faith—any one of us ministers standing there that night could have prayed the prayer of faith and laid hands on the child. The laying on of hands belongs to all believers according to Mark 16:17,18.
But what was Brother Carter recognizing? He was recognizing that in the ministry some of us are anointed to do one thing and some are anointed to do another, and if we’ll excel where our anointing is, we’ll be a greater blessing to the Body of Christ.
No one is going to do it all. We need each other. I praise God for every ministry called of God and anointed with the Holy Spirit.
The Offices of Evangelist and Exhorter
Actually, the healing ministry—the gifts of healings (1 Cor. 12:28)—should go with the office of the evangelist.
The Word of God also talks about the office of the exhorter (Rom. 12:8). We usually think of exhortation as being part of all these other offices, but there is a specific office of exhorter.
Those whom we call “evangelists” often are exhorters (I know it would hurt their feelings to tell them that).
The word “evangelist,” however, is used only three times in the New Testament: (1) “Philip the evangelist” is spoken of in Acts 21:8; (2) the gift “evangelist” is listed in Ephesians 4:11; (3) and Paul told Timothy to do “the work of an evangelist” in Second Timothy 4:5.
Philip, then, is the only model other than Jesus that we have for an evangelist.
In the early days of the Church, we see that Philip went down to Samaria and preached with great miracles resulting. At that time, however, as we will study in Chapter 8, Philip was still a deacon.
ACTS 8:5-7
5 Then Philip went down to the city of Samaria, and preached 45
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Christ unto them.
6 And the people with one accord gave heed unto those things which Philip spake, hearing and seeing the miracles which he did [which HE DID!].
7 For unclean spirits, crying with loud voice, came out of many that were possessed with them: and many taken with palsies, and that were lame, were healed.
There’s no doubt Philip was anointed by the Holy Spirit. Many who had the palsy were healed, the Bible says. Many who were lame were healed. It doesn’t mention anything about anybody else being healed, but those healings were enough to attract attention to Jesus. People got saved, “and there was great joy in that city” (v. 8).
Notice that not all of the people were healed. Verse 7 says “MANY… were healed.” If everybody had gotten healed of all kinds of diseases, the Bible would have said so.
The Bible says of the ministry of Jesus, “And Jesus went about all Galilee,… healing ALL manner of sickness and ALL manner of disease among the people” (Matt. 4:23).
It’s very interesting to notice how Jesus ministered. I wish we had time to trace it. Jesus ministered under the anointing in all five pivotal offices. Because Jesus had the Spirit without measure, all manner of sickness and all manner of disease were healed under His ministry, as we have seen.
Remember, Acts 10:38 said, “How God ANOINTED [there it is again] Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Ghost and with power: who went about doing good, and healing all that were oppressed of the devil.”
But any teacher of the Word could teach God’s Word, or any preacher of the Word could preach God’s Word, and people could believe that Word and be saved and healed without any transfer of anointing. (Of course, it’s the Holy Spirit who anoints the teacher and preacher.)
Ministering under the anointing, however, is a different thing. God uses people differently. Notice that under Philip’s ministry, “unclean spirits… came out of many… and many 46
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taken with palsies, and that were lame, were healed.”
Why? Because Philip was gifted to minister only in those areas of healing.
Our RHEMA Bible Training Center students all have read F. F. Bosworth’s classic book, Christ the Healer. I knew Bosworth. I’ve talked to him personally. He was 77 years old the last time I talked to him, but you’d have thought he was 55 just to look at him.
I heard him minister in another man’s meeting. Bosworth would teach in the daytime and this other man would minister in the night services.
Bosworth would say, “Anybody who’s deaf or has any ear trouble, even if you’ve had an operation and had your eardrum removed, come up here and I’ll lay hands on you and you’ll be healed.” Every single one of the people Bosworth prayed for—without fail—got healed.
Bosworth said, “I can’t tell you why—I don’t know why—but God uses me along that line. I usually never fail to get a deaf person healed, or one whose hearing is impaired healed, or God will put a new eardrum in there if they’ve had an operation.” Bosworth was endowed by the Spirit to minister in that area.
When Bosworth said he didn’t understand it, that started me thinking. If there’s something I don’t know, I’ll stay up day and night and burn the midnight oil until I find the answers. That’s just my nature.
We ministers used to compare notes at Voice of Healing conventions that were held during the great Healing Revival. One preacher had great success in getting “deaf and dumb” (mute) people healed. Another said, “I don’t remember of one deaf or dumb person being healed in my ministry, but nearly every blind person I lay hands on gets healed.” The first man, who got deaf and dumb persons healed, couldn’t remember of a blind person ever being healed under his ministry.
In comparing notes, I discovered that I got more people healed of cancer (usually in tumor form) than all the rest of them 47
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put together. I’d seldom fail along that line with a tumor or growth in those days; that’s where my gift lay.
Minister where your anointing is—find out where it is.
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Chapter 6
6 The Anointing To Preach
I remember how it shocked my Grandma when I announced, “I’m going to be a preacher.”
Grandma said, “Why, son, you can’t preach—you can’t talk!”
It was true. Because my heart didn’t beat right and I would pass out if I tried to exert myself, I had learned in my younger years to sit around and keep my mouth shut.
In fact, the year before I became bedfast, Grandpa Drake said one night at the supper table, “I saw your teacher Miss Bessie Mae Hamilton today, and I asked, ‘How is Kenneth doing?’
“‘Oh,’ she said, ‘Mr. Drake, he’s just like he always was. If you waited on him to say anything, he’d never say anything. In fact, he could miss the class and nobody would ever know it.'”
That put an idea in my mind! I decided to try that out. I had only two classes in the afternoon—Miss Bessie Mae’s and another—so two or three times a week I’d play hooky and go to the show.
You know, they never did miss me. They never counted me absent. Of course, after I got saved, I quit doing that. When I went back to high school after my healing, I never missed a day. But that’s how quiet I was.
After I was saved and healed, I began to preach as a young Baptist boy preacher. I knew I was called to preach, and the anointing to preach would come upon me. I didn’t have any anointing to teach, and I didn’t like teaching.
I’d pray, study, and prepare sermon outlines—and I’ve got nearly all of them still. I don’t preach some of them anymore, but they represent all the light I had then. (God will bless you 49
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because you’re walking in all the light you have.)
The first time I preached, I preached 45 minutes. Some beginners go 10 or 15 minutes. I went 45. And I’ve been going ever since!
For a number of years I was a preacher—and, oh, I could preach! I was a preaching machine! I liked that anointing! When it came upon me, I’d preach so hard and fast, the congregation would say, “Slow down! Slow down! We can’t get half of what you say, you go so fast.”
I didn’t have the baptism in the Holy Spirit then, but I had the Holy Spirit in me, and an anointing would come on me, because I was called to that office. (In the Old Testament, too, the anointing came on people to stand in certain offices.)
The Glory Cloud Manifests
I could relate some phenomenal things that happened when the anointing to preach came upon me as a young Baptist boy preacher.
One Sunday night I was preaching an evangelistic-type sermon from James 4:14, where James asks, “For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.” I’d been preaching about 15 minutes, anointed by the Holy Spirit, when the power of God came into that church auditorium and filled it like a cloud.
I could not see a single member—I was in the cloud. I could hear the sound of my voice, but I didn’t know one word of what I said. For 17 minutes—I looked at my watch—I couldn’t distinguish a word.
Finally I could see people on the first three rows of seats. Then the anointing began to go away. It was just like a cloud lifted from the whole group. I didn’t say anything about it; I closed the service normally.
Several days later I asked a very spiritual old gentleman who had been there, “Was anything different about the service Sunday night?”
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The Anointing To Preach
“Well, why?” he replied.
“Well, you tell me if there was, and then I’ll tell you why.”
He said, “Well, the only thing was that people have been talking about it all over the community. It seemed like your face shone. It didn’t look like you—it just looked like the face of an angel.”
Then I told him about it. I told him I hadn’t known one word I said for the last 17 minutes of the service, the anointing was upon me so. That’s all a work of the Holy Spirit: the anointing and the glory cloud.
The Anointing Increases
After being baptized in the Holy Spirit, I entered into a greater dimension of the power of God, and that anointing to preach increased.
There is a scriptural basis for this: Elisha desired a double portion of Elijah’s anointing. Elijah was anointed by the Holy Spirit to stand in the office of prophet, and Elisha had a double portion of that anointing—a greater anointing, in other words, to stand in the same office.
After I was baptized with the Holy Spirit and spoke in tongues, I didn’t announce it to my church. I followed that anointing in me that teaches you all things.
Something on the inside of me said, “Don’t say anything about it in church.” So I never mentioned it; I just went right on with our services in that little country church.
It wasn’t 30 days until people started saying, “What happened to you?”
“What do you mean, what happened to me?”
“Well, you’re different,” they said.
“What do you mean, I’m different? Is it good or bad?”
“It’s good,” they said.
“Well,” I said, “what is it? What do you mean?”
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“Oh, you’ve got power you didn’t have before. When you preach, you have power you didn’t have before.”
I had been anointed to preach before, but now the anointing to preach was increased.
The people said, “When you preach now, it almost knocks us off the seats.”
They didn’t mean I was a hard preacher—it was just the power behind the preaching.
One member of the congregation was a Presbyterian. Ours was a community church—the only church in the community—and 85 percent of the people were Baptists.
This Presbyterian gentleman was wealthy even for that day. He owned many acres of land. All of his children were grown and married. Just before he and his wife left on a tour to Europe, he had heard of a couple in the community who had received the baptism in the Holy Spirit, and he had announced, “If that talking in tongues gets in here, I’m pulling all of my folks out!” There were seven families of them.
While he was in Europe, I received the baptism. When he returned, he asked another member, an elderly Methodist man, “What happened to our little preacher while I was gone?”
This Methodist gentleman was a spiritual giant. He told me he had answered, “Oh, has something happened to him?”
“Yes, it sure has,” the Presbyterian said.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, he’s a better preacher than he used to be.”
“Well, I always thought he was a good preacher,” the Methodist answered.
“Yeah, but he’s more powerful now than he ever was before. He’s got a power he never had before.”
I had shared my experience with the Methodist man, although I hadn’t told it publicly, because I didn’t want the church split.
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So he said, “Mr. C, you know what happened to our little preacher while you were gone?”
“No.”
“He got baptized with the Holy Spirit and spoke in other tongues!”
The Presbyterian dropped his head, and the Methodist didn’t know if he was about to announce he was pulling out or not.
But we never lost a member, we never lost a family. They saw the value of the experience.
The Presbyterian announced, “I’ve heard him preach before, and I’ve heard him preach since, and I want it!”
Ninety-three percent of them followed me in the baptism of the Holy Spirit, and the other seven percent still attended.
Although I would be anointed to preach, that strong anointing with the glory cloud didn’t happen again in my ministry for three more years. During those years I had been baptized in the Holy Spirit, had come over among Full Gospel people, and was pastoring a little church in the black land of northcentral Texas.
One Sunday night I was preaching away on prophecy—it was the second Sunday night of September 1939—and the anointing came upon me. I don’t know what I said, and I couldn’t see anything or anyone. It was as if a cloud or dense fog filled the church.
When I came to myself, I was standing down in front, off the platform. That was the first time I’d ever done that. In fact, my wife had said, “I believe you could preach standing in a wash pan,” because I never moved from behind the pulpit when I preached. I had been trained that way when I was a Southern Baptist.
But here the glory had come down and I didn’t know one word I had said for 15 minutes. I had been in the glory cloud. When I found myself walking around the altar, I got so embarrassed my face got red, and I ran back on the platform, got 53
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behind the pulpit, said, “Amen. Let’s pray,” and gave the invitation.
When the Anointing Is Present
Every sinner in the church came and got saved. We had revival that night! Twenty were baptized in the Holy Spirit that night. That may not sound big now, but back in 1939 if we had half a dozen saved and three baptized in the Holy Spirit, we thought we had a landslide.
In that service everybody who didn’t have the baptism was baptized, and everybody who was lost or backslid got back to God. It wasn’t my preaching that did it; it was the anointing.
The glory cloud still appears quite frequently in our healing meetings and other services. People have seen it. It comes in and fills the room.
Sometimes when I am preaching or teaching, it comes in and absolutely blocks everyone from view. Most of the time it just hangs above their heads. It is at times like these that people receive healing without anyone ministering to them, because the anointing is there.
Sometimes the anointing comes into visible manifestation. Do you think it wasn’t visible when the house started shaking where the early Christians were praying? And when that jail at Philippi started shaking and every door flew open, it came into manifestation again as a result of Paul’s and Silas’ praying.
I have the anointing of the Holy Spirit in me all the time, as any believer has, but we’re speaking here of an anointing to preach.
I don’t preach much anymore—I mostly teach—but I like the preaching anointing. I love it.
It’s different from the anointing to teach. It feels different. It’s more exuberant. It’s the same Spirit, but a different anointing. Thank God for the anointing to preach! If I had any control over it, I’d bring on that anointing to preach often, because I like it.
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The Anointing To Preach
The difference between preaching and teaching is that to preach means to proclaim, but to teach means to explain.
Once in a while, that anointing to preach still will come on me. If you’ve never heard me preach, get my tape “El Shaddai.” I’m preaching on that one, not teaching.
I preached “El Shaddai” years ago at a Full Gospel Business Men’s meeting near Washington, D.C. The special singer was singing the last song, and I was sitting there on that platform minding my own business, ready to give my testimony about going to hell, when something like a cloak came on me. It fit over me like an overcoat. It was this anointing to preach. You talk about a fellow feeling “preachy”!
Remember, Elijah threw his cloak over Elisha, signifying that the Holy Spirit was coming on him in that way: just like a mantle was on him, and that’s the way it was with me. After all, these Old Testament types and shadows were fulfilled in the New.
When they turned the service over to me, I didn’t have my sermon notes on “El Shaddai,” but the anointing was there to preach, so I just took my text and took off. We had a service!
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Chapter 7
7 The Anointing To Teach
Even though I wasn’t a teacher to begin with, I always had the greatest respect for the Word of God, and always was very studious. I spent hours studying and reading, digging things out for myself in my early years as a pastor, but I didn’t teach those things. I had no unction or leading to teach.
I did teach a Bible class in the church, however. That’s the custom in most Pentecostal churches. Sometimes Full Gospel, Pentecostal people criticize denominational people for formality and ritualism, yet Pentecostals are bound with customs! They’ll fight for their customs. All these things are bad.
I received the baptism of the Holy Spirit and spoke in other tongues in 1937, and in 1939, as I say humorously, I received “the left foot of fellowship” from among the Baptists and came over among the Pentecostals. My wife and I accepted the pastorate of a little Pentecostal church in North Texas.
The people said, “It’s a custom that the pastor teach the men’s Bible class and the pastor’s wife teach the older ladies’ Bible class.”
“Well,” I replied, “I just changed the custom.” I hadn’t been around Pentecostals too long at that stage, and I thought they were all sprouting wings. I found out later those were just their shoulder blades sticking out. They weren’t about to grow any wings. And I found out if you start changing their customs, you’re in for it.
So I had to maneuver and speak softly, but finally I got it over to them that my wife didn’t teach. They said, “Well, we’ll tell you what we’ll do. We’ll just combine the older men and the older ladies and have an auditorium class, and you teach it.” I’d rather have done almost anything else, but I taught it.
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I never was so glad of anything in my life as I was when that class was over each Sunday morning. I’d lay that teacher’s quarterly down and say, “Whew, now I can relax for another week.”
I so detested teaching that I wouldn’t look at the Sunday School quarterly for the whole week. Sometimes I didn’t pick it up to study it until just before the class started the next Sunday morning!
I could get by with that because I had developed a unique ability—after I was born again—of being able to read something once and never forget it. I didn’t have that talent before I got born again. But afterwards I could read a chapter in my high school history book once and recite it word for word for the teacher. It was because I learned to walk in the life of God. Doing that will increase your mentality. I could hardly remember anything before.
So I could read the teacher’s lesson once from the quarterly and rattle it off. Then I’d say, “I’m glad that’s over! Now I can get back to preaching!” And I’d preach up a storm, going like an air hammer, waving my arms like a windmill. (I thought it wasn’t preaching unless you did that.) I was a preacher, and I loved it. I’d have rather preached than eaten.
I preached for nine years. All I had was the evangelistic message. I never preached anything else. I didn’t have anything else!
But I remember one Thursday afternoon at 3 o’clock. (The year was 1943. I had been preaching since 1934.)
I’d been lying down. I walked across the parsonage living room and into the kitchen for a drink of water. As I was coming back across the living room, right in the middle of the room, something dropped down on me and inside me. It just clicked down on the inside of me like a coin drops inside a pay phone. I stopped dead still. I knew what it was. It was a teaching gift. The anointing to teach had dropped inside me. I said, “Now I can teach.”
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The Anointing To Teach
If I get any gift from God, I prove it out first, and I would encourage you to do the same. Prove what you’ve got from God, and then you can talk about it. But if it’s never proved, proclaiming it won’t make it so. I never said a word about having the anointing to teach.
We had a little prayer group of seven or eight women who met Wednesday afternoons from 2 to 4 at the church. People would turn in requests and they would pray over the requests and pray about the church and the services for a few hours. My wife always met with them, and I usually met with them.
We trained this little group to pray. They became expert prayer warriors. If you didn’t want something, you’d better not turn in a prayer request to them, because they’d get it for you!
I suggested to them that we have a Bible lesson for an hour before our prayer time, but I didn’t invite anybody else to come. It wasn’t an announced meeting.
I started teaching those seven or eight women, and the anointing would come on me. I hadn’t known you could stand in one spot and just teach the Word and get that strongly anointed to teach. I thought you were supposed to be hollering at the top of your voice, waving your arms like a windmill, and “spitting cotton,” as in preaching.
But just standing there with a handful, teaching them the Word, the anointing would come on me so strongly I couldn’t stand it. I’d have to say, “Lord, turn it off—I can’t stand it anymore!”
You talk about getting blessed! It was like getting hold of electric current. That anointing and the Word flowed out to the women. They went home and told their husbands and others. Still we never announced the Wednesday afternoon Bible study. Nobody was invited to come.
But people started coming Wednesday afternoons in spite of the fact that we had regular Wednesday night services, too. The women’s husbands would take off from work to get in on that afternoon service. It wasn’t long until we filled the building. We 59
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had a bigger crowd Wednesday afternoon than we did Wednesday night!
I proved my teaching gift. It worked. I started out by faith and kept going, and the building filled up in the afternoon. That proved the gift, didn’t it?
I began to do more and more teaching as a pastor until the ratio was probably about half teaching and half preaching. Now I seldom get the anointing to preach anymore. Thank God for that teaching anointing! It’s a little different, but it’s still the same Spirit who anoints you for whatever He calls you to do.
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Chapter 8
8 The Anointing To Pastor
The word “pastor” appears only once in The King James Version. That’s amazing, when it’s such an important office and so widespread—more so than any other office.
The sole reference is in Ephesians 4:11: “And he gave some,… pastors ….” However, we can find references to this office elsewhere in Scripture because the Greek word translated “pastor” also is translated “shepherd.”
Something else you need to understand to save you from confusion is the fact that the Greek word episkopos translated “bishop” is also translated “overseer,” for they are the same word. Both words also mean “pastor.”
In his farewell message to the elders, Paul said to the Church at Ephesus, “Take heed therefore unto yourselves, and to all the flock, over the which the Holy Ghost hath made you OVERSEERS, to feed the church of God which he hath purchased with his own blood” (Acts 20:28). These elders were pastors.
Great controversy has come concerning elders. Study Early Church history and you’ll discover that the Greek word translated “elder” simply means “an older person.”
In the beginning days of the Church, they didn’t have all of the ministries listed in the New Testament. The only ministries the Church had in the beginning were the apostles.
Then came the great persecution in Jerusalem, and the early Christians were scattered abroad. They went everywhere preaching Jesus, and every one of them was a preacher.
Acts 8:5 says that “Philip went down to Samaria and preached Christ unto them.” But Philip was not an evangelist 61
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then. The apostles had laid hands on him and he was set into the office of deacon first.
Later, in the 21st chapter of Acts, we read that Luke and Paul and their company went down to Caesarea and were in the house of “Philip the evangelist.” When God began to raise up ministries, He made an evangelist out of Philip.
It takes time to develop ministries. You may get saved—and even baptized in the Holy Spirit—today, and the call of God may be on you to be a pastor, but you can’t start pastoring tomorrow, dear friends. You’re not ready for it. You’ll have to be prepared for it.
So start out to obey God, whether you’re in the ministry or not, and God will promote you and use you in a greater way. If you, like Philip, learn to be faithful wherever you are, God may see fit to move you on. If He does, fine. If He doesn’t, just stay faithful where you are. He’ll not be able to use you if you’re not faithful.
In the Early Church, because there was a lack of ministries, they would appoint an elder (“an older person”) over a particular flock. Out of these elders God developed pastors or overseers.
It is certainly unscriptural to take a layman who has no anointing upon him and put him in the office of an elder or make him overseer of a congregation. He doesn’t have the anointing to do it. He only has an anointing like any other believer.
So we see that the bishop, overseer, or elder is the same office: the pastoral office.
Who has the oversight of the flock? The shepherd does. What does “shepherd” mean? The Greek word translated “shepherd” is translated “pastor.” Who, then, would oversee the flock? The shepherd would. Jesus is called by Peter “the Shepherd and Bishop of your souls” (1 Peter 2:25).
And in First Peter 5:4 we read, “And when the CHIEF SHEPHERD shall appear, ye shall receive a crown of glory that fadeth not away.”
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Jesus is the Great Shepherd, the Chief Shepherd, of all God’s sheep. Jesus has under shepherds. A pastor is an under shepherd. A pastor is a shepherd of God’s sheep.
God calls and equips men to shepherd, or pastor, a flock.
*****
Prophecy
Many would say, “Let’s get back to the Acts of the Apostles. Let’s get back to the Early Church. Let’s do things like they did.”
Yes, saith the Spirit of God, have the same experience they did—walk in the same light they did—but if you walk in the same church government they walked in, you’ll be a baby church and a baby Christian with no spiritual growth.
But you have grown and you have developed. Therefore, rise up and walk in the light of the Word of God for today.
Enjoy the full flow of the Spirit of God, and the anointing of God will rest upon thee; and the anointing of God will flow through thee; and the anointing of God will be UPON MEN as they stand in the place of ministry.
And so shall the entire Church be edified and the work of God shall be wrought.
*****
What I Learned as a Pastor
I don’t know a lot about the anointing of the pastor, even though I pastored about 12 years.
You might say, “Well, you pastored—you ought to know.”
I would have to reply, “That wasn’t my office.”
I did function in that office temporarily as God permitted me to, but I didn’t have the anointing to pastor. It’s a different anointing. It’s the same Spirit, but it’s a different anointing.
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I recognize it on people, and I’m blessed by it, but I don’t have it and never did have it. Thank God for the pastor. Thank God for the pastoral office. It’s a marvelous anointing and blessing of God. It’s amazing how the anointing—the Spirit of God—comes upon a person to stand in the office of pastor.
Some claim to be pastors. If you’re called of God to pastor, the anointing is going to be there to pastor.
There’s more to pastoring than preaching, however. The anointing is not there all the time to preach. If it were, a fellow would preach himself to death. But the anointing will come on you when you come to the pulpit to preach.
Paul wrote to Timothy, a young pastor, “Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth” (2 Tim. 2:15).
I learned a lot during the time God permitted me to pastor. I think every pastor ought to be forced out on the field to evangelize or be in field ministry for at least two years. Then he’d know how to entertain evangelists and special speakers.
On the other hand, I think evangelists ought to be forced into pastoring at least two years. Then they wouldn’t say a lot of things they say sometimes.
After about 10 years of pastoral work, I shut myself up in my church and prayed and fasted for days. I said, “Lord, why am I so dissatisfied? The church is growing. We’ve got all the money we need. We have the best parsonage we’ve ever lived in. We’ve got the best of everything.
“People are getting saved, filled with the Holy Spirit, and healed in our services. From the natural standpoint, we have every reason in the world to be satisfied—but I’m not satisfied. Something is not right.”
I kept seeking God. One day as I was praying around the altar, God said, “The reason is, I never did call you to pastor to begin with. That’s not your calling. That’s not your office.”
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And it’s dangerous—really dangerous—to intrude into another office.
Ministering in the Wrong Office
In Old Testament days, if you intruded into another office, you fell dead instantly. Two fellows intruded into the Holy Place and fell dead instantly, for example.
In these days of grace—thank God for grace—you can get by with it longer, but you can’t get by with it forever. Sooner or later, as the Bible says, if you don’t judge yourself, you’ll have to be judged so you won’t be condemned with the world:
1 CORINTHIANS 11:31,32
31 For if we would judge ourselves, we should not be judged.
32 But when we are judged, we are chastened of the Lord, that we should not be condemned with the world.
Through my 50 years in the ministry, I’ve known mighty men of God—and I mean mighty men—who were anointed by the Holy Spirit to function in such offices as prophet and evangelist, with the working of miracles, gifts of healings, and the gift of special faith manifested through them. Some of them ought to be alive still today, but they’re dead because they tried to function—and had no anointing to function—over in another office.
If they had stayed in their own office, they wouldn’t have died prematurely. You can add to or diminish the anointing. The anointing they had diminished.
One day Gordon Lindsay, founder of Christ for the Nations, and I were discussing one of the outstanding ministers who had died—one who had stood at the forefront of the Healing Revival. We were all in the Voice of Healing organization at one time.
God had told me two years before that this minister was going to die—and he died exactly when the Lord said he would.
Somebody asked me, “Why didn’t you go tell him?”
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The Lord didn’t tell me to tell him. In fact, the witness of my spirit was, “Leave him alone. Don’t say a word to him.” But because Brother Lindsay was closer to the man, the Holy Spirit told him four times to go tell him, “You’re going to die.” Brother Lindsay, too, saw that he wouldn’t listen, so he just kept quiet about it.
He had dealt with the minister earlier on this subject, pleading with him, “Why don’t you function where God wants you and manifest the gift that God’s given you. Stay there. Don’t try to get over here in this other ministry.”
The man would try to teach. He wasn’t a teacher. That wasn’t his calling. He had no unction, no anointing, to teach, and he would create confusion instead of blessing.
He answered Brother Lindsay, “Yeah, but I want to teach.”
Don’t be a teacher just because you want to be one! Have the call and the anointing of God to do it, or else leave it alone. And if the anointing’s there to preach, don’t try to teach. Don’t try to stand in an office unless the anointing and the call are there.
“Yeah, but…” the man said, “I want to.” And the man died. He ought to still be alive. He could have been a great blessing.
I’ve seen marvelous ministries like his ruined and the Church robbed of the blessings she ought to have had because people didn’t minister under their anointing. You can spread yourself so thin in different ministries that you get very little anointing on any of them.
That’s one reason I stay over where the Lord called me, whether I’m preaching or teaching. It doesn’t make any difference what I’m teaching on or where I start out—I wind up preaching on faith and healing. Just as soon as I get on those subjects, I’m gone. I could start preaching on the anti-Christ and wind up preaching on faith and healing.
God may lead you to speak on different subjects at certain times, especially if you’re a pastor. He never called me to pastor, although I did function there for a while, and thank God for it. It 66
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was a learning period, but it still wasn’t my calling.
Back in 1948, somebody came along mightily used of God and anointed to minister healing. A pastor friend told me, “Brother Hagin, you could do that. The same anointing that’s on him is on you.”
I hadn’t thought a thing about such a ministry; I was still pastoring.
My friend said, “When you preach for me and get on the subject of healing or faith, it’s just like a dog on a rabbit’s trail. You just take off!”
That was because God was going to anoint me to do what He had called me to do. If I had persisted in doing something else, like pastoring, the anointing wouldn’t be there and I would have diminished the overall anointing upon my life and ministry.
I preached my farewell sermon at my last pastorate the first Sunday of February 1949.
When the Lord appeared to me in that first vision in 1950 in the Rockwall, Texas, tent meeting, He said, among other things, “When you left your last church, at that time you entered into the first phase of your ministry.”
At that time I had already been in the ministry 15 years (from 1934 to 1949). Twelve years of it had been in pastoral work. The rest had been in evangelistic work. And I’m not an evangelist either—that’s not my calling. (That’s the reason the anointing to preach won’t come on me very often.)
So when the Lord said I had entered into the first phase of my ministry when I left my last church, I argued with Him about it. (Ananias argued with Him, too, over going to pray for Saul of Tarsus.)
I said, “Lord, that can’t be so. You mean I preached 15 years in the ministry and never even got into the first phase of the ministry You have for me?”
He said, “That’s exactly right.”
Then He said something we all need to think about. He said, 67
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“Many ministers live and die and never even get into the first phase of the ministry I have for them. Not always, but many times that’s the reason they die young or in middle life and don’t live their full length of time out.”
If you’re not in God’s best, you can’t claim God’s best. If you’re not in God’s perfect will, you can’t claim His perfect provision. We need to know that and find our place.
Often God will let you serve nearly anywhere during a period of training. But the time will come that you need to get on your knees and find your place.
Here’s where we miss it: Instead of doing this, we think, Well, I’m in the ministry—I’m working for God—and we find our own place. But you can die working for God!
You must ask yourself, “What did He call me to do? What does He want me to do?”
Oh, I never want to do something just because I want to do it. I want to obey God.
Well, the anointing came on me to teach, so I began to teach. I didn’t have any anointing then to stand in the office of the prophet, although I prophesied.
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Chapter 9
9 The Anointing of the Prophet
Jesus had all of the anointings combined to stand in all of the offices.
Paul, writing to Timothy, said concerning his own ministry, “I am appointed a PREACHER, and an APOSTLE, and a TEACHER to the Gentiles” (2 Tim. 1:11). We know from Acts 13 that Paul also stood in the office of prophet.
We know that Paul stood in the office of prophet because he had visions and revelations. A prophet is one who has visions and revelations, among other things. All of the Gospel Paul learned he learned that way.
Some of us, like Paul, stand in more than one office. Often we’ll weave in and out of these offices.
Thank God I had the anointing to preach and then the anointing to teach. I continued to preach and teach. I spoke in tongues and prophesied, but I never stood in the office of prophet until 1952. I know exactly when I entered into the ministry of the prophet.
I don’t have the anointing of the apostle or the pastor—I never have had them—but I recognize those anointings on others.
The anointing of the prophet is the same Holy Spirit, but a different anointing.
It is important to notice that there is a difference between: (1) standing in the office of a prophet, and (2) the simple gift of prophecy.
Every Spirit-filled believer could prophesy and could know something about the anointing to prophesy. The Bible teaches that: “For ye may all prophesy one by one, that all may learn, 69
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and all may be comforted” (1 Cor. 14:31).
The simple gift of prophecy is speaking to men to edification, exhortation, and comfort. A good testimony, inspired by the Holy Spirit, is the simple gift of prophecy. So you see, just prophesying doesn’t make you a prophet! It’s the Spirit within you who anoints you to prophesy, yet there is also an anointing or ministry gift to stand in the office of a prophet.
Thank God for the anointing of the prophet. Oh, I love it! Often, sitting on the platform before I take the service to teach, I suddenly sense that prophetic anointing—the office of the prophet—moving upon me. I recognize what it is.
It’s a different anointing. It’s deeper—much deeper—than the anointing just to prophesy. It’s the same anointing, because it’s the same Spirit, but it’s multiplied about a hundredfold.
I have found that the anointing can be stronger or it can be weaker, as we will see in the story of Elisha and Elijah, the two Old Testament prophets.
If I were controlling things, I’d prophesy in every service, but that may not be what God wants in every service.
The first time I experienced this overwhelming anointing to prophesy was in January 1964 in Phoenix, Arizona. I was there to be one of the speakers at the Full Gospel Business Men’s Convention.
After the closing session, Brother and Sister Darrell Hon, their son Barry, and my wife and I went to a nearby restaurant to get something to eat. Before we ordered, the Spirit of God suddenly came on me. I recognized it as the spirit of prophecy—a better term is “the spirit of the prophet.”
I said to our party, “Let’s go somewhere where we can pray.” We went to our motel room, sat down, and prayed a while. The anointing had broken a little by our getting up and leaving the restaurant, but by praying it returned.
For two hours I sat there and prophesied. I’d never prophesied that long in my life. Brother Hon wrote it down, for 70
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we didn’t have a tape recorder with us. He got most of it.
I’ve never had an experience exactly like this. I’ve had two similar experiences since then, but not with the same measure of anointing.
It seemed as if I were sitting beside myself on the edge of that bed. It seemed as if there were two of me. I was listening with my physical ears to what this fellow sitting beside me said.
It seemed to me that I had nothing whatsoever to do with what he was saying. It seemed as if I were completely taken over by the Spirit of God. Once I began to yield to the Spirit, it was the easiest thing in the world.
For two hours the Lord took us through the years 1964, 1965, 1966, 1967, and 1968: five years. He told us what was going to happen in Vietnam, and He told us what was going to happen with our government.
He also told us that a man who stood in the forefront of the ministry would be taken. I still have the prophecy as Brother Hon took it down.
It reads, “Satan shall destroy his life. His soul shall be saved and his work shall follow him. Ere 1966 shall come, he shall be gone.” It happened. It wasn’t God’s full plan or full purpose for him, but nonetheless it happened.
I experienced a similar overwhelming anointing on April 30, 1980, while teaching at our Prayer and Healing School on the RHEMA campus in Tulsa, Oklahoma. (It happens to me sometimes in preaching, but more often in teaching.)
Let me show you something about the prophet’s ministry. I don’t operate there all the time, but neither did Elijah and Elisha.
Suddenly while teaching the Word (I’m a teacher so I can operate in that office all the time), I moved over into this other area. Right in front of me, with my eyes wide open, I had what I call a “mini-vision.”
As if it had literally happened, I saw a young woman standing in the aisle. I saw myself point to her and say, “Be 71
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healed in the Name of Jesus!” I saw her go over backwards.
I saw men standing in both aisles, so I stopped and acted that out, too. (I frequently act out these mini-visions.) I said to them, “Stand in the aisle. Be healed in the Name of Jesus!”
That’s the only time I’ve ever done that. I don’t know if I’ll ever do it again or not, but I will if the Lord says to. In fact, He didn’t say to then; I just saw it in the mini-vision. Both men went over backwards. I simply acted out that mini-vision—or so I thought.
When you have faith to move into the realm of the Spirit and obey Him, He’ll take you on. If He showed you everything before you moved, you would not be walking by faith, you’d be walking by sight, and that would not please Him. So you’ll never know everything.
But if you’ll have the faith to step out when the Spirit moves, He’ll move you and you’ll minister in the depth of the Spirit that you’ve never ministered in before; and the anointing of God shall not only come upon you and rest, but the anointing of God will be made manifest through you.
I remembered that first part of the mini-vision and would tell it. I don’t mean I was unconscious of what happened next, but you can get off in the realm of the Spirit until you’re so conscious of spiritual things that you don’t even realize natural things.
(Now, you can fall into a trance, but I didn’t fall into a trance on that occasion. I’ve fallen into a trance several times and have had visions. When you fall into a trance, your physical senses are suspended. You don’t know where you are at the moment.)
Our staff asked me, “Brother Hagin, why don’t you ever tell all of that story?”
I said, “Is there more to tell?”
“Yes,” they said. “You leave that woman lying back there in the aisle.”
“Well, wasn’t that the end of it?”
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“No,” they said. “That’s part of it, but it didn’t end there.”
I asked them to tell me what happened, for I had no knowledge of the rest of the story.
They said, “After you acted that part out, you called the woman up to the front, and we never saw you act that way before.
“You jumped off the platform and grabbed the woman like a cat grabbing a mouse. You laid one hand on her stomach and one hand on her back, shook her, cast three devils out of her—fear, death, and disease—and commanded her to be healed. She fell to the floor the second time and lay there until 6 p.m.”
When she went back to the doctor, he couldn’t find a trace of cancer. It had all disappeared. The woman was completely healed of cancer. Her testimony appeared in the December 1981 issue of our magazine, The Word of Faith. The woman and her husband later moved to Tulsa and attended RHEMA Bible Training Center in preparation for the ministry.
After my staff told me what happened, I had only the faintest recollection of it—it was like a dream to me. It seemed as if I had been taken over by the Spirit of God. (You have to be willing to be used and you have to yield to Him.)
I’ve also been preaching when the anointing to stand in the office of prophet suddenly came on me (it already was on me to preach). I don’t control this anointing—God does.
Once while preaching I suddenly was standing on a street corner miles away. I could hear the sound of my voice continuing to preach, but I don’t know to this day a single word of what I said, because I was standing on that street corner.
I saw a mini-vision of a woman from my congregation walking down the street. I saw a man pull up to the curb in his automobile and sound the horn. The woman got in the car and they drove out in the country. I was sitting in the back seat. They committed adultery.
Suddenly I was conscious of being behind the pulpit again. I 73
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saw that woman sitting before me in the congregation. Now, God didn’t show that incident to me to reveal it in front of everybody. In fact, I never said a word to anybody. He showed it to me in order to restore her—to get her back in fellowship with God.
Again, while preaching down in Alabama, the anointing suddenly came on me and I saw a mini-vision of two women having a fight. Down the street and about a block away I saw a church. Across the top I saw the name of it.
The two women tore each other’s clothes off. One finally got loose and ran away. The other went down to a little white frame house that stood beside the church.
I was standing out in the yard with her, and I could see the outline of a man standing in the doorway. He hooked the screen door when he saw her.
She cursed him because he wouldn’t agree that she was right in beating up that other woman. She threatened to come through the screen and whip him, too. He was ready to shut the door when she finally left.
And then I was back in the service, and there she stood in front of me in the prayer line, wanting to be baptized with the Holy Spirit.
I said, “You’re not going to get baptized with the Holy Spirit until you get things straightened up.” I talked to her about what I had seen.
The Full Gospel pastor of that church didn’t understand that kind of a move of the Spirit. You see, many churches believe in the gifts of the Spirit on paper, but not in action.
When I told him what I had seen in the Spirit, he admitted he was the man who was standing in the doorway. The fight I had seen had actually happened.
Now I’ll share with you another way the Holy Spirit moves with me sometimes, but not often. I “see” myself go down the aisles and lay hands on some of the people.
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As I act this out and walk by people, it’s just like a magnet draws me to them. When it does, I stop and minister to them. Thank God for the anointing!
I read where Smith Wigglesworth said, “I’d rather have the Holy Ghost on me 10 minutes than to own the world with a fence around it.” He was speaking about the anointing to minister.
As the Spirit Wills
I want you to notice something about the anointing of the prophet. Sometimes people think that if you’re in a certain office, such as the office of the prophet, you stand in it all the time.
These people miss it because they fail to read what the Bible says, and they try to perform when the anointing’s not there. They get in the flesh, prophesy, and do an injustice to the work of God. Or they seem to think that because you stand in the office of the prophet, you go around handing out revelations all the time.
I know one man, bless his heart, who has the anointing of God upon him, because supernatural things happen through his ministry—there’s no doubt about it—but because he thinks he’s called to the office of the prophet, he thinks he has to function in it all the time!
I remember the first time I met him. Within 30 minutes he must have given me 12 “words” from the Lord, and not one of them was correct. They didn’t amount to the proverbial hill of beans.
I stand sometimes in the office of prophet, and some people think I stand in it all the time. They’ll even lie to try to get through to me.
We were speaking out of town once and were awakened at 4 o’clock in the morning. We were told we had an emergency long distance call. We thought one of our relatives had died or something.
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Instead there was some woman on the other end of the line (sometimes it’s a man). This one said, “Brother Hagin, I hated to do that, but it’s the only way I could get through to you.” (That’s flat out lying.)
“You know,” she continued, “I was praying and I thought I’d see if I could get hold of you. I thought maybe you’d have a word for me.”
I wanted to say, “I have!” but I didn’t have enough nerve to give it to her.
People think you can just turn it off and on as you want, but it is as the Spirit wills. Yes, the anointing is there potentially, but it’s not in manifestation constantly! As you prepare, study, and yield to the Spirit of God, the anointing will be there to function in that office, but you don’t stand in your office all the time.
Stop and think about that. If your office is the office of a teacher, and you functioned in that office all the time, you’d be teaching 24 hours a day, and you’d never stop until you died!
You really couldn’t bear to stand in the office of a prophet 24 hours a day, even though the call might be there and the potential anointing might be there. The human body cannot contain that degree of spiritual power over a long period of time, as we will see in Chapter 14.
Jesus called Himself a prophet in the fourth chapter of Luke’s Gospel, and He used an illustration that His Jewish audience knew well from the Old Covenant: the story of the Prophet Elijah, who was sent to the widow’s house in Sarepta during a famine.
There the working of miracles was manifested through Elijah: The oil cruse kept giving out oil, and the meal barrel kept giving out meal (1 Kings 17:16). But Elijah couldn’t go into anybody else’s house in Israel and do that unless the Lord told him to.
Next Jesus related that there were many lepers in Israel in the time of Elisha (Luke 4:27), but none of them was healed, 76
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even though Elisha had a reputation of having a healing ministry.
We know that because of what the little Israeli maid said when she found out that her master, Naaman, had leprosy: “Would God my lord were with the prophet that is in Samaria! for he would recover him of his leprosy” (2 Kings 5:3).
Not one leper in Israel was healed, only Naaman from Syria—yet Elisha was standing in the office of the prophet!
Remember, we don’t control the anointing. We must learn to flow with the Spirit. We must learn to minister under the anointing. I love that anointing!
Elijah was anointed by the Holy Spirit to stand in the office of prophet, but Elisha had twice the measure of that anointing—a double portion—to stand in that office. Therefore, we can see that one could be more anointed than others in the same office.
Music Enhances the Anointing
We need to understand the role music plays in affecting the prophet’s ministry. The third chapter of Second Kings gives us an example from the ministry of the Prophet Elisha.
In Old Testament times, only the prophet, priest, and king were anointed by the Spirit to stand in those three offices. Otherwise, people didn’t have the anointing of the Spirit of God on them unless God especially called them.
Therefore, if they needed to inquire of the Lord concerning some matter, they had to inquire through the prophet. (The prophet’s ministry is different during this present dispensation.)
An enemy had come against the nation of Israel, which was divided at the time. Jehoshaphat, king of Judah, was conferring with two other kings—Jehoram, king of Israel, and the king of Edom, both of whom had forsaken God and were backslid.
Jehoshaphat asked, “7s there not here a prophet of the Lord, that we may enquire of the Lord by him?” (v. 11). One of the servants of the king of Israel mentioned Elisha, so the three 77
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kings went to him.
2 KINGS 3:13,14
13 And Elisha said unto the king of Israel, What have I to do with thee? get thee to the prophets of thy father, and to the prophets of thy mother [because they had forsaken God]. And the king of Israel said unto him, Nay: for the Lord hath called these three kings together, to deliver them into the hand of Moab.
14 And Elisha said, As the Lord of hosts liveth, before whom I stand, surely, were it not that I regard the presence of Jehoshaphat the king of Judah, I would not look toward thee, nor see thee.
The Prophet Elisha regarded the presence of Jehoshaphat because God regarded the presence of Jehoshaphat. God will do a lot of things for his own people. Jehoshaphat wanted Elisha to prophesy regarding the outcome of the impending battle.
Elisha called for a minstrel, and his anointing was enhanced.
2 KINGS 3:15,16
15 But now bring me a minstrel. And it came to pass, WHEN THE MINSTREL PLAYED, THAT THE HAND OF THE LORD CAME UPON HIM.
16 And he said, Thus saith the Lord….
Elisha went on to give the message of victory God gave him. “The hand of the Lord came upon him.” Did you notice that? The “hand of the Lord” is the Holy Spirit, or we could say “the hand of the Lord” is the anointing.
Notice that Elisha couldn’t start prophesying any time he wanted to, so he said, “Bring me a minstrel.” And the hand of the Lord came upon him when the minstrel played.
Music comes under the ministry of helps listed in First Corinthians 12:28. The ministry of music is one of the greatest helps there is. Thank God for the ministry of music.
The Bible has much to say about music in connection with worship. We know that music helps us worship God. If you play the right kind of music in your home when you’re praying or studying the Bible, what a difference it makes. When David would sing and play his harp, the evil spirit that troubled King 78
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Saul would depart.
Music affects all of the ministries; it has something to do with the anointing in all of the offices. Music can help all ministers—not just the prophet—because all ministers should minister under the anointing of the Holy Spirit.
The right kind of music and singing even will help the teacher teach better. However, it seems to me that music has more to do with the prophet’s office than the others, because the prophet must be so sensitive to the Spirit.
We saw that as the minstrel played, “the hand of the Lord,” or the anointing, came upon the Prophet Elisha and he began to prophesy.
Sometimes the anointing to stand in the office of prophet is so strong I don’t need anything—I can step right into it. At other times, like Elisha, I need a little help.
Sometimes I’ll have the singers and musicians sing and play. If they sing the wrong song, however, they’ll kill the anointing (and the service). The words, tune, and rhythm may be right, but the song still may be out of place.
When this happens, the Spirit of God lifts from me—it goes as if it were a bird that flew away. No, the Holy Spirit doesn’t stop indwelling me as a believer, but that anointing to minister lifts.
Music will affect the anointing. We are missing it in the area of the minstrel. Many times musicians don’t realize their responsibility. They stand in the office of helps. They need to pray and get the anointing on them just as much as the preacher does. They need to develop a sensitivity to the Holy Spirit and learn how to flow with the Spirit.
Singers shouldn’t get up and sing just to be singing. They need to be anointed. Even the choir should be anointed. But people don’t stop to pray before ministering in song. They come into the church from everyday life, laughing and talking. That’s all right in itself, because we need fellowship—but, really, that’s carnal; it isn’t spiritual. Before singers minister, they need to 79
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take time to get alone with God or take time to pray together to get the anointing on them.
I have found that when musicians really flow with the Spirit, it will cause the anointing to come on me stronger to stand in the office of the prophet.
I know what the Scripture means when it said the minstrel played and the hand of the Lord moved. There have been times when I have gotten the right kind of music, and I have moved over into the prophet’s office and have ministered for as long as three hours. Prophecy just flowed out of me. I can’t minister that way every time—even though I do minister in a certain measure of anointing—for there are measures of anointing.
The Right Song
In 1958, I was the main speaker at a convention being held in Kansas by the Foursquare denomination. One night the spirit of the prophet moved upon me. I can’t bring it on myself, but I can yield to it when it comes, and music helps.
They had an orchestra there made up of people who had come from different churches. I said to them, “The anointing of the prophet is coming on me! Play something.” They began to play “Preach the Word,” a song written by Aimee Semple McPherson.
The anointing came on me and I ministered under it from 9 o’clock until midnight—three hours. Oh, what a service! I got caught up in the glory. Half the time I couldn’t see. It was as if there were a hazy cloud over the whole room. I don’t know to this day what I did or said. I just remember when the anointing came and when it lifted.
If they had played the wrong song, they would have killed the whole thing.
You see, it’s necessary that singers and musicians be in tune with the Spirit of God as much as the minister is. If they’re not, everybody would be better off if there were no musicians participating in the service! (That’s the reason I don’t want any 80
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kind of singing sometimes.)
Other things affect the anointing as well. Often the spirit of the prophet will begin to move on me and something kills it. I think it’s because of the environment, or maybe because of certain people present.
After all, Elisha said, “If it weren’t for Jehoshaphat, I wouldn’t look your way, as far as you other two kings are concerned.” And because they were present in their backslidden condition, Elisha needed a little help.
“Bring me a minstrel…,” he said.
The Hand of the Lord
Again and again in the Old Testament we see references to “the hand of the Lord.” Actually it is the Spirit of God—the anointing. Other terms commonly used are “Spirit,” “double portion of thy Spirit,” and “mantle.” They’re all referring to the Holy Spirit or the anointing of God.
EZEKIEL 8:1
1 And it came to pass in the sixth year, in the sixth month, in the fifth day of the month, as I sat in mine house, and the elders of Judah sat before me, that THE HAND OF THE LORD FELL there upon me.
The call of God already was upon Ezekiel—the hand of God was upon him to minister potentially—but his prophetic ministry wasn’t in manifestation until the hand of the Lord fell upon him.
(The Bible also speaks about the Holy Spirit “falling,” doesn’t it? In Acts 10:44, Peter was preaching in Cornelius’ household, and “While Peter yet spake these words, THE HOLY GHOST FELL on all them which heard the word.”) We see the expression “hand of the Lord” used again in the 37th and 40th chapters of Ezekiel:
EZEKIEL 37:1
1 THE HAND OF THE LORD was upon me, and carried me out in the spirit of the Lord, and set me down in the midst of the valley which was full of bones…. [Ezekiel had a vision of what we call the valley of dry bones.]
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EZEKIEL 40:1,2
1 In the five and twentieth year of our captivity, in the beginning of the year, in the tenth day of the month, in the fourteenth year after that the city was smitten, in the selfsame day THE HAND OF THE LORD was upon me, and brought me thither.
2 In the visions of God brought he me into the land of Israel….
Ezekiel sounds a lot like me, doesn’t he, giving all those dates and times (or I sound a lot like him). People ask me how I remember all the dates and times I refer to in my preaching and teaching.
I’ll tell you exactly how it happens. When I mention something that happened in the past, the date or time rises up out of my spirit—out of the inside of me—to my mind, and I know immediately. I’m just following Ezekiel the prophet in giving dates and times! That ability goes along with the prophet’s ministry.
In the 33rd chapter of Ezekiel we find something else very interesting:
EZEKIEL 33:22
22 Now THE HAND OF THE LORD was upon me in the evening, afore [before] he that was escaped came: and had opened my mouth, until he came to me in the morning; and my mouth was opened, and I was no more dumb.
That means that the hand of the Lord wasn’t upon the prophet in the morning or at midday. The hand of the Lord was upon him the evening before someone escaped and came to see him. The prophet went around all night with his mouth open, never saying a word. He was mute (speechless) until that fellow came. Only then could he speak.
Signs and Wonders
Sister Maria Woodworth-Etter was an early-day Pentecostal preacher whose books I have read. I have some of her earlier ones. (Only Signs and Wonders is now in print.)
Years ago, Sister Etter was preaching in a tent meeting in St. Louis, Missouri, and the hand of the Lord came upon her. She 82
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had her hand up and her mouth open, about to say something, when the hand of the Lord fell. She stood there three days and nights, neither moving nor uttering a word.
The St. Louis newspapers reported that an estimated 20,000 people filed by to see her. When the anointing of the Spirit of God lifted from her, her hand went down, her mouth moved, and she picked up right in the middle of the sentence she had been preaching three nights before. (All of her physical senses and functions had been suspended for those three days and nights.)
God used that as a sign.
Did you ever wonder about the verse in Acts that says, “And fear came upon every soul: and many wonders and signs were done by the apostles” (Acts 2:43)?
I’ve read many periodicals from Pentecostal people. Some of those early-day ministers had experiences similar to Ezekiel’s and Sister Etter’s. One fellow told of standing under the power with his mouth open for one day, and others told of being like that all night long.
You might ask, “Why does God do things like that? Why did the hand of the Lord come upon Ezekiel and open his mouth in the evening?” We don’t tell God what to do. That’s where we miss it.
John the Baptist’s father, Zacharias, who was a priest, didn’t believe the angel Gabriel’s message that a son was to be born to him and his wife. He became speechless and remained speechless until John was born (Luke 1). Zacharias wasn’t mute from sickness or disease; it was because the hand of the Lord was upon him.
Another example is the “blindness” of Elymas, the sorcerer who withstood Paul on one of his missionary journeys. Paul said, “And now, behold, the hand of the Lord is upon thee, and thou shalt be blind, not seeing the sun for a season” (Acts 13:11).
Elymas wasn’t struck with disease, for the Spirit of God never has struck anybody with disease. He doesn’t have any! 83
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Elymas was blind because of the power of God that had come on him.
I’ve seen things like that happen under my own ministry, and I’m thoroughly convinced that as we learn how to cooperate better with the Spirit of God, there will be even greater manifestations of these things in the last days.
Struck Speechless by the Spirit
Sometimes when I’m preaching, the Spirit of God comes on me, arrests my attention, and I can’t say a word in English. I can speak in tongues, but I can’t speak in English (I’ve tried to.) I can think in English, but I can’t say a single word in English—I just absolutely can’t. I’ve been that way sometimes for several hours.
It happened in a great way at our 1981 Campmeeting. I simply couldn’t speak in English. The longest time was at Fred Price’s church in Inglewood, California, the following month, August 1981.
I had finished my sermon and was laying hands on the sick when suddenly that anointing came on me, and I could not say one word in English.
I turned around and said in tongues to Fred (for I could speak in tongues, but not in English), “You go ahead and lay hands on the people and finish the healing line.”
Fred understood me as if I had spoken to him in English. He said to me in tongues—and I heard it as if he were speaking in English, although everybody else heard it in tongues—”All right, you lay your finger in my hands that I may minister with the same anointing, and I will pray for them.” I did so, he began to minister, and it seemed as if there were a stronger surge of power than before. I stood there and watched the whole thing, but still couldn’t speak in English.
After the service, we went to Fred’s home to fellowship and eat. I would start to say something, and I’d say it in tongues. When we were ready to eat, I still couldn’t talk to Fred and his family. I began wondering if I’d ever get back to where I could 84
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communicate in English again.
When I first came back over into English at Fred Price’s home an hour and a half later, I could only speak a word or two. I still couldn’t even put sentences together.
Many times when I’m preaching or teaching and the anointing is stronger, a tiny manifestation of this occurs. It’s not a matter of what I want to do—I cannot speak in English. I can think in English, but I speak in tongues. That comes out of your spirit.
As a teenager, I had been paralyzed and bedfast. My tongue became paralyzed and my throat partially paralyzed. Only the people who spent time around me could understand me. When the Holy Spirit is on me so strongly, it’s almost that same feeling, except it’s not a matter of paralysis.
What is the purpose of becoming speechless? Well, what purpose was there for the Holy Spirit’s coming upon Ezekiel in the evening, opening his mouth, and making him remain that way all night until the man came in the morning? The Bible doesn’t tell us what the purpose was.
Personally, I think such things often are a sign, and often they prepare you for something.
I think there are aspects of the anointing we are going to come into in the days ahead that we haven’t experienced yet. By this I mean the use of the anointing, the purpose of the anointing, the utilization of the anointing, ministering under the anointing, and transferring or transmitting the anointing—on the one hand to do good and bring blessing, and on the other hand to bring judgment on those like Elymas who would stand in the way and hinder the Gospel.
The Ministry of the Seer
The prophet is sometimes called a “seer” in Scripture. Seers see and know things. I used to operate in this more when I stayed in people’s homes as we traveled.
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God’s warning me about any impending tragedy. If there were going to be a death in the family within the next two years, He’d tell me. Sometimes you can change it and sometimes you can’t; He just gets you ready for it.
Years ago I was preaching for friends in California, and on the last night of the meeting, they got some distressing news. Their 16-year-old granddaughter, who had been visiting her other grandparents in Oregon, got on a bus in Portland but wasn’t on the bus when it arrived in Los Angeles.
Finally the bus company traced her to Reno, Nevada, but there they lost track of her. Her grandmother burst into tears and was inconsolable. She was sure she would never see this granddaughter again. It was heart-rending.
My wife and I were trying to comfort her. I was sitting in a chair within three feet of her. With my eyes wide open, suddenly I saw myself standing in front of the bus station in Reno. I’ve never been there, but I know exactly what it looks like. I saw it.
I was standing behind a bus. I saw another bus pull up. It said “Los Angeles” on the front of it. I saw people getting off, including this blond girl. I saw the other passengers come back, but the girl got on the bus in front of her bus.
I said, “Sister, Sister, Sister—she got on the wrong bus!”
She asked, “Are you sure?”
I said, “Yes, I saw her. She got on the wrong bus.”
She asked again, “Are you sure?”
I said, “I’d stake my life on it before I’d say it isn’t so. I’d stake 25 years of ministry on it.”
Sure enough, by the time the service was over, a representative of the bus company called and said, “We located your granddaughter in Salt Lake City. She got on the wrong bus. She’ll be back in here at 4 o’clock in the morning.”
Thank God, the Spirit of God knows.
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grandmother smile through her tears, that was enough.
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Chapter 10
10 The Anointing of the Apostle
The most significant statement in the Bible regarding this office is that it was filled by Christ Himself, as we saw in Chapter 1.
The Greek word apostolos, translated “apostle,” means “one sent forth, a sent one.” Jesus Christ is the greatest example of a sent one:
JOHN 20:21
21 Then said Jesus to them again, Peace be unto you: AS MY FATHER HATH SENT ME, even so send I you.
A true apostle is always one with a commission—not one who merely goes, but one who is sent. A Bible example is found in Acts 13, where Barnabas and Paul were sent forth to be apostles to the Gentiles.
The Bible also speaks of the signs of an apostle:
2 CORINTHIANS 12:12
12 Truly the signs of an APOSTLE were wrought among you in all patience, in signs, and wonders, and mighty deeds.
The “signs,” then, are signs, wonders, and mighty deeds.
To stand in this office, one must have a personal experience with the Lord—something very deep and real, something beyond the ordinary—not just something secondhand or handed down by tradition.
Notice that Paul said, in defending his apostleship, “Am I not an apostle? am I not free? HAVE I NOT SEEN JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD?… ” (1 Cor. 9:1).
Paul did not see Jesus in the flesh as the twelve did, but he saw Jesus in a spiritual vision (Acts 9:3-6). He had a deep spiritual experience with the Lord. Even his conversion was 89
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beyond the ordinary.
In fact, Paul had such a deep spiritual experience with the Lord that he could say concerning what he knew about the Lord’s Supper, “For I have received of the Lord that which also I delivered unto you …. ” (1 Cor. 11:23). Paul didn’t learn what he knew about this subject from the other apostles. He got it by revelation. Jesus gave it to him.
Paul wasn’t taught the Gospel he preached by man. The Spirit of God taught it to him. He wrote, “But I certify you, brethren, that the gospel which was preached of me is not after man. For I neither received it of man, neither was I taught it, but by the revelation of Jesus Christ” (Gal. 1:11,12).
The work of an apostle is that of a foundation layer:
1 CORINTHIANS 3:10
10 According to the grace of God which is given unto me, as a wise masterbuilder, I HAVE LAID THE FOUNDATION, and another buildeth thereon. But let every man take heed how he buildeth thereupon.
EPHESIANS 2:20
20 And are built upon THE FOUNDATION OF THE APOSTLES and prophets, Jesus Christ himself being the chief corner stone.
The first twelve apostles laid the foundation of the Church as the earliest pioneers and preachers of the Gospel. They also laid the foundation of the Church by receiving the Holy Spirit.
An apostle’s ministry seems to embrace all other ministry gifts. The distinguishing result is the ability to establish churches.
The apostle has the supernatural equipment called “governments” listed in First Corinthians 12:28. (Weymouth translates it “powers of organization.”)
After churches are established, apostles can exercise authority over those churches they have established (1 Cor. 9:1,2).
There are many who call themselves apostles who want to 90
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dominate and rule people. They say, “I’m an apostle. I have authority. You have to do what I say.”
In New Testament days, the apostles could exercise authority only over the churches they had established themselves. Paul, for example, never exercised any authority over the church at Jerusalem, or any of the churches other apostles had established.
Remember, these offices are in power and not in name. If the power is not there to establish churches, then those involved are not apostles.
A missionary who is really called of God and sent by the Holy Spirit is an apostle.
In Acts 13:2, the Holy Spirit said, “Separate me Barnabas and Saul [Paul] for the work whereunto I have called them.” Verse 4 continues, “So they, being SENT FORTH by the Holy Ghost, departed….” They were “sent ones.” They left on their first missionary journey to the Gentiles.
The New Testament never mentions missionaries, yet that is an important office. It is here in the office of apostle.
A missionary will have the ability of all the ministry gifts:
He will do the work of the evangelist. He will get people saved. He will do the work of the teacher. He will teach and establish people. He will do the work of the pastor. He will pastor and shepherd people for a while.
In studying closely the life of the Apostle Paul, we note that he said he never built on a foundation someone else had laid. He endeavored to preach the Gospel where Christ was not named (Rom. 15:20), and he always stayed in a place from six months to three years.
His real calling was not to be a pastor, but he stayed long enough to get his converts established in the truth before moving on.
Some wonder if there are apostles today. No one, not even Paul, could be an apostle in the sense the original twelve were. 91
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There are only “twelve apostles of the Lamb” (Rev. 21:14).
Their qualifications were outlined in Acts 1, when the twelve selected an apostle to take Judas’ place. We see from verses 21 and 22 that to be one of the twelve apostles of the Lamb, one had to have accompanied the apostles and Jesus during the entire time of His 3 1/2-year ministry (Paul was not with them).
Also, the original twelve were “sent ones” to be eyewitnesses of the ministry, works, life, death, burial, resurrection, and ascension of the Lord Jesus Christ. They stood in a place no other apostles or ministries can ever stand.
There are, however, apostles today in the sense that Barnabas, Paul, and others were apostles.
We have seen listed in Ephesians 4:11, “And he gave some, APOSTLES….” If God has taken this or any other ministry out of this list, then the Bible should have told us that He gave them for just a little while.
All of the ministry gifts were given for the perfecting of the saints, the work of the ministry, and the edifying of the Body of Christ. This includes apostles. Thank God, the office of the apostle exists today!
For how long did God give the ministry gifts? According to verse 13, all of them were given “Till we all come in the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God unto a perfect man, unto the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ.”
In summary, the four marks we look for in an apostle today are:
1.Outstanding spiritual gifts.
2.Deep personal experience.
3.Power and ability to establish churches.
4.Ability to provide adequate spiritual leadership.
If you think God called you to be an apostle, don’t bother 92
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about it. You won’t start out there anyway. Paul didn’t. Acts 13:1 says, “Now there were in the church that was at Antioch certain PROPHETS AND TEACHERS; as Barnabas, and Simeon… and Lucius … and Manaen … and Saul.”
Each of these men was either a prophet or a teacher, or a prophet and a teacher. Some may operate in more than one office—but a person doesn’t operate in those offices as he wills. It is as God wills and as He anoints.
Barnabas was a teacher. Saul (Paul) was a prophet and a teacher, for a prophet is one who has visions and revelations, and Paul received the entire Gospel that way. He would have been called a “seer” in the Old Testament, because he would see and know things supernaturally.
As we have seen, in Acts 13:2 the Holy Spirit said, “Separate me Barnabas and Saul for the work whereunto I have called them.” They had not yet gotten into the work that God called them to do. They fasted and prayed again, and the other ministers laid hands on them and sent them out, and they became apostles or missionaries to the Gentiles.
Barnabas was considered an apostle as much as Paul was: “Which when the APOSTLES, Barnabas and Paul….” (Acts 14:14).
In the city of Lystra, during this first missionary voyage, Paul ministered healing to a man who had been crippled from birth (Acts 14:8), and the people of the city wanted to worship Paul and Barnabas as gods, saying, “The gods are come down to us in the likeness of men” (v. 11). Paul and Barnabas had moved into another office, that of apostle, and a stronger anointing had come, because it takes a stronger anointing to stand in that office.
Don’t get taken up with names and titles. If I didn’t know what God called me to, I wouldn’t bother a minute about it. If I sensed the call on the inside of me, I would just preach and teach and let God eventually set me in the office He has for me.
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apostle to begin with, but God eventually did set them there.
Also remember this: God rewards faithfulness. He doesn’t reward offices. A prophet won’t receive any more reward than a janitor who was faithful in his ministry of helps.
Higher offices do not receive greater rewards; there is just a greater responsibility.
(For an in-depth study of the fivefold ministries and the other ministry gifts, read my study guide, The Ministry Gifts.)
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Chapter 11
11 How To Increase the Anointing
There is an anointing on you, whether you recognize it or not, if you’re called to any office or ministry.
And no matter which office you stand in, or what you are called to do, you can have something to do with determining the degree of your anointing. You can prepare yourself for this anointing. If it doesn’t come on you, it’s because you didn’t prepare yourself.
Furthermore, the anointing can be increased. You can increase the anointing by studying the Word and by being prayerful.
You can decrease the anointing by neglecting to study and pray.
A workman who doesn’t study (2 Tim. 2:15) is going to be ashamed, because people are going to find out about it, and he’ll either lose the anointing, or the anointing will not be in manifestation. If you do your part, however, this will not happen.
If you’ll study and pray, when you get up and start out in faith, the anointing will come. When I used to preach under that preaching anointing, most of the time I’d have to start out in faith—I didn’t particularly feel anything—but that anointing never failed to come on me to preach. (And sometimes it will linger on and you will enjoy it, praise God.)
You have to realize that one standing in the office of the prophet, the pastor, the evangelist, or whatever can be more or less anointed.
I think it’s quite obvious as you listen to different ministers that sometimes they are more anointed than at other times. 95
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Sometimes teachers are more anointed to teach than they are at other times. Sometimes the prophet is more anointed than he is at other times. There are areas and degrees of anointings.
In Old Testament times, the Holy Spirit came upon three types of people—the prophet, the priest, and the king—to enable them to function in their respective offices. But the Holy Spirit wasn’t in any of them during that dispensation as He is in ours.
Did you know that David was anointed to be king of Israel, but he also was a prophet? The anointing of the prophet was upon him.
Remember those two prophets in the Old Testament, Elijah and his successor, Elisha? Elisha asked for—and received—a “double portion” of Elijah’s anointing. That doesn’t mean there are two Holy Spirits—there is just one.
What Elisha called a “double portion” we could term a “double measure” of the anointing to stand in the same office. Such a measure of anointing would not be available to someone not called to that office. They wouldn’t need it. (For example, if you’re called to be a pastor, you don’t need the prophet’s anointing. Elisha was called to the office of prophet, however.)
How To Get a Mantle
When I was among the Baptists, we didn’t hear much about the mantle falling on anybody. I don’t think the mantle was on many of us. But when I got over in Full Gospel circles, I heard quite a bit about it, because they know so much more about the anointing.
I can tell preachers how to get the mantle of any ministry they want, because you can see the answers right here in the story of Elijah and Elisha.
1 KINGS 19:19
19 So he departed thence, and found Elisha the son of Shaphat, who was plowing with twelve yoke of oxen before him, and he with the twelfth: and Elijah passed by him, and CAST HIS MANTLE UPON HIM.
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This mantle actually was a symbol of that particular office. It stood for the anointing of the Holy Spirit. It showed that the Holy Spirit was coming upon Elisha, but it wasn’t the actual anointing itself. It is a symbol of the Holy Spirit and the power of God.
The mantle will envelop an individual and he or she will minister under the anointing that goes with whatever their office or calling of God is.
The word “mantle” means a cloak. Sometimes in ministry, when the anointing comes on me, it seems like a cloak is coming down over me. It feels like I might be wearing an overcoat—yet I’m really not. But the power of God—the anointing—so envelops me that I’ll feel that way.
1 KINGS 19:20
20 And he [Elisha] left the oxen, and ran after Elijah, and said, Let me, I pray thee, kiss my father and my mother, and then I will follow thee. And he said unto him, Go back again: for what have I done to thee?
Elijah was saying, “Just go on back and forget it.” In other words, “If you’re going to put other things first, no matter how legitimate they may be, you’re not going to enjoy the fullness of God’s anointing.”
Elisha didn’t go back and kiss his parents goodbye. He took a yoke of oxen, killed and cooked them, and fed them to the people. “Then he arose, and went after Elijah, and ministered unto him,” verse 21 says.
2 KINGS 2:1,2
1 And it came to pass, when the Lord would take up Elijah into heaven by a whirlwind, that Elijah went with Elisha from Gilgal.
2 And Elijah said unto Elisha, Tarry here, I pray thee; for the Lord hath sent me to Bethel. And Elisha said unto him, As the Lord liveth, and as thy soul liveth, I will not leave thee. So they went down to Bethel.
Notice how closely Elisha followed Elijah. Elijah even tried to convince him to wait behind. I think the Lord tries people sometimes purposely. Through Elijah, He tried Elisha. He 97
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wanted to be sure that Elisha was made of the right stuff before this anointing came on him. Elisha replied, “As the Lord liveth… I will not leave thee.”
Finally Elisha arrived at the place where he could get what he wanted. Elijah said, “Ask what I shall do for thee, before I be taken away from thee.” And Elisha responded, “I pray thee, let A DOUBLE PORTION OF THY SPIRIT BE UPON ME” (v. 9).
What he meant was he wanted a double portion of that anointing of God to stand in the office of prophet. God anoints men and women to stand in certain offices. And some can be more anointed than others.
Elijah said, “Thou hast asked a hard thing: nevertheless, if thou see me when I am taken from thee, it shall be so unto thee….” (v. 10).
2 KINGS 2:11-13
11 And it came to pass, as they still went on, and talked, that, behold, there appeared a chariot of fire, and horses of fire, and parted them both asunder; and Elijah went up by a whirlwind into heaven.
12 And Elisha saw it, and he cried, My father, my father, the chariot of Israel, and the horsemen thereof. And he saw him [Elijah] no more: and he took hold of his own clothes, and rent them in two pieces.
13 He took up also the mantle of Elijah that fell from him, and went back, and stood by the bank of Jordan.
Elisha stayed right with Elijah and was with him when he was taken. Notice that before Elisha took up Elijah’s mantle, he took off his own clothes and tore them in half. Then he picked up that mantle and put it on, for that mantle covered a person’s whole being.
Reading on through the Old Testament, you’ll find that usually the mantle they wore was really the skin of an animal. Over in the New Testament it speaks about John the Baptist and his dress. It says that John the Baptist was hairy. That doesn’t mean he was physically so; it means he wore one of these coats of skin.
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The story continues in the next two verses:
2 KINGS 2:14,15
14 And he took the mantle of Elijah that fell from him, and smote the waters, and said, Where is the Lord God of Elijah? and when he also had smitten the waters, they parted hither and thither: and Elisha went over.
15 And when the sons of the prophets which were to view at Jericho saw him, they said, The spirit of Elijah doth rest on Elisha. And they came to meet him, and bowed themselves to the ground before him.
It wasn’t just the mantle—the hairy coat—that divided the waters; if it had been, everyone could have parted waters, because they all wore skin coats—it was the anointing that did it. That’s why the sons of the prophets said, “The spirit of Elijah doth rest on Elisha.”
So Elisha did see Elijah caught up into heaven and he did get a double portion of the anointing to stand in the office of prophet. And if you’ll read the Bible account of his ministry, it’s recorded that he did twice as many miracles as Elijah.
By studying his story, we learn something about getting the anointing. Elisha stayed right with Elijah. He didn’t let the prophet out of his sight. He followed him closely. The same spirit got hold of him.
You see, that same anointing—or that same spirit—will come by ASSOCIATION, ENVIRONMENT, and INFLUENCE.
Did you ever notice that those who work closely with me have the same anointing on them that I have on me? In fact, there are some anointings in some ministries that have left me—I don’t even have them anymore. My workers got them! That’s absolutely the truth. But that’s the way you get anointings.
Smith Wigglesworth’s Mantle
Frequently when some great man or woman of God passes off the scene, like Elijah did, you will hear preachers say, “I wonder upon whom his mantle will fall?” We’ve all heard that said. But just because we’ve heard something said and have 99
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repeated it often doesn’t make it so! Something isn’t so just because we thought it was so.
I want you to see something here that can hinder you from entering into the blessings God wants you to have.
In 1947, I picked up a religious periodical and read that Smith Wigglesworth had gone to be with the Lord at age 87. I felt a great loss. I remember I went into my church and fell across the altar. I didn’t know the man personally, but I had read about him constantly, actually wearing his books out, until something from him rubbed off on me.
You feel an emptiness—a vacuum—when a man of God of that caliber leaves—a man who had had 23 people raised from the dead in his ministry.
People asked, “I wonder on whom his mantle will fall?” In my ignorance, I, too, thought that the mantle is the anointing, and it would fall at random on somebody.
But that’s not correct. The mantle symbolizes the anointing. Furthermore, the mantle is not decreed to fall upon some particular individual—and it doesn’t. The mantle doesn’t even come to you that way!
How, then, did Elisha get Elijah’s mantle and a double portion of the prophet’s anointing? He followed Elijah closely. As we saw earlier, you get the same anointing by association, environment, and influence.
No doubt you’ll be led of the Lord to follow certain ministries, but there are certain things that ministers need to be warned about in this regard. I’m in my 49th year of ministry. You stumble upon a few things in 49 years.
If you are going to follow somebody, be sure they are following the Lord. If they get off a little—just a little—don’t follow that. Learn faith from them, but don’t follow them too closely.
Remember these three things:
First, have the call of God on your life.
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Second, follow the Lord Jesus—He’s the Head of the Church—very, very closely.
Third, if you want the same type of ministry someone else has, follow that ministry closely. If the desire for it is in your heart, it’s usually because God put it there. But that mantle will not fall on you automatically, like ripe cherries off a tree.
In the days of the Voice of Healing organization, which flourished during the great Healing Revival, I watched some of those ministries. God sent me to some ministers to tell them not to do certain things—but they went ahead and did them anyway.
They started following a certain person, and then that person missed it—and I saw his followers miss it the same way. I saw this happen to several men. Some of them died at exactly the same age that the man they were following had died. You see, they followed him too closely. You might learn something from them.
It’s like something I heard P.C. “Dad” Nelson, the founder of Southwestern Assemblies of God College, say in the spring before he went home to be with the Lord. (He died in the fall of 1942 at age 74.)
Dad Nelson was talking about John Alexander Dowie, a Congregational minister who had a healing ministry long before all of ours. Dowie got a revelation of divine healing from Acts 10:38 while pastoring down in Australia. Later he came to the United States, settling in Chicago. He founded Zion, Illinois, as a Christian city. Gordon Lindsay was born there. Dowie laid hands on him when he was a baby.
Brother Lindsay, who headed the Voice of Healing and founded Christ for the Nations, got some copies of Dowie’s publication, Leaves of Healing, and published some of his sermons. Brother Lindsay also wrote Dowie’s outstanding biography, The Life of John Alexander Dowie.
The incident Dad Nelson related concerning Dowie had to have happened before 1907, because Dowie died in 1907 at age 60. Dad Nelson was still a Baptist pastor at the time of the story 101
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(he didn’t get the baptism with the Holy Spirit and enter the healing ministry himself until 1921).
Dad Nelson said, “I saw Dowie in the presence of six of us denominational ministers and five medical doctors. The doctors had brought in a woman who had a malignant growth on the side of her face.
“It looked like a giant eggplant—blue-purplish—and it grew inside her mouth and covered the whole side of her face. It was almost as big as her head. Doctors couldn’t treat it, it was so big. In those days what they would have treated it with was poisonous, and the woman might have absorbed too much of the poison.
“I saw Dowie, in the presence of six of us denominational ministers and five medical doctors take hold of that malignant growth, say, ‘In the Name of the Lord Jesus Christ!’—and strip it off of her face. The doctors examined her face immediately and said, ‘That’s baby skin. That’s newborn skin on the whole side of her face.'”
Then Dad Nelson added, “You can follow Dowie’s faith, but you can’t follow his doctrine!”
In his latter years, Dowie had missed God.
Some will ask, “Can you be wrong in doctrine and strong in faith?” Certainly. We’ve seen that in the lives of Dowie and others. You need to realize that a person can be right in his heart and wrong in his head!
That’s why you need to be careful about whom you follow—especially in the ministry. A young man who follows another man closely will make the same mistakes the older fellow got into. Learn something from him if you can, but like Dad Nelson said, “You can follow his faith, but you can’t follow his doctrine.”
More than once I’ve seen people in marvelous, legitimate ministries get off. And I’ve seen the same thing happen with the pastoral office. Of course, people are always talking about somebody who failed. (I like to follow somebody, bless God, 102
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who didn’t fail!)
Knowing you believe in divine healing, somebody will say, “Now, Brother So-and-so had a healing ministry, and he died at an early age, and then Brother So-and-so died, too.”
I always say, “I don’t know why he died. That’s not my problem or any of my business. I’m not his lord and master. That’s between him and the Lord. I’m not following him anyway; I’m following the Lord.”
But if I wanted to follow somebody’s example, I’d take Smith Wigglesworth. He lived his life out, praise God, and died without sickness at 87.
Another good example was a minister who was a Baptist until he got baptized with the Holy Spirit, spoke with other tongues, and preached divine healing.
I had heard a number of rumors concerning his death, but then I visited his daughter while holding meetings in her state. I came to find out that when this gentleman was 93, he announced at the breakfast table one morning, “It’s time for me to go home.”
His daughter and wife (who was considerably younger than he) decided he must be getting senile and didn’t realize he already was at home.
His daughter told me, “Momma and I finished the dishes and went into the sitting room. He was sitting there in the chair and said, ‘I told you all I’m going home today. There’s Jesus—goodbye!'”
Sitting in the rocker, he took off. I believe I’ll follow him closely, hallelujah!
Remember what Paul said:
1 CORINTHIANS 11:1
1 Be ye followers of me, even as I also am of Christ.
It’s all right to follow people as long as they are following Christ closely.
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Chapter 12
12 Yielding to the Anointing
I’m convinced that the more we yield to the Spirit of God and are taken over by Him, the more results we would see.
Demons take people over against their will and manifest themselves through them, but the Spirit of God will not do that against your will.
Why can’t we be more yielded to the Spirit of God? I know one reason for me is that I get over into that realm sometimes and get afraid. It’s not like a fear of snakes or cyclones; it’s a holy fear, a holy awe. I get over into that realm and get afraid I can’t get back.
I think that’s what happened to Enoch: He got over there so far he just went on over, body and all!
I don’t know about your experience, but moving in the realm of the supernatural—stepping out of the natural—is not the easiest thing to do. However, if we’ll learn to yield to the anointing and not be afraid, mighty things will happen.
One man who learned to do this was Smith Wiggles-worth.
I never heard Smith Wigglesworth minister. If I’d have known about it, I could have, because he was in Dallas in 1937 while on his last trip to the United States. That was the year I received the baptism in the Holy Spirit, and I lived just 32 miles away, but I didn’t know he was there in Dallas for three night services at the First Assembly of God Church.
I quote from his writings frequently. Someone once asked me concerning his book Ever Increasing Faith, “Do you understand that?”
“Yes, I understand it,” I said. “He speaks my language!”
One pastor said, “I’ve read that book five times, and I haven’t 105
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understood what he’s talking about yet.”
It’s difficult to understand if you’re not over there in that realm.
An elderly minister in California told me of hearing Wigglesworth preach in Southern California. He said, “Sometimes when he started out, he just wouldn’t make sense. He stumbled around. Then the Spirit of God would come on him. It would startle the congregation. You could see it. His countenance would change, and the words would just flow out of his mouth. It looked like he’d turned into another man.”
Wigglesworth went to work in a factory when he was 6 years old. They didn’t have child labor laws in England then, so he never went to school a day in his life. His wife taught him to read.
I remember Donald Gee, one of the leaders of the Assemblies of God movement in Great Britain. I heard him preach when he was in the United States in 1939. He spoke of Wigglesworth.
Wigglesworth didn’t belong to any particular Pentecostal group; he preached for all of them.
Brother Gee said, “We would always have Brother Wigglesworth preach every year at our general conference. We wanted to expose our young ministers to his prophetic anointing so they could learn how to yield to the Spirit of God.”
Wigglesworth spoke for them in 1947, just a few weeks before he went home to be with the Lord at age 87. He spoke of Romans 8:11, “But if the Spirit of him that raised up Jesus from the dead dwell in you, he that raised up Christ from the dead shall also quicken [He’ll quicken, quicken, quicken] your mortal bodies by his Spirit that dwelleth in you.”
I think there’s something over in this area that we’ll lose if we’re not careful. The old-time Pentecostals would pray until they got the unction or anointing to deliver a message. I think they had something we don’t realize sometimes.
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We say, “We’re people of faith. We’ll just start out.”
That’s good only if you have made the right preparation.
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Chapter 13
13 Peculiar Anointings
If we’re not careful, those of us in what is called the “faith ministry” get rather spoiled, wanting only one type of ministry. We need all types of ministry. We need to learn to appreciate all types of ministry.
Pastors need to expose their people to all types of ministries, realizing that God uses people where they are, and recognizing and appreciating the anointing that is upon them.
I’m convinced God is going to use some people in peculiar ways in these days, but they first must be sure the unction or anointing is there. If it gets the job done, praise God for it. That’s what counts. Recognize it and praise God for it, wherever it is.
When I first came into Full Gospel circles, a man with a peculiar anointing came to our church. I had never seen anything like his ministry. Because it didn’t “fit” me, I was disgusted.
The first time I saw him, I thought, Oh, my! I hid my face, I was so embarrassed. I said, “O dear God, it’s time to give the altar service, and here the man’s dancing. Nobody will get saved!”
Yet when he gave the altar call, people started coming down every aisle to get saved. I sat there and wept, saying, “Lord, forgive me. O my God, forgive me!”
When I became a pastor, I invited Old Dad Smith to hold me a meeting in every church I ever pastored but one. As a matter of fact, I wasn’t in a church very long before I would have him come.
This fellow was strictly an evangelist. He just preached the Good News that Jesus saves. That’s about as far as he went.
Do you know what his anointing was? He’d dance people to 109
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the altar. Old Dad Smith would give an altar call dancing!
When I first saw him, he was 63 years old. He held me a meeting when he was over 70, too.
My first impression was, Well, he might reach a few uneducated folks. But he reached educated people! Lawyers, bankers, doctors, and judges would get saved, and in one place the mayor of the town got saved. He danced them down to the altar. The anointing was upon him. You could see it when it came upon him.
Yet he’d start out in the natural. He’d say to his daughter, “Inez, strike up a tune.” Inez would strike up a tune, and he’d start dancing in the flesh. He might dance that way for a little while, but then you could see it: The Spirit of God would hit him. The anointing would come on him. It was so phenomenal the crowd could see it, too. Sinners would gasp. They could see that something had come on him suddenly.
It was light. It was powerful. It was a blessing. It would draw people to the altar.
(There is a secret involved here: Dad Smith would start out dancing in the flesh and then the anointing would hit him.)
I didn’t attempt to imitate him, however. If you go out and start doing something just because somebody else is doing it, it won’t work for you.
God said He would take the foolish things to confound the wise. If God wanted to use him that way, what business was it of mine? He got results.
Now, Dad Smith didn’t know a thing in the world about faith, but that was all right. He was getting more people saved than I was, and I could teach his converts faith after he got them into the kingdom. That wasn’t his ministry anyway. His ministry was getting people saved.
He could have revivals when nobody else could. He could get people saved when nobody else could. Back then if you got half a dozen saved and three baptized with the Holy Spirit, you 110
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thought you had a landslide. Dad Smith always would have more results than that.
I’ll tell you, we don’t need to turn our noses up at anything God’s doing. If it’s bringing blessing to people and getting them saved and baptized with the Holy Spirit, thank God for it.
I read in the Old Testament where God used a donkey once. I always get great blessings from that. I think, If He could use a donkey, He surely could use me!
Let God use you the way He wants to. Quit trying to be like somebody else.
Special Anointings
God will anoint you for whatever He has called you to do, but He anoints some people to minister in special ways, too. Some of us are anointed with special anointings, and such anointings on ministries bring forth marvelous results.
I’m bringing this up because I believe some extraordinary things are going to happen before long. I want to prepare you for them so you won’t miss them or draw back from them simply because you haven’t seen anything like them before. I want you to be ready to move with God.
One New Testament example concerns the Apostle Paul:
ACTS 19:11,12
11 And God wrought SPECIAL MIRACLES by the hands of Paul:
12 So that from his body were brought unto the sick handkerchiefs or aprons, and the diseases departed from them, and the evil spirits went out of them.
We saw that Jesus was anointed by the Holy Spirit to stand in the fivefold ministry offices.
He also was anointed to minister healing. When the woman with the issue of blood touched Him, power went out of Him—power that He was anointed with. What kind of power was it? Healing power.
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But Jesus didn’t always just lay hands on people, and people didn’t always touch Him. He ministered to people in various ways.
One time He spat on the ground, made clay of the spittle, rubbed it on a blind man’s eyes, and said, “Go, wash in the pool of Siloam … He went his way therefore, and washed, and came seeing” (John 9:7).
Do you think Jesus did that because He laid awake nights trying His best to think up something different? No, He was suddenly anointed by the Spirit of God. God will use people in different ways.
On another occasion they brought a man who was deaf and had a speech impediment to Jesus. The Bible says Jesus put His fingers into the man’s ears, spat, and touched his tongue. “And straightway his ears were opened, and the string of his tongue was loosed, and he spake plain” (Mark 7:35).
Why do you think Jesus did that to him? Did He think, Well, I spat on the ground and rubbed it on the blind man’s eyes. Ill try it here and see if it works? No, He didn’t make a practice of that; there aren’t that many references to it. Still, I’m sure He did it more often than the Word of God tells us, because the anointing was there to do it. And when it’s done under the anointing, it works.
The Bible only tells us a little of what Jesus did. John said, “And there are also many other things which Jesus did, the which, if they should be written every one, I suppose that even the world itself could not contain the books that should be written” (John 21:25).
I don’t minister in all the ways that Jesus ministered; I never spit on anybody! Yet somebody might minister that way and that might be the only way they’d minister, because their anointing is there.
One of the founding fathers of the Assemblies of God movement told me personally of such a case while we were talking along these lines.
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He said, “In the early days of the Assemblies of God movement, there was a minister I knew personally who did this and I’ve never seen anybody who had the success that this man had—none of them! I was in Wigglesworth’s meetings; I was in Raymond T. Richie’s meetings; I was in Charles S. Price’s meetings; I was in Sister Aimee Semple McPherson’s meetings; I was in all of the Voice of Healing meetings—but I’ve never seen anybody who had his success.
“Of course, he didn’t minister to the multitudes; he was a country fellow, a farmer who had gotten saved. He never preached anywhere but out in the country in country school houses. Back in those days the country was full of people.
He continued, “Very seldom would a person fail to get healed in his meetings. I was standing right by his side, and he’d always spit on them—every single one of them. He’d spit in his hand and rub it on them. That’s the way he ministered.”
He said, “They brought a fellow up to him once—I was standing only five feet away—and he was a grown man, 40-some years old. His left arm was just like any other person’s, but his right arm was a little ol’ arm just eight inches long hanging off his shoulder. That man spit in his hand and rubbed it on that arm and I saw it grow right out the same length as the other and the hand grow the same size as the other.”
This brother said, “If something was wrong with your head, he’d spit in his hand and rub it on your forehead. If you had stomach trouble, he’d spit in his hand and rub it on your clothes and on your stomach. If you had something wrong with your knee, he’d spit in his hand and rub it on your knee. And all the people would get healed. Why? God told him to.”
You can’t argue with success. None of us minister in all the ways Jesus ministered, because we don’t stand in all of those offices, but we may minister in some ways He ministered.
Several times the anointing has come on me to do unusual things while praying for the sick. Sometimes I go along five or six years between times.
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The first time it happened to me was in 1950. I was preaching in Oklahoma. A woman came forward for prayer. She said she was 72, but she looked like she was about to give birth to a baby. Of course, she had a tumor.
She had been operated on twice in Oklahoma City, but the tumor had come back the third time, and the doctors wouldn’t operate again. They said, “We feel you’ll live longer if we don’t operate on you anymore. You’ll probably live another few years.”
She told me, “Eighteen months have passed, and you can see this huge tumor.”
“Well,” I replied, “isn’t it wonderful that we have inside information? Himself took our—and your—infirmities, and bare our—and your—sicknesses. Healing’s yours.”
“Yes,” she said. “That’s right. Healing’s mine, and I’ll be healed, too.”
I started to lay hands on her to pray when the Word of the Lord came to me, saying, “Hit her in the stomach with your fist.”
On the inside of me, I said, “Lord, You’re going to get me in trouble, going around hitting women in the stomach with my fist! I don’t believe I much want to do that!”
Well, if you get to arguing about it, the anointing will leave you—it will lift from you just like a bird flying away after sitting on your shoulder. It left me.
When it left me I thought, Well, I’ll go ahead and minister with laying on of hands. I laid hands on her again and the anointing came again and the Word of the Lord came again: “Hit her in the stomach with your fist.”
I decided I had better stop and explain that to the crowd before I started doing it. So I told them what the Lord said, and I punched her in the stomach with my fist. And God and hundreds of people are my witnesses that that stomach went down like you’d stuck a pin in a balloon.
And she gathered her dress up around her and said, “Why—
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why—why, it’s gone!”
I said, “It sure has.”
She looked at me sort of startled and said, “I don’t know where it went.”
I said, “I don’t, either.”
Where did it go? Thank God, it just went.
That was my first experience along that line. But I didn’t go around hitting people in the stomach with my fist from then on just because I had the unction that one time! Without the unction, nothing would have happened, and I might have gotten into trouble.
Through the years, the Lord has said to me several times, “Hit them.” I’ve never hit anybody yet without their being instantly healed.
Several years ago we were ministering in Atlanta, Georgia, and the Spirit of God led me to call out somebody who was very hard of hearing in one ear. When the man got down to the front, the Spirit of God told me to hit him.
I hit him on the side of the head, and it popped like a gun went off. Some people asked him about it later, and he said, “I have no knowledge of it. It didn’t hurt. I thought he tapped me lightly.” But his deaf ear was opened.
And then—and I don’t know why I said it—I suddenly had the unction to say, “Run down the aisle.” He turned and ran down the aisle. He hadn’t run in 20 years.
As this man was changing clothes later, preparing to come to the next service, he called to his wife, “Look, look, look!” All of his varicose veins had completely disappeared.
Now, you can’t ordinarily get people healed simply by having them run down the aisle, but when the unction’s there—when the anointing’s there—it works, glory to God!
Not long ago I was teaching in the afternoon at our Healing School, and just as I came to the close of the service I saw 115
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myself hit somebody in the back, right over their right kidney, with my fist. All I saw was the back of the person. Whoever it was was wearing blue jeans, so I thought it was a man.
I spoke that right out: “God wants me to minister to somebody. Your right kidney doesn’t function at all and the left one not much, but it’s the right one that’s failed.”
A woman came down front. She had on those blue jeans I had seen. I said, “Now I’m going to do what I saw myself do.” I didn’t know a thing in the world about her or her condition, but I hit her in the back with my fist right over that kidney.
She was a RHEMA student who was being treated at the City of Faith. Her doctors were very worried about that kidney and had scheduled a biopsy because the kidney wasn’t working. But when she told them what God had had me do, her Spirit-filled doctor said, “We’ll just wait, then, on the surgery.” She never did have the surgery; that kidney started functioning again.
I saw that in the realm of the Spirit. A lot goes along with the anointing of the prophet. Thank God for the anointing.
I believe we’re going to see some things over in this area of anointing that we haven’t seen before.
A black preacher called it “the ointment.” In the Old Testament they talked about the ointment, which was a type of the anointing.
Somebody asked this preacher, “What’s that you keep talking about? What is it?”
He said, “Well, I don’t know what it is, but I know what it ain’t.” And I concur with him, praise God. We may not know altogether what it is, but we know when it ain’t. And it’s quite obvious sometimes, not only in our preaching, but in our singing and our ministering, that it ain’t.”
God wants to raise up a mighty spiritual army in these days, equipped with His power and His Spirit, that He can place His anointing upon.
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He wants you? Have you got the anointing upon you that you should have to stand in that office? Or are you just a hanger-on?
Do you have a desire to do something for God, but you don’t know where your place is, and you think, Well, I’m working for the Lord, so that’s fine? But it’s not fine. Did He call you or not? Is the anointing on you?
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Chapter 14
14 The Healing Anointing
There is a healing anointing.
Jesus said, “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because HE HATH ANOINTED ME to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me TO HEAL….” (Luke 4:18).
Acts 10:38 also refers to Jesus’ anointing to heal: “How GOD ANOINTED JESUS of Nazareth with the Holy Ghost and with power: WHO WENT ABOUT doing good, and HEALING all that were oppressed of the devil; for God was with him.”
I got people healed after I was saved and had the Holy Spirit dwelling in me. I didn’t have the baptism of the Holy Spirit yet—I didn’t know about it.
I myself had been healed by acting upon the promises of God, not by being ministered to by somebody who was anointed. I had been healed reading Mark 11:23,24: “When ye pray, believe that ye receive… and ye shall have….” (v. 24).
I taught people what I had learned: that you can be healed through faith and prayer. I knew nothing about ministering with an anointing to heal, although I knew something about preaching with an anointing. When I prayed for people’s healing, I never felt anything. Nothing went out of me into them.
The Pentecostals I began associating with knew a depth in the Holy Spirit that I didn’t know, and they waited for something supernatural to happen. When it happened, someone got healed, but if it didn’t, they didn’t know how to teach people to believe God and receive by faith alone.
I just went along ministering by faith, basing healing on the promises of the Word of God, and getting people healed on a regular basis. (Smith Wigglesworth said, “There’s something 119
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about believing God that will cause God to pass over a million people just to get to you.”)
Even after I was baptized in the Holy Spirit, I still wasn’t conscious of any anointing to minister healing. I still ministered to people through faith and prayer, laying hands on them in faith.
I’d been baptized with the Holy Spirit for about two years before I was conscious of an anointing or transfer of power that sometimes would go out of me into other people. We can be conscious of a flow of anointing because the Holy Spirit—the life of God—is in us, and can be ministered to others.
It’s a matter of how much faith you have: little faith, little results; more faith, more results. I think that’s the reason I had more results than many Pentecostal ministers even before I was baptized in the Holy Spirit.
Any believer—layman or preacher—can lay hands on the sick, because healing belongs to them; it was purchased for them at Calvary. We are authorized to pray—we don’t need any special leading—we’re already instructed to do so. The Bible says, “These signs shall follow them that believe… they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover” (Mark 16:17,18).
Thus, people today can believe the Word and be healed of anything without any special manifestation of God’s miraculous ministry gifts or spiritual gifts. On the other hand, some are anointed with the healing anointing.
How Jesus Ministered Healing
Notice that Jesus ministered healing with an anointing of healing power. We can learn something about that healing anointing in Mark 5, the story of the woman with the issue of blood.
MARK 5:25-34
25 And a certain woman, which had an issue of blood twelve years,
26 And had suffered many things of many physicians, and had 120
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spent all that she had, and was nothing bettered, but rather grew worse,
27 When she had heard of Jesus, came in the press behind, and touched his garment.
28 For she said, If I may touch but his clothes, I shall be whole.
29 And straightway the fountain of her blood was dried up; and she felt in her body that she was healed of that plague.
30 And Jesus, immediately knowing in himself that VIRTUE [the Greek says “power”] had gone out of him, turned him about in the press, and said, Who touched my clothes?
31 And his disciples said unto him, Thou seest the multitude thronging thee, and sayest thou, Who touched me?
32 And he looked round about to see her that had done this thing.
33 But the woman fearing and trembling, knowing what was done in her, came and fell down before him, and told him all the truth.
34 And he said unto her, Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace, and be whole of thy plague.
When the woman touched Jesus, it says that “virtue” went out of Him. Actually, the Greek word is always translated “power” elsewhere. Power went out of Jesus into her—there was a transfer of power.
What caused that power to go out of Him into her? Her faith. He said, “Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole….” (v. 34).
We see a similar passage in the 14th chapter of Matthew’s Gospel:
MATTHEW 14:34-36
34 And when they were gone over, they came into the land of Gennesaret.
35 And when the men of that place had knowledge of him, they sent out into all that country round about, and brought unto him all that were diseased;
36 And besought him THAT THEY MIGHT ONLY TOUCH THE HEM OF HIS GARMENT: and as many as touched were made perfectly whole.
Although this does not say that power went out of Jesus, it strongly infers it, because we know what happened in Mark 5.
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Now let’s look at Luke 6:
LUKE 6:17-19
17 And he came down with them, and stood in the plain, and the company of his disciples, and a great multitude of people out of all Judea and Jerusalem, and from the sea coast of Tyre and Sidon, which came to hear him, and to be healed of their diseases;
18 And they that were vexed with unclean spirits: and they were healed.
19 And the whole multitude sought to touch him: for there went VIRTUE [or power] out of him, and healed them all.
This power that went out of Jesus not only healed the people of diseases, but the Bible says it healed people with unclean spirits. It was healing power. This sounds familiar to language used in the Acts of the Apostles:
ACTS 19:11,12
11 And God wrought special miracles by the hands of Paul: 12 So that from his body were brought unto the sick handkerchiefs or aprons, and the diseases departed from them, and the evil spirits went out of them.
Here again we see people being healed of diseases and being delivered from evil spirits. The Bible says in the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word be established. We can learn something about this healing power from these Scriptures.
First, we can be anointed with healing power as God wills, but we can’t anoint ourselves. (If we could, we’d all be anointed.) God anoints some people to heal just like He anoints others to preach, teach, and stand in various offices.
Notice that we can’t anoint one another. The Bible says, “How God anointed Jesus of Nazareth” and “God wrought special miracles by the hands of Paul.”
The healing anointing is the power of God. It’s the same Spirit; it’s just a different anointing. It feels different.
The best way to describe it is to liken it to a coat. If size 32 long fits you, you would be able to get into a size 40, but it wouldn’t fit you exactly. You might even put on a size 48, but it would look like an overcoat on you.
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Sometimes when the anointing comes on me it feels as if I’m wearing a coat—it’s as if somebody threw an overcoat on me. Then, after I have ministered for a time, I’ve felt it lift like a burden. It has seemed to fly away.
You can’t continue to minister healing to the people the same way after the anointing has lifted, so what do you do?
I tell the people, “Well, praise God, the Bible’s still so. I won’t lie to you—I can’t minister with the anointing anymore tonight, because the anointing has lifted. But I’ll tell you what: Faith in God’s Word always works. I was healed that way. I’ll minister to you like that in faith if you want hands laid on you.”
You can minister to people in faith without any anointing. I’ve seen people healed of incurable cancer and other conditions just sitting back there in the crowd. They believed the Word that was preached and believed God. They didn’t particularly feel anything; they just released their faith. And, of course, God answered their faith.
Doctors predicted one such fellow would be dead in a month. It’s been four years, and he’s still alive. His doctors can’t find a trace of cancer; he was healed by faith alone.
On the other hand, in the same services the Spirit of God has suddenly moved on me and I’ve done things I didn’t even know I was doing. In ministering under that anointing you can get so far under you don’t know what’s happening around you, because you’re moving over in the realm of the Spirit. I minister both ways, but right now we’re studying about ministering with and under the anointing.
Second, this power is not only a heavenly materiality; it’s a tangible substance. “Tangible” means perceptible to the touch, capable of being touched.
It has to be tangible, because Jesus knew the moment it flowed out of Him. He was aware of an outflow.
It has to be tangible, because the woman with the issue of blood was aware of receiving the power. There was a transmission of power from one to the other.
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That woman did not touch Jesus’ person, for He said, “Who touched my clothes?” His disciples replied, “Thou seest the multitude thronging thee, and sayest thou, Who touched me?” (Mark 5:31).
There’s no telling how many people touched His clothes. We read in verse 27 that the woman had come “in the press behind.” That means the people were pressing in on every side—pressing up against each other. Yet this power didn’t flow out to all of them; it only flowed out to this woman.
Third, the healing power is transferable or transmit-table: It will flow from one person to another, mainly by touch, such as by the laying on of hands. We saw in Luke 6:19 that “… the whole multitude SOUGHT TO TOUCH HIM: for there went virtue [or power] out of him, and healed them all.”
How Healing Power Is ‘Stored’
Another way the healing anointing is transmitted from one person to another is by the application of a cloth or handkerchief to a sick person’s body. We need to realize that this healing power is capable of being “stored” in cloth, as it was in Jesus’ garment and in the handkerchiefs of Paul, as we saw in Acts 19:12.
Evidently Jesus’ clothes had absorbed that anointing, and it flowed out to the woman when she touched His robe. Evidently that’s what happened with Paul when he laid his hands on those handkerchiefs. The anointing he was anointed with flowed into those cloths and they became “storage batteries,” so to speak, of that anointing or power. Then, when the cloths were laid on the sick, the diseases departed from them, and evil spirits went out of them.
But God did it all: God anointed Jesus of Nazareth, and God wrought special miracles by the hands of Paul. Jesus said of His own ministry, “…the Father that dwelleth in me, he doeth the works” (John 14:10). That same power accomplished the same results in Paul’s ministry when those cloths were laid on the sick.
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We will elaborate a little on this point. Often, in our narrow thinking, we do not allow God to do everything He wants to do, because we imagine things have to be done in a certain way.
For example, many believe demons or devils always have to be discerned and cast out. The demons weren’t discerned or cast out in the Scriptures we just studied, were they? Not in either case, yet the people were delivered. That just happens sometimes.
People have come up to me in the healing line and said, “I think maybe I have a demon.”
I answer, “What difference does it make? The same power that will drive out sickness will drive out devils. That power went into you when I prayed. Forget it and go on faith; you’re delivered.”
That’s the trouble—people go by what they think instead of by what the Bible says. Of course, if you’re operating in faith without the healing anointing, then you do have to speak the Word, but it doesn’t say anything about Jesus’ speaking any Word at all in the sixth chapter of Luke: “And they that were vexed with unclean spirits… were healed. And the whole multitude sought to touch him: for there went virtue [power] out of him, and healed them all” (vv. 18,19). That means all those with diseases and evil spirits were healed.
In my own ministry, I’ve seen any number of alcoholics healed, and I didn’t know one of them was an alcoholic. In fact, some of them didn’t even come up for prayer for their alcoholism; they came up for healing, because when you drink too much the alcohol affects your liver and you get ulcers. (There’s no doubt in my mind at all that alcoholism is a demon.)
I’ve had any number of people tell me, “Brother Hagin, when you laid hands on me, that anointing came into me, and I was delivered from alcoholism.”
One such testimony came from a man who had been an officer in the U.S. Army. He had been in three government hospitals and three private hospitals. “I took the cure for 125
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alcoholism,” he told me, “and came out drinking.”
He was a man nearly 60 years old. He said, “I remembered when I was 13 years old I knew the Lord. I knew the story of the Prodigal Son, so I got down on my knees and prayed, ‘Dear Lord, I’m coming home, just like the Prodigal Son of old, and I ask You to forgive me.'”
He said, “I know the Lord took me back. I had peace in my spirit. It felt to me like a 2,000-pound weight rolled off my chest. But my body still was bound with that alcohol demon. I couldn’t quit drinking.”
A friend invited him to one of our meetings, and he went. He hadn’t been to church in years, and he didn’t understand what was happening in the service as people lifted their hands and prayed as one, right out loud.
The church he had gone to as a youngster was quiet and conservative. He told me later, “Then you started that healing line and nearly everybody you laid hands on fell on the floor, and that startled me. I said to my friend, ‘Well, I’m going down there because I need help desperately, but I’m not going to fall like the rest of them!'”
He told me, “The next thing I knew, I was getting up off the floor. I don’t even remember falling. Two outstanding things happened to me: First, when you laid hands on me, something like electricity went all over me—warmth went all over me. It was a great spiritual experience. I got closer to Jesus. It made me love Him more. Second, that alcohol demon I was bound with all those years left me. I’ve never touched another drop. I’ve never even wanted another drink!” Thank God for the power of God—the anointing.
Healed—And Delivered
People with all kinds of demon activity—people who had been mixed up with spiritualism and the occult—all kinds of demon manifestations—have been set free the same way after coming forward for healing. They didn’t even have deliverance 126
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in mind.
One person said to me, “I came because I had stomach trouble and I wanted to get healed. I not only got healed, but since that power came into me, I’ve never heard another rapping on the wall in the nighttime. I’ve never heard any more voices. All that activity stopped.”
Thank God, the diseases “departed from them, and the evil spirits went out of them.” For there is a power that is greater than the power of the devil. There is a power that’s greater than disease and sickness. It is the power of God.
How does this power operate? Jesus is anointed with it, but how are you going to get that anointing over to someone else?
The anointing will manifest in various ways. John G. Lake compared it to electricity. He said, “Electricity is God’s power in the natural realm, but the Holy Ghost power is God’s power in the spirit realm.”
Electricity flows, doesn’t it? So there is a similarity, because this supernatural power also flows.
After men discovered electricity, they had to learn the rules and laws that governed it. They finally learned how to get electricity to flow. They learned that not just anything—not just any metal—will conduct electricity.
And I’ve learned from experience that not just any material or substance will conduct God’s power. We have seen in Scripture that that anointing will flow right into cloth, as it did into Jesus’ clothes and Paul’s handkerchiefs.
Even though paper has some of the same ingredients in it, I never have been able to get that anointing to go into paper, leather, or any other substance. But it will flow into cloth. Why? I don’t know. In the same way, I don’t know why every kind of material or metal will not conduct electricity, but it won’t.
We can say, however, that the Holy Spirit power flowed out of Jesus into the woman with the issue of blood. We could use a scriptural terminology and say that the Holy Spirit power flows 127
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like water, because Jesus Himself said:
JOHN 7:37-39
37 In the last day, that great day of the feast, Jesus stood and cried, saying, If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink. [When you think about thirst and drinking, you think about water.]
38 He that believeth on me, as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow [out of his innermost being shall flow] rivers [that’s water, isn’t it?] of living water.
39 (But this spake he of the Spirit, which they that believe on him should receive: for the Holy Ghost was not yet given; because that Jesus was not yet glorified.)
Back then, Jesus couldn’t have used the illustration of electricity because it wasn’t known. People wouldn’t have known what He was talking about. But they did know about water and about water flowing.
A Transferable Power
So the Holy Spirit flows like electricity or water. It will flow from one person to another. Therefore, this power—this healing power—is not only a tangible substance and a heavenly materiality; this power is transmittable or transferable.
It can be transmitted from one person to another, or transferred from one through another.
Evidently Jesus did that when He called His twelve disciples to Him and gave them power:
MATTHEW 10:1
1 And when he had called unto him his twelve disciples, HE GAVE THEM POWER against unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal all manner of sickness and all manner of disease.
The Word of God says in John 3:34 that Jesus had the Spirit without measure, so when He sent forth the Twelve, He gave them power. Where did He get this power? We saw in Acts 10:38 that “God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Ghost and power.”
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person to another. The Word of God says in the 34th chapter of Deuteronomy that Joshua had the same spirit of wisdom that Moses had, because Moses had laid his hands on him:
DEUTERONOMY 34:9
9 And Joshua the son of Nun was full of the spirit of wisdom; for Moses had laid his hands upon him ….
Evidently some of that same spiritual wisdom and power Moses was anointed with was transferred to Joshua by the laying on of hands, for the power of God is transferable.
In Luke 10:19, Jesus said to the Seventy: “Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy: and nothing shall by any means hurt you.” I know the Greek word here is also translated “authority,” but whether it’s authority or literal power, Jesus is sending them out to do the same works He did: He healed the sick and cast out devils with the power of God.
Are His disciples going to do these things with human power? No, if they could do that, they’d already have been doing it.
Jesus authorized and evidently empowered His disciples to go out and heal and deliver people. In Mark 9, we see that in their journeys they ran into a fellow whom Jesus hadn’t empowered, yet he was casting out devils by faith. They forbade him to do so, and came back and reported this to Jesus.
But Jesus said, “Forbid him not: for there is no man which shall do a miracle in my name, that can lightly speak evil of me” (Mark 9:39).
This fellow was casting out spirits in the Name of Jesus, and he didn’t even know Him. He was a stranger to Jesus. Jesus didn’t know him, and He hadn’t called him. He hadn’t said, “I authorize you. I give you power.” This fellow had been in some of Jesus’ services and he had faith to cast out devils. Notice he was casting them out through faith. When the disciples ministered, they did so with the anointing.
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the anointing. There’s no use being divided on the subject.
Some people who minister under the anointing know nothing about faith. That was one of the major problems we had in the days of the great Healing Revival here in the United States in 1947-58. Almost all of the healing evangelists were ministering under the anointing—the power of God—but some of them knew very little about the Bible. (They made some of the most stupid statements concerning the Bible you ever heard in your life.)
Most of the ministers involved in this movement belonged to the Voice of Healing organization. We always had a convention at Thanksgiving. At our 1954 convention in Philadelphia, I said to some of the brethren, “When all the rest of these fellows are gone, I’ll still be out there ministering.” They’re all gone except one or two of us, and I’m still ministering.
Why? Because I saw the difference between ministering under an anointing and ministering by faith, and I minister both ways.
What happened to the others? Preacher after preacher got sick themselves. These were men who had been mightily used of God to do marvelous things, but they ministered only under the anointing. Some of them came to talk to me after they got sick.
One man said, “This anointing—this gift or whatever ministry I’ve got—will work for other people, but it won’t work for me.” (The anointing is always there to minister to somebody else.) “Why won’t it work for me?” he asked.
I said, “God didn’t give the ministry of the apostle to minister to the apostle. He gave it to minister to the Body of Christ. You’re going to have to get healed like the rest of us—by faith—or else do without it.” He looked at me like he’d seen a ghost.
“Well,” he said, “I guess I’ll do without it, because I don’t know anything about faith.”
I said, “You ought to have been listening when some of us who do know something about it were preaching and teaching. 130
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Just because you’re anointed to do something doesn’t mean you know everything.”
I’m thinking of another fellow. One night they brought five adults from a school for the deaf and dumb to his service. All five were instantly healed. He laid his hands on a blind woman. Instantly her eyes were opened. Another person came in on a stretcher. Her doctor had given her up to die. She was instantly healed.
Yet the preacher didn’t know a thing in the world about the Bible when it came to faith and very little when it came to healing. I nearly fell off my seat one night at one statement the poor fellow made. And then he got sick.
The anointing would come on him, he’d minister under it, some of the greatest things you’ve ever seen would happen, and then the anointing would lift.
The anointing doesn’t remain on you in manifestation, because you’d wear out physically. You couldn’t stand it. It’s like getting hold of a live electric wire—you couldn’t hold on to it forever.
I’ve had such a strong anointing on me that I’ve vibrated—I’ve shaken physically under it. Even my eyeballs jumped! I’ve had such a strong anointing on me that I couldn’t even see the crowd. They thought I was looking right at them, but I didn’t even know they were there, for I was over in this other realm.
I get more results when I get over there, but I don’t stay over there, because I can’t stand it. My body’s still mortal, and I can’t stand it.
I’ve had to say to the Lord, “Lord, turn it off! Just turn it off! I can’t stand it. I can’t take any more!”
Some time ago we were having dinner with friends in the ministry, and we were talking about the healing anointing.
This evangelist said, “Through the years, I’ve always woven in and out of the healing anointing—I haven’t always had that anointing on me—but in recent times it has come back on me.
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“Sometimes I’m sitting here in the living room at night, talking to my wife, and when I get up to go to bed and step into the bedroom, it’s as if I’ve stepped into a room full of glory. It’s just all over me. I can hardly stand it. It’s the anointing—the healing anointing. I have to say, ‘Lord, turn it off. I can’t take any more.'”
I know exactly what he’s talking about. Physically, you just can’t take it. Jesus had the Holy Spirit without measure. If I get a little too much measure of it, I can’t stand it.
The Spirit Without Measure
The reason Jesus could have the Spirit without measure is because His body was not mortal.
Yes, He could be tempted in all points like we are, because He was human, all right, but He was like Adam was before he sinned. Adam could be tempted—but before Adam sinned, his body was neither mortal nor immortal. (On the other hand, Adam did need to sustain that human body by eating.)
If Adam’s body had been mortal, it would have been subject to death—but Adam originally wasn’t subject to death. The Word of God says that death affects you when you sin: “Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned” (Rom. 5:12). Death didn’t pass on mankind until after Adam had sinned.
This is the reason Jesus couldn’t be killed until He was made sin for us. Jesus said, “No man taketh it [His life] from me, but I lay it down of myself” (John 10:18).
Once an angry mob was going to throw Him off the brow of a hill at Nazareth to kill Him, but He slipped through their midst and disappeared (Luke 4:29,30).
Then, in the Garden of Gethsemane, when He took upon His spirit nature our sins and our diseases, His body became mortal, and they could kill Him.
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without measure. Just imagine: Jesus had the Spirit without measure, and it could flow through Him and not particularly bother or affect Him!
Let’s go back to the illustration Dr. Lake gave that electricity is God’s power in the natural realm. Physically, you can take a little electric shock and sometimes a little static electricity. You feel it and shake it off. It doesn’t affect your body. But if you grab hold of a lamp that’s got a short in it and that power hits you, you jump and holler! You can’t stand there all day holding on to that lamp. In fact, even 110 volts will kill you under certain circumstances. And if you move up to higher voltage, it will fry your hide!
I can stand only so much anointing, and I can’t stand it for very long. There are times I feel as if I’m going to fall down—it seems my legs are going out from under me. My hands tingle. My arms tingle. Sometimes my whole body tingles. Sometimes the anointing in the palms of my hands burns like fire.
When the Lord appeared to me in that first vision on September 2, 1950 in that tent meeting in Rockwall, Texas, He touched the palms of my hands with the finger of His right hand, and my hands began to burn as if I were holding a coal of fire in them. It wasn’t just a warmth—they felt as if they were burning.
For three days and nights my hands burned until I’d catch myself rubbing them, trying to get a little relief.
The thing that was special about this anointing was the added dimension. It’s the same anointing, except a different measure. It’s the same Holy Spirit—there’s only one Holy Spirit. (There are a lot of spirits in the world, but they are demon spirits. We’re not interested in them, and we’re not afraid of them, because we have authority over them.)
Jesus said, “If that leaves you, fast and pray until it comes back.” So if the anointing wanes, I’ll do a little fasting and a little extra praying, and it will come back in force.
A Special Anointing
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He said, “Kneel before me,” and I knelt before Him.
He laid His hand on my head and said, “I’ve called thee and have anointed thee and have given unto thee a special anointing to minister to the sick.” Then He said, “Stand upright on thy feet. You understand this is not the only way to minister healing to the sick.”
I replied, “I know that. I’ve been doing it differently for years.” And we talked about the different ways.
Then He said, “This anointing will not work unless you tell the people exactly what I told you.”
Why would He want me to say that? There is a principle here. We saw it in the story of the woman with the issue of blood. Notice what Jesus said to her: “Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole.” Faith has something to do with healing.
Some will say, “Well, I thought it was that anointing—that power—that went out of Him that healed her.” Yes, that’s sometimes true, but it’s your faith that makes you whole.
How did the woman get faith? Why would she have faith in Him or in the anointing He was anointed with? In Mark 5:27,28 it says, “When SHE HAD HEARD OF JESUS… [she] came in the press behind and touched his garment, For she said, If I may touch but his clothes, I shall be whole.”
Jesus told me, “This will not work for you unless you TELL the people exactly what I told you.” Why does He want me to tell you? So you can believe it.
He said, “Tell the people exactly what I told you. That is, you tell them you saw me. Tell them I spoke to you. Tell them I laid the finger of my right hand in the palm of each one of your hands. Tell them the healing anointing is in your hands.”
Jesus’ Sense of Humor
Then He smiled—I can see Him yet, how He smiled—and said, talking about the anointing in my hands, “The anointing is not in your feet—I didn’t tell you to lay your feet on anybody. 134
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The anointing is not in your head—I didn’t tell you to lay your head on anybody. It’s in your hands.” And He grinned when He said that. I believe He has a sense of humor, don’t you? (I know so.)
“Tell them that I told you to tell them that if they will believe that—that is, believe that you’re anointed—and will receive the anointing, that power will flow from your hands into their body and will drive out their sickness or their disease, or will effect a healing or a cure in them.” (Notice He called it “that power” this time instead of calling it the anointing.)
I began to minister with that anointing. In January 1952, I was holding a meeting in Port Arthur, Texas. In those days, after I’d preached and given the altar call, I’d send people to the prayer room to be saved and I’d put others in a prayer line to be healed and filled with the Holy Spirit. I’d sit on a chair on the platform and lay hands on them as they went by. I’d spend time with each of them, talking to them individually. We had 25 to 50 people a night in the prayer lines in those days, so we could take the time to do this.
One night I was sitting in the chair ministering when suddenly a stronger anointing came on me. One can be more or less anointed to minister healing, preach, or stand in any office. We’re talking about ministering here.
The Personal Anointing
Every born-again, Spirit-filled believer has a measure of the Spirit and anointing within, 1 John 2:27 says, but this “personal anointing” never will be increased. There’s nothing in the Scripture that indicates you can have a double portion of your personal anointing.
Yes, Elisha had a double portion of what Elijah had, but that was an anointing to minister.
As I was sitting in that chair, it felt as if somebody threw something over me. I could feel it in my whole being—it was as if someone had thrown a cloak over my shoulders. It was 135
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vibrating through every part of me—I knew it in my spirit. I also knew it wouldn’t last long, because I couldn’t physically stand it that long, so I leaped off the platform and ran by the people in the healing line, touching them on the forehead as I ran by.
I was so overwhelmed by the Spirit that the pastor had to tell me later what I had done. I remembered starting to run, but I couldn’t see anything, even though I had my eyes wide open. (It’s difficult to describe spiritual things.)
The Ordinary Anointing
Everyone I touched fell under the power (that had only happened once or twice to me as a pastor). Suddenly that anointing lifted from me. I looked around and saw all those people lying on the floor. I returned to the platform, sat down, and finished the healing line with what I call the “ordinary anointing.”
Later the pastor told me I had laid hands on 34 people. He said, “About 17 of them had come to get the Holy Spirit, and they were lying there on the floor talking in tongues. Most of them are members of my church. That astounds me—I’ve never seen anything like it—because some of them were chronic seekers; they’d been seeking the baptism of the Holy Spirit for years.”
That didn’t happen again until September 1954, when I preached the three Sunday services in the First Foursquare Church of San Jose, California.
At the close of the morning service, I dismissed the people and said, “You come back this afternoon and we’ll lay hands on believers to be filled with the Holy Spirit and we’ll lay hands on the sick to be healed.”
That afternoon we had the people who wanted to be filled with the Spirit to stand on one side and those who wanted healing to stand in another line. The pastor and a minister friend were ministering with me. Just as I started down the line, the anointing came on me. Again, it was as if somebody had run by 136
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me and had thrown a cloak on me. I could feel it all over me. Again, I knew it wouldn’t last long because I could not physically stand it, so I started running and touching people with my finger. (I didn’t take time to touch them with my hands.)
I was caught up in that glory, and they told me everybody I touched fell. Then that anointing lifted from me. I couldn’t have stood it any longer.
That stronger anointing has come on me four times in the past 20 years.
In September 1970, while my wife and I were in New York State, the Lord instructed me to return to Tulsa and hold a seminar. Our offices then were in Brother T. L. Osborn’s old office building on North Utica. We had a little chapel in there that would seat 300, so we’d hold a seminar now and then.
The Lord told me to have a Healing Seminar at night and a Prayer Seminar in the mornings from October 11-18, 1970. He said, “Teach on intercessory prayer.” (Those messages were later made into the book The Interceding Christian.)
‘That Stronger Anointing’
He told me what to teach on in every service. “When you come to Wednesday night,” He said, “speak on special ministries and special anointings. Relate your experience of what I said to you 20 years ago when I appeared to you, and then lay hands on the people.
“And when you lay hands on them, that stronger anointing that has come on you four times in the last 20 years will come to abide. This will be a new beginning for you. You see, you’ve never done what you should have done with the healing ministry.”
(I’ve been running ever since then, trying to keep up with what God’s doing. It takes all my time and effort to try to keep up with Him!)
Six weeks before that 1970 seminar I had a vision of people lying all over the front of that little auditorium and up on the 137
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platform. I knew what was going to happen, but I didn’t tell a soul. I didn’t want to be accused of causing it or influencing it somehow.
When I started laying hands on the people during that seminar, they started falling everywhere. The anointing on me was strong.
After ministering that night, I wobbled around like a drunk. I couldn’t get to my car unaided, much less drive it home. Somebody had to drive me home and help me out of the car. They got me in a big recliner, but it was two hours before I got back to normal and could get up out of the chair and walk.
This is one reason I get away from the crowd in healing crusades. The anointing seems to settle down in my legs like that and I can’t walk.
Also, when I’m ministering under that anointing, I’ll tell people, “Don’t talk to me.” You see, if I get back over in the natural, mental realm, I’ll lose the anointing. So I don’t want people to touch me or do anything that would bring me back into the physical realm. I want to be left alone.
My wife and the people who work with me in the crusades tell me things that happen in the healing line that I never know happened (that doesn’t mean I’m unconscious). Sometimes funny things happen, and they’ll start laughing, but if I were to be aware of it and laugh with them, I’d lose the anointing and would get back over into the natural.
I always have a measure of that anointing—always. And I can begin talking about it and it will come into manifestation to a lesser or greater degree. Often the palms of both my hands will start burning.
Making the Anointing Stronger
I can make the anointing come on me stronger by doing certain things: a little fasting, a little extra prayer, a little extra waiting on God, although I don’t always have time to do that.
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have a stronger anointing, I always have more instant healings.
I’ve had great success in the past, and still do, ministering to people with cancer, but only a few persons over a period of years were instantly healed.
Even though that power will flow into people and they receive it, their healing doesn’t always happen instantly. Sometimes it would be three to ten days before they could tell a difference—but that power drove the cancer out of their bodies.
Most healing is by degree, based on two conditions:
(1) The degree of healing virtue administered;
(2) The degree of faith that gives action to the power administered.
It doesn’t matter how strongly I’m anointed—if there’s not faith to give action to that power, there’ll be no healing. We can prove this by looking at Proverbs 4:
PROVERBS 4:20-22
20 My son, attend to my words; incline thine ear unto my sayings.
21 Let them not depart from thine eyes; keep them in the midst of thine heart.
22 For they are life unto those that find them, and health to all their flesh.
If you’ve got a good reference Bible, you will notice a little number or letter by the word “health.” The marginal note will indicate that in the original Hebrew, the word translated “health” was originally the word “medicine.” In other words, God is saying, “my words are medicine to all their flesh.”
Do you know any medicine that will cure you after just one dose? No, nobody does. You’re not going to take just one dose of the Word and be well, either. I know it said He sent His Word and healed them, but He said “my words are medicine.”
Exploring the Realm of the Spirit
Ever since the first night that anointing came on me to abide, as Jesus had promised, the potential has been there all the time. 139
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But I’ve never had the anointing that strong again in these past 13 years. It’s been close a time or two, but it took me two hours to get back to the natural that time.
I don’t know if you’ve had any experience in the Spirit or not, but I’ve had a lot of experience, and I’ll be perfectly honest with you: When that anointing comes, you almost get afraid from the natural standpoint, because you’re afraid you can’t get back.
In August 1982, the anointing came on me so strong out at Fred Price’s church, Crenshaw Christian Center, in Inglewood, California, that I couldn’t say a word in English, and I couldn’t get back. I kept thinking during that experience, I’m not going to get back. I’m so far out, I can’t get back!
“What do you mean ‘get back’?” some will ask.
I know exactly what happened to Enoch. He got out in the realm of the Spirit, and he couldn’t get back. I want to get back, so I don’t get out too far.
We are exploring today in the realm of the Spirit, learning some things we should have known yesterday.
In modern times, men have explored outer space. But they didn’t get to the moon the first time; they barely got out of the hold of gravity and over into that other realm at first.
Why? Because they didn’t know what was out there. They didn’t know the rules and laws that regulate space. They didn’t know if they could get back or not! So they barely went out at first, looked around, and then went a little farther and a little farther each time. Finally they went all the way to the moon and walked on it.
I think there’s a parallel here, because Daniel, years ago, prophesied about these last days. He said, “Many shall run to and fro, and knowledge shall be increased” (Dan. 12:4).
Knowledge has been increased. Some of us have been out there a little on the edge of the Spirit, but we don’t get out too far.
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(People get baptized with the Holy Spirit, speak with tongues, and think This is it! No, this isn’t it. No, no, no!)
There are spacemen and now spacewomen. We’re going to be doing exploits out here in the Spirit, while they’re doing exploits out there in space.
From this place—RHEMA Bible Training Center—we’re going to send out “Spiritmen” and “Spiritwomen.”
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SECTION III
Section III—The Corporate Anointing

Chapter 15
15 The Corporate Anointing
I’m thoroughly convinced—although you can neither prove nor disprove it by the Bible—that we as the Body of Christ as a whole have the same measure of the Holy Spirit that Jesus did—but we as individual members of the Body of Christ do not.
The greatest anointing of all is the corporate anointing.
Let’s look at some Scriptures in the Old Testament. The Old Testament is full of types and shadows for us.
In Second Chronicles 5 we learn how the Temple of God was dedicated.
2 CHRONICLES 5:11-14
11 And it came to pass, when the priests were come out of the holy place: (for all the priests that were present were sanctified, and did not then wait by course:
12 Also the Levites which were the singers, all of them of Asaph, of Heman, of Jeduthun, with their sons and their brethren, being arrayed in white linen, having cymbals and psalteries and harps, stood at the east end of the altar, and with them an hundred and twenty priests sounding with trumpets:)
13 It came even to pass, as the trumpeters and singers were as one, to make one sound to be heard in praising and thanking the Lord; and when they lifted up their voice with the trumpets and cymbals and instruments of musick, and praised the Lord, saying, For he is good; for his mercy endureth for ever: that then the house was filled with a cloud, even the house of the Lord;
14 So that the priests could not stand to minister by reason of the cloud: for the glory of the Lord had filled the house of God.
When the Temple was dedicated, the building was filled with a literal cloud. That cloud was the glory of God.
All through the Old Testament, the glory of God appeared often as a cloud and filled the house. We read from the New Testament that the glory of God is the Spirit of God.
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Romans 6 tells us Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father. Romans 8:11 tells us, “But if the Spirit of him that raised up Jesus from the dead dwell in you….” It says He was raised up by the glory of the Father. The Bible calls the glory of the Father the Spirit—so that’s the Holy Spirit. We call it the anointing.
Jesus said, “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me….” (Luke 4:18).
The Temple of God in the Old Testament was a man-made building. But God no longer dwells in earth-made or man-made buildings; He dwells in us.
Hebrews 3:6 tells us the difference between the house of God in the Old Testament and the house of God in the New Testament: “But Christ as a son over his own house; whose house are we, if we hold fast the confidence and the rejoicing of the hope firm unto the end.”
The whole Church collectively is God’s temple.
Now notice First Timothy 3:15: “But if I tarry long, that thou mayest know how thou oughtest to behave thyself in the house of God, which is the church of the living God, the pillar and ground of truth.”
He’s not talking about a building; he’s talking about the Church. The Church of the Living God is the house of God.
First Corinthians 3:16 says, “Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you?” In the Old Testament, Solomon’s Temple was called the house of God three times. But now we are the house of God. The Amplified Bible says, “Do you not discern and understand that you [the whole church at Corinth] are God’s temple (His sanctuary), and that God’s Spirit has His permanent dwelling in you—to be at home in you [collectively as a church and also individually]?” (1 Cor. 3:16).
So you can see there is the individual anointing within us because that Spirit—that anointing—is in us, but then there’s also that corporate anointing. We’re conscious of His presence 146
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in our midst so many times. But why doesn’t He manifest Himself more often?
Let’s go back to the Old Testament and see what was done to bring forth the visible manifestation of God’s glory.
Second Chronicles 5:13 tells us of singers and those playing instruments becoming as one singing praises unto God, saying, “For he is good; for his mercy endureth for ever.” Then the cloud came in and filled the building so the priests could not stand to minister.
There’s something about that corporate body praising God that brings forth the manifestation of His glory. The Pentecostals saw it earlier, but modern-day charismatics don’t know too much about it.
Oh yes, we praise God and clap our hands, and that’s scriptural; but God wants to teach us something about His Spirit so we’ll enter into the full manifestation of what He has for us. For the corporate anointing is much greater than the individual anointing.
Let’s look at some Scriptures in the New Testament that will parallel the Old Testament Scriptures and will help us.
ACTS 2:46,47
46 And they, continuing daily with one accord in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, did eat their meat with gladness and singleness of heart,
47 Praising God, and having favour with all the people. And the Lord added to the church daily such as should be saved.
There are three things to note about these two verses of Scripture: first, “one accord”; second, “gladness”; and third, “praising God.”
In Acts 4 Peter and John were commanded to preach and teach no more.
ACTS 4:23,24
23 And being let go, they went to their own company, and reported all that the chief priests and elders had said unto them.
24 And when they heard that, they lifted up their voice to God 147
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with ONE ACCORD, and said, Lord, thou art God, which hast made heaven, and earth, and the sea, and all that in them is.
There’s that “one accord” business again. They (plural)—all of them—lifted up their voices. We have a record of the prayer they prayed. I know they didn’t all say the same words, but the Holy Spirit is inspiring Luke to write, and He is giving us what God heard.
The Effects of Praise
Notice when they lifted up their voices with one accord, the first thing they said was, “Lord, thou art God” (v. 24). They were magnifying Him as God. And when they had prayed, the place was shaken. That prayer brought forth a manifestation of God’s glory, of God’s power, of the anointing, of the Holy Spirit power. The place was shaken—not just the people. The house shook.
Some people get excited because the Holy Spirit moves on people and they shake sometimes, or even fall under the power. But wait until the buildings start shaking! The place was shaken where they were assembled together, and they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke the Word of God with boldness.
In the 16th chapter of Acts, Paul and Silas had been beaten. Their backs were bleeding. They were thrust into the innermost prison. Their feet were in stocks. And at midnight, Paul and Silas prayed.
A lot of times people have prayed and prayed and prayed—and I’ve seen people go down praying. But sometimes you need to “pray AND….”
Paul and Silas didn’t just pray; they prayed AND. They prayed AND sang praises unto God. They were doing it out loud, because all the prisoners heard them. Remember in Psalm 22:3 it says that God inhabits the praises of Israel. He’s the same God now that He was then. He hasn’t changed one iota.
God came down and inhabited the praises of Paul and Silas, and shook that old jail until every door flew open and the stocks 148
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fell off their feet. Acts 16:26 tells us, “And suddenly there was a great earthquake, so that the foundations of the prison were shaken: and immediately all the doors were opened and every one’s bands were loosed.” But this wasn’t an earthquake as we know it, because it just affected this one group. An earthquake wouldn’t cause the bands the prisoners were bound with to fall off. It wouldn’t cause the stocks on their feet to fall off. But the bands and stocks fell off them. Remember Isaiah 10:27 tells us the anointing breaks the yoke.
The Power of the Corporate Anointing
I can be anointed myself and lay hands on people, and a certain percentage of them will get healed. But the corporate anointing has a greater effect.
One time I was preaching and it seemed like a wind went through the building. Everybody heard it. And that fast, every sinner in the building was saved. Every backslider was reclaimed. Everyone who didn’t have the Holy Spirit sat there talking in tongues. Every sick person was healed.
There was a woman who was lying on a stretcher. She had been operated on six times and doctors had said there was no use operating anymore. She’d been given six months to live and four of those months were gone. She looked like the picture of death—just a corpse, wasted away. Nobody had prayed for her or touched her at the meeting, but when that wind went through, she leaped off the stretcher and ran up the aisles healed.
There was another woman who thought she was saved because she was a church member. But when the wind blew through she got saved—she realized she never had been saved before. She sat there talking in tongues. When she got home, all her physical ailments had disappeared. I was back in that place holding a revival later and she said, “Not only that, but I’ve never touched another cigarette; I have never even wanted one. The thought never occurred to me to smoke.”
God wants us to have the greater corporate anointing in these days, and we’re going to have it. We’re not a half step away 149
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from it.
In one of our Holy Spirit seminars at RHEMA Bible Training Center, I began to teach about the Holy Spirit within you in the New Birth, and the Holy Spirit upon you in the baptism with the Holy Spirit. One night as we all began to flow in the Spirit, the power of God fell on us and all 3,000 people were dancing. We had an African ambassador to the United Nations there, and even he was dancing in the Spirit.
Years ago in Pentecost I saw people dance in the Spirit—I dance in the Spirit myself sometimes—but I never saw anything like that in my life. We didn’t have anything worked up, either. Too many times people try to work up something in the flesh. That doesn’t produce any power. It’s really obnoxious, in fact.
While we were dancing and praising God, people started getting healed all over the place. Just like you’d snapped your finger, people all over that building were healed as that corporate anointing began to work.
There was a 12-year-old boy there on crutches. He had broken his leg playing football. He laid down his crutches and came running down the aisle. He and my grandson stood on the platform weeping, and he was instantly healed. I didn’t have to pray for any body’s healing. You see, we had become one in worship.
The Word of God says to praise God in the dance. Music and dancing belong to God and His people. The devil has stolen both and perverted them.
Did you ever notice the place praise had in the Old Testament? Some will argue, “Yes, but Brother Hagin, that’s in the Old Testament.”
I know it. That’s just what I wanted you to say.
If praise had such a great place in worship and ministry in the Old Testament when they were operating under the type and shadow of the New, how much more of a place should it have with us?
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United Prayer
Let’s look at another New Testament example of united praying. Acts 13 tells us:
ACTS 13:1,2
1 Now there were in the church that was at Antioch certain prophets and teachers; as Barnabas, and Simeon that was called Niger, and Lucius of Cyrene, and Manaen, which had been brought up with Herod the tetrarch, and Saul.
2 As they ministered to the Lord, and fasted, the Holy Ghost said, Separate me Barnabas and Saul for the work whereunto I have called them.
These five men of God ministered to the Lord, and fasted, and it brought a manifestation of the Spirit; it brought forth a revelation.
If we can find out how they prayed, and if we’ll pray the same way, it’ll produce the same results.
Before we answer that, let’s look also at the 22nd chapter of Acts: “And it came to pass, that, when I was come again to Jerusalem, even while I prayed in the temple, I was in a trance” (Acts 22:17). Paul was praying here and was in a trance. His praying brought forth a manifestation of God’s power of the Holy Spirit. Jesus appeared to him and spoke to him: “…Make haste, and get thee quickly out of Jerusalem: for they will not receive thy testimony concerning me” (Acts 22:18).
How did Paul pray? I’m sure he prayed in his own language, but he gave us a little clue in First Corinthians 14:18 when he said, “I thank my God, I speak with tongues more than ye all.”
In writing to the Church at Ephesus, he said, “Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints” (Eph. 6:18).
Remember, we looked at Acts 4:23,24. I’m sure some of those people were praying with their own understanding, but I’m sure that many of them were praying with their spirits. What we are told about is the interpretation of their voice. Did you notice 151
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they lifted up their “voice,” not “voices”? I’m sure many of them were praying with other tongues. Paul, when he was praying in the Temple and fell into the trance, prayed in the Spirit as well as with his understanding (1 Cor. 14:14,15). It takes Spirit praying to produce Spirit results.
In Acts 13 when Paul and the others were ministering to the Lord, how do you suppose they did that? They did it in prayer and praise, or in song. Ephesians 5:19 tells us, “Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord.” That’s ministering to the Lord, isn’t it?
Let’s go a step further. Paul, writing to the Church at Colosse, said, “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord” (Col. 3:16). He said, “Singing to the Lord.” Do you see that? We can minister not only to each other, but we can minister to the Lord. I’m sure that’s what they were doing. They were speaking in psalms and hymns, and singing to the Lord, ministering to the Lord, praying in their own language and praying in tongues. And as they ministered to the Lord and fasted, the Holy Spirit spoke. You see, that kind of praying brings forth the manifestation of God’s power and God’s Spirit.
As these five ministered to the Lord and fasted, they were praying together. They were worshipping God together. There is something about united prayer; there’s something about united praise; there’s something about worshipping God in unity. I think the Lord knew what He was doing when He sent the disciples out two by two.
Jesus Himself made the statement in Matthew 18:19, “…That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.”
Believers’ Meetings
In the 12 years that I pastored, I was only able to bring one 152
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church to the place of unity that I feel the New Testament Church should be. It was an ordinary thing for miracles to happen. The supernatural was in manifestation. In those days, 1939 and 1940, we were in the tail end of the Depression. Things were different then. Our big crowds in those days were on Sunday nights.
You see, in 1939 you could go to the show if you had a dime. But nobody had a dime! So the sinners would come to church. They would fill up the building and the church yard. We didn’t have air-conditioning, and in the spring, summer, and fall the windows were open. There were more people outside than inside. They would be standing 12 to 15 deep, all looking in. Out in front, all the way back to the street, they would be standing solid, looking in.
On Sunday mornings I had a different type of service than I did Sunday nights. The congregation was made up mostly of church members, so instead of an evangelistic service I’d have what I would call a “believers’ meeting.” Most of that time, over a couple of years, I didn’t preach. I would just sit down on the platform and say, “I’m going to turn this over to the Holy Spirit. Whatever you’ve got, just get up and give it.”
I would tell the people, “If you want to sing, if you want to dance, if you want to prophesy and speak with tongues, don’t be afraid you’ll get it wrong, because we’ll straighten you out! We’ll help you, not criticize you, but help you in love.”
You know, we had some of the greatest moves you’ve ever seen in your life. Sometimes we’d sing and praise God; then we’d grow quiet. Those meetings would last sometimes until 1:30 or 2 o’clock in the afternoon. There were times we sat there from 45 minutes to an hour and a half—and nobody moved. We didn’t have nurseries or Sunday School rooms, and we didn’t even have any restrooms in the building.
But I’ve seen the power of God come in—the Holy Spirit come into His temple—the anointing come in—and there was a holy awe. That doesn’t mean a fear like you would be afraid of a rattlesnake or a tornado. But that holy awe would come upon us. 153
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Nobody would say a word. Not a child would cry. You could have heard a pin drop. It seemed like you were afraid to move. The glory came in. It seemed like you could have cut a chunk out and taken it home with you.
There was one fellow who was unsaved and he would bring his wife to Sunday School and church. Then he’d leave and go off uptown. He’d come back around noon to get her. But one day he drove onto the parking lot next to the church and couldn’t hear anything. He got out of his car and came up to the window.
Later he said, “I knew everyone was in there because all the cars were on the parking lot. But I thought, Did the Rapture take place?”
He fully expected to look in and find the church empty. But he looked in and everyone was sitting there. He slipped in and sat on a back pew. We sat there ten more minutes and no one said anything. Suddenly, just sitting there, he started shaking. Then he got up and came down the aisle, shaking all over. He fell across the altar and cried out to God.
Nobody went to the altar to pray with him. We all just sat there. I said, “God started it; let Him finish it.” That’s our problem: We get in His way a lot of times.
My youngest brother, just 16 or 17 years old, came to visit one time in the summer. Through courtesy, he’d come to the services. He came to one of these believers’ meetings. Suddenly, sitting in his chair, he started shaking. He got up and shook all the way down to the altar. He got saved and got up talking in tongues. We just let him go—we didn’t even pray with him. God started it, so we let Him finish it.
I saw that happen many times. If a sinner happened to come in, 99 times out of 100 he would get saved without anyone saying a word to him. We ought to have the Holy Spirit in manifestation like that. They did years ago in the Methodist church. In Charles Finney’s meetings the power of God would get on sinners and they would fall.
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attention. But I never could get most of the churches I pastored to that place of unity—to that place of flowing in the Spirit—to that place of praising God.
I believe God wants us to get back to that. I’m looking forward to meetings on a larger scale—like Campmeeting in Tulsa where we’ve got 20,000 people present—where the power of God will sweep through and we won’t have to have any healing lines. Everybody will just go home healed. Everybody who doesn’t have the Holy Spirit will go home talking in tongues. Everybody who’s not saved will go home saved because of His power and presence.
I got back in Tulsa after holding some meetings in Denver one time, and a woman wrote me and said, “Brother Hagin, my husband and I want to give you a good report. I got my husband to come to one of your meetings. He wasn’t saved, and he had a severe heart condition. Heart specialists said at best he could only live another six months.”
She wanted to get him healed. She loved her husband. And she said, “I kept nagging on it; I kept harping on it. I finally got him to come. By the time we got there the building was full. Going up to the balcony was hard on his heart, but we finally got up there and we got the last two seats.
“I was so embarrassed. He’d talk right out loud while you were preaching and say, ‘I don’t believe a word of it. There’s nothing to it.’ People around him were telling him to be quiet. I was so embarrassed; I’d duck my head. At times he’d almost cuss; he used awful language.
“Then you started laying hands on people and they started falling under the power. He said, ‘Nothing but hypnotism. That’s all in the world it is.'”
Now, here’s what she didn’t know. I’m going to tell you my side of the story. I was laying hands on people in the healing line, and I saw the glory cloud roll in. It’s like waves of the sea, but it’s a cloud. I saw it coming, and I stepped back on the platform, because if I’d gotten in it, I would have gone down 155
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with everyone else. It came right over their heads, and when it did, I just waved my hand and they all went down like dominoes.
Now, this woman said, “You got down about halfway in that second healing line and suddenly you stepped back. (That was when I stepped back on the platform.) My husband said, ‘It’s going all over me; it’s going all over me; it’s going all over me!'”
She added, “I said to him, ‘What’s going all over you?’ He said, ‘That power you’re talking about.'” And he was instantly healed.
She added, “I want you to know something. He’s not only got a new physical heart, he’s got a new spiritual heart. He’s a new man!”
I believe that can happen in more than just a few isolated incidents. The glory can be in manifestation. This woman said her husband went back to the heart specialist and he said, “I’ll tell you—Somebody up there likes you. You’ve got a brand new heart.”
His heart was working perfectly. The glory of God had filled the temple of God.
You are the temple of God. Do you not discern and understand that the whole Church at Corinth—the whole Church here or wherever—YOU—are the temple of God? And that God’s Spirit dwells in you collectively as the Church, and also individually?
We ought to expect Him to come into manifestation. We expect Him to do what He said He would do—teach us and lead us. We expect the minister to be anointed, and we gripe if he’s not, don’t we? But what about our responsibilities as members of that house of God—that Body of God?
Prophecy
We’re moving up now into the things of God!
And I heard the Spirit say,
There will come further revelation along these lines,
but it has to come line upon line,
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precept upon precept.
And as it comes,
men and women will flow with the Spirit,
and there will be such a manifestation of
My power and My glory and My Spirit and My anointing
in these days—in this decade in which you live—
that it will startle men.
Now many who are on the fringes of the move of God
will draw back and say,
“Ahhh, that’s fanaticism. No, we can’t go with that.
We believe in doing things in a nice, sedate manner.”
Never, never, never feel resentment
toward others who may criticize you,
or who may speak against you.
Never allow the least bit of resentment
or ill will, or bad feelings, but walk on.
Walk on in love.
Walk on in power.
Walk on in the Spirit.
Walk on with the Lord,
and He’ll come unto thee and
manifest Himself unto thee.
And it is even written in
the Holy Scriptures
that His coming unto us
shall be as the rain.
And so the Holy Ghost will fall,
and the power of God will be in
manifestation, and great shall
be the reward thereof.
And many shall be blessed,
and great and good days stand just ahead.
Walk on. Yea, ye shall see,
for the glory of the Lord
shall appear unto thee.
But most will move with the Spirit,
and all will acknowledge,
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“There are miracles happening over there.
I guess God just saw fit to have mercy on them.”
But no, they saw fit to flow with God.
And they saw fit to go with God,
for He is at work in the earth tonight
and He indwells His Body which is the Church,
which is the house of God.
And His glory will fill that temple.
Many will say,
“I just don’t go along with those things.
We have a pretty good church here.
God has put His approval upon us.”
But yea, saith the Lord of Hosts,
I only put my approval upon
that which lines up with my Word.
Get into the Word
and let the Spirit open the Word to you.
Not only unto your mind,
but get the revelation of it in your spirit.
And your spirit will be more alive
unto the things of God.
And He—through your spirit—will be able to teach you,
and admonish you, and direct you.
Dr. Kenneth E. Hagin
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REACHING THE LOST ONES WITH THE GOSPEL OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST

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WHERE WILL YOU SPENT YOUR ETERNITY?

The matter of eternity is an all-important one because the Bible tells us that God made man in His own image, and one of the attributes of God that is found in man’s soul from creation is that of eternity.

At death, the spirit which never dies, is separated back to the Lord to be kept for eternity while the body is returned back to the earth where it comes from – Eccl. 12: 7

The Bible teaches that there are two places of eternity;

  1. Hell fire, a place of eternal punishment for those that refused to accept Christ as their Lord and savior – John 5: 29
  2. The Kingdom of God a place of eternal life for those who gave their lives to Christ and live for Him – Matt. 25: 41, 46;

Friend, stop and consider your life and where you will spend your eternity, in view of the fact that the two places of eternity are real.

The good news today, is that Jesus obtained redemption for us, so that those who believed on Him might receive the promise of eternal inheritance (Eternal life) – John3: 16; Heb. 9: 12, 15.

This is the truth about eternity: Repent of your sins, accept Christ as your Lord and Savior, decide to live for Him, then eternal life will be yours. But if you will reject Him and go on in your sins, He will be your judge one of these days, then your place will be eternal punishment in hell, therefore, why not consider your ways today in view of eternal life.

Do not let anything keep you from choosing eternal life today. Trust Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior today.

Do you want eternity with Christ? If yes, then confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus Christ, and believe in your heart and you will be saved.

Then speak to Him right now, like this;

“Lord Jesus, I confess that I am a sinner; I want you to save me, and grant me eternal life, make yourself known to me”.

Believe in your heart, and you will be saved.

WHERE ARE YOU?

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Where Are You Going From Here?

THE WRATH OF GOD

Every sinner is lost. Lost from the presence of God; if he must return to God’s presence, then he must be sought and found. For example, the guilt and consciousness of sin caused Adam and Eve to dodge from God (Gen. 3:8).

They felt afraid and uncomfortable in his presence, knowing that they were sinful and under his displeasure. In this condition they found it impossible to draw near to Him with confidence.

Sin, also denied them access to the tree of live. Even worse; they were driven out of the garden, with no more opportunity to return. Obvious they suffered spiritual death; that is spiritually they were cut off from God immediately. In the cause of time, physical death finally followed.

On the basis of the consequence of sin, the word of God has declared that all have sinned and come short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). This implies that in our sinful condition, we are like Adam and Eve, separated from God, his love, grace, mercy and peace.

But God is merciful. In his mercies and love, He has given us the second Adam by whom He may return us into fellowship with him; as we respond to His call he cleanses our guilt, conscience, frees us from sin and restores us to his fellowship. That second Adam is JESUS.

What a great privilege to draw near to God in order to receive his love. Mercy, Grace and help in time of need. Jesus is asking you today. WHERE ARE YOU? Are you sure you are where God wants you to be, living how he wants you to live, and doing what he wants you to do? Imagine that “God so loved the world (you and I); that he gave his only begotten son, so that if you will believe on him, you will not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16). Hebrews 7:25 goes on to assure us that Jesus is able to save those who come to God by him.

Then why not give your life to him; and say to “Lord here am I, save me; confess your sins to him and ask him to come into your life, promise to follow him to the end.

It may also interest you to read: Whose Child Are ?

t is an interesting piece of information

You will also need to identify with any living church around you, in order to grow spiritually. God bless you.

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Where Are You Going From Here?

CREW MEMBERS:

Satan (Pilot), Demons (Co-Pilots), Witches and Wizards (Waiters)

PASSENGERS:

All the occultists, fornicators, liars, thieves, idol worshipers, false prophets, unjust leaders and all other sinners.

CREW MEMBERS:

Master Jesus Christ (Pilot) Holy Spirit (Co-Pilot) Angels (Waiters)

PASSENGERS:

All born-again Christians, full of holiness and the fear of God.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING FROM HERE?

The scripture proves that there are two end points – HELL and HEAVEN. So, every man must end in either of these two places. Your life here on earth determines where you will go. If you are living in sin, know that you have made yourself God’s enemy and will surely share with the devil in Hell. The Bible makes it clear that all sinners will have their place in hell irrespective of who they are, what they believe in or feel. Remember, sin is a snare.

Nevertheless, you can make peace with God now and have your name booked for the flight that is heading to heaven. It will not cost you anything. Jesus paid it all on the Cross of Calvary. He is inviting you to come back to Him now. All you need to do is to confess and forsake your sins, invite Jesus into your life as your personal Lord and Saviour; then you will be saved and free from eternal destruction and you will have peace, joy, divine security and soul salvation.

Beloved, it is dangerous to postpone your salvation. Remember, life is short; death is sure and there is no repentance in the grave. Your wealth and strength cannot assure your life for the next hour. Beloved, your life is not in your hands. It is like a vapour, it can vanish at any time, why not surrender to Jesus Christ now and be saved? (Rev. 21:8; Isa. 53:1-5; Heb. 3:7; Eccl. 9:10; James 4:14)

You can also read the following contents; THE DANGER OF SEXUAL SIN;

THE WRATH OF GOD; SWEET POISON

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